Toru Nui

“Exasperation.” Part 229: His Village is Gone “So, what are things like in your village Kapura?” “MY VILLAGE IS GONE!” “Whoa, touched a nerve there.” “I can’t pretend to understand how you feel. I don’t know how I’d react to MY village being destroyed.” Irony. “But we’ll rebuild it when this whole thing has blown over. I know Hafu will be happy to help, if he ever shows up again.” “Frankly we’d facepalm a lot less if he wasn’t around.” “Well… it was hot.” “…And?” “Ours is hot too. We’re gonna need a little more detail.” “What do you want from me? IT WAS IN A VOLCANO!!!” “See? You could have mentioned that instead!” “BUT IT WAS BLATANLY OBVIOUS THAT-oh forget it. You’re not helping. Not at all.” “The important thing is that we’re trying.” “NO. DO, or DO NOT. There is no TRY.” “But… if we don’t try, how can we do?” “You get the point.” “No. No we don’t.” “Yes. Yes you do.” “No, we don’t.” “Yes, you do.” “NO, we don’t!” “YES, you do!” “NO WE DON’T!” “YES YOU DO!” “NO WE DON’T!!!” “YES YOU DO!!!” “NOOO WEEE DOOON’T!!!” “YEEES YOOOUUU DOOO!!!” “NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO-“ “YYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS-“ “You two are going to be at this for a while, so I’ll leave.” A WISE DECISION

How about yes. My mask.

Part 228: Something Smells Shifty “Don’t you dare.” “Oh I dare.” “Don’t!” “No!” “DON’T!” “NO.” “DON’T!!!” “NOOO!” “DO. NOT. BRING. YOUR. INSTRUMENTS. TO. THE. SUUUMIIIT!!!” “III WIIILL!!!” “Oh for crying out loud… why are you two yelling?” “Vaaakaaamaaa, Matau’s picking on me!” “He wants to take his instruments to the summit.” “No.” “Awww…” “Wait, what summit?” “Oooh… probably should have told-informed you earlier… you see-“ “It’s a peace conference on top of Mount Ihu, isn’t it?” “Oh you’ve spoiled-ruined the end now!” “Let’s not go. It’s obviously a trap.” “Probably. That’s why I’m bringing these stink-bombs.” “Oh for Spiriah’s sake, it’s not a bomb unless it explodes in a ball of fire!” “Great balls of fire, are you really so blood-hungry?” “First of all, it’s bloodthirsty. Second of all, they’re not going to intimidated by SMELL.” “We’ll see… we’ll see…” … … … … … “See wha-“ “SILENCE-QUIET SANSO!” IF THE SMELL DOES NOT DRIVE THEM OUT SANSOS MUSIC WILL

Part 227: Drowning School “Alright, let’s begin.” “Let’s not.” “Let’s shut up for a minute.” “Let’s just start.” “Right. Now, see what I’m doing in the water?” “No we CAN’T. The water’s blacker and denser than Onua.” “Hey, I resemble that remark!” “*sigh* Just wiggle your feet and move your arms like this. Tahu, you try.” Tahu nervously divebombed into the water, evaporating the water around him instantly, and burning Gali. “AH! STOP TRYING, STOP TRYING!!!” He was happy to comply. “OK… Kopaka?” “Wait a second, you created an ice bridge to get us here, right? So-“ “No I CAN’T, because I was directing the power through my sword, which I DON’T HAVE. My other self is currently safehousing it in his abdomen.” Meanwhile… “THIS… IS… THE WORST… PAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIAIAIAIAIAAN!!!” “Really? How about-“ Shadow Tahu slightly twisted the sword. “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” “-THIS?” Back at Gali’s lesson, Kopaka was walking on water. “Huh. I stand corrected. I just need my-“ Then the ice cracked and he fell into the water. He resurfaced a few seconds later, encased in ice.” “Oh we have SO much work to do… Pohatu, Onua, how are you doing?” “BLRBLBLBLLBLRBLLRLR!” “What he said-*choke*” “*sigh* Lewa?” “I think I’m getting the hang of it. I’m not even doing anything and yet I’m floating.” Lewa was correct, since he was as light as air, he merely floated on his back. “…Well, it’s a start.” NO NO IT IS REALLY NOT

Part 226: Is That a Red Star? In the basement of the Ko-Koro hotel, the four spirits, separated from their bodies, were thinking of a plan to get themselves out and into their bodies. So far, no dice. There was no way for them to crawl back up the tube that led to their bodies, and they couldn’t break the glass surrounding them. They were stuck. But high in the orbit of the water planet moon, the Red Star flew over. It was no star. It was a space station. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! “We have another four.” “Expletive. Profanity.” “Indeed. We must break the barrier and retrieve the spirits. Then we can rebuild their bodies.” “Is the transmat operational again?” “No.” “Exasperation.” “Agreement.” “Prepare for extraction.” “Preparation.” “Acknowledgement.” Suddenly, the glass bowl around the spirits began to crack open, and the tube back out of the bowl opened. They quickly dashed through the tube and tried to navigate their way back to their bodies. They… sort of succeeded. “Failure.” “Shame.” “The two of us will now go and get hammered.” “The designation of driver requires designation.” “Designation not necessary. We will not drink excessive amounts.” “Define the parameters of excessive.” “Cease speaking through your orifice in which you consume pie cake.” “Expletive. Insult.” “Comeback.” “Resignation.” “Triumph.” “Hate.” “Hate.” “Hate.” “Hate.” “Hate.” Meanwhile… “*groan* Where am I… oh, back in my body. Sweet. Wait… my body isn’t blue… *scream*” THIS COMPLICATES THINGS

Oh, it finished. Death by Internet Explorer! My mask.

Death by Internet Explor-oh wait, hang on, it's buffering. ... ... ... ... ...

Part 225: Yay for Ex Machina “*groan* Where we are?” “On land. I saved you. You’re welcome.” “WE saved them!” “WHERE on land, snark-a-lot?” “Shut your hole Onua.” “YOU’RE ONE TO TALK!” “Here, on this rock.” The Toa were on a black craggy rock off the coast of Ga-Wahi. “Also, I found a mask.” “Good for you.” “WE found the mask!” “Hmph.” “No seriously, good for you!” “What happened to you?” “Nothing happened to me!” “No, not you-you, evil-you.” “Oh. Well it was a pretty even match, but eventually I managed to beat her.” “Kane-Ra manure! You were losing before I created this rock to hold the idiots and moved it away from the coast!” “Wait, you MOVED it? That doesn’t seem physically possible, even in this setting.” “Yes and how did you do it without waking us?” “Well I simply did it quietly.” “No it’s not “simply!” You moved a friggin’ large rock, with US on top, about-how far away are we Kopaka?” “About thirty bios.” “THIRTY bios away! EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!!! EEEXPLAAAIIIN!!!” “Alright, alright! Your eggs will be plain.” “Lewa shush!” “Alright then, it’s time to go.” “Nooot quite…” “LEWA SHUSH!” “Why can’t we leave?” “At this height, the Kanohi Miru would only get us about a quarter of the way there. And not even the Kakama is fast enough to run on water.” “Well then how do we leave?!” “Yes… I didn’t think of that when I moved us here. I just wanted to get away from those weird shadow people.” … … … … … “Well then, I guess I have no choice but to teach you all how to swim.” “NO.” “I’m up for it.” “I dunno…” “It DOES seem like the only available option.” “How about ANY other option?! Why can’t you make a bridge with your powers like you did this rock?” “I don’t know, why can’t you create a fireball the size of my IQ?” “He can. Said fireball would be very small.” “I’m serious. You think elemental powers are easy?” “Of course! I’m a master of my element. You guys have barely learned the basics!” “What makes you better at your element than ours? There’s no common denominator, we all have different elements!” Kopaka clicked his fingers and suddenly a large sheet of snow covered Onua. “This proves nothing.” “Well, it’s time for us to get started.” “We’re going to regret this. We’re going to regret this for every waking moment of our lives from now on.” “Oh come on Tahu, it won’t be THAT bad!” IT WILL

Part 224: Tumblin’ Tumbleweed “So Tamaru, Taipu, what do you want to do today?” “The same thing we do every day Taipu, try to take over the island!” “…What?” “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Tehutti often says that when I ask him what he wants to do.” “Son of a-QUIET.” “I have the distinct impression you two are going to be difficult.” “Oh really?!” “What is it you want?” “To go home.” “Your home is in ashes.” “Eh. Still home.” “OK. To Le-Koro!” “We were just THERE.” “Why did we come-walk here, anyway?” “I don’t remember.” “Me neither.” “Well we’re off then. Unless you want to stay here.” Cue the tumbleweed. “Who would like this place? Who?! It’s a dump-pit! Who in the world would willingly stay here?” “Well it took a while but I’m back in Po-Koro. Oh hey, do I know you?” “…” “Look, I scam and cheat everyone. It’s not a personal thing.” “You poisoned the majority of this village.” “Oh. That. Well then I’m going to have to stab you three repeatedly with this knife.” “…What kni-AAAAAEAEEEERHHHH!!!” “That knife.” OH SNAP

Why can't it be simple anymore? I bash you on the head with a mallet. Done. My mask.

At the time of this post, there are seven people. EXCLUDING ME. Part 223: Wrecked Wreckage “THIS was Ta-Koro’s mode of transportation up to Ko-Wahi?!” Turagas Nokama and Onewa reviewed the charred wreckage of the Ta-Koro cable car, blown far away from the eruption. “Yes.” “Hmph. Stupid cheap Ta-Matoran labour.” “Actually this is Onu-Matoran work.” “I mean stupid cheap ONU-Matoran labour. The thing looks like it’s gonna fall apart any second!” “Almost seems intentional. Makuta’s story about the Onu-Matoran betraying us is beginning to seem more and more true.” “I don’t believe that Whenua would ever betray us. Of course I didn’t believe Vakama would betray us. And he didn’t. Because YOU lied.” “Sorry about that. But Whenua IS losing control of his Koro. Perhaps he doesn’t serve Makuta, but some of the Onu-Matoran are.” “I don’t-“ “We know they’re capable of terrible things. Remember Mavrah?” “I don’t really want to…” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“ Hahli then landed on top of the cart. “…Ow…” “Well it was about time you showed up. Unfortunately I don’t have the power to send you back up there again.” “Right… UNFORTUNATELY…” “Huh… was he a dream?” “Who was a dream?” “Never mind.” BOTAR MAY HAVE THE POWER TO TELEPORT ANYWHERE HE KNOWS EXISTS BUT HE IS A TERRIBLE SHOT SO NO HE CANNOT JUST TELEPORT INTO MAKUTAS LAIR AND LOCK HIM AWAY HE IS NOT LIKE THOSE EAGLES WHO COULD HAVE DONE EVERYTHING

You would. Part 222: Should Have Thought This One Through “OK, what’s your plan? IF I HAD A WIDGET FOR EVERY TIME I’VE HEARD THAT… shut up and tell me. GUESS WHAT? THE LAST GUY WHO LEARNED THE WHOLE DETAILS OF IT WAS DRIVEN CUCKOO. You’re boasting. I admire that. IT’S TRUE! Of course it is. OH SHUT UP. Fine. So, what do we want to do right now? WE NEED TO STOP THE TOA FROM RETRIEVING THEIR MASKS. Alright, we-WITHOUT KILLING THEM. What?! Why!? BECAUSE THE PLAN SAYS SO. What do we need them alive for? TOTAL DOMINATION OF THE UNIVERSE. OK, fair point. So, how do we do that? The Rahi? BUNCH OF BLUBBERING BEASTS. I DID CREATE EVIL DOPPELGANGERS OF THE TOA, BUT THOSE ARE JUST AS EFFECTIVE AS THE TOA, SO THEY ESSENTIALLY CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT. I COULD TELEPATHICALLY COMMUNICATE WITH THEM, BUT THAT’S NOT EASY CONSIDERING I’M SHARING A PSYCHE WITH A COLOSSAL FAILURE. Wow. Screw you too then. I JUST HOPE THEY’RE NOT TRYING TO KILL THE TOA. BECAUSE IF THEY DO, NOT ONLY IS MY PLAN RUINED, BUT THEY WOULD CEASE TO EXIST.” Meanwhile… “*screams like a little girl*” “What?” “Get them out. NOW.” “Why? You’re not concerned about Makuta will do, are you?” “What’s the MATTER, Onua?! Dikapi? Cluck, cluck cluck cluck!” “No, you IMBECILE! If they die, WE die! We are essentially extensions of the murky parts of their spirit!” “That’s extremely inconvenient. Or incredibly convenient, when you think about it.” “What do you mean, convenient?” “Well for them at least.” “But wait, aren’t we technically also them?” “So… it would be in our best efforts to keep them alive.” “Yes.” “THEN WHY ARE WE DROWNING THEM?!” “Alright, alright! Hey Gali, stop drowning the idiots!” “WE’RE those idiots, idiot!” “Shut up idiot.” … … … … … “So, either they’re dead, which can’t be because we’re still here, or they’re gone.” “But where?” “Why are you asking me?” “I was thinking aloud.” “But we’re not telepathic!” “*sigh*” IT IS STRANGE THAT FIVE PEOPLE FOLLOW THIS TOPIC YET WE ONLY HAVE THREE LIKES CERTAIN SOMEONES ARE NOT PULLING THEIR WEIGHT

I demolish your bank to make way for a freeway. My mask.

Part 221: Social Klyma On the summit of Mount Ihu… “Chirp? Caw?” “Yes, Turaga, everything’s ready. See? Klyma’s here with the snacks.” “GOOD EVENING MY GOOD TURAGA! I HAVE BROUGHT THE REQUESTED DELICACIES! MUCH BETTER THAN THAT CANNED TRASH!” “Hoot…” “Speaking of which Klyma, have you seen the can opener?” “I’VE OFTEN WONDERED WHY WE ONLY HAVE ONE OF THOSE.” “Crow. Cock-a-doodle-doo.” “By the way, we wanted to discuss… ahem… the Ehrye problem.” “OH PLEASE, EHRYE’S NOT A PROBLEM ANYMORE.” Technically, he wasn’t lying. “Yes but… he spent the last ten years in that abandoned asylum. WILLINGLY. The guy’s a little unhinged.” “Twit-too-woo… Chirp…” “Yes… I mean, you know what happened to him.” “NO. NO I DO NOT.” “Crawk. Cluck! Hoooooot…” “He had an incident with one of Makuta’s Kraata. Touched him in a very sensitive place.” “OH GOOD LOR-“ “His mind.” “OH… OK.” “He’s not… been the same since. Shut himself up in that cursed asylum. Don’t even know WHY we built it.” “I heard he brought a freaking ROCKET LAUNCHER to that place to scare off any Rahi.” “Oh hey Kopeke.” “WHAT’S UP?” “Up is a direction.” “*SIGH*” EVEN HIS SIGHS ARE HAMMY

I foil your foil. My mask.

Erasmus, you know very well that those are scams! Part 220: Under the Sea, Under da Sea, UNDER THE SEA! “Ack! Arhk!” “*choke* Can’t… Breathe…” “I NOTICED! *gag*” “Good grief, you five idiots take an eternity to drown. Wait… fi-OW!” “Come on. Trying to drown the Toa of Water? I’d think I’d be smarter than that.” “Sadly, your intelligence is overshadowed by your ego. I should know. I AM that ego.” “She’s… talking about you guys…” “BE QUIET! *choke* Time to put you…” Kopaka brandished his sword. “ON IC-wait where’s my- *GAG*” He then relized it wasn't there, but it was still in his duplicate's stomach. Meanwhile… “Oh Makuta… this is horrible... Why... WHY WOULD HE STAB HIMSELF?!” “Wait, we can feel pain? I thought we couldn’t since we were shadow constructs.” “Well apparently we CAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAN! He just… punched me… in the crotch.” “I know! It was hilarious.” “They enjoy our pain. It makes them laugh.” “Who?” “THEM. Yes, I see you. And no, you’re not safe.” “Who is he talking too-OW!” “I can see why THEM find it funny, that was GOLD-OW! OK, stop it!” “I have no choice but to stop. Because all these lines make a wall. And now the wall is ending.” “…What the f-“ HE WAS ABOUT TO SAY FLIP HONEST

I drown you like a sack of puppies. My mask.

Part 219: The Future Can Wield Surprises “*yawn* Ah, it’s a beautiful morn-“ “SURPRISE!” “*sigh*… Ning.” “Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me.” “Go away.” “Yes I hate you as well.” “What is it you want this time?” “Just want to verify a few things. First of all: have the Toa all arrived yet?” “How am I supposed to know that? I know some have…” “OK, OK. Sheesh. Second of all: when’s that lavaboarding competition happening?” “…You’re not paying the slightest attention to what’s going on, are you?” “Oh. OH. So I take it that’s NOT happening?” “OF COURSE IT’S NOT!” “Well then… some bad news. Your timeline is deviating from mine.” “…What.” “You of all people should understand, Vakama, that time isn’t exactly a rigid material. The slightest change may result in a very different result. Have you done ANYTHING I told you not to do?” “Despite my better judgement, I have not.” “Well something must have happened. And I’m not to blame for this.” “Yes you are.” “Shut up.” “I still don’t understand, aren’t we in a stable time loop? The information you give me helps me to achieve a certain result?” “Well… no. In my timeline, yes, but you’re in another timeline from where I am.” “You just said that!” “I know. See, the point of me doing this is to ensure that as many timelines as possible get a favourable outcome, i.e.: Mata Nui awakens, Makuta is defeated, etc. So far… that plan isn’t going too well.” “WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION THIS BEFORE?!” “I thought it was obvious.” “Idiot. If you were half the guardian of time you’re SUPPOSED to be, you’d tell us how to beat him-“ “I can’t do that. The machine is incredibly fragile. Giving away unsubtle important information would cause untold catastrophe.” “How is that a thing?!” “Come on. You were the one who built its power source. You tell me!” “Whatever. Go away, I don’t need your help.” “Isn’t that what you said when-“ “I was mutated at the time!” “OK, I’m leaving. Just… do what you do.” I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH MY SCHEDULE I AM TURNING INTO PETEWA

But wait... you are in the Twilight Box. How can you... ... ... ... Welp, time to restart the universe. My mask.

Part 218: New Recruits In distance, five Shadow Toa watched as the water seemingly DRAGGED half the Toa Mata into its wet grip to drown them. “HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH! YEEES! EXCELLENT WORK!” “She’s quite good. Too bad I’ll be taking credit for it-“ “OH DON’T START THAT AGAIN!” “Thank you, thank you, you’re TOO kind.” “*snarl*” “I don’t understand what you guys are talking about, but if HE hates it, then I LIKE it!” “All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall-“ “OK, what’s up with him?” “All these lines make a wall-“ “We don’t know.” “Just ignore him, and we should be fine.” “All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these-“ “SHUT UP!” “Keep it down, numbnuts, they might hear us.” “Oh please. They’ve been hearing us for a while.” “What?” “Why do you think they’re running towards us?” “WHA-GAHAHHAHAHAOAWOOWOWOAOWOOW! Me STABBED me, what is wrong with me?!” “I can think of some reasons-“ “Shut my hole, me.” “Wait a second, where’s MY evil doppelganger?!” Suddenly, an arm formed out of the water and grabbed the three. “Oh.” And then, they were underwater. Meanwhile, Onua was internally complaining about this happening to him yet again. HA

No I couldn't because your cakes are terrible. Anyway I lock you in the oven and set it to 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 degrees. Celsius, not Fahrenheit. My mask.

I didn't ruin the party, you guys did! AND I HAVE NO HEAD. My mask.

You destroyed the cake! You miserable misers! *sigh* I suppose I better bake a new one... OUT OF YOUR BODIES. My mask and cake.

No, because Takua only appears in about a quarter of the story. He should be thankful he only has that to write. Also, hagiograph? I'd hardly call them saints. Part 217: Divide Six by Two “Alright gang, let’s split up.” “What?! Split up? IN HOSTILE TERRITORY!?” “That’s what I just said you literal dirtbag.” “This is a terrible idea.” “Do you have a better one?” “Well I’m not the leader, so I don’t make the plans. If I could be leader for-“ “You can be leader for a minute.” “I was going to suggest forever.” “Enough of this trite!” “Quite right!” “You shut up too!” “Be quiet, idiots.” “No YOU’RE the idiot.” “Yes, and also you.” “*sigh*” “Now if I were leader this sort of thing would never happen.” “I. HATE. ALL OF YOU.” “What did I do?” “No you don’t count because you’re a woman.” “Yes she does, I hate her because she seems to actually TOLERATE this stupidity.” “Yes but you tolerate it also-ow! You punched me in the face! You hit me RIGHT IN THE FACE!” “We noticed. Also, where are Lewa, Pohatu and Onua?” … … … … … “If they’re dead, I’m not digging the graves.” “Yes, because I’ll kill you as well.” “But you can’t-“ “I’ll find a loophole.” ALLYLOOPHOLE

What did I just say about heads? I don't need them. You don't need them. Pretty sure Inary needs them. Anyway I swap YOU for a cardboard cutout. My mask.