Toatapio Nuva

And a new one up!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1FDjad6d6o

Don't know if this was mentiomed yet, but I'm reading through Book 5 and the Mask of Light animations don't quite fit the timeline. They end with the toa going into the Great Temple to get the mask, but shortly thereafter (in chapters 44 and 45) the Great Temple is talked about again as if the toa haven't been in it since their transformation (they even refuse to go in because of it). Not sure where the Mask of Light animations would fit better, I haven't even read any further than this, but I wanted to bring it up before I forgot.

 

Actually, the temple in the animations isn't the Great Temple. This one is clearly situated in Ta-Metru, and doesn't resemble the Great Temple at all, aside from the spires.

Overall, I would assume that far fewer Bohrok Va than Bohrok were actually damaged or destroyed. In several of the bio's of the Bohrok Va it was stated how they relied on the protection of their respective Bohrok during the mission. The Bohrok Va also mainly did scouting and worked in the background, meaning that it was the Bohrok who received most of the opposition. Fewer Bohrok Va would therefore need to be "rebuilt", which would explain why they don't have the same origins Bohrok do, and could be simply assembled through different means.

I always thought Legends of Metru Nui had the best music out of the whole trilogy, so I'm immensely hyped!   And we'll even be getting an unreleased Web of Shadows track this time!

Where in MNOG is this visible? Could you provide a screenshot? If the same pattern indeed appears in both games, then it's probably safe to assume it's an easter egg.

I could launch into a long speech about just how important Bionicle is to me, but I think similar sentiments have already been echoed here, so these are the quotes that best describe it for me:

 

 "It meant everything to me. It still does."

- Vakama

 

But Bionicle? It was always there for me. It was what I looked forward to every Christmas and birthday, the saga that enraptured me with its twists and turns, the world I could get lost in and fall in love with.

 

LEGO for some reason put so much faith, work, and love into BIONICLE that I've never observed them put into another line. We all by know recognize the "LEGO formula" (color-coded heroes learn unity while fighting the bad guy to save the leader guy) exemplified in Knights' Kingdom, Exo-Force, Ninjago, Chima, Nexo Knights, and others still I'm probably forgetting, but those series, while I'm quite nostalgic for some of them, never felt like fully-fledged characters or locations. BIONICLE is the only one that truly rose above its origin as toy promotion.

 

I can only count myself incredibly lucky that I existed at the same time as this amazing story

 

The quote that explains it the most, however, is:

 

I personally think that Bionicle G1 is one of the greatest stories ever written.

 

I do think that the sets and story were both essential to Bionicle, and one without the other wouldn't have had the same impact on me, but in essence, it's the story that I most love about Bionicle. It's easy to downplay Bionicle, simply because it's a toyline, but many people don't realize just how well the whole thing was planned and executed from a story-telling/world-building perspective.

 

I'm not saying that the writing in the Bionicle books is top-notch (in fact, Greg's writing style often leaves a lot to be desired), but Bionicle definitely has the deepest lore and the greatest story I have ever encountered. Not only does it create an entire world from scratch, it also manages to make it feel real and alive in a way no other story has ever done to me. Plus, the whole story happening within the GSR is masterfully designed and gracefully executed. The level of planning that is required to pull something like that off is mind-blowing, and they succeeded in keeping the whole thing secret for 8 years, while still dropping hints throughout the years. This level of dedication is unheard of in any other Lego theme, and it's likely Lego will never go for something like that again, as long as simple stories with shallow characters (not saying they're all shallow, but definitely not on par with Bionicle's characters) are enough for them to sell their products.

One of the reasons I dislike the 2009-2010 story so much is because it simply requires too much suspension of disbelief. However, as you can see here, the GSR was intended by the original story team to be way smaller than the current canon says. I believe it was Greg who decided to arbitrarily make it bigger (he had a tendency to... exaggerate at times), which leads to a whole host of problems.

 

However, if we were to take the original size of the GSR as canon (as I choose to do), it basically solves all of the problems. It allows Aqua Magna to be the size of Earth, and Spherus Magna slightly bigger, but it's still within the limits of what is feasible, at least in fiction.

Of all the Bionicle story arcs, I feel like the Bohrok and Bohrok-Kal stories had the best comics to go along with them, and those comics were really heavily relied on to convey the stories. Inspired by some of the Bionicle motion comics on Youtube, most notably the ones made by Jackson Trent and TheShadowedOne01, I decided to make a motion comic series on the Bohrok comics, which haven't been adapted to video format anywhere else yet. Now, at last, I present the Bionicle  Bohrok motion comic series! The series will include all of the Bohrok comics from 2002, and the Bohrok-Kal comics from 2003. The animated comics include voice acting by some amazing voice talents.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ewGDuNDJ1U

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wgr-FSYSyq4&t=59s

 

I hope you enjoy!

So, book 5 done! Here are my comments on it (page numbers are the ones in the separate book):

 

Firstly, the short story Protection... I get that the story is canon, but honestly, it adds absolutely nothing to the overall story, since the slug-controlled Bohrok are not even seen in the book version of Maze of Shadows. The only reason Protection exists is to explain the wild Bohrok in the game version, so I think the story could be omitted entirely from this collection, since it has no added value. I understand if you wanna keep it for the sake of completeness, but that short story really serves no purpose, and may even confuse the reader.

 

If you do decide to keep the story, there are numerous points where paragraphs should be separated with an empty line, I think. Also, on page 3, the point "but Makuta had been right about them, except for the exciting..." - These two sentences should be separated, or the comma replaced with a ; (you'll see why when you read the full sentence).

 

Also, just like in book 4, the "1000 years ago" and "now" should be used to indicate past and present.

 

Page 9: "who knows how for underground they might extend?" - "for" should be "far"

Page 11: At the end of the page, add a full stop at the end of "said the Toa of Earth"

Page 21: "It served the Dark Hunters. It hunted and killed at their command. There is no fear of Toain its heart - to this creature, we are only prey" - this part should be in italics

Page 24: At the top of the page, add a full stop after "and grip the monster's tail"

Page 24: "You saw what happened to, Matau" - remove the comma

Page 25: Add a full stop after "but not its total mass"

Page 26: Add a full stop after "We're not going back," said Vakama

Page 31: "The Toa of Fire, shrugged..." - the comma shouldn't be here, although it's like this in the original text, so just decide whether you wanna correct it or not

Page 36: "Well, bury you" - "you" should be in italics

Page 39: "It was not the Karzahni's destiny to transform!' - Replace the !' with ,"

Page 40: Add a full stop after "using the staff to support himself"

Page 44: "Metru Nui will not miss you, Makuta, Vakama thought - "Vakama" should not be in italics

Page 45: Add a full stop after "laughed the Toa of Air"

Page 48: "He shot Nuiu a look of annoyance" - "Nuiu" should be "Nuju"

Page 70: Add a full stop after "its paw never even reaching her"

Page 70: Add a full stop after "The Matoran need us," added Vakama

Page 70: This is more of a lore-related remark, but the part where the Toa Metru heal the Ash Bear with their Toa power is very misleading, since it talks about the elemental properties of their powers, while Toa power doesn't have that. Maybe, if you want to correct that, remove the references to elemental properties of Toa power?

Page 76: "I need you to know that I've always" - "need" should be in italics

Page 77: "It's all right, Matau[,]" Nokama said - add a comma between Matau and "

Page 77: "You call this all right?" - "this" should be in italics

Page 77: Add a space between "and why we've become..." and "whatever it is we are"

Page 82: "They should have fled far from this place." Roodaka reflected - replace the full stop with a comma

Page 108: "Roporak" is mistakenly called "Roparak" five times on this page

Page 122: The end of the comic says "end chapter", but the following comic pages don't begin a new chapter, implying that they're part of the previous one

Page 126: Add a full stop after "Norik followed Vakama into the darkened chamber"

Page 127: Add a full stop after "The Toa Hordika slumped to the floor"

Page 131: "as much as to himself as to Nuju" - this is the way it is in the original text, but grammatically the second "as" should be removed, I think

Page 132: Add a full stop after "and waited for the screams to start"

Page 136: "Perhaps it will contain some valuable information, he hoped - "he hoped" should not be in italics

Page 136: "maybe I can find out what it is that's disturbing me, he reasoned" - "he reasoned" should not be in italics

Page 140: "there is something to be said for speaking to Rahi, and not just at them" - "to" and "at" should be in italics

Page 145: "Well, she had that right." Onewa muttered - replace full stop with a comma

Page 145: "they have been competing with each other for Makuta's favor" - although this is the way it's in the original text, "have" should definitely be "had"

Pages 145-146: Four instances of Roporak being mistakenly called "Roparak"

Page 149: Between "positions on another rooftop" and "If you lost yours", there should not be a division of paragraph

Page 152: "On a nearby rooftop. Nokama did the same" - replace the full stop with a comma

Page 154: "Krahka shifted her form to that of a razor-fish and drove" - this is the way it's in the original text, but "drove" should be "dove"

Page 162: I notice you've removed the word "Bionicle" from "listen again to our legend of the Bionicle". Just out of curiosity: why have you done that?

Page 236: "Maybe I don't want to do this without the others" - "want" should be in italics

Page 236: Although not necessarily an error, the Toa are referred to as Toa Metru once, although they are Hordika. Not necessary to change I guess, but a bit weird.

Page 237: Add a full stop after "It's why I have invited you here" (but obviously before the latter ")

Page 239: "I... don't know," - replace the comma with a full stop

Page 244: "Beast? I'm pretty sure it's s just me in here" - remove the random "s"

Page 244: Add a full stop after "Norik replied, looking away from her"

Page 244: After "until they reach the sky", the last quotation mark is the wrong way

Page 245: Add a quotation mark before "Protodermis that runs upward?"

Page 247: Add a full stop after "stepping over to join the Toa Hordika of Air in the center"

Page 256: "But in the moment of his death[,] Sidorak did something..." - add comma where indicated

Page 257: "You're my leader" - "my" should be in italics

Page 265: "You can afford a mistake or two against a Rahi beast," he reminded himself. "But not against these opponents. All they need is the slightest opening, and –" - use italics instead of quotation

Page 266: "I could kill you now, Toa[,]" she continued - add a comma between "Toa" and the quotation mark

Page 267: "Who's going to tell?" he asked himself. "The Toa will all be dead. Matoran? They'll believe whatever they are told to believe. And the Dark Hunters? Right, like anyone's going to listen to them." - use italics rather than quotations

Page 267: Between "I'll give you our answer" and "The next day", there should be a division of paragraphs

Page 267: Same thing (division of paragraph), but between "before Lhikan could answer" and "It's a deal"

Page 268: Before "Nidhiki sat on a beach", there should be a "Six months later"

Page 269: There should be a paragraph division between "It was time he and the Shadowed One had a talk" and "They're ready"

Page 269: "They're ready." Nidhiki reported - replace full stop with a comma

Page 269: "and then the sound dies in his throat" - This is the way it's in the original text, but "dies" should be "died"

Page 270: "four more times if he had too" - "too" should be "to"

Page 270: "one for transport back [to] the Shadowed One's island" - add "to" where indicated

Page 270: "...all the time on a job." Krekka answered - replace full stop with a comma

Page 270: Quotation mark after "Krekka -" is the wrong way

Page 271: There should be a division of paragraph between "to greet the new arrival" and "Get out of my way"

Page 271: "If you can call what she's got a 'face'" should be in italics

Page 271: There should be a division of paragraph between "We will conclude our arrangement then" and "Midnight found..."

Page 271: "She was too short-sighted," he decided. "Her horizon stopped on the borders of the island." - use italics instead of quotations

Page 271: "After all, I look the part," he reminded himself. "Of course, that won't matter if Roodaka doesn't show up soon." - use italics instead of quotations

Page 272: "If it weren't for me, the war would still be going on," he reminded himself. "The Shadowed One would be sitting in the Coliseum right now. But do I get gratitude? No, I get exiled. Well, I'll find a place where they need a Toa, and aren't too particular about that kind. And if Lhikan or one of those Metru Nui heroes tries to take it away from me, I'll make them regret the day they put on a Kanohi. All I need is for Roodaka to help me get what I deserve..." - use italics instead of quotations

Page 272: There should be a division of paragraph between "He screamed for a very long time" and "Roodaka watched with amusement..."

Page 272: "Can I assume I have purchased my training?" She asked - "she" should be without capital letter

Page 272: Press enter once between "from you once and for all" and "The Shadowed One laughed" (not a paragraph division, but a line division)

Page 274: Add a full stop after "bring the conversation to an abrupt halt"

Page 278: "but whoever they are, they will pay" - "will" should be italics

Page 278: "All of it?" the Shadowed One asked pointedly - "All" should be in italics

Page 278: "All of it." - "All" should be in italics

Page 279: There should not be a line division between "she answered, smiling" and "I know you"

Page 280: One instance of Jala being mistakenly referred to as "Jaller" (the last mention of him)

Page 281: "I know it was real" - "know" should be in italics

Page 284: "Turaga Dume - the real Turaga Dume - would never stand for this" - "real" should be in italics

Page 284: "even I'm not sure where it is" - "I'm" should be in italics

Page 285: Add a full stop after "I do remember that" (but before the ")

Page 287: Add a quotation mark before "Bad. Very bad."

Page 287: 'serves the Dark Hunters in order to...,[']" - Between , and " there should be a '

Page 292: Add a quotation mark before "And as for the other..."

Page 293: "then something, or someone, else had" - the "one" in the word "someone" should be in italics

Page 295: "I must, or you wouldn't need my help." said Vakama - replace the full stop with a comma

Page 296: then gestured toward Voporak and growled. "What are you waiting for?" - replace full stop with a comma

Page 297: "Ah, my brother's temple," said Makuta - add a full stop after "Makuta"

Pages 312 & 314: One story has "500 years ago" before it, and the other "The Island of Mata Nui...", which is a bit confusing. Why not combine the styles with "Metru Nui, 500 years ago" and "Mata Nui, 500 years ago"?

Page 312: There should be a division of paragraph between "especially about you being safe" and "Rain fell from the perpetually dark sky"

Page 312: "The group's self--proclaimed" - remove one of the hyphens, or at least make them the same way (one is higher than the other for some reason)

Page 312: There should be a division of paragraph between "everything in sight" and "Keetongu bolted upright"

Page 312: "Coliseum's balcony outer balcony" - remove the first "balcony"

Page 313: There should be a division of paragraph between "burning determination in his eyes" and "The Dark Hunter named Dweller"

Page 313: "If they are as wise as the Shadowed One says they are, then they will know exactly where to go to find their precious Keetongu" - should be fully in italics (at the moment, only "Keetongu" is)

Page 313: "present for the entire battle battle -- wouldn't want to..." - again, remove extra hyphen or at least make them the same

Page 313: "On one hand, this meant that the island city was still inhabited, but on the other, it meant that the Brotherhood of Makuta had failed once again to take over Metru Nui so it would be easier for the Dark Hunters to do so later. In the end, he decided that the latter was more appealing for the residents of Metru Nui would be conquered sooner or later and he was willing to wait" - this should NOT be in italics

Page 313: There should be a division of paragraphs between "and he was willing to wait" and "Once again, screams filled the air"

Page 313: "laughing manically -- it was the Shadowed One" - seriously, what's with these random hyphens that are on a different height compared to each other?

Page 314: Maku mistakenly called "Macku" once

Page 315: There should be a division of paragraphs between "I've got to get you to shore," said Amaya and "Churning water halted Amaya..."

Page 315: There should be a division of paragraphs between "Her world went black" and "Amaya."

Page 315: Press enter once between "Marka? Is she..." and "I'm right here!"

Page 315: Two instances of Maku being mistakenly called "Macku" at the end of the page

 

Now, the comics. I really liked the way you interwove them with Challenge of the Hordika at first, and they did flow flawlessly at first - until I stumbled upon two instances, where it creates inconsistencies. The first is on page 131, where Gaaki has to teach Nokama that she can still use her water powers with her Rhotuka, although she already did that in a comic that was placed before this point. The second instance is on page 134, where Whenua learns of Kahgarak for the first time, even though he already saw one in a comic that was placed before this moment. Additionally, due to the placement of the comics in relation to Challenge of the Hordika, there's a really long time between Iruini revealing to Matau that he was once a Toa Hagah, and the next time they're mentioned in the story (between pages 109 and 134, Matau and Iruini are not mentioned at all). The third problem appears on page 139, where Whenua supposedly charges his Rhotuka for the first time and is confused about it, even though he saw Nuju do it in a comic earlier. Then there's also a minor fourth instance, on page 174, where Whenua talks about him and Nuju being free to help, which refers to the comics that were place way back.

 

Now, the obvious solution to the problem with the comic placements would be to put them in the official canon order, which would mean placing all comics after Challenge of the Hordika. It's quite sad in my opinion though, seeing as I thought your placements would make more sense, if not for the continuation errors I listed above. I really liked the transition to Nuju and Kualus talking about bird speech, and Iruini revealing his past as a Toa right before the Toa Hagah comic. I don't really know how else to solve the problem though, without having to edit multiple paragraphs of text in the books.

 

Finally, to address the Quest for the Toa walkthrough, a complete walkthrough is actually nearly finished by myself and TuragaNuva. He's just going over it for any improvements that should be made.

There is one tidbit about the creation of Krana that wasn't mentioned here yet. The Zyglak were apparently a byproduct of the Krana creation process. The way BS01 puts it:

 

 

The Great Beings were seeking to create intelligent organisms called Krana, but found that some of the material they exposed to Energized Protodermis turned into Rahi-like Zyglak rather than Krana.

 

That seriously makes me doubt that the Krana were made from brains, or even masks. I mean, sure, EP can cause very bizarre changes, but I don't think it would turn a brain or mask into an entirely new being like that. Of course, we have no confirmation about that.

 

 

Finally, I kinda doubt that the Bohrok being dead Matoran was established when the Boxors were designed and thought up to be made of dead Bohrok, but either way, it was likely a case of the designers sneaking past a bit of dark body-horror the Lego censors who wouldn't dig into the lore deep enough to make the terrifying connection that the Matoran fought dead Matoran with double dead Matoran.

 

This is true, and it was confirmed by Greg years ago that the origins of the Bohrok weren't actually planned yet in 2002. This is kinda strange, considering that the 2002 promotional material had a heavy emphasis on the Bohrok being "similar" to the Toa, but I suppose that could have just been a reference to them being on the same side as the Toa. Still, lots of hints were dropped about Matoran and the Bohrok having similar origins. In the end though, it was Greg who came up with the idea that Av-Matoran transformed into Bohrok.

I'm definitely gonna jump back into this once the next arc begins.

 

I'm also curious to see how this arc will end.

 

Hm. I like your suggestion of changing it to "the cell" (or maybe "their cell"). Actually, if the idea is that they fell asleep in the cell, could their weapons have just been taken while they slept? I could just change "Their Toa tools were missing" to "Their Toa tools were now missing." Thoughts?

 

Hmm, it could work. It would allow for less editing than my original suggestion, which is definitely a good thing. It might contradict the later revelation that no one was actually guarding their cell, although maybe that was just because of the troller being there?

 

 

Fair points about the names. My main concern with them, though, is that adding all those names will overwhelm the reader with names. For a new reader, Bionicle names may not exactly be easy to keep track of, and the books were written to mostly only present names the reader should remember.

 

This is one of the reasons I also disagree with adding the names into the text. The story already has an overload of names and terms to digest, and the names of the Matoran don't carry any added value.

 

With regards to the order of chapters in the 2002 story, I found it to already flow quite nicely when I was reading it.

For transitioning between the past and present, what do you think of just putting "Now" whenever there's a transition to the present, and "1,000 years ago..." whenever there's a transition to the past? It's not exactly eloquent, but it's how I've established the time setting of pretty much everything else in the compilation.

Seems fine to me. I don't know if the "1000 years ago" is something we're supposed to know specifically at that point in the story, but I can't remember anything that would make it a problem.

 

Looking back at it, it seems like the references to the Whenua, Onewa, and Nuju waking up in their cell also doesn't fit what happened in the comics, so that needs to be dealt with as well. Which do you think is the better way of fixing those issues: 1) removing/editing all lines referring to them waking up and not having their tools, or 2) add a few words at the beginning of the book chapter where they wake up in their cell, suggesting that they tried to escape again (e.g. "After another attempt at escaping,")?

Agreeing with what you've said before, I would edit the original text as little as possible. I find the waking up in the cell thing less problematic than the tools thing, because they could've easily just spent a night in the cell they were trapped in and then wake up. The important thing there would be to make sure that the Toa don't show surprise at waking up there. You could also replace awakening with a different expression, like "captured in a cell", or "had found themselves in a cell", or something like that. The most minimalistic change I can think of would be to make the mention of "a cell" to "the cell", indicating that the cell is familiar.

Took me longer than I thought, but I finally got through all of book 4. Overall, it's very typo-free, and the continuity mostly works nicely, but of course there are some things that should be fixed.

 

Before the more specific fixes, a general idea: Maybe you should label the transitions between the present and the past, like with ”back in the present”, “Vakama’s story continues”, or something like that. In the original books it made sense with the introductions and prologues, but in your version it’s less clear-cut. The parts where we're back in the present could even be called interludes. I don't know, just a thought.

 

Ahkmou’s first scene should happen after the Toa Metru transformation. I understand if you don’t want to move it, since the beginning of the paragraph refers to the Kapura’s scene, but it’s confusing in terms of chronology the way it is now. Maybe edit it slightly and place it between the transformation and the reactions of the Toa to their transformations? Or, possibly, just add “hours before” before the Ahkmou paragraph?

 

The page numbers are according to the individual book this time, not the complete pdf.

Page 7: “class-room” should be “classroom”

Page 8: “threw it in top of a huge pile” – change “in” to “on”

Page 12: “The new toa” – capitalize Toa

Page 16: “lab worker was doing his best” – This is Ga-Metru, so it probably should be “her” instead of “his”. “His” is used in the original text, and I think it’s just a mistake. It is possible that the lab worker is actually from another metru though, and there’s nothing contradicting that as such, so it’s possible also not to change it. Whatever you decide.

Page 16: A division of paragraph is needed between “…I hope they are still there,’ said Nokama.” And “She returned to Vhisola’s home…”

Page 20: The letter to Nuhrii should be in italics; also, it’s made its own separate paragraph in the original text, so you might wanna change that too.

Page 23: “And nothing – nothing! – would make him risk the safety of the Archives” – the second “nothing!” should be in italics.

Page 29: “what could  not be found” – there’s an extra space between “could” and “not” that should be removed.

Page 30: “desperately trying to hand on to the Toa tool” – “hand” should be “hang”

Page 31: “No Matoran tools had done this” – “tools” should be “tool”

Page 38: “watched it bite into another culpture” – “culpture” should be “sculpture”

Page 49: “…and knifed through the protodermis[.] She slammed into Matau…” – there should be a full stop there.

Page 49: Very minor thing, but after “In Ga-Metru, go beyond the depths of Toa before”, the quotation mark at the end is the wrong way

Page 52-53: “Power code 1” is written like “Power code I” twice; I think the I should be changed to 1.

Page 69: Same very minor mistake with the quotation mark as on page 49. This occurs after “…that refer to a ‘king root’”

Page 69: I noticed that “akilini” is written without a capital letter here, while in the beginning it’s with a capital letter. In this case the original “kolhii” was written like this too, but I’m not sure about the way it was written in the beginning of the book. Might wanna check it, even if it’s a very trivial issue. If kolhii was written without a capital letter in Mystery of Metru Nui, akilini should probably be written the same.

Page 75: “…seemed to be have no effect” – this is the way it’s in the original text too, so I don’t know if you wanna change it, but it’s grammatically wrong. I guess it should be “seemed to be having no effect” or “seemed to have no effect”.

Page 87: There shouldn’t be a divide between “…adventure than it had been” and “If he wasn’t a Toa…”

Page 103: “Foil one and you may not have not get a chance…” – “Foil” should be “Fail”.

Page 105: “Another shift and now Nokama was facing the yellow Rahkshi” – In this context Nokama and Krahka were discussing the orange Rahkshi, since that’s how Krahka appeared to her, so the color of the Rahkshi is wrong. Might wanna change “yellow” to “orange”.

Page 161: Now this is something I’m not sure with: the word “break-down” uses the hyphen in the original text, but that’s cause the word is divided between different lines. Thus, I’m not sure if the word is supposed to be written “break-down” or “breakdown”.

Page 164: There should be a full stop after “It was still locked tight”.

Page 167: “…beauty of the Herdlands… “ – The quotation mark at the end has a space before it that should be removed.

Page 172: A bit of a continuity error at “They had expected to see the barren plains of Po-Metru, but instead it seemed they were a long way from the outdoors”. This obviously contradicts the comic earlier, where they were herded in by the Vahki and were already underground.

Page 179: “mid-night” should probably be “midnight”. Same issue as with page 161, the word is divided between different lines in the book.

Page 182: “Makuta, sensing his doubt, moved in closer” should have a full stop at the end.

Page 183: “He gestured toward the Great Barrier” should have a full stop at the end.

Page 188: “he had aided them in their fight against Makuta” should have a full stop at the end.

Page 191: “Nokama plunged beneath the murky riven” – “riven” should be “river”, and the sentence needs a full stop at the end.

Page 199: “Vakama shook his head.”No…” – put a space between “head” and the following sentence.

Page 202: “Mavrah said as he got closer” should have a full stop at the end.

Page 205: The title “Whenua’s Tale” should be in bold.

Page 205: “…not even Toa Lhikan! ” – there is an unnecessary space between this sentence and the quotation mark after it.

Page 205: “…with which Whenua was only barely familiar” should have a full stop at the end.

Page 208: “Whenua always suspected that Turaga Dume knew more about what had happened that he let on” – “that” should be “than”

Page 211: “just talk some sense to into him” – this is the way it’s in the original text, but it’s clearly an error: removing the “to” would fix it

Page 219: “This is not water” – the word “not” should be in italics

 

I actually like the way you wove together the epilogue of Darkness Below and the beginning of Legends of Metru Nui. Getting rid of the unnecessary introduction makes it flow better. Just one question though: Why did you remove the line “Any problems?” before the entry into the Coliseum? It’s probably a good change and that line certainly isn't needed, I was just wondering about the reason for it.

 

Also, at first I thought the slot in which you put the comics would cause continuity problems, with the whole jumping into chutes thing being put after them, but it actually works pretty well. I did notice you edited the latter part a bit though, with Nidhiki and Krekka coming out from behind buildings rather than the Coliseum. If you wanna keep it unaltered, you could just insert the comics after the Toa Metru jump into the chutes at the Coliseum. That way there would be no need for edits and the continuity would still flow quite nicely. Plus, it would explain how the Toa got to Ga-Metru, since they would have hopped into a chute.

 

There are a few problems with the comics themselves, though. The first is that Onewa mentions them having their Toa tools in the cell, while the book states otherwise. An easy way to solve this would be to remove the instances where this is mentioned from the book text. This would include “Their Toa tools were missing” on page 164 and “At least we don't have to go in there without our tools, thought Onewa. All of their equipment was stacked neatly by the tunnel entrance, including a compact item that the Turaga took for himself. Onewa found that it felt good to have his proto pitons in his hands once more. He vowed that no one would ever take these symbols of his Toa power away again” on page 173. Those are the only sentences that contradict having the tools in the comic.

 

Another comic problem is with Nokama being surprised at Vakama saying that Dume is responsible for Lhikan’s disappearance. They already established this briefly before jumping into the chute at the Coliseum. Not sure if that’s fixable though.

 

In the comic with the Tahtorak, there’s a yellow box telling the reader to read Darkness Below if they’re confused. You wanted to remove those, right?

 

With regards to the ending paragraph of Legends of Metru Nui, I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it really wouldn’t make sense anywhere else, and it was intended to be placed where it is now, but on the other hand it just sticks out awkwardly, and is just bad story-telling that spoils the ending of the rest of the flashback story. I don’t think it would help matters at all to move it, I just wanted to vent out my frustration.

 

That might work well. I think my only concern would be how well that would serve as an introduction to Bionicle as a whole (since it would be the beginning of the very first Book). Maybe it could go right after "The Legend"? Anyway, if you've played through the game recently, your memory of it will be infinitely better than mine, so it'd be great if you wanted to take a stab at writing something up.

 

Perhaps a Quest for the Toa walkthrough could serve as the epilogue to book 1, rather than a prologue? The whole idea of MNOG is that Takua doesn't remember what has happened before, and the reader is supposed to share that confusion of time and place with him. But at the end of MNOG, both Takua's names and a few details of his past deeds are revealed. MNOG ends with Takua returning to Ta-Koro with Vakama, which would logically be the time he would be told of his past adventures. Therefore, I feel like the Quest of the Toa should be an epilogue with a "shortly before the arrival of the Toa", or another introduction.

 

With regards to the Hero Agori story, even though it's canon, it doesn't add anything to the story, so I doubt it would fit the compilation well. That's just my personal opinion, though.

 

As with adding the names of MNOGII characters in the books, wouldn't that stray from the goal of keeping the books as original as possible? I don't really see the benefit of arbitrarily changing text in the books just to include a few MNOGII names, even if said names are canon.

wouldn't that still contradict Makuta mentioning the Rahkshi being trapped in ice?

 

No, because the part where Makuta says that would be directly before the Rahkshi actually break free. The order would be:

1. Makuta scares Takua in the tunnel

2. Makuta releases the other three Rahkshi (and mentions the previous three being bound in ice)

3. The previous Rahkshi break free from the ice

4. The comics

 

but since an indeterminate amount of time has passed since the Toa were last seen together, it could theoretically refer to another event.

 

That's true, but since we are actually shown Onua and Pohatu getting buried, but given no resolution to it in between, the intended connection is quite clear. It'll also be something that the reader will think about. They'll think "doesn't that refer to that time they were buried in Onu-Koro?" rather than "although I was told about them getting buried earlier, maybe they got buried again after they got free and I just didn't see them get out of it the last time?"

Having taken a quick look at the revised book 3, there are still a few things to mention.

 

Firstly, the current chapter 8 (on page 36) ends with Vakama's words “The Toa, Turaga, and all of these three Koro have assembled within these walls to see the Championship. Go now to the Kolhii field, and face your destiny.” But then we suddenly go to the Turaga's meeting before the game. I would suggest moving chapter 8 to after the meeting of the Turaga (so between chapter 15 and 16).

 

I also noted that you changed some of the references to all villages being in the game, but not all. For example, Whenua still mentions Onu-Koro going to see the match. I see you edited Vakama's line to talk about "these three Koro", but I think it would make sense to change that to "Ta-Koro, Po-Koro and Ga-Koro", since we don't really know which three Koro made it to the championship until that moment.

 

The Rahkshi comic indeed is difficult to place anywhere without contradicting canon. I do think the current order is fine, though there's still the quite glaring contradiction with Gali talking about Kopaka saving Onua and Pohatu. There is one order I've figured out that should be almost entirely compatible with canon: placing all of the comics where they were before the edit, and moving the short paragraph with the Rahkshi escaping the ice just before that, at the end of chapter 27. You would still need to omit the "What's a Rahkshi?" later, but aside from that the order would then be compatible with everything else. I understand if you don't want to change the order again, but I decided to share the idea anyway.

For starters, get rid of story-breaking alternate universes. Ugh.

 

Couldn't agree more with this.

I just finished going through Book 3. There are a lot of things to comment on in that book, but this is mainly because the MNOG II walkthrough is a part of it, and... well, it's practically filled with typos and other mistakes. They're all part of the original text itself.

 

The first issue I took note of though, is that the main parts of the MNOG II walkthrough really should come before Tales of the Masks in terms of chronology. The ending of Tales of the Masks leads directly into Mask of Light, and the meeting of the Turaga portrayed in that book happens right before the Kolhii championship.

 

Anyways, I've divided my comments so that MNOG II has its own section in spoiler tags, cause there's a lot to say.

 

MNOG II walkthrough (generally more open to criticism and stylistic pointers I think, since it's fan-written):

 

 

 

Books/comics

Page 264: Whenua turned and looked up at the Toa of Earth, Onua was silent... - comma should be a full stop.

Page 338: "But Tahu somersaulted away, away, then knocked..." - remove extra "away,".

Page 341: "a sudden gust of vine" - it's this way in the original text, but should it be "wind" instead of "vine"? I dunno, just thought I'd bring it up in any case.

Placement of the Rahkshi comic: There's a continuity problem here, cause the comic with Lerahk, Guurahk and Panrahk is placed after they are trapped in ice by Kopaka (trapped in the previous chapter, but not freed until much later in the chapter where Takua escaped Onu-Koro - Makuta even mentions how they are bound in ice on page 355). I guess there could be multiple ways to fix this: one way would be to simply include the comic parts featuring Lerahk, Guurahk and Panrahk before the Ko-Koro scene in Mask of Light, in which case the part where Makuta releases the other three Rahkshi would have to come somewhere in between. Another possibility is moving the paragraph which talks about the Rahkshi freeing themselves from the ice (which is currently on page 373) before any of the comics.

Page 372: "...breathed out with relief as he and Onua emerged..." - "Onua" should actually be "Pohatu", looking at the context. This is because "he" already refers to Onua. It is like this in the original text, but since it's an error, it might be good to fix it in this case.

Page 377: "cutting of their escape" - "of" should be "off".

Page 380: Between the paragraph ending in "bowed" and "The next morning", there appears to be a double gap instead of just one.

Page 389: This page of the comic has the speech bubble "It looks like one of your cyclones at work" twice, except that the other one has a typo in it.

Honestly, though, looking back at it, I'm thinking about cutting everything in that chapter after "He kept moving toward what appeared to be a great walled city, sitting in the middle of a lake of molten lava." I think introducing all that info in the first chapter kind of throws off the flow of the book (not to mention the way that Vakama and Ta-Koro aren't really introduced, as if the reader should have heard of them already). I like having the mention of Tahu seeing Takua, since it makes it clearer in MNOG Chapter 1 that Tahu is who Takua sees on the beach, but everything after that is information the reader will find out later anyway. Thoughts?

 

I must admit I had similar thoughts about it. I like the additional dialogue it gives, as well as the fact that it introduces the specific powers of the masks, but its storytelling is a bit akward. If you decide to leave out that part, it might indeed flow better.

 

EDIT: Oh, by the way, you might also wanna add a comma in between "To the south[,] jagged rocks made a crude wall against the ocean" when you next update that book. The original version doesn't have the comma, but it should probably have one.

Book 1 now includes another segment from the Style Guide, and the Kaita/Manas fight has been slightly reworked again, now incorporating a line from another Style Guide segment (also fixed a couple remaining present- vs. past-tense issues from combining MNOG and Chronicles #1)

 

Great job on the Kaita/Manas battle! This version is definitely the best it has been, and flows much better than before. I think the parts you chose to include and leave out were well decided. Just one minor thing: On page 123, it should actually be Tahu who says "Where wisdom and valor fail, all that remains is faith. And it can overcome all" instead of Gali.

 

Also, I have a suggestion for chapter 1 of that book: what about if you remove the part "When he reached a charred forest, Tahu encountered a small being who reacted to him with fear. This being, a villager, had mistaken Tahu for one of the bestial Rahi who stalked the island. Later, Tahu finally found his way to the village of Ta-Koro and its leader, Turaga Vakama", and instead make it a break between two paragraphs? Then it would sort of skip the non-canon part, and make the transition between the beach and Ta-Koro a bit more fluid. Another option would be to include "Tahu finally found his way to the village of Ta-Koro and its leader, Turaga Vakama". These are just suggestions to think about if you wanna change that chapter.

 

Book 2 now includes the Style Guide segment about Gali losing her powers (unfortunately, I couldn't find any good way to really work in the 2 suggested 2002 Style Guide bits)

 

Yeah, those Style Guide Bohrok stories don't really seem to fit that well. The one with the volcano trap clearly is supposed to happen between Lewa's rescue and descending into the Bohrok nest, but the way the Chronicles book is written makes it impossible to fit.

 

However, they did remove the "Ignition" branding from the '08 comics, making it a little more murky. At this point, I'm considering dropping the name "Ignition" for any Book, since it could seem incorrect either way.

 

Yeah, the fact that they changed it to "Battle for Power" indicates an intention to distinguish 2008 from the "actual" Ignition saga. Of course, a lot of the elements of what would've been the final Ignition year were used in 2008, like the location and the way the Ignika is used in the Codrex.

 

So, you typed this up yourself? Like... over a dozen of Greg Farshtey's novels? That must make you as masterful an impersonator of his style as anyone could be. Out of curiosity, noticed anything that's particularly him about his writing? Like, a turn of phrase or a formatting that you could single out as a habit of his?

 

Greg definitely has his own writing style, which quite heavily relies on cliffhangers and witty dialogue. It's a style that works for a story like Bionicle, but I'll admit that it definitely becomes repetitive in the later Bionicle years. I feel his writing was at its best in the 2004-2006 stories, whereas his weaknesses as a writer began to show in the 2008 serials, where most of the plotlines didn't actually get a resolution, and a lot of the content was cheesy and cliche. In general, it's clear that he put more effort and thought into the books than the serials.

 

For the record, I didn't actually type up everything from start to finish for every book. I did it that way for a few of them, but then discovered a website that allows you to convert text on images into pure text, so I used scans of the book pages to do this. Of course, there were a lot, and I mean a lot of typos and other issues with the text that came out, especially with all the different Bionicle-exclusive names (for example, it autocorrected every mention of Jaller to "jailer", which was especially frustrating in the 2007 story where that word is also often used to describe Hydraxon), so editing and checking all of it did take a lot of time. But at least I didn't have to type every word from scratch.

 

EDIT: Also, yay for this project being on the front page!

I read through the new version of chapter 1. It flows nicely, but kind of contradicts the canon, cause it doesn't mention Jala's trap. It does come across as more of a summary of events though, so it might be excusable. I don't really know how to do it better, except with maybe a paragraph skip from the beach to Ta-Koro.

 

Also, I think Makuta's Diary would make a great epilogue, in which case it would make sense for the previous chapter to be called a chapter. Do you already have typed up versions of the Diary chapters, or would you like help with it?

 

As for the titles, I like "Secret of the Swarms" and "The Final Battle". I wouldn't use "The Seventh Toa" as a title though, since it begins with the Kanohi Nuva collecting and kinda spoils the plot of the latter part of that chapter. Then again, I suppose "Mask of Light" would do the same... not sure.

 

By the way, since I was going through the Style Guide anyway, I decided to convert to text all the parts that might interest you:

 

This could work as part of the Kanohi searching montage in the 2001 story.

 

 

 

I feel kinda bad presenting this here now that you already revamped the Toa Kaita/Manas battle. This part mostly overlaps with that fight, so there might not actually be anything worthwhile to add, but I figured I'd put it here anyway.

 

 

 

This is sort of an alternate version of Vakama's explanation of the Bohrok. Not necessary to add by any means, but it does have a few extra lines of dialogue that might be interesting.

 

 

 

This is a battle between all the Toa and some Bohrok. It takes place after Lewa was saved from the Krana, so fitting it into the overall narrative might be a bit difficult. I'm thinking that it could be placed after the Toa meet, but before they present their Krana and conclude that they have enough.

 

 

 

Now this one fits in the story perfectly, possibly right after Lewa loses his powers. It's just a short segment of Gali losing her powers, but it's not depicted anywhere else.

 

 

 

Makuta's Diary would be right before Chapter 1 of The Legend Reborn

 

This could be just my opinion, but wouldn't Makuta's Diary be better as an epilogue to the 2008 story?

 

 

1. Quest for the Masks
2. The Bohrok Swarms
3. Mask of Light
4. City of Legends
5. Web of Shadows
6. Island of Doom
7. Prisoners of the Pit
8. Ignition
9. Journey's End
10. Epilogue

 

I actually like these title suggestions, aside from "Ignition". I didn't mention this before, but Ignition actually refers to the resurrection of Mata Nui in the 2007 story, not the 2008 one. "Mata Nui Rising" or "The Final Battle" would be more fitting titles for the 2008 story, in my opinion.

 

Also, I actually liked the title "Masks" for the 2003 story, for the sole reason that in combines the search for the Kanohi Nuva with the Mask of Light story, so it makes sense.

 

Oh, also: if you could let me know your thoughts on where I inserted those Bahrag lines ("You dared oppose your brothers"), that would be great.

 

The way you did it looks good, I don't think any other placement would be better.

 

 

I assume the passage you quoted from the Style Guide is part of the '01 story? It sounds like it is, but everything else you mentioned was from Book 2, so it threw me off for a sec.

 

Oh yeah, sorry about that. Yes, it's from the 2001 story. Speaking of the Style Guide, there's also a part at the beginning of it with Vakama explaining to Tahu his mission. It might be interesting to include, though I have no idea where it would fit without standing out akwardly.

 

 

Re-watch the Bohrok animations, and possibly include screenshots from them

 

The news segments kinda cover these to some extent, but the idea is very nice nonetheless.

 

EDIT: Here's the part with the first meeting of Vakama and Tahu. I might type up the other interesting parts of the Style Guide later. This one is pretty neat though, cause it references Takua on the beach too.