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the end justifies the means - a toa Lesovikk story


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Toa Lesovikk. 

He looks out on the southern continent, wondering what he could have done differently. This is not the first time he has done so in the 50 years that have passed since his team was killed. 

It will not be the last. 

He feels the rage against all in the universe, maybe even the great spirit itself.

''The Zyglak, my hated enemy''

The hollow words seem to echo out into the wide expanse, not uttered with the stoic demure of a hero but rather the desperation of a being who has lost everything.

 '’They killed…niklea''

He could have vented his anger out on the matoran of the island but he would not. To be like the tyrant toa such as Nidhiki and Tuyet was the greatest abandonment of his virtue. He would not take his wrath out on the world. 

But spending your days in the past isn't great either. though Lesovikk.

Unity.

He had lost that virtue along with his team. 

Duty.

Maybe, but he had hesitated and not performed it.

Destiny.

It had thrown him around like a matoran trinket.

How Lesovikk hated destiny

This was the fifth island Lesovikk had been to. His wanderings around the known universe had taken him far and wide. He had served under the four armed fiend known as Makuta Gorast for a time, all part of his plan at the time. It hadn't worked. He was to be a sleeper agent of a sort, like a particularly nasty Protodite sabotaging a body from within. The body in this analogy was the cruel reign of makuta Gorast. 

Needless to say it didn't work. When he revealed himself for a stab in the back. Stab in the back regretted Lesovikk. I didn't even have the honor to face her like a true toa. The end justifies the means. His mind drifted back to his failed plan. 

 

When he did turn off the power of his mask, the kanohi faxon was used for a chameleon ability. He thought Gorast was about as aware of his presence as a sand snipe jumping into liquid protodermis to meet its doom. That was the hope. Gorast did not cooperate.


 


 

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I like the premise of the story but I feel it's somewhat unpolished. Aside from some grammatical oddities ('’They killed…niklea'') there's also some timeline inconsistencies: there is at least an 85.000 year gap between the death of the Toa Cordak and Tuyet's plot/Nidhiki's betrayal, so Lesovikk couldn't have possibly known about those two. Additionally, referring to Gorast's four arms is incorrect - she had four arms when she was mutated by the mutagenic waters of Karda Nui. I'm also missing some context for why Lesovikk is even working for Gorast - is he trying to get information? If so, on what?

I do think this story has potential. If you can polish it I feel it might be a great story. :)

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7 hours ago, TahnokTrapper said:

there is at least an 85.000 year gap between the death of the Toa Cordak and Tuyet's plot/Nidhiki's betrayal, so Lesovikk couldn't have possibly known about those two. Additionally, referring to Gorast's four arms is incorrect - she had four arms when she was mutated by the mutagenic waters of Karda Nui. I'm also missing some context for why Lesovikk is even working for Gorast - is he trying to get information? If so, on what?

yeah this is my first attempt at writing so bear with me (expect to see some edits in the future)

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Lesovikk using dirty tactics to get close to a Makuta is a cool idea for a story, but as is this chapter/introduction is pretty short, and the spelling/punctuation errors are noticeable. With another proofread, this would be an intriguing introduction.

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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

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I guess there's no proper review topic for this one?

It's a decent start, and an interesting concept, but as others have said it feels a little unpolished at the moment. Personally, I'd recommend taking the time to write and edit most/all of the story before you start uploading, that way there aren't long waits between chapters, and people won't have to potentially go back and reread multiple times when you edit or change things. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I can see some potential here! For a first attempt, it shows a lot of promise. Mapping out a plot thread and cleaning up a bit will help you quite a bit. Excited to see where you go from here!

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So No Head?

 

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On 3/10/2024 at 8:28 PM, LostHead said:

I can see some potential here! For a first attempt, it shows a lot of promise. Mapping out a plot thread and cleaning up a bit will help you quite a bit. Excited to see where you go from here!

yeah I'm just winging it and that's became a problem

 

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