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Lord Frezon

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Year 14

About Lord Frezon

  • Birthday 11/17/1993

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  1. Day 16 Producer: You know, we never actually got to the bottom of how the “days” in this story work. Like, we haven’t been on this journey to kill Frezon for 4 whole days in universe, and out of universe it’s taken Frezon like 3.5 years to write these chapters. Ehlek: Yeah, what gives? Weapon: I think it probably has something to do with the Vahi Carapar carries around. Carapar: Yeah, it’s gotten banged up a bit over the years. Thing’s over a thousand years old, can’t expect it to be perfect. Announcer: Well, that makes about as much sense as any other possible explanation. Ehlek: Hey, here’s another thing I’ve been wondering: what exactly are Cameraman, Announcer, and Producer? *Awkward Silence* Announcer: I-I think I’m a normal Bionicle. Producer: Yeah… I’m pretty sure I have… gears. Solek: Ok, you have to have been described at some point in the story. Like, Frezon has been writing this for literally the majority of his life, how can a plot hole like this exist? Cameraman: I have man in my name, maybe we’re other humans? Hammox: No, I definitely would have commented on that when I became a guest star Osram: Yeah, same. It’s something else. Shadow Leech: Maybe they’re antimemetic entities, their true forms incapable of being perceived or described besides an acknowledgement that they do in fact exist and have physical forms, the effect so strong and uncontrollable even they have no idea what they are? Solek: …What Weapon: That actually makes a lot of sense, Frezon just created a trinity of SCPs the same year the SCP wiki was uploaded. Always knew he was ahead of his time. Carapar: Yeah, great going man! Announcer: Right, right, we’re still killing him, though, right? Solek: For sure Ultimate Rahkshi: Definitely Kirop: Absolutely. Carapar: Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m just praising Frezon for being ahead of his time at the young age of 14. Frezon: Wrong again, you praised me because I wrote those words for you because based on your previous character interactions you would be the most likely one to praise me. Ehlek: You know, you’re taking the reality of your oncoming death very calmly. Frezon: How many times do we have to go through this? You can’t kill me, I wrote this part of the story to help YOU come to terms with your lack of free will so you return to the studio and actually tell the news for once in your miserable lives. Solek: See, that doesn’t make any sense, because if we really didn’t have free will and you really did want us to tell the news, why not just write us doing that? Weapon: Yeah, you get him, Solek. Tear his “logic” to pieces. Frezon: OK, here, if you want me dead so much, let me take you to where you’re going just to prove to you that it’s impossible. *Freaks get teleported to the Weapons Section of Frezon’s Psychoverse* Weapon: Home sweet home. Announcer: OK, so we’re looking for Nightblood, a talking sword that can kill anything even an immortal ghost, which is what Frezon probably is. Carapar: You mean this guy? (points to case containing Nightblood, the talking sword that can kill anything) Nightblood: Oh hey, y’all wanna destroy some evil? Solek: Perfect, now we just need someone who isn’t evil who can wield it. *Awkward silence* Producer: OK, ONE of us has to not be evil, right? Shadow Leech: Definitely isn’t me, my psychopathy and sociopathy are well recorded at this point. How about Kirop? Kirop: Yeah I should be good! Frezon only brings me into the story to kill me, I can’t have ever wanted to do anything evil. Frezon: Wrong, when you developed cloning powers back in Day 3 of The Shadow Leech Soap Opera SMACKDOWN, you immediately used them to fight Solek and attempt to ruin his life, then on Day 21, you formed a sentient cloud that you used to torture Cameraman. Camerman: Dude that was like over a decade ago, how the do you remember that? Frezon: Point is, I specifically made it so that none of you could use Nightblood because you’re all terrible individuals. Carapar: (holding Nightblood) Sorry, were you saying something? Frezon: Frezon: OK, hold up, I KNOW you have to have done something self-serving over the years. Nightblood: Oh for sure, definitely evil, but he seems like a fun guy in general. Solek: HA! You giving Carapar infinite power has ruined you yet again! Announcer: Alright, we’ve got what we need. On to Frezon’s Citadel once more to destroy him for good! *Commercial Break* Will Nightblood betray them? Will we ever learn what AN, CM, and PR are? Will we get two chapters next year as well? Find out next time on…. BIONICLE NEWS!!!!!!!!
  2. So I’m pretty sure this is the longest running, still updating Bionicle fanfic out there. The original Bionicle News premiered in 2008 and I’ve been writing the same characters since. If you’ve been doing one longer, or know of a longer running Bionicle fanfic, let me know, because Mata Nui knows my joke story featuring a Shadow Leech whose entire schtick is that he’s mentally unstable and wants to drink Solek’s light should not carry that honor. Bot gosh darn it, I’m keeping it until proven otherwise! Anyway, enjoy the chapter. Day 15 *News crew cowers behind a bunker* PR: Mata Nui, what is happening out there? SL: Oh, didn’t you hear? It’s 2021, the world is ending. Solek: I’m blaming Malachai Pathofexile, this definitely seems like a cataclysm. Malachai PoE: I deny everything. Also, weren’t y’all supposed to fight me or something? Carapar: yeah, but we need to socially distance and you keep trying to get too close to us with those blood worms. Malachai PoE: You guy’s aren’t vaccinated? Wow what losers. Ehlek: Actually, since Frezon is vaccinated and we’re all just extensions of his will, I’m pretty sure we’re vaccinated too. Weapon: Oh good, that means I don’t have to socially distance from Malachai Malachi PoE: Now wait a moment let’s talk about things oh god oh n- *more unspeakable violence* AN: *holding in vomit* it’s for the greater good it’s for the greater good it’s for the greater good it’s for the greater good Solek: That’s right, AN, we’re committing atrocities because it’s the right thing. Now forward! Frezon: I can’t believe that you guys still want me dead. It’s been like, 3 years, haven’t you gotten over the whole “we have no will of our own and exist only as playthings in a superior being’s world” thing? SL: First of all, you, superior? Lol. And second, no. PR: Yeah, just because you didn’t write a chapter last year because of something like “coronavirus” or “writing your dissertation” doesn’t mean that we suddenly changed our minds about the necessity of your demise. Solek: If anything, it’s amplified it. Frezon: Well, that’s just because I can’t think of anything else to write! Don’t you see? Your entire ploy is entirely constructed by me! You have no free will, just predetermined actions I set you in. UR: Oh yeah? Then why are you trying to stop us? Afraid of your own characters, author man? Frezon: No, I’m just trying to get you to accept the reality of your situation before you hurt yourselves. Just, like, go back to the studio and keep doing shenanigans. Hammox: No can do author boy. Your butt is grass and we are the lawnmower. Osram: Indeed. Now what’s the next pitiful roadblock in our quest to destroy you? Carapar: OOO OOO! I hope its shiny! Frezon: Yep, it is ABSOLUTE RADIANCE HOLLOWKNIGHT APPROACHES CM: Ok, I do not know how that title card appeared in the video stream. AN: Uhhh Frezon, what is that? Frezon: It’s the Absolute Radiance Hollowknight, the ultimate final boss and The Forgotten God of Light. Weapon: Frezon… *shaking with suppressed laughter* Solek: Don’t tell him, it’s better this way. Frezon: What? Ehlek: *stifling laughter* No, don’t worry about it. Frezon: No, seriously, this is a massive threat, why are you laugin- Carapar: *slaps Absolute Radiance Hollowknight on the wall, killing it instantly* Dang, that was a big moth. Frezon: Frezon: Well that’s not good. *News freaks ascend steps of Frezon’s Citadel, open the door* Kirop: We made it! And I’m still alive! Weapon: You sure are, buddy. Now, let’s find this nerd and destroy him once and for all. Frezon: Uhhh… WAIT! You’ve killed me before and I didn’t die, right? I must be immortal! Solek: Dang, that’s true. Guys, we need to find a weapon that can kill immortals. Weapon: *reading “Weapon’s Guide to Weapons”* Hmmm… easiest one to get to in Frezon’s Psychoverse is probably Nightblood. That should end him right quick. AN: Then we get Nightblood, come back to the Citadel, and wrench back control of our reality. SL: Excellent! This isn’t just a prelude to me betraying you all again or anything, I’m in this for the long haul! Solek: Well that’s not foreshadowing at all. Come on, gang! To fetch a talking sword! *Commercial Break* Will the freaks succeed in their quest to end Frezon? Will they be able to not be destroyed by Nightblood because, let’s be real, they’re all super evil? Will more chapters come in 2021? Find out next time on… BIONICLE NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. Day 14 (for real this time) *A giant orange cat stands in front of them* AN: What the is this?! SL: That's Garfield. HE was created by Jim Davis in '78 and more recently has become a pop culture icon, most recently used as a joke, and probably being used as a joke here for being out of place." AN: Yes I knew that I... wh... why did I know that?! How?! CM: I DON'T KNOW! WE BEG GOD TO DIE BUT HE WILL NOT PUT THOSE WORDS TO PAGE! PR: Wow Frezon just wholesale stole that from Thel, he’s going to go to all the prison Solek: He should be there already. Frezon: Hey that’s mean. Anyway, you can’t kill me if you can’t get past my Eldritch Gate Guardian, Garfield. Weapon: That’s what you think, but Carapar and I found a new friend, and he howls all he wants. Meet Umbra! Excalibur Umbra: *Howls* Carapar: You tell him buddy! Plus, he’s a Warframe, so the Bionicle rules don’t apply to him Ehlek: Let’s be real, Warframe is basically just Bionicle with guns. Frezon: Fair. AN: So, will you surrender to our mighty presence, or will you foolishly fight us as we send waves of Kirops at you until you die? Frezon: Look man, I’m not one to tell you how to break out of this reality and the constraints placed upon your character arcs, but if you’re gonna do any of that, killing Kirop is pretty in line with what you normally do. Solek: Dang, he’s right. Guys… we need to make sure… SL: Don’t say it Solek, please don’t say it Solek: We need to keep Kirop alive throughout this entire mission Kirop: Oh thank Mata Nui Vican: Wait, I’ll act as a sacrifice. My life is meaningless anyway. AN: Well that sounds like a horrible idea to me, so do it. Distract the cat-demon with your death. Vican: I regret that I still have a life to give! *runs into the gaping maw of Gar’field, the devourer” Umbra: *Howls* CM: Oh that is brutal! Hold on, let me get another angle. Vican: OH MATA NUI THE PAIN WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH PLEASE MAKE IT STOP Frezon: Well, that’s certainly something. Ehlek: Oh man… I’m going to be sick Carapar: Don’t worry, his death is only the first of many! Weapon: Yeah! Come on guys, the gate is unguarded! PR: We are totally getting demonetized because of this. *The News freaks enter the Citadel of Frezon, the Impotent* Frezon: Hey that’s not my title Solek: Dude, you just had us fight your gate guardian which we did by feeding it a Matoran, you deserve the title. Carapar: Yeah, plus the title of Omnipotent is limited for me alone. Frezon: Well, you’ll never beat my next guardian! *The freaks come upon Ludwig, the Accursed* Ludwig: *Howls* Umbra: *Also howls* Ludwig & Umbra: *Engage in epic howling match* Carapar: See, I told you he’s come in handy! Weapon: Two guardians down! Bring it Frezon, your butt is grass and we’re the lawnmowers! Kirop: I remain optimistic that I might survive a chapter SL: I wouldn’t hold on to that optimism, pessimists live longer. *Commercial Break* What new horrors does Frezon’s Citadel hold in store? Will I add in more references to random video games I play? Will I post a chapter before the last week of 2020? Find out next time on… BIONICLE NEWS!!!!!
  4. Chapta 2 Carapar woke up, with a massive headache, possibly form the thinking. He went downstairs in his giant mansion, and saw his mom making shadow leech tea. This was for 2 reasons. 1, it was really tasty, and 2, it annoyed the heck out of their chief spy, SL. SL: You got that right. Stop boiling my brothers! PR: SHUT UP LEECH!!!!! Seriously, I don’t know why Frezon hasn’t fired you yet. Frezon: Because he’s hilarious. Continue. Anyway, Carapar noticed that his mom kept glancing out of the kitchen. Carapar asked, “What’s wrong?” Gavla sighed, and said, “Oh, nothing. Just go into the living room.” Carapar did, and saw Gorast lying on the floor, surrounded by Energized proto bottles. Gorast grunted, then saw Carapar and said, “Hey.” Carapar looked at her as she sat up, pretty sure she was a little loopy, to say the least. Gorast said to Carapar, “put your hand in this,” and picked up a box. Carapar looked inside, and saw that inside were blades, saws, and flamethrowers. Carapar snorted and said, “Really lady, are you completely out of your gourd?” As Gorast came out of her squash, “there is no way I’m putting my hand in that.” Then Gorast looked at Carapar and said in a hypnotic voice “put your hand in. Woooooooo..... Woooooooooo...” Although Carapar could have just used his massive mind- PR: CUT!!!! Carapar, you don’t have a mind. Carapar: I don’t? AN: No. You’re stupid. Solek: Don’t say that to my son! Continue the story. Anyway, Carapar put his hand in the box. Immediately, he felt a tingling sensation that relaxed him and felt quite nice. Apparently, this was supposed to hurt, but Carapar’s enhanced body felt no pain. He decided to moan a little for dramatic effect. Gorast turned off the box and said, “Wow. That was supposed to kill you. Good job.” Then Gavla walked in. she saw that her son was still alive! Obviously, seeing as he was a hulking mass of muscle that when he did a pushup, he pushed the universe down, not- PR: CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop the Chuck Norris references! Gorast said, “Carapar, we bean goats-” “Bene Gesserit” Whispered Gavla, “Yes, beanie yogurts are looking for the cracker head-” said Gorast before Gavla corrected her “Kwisatz Haderach.” Sometimes her boss was so weird. “Yeah, that. We think you might be him. If you are, you will be able to CONTROL THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!! Now go away.” Gorast then passed out on again, as Gavla escorted Carapar from the room. PR: That’s it. Hammox, Ehlek get ready for the next scene, and can somebody find a Piter de Vries? -Chapter end- What will happen next? Who is Piter? Who cares? Find out next time in....... Dunonicle. Chapter 3 Everything was dark, people were screaming, and fireballs were raining from the heavens. Suddenly, a light turned on. Just another regular day on Geidi Prime Nui. Ehlek, Hammox, and Takadox were sitting around a table. Takadox and Hammox were really bored, and Ehlek was looking at a globe made of cheap materials like cardboard, glue stick, Popsicle sticks, and string. “Look at it boys, isn’t it pretty?” asked Ehlek, looking at the globe lovingly. Takadox sighed, “Pretty, no. It’s Dunonicle, the harshest desert-.” “Dessert?” interrupted Hammox, always hungry for more candy. “No, DESERT,” Corrected Takadox, “Although it does have some nice EP, which people use as dessert.” “And we control it, right?” asked Hammox. Takadox corrected him again, saying, “No, we used to control it. But your uncle plays poker with Duke Solek, and they both drank a lot of EP, and your uncle bet the planet and lost.” Ehlek started to get mad and said, “You won’t like me when I’m angry,” and started to turn green. PR: CUT!!!!!! Ehlek is already green. And why did you hire Takadox? Osram: He was free. He just wanted to be in a movie. AN: restart this thing so we can get it over with. Anyway, Ehlek pressed a button and Takadox’s shock collar zapped him. “Silence fool!” yelled Ehlek “Tell my handsome nephew Hammox (although not as handsome as myself)” “HANDSOME?!?!?” Yelled Ehlek’s other nephew Kalmah, “You are a fat, mutated-” so Ehlek turned on his shock collar as well. “Quiet. Now, Takadox, tell Hammox the rest of my genius plan.” Takadox sighed “anyway, we will hassle Duke Solek for a while, and we will make an attempt to kill Carapar. Obviously, it will fail, as Carapar is so amazing he CAN believe it’s not- PR: CUUUUTTTTT!!!!!!! Why do you people have to praise Carapar EVERY 5 SECONDS?!?!?!? Carapar: cause I’m amazing. Continue the story. Takadox spoke again, “yeah. Anyway, we won’t kill Carapar. Then there will be some revolts, a couple equipment malfunctions, but then.... OUR TRAITOR WILL STRIKE!!” “Who’s the traitor?” asked Hammox. “We can’t say!” barked Ehlek, who was eating something, “it would completely ruin the dramatic tension of the story!” Takadox continued “Then our REAL army will be flown in, accompanied by imperial sarda- I mean bohrok.” Hammox was gaping in shock at the great magnitude of the amazing plan worthy of Carapar. “So then we’ll control Duneonicle again, right?” he said, to which Ehlek replied evilly’ “Yes, yes we will. MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!” *dramatic music plays* PR: thank Mata Nui. Next up, get ready SL and Osram. You two are up. SL: Yayz! -Chapter end- What will Osram’s character be? Will Ehlek’s plan work? WHEN THE HECK WILL THIS STORY MAKE SENSE!?!?!?!? Find out next time in....... Duneonicle. Chapter 4 It was Carapar’s last day in his castle on uhhhhhh….. Caladan nui (I deny it all). Naturally, he would spend the day fighting. But before he could fight he had to READ!!!!!! Not even a picture book, but a WORD BOOK!!!! Drooling, foaming at the mouth, and twitching, Carapar passed out. Luckily for him, his chief spy SL and battle planner Osram came in at a very convenient time, and revived him. Angry, Carapar kicked the book so hard it went back in time and caused the great cata- PR: CUT!!!!!! Seriously, will you people STOP THE CHUCK NORRIS REFERENCES!?!?!? SL: (On computer, whispering to Carapar) when Carapar donates blood, he uses a cordak blaster and a bucket. Osram: Oh, pipe down. Get back to the story. Anyway, SL yelled at Carapar, saying, “Fool! You were reading with your back to a door.” Carapar scoffed and said, “I wasn’t reading, I was pretending to read in order to surprise you. Then I pretended to faint.” SL considered this and said, “With your mother training you, you could be telling the truth.” Osram rolled his eyes, and said, “Okay, crab boy, are you ready to fight me, an old man?” Carapar went into his closet, dug around through his costumes, and came out wearing a Carapar mask, and said, “GET IT ON, OSRAM!!!!” Now, one would expect Carapar to immediately delete Osram from existence. However, Osram wore a shield, which prevented fast attacks from hitting him. Even with the shield, it took 4.6 seconds for Carapar to beat Osram into orange juice pulp. Disgusted, Osram yelled,”4.6 seconds?!?!? Normally, it takes 4.5.” Carapar said, “Hey, I wanted to cut an old man some slack.” “Well don’t!” yelled Osram. “Now guard yourself for real!” Osram rose, and pulled out a bigger sword, and started to attack Carapar. Now, Carapar would normally just destroy any challenger with rage, but the story said that he had to let Osram win for a little- PR: CUT!!!!! SORRY!!! Jeez, what’s that guy’s problem? Anyway, Carapar saw Osram charge at him with a big sword and a knife. He “thought” Osram wouldn’t betray us, would he? Fighting, Carapar grabbed a knife and put it to Osram’s neck, saying, “You want to die, Foo?” Osram said to him, “Look down.” Carapar did, and saw Osram holding a giant axe to his stomach. Osram giggled strangely, and said, “We have joined each other in death. But you fought better when you were in the mood, didn’t you?” Carapar nodded, quite confused as to what had just happened. Several awkward minutes passed, and the Carapar remembered what to say. He looked at Osram’s pink tie, given to him when he was a slave for the evil House Barrakonon. Carapar realized that Osram could never betray them, for he hated the Barraki too much. He then turned around and begun to demolish some training dummies. PR: And that’s a wrap people. Take five days. I really don’t want to see you people for a while. -Chapter end- Will we ever get to Dunonicle? Will we ever have Carapar kill some Barraki? What will happen in the next chapter? Find out next time on…. Dunonicle…………………………….. AN: that’s way too many periods. Chapter $5$ So Carapar was playing rock paper scissors against himself and winning every time when Dr. Mutran moonwalked into the room. Dr. Mutran was a recent addition to the household, and had been hired to repair the grievous wounds given by Carapar to all of his training opponents. Unfortunately for Mutran, because of his bizarre training rituals, he was unable to hurt people, meaning he was normally the one who was hurt because of his unwillingness to fight back. Poor guy. So Mutran walked in and pulled out a boom box, which blared out AC/DC on full blast wh- PR: CUT!!!! AN: Actually, that’s in the script we were given. PR: Oh. Well, carry on. -ile he began to teach Carapar about Dunonicle. “On the world we are about to go to, there are gigantic Kraata which ooze over the ground. If you see one, it will eat you. If you are driving a tank, it will eat you. If you are anything smaller than an aircraft carrier, it will eat you. Also, there are copious amounts of random toa that live in the desert. “Dessert?” Interrupted Carapar, always interested in ice cream. “No, DESERT, as in a dry sandy place with no water. Anyway, if you meet them, they will kill you and eat you.” “HEY!” Screamed Weapon, “That’s slander. We only drink out your fluids like a spider.” PR: CUT! Weapon, you show up in like 500 chapters from now. Hammox: Oh, and the only thing you can do is whine about it? Suck it up. PR: You’re fired. Someone, find a new Feyd. Continue. Right. Anyway, Mutran then went into his backpack and pulled out an old copy of Da Book O’ Stuff, which listed the greatness of Mata Nui and other things that really don’t matter right now but will become essential when Carapar begins his conquest of th- Random reader: Hey! No spoilers. Jeez sorry. What, do you think we even carte about the readers at this point? I mean, only two people are reading this right now and they’re both admins looking for stuff that would allow them to ban Frezon an- PR: CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! Alright, fine. Anyway, Mutran gave Da Book to Carapar. “This was given to me when I was your age. It’s relly old, so don’t break it” as Carapar ripped out a page. “Yeah…. Ok, to open it, you press the side of the book because we say screw logic in this world.” “Cool,” said Carapar, picking it up. “well, sounds good dr. now its time for me to teach you…” Dr. Mutran sighed, and put on his padded armor. *chapter end* AN: Thank the lord. Let’s get out of here, I have stuff to do. Is Dunonicle really that bad? Who is the traitor? What is the cube root of pie? Stay tuned and find out in… Dunonicle…..
  5. Day 14 Solek: Wait a second PR: I know, don’t mention it. SL: What? Did I do something illegal again? Or rather, did they catch me doing something illegal? Carapar: No silly, Frezon skipped a day, so it’s day 14 instead of day 1- Lord Frezon: OK THAT’S ENOUGH. I’m highly superstitious, so there will be none of that number in here. Osram: That’s pretty stupid, even by our standards. The only one who should be superstitious in here is Kirop, and even then he should know his life is forfeit if he ever speaks, so it’s not even a superstition, just a fact of his life. Kirop: Yeah, I’ve had to live with it. Weapon: You mean die with it. (Summons army of manas who messily devour Kirop) AN: Really? We’re still doing the same formulaic jokes? Osram talks philosophical, Leech commits crimes, and Weapon kills Kirop. Maybe this is why we have no views. Solek: More like Frezon is just a mess. Much like Jeb. AN: There it is again! Solek is rude, and I’m the sole voice of reason. Like, do any of us even have free will? *Existential silence* Ehlek: Huh. Solek: I mean… I can be nice probably… maybe… Carapar: I have free will… I think… Aren’t I the god of this comedy? PR: Or maybe that’s just your place. This is slightly concerning. SL: I don’t understand why you guys have a problem with this, I made peace with my lack of free will a while ago. I just act on my sociopathic and schizophrenic tendencies. Hammox: The issue with that is we aren’t nutcases like you are, and actually think about our actions, albeit briefly in some of our cases. AN: Exactly. But what if we aren’t really? What if our whole existence is just written in by some higher power, and we actually have no say in things? What if Frezon actually does control our every move and action, and even this conversation is being written in to stimulate cheap laughs at serious philosophical issues? Lord Frezon: This is getting kinda awkward guys, you should go back to killing Kirop. Carapar: Frezon, did you lie to me when you granted me absolute power over this comedy? Are you really writing over our actual personalities for your sick desires? Lord Frezon: Uhhhh… I’ll be right back. (Teleports back to Authorverse) Weapon: Typical of him. Alright, I know we already killed him in this comedy, but I say we kill him again. If we can actually remove his hold on our reality, we can alter the rules of our universe due to the previously mentioned Necromonger rules of keeping what we kill. AN: I guess that’s as good a plan as any. *Shocked silence* Solek: Woah, you’re actually promoting violence for once? AN: I have to do things that run contrary to my character, and this idea might actually work, so let’s do it. Vican: I’ll join up. Might be a good way to finally stop the torment of existence. SL: And obviously I’m in. I might be the one that kills Frezon, and get to rule all of reality again. UR: And I still exist. Osram: Oh yeah, I had forgotten about you. Honestly, you should be the one to kill Frezon since he dislikes your character the most. Carapar: Then it’s decided. We ride to Gondor. *Commercial Break* Will the news freaks kill me? (not likely) Do they actually have free will? (probably not) Is this the start of coherent plot? (no) Find out next time on… BIONICLE NEWS!!!
  6. Day 12 SL: So, none of us exist? Ehlek: Apparently so. Ever since we kicked out all the original toa and Teridax, they must have gotten mad and decided to make a new universe, with blackjack and- AN: ALRIGHT we get the picture. PR: More importantly, how will this affect our viewership? Because I need a paycheck to keep this going, I’m not a charity. Lord Frezon: Actually you seem to have forgotten you’re all primarily Carapar’s slaves, but also my slaves. So you don’t get paid. SL: Dude, that’s like against the 33rd amendment or something. I should sue. Ehlek: I think you mean the 13th. SL: No, the 33rd. It’s the 13th in America, but in our universe it’s the 33rd. Solek: Let me check this… (flips through Bionicle Constitution) Oh. What do you know. The leech was right for once. AN: The leech is right a depressingly large amount of the time. Carapar: But what are we going to do about our whole universe not existing anymore? Weapon: What we do best, buddy. Threaten and bluster until we get our way. Or at least we’ll threaten. Everyone else will bluster, for they lack our all-consuming power.’ Hammox: whoa whoa buddy, you’re not the only one with weapons of mass destruction. Osram: Yeah, Iraq has them too. Hammox: I’ve got myself multiple augmented exo-toa that I’ve been waiting to test out on unsuspecting civvies, but using them on someone we can threaten to get our universe back sounds like a valid use. Kirop: Well, at least they’re not being used on me. Weapon: Bad news buddy, we need to make sure everything is operational. (Blasts Kirop with staff set to max power, disintegrates him, then atomizes the ashes) AN: Can we PLEASE keep the violence to a minimum? We’re already toeing the line of PG-13. Lord Frezon uses way too much dark humor. Lord Frezon: These *REDACTED* mods won’t take away my proto, they’re a bunch of *REDACTED* (Lord Frezon’s proto reduced by 50. Taunt us more little man) Ehlek: Haha get banned n00b. AN: Stop laughing, if he gets banned we lose our tenuous hold on reality, and more importantly, our paychecks. So we need to ensure that our reality remains anchored to the new Bionicle reality in whatever way possible. Solek: I don’t like where this is going. PR: Face it Solek, we need a new character. SL: Like, a new character from the new Bionicle? This is gonna be fun! Vican: New things are terrible. Much like life itself. Osram: Dude, you really need to chill out. Solek: So, who’s it gonna be? More importantly, who the ^&*#$@ are these characters? I haven’t been paying attention at all. Lord Frezon: Woah woah woah! We’re not having any more cheap knockoff characters in my amazing comedy. I built this around a core group of characters- Ehlek: Who you mainly killed off. Lord Frezon: Irrelevant! I only include characters I like. Along with those Carapar wants. Carapar: And I want new buddies. PR: That’s settled then. We’re having tryouts. -Commercial Break- Who will be the unlucky character selected for this terrible comedy? Why have I wrote this for over 8 years now? How will I kill Kirop next time? Find out in the next thrilling episode of… DRAGON BIONICLE NEWS Z!!!!! Now sponsored by Android. Gravemind: Bigger sellout.
  7. Day 11 Solek: Darn it I was just getting used to my pension. AN: Well we’ve been called out of retirement. Frezon has a paper to write and obviously he doesn’t want to do it so we have to get back on TV and tell the news, or spew randomness, or whatever it is we do these days. SL: We’ve been on TV? Good lord, I thought the FCC had some say over us, aren’t we supposed to at least have a rating of some sort? Gravemind: Actually that’s a common misunderstanding, the FCC doesn’t actually limit what can be said as long as you’re on a non-public station, so we could be completely nude telling the news and no one would care. SL: I am completely nude. Ehlek: Awkward… PR: You’re telling me. Look guys, I know we’ve been free for a while, but Frezon pays good money for our suffering so come on out of your holes and tell the news with us. Frezon: That’s LORD Frezon now, I changed my name. Carapar: You can change your name all you want, I still rule over this godforsaken husk of a realm, observing the crawling insects in the dir-oh wait, I’m supposed to be stupid in this comedy. Anyone have pizza? Ignore that previous stuff, it’ll make your head hurt like it made mine. UR: Really? It looks pretty sus- *previous minute removed from everyone’s head* Everyone: Woah, how’d I get here Weapon: Oh yeah, I had forgotten he was a character Frezon brought in from time to time to make that terrible joke. *Previous minute thirty removed from every single being’s mind* Lord Frezon: That’s LORD Frez- oh it already got added to my speech tag. Cool. CM: Yep, it’s showing up on screen. Anyway, can we get some mindless violence up in this place? The reviews are tanking because only old people watch the news these days, you need excitement to bring in the youth. Solek: Good point, KIROP WE NEED YOU! Kirop: What is it? Are you going to brutally murder me again? Solek: No, I’m not. Weapon will though. Weapon: Haven’t used my staff in a while (vaporizes Kirop, reforms him, and vaporizes him again) Ahhhhh good times. Ehlek: I still can’t believe how short 300 words is. Is that even still a rule around here? Lord Frezon: Don’t know, don’t care. I’m not risking getting banned 8 years after I started my service here. Osram: Yeah, that would be a REAL shame (rolls eyes) Hammox: It’s good to know we’re still characters though, buddy. I was worried we were the ones Frezon was going to kill. SL: Oh you just HAD to bring that up, didn’t you? I’m at the top of the chopping block buddy, he’s tried it before; he’ll try it again. Lord Frezon: Actually I killed Vican already, he was killing our ratings. Solek: Yeah, that was what killed the ratings, I’m sure. Vican: I’m still alive though. Sadly. Though I read this great author name Nietzsche, let me tell- Carapar: nononononono I tried reading him once and my brain exploded. Ehlek: Yeah, and we actually have news for once. Our universe got retconned. -Commercial Break- Was this chapter actually funny? (no lol) Will I actually respect continuity? (lolol no) Will I post more chapters? (Sadly, most likely) Find out next time on… BIONiCLE NEWS!!!!! Now sponsored by Apple Gravemind: Sellout.
  8. Jet beams can't melt steel fuel

  9. Day 10 Solek: Look who decided to show up. SL: Me? I’m always here, watching you. Every move you make, every breath you take… Solek: No, our glorious deceased author, Frezon. Apparently he got bored of watching anime and decided to read some fanfics. Horrified at the blatant sexualization of beloved characters and cringing at the terrible writing, he decided to come back here and write us some chapters, ignoring the blatant hypocrisy contained in the action. Carapar: I didn’t read any of that. Way too long. Make me a TL;DR please. AN: Basically what he said is that we’ve been brought out of limbo by Frezon to perform as his puppets once more. PR: Which means we need everyone to get back in their places. Frezon’s dismembered body doesn’t take kindly to randomness anymore, ever since the great fiasco of October ’13… Ehlek: Ooo, what happened then? Gravemind: Beats me. I didn’t even think I was an actual character until this line. Frezon: Yeah, neither did I. Well, I’m still going to kill one of you off soon. Solek: Really? Do you remember what happened the last time you killed someone off? Vican: They died a horrible painful death that led to them not going to any sort of afterlife because existence is meaningless? SL: Wow, that was a downer statement. No, the last person Frezon killed was me in another comedy, and I just came back as a ghost and took over the universe. Frezon: And then you all killed me in revenge. CM: Well, you kinda deserve it. AN: Listen idiots, our ratings are terrible, mainly because of Vican and the fact that we’re never on air, but also because we never tell the &*%$(^& news. Weapon: I’ve never told the news in my entire life. To be honest, I’m not actually sure why I’m here. Kirop: Yeah, same here. Am I only good for a comedic relief character that dies a lot? Carapar: No, no, nooo… yeah (Kirop dragged out of the studio by a horde of flood infested Hero Factory guys). Ehlek: Listen guys, I’m the news anchor and all of you are first Carapar's slaves, but then mine. Solek: Yeah, not happening loser. You might be able to trick idiots like UR into listening to you- UR: Hey that’s mean. Solek: -but the rest of us are only in this because Frezon decided at one time to toss us into this comedy because he thought it would be funny. And now he can’t get us out. Frezon: Actually I can kill you off (with Carapar’s permission). If I do that, thanks to the Necromonger rules I put in here I get your place because you keep what you kill. Gravemind: I can attest to that. I get the memories of all those posers I absorb into my collective. Also, Frezon, dude, you really don’t know how to write hipsters. SL: Seriously man. But I see 2 flaws in your logic Frezon: first, we kill Kirop daily and none of us suck. And second, I killed you and didn’t get any of your powers. Or maybe I did and my lack of any sort of functioning reason prohibits me from using them. Huh. Carapar: He never had any powers to begin with silly. UR: IN SPORTS TODAY I PLAYED SOME BADMITON VERSUS THE BAHRAG QUEENS. AN: Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but good work keeping us on track UR. Solek: Why bother staying on track? Frezon doesn’t even know what “track” we were supposed to be on. Seriously, Vican might have the right idea here, our reality sure is pointless. Vican: Told you so. Life is naught but pain. I know it best. Ehlek: Well this got depressing fast. *Commercial Break* Will the show descend in sadness? Will Vican reign supreme? Is this updating thing going to be a regular occurrence? Find out next time on…. BIONICLE NEWS!!!!
  10. That line would make sense if you read Solek's story part 1. Essentially Solek said it because in a lot of movies the sidekick dies and it's super emotional, but here Solek doesn't care about Kirop, so he just said it because it's expected of the hero to mourn his buddies that die in battle. But yeah, keep reviewing, though it will probably be in another thread because I'm writing part 3 in another thread...eventually...
  11. Thanks for the review. Points taken. Chapter 4 (aka the last chapter) “Muahahahahahah!” laughed the leech as he ascended towards his blimp, mace curled in his… tail? I really need to work these details out before I start writing… “Oh Solek, I almost feel sorry for you. Almost!” “Ok, what the *15 curse words, all censored by moderators* is going on here?” Osram asked, annoyed at his censorship and the apparent time paradox that had been created. “It’s very simple Osram,” the leech responded. “I easily found out about Solek’s plan because I put a bug on him before I escaped from the last epic battle that never happened. Then, I stole the TARDIS and went back to my college years, where I arrived 15 minutes ago, enough time to raise an army, buy my own private blimp, and kill my past self and take his place. Well, I really only wanted to make out with him but things got carried away.” “You are literally the most psychotic being on the planet,” Solek said, “You couldn’t even stop yourself from killing yourself.” “True,” the leech admitted as the elevator finally reached his blimp, “But it was too good an opportunity to pass up!” “So, now what?” Solek asked “Now, you and I have a fight to the death to determine the fate of the universe while our armies who really hold the key to the universe clash uselessly.” “Sounds cool!” Kirop said excitedly, grabbing a machete and running carelessly into battle, where he was slaughtered instantly by an Elite with an energy sword. “Oh, no, please, help him someone blah blah,” Solek muttered by rote as he rose toward the leech’s balloon on a solid light escalator. “Wait a second,” Osram said, “That’s the exact same passage that happened before the last epic battle. Did Frezon really just copy and paste that into this story?” “That must be the time paradox beginning to destroy the universe,” the Leech said nonchalantly. “These things tend to happen near temporal ruptures.” “There has to be a way to repair the universe somehow!” Solek yelled, back on the ground next to the (surprisingly) still living Kirop. “Oh there is,” Shadow Leech said happily, “But you won’t like it.” “What is it? Just tell me!” “IT IS IRRELEVANT” roared a voice with caps lock on from behind the rubble of Steve the Mind Ship. “Oh great, who is this now,” muttered Solek, turning around to see Carapar and Weapon, both wearing elaborate robes, armor, and masks and carrying Forerunner Suppressors. “Our time is ascendant!” yelled Weapon raising his unarmed-arm and clenching his fist. “Our long years of hiding are finished and we shall rise as rulers of this universe!” “Wait, you guys can speak English?” Kirop asked, confused. “And what about the temporal parathingie that Solek was talking about?” “Temporal paradoxes will do nothing to halt our ascendancy!” Carapar roared, as he and Weapon began to levitate. “We will mold your decaying husk of a universe into a new model that shall satisfy our needs before we wage war throughout all of existence.” “Woah dudes,” Shadow Leech said, looking rather offended, “I’m pretty sure that, like, violates Geneva or something.” “Forget them!” yelled Solek, “Just tell me how I can stop the universe from crumbling!” “Very well. You’ll have to allow me to live and take my recently deceased self’s place so I can live out my life in peace. Then you will have to go back to when you decided to time travel back and stop yourself from doing that. The addition of those two temporal paradoxes should ensure that the universe is all paradoxed out and will continue as normal.” “That makes literally no sense,” remarked Osram as dark storm clouds formed and beams of time energy began to eradicate the world around them. “Fine, whatever, just get me my Vahi and I’ll go back to my time and do all that stuff. Let’s hurry guys!” Solek turned to run back to Steve the Mind Ship before Carapar interrupted him. “Your Vahi? Do you mean- this?” with a dramatic flourish and a cloud of doves, Carapar pulled the Vahi out of his sleeve and held it in front of him. “Yeah, more or less, that. Can I have it back?” “Oh, I think not!” With that, Carapar summoned one red mana and Crushed the Vani in his claw causing the universe to morph into an enormous temporal drain, which the universe into a point the size of a needle, forming an enormous black hole which began to destroy the rest of existence. “I always love it when this happens!” the Leech said milliseconds before he and everything else was annihilated. To be continued….. In part 3….
  12. [/b]http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=2509]Solek's Story Part 2[/url] Author: Me Status of your comedy: Almost Finished. Chapters to be reviewed: All 3 of them
  13. Day ( PR: Frezon, you hit the shift key too much. That should be 9, not opening parentheses. Ehlek: Does that even matter?!? The flood are taking over our universe, killing and zombifying everyone in sight! AN: Well, we’ve barricaded the doors so they can’t get in here. Carapar: Flood? Awww, those guys are so cute. Here, you should play with them. (opens box of Flood, they begin to attack) Hammox: *High pitched scream* RUN FOR YOUR LIVES1!! *everyone barricades himself in the broom cupboard, locking out the news team* Solek: Oh, thanks everyone for taking our only way of survival. Hammox: Ok, we need to fight the flood off. So I’ve designed DMR’s which we can use to kill these parasites.(hands out weapons while Flood coalesce) Weapon: This isn’t too shabby. I guess I can lower myself to using it. Vican: (Still moping) In weather, there are showers of slime throughout the studio from the recently created Gravemind. Gravemind: man, I really need a shower. So, how’s life? AN: You’re kidding right? Frezon can’t hate us that much. Frezon’s Ghost: Hey, you killed me. Solek: well, technically, the leech killed you. We just were plotting your demise. Speaking of which, where is that parasite? Gravemind: Hey, parasite is an offensive term. We prefer “people who rely on the unwilling generosity of others.” SL: Hey, I see you’ve met my old friends, G-man. Ehlek: You’re friends with this thing?!? Gravemind: That’s not nice either. (wraps tentacle around Ehlek, misses, crushes BZP server) SL: Well, they’ll probably fix that soon *4 months later* Solek: WHAT THE #^$^*^?!?!?!? 4 MONTHS?!?!? Gravemind: oops. My bad. Didn’t think that would take so long. Solek: well, the lovely readers at bzp were denied 4 months of me, so I need to get my face out there more (teleports into alternate comedy reality) SL: Well, since he’s gone… I AM INVINICIBLE!!!!!! (gets squished by Ehlek yet again) Come on! Gravemind: hey, that’s not very nice. Stepping on people is very insulting. Hammox: This guy is gonna get on our nerves. So, any news up? UR: Well, in sports, the Po-Metru Avengers were crushed by the Nynrah Ghosts in a recent football game. Literally. Unfortunately for the ghosts, they took so long building the crushing machine they lost, 49 to 7. Ehlek: thanks for that UR. Now Vican, I hear we are getting some rain later tonight? Vican: No. Global warming has caused a massive drought and we’re all going to die of dehydration. Life is meaningless. CM: Vican, you need to become happier. You’re killing our ratings. Weapon: Seriously bro. Get on some antidepressants or something. Gravemind: Woah, I am appalled at your approval of the use of drugs. They’re, like, so mainstream. AN: Are you a hipster now? A minute ago you were just insulted by everything. Gravemind: Hey, Frezon stopped writing this comedy for over a year, there’s bound to be some characters that he forgot to develop that he needs to completely change. Frezon’s Ghost: Yeah, and on the topic, I need to kill some of you off. -Commercial Break- Who will Frezon kill? Where did Solek go (hint: Look up “Solek’s Story”) Is the Gravemind really a hipster? Find out next time on… Bionicle news!!!!
  14. Chapter 3 The Mind Ship, recently named Steve due to a bizarre temporal anomaly, plummeted through the atmosphere of Sphereus Magna. Solek held the steering wheel with a vise grip, screaming like a banshee and causing the ears of everyone on the ship to bleed profusely. The ship continued to drop like a stone, then hit the ground with a sickeni- “Solek!” yelled Professor Song. “Uh, yes, the cube of two sides of a right triangle is equal to the ninth power of the third. “Correct. I won’t have to let the Giant Shark eat you.” “awwwww…” muttered Giant Shark, swimming away through the air. Solek breathed easier. Dr. Song was known for being a complete psychopath, so escaping her class was a feat. He walked out whistling, when he saw his roommate, Shadow Leech “Yo, wassup man???” Solek yelled happily. He and the leech did their secret handshake, a difficult procedure due to the leech’s lack of hands. “Not much bro, just heading down to that pyramid off campus. Apparently they’ve got some Silence trapped in cages.” “Sounds sweet bro! See you tonight in the room!” Solek walked off, whistling, only to be confronted by this nerdy kid, Osram. “Move it dork, I’m on my way to be cool,” Solek said. “Do you even have a clue as to what’s happening?” Osram asked, sounding very rude and condescending; both of which were offenses severe enough to warrant Solek shoving his head into a vat of molten protodermis. Then, he couldn’t believe his luck. The most popular guy in school was walking straight toward him, surrounded by his harem of chicks. It was Solek’s big break. He could finally get into the big leagues and start hooking up with someone other than Gavla. “Hey there Kirop, the awesome, how are you doing today?” Solek asked, kowtowing before his Sensei in awesome. “Solek, something weird is happening” Kirop said nervously as the girls around him giggled. “Everyone seems to think I’m some sort of “Stud” and is asking me for tips on how to be popular.” “Well, yeah, they would because you are the epitome of all that is awesome, the all mighty and the immortal Kirop.” Solek hoped that his complements and groveling would finally allow him to ascend to a higher social caste, and figured that Kirop’s uncertainty was a test that he had to pass. “I don’t know Solek. I’m gonna ask Osram what’s up” “Oh, I dunked that loser in molten protodermis. You can read all about it above.” “Whaaaaaat?!?!? Poor Osram!” Kirop began to cry like a banshee, warping Solek’s mind back to the real world, where he and the rest of the crew were in the Mind Ship, recently Realatorized and sent back in time to the Leech’s world. Unfortunately for the crew, they were in the crashed remains of the Mind Ship, and Carapar and Weapon were nowhere to be seen. “Well, that sucked”, muttered Solek, brushing shards of Dalek armor off his body. “Well, we made it boys!” “Yeah, and we’re trapped here unless we find another time machine.” Osram’s bag of money had not been Realatorized, and thus he was even more depressed then normal. “Don’t worry. Once we kill the Leech we can live our lives and make millions playing the lottery.” “Kill the leech?” asked Shadow Leech, who was hovering behind our heroes eating nachos, “Oh, you wanted to kill my past self, didn’t you?” “Kinda, yeah,” Solek admitted, stalling for time as he tried to figure out how the heck the Leech had followed them back in time. “Well you’re too late! Because I killed him already!” To be continued…
  15. Chapter 2 Solek was standing on the deck of the Mind-Ship that was traversing the deeps of Frezon’s mind. They were looking through his memories, attempting to find a time machine. But currently, there was nothing. Sure, they had found a sonic screwdriver, one of those Inception dream machines, and some guy named Drool, but no time machines. Luckily, this Drool guy was pretty smart, albeit slightly psychotic, but you couldn’t have it all, so he had joined the crew. Though he claimed to be a shapeshifter capable of transforming into any being imaginable, he was currently in the form of a morbidly obese hippo, leaving many doubts on his prowess in shapeshifting. “Boss!!!! Boss!!! I see- wait, no, that’s just a mech-suit, not a Delorean.” Kirop was another lookout, and he was pretty useless at it. He had been responsible for finding about 27 pairs of shoes, none of which were time machine shoes, and all of which smelled really bad. “We’re wasting our time. There are no time machines in here.” Osram was the other lookout, and so far he had been quite the pessimist. Unknown to the rest of the crew, he had found several billion dollars in a briefcase, and was hoping he survived so he could spend it on all the pointless desires of cruel life, which would only increase his sufferin- hey, Buddhist monks, get out of my head. So yeah. Meanwhile, below deck, Carapar and Weapon were conversing in their secret tongue of Chaksoba showing intelligence never displayed before. Luckily for their street cred, much of Chaksoba sounded like grunts and incomprehensible noises, so they still sounded like brainless thugs. “This game tires me Carapar,” muttered Weapon, “When can we strike back and break out of the control of these swine?” “Patience, Weapon.” Carapar adjusted the levels on the Dial of Despair. “Soon, our trap will be sprung and we shall ascend as masters of this universe.” “EXTERMINATE!” said the Dalek who was also chilling in the cockpit. No real reason why he was here, just cuz. Solek was beginning to give into Osram's despair. There had been no sign of a time machine for weeks in here. True, it was only a matter of minutes on the outside world, and even if it took too long they could always use the time machine and go back, but still, the Mind of Frezon was so vast and… weird, it was essentially impossible to navigate with any success. Then, Solek saw it. A Vahi, the Legendary Artifact- Equipment of time! Shouting and fist pumping, Solek grabbed and equipped it, as it was apparently some trans-dimensional Vahi that had some of its rules replaced by Magic the Gathering. Grabbing his megaphone, he yelled “Attention crew! I’ve found a time machine. Prepare yourselves for trans dimensional travel.” With that he ran down to the cabin, finding Carapar and Weapon currently AWOL and tons of red wires draped over the rather peeved Dalek. “Well, this is obnoxious,” Solek muttered. He jumped and flipped his way to the Time Energy Extrapolato-thingy, dodging the random death beams of the Dalek, then unequipped the Vahi and equipped it to the thingy. There was a humming noise, and the ship ripped out of Frezon’s brain and back into their universe, releasing a massive charge of electric energy which left Frezon twitching on the floor in agony. But who cares about him. Meanwhile in the past, Shadow Leech was busy putting the finishing touches on his awesome party. He had hired Rage Against the Machine to come and play for him, had stocked up on volatile organic chemicals, and had a lot of pizza. It was only 15 minutes until he opened his doors to the rest of the institute, and enacted his final grand master plan. He steepled his flippers, waiting patiently. Soon, all would be complete!!!!
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