Kanakalackin Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) Hi guys, reviews for Matoran? Or Monster go here. STORY TOPIC Edited May 16, 2013 by Phantom Terror Quote I have an Instagram page where you can see these pictures and more like them! Just click HERE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Van Hohenheim Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 ....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews... Quote Previously known as Aiwendil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanakalackin Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 ....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...I wrote an epic. ._. Quote I have an Instagram page where you can see these pictures and more like them! Just click HERE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Van Hohenheim Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 ....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...I wrote an epic. ._.woops. sorry. I feel dumb now >-<I don't really see any problem here. keep up the good work. the chapters seem a wee bit short though. Quote Previously known as Aiwendil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zacian Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) ....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...I wrote an epic. ._.Hehe. That was funny. Anyhow, you should add a link of your epic to the review topic first or people might think it's about MOCs (jk ). EDIT: I see you are already finished with the link thing. Well keep up with chapter two! Edited May 16, 2013 by Kranan: Rider of Rohan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taipu1 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 First I'll get a few nitpicky grammar/spelling things out of the way. Spelling seems pretty well done, the only thing that jumped out at me was: f you come with us, the we'll let your lover go. Assume it's just a typo, should be 'then'. 1 typo in a single chapter though is a pretty good rate. The speech doesn't flow so well, you need to start a new line when the speaker changes, so it becomes more obvious. A lot of people (myself included) leave gaps between each line of speech, to push this. "Not good." Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire." A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, the we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. This should be more like this: "Not good," Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire," A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, then we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. As for the story you've got going, its interesting. There's an element of mystery, which you might want to push this further, get the reader asking 'Who are these robots?', offer some hint as to where the mysterious voice might be coming from. As Strack said, it's a bit short. My thoughts are this is because you're setting up. You know where you want to go, and thats where you want to be. It perhaps comes off as a bit rushed. It's not bad quality rushed, its more that you've only put what's necessary to set things up. Finally I've got a quibble with Reyna's final line, I didn't really believe it. In that situation, I wouldn't be thinking "I'll always remember you", as that implies a totally hopeless situation. I would have thought she'd hope to see him again. If anything she'd be more overcome with the selfless move he made by taking her place. If anything it's not the people involved that matter, it's the act of what Gratoraxe did that's important, and Reyna's emotions about this act should be obvious from this line. This reviews probably comes across as pretty negative, for which I apologise. Don't be disheartened, writing an epic is as much about bettering your skills as it is about telling a story, and constructive critiscism is the key to this. Quote - Taipu1.HighFly MatoranShowdownBZPRPG ProfilesHave you seen my Blog? I understand if you haven't Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanakalackin Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) First I'll get a few nitpicky grammar/spelling things out of the way. Spelling seems pretty well done, the only thing that jumped out at me was: f you come with us, the we'll let your lover go. Assume it's just a typo, should be 'then'. 1 typo in a single chapter though is a pretty good rate. The speech doesn't flow so well, you need to start a new line when the speaker changes, so it becomes more obvious. A lot of people (myself included) leave gaps between each line of speech, to push this. >>"Not good." Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire." A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, the we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. This should be more like this: "Not good," Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire," A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, then we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. As for the story you've got going, its interesting. There's an element of mystery, which you might want to push this further, get the reader asking 'Who are these robots?', offer some hint as to where the mysterious voice might be coming from. As Strack said, it's a bit short. My thoughts are this is because you're setting up. You know where you want to go, and thats where you want to be. It perhaps comes off as a bit rushed. It's not bad quality rushed, its more that you've only put what's necessary to set things up. Finally I've got a quibble with Reyna's final line, I didn't really believe it. In that situation, I wouldn't be thinking "I'll always remember you", as that implies a totally hopeless situation. I would have thought she'd hope to see him again. If anything she'd be more overcome with the selfless move he made by taking her place. If anything it's not the people involved that matter, it's the act of what Gratoraxe did that's important, and Reyna's emotions about this act should be obvious from this line. This reviews probably comes across as pretty negative, for which I apologise. Don't be disheartened, writing an epic is as much about bettering your skills as it is about telling a story, and constructive critiscism is the key to this. Okay, thanks! Will fix spelling/grammatical errors. I am setting it up for something bigger that ties into the Adventures of Sandstorm. This might turn out a little like Total Recall or the Matrix. Reyna said "I'll always remember you." Because it is a key element for later in the story and the strength of the robots is INSANE. There is only one way to defeat/destroy them, and it is not brute strength. Edited May 17, 2013 by Phantom Terror Quote I have an Instagram page where you can see these pictures and more like them! Just click HERE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toa Of Anarchy Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Chapter One. OrdinaryChapter Two. ExtrodinaryChapter Three. SPECTACULAR!Good Story(s)!Really looking forward to more.Once you are done though, you might want to write a prequel so we understand the settings better. Quote BZPRPG CharactersWant to play all the Lego games? Click Here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanakalackin Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) Chapter One. OrdinaryChapter Two. ExtrodinaryChapter Three. SPECTACULAR!Good Story(s)!Really looking forward to more.Once you are done though, you might want to write a prequel so we understand the settings better.I would like to know what makes these chapter ordinary, extraordinary, and spectacular. EDIT: Thank you to the staff member who moved these posts out of my story. Edited August 13, 2013 by Wasp Quote I have an Instagram page where you can see these pictures and more like them! Just click HERE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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