Toru Nui

I push you in a cannon and shoot you to the moon. Your mask, but you're on the moon.

I drag you with me. My mask.

I break your mind. You are gotten.

I beat you to death with the bar you impaled me with. My mask.

I'M BACK! My entrance stuns you long enough for me to steal the mask. My mask.

Valentine’s Day Special: We Blackmailed Asked the Cast to Make Some Dating Profiles Name: Tahu Occupation: Toa Mata of Fire Likes: Fire Dislikes: Water, Ice Name: Gali Occupation: Toa Mata of Water Likes: Swimming Dislikes: Fishing Name: Kopaka Occupation: Only Competent Toa Mata Likes: Golden Kanohi Dislikes: Everything Else Name: Lewa Occupation: Former Executive Assistant of Makuta, now Toa Mata of Air Likes: You Dislikes: Not You Name: Pohatu Occupation: Resident 4th Wall Breaker and Expert Date Profile Writer Likes: Koli Dislikes: Losing (But Don’t We All?) Name: Onua Occupation: Toa of Earth Likes: Horror Movies, Shakespeare Dislikes: Pohatu and Everything to do With Him Name: Vakama Occupation: Turaga of Fire, and Head Turaga Likes: Not You, Don’t Call Me Dislikes: Still You, Still Don’t Call Me Name: Nokama Occupation: Turaga of Water Likes: Intellectuals (That Means not You, Matau) Dislikes: Still You Matau Name: Matau Occupation: Turaga of Air Likes: Nokama Dislikes: Any Other Woman Name: Onewa Occupation: Turaga of Stone Likes: Stone Dislikes: Commitment Name: Whenua Occupation: Turaga of Earth Likes: *CENSORED* Dislikes: *CENSORED* Name: Chirp Occupation: Twit-too-woo Likes: Caw Dislikes: Cock-A-Doodle-Doo Name: Takua Occupation: Chronicler-In-Training Likes: Candles, Lanterns, Torches, Well-Lit Rooms Dislikes: Dark Rooms Name: MAKUTA Occupation: MAKUTA Likes: MAKUTA Dislikes: TOO MANY TO LIST I WOULD TO POINT OUT I DID NOT WANT THEM TO DO THIS EITHER BUT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE FOR VALENTINES DAY

Part 192: File it Under C for Cage “…Hello? Guards?” Ahkmou looked around in his makeshift bamboo cage at the foot of the new tree for Le-Koro, now abandoned because all of them were making their way to Ta-Koro. This was his opportunity. He got out his lockpick and began fiddling on the outside of the cage trying to find some sort of lock. He couldn’t find one. He then got out his nail file and began whittling away at the bamboo bars of the cage. But bamboo is not easily filed. It goes under B. The B drawer is a mess. He then got out his brass knuckles and prepares to punch open the cage. “OW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!” It didn’t work. Then he realised something. “Wait a minute THESE BARS ARE TOO WIDE! I can just SIDESTEP through them!” THE LE-MATORAN ARE NOT VERY GOOD AT BUILDING CAGES

Part 191: What to do When the Forces of Nature get out of Control Have you ever seen a giant robot try to swim? It’s hilarious. Unfortunately, no amount of words I can type will be able to sum up it’s hilarity. So you’ll just have to imagine the M.a.R.K doggy paddle across the coasts of Mata-Nui. “*pant* *pant* Why is this so hard?!” Anyway, Jaller and Hahli were sailing over Ta-Wahi on their Kewa, when suddenly- “WHAT?! THE-THE VOLCANO JUST ERUPTED! IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!” “…But volcanoes erupt. That’s what they do.” “YES BUT THAT ONE’S SUPPOSED TO BE DORMANT!” “How do you know?” “Because Turaga Vakama said so.” “OK.” Then a chunk of lava flew past them, and fell into the water surrounding Ta-Wahi. It instantly became more boiling than if you grounded up Tahu and put the pieces in a hot soup. “Uh, is the water supposed to be bubbling violently?” “No. No it is not.” YOU CANNOT CONTROL NATURE BUT YOU CAN MOAN AT IT

Part 190: Writer’s Blockhead It was getting dark now. Well, it was dark for our heroes (and the other peoples), but it was also dark, as in, it was almost night. You know, that time of day when you can see the moon and the streetlamps are on, but the sky is still blue. Do you know? I don’t think you know. Anyway-what was I typing about again? Oh right, it was getting dark. But I just did that so… what comes next? Hang on, let me check my notes… oh right. The Void ate them. … … … … … So… can’t think of anything to type right now. This is what they call “writer’s block”, except in this instance it’s more of “writer’s blockheadedness”. Not that my head looks like a block you understand. I’m not from Minecraft. Well, sometimes I PLAY Minecraft, but not often. No, my head looks like God. Can you guys think of what happens next? I can’t. I DID say in the Prologue I was accepting suggestions. Provided they’re sensible suggestions. No, Tehutti cannot suddenly turn into a rainbow Dikapi. He’s DEAD (for now). Oh hang on… there’s one person we haven’t seen in a while. In the depths of Le-Wahi, a lone Po-Matoran stumbled around, having no idea where he was going. “Hello?! Is anybody here? It is I, Hafu, the great Hafu! You should feel honoured to meet me, Hafu, not afraid! Unless there really ISN’T anyone there…” *sound of crickets chirping* “…I’m, Hafu, alone…” Then some Gukkos flew overhead. “HEY! HEY YOU! DOWN HERE!!!” Kongu looked quizzically backwards. He turned to his wingman (In both meanings of the word). “Hey Orkahm, did we just-“ “Go out on a pointless mission with unfixed Gukkos?” “OH DON’T QUICK-START THAT AGAIN! There’s someone back-there!” The squadron of Gukkos turned around, and saw a tiny (from their perspective) Po-Matoran dancing around. “Hey! Down here!” “What did he say?” “He wants us to come down there. Let’s go!” “Kongu, are you NUTS?!” “No I’m a watermelon.” “Oh shut up. He’s a PO-Matoran. He’s the enemy!” “How do you know? For all you know he’s a friend of Vohon!” “Yes, but for all YOU know this is an ambush.” “Well then we can ambush their ambush!” “That’s stupid.” “Don’t worry! If he ambushes our ambush of his ambush, we can ambush his ambush of our ambush of his ambush.” “Well it’s hard to argue with logic like that.” YES BECAUSE IT IS SO SILLY

Part 189: Drop the Bomb A few moments BEFORE the volcano erupted… “Well, I for one say that was going quite well, until that jerk arrived.” “You mean the giant swirling mass of black body parts that threatened to eat us?” “Jerk is an understatement.” “Oh be quiet. We need a better plan…” “Like what? A BOMB?!” “Actually, that might work.” “We need to HAVE a bomb before that works.” “…So that puts the dampener on an otherwise good plan.” “HEWKII!” “Actually, if we DID have a bomb, that would be a good plan, so he’s right.” “But we DON’T have a bomb! And that wouldn’t be a good plan even if we DID!” “Why?” “Because I’m certain it would fail. Somehow. I mean, nothing ever goes right for us Matoran. I wouldn’t be surprised if that supposedly dormant volcano Ta-Koro is in erupted right now-“ Then it did. Meanwhile, a few meters away from the volcano… “Wow, it’s amazing we decided to leave there in time.” “I know, right?” OH COME ON DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD LET THEM DIE

You really need to pinpoint the LOCUS of this forum. Part 188: Sucking the Fun out of the Pun The six Toa Mata made their way towards the Mangai Volcano. “So…” “Gali, if you make a SINGLE pun, I’m going to send you to the planet we orbit.” “IT’S A MOON YOU IDIOT!” “What?” “What?!” “Sorry I wasn’t paying attention, what?” “Gali kept making these puns when we went around looking for Tahu. They were terrible.” “Hmm… I’m beginning to be glad I almost drowned.” “Oh come on, they can’t be that ba-“ One minute later. “NONONONONONONONONONON-“ “-A vegetarian came to me-“ “Stop it, stop it now!” “-Asking if I had food-“ “Seriously, what was that about the planet and the fact it’s a moon?” “-I told him I could make him some-“ “DON’T SAY IT!” … … … … … “…Ussal sprouts?” “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH-“ “NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“ “Oh Great Spirit, Gali…” “You need to shut up. RIGHT NOW.” “…SERIOUSLY, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT-“ “It’s OK, OK, I’ll stop.” “*sigh*” “Yeees…” “*gasp* Almost… didn’t… survive that one.” “Will somebody answer me?!” “*heavy breathing*” “I know, I know, my puns are a KAKAMAlamity!” Then the volcano erupted. “OH I DON’T CARE IF THIS SCREWS MY PLAN OVER, JUST SO I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANY MORE OF THAT… *GASP*” “…WHAAAT WAAAS THAAAT AAABOOOUUUT-“ “Be quiet. We have a problem.” PUNS THEY ARE A SIN THAT MUST BE PUN-ISHED

SAAANS!!! Part 187: Art of Ambushing *RING* *RING* “WHO IS THIS!?” “Kongu, captain of the Le-Koro Gukko Force. Who are you?” “HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?! MORE TO THE POINT, HOW DID YOU GET A PHONE?!” “You mean this? I confiscated it from this Po-Matoran.” “PLEASE TELL ME HE’S NOT WEARING A RAU.” “OK. He’s not wearing a Rau.” “…ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I ASKED?” “Yes. It’s polite to do that, after all.” “OH GREAT. WHAT TROUBLE HAS AHKMOU GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO THIS TIME?” “The Po-Matoran are-“ “YES YES YES I KNOW. THE WHOLE CIVIL WAR THING… HANG ON A SECOND, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” “Nope. Sorry.” “IT’S OK. I’M A PO-MATORAN. MY NAME IS-“ Makuta quickly thought back to the name of the Trader who showed up in his time machine. (Read Trader Who) “VOHON.” Although Vohon was a Ta-Matoran, he knew Kongu probably wouldn’t know. “Ah. Well then. For shame.” “NO, I’M COMPLETELY AGAINST THIS SORT OF THING. LOOK, IF I TELL YOU WHERE WE’RE HIDING, WILL YOU COME AND SORT THIS THING OUT?” “Yes, we-hang on a mo, how do I know you’re not leading us into an ambush?” “YOU DON’T. BUT IF IT IS AN AMBUSH, YOU CAN AMBUSH THEIR AMBUSH.” “But… if you’re telling me all this on behest of your Turaga and are trying to trick us, won’t you ambush our ambushing of your ambush?” “PERHAPS. BUT YOU SEE, I’M NOT. AND, IF MY MISGUIDED BRETHEREN DO AMBUSH YOUR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH, YOU CAN AMBUSH THEIR AMBUSH OF YOUR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH.” “That is BRILLIANT! I’ll tell my Turaga immediately.” *BEEP* “HAHAHAHAHA… FOOL. DIDN’T EVEN CONTEMPLATE THE POSSIBILITY OF THEM AMBUSHING THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH.” OF COURSE THEY COULD ALWAYS AMBUSH THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH

Part 186: Landmarking “OK, let’s try this again.” “NO! No! We’re not doing that again.” “How about we actually do something?” “Like what? We don’t know where we are!” “We’re in Ta-Wahi you idiot.” “No, YOU’RE the idiot!” “We don’t know WHERE in Ta-Wahi we are!” “Well how do you suppose we find OUT where?” “How about we use a landmark?” “Like what?” “Oh gee, how about that large volcano in the distance?!” … … … … … “Right. We’re heading off then.” “Hold on a minute, how come YOU have your Golden Mask?” “Because I’M good at my job.” Kopaka knew now, he had a second destiny. To annoy the crud out of Tahu. GOLD GOLD GOOOLD

Part 185: Free Spirits “Quick! We must unhook him from that machine!” “Why? He’s weird.” “Agreed.” “I’m surrounded by heartless ingrates.” “ON THAT MUCH, WE AGREE.” “No we don’t!” “He meant him!” “Yes!” “NO! I WAS AGREEING TO THE FACT HE’S WEIRD AND THAT YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY HEARTLESS INGRATES.” “Would you please just talk NORMALLY?” “Fine. Heartless ingrate.” “I heard that!” “Yes. You were supposed to.” “Well can you please put his spirit back inside his body?” “I can, but I won’t.” “What? You just said you could!” “I can, but I won’t. As in: it’s possible, but I’m not going to do it, because I need this for my experiments.” “Why are you even doing this?” “Sorry. You’ll never know-“ A radio on the table then activated. “KLYMA, HOW IS THE BODY-SPIRIT REMOVAL OPERATION DOING?” … … … … … “Who was… that?” “Heheheheh… *whispering* Could you kindly call back at a different time? I have-“ “GUESTS. I KNOW, I SEE EVERYTHING. I KNOW EVERYTHING. WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. I AM MAKUTA.” “You work for-I’m not surprised really.” “ANYWAY ONCE THE MACHINE IS READY HAVE IT DELIVERED TO MY LAIR IMMEDIATELY. I MAY NEED IT SOON.” “…How’s tomorrow sound, AFTER I KILL THESE IDIOTS.” “SURE. JUST ACTUALLY DO IT.” WHY DOES MAKUTA SPEAK IN ALL CAPS SIMPLE IMPORTANT WORDS ARE DONE IN ALL CAPS MAKUTA BELIEVES EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS IMPORTANT

NO! IT WAS ME! ME! ME! Err... I mean... it was Petewa.

Can I join in?

“Hey you bums! Get off my face!” Part 184: Flute the Coop “Argh… it took me FOREVER to get out of that harp.” “By my count, it took you about three minutes.” “Shut up Orkahm. Kongu, where’s my flute?” “I don’t have it.” “Yes you DO, you trapped me in the harp for it!” “I steal your instruments all the time!” “Yes but you didn’t stamp it under your feet!” “MY FEET ARE TIRED!” “YOU ARE NEVER TIRED!” “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!” “What in the fiery-Karzahni are you three bellow-yelling about?” “I DON’T KNOW!” “He stole my flute!” “OK. Bye.” “What, you’re just gonna-“ “He’s a TERRIBLE musician. You do remember-recall Sanso, right?” “Sanso? The-“ … … … … … “I’ll be watching you, Sanso.” FLUTES ARE EVIL YOU WILL NOT MISS THEM IF YOU DO OF CRAZY YOU DO SMELL WHAT A SORRY FELLA ANGRY AS A TARAKAVA WE ARE JUST LEVEL 1 ON MATORAN

Part 183: My Guy is in Mangai The sun began to set over Mata-Nui. The Void raced across the island towards the Mangai Volcano. Although Kini-Nui was the entrance to Mangaia, the Void didn’t know this, and so headed straight towards Makuta. Makuta observed him with the shadows casted by the Void’s swirling mass of dislocated body parts. And was pleased. “ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN… BWAHAHAHA…” “AHAHAHAHAHAH!” “HOOHAHAHAHHAHA!” “KAKEKKKAKAKAKEE!” “OH GREAT. YOU JUST RUINED MY LAUGH. GREAT GOING.” “Yes, uh, we’ve been wondering…” “We can’t exactly kill the Toa when they… outnumb-“ “KILL? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DISTRACT THEM!” “Why? They’re just in your way! Offing them would be beneficial. It’s not like they’re essential, I mean you’ve got us! We’re manifestations OF the Toa’s evil, if we defeat them in combat-“ “We can take over their-“ “LET ME FINISH! We can take over their bodies.” “Bah.” “I NEED THEM TO BE ACTUALLY THEM. NOT YOU RETARDS. I WILL MAKE THE OTHER THREE TONIGHT, JUST GO OUT THERE AND-“ “Very WELL, “master”, we will NOT kill them.” The Shadow Toa left, and when they thought Makuta didn’t hear them, they muttered under their breath… “…yet…” But he did. And under his breath… “…ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN…” CHESSMASTER

Part 182: Hot Fod (der) “OK, it has come to my attention that you all don’t like each other that much.” “OH REALLY?!” “So perhaps you’d like each other more if we just said a little about ourselves. Tahu?” “OK. My name’s Tahu, Toa of Fire, and I like to party.” “Alright. Pohatu?” “Uh, very well, I’m Pohatu, and I like to party too.” “Um… sorry Pohatu but Tahu already said that. Maybe you could say something different?” “…My name is Pohatu, and I like to break the fourth wall.” “The what?” “OK, let’s move on. Lewa?” “Hello! I’m Lewa and I like to party three.” “Party THREE?” “You know, because Pohatu said he liked to party two.” “That was the worst joke over.” “Joke?” “My name is Kopaka and I like to strangle Lewa.” “Lewa, what did I say to Pohatu?” “Who?” “Pohatu!” “I’m Pohatu and I-“ “Oh shut up. Lewa, say something different.” “Right. I’m Onua and I like to party.” “No I don’t!” “You’re LEWA!” “NO! I’m Onua and he’s Lewa!” “That’s what I said!” “No, you said he was Lewa.” “No I said YOU were Lewa!” “Yes I was. But now I’m Onua because you told me say something different. ARE YOU ALL INSANE?! COME ON! This is rational thinking 101!” “I’m Kopaka and I REALLY like to strange Lewa.” “But I’m not Lewa. I’m Onua.” “NO!!! I’M ONUA YOU AIRHEAD!” “Look, nobody parties but me!” “Yes. And me.” “No!” “He’s right, it’s just Tahu-“ “Correctamundo.” “-and me.” “I’m Kopaka and I really REALLY-“ “Shut the Karzahni up you over glorified ice cube.” “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“ “Epic burn. Hahaha… get it? BURN? Hahahah-NOBODY PARTIES BUT ME!” “…And me? Possibly?” “NO, Gali, I know for a FACT you don’t party.” “That’s true… Kopaka’s the party guy.” “OH MATA NUI can we PLEASE just do something else? ANYTHING else?” “…We could party.” “…Screw it. Strangle him.” “YEEES!!!” “Wait, you-ACK! CAFF! CAFF! Cannot… *gasp* BREEEAAATHEEE…” THAT ACCOMPLISHED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

SUPRISE! Attack: Stone Defense: Ice

Part 181: Destined to Fail Krakua thought hard. This was the first time he was instructed to send visions to anyone not Vakama. He couldn’t appear in front of them though, but still, it wasn’t Vakama. And that’s what mattered. What also mattered was that the machine he used to send these visions into the past wasn’t working. Something was blotting off the connection… “BOO!” “Oh. YOU.” “WHAT? Why aren’t you trembling in fear right now? A floating disembodied mask, surrounded by severed blackened limbs swirling all around it has just appeared on your computer screen!” “Oh yes, so it has. I didn’t notice that.” “YOU-YOU THINK-YOU THINK YOU CAN MOCK ME AND GET AWAY WITH IT?!” “Yes.” “I’LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER LIVE TO SEE THIS! I’LL-“ “Exactly. I’m still around, so you DON’T kill me. And everyone else is, too. Well, not EVERYONE, but everyone important. So obviously whatever it is you’re doing will fail. Horrendously. It’s timeline 101.” “No it won’t! I’ll eat every single person on this stupid island! AND THEN I’LL EAT EVERYONE ELSE! I’LL DEVOUR THE ENTIRE COSMOS! AND THEN THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT!” “No. You won’t. You’ll be defeated by Makuta absorbing you into his body via his Shadow Hand and then he’ll become a swirling mass of parts when the Toa confront him.” “HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH no. That would never happen.” “We’ll see. NOW GET OFF ME TELLY!!!” SPOILERS

Shadow Matoran, spot 5.

Part 180: Summit of my Problems “Alright, explain this to me like I’m retarded.” “I’ll do my best. Turaga Onewa hates Turaga Vakama. Onewa wants Vakama’s place as de facto leader of Mata-Nui.” “And you’re against this?” “I don’t really take sides when it comes to politics. But since you’re my friend, I’ll help you.” “Hmm… perhaps a peace summit is required. Or something like that.” “Summit? Perhaps we could get everyone to gather at the top of Mount Ihu-“ “No, it’s an expression.” “Like a frown?” “…No, it’s a meeting.” “Of what?” “Of everyone.” “Everyone?” “Everyone.” “EVERYone?” “EVERYone.” “…OK.” “Right.” “I highly doubt Makuta will attend.” “What?” “You said EVERYone. And-“ “Makuta is not part of everyone. He’s not a Matoran; ergo he’s not a person.” “But that defeats the entire point of the summit!” “No, the point of the summit is so it spruces up the Ko-Koro skyline.” … … … … … “SCREW IT, IF THIS GETS OFF THE GROUND, I SHOULD ATTEND JUST TO TROLL THEM.” PROBLEM TURAGA

Part 179: Diminishing Threat “Alright, enough of this.” “I agree. Give me a hug.” “You think I’m scared of you? You?! YOU!!!” “Of course.” “I am not!” “Yes you are.” “Uh, guys?” “I AM NOT!” “Yes, you are.” “I AM NOT!!!” “Yes you ARE.” “Guys?!” “I! AM! NOT!” “Yes! You! ARE!” “I AAAM NOOOT!!!” “YEEES YOOOUUU AAAREEE!!!” “GUYS!” “WHAT?!” “Everyone’s gone. They all left in the boats.” … … … … … “Well, I’m going to have to eat someone. Might as well be you three!” Takua did a scary face and leapt at the Void. “OOGIEBOOGIEBOOGIE!” The Void promptly screamed like a little girl. “AAAH!” And ran off, disappearing from the horizon. “Well. That doesn’t do much for his image.” “How did you three get out of-“ “A genius always carries TWO levitation devices. Next time, don’t press buttons while someone is telling who WHICH buttons do what.” SHOULD HAVE CHECKED OUT THE ENCLOSED INSTRUCTION BOOK