Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

Sounds like a fun time. I have a sea of LEGO pieces on my floor I've been planning to sort--but maybe, instead, I should let a little imagination run wild. . . . (Thing is, I let my imagination run in words, where you're not limited by your materials. XD) You speak the truth about your writing building, Tekulo. Stay wise, wise old man with a persistent, obsessive fastidiousness in tending his lawn. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Gossip! It is great fun, isn't it? It's entirely different from writing alone. Alone, there's no explanation between your thoughts and the writing, and the words get to speak for themselves. In collaboration, you have to speak for the words before they're even formed and coalesce your ideas with those of others. It compels your thought processes to follow channels more organized than those most writers tread. XD Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

A great misfortune has this day afflicted the world. I think we can all agree that there is nothing to do in the face of such woe as this but to lament affectionately and honor the deceased. On this day has taken leave of the mortal world one arachnid by the name of Theodore; that's right, that aforementioned spider, one of the insect kingdom's wisest of creatures, one of the most misunderstood forms of life, and one of the most tragic losses to befall this planet. But let us bow to his valiance. His death was not in vain. In a bitter battle to the death, wise, good, noble Theodore protected his homestead, his humble web, from a merciless intruder. The enemy spider's attempts were vanquished, as proved by the mangled, inert body ensnarled in the tattered strands of silk. Theodore managed in his last moments to inject a fatal venom into the fragile form of his combatant, but in the ensuing struggle he received a taste of the invader's own fangs. Our hero slipped and plunged to the end of his rope, where he hung helplessly until the virulent toxins overcame him, too. All that remains now is a damaged battlefield, two bodies. We can but pay our final respects to Theodore and honor his virtuous end. Let us have a moment of silence. . . . . . . . . . . R.I.P. Theodore 2012-2012 He strung the world together Sincerely, Nuile

(I'm forgetful. She can be Frivolous Four, then, I'm not picky. XP Although I wouldn't mind dropping the alliteration. I thought they were all supposed to be that way, but I think it would sound a lot better if only a few were. XD) I like Arix or Ariz. It has that smooth start and harsh finish you wanted. I'll suggest Arinax, too, or Arinagg. The tournament should be once in a decade, if not in a century. Biomechanical beings live a looooong time. It can be a little inconvenient, sometimes. As for being appointed by officials, it doesn't feel quite right amidst the corruption of Matero. I would think the Eight handpick their players. That sounds good to me. (Foolish map-maker, skipping this town is not so easy. . . . Only, I'm not sure how we could work that in first person.) I love the idea of a disqualified team running amok on the field. It's chaos . . . it's Calvinball! It might need some editing by the time all details are decided, and I certainly want to punch it up a bit before Personally I'm not for the omniscient style that you seem to want; it may have more of a BIONICLE vibe and it would no doubt be useful in establishing our world, but we want to tell a story here, not to tell a world. "All" person would overcomplicate things. I think first person, besides its characteristics that endear me, will keep the tale on track better. I know it's a bit awkward here in the prologue, but I'll do what I can to improve it. I'm sure it will work better in the meat of the story. Of course, the problem with first person is that the character needs a reason to be telling the story; but we can explain that when it comes to the mental battle. Maybe Zaktan's dying and his life is flashing before his eyes, which gives Karattru entrance into his mind, to see scenes such as this. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Words are everything, Tekulo! Don't underestimate the thrill, the excitement, the drama of dialogue! But I don't see why we can't do both. Now--I think you're going a little far, there, but I like the idea. I agree; Karattru should face them, and at least one should die over the course of the story. (Personally I don't blame Greg. He's had many successes and failures, and considering all the influence LEGO had over the minutest little thing he did, I can't say how good he could be as a writer.) Okay, my Toa Atero: Nilam, Toa of Magnetism, current leader of the Atero Eight. Nickname "Tactical Two." A tall mass of thews and sinews, his eyes in a perpetual squint. Cold and calculating. A very bland and bitter Toa, with little personality or expression. He's gruff but never harsh unless he needs to be, with a strong sense of practicality. He doesn't punish or rebuke unfairly, but when you get on his bad side you had better watch out. Wears a Great Arthron *. Armed with boomerangs. In battle or on the field he has the name "tactical" for a reason. His moves are always calculated swiftly and with little room for error, never without effective purpose. Sofita, Toa of Psionics, a ditsy, light-headed sort. "Frivolous Five." Your stereotypical "blonde." But beneath her stupid exterior lies a shrewd, piercing mind. She has far more wits about her than even her teammates realize. Wears, fittingly, a Great Akaku. Wields dual flails. Whether fighting or sporting her actions may appear sporadic and haphazard, but there is a method to her every madness. Some credit her past victories to "dumb luck." But there's nothing dumb or lucky about her deceptively contrived stratagems. * Although, if I gave him a Great Mask of Mutation, and Zaktan found a way to control Nilam, this would be a much safer way for him to merge himself with the mask than the EP. Alternatively, it would be great fun to bring Vezon back with an alternate universe Spear of Fusion . . . if we could do it in a way that wasn't ridiculously random. However, none of this would be nearly as fun as Zaktan and Karattru plunging into the planet's core, having a mental battle, and Karattru emerging victorious. By the way, in a rush of excitement I went ahead and wrote a prologue. It's locked away in a secret location that you'll never find . . . in other words, the spoiler tags in the entry. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

My vision was of the three of them standing in blackness and talking. It gives me a sort of Kingdom Hearts vibe. How exactly that would end, I'm not sure; but that kind of good versus evil profound banter scene is the kind of writing I live for. XD Yeah, Karattru would only mutate at or near the end, around the time they defeat Zaktan. The Atero Eight could even be dead then to make it easier for him to take charge; or he could challenge them to a sport game on a suggestive cliffhanger; or we could otherwise figure out a way for him to come out on top in Matero. If anything that would, I think, only be a passing mention, unless we did bring Tahu back into the story. (And, wow, really, he has all the Rahkshi powers? So he's a Makuta now? I didn't think it was possible for the lamest Toa ever to get that much more lame. . . .) Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Well, we could have him mutate another way. Maybe he merges with the Energized Protodermis itself? I'm all for him trying to make a Great Being out of himself, only I'm not sure how he could go about that. What could we do to give him such power? Hey, maybe something that involves the mask. Then we have reason for Zaktan to be against Karattru, and not just a one-sided rivalry. Here's a suggestion, although I'm not personally very fond of it. I could see Zaktan, Karattru and the Mask falling into the EP together; then we have that "in the mind" battle I'm really eager for; Zaktan wins and merges with the Mask while Karattru becomes a Toa; they battle physically, but then Mata Nui--because he's actually one with Zaktan, far more so than he had been with Karattru--kills Zaktan from the inside. As for Silent Six, I've heard the term "cold as steel" or "heart of steel," and so Iron would suit him as well as Ice, I think; but I don't care, it's your choice. I have a name and basic character for the leader and my other Toa, but I still have a little more thought to give them. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Assigned to Nuile. Thank you for choosing the SSCC. =]Reviewed, and please come again, Mr. X-Ray, sir.From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

We start out with a room. Now, one of the best ways to bring a reader right into the world you're writing is with a description. But it's also one of the slowest ways. What you did very well there in your first sentence was add character; you gave us a bit of inner dialogue and a little flavorful wording that made it sound like speech, but not too much. What you could have done better was choosing what to describe. This boring little room tells us nothing about where we are, and as I noted, it's boring. A Vulcanusian sunset would have been nice, or even just a view of the city from the window. But before long you bring us into a Spherus Magna recovering from the battle between Mata Nui and Teridax, introduce us to our protagonist, Dume, and then surprise us by taking us in an unexpected direction. Now, that's not a bad thing, by any means. Only, the parts of the story I most enjoyed were the beginning and end; in the former we have an exciting world in front of our eyes and the thoughts and doubts of an Old Turaga, while in the latter we have Spherus Magna again and more thoughts that relevize the middle of the story. But that middle, in itself, could have been covered in a few paragraphs, and yet it was stretched into a few thousand words. It was just a bunch of Toa doing nothing of great interest, with not enough backstory or action to make it worthwhile. Basically the middle was, in itself, backstory. And that’s fine, that was the intent. But the information was unbalanced. There was too little of it, and therefore it was too much because so little seemed unnecessary. You could have told a little more, and better yet you could have shown a little more. Sometimes characters should be allowed to tell their own stories. What you did have could also have been flavored by some action. You had two perfect opportunities for it: the practice fight and the Kane-Ra bull. Both could have been exciting and done something to liven the story, but instead you skipped the chance for showing us some zesty action and just told us that there was action. I think it was Charles Dickens who said, “Don’t tell us the girl screamed. Bring her out and let her scream.” What you’re really lacking here is exactly what any good story needs: substance. And in a short story, it’s especially hard and especially important to get that substance in there. You had it, definitely, but only at the beginning and the end. It was like a rope bridge that sags so much in the middle it sinks into the water. The start is dry, the finish is dry, but if you walk from one to the other you have to wade through the river. Grammatically I congratulate your knowledge, only not your fingers. Typographical errors are natural, which is why it’s important to proofread or use a spell checker (which is extremely difficult to use with fan fiction, I know). Here and there I noticed a missing word or letter, and I won’t bother to list them all. I will, however, point out two rather prominent mistakes. First, you spelled Ussal as ussel, and that twice. Second, in the BIONICLE universe, the elements are proper nouns, and therefore several of your airs and fires should have been capitalized. All in all, there were the parts I loved—the beginning and end—and the part I didn’t—the rest of it. I think your style is great and so is your grammar. I think you had a nice story here, only it could have been a great story with a few improvements. But that’s why you’re here, that’s why I’m reviewing you, that’s why I’m here writing, too; to become a great writer instead of a good one. That’s what writing is; an endless quest for amelioration. On behalf of the Short Stories Critics Club I thank you and wish you a nice day, good sir! Keep writing, From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

(I know you got the PM too, Tekulo, but now that there's three of us I have to refer to you both in the third person rather than the second. XD) I agree that we need more plot and world development before we decide on a title and a villain, so let's talk about that a bit. Before I get back to that: Matero's fine with me. Characters: It sounds like our two protagonists are pretty much detailed as far as necessary, bar the lack of two certain vital points: element. Jungle was actually a suggestion made for Larche, I think, and that's fine with me. Personally I don't think that would at all fit Karattru, nor would Ice, but I like Earth and also, my personal favorite, Iron for him. Iron just fits the PI bit best in my opinion. The Atero Eight, I think, sort of rule from the shadows, posing as the city's heroes, although everyone pretty much knows they're in control, and they're really not very heroic. I see them as pretty ruthless; probably not cruel, though. I can't see them going around the city harrowing poor Matoran just to amuse themselves, but appropriating belongings, puppeteering the economy, toying with the --basically they see the city as a big chess game for them to play. But they play for love, mere amateurs, while Zaktan is the masterful type who plays to win. Maybe some of the Toa are in league with him, I definitely like the idea; but though they may think they can betray him, they're not even players, just more of his pieces (And Tekulo, I think a PI would be in a better place to fight corruption than an official under the Atero Eight's control. He couldn't fight officially, that's true, but how well can one Matoran officially combat dictators?) Tearnu: Okay, that all makes sense. And if we separate the city into four sectors with two districts each, then there we have one sector for each Turaga and one district for each Toa, so that would be perfect. And I'm liking that vision, if only as a device to help show what's going on. Easy enough to slip it in insignificantly amidst one of the protagonists' movements, I think, maybe even in some way that leads him (or Larche) somewhere. Which reminds me, the Mask of Life: As Tekulo says, it has to be hidden, in a place befitting its importance yet not so difficult to penetrate that it distracts from the story. I'm feeling some deeply secretive sort of criminal underworld attempt to steal it; Karattru gets intangled in the case; the endeavor fails, but somehow he ends up with the Mask. Very sketchy, only an adumbration, but it's a comely seed, I think. So here I think we have a good idea of what Atero's like; there are still some edges to sand around the characters and various details, but what we're lacking is any idea at all as to the surrounding world. But I'm running out of time at this particular moment, so I'll move on to plot. I'm liking Zaktan and the EP Entity. I can see the latter wanting to play god; and I can see very easily how he could tie into some scheme to control the planet's core and make the world into, in essence, a Death Star. So what are Zaktan's motives? As Tekulo says, he wants to rule, right? That's what he's always wanted, and what he nearly achieved in the MU (and what I was very disappointed he didn't). Now, he failed; but when every atom of your body is separated across the universe, it takes a lot of time to reunite them, a lot of time for each and every one of them to think. Chances are, 99% of those ideas are idiotic; but if 1% all have concordant notions, they coalesce into a plot worthy of Zaktan. He wants power, but now he wants revenge, redemption; but moreover, he learned from his failure. If you run headlong into an obstacle, do you run into it again, or go around it? All this digression is so much as to say I still can't quite put a finger on what he's up to, but now that we're in his mind it should be easier. I'll sleep on it and compare notes with you two tomorrow. EDIT: A night of sleep or ten minutes of thought. Now, it's not entirely fleshed out, but I have a new idea. Zaktan hires the EP Entity with a scheme to rule the world, yes, yes, that's nothing novel. The EP Entity plans to betray him, of course. He does, naturally. But what he doesn't expect is that when he throws Zaktan into the planet's core to dissolve him in the EP--in his own essence--Zaktan mutates. Not just mutates, merges. With the planet itself. Zaktan in sentient control of Spherus Magna itself, core and all; Darth Vader not just commanding the Death Star, but being one with it. What do you think? And then our friend Karattru and Mata Nui (still in his head) leap into the pit too. Falling, falling, ploosh. Then here comes the best part. The final battle--taking place in the great equilizer: the mind. Their mental conflict ends in Zaktan's defeat. Mata Nui merges with the planet, and Karattru mutates in the EP into a Toa. And back to the EP Entity for a moment. He should have a name, I think, if only just a nickname. Something by which to refer to him. A sobriquet would be all the better, because then we could use it in the title. Call him Bruiser, call it Bruised Destiny. More plausibly, Dissolution and Destiny Dissolved; Decay and Decayed Destiny; Corrosion and Destiny Corroded. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Blue says the GB's identity was revealed, anyway, which apparently happened on the 26th in due time to prevent us from using him. So very well, scratch the idea; although I still like the scene I envisioned. Maybe it's to Vezon, alone in some cell somewhere, Zaktan goes? Blue suggested the EP Entity, and that could work too, or even the Shadowed One. Really, I think the villain we choose depends on just what it is we want them to do. Of course, if Zaktan's the brains, it doesn't really matter who he has working with him, unless they decide to betray him in the end. And I'm not against the idea of some sort of outside catastrophe. We will need to address the outside world--after all, it has to exist--but we'll just have to be careful, if we want to keep the story centered in New Atero. (Although I still don't like the name. Neo-Atero, Atero Reborn, Atero-Nui, Mata-Atero? None of those are much better, although I like that last.) I have a little experience in writing for a PI, and I'm something of a mystery fanatic, so I'm familiar with the type. I've heard that they are some of the easiest and most enjoyable characters to write for, though that does mean we'll have to be careful to avoid making him into a stereotype Sam Spade. I wouldn't mind if he were a part of the Resistance I proposed a while back, but any official police force is as corrupt as its superiors, which means the Atero Eight. But if he were an official detective, we could either have Karattru (as I guess his name is now? I'm for that) be fighting them from the inside or say he's an ex-cop. I like the concept of Tearnu as sort of a diamond in the rough, a comparatively pure heart among his corrupt brothers. Only, if he's like this, wouldn't he object to the Atero Eight's doings? And moreover, when you say he's leader; if you mean of his sports team, it makes sense, but if you mean of the Toa Team, they can't have a noble character at their head if they're supposed to be oppressive tyrants over the city. As for Larche on the question of species--at first I wanted her to be a Glatorian, but it's like trying to imagine a romance between a Toa and a Matoran. That pretty much leaves us with the option of Agori or Matoran, and personally I lean toward the former. Oh, and it looks like we're all agreed on first person. We can always switch between Larche and Karattru as necessary. And Tekulo, Blue agreed to Destiny Corrupted; what do you think? I'm a bit on the fence. Though it's still the best idea I've come up with, I think it's a little generic. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

You make lemonade. Opportunities are funny things; they call them chances because, indeed, opportunity relies a little upon chance. At times they'll come when you least want them, at others they won't come when you do. And they always say when an opportunity presents itself, seize it; I say, present yourself to an opportunity and let it seize you. As an example, the other night I was toying with a dismembered Phantoka Makuta body and observed non-sequitur to my brother, "Has it ever happened to you that someone opened their chest to eat you?" "No, to be honest, I don't think it's an occurrence I have ever encountered." "Do you think you ever will?" "No, I don't." So then and there I seized each breast of my shirt, tore it open, and with the open chest consumed his head. Take this illustration under advisement, and glean what lessons you can. Opportunity is not to be overlooked, but one should never just wait around for chance to strike, either. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

I've always wanted to read A. A. Milne's The Red House Mystery, and now that I say that aloud, as it were, I remember that it's free on Kindle and I'm suddenly decided to read it next after very little consideration.That digression aside, Milne's fame was born, of course, of Winnie-the-Pooh, which I always loved as a child and love still. When it comes to children's fiction, it doesn't get much better than that. I admit, though, that I'm not very well-versed on the original stories, far more so on the Disney productions.On that note, here's a fun fact I just learned of. In fourteen years, Disney's copyright expires. With Milne dead, I guess that mean Pooh goes public domain. To be honest, I'm sorry for that. Disney's done a pretty darn good job, and though I don't doubt they'll continue to do so even after they lose the copyright, I'm fearful of what will become of Pooh and friends. Sherlock Holmes is a classic example of the conglomeration of goods and evils that public property can be. From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

I have no 3DS and do not at all intend to get one, so I’ll content myself with watching videos and reading spoilers. But I do have a question, out of mere curiosity. What’s the gameplay like, between Riku and Sora? Do you play only as Sora, or does it shift periodically, or can you switch at will?Anyway, I started spoiling things with the secret ending. Where else? Therefore, if you haven’t seen it, I would suggest you not open the tags below. Sincrely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

That's Buddy, Sally and Mel from The Dick Van Dyke Show, not to mention a bit appearance by Alan Brady. Danny Thomas also appears, and later Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies. Okay, but how was the movie? Without giving anything away, it's about Charlie (Morey Amsterdam) and two female co-workers going into the book business, and getting mixed up in an espionage intrigue and a bank robbery. Basically, this is what they did before animated talking-animal movies came into vogue, only better than that makes it sound. It's replete with the brilliant humor of the time--in fact, I noticed three jokes from The Dick Van Dyke Show, probably all the Human Joke Machine's own--along with a not-so-brilliant humor that I think we can all agree should have stayed in the time. It's not going to change your life, but it's work a watch, by all means, and a must-see for any Dick Van Dyke fan. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

(Hey, have you seen my dog Blue? So far he hasn't had a chance to give any input on all this.) Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

There were a few points of my own that I obviously didn't make clear, and I know I have a tendency to think faster than I can talk and explain things sometimes. XD So I'm sorry about that. I see your spoiler tags and raise you . . . Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

. . . Yeah, so can we please stop discussing what it is we need to discuss and start discussing it? XP I confess my limited knowledge of blog workings and ask in all seriousness: am I the only one who can see the spoiler tags in the entry? As a precaution, I'll quote the spoiler tags' contents here. So come on, now, it's time to think--think--think! ;D To start things off, I have three main points to canvass: title; characters; and plot. Title. Haven't given it much thought. Destiny Corrupted is the best idea I've had so far, although I'd like something a little more descriptive, something punchier. Any suggestions? Characters. We'll need one or two of those. Or twenty. Or 39.4. Anyway, for starters, of course, we'll need a protagonist. I think I said he was a Matoran, name and element not yet defined. Light, maybe? And any protagonist needs a supporting cast. Some friends, maybe a love interest. The Council of Four could be the remnants of the Toa Mata; say, Lewa and Tahu are dead? And then the Atero Eight, the tyrants who call themselves "Mata Nui's chosen," all need elements and names. I'd like to have a theme that they are all named after myths that pertain to their element; Neptuna for a Toa of Water, for example, although we can be a little bit more creative than that. And though the Atero Eight are the only known Toa living (because they killed off the others, as rumor has it), I thought there should be one more (Jaller? Garan?) at the head of an underground resistance. But I also like the idea of a traditionally evil character--a Dark Hunter, for example--being made into a hero as their leader. Too bad all the Makuta are dead. Plot, then. I'm personally the type of writer who doesn't like to go in blind with no idea where he's going. Seems you guys are, too, so that's all good. I don't want to plan everything to a T, but I like to have something stringing me along, some sort of end toward which to work. To pick up where the teaser left off, our protagonist will discover the Ignika and become connected to it. I don't think it should transform him into a Toa, though certainly it gives him special powers. As the previously mentioned "greatest challenge," I considered Teridax, but . . . well, suffice to say I almost immediately dropped that consideration. But Zaktan, I think; saying that that green cloud from whichever serial was him, and that he was mutated by the EP, would give us a lot of elbow room to play with him here. Shapeshifting, and the ability to have his protodites swarm and eat people whole, for example. He's always been a great villain, though he's never quite earned the credit he deserves. So in the end, our protagonist/Mata Nui conglomeration battle Zaktan, Zaktan's defeated, maybe Mata Nui dies, maybe he makes the protagonist a Toa first, maybe the whole city's destroyed and thus our hero becomes leader to rebuild and purify. So there's a rough sketch of what I've been thinking so far. What are your own ideas, and your thoughts on mine? Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

The problem with combining the competitions would be that I entered both. And as Legolover said, it would be to mix our coffee with our tea. So I agree; keep the judging separate. Let it be a dramatic, mano-a-mano duel of the pencil between the two of us. N-U-I-L-E. But thanks for pointing that out. Hahli Husky . . . you awarded the bronze in the Comedies event to someone named "Nulie." It's an easy mistake, but I'd appreciate it if you fixed that. XPFrom the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

It was a joke, really, connecting with a joke I made to Tekulo: "Looks like it's me and you, and my pal AZBlue." XP Anyway, read through the spoiler tags in the entry itself and you'll see I've already started a few points of discussion. But you raise a new one: method. What my teammates and I did in the previous Epics relay was for the writer of any given chapter to send the draft to the next writer in the order; they would proofread it, then send it to the third writer while they began working on the next chapter. The third writer would then proofread the chapter before sending it back to the author for them to post. I'd like to be first in order, if you guys don't object. And by a meticulous process of evaluation (dropping your names in a Dr. Seuss hat) I designated Tekulo as second, AZ as third. Is that okay with everyone? Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Tekulo, AZBlue and I will here be brainstorming ideas and discussing details for the upcoming epic we will be collaborating on. Therefore the comments included herein will contain spoilers. YE BE WARNED. Team logo. What do you think? Huh? Huh? Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

I reckon it's me, Tekulo and AZ. Let the fun begin! Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Only two entries here in COT. So how's this going to work, Hahli Husky? From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Well . . . it's you. I admire your style, which is colorful, if monochromatic. In other words, gray; always gray. Even your avatar, man! You're great with emotion, but would it kill you to write about a different emotion once in a while? You're like--Anne of Green Gables, wasn't it? You prefer to end your stories with funerals rather than weddings. And apparently you can't figure out what to do with your characters, so you just kill them all off. You're good at it, I concede; you're a skilled murderer. But is that so desirable a title? XD (And by the way, I really don't think it's a terrible sin to have the occasional he said or she said after a quotation, especially if you use a descriptive verb in place of said.) But taste, I suppose, is taste! Cook and eat what you want, and so will I. So, is this for challenge #2 or #3? If the latter, I guess you've answered Vorex. Anyway, as far as I can tell it applies to either, but to neither prompt nor lexis, so that's--well, I'm not sure that we ever specified, but that's four points. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Well, if you're going to tell a history rather than show it, this is the best way to do it. But personally, I still would have rathered to see it. With a splash of backstory and a little bit of tying up at the end, you might have taken one pivotal, dramatic scene from this history--Mata Nui's death, for example--and made your story more exciting.My other complaint is your character choices. I don't mind that Mata Nui created BZ-Koro--in fact, I like the suggestion--but why Lesovikk, why Vakama? They don't fit very well into the BZPower realm.However, I did like the speech, and I thought the origin story you provided here was a good analogy of BZPower.Grammatically, I think you might have proofread a little more carefully, though besides typos there weren't too many mistakes. Here are a few I chose to point out: These beings were . . . sitting chairs? That error conjures an amusing image. Besides that missing in, you need a was in that next sentence. This is a confusing rule and a difficult one to explain. Simply put, when a quotation is followed by a he said, she whispered, or et cetera, it should end in a comma, and the first letter of the next word--he in your case--should not be capitalized. Thus what you wrote becomes, ". . . BZ-Koro," he said. Should be in. I emboldened another example if improper quoting, but what I'm really addressing here is Vakama's thoughts. I've seen thoughts written in italics, in quote marks, or with an annoying lack of indication; personally, I prefer italics. But whatever your choice, I think you should choose italics or quotation marks, not both.Th-th-that's all, folks. On the whole, you did a good job, and I enjoyed the story, so thank you for writing it. Good luck in the contest! Keep writing, Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith