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Review: Right of Law

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10 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Super Fighting Pahrak

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Posted Mar 23 2018 - 11:14 PM

This is where you can post reviews for my epic Right of Law.  I’ll also be using it as a database of sorts, to help keep track of all the key points of this universe to (hopefully) prevent any confusion.  I’ll do my best to keep it updated as we go—and if you have any questions or things you think should be added to this database, please let me know!
 
An important thing to note: this story is a follow-up to a short story entitled The Gargoyle Knight, which is essentially a prologue and might be worth reading.  I’m trying to explain its events as I refer to them, but I don’t want to derail a whole chapter to repeat things I’ve already written out.
 
This story takes place in the Melding Universe.  Rather than creating the Great Spirit Robot, the Great Beings instead created Matoran and Toa to fix Spherus Magna before it had the chance to shatter.  Here, Toa are the small ones while Matoran are larger and physically stronger, and we’ve seen counterparts to existing characters such as Toa Macku and Helryx the Ga-Matoran.  The Great Beings thus continued to rule over Spherus Magna as they used to long ago.  At some point they created the Makuta, who purged themselves of all darkness and have gone on to become loyal and noble servants of the Great Beings’ will.  It was visited in the official story when Mazeka and Vultraz ended up in it by accident, and in the end, Vultraz was taken captive by the Great Beings, meanwhile Mazeka was sent back to the prime reality along with the Melding Universe’s Teridax.
 
Beyond this point, we get into my personal take on the universe.
 

Miscellaneous Differences Between Realities

 
The Makuta:
The Makuta possess power over Light, and many are assigned as leaders in important areas.  They are far more involved with their respective domains than in the prime reality.  Makuta do not produce Kraata, as the Great Beings saw no need for Infected Kanohi, and so spawn Rahkshi directly rather than requiring two Kraata and a pool of energized protodermis.  There are 42 different Rahkshi powers a Makuta has access to.  Some Makuta have also been able to develop unique abilities, thought to be a result of their Adaptation powers.
 
Rahkshi Powers

 
Known Makuta

 
The Great Beings:
The unquestioned and beloved rulers of Spherus Magna.  Though appearing as Glatorian, they are gifted with an extraordinary intelligence that has allowed them to craft many wonderful technologies that seem like magic to others.  Their numbers include:

-Heremus, who has the highest authority

-Angonce, considered a man of the people

-Velika, vainly passionate about his creations

-Seldoa, who loathes the people she is asked to lead


Edited by Super Fighting Pahrak, Nov 27 2018 - 02:49 PM.

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#2 Offline Toru Nui

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Posted Mar 27 2018 - 02:47 PM

I'm not good at articulating why I like things, so I'll just say I like this and leave it at that.


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NOT READING THIS IN THE MATORAN FONT ARE WE

WELL THAT CAN EASILY BE REMEDIED

http://www.fonts2u.com/matoran.font

 

:infected:


#3 Offline Super Fighting Pahrak

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Posted Apr 10 2018 - 01:15 PM

Thank you for your support!  Section II is out now, where we elaborate on Zaekura's nature and Antroz confronts the Great Beings.


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#4 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Apr 23 2018 - 07:01 PM

I've been trying to find the time to read this for a while now, and I'm kicking myself for not making time earlier. I love every part of this so much. The world is as real and fleshed-out as the official storyline, and the writing style flows nicely. It didn't feel anywhere near as long as it was, in a good way. I actually found myself wishing you published the 7,000-word version of Section II. Can't wait for the next update.


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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

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#5 Offline Super Fighting Pahrak

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Posted Apr 26 2018 - 11:19 PM

Thank you!  I've been having a lot of fun trying to figure out the world--this type of setting only asks that you take things from the original world and twist them, and Bionicle being Bionicle, it has such a vast array of things to twist.  And we've still only been to two cities!

 

Section IV is up now, following up on that outpost mentioned briefly in Section I.  The main focus is Makuta Bitil, as well as his Rahkshi, who are a very unique breed of creature.


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#6 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Apr 30 2018 - 07:49 PM

Great episode! All of it is well-written, but you have an oddly specific talent for writing polite conversations between Makuta. The Rahkshi were satisfyingly new and innovative, and I enjoyed comparing this Bitil to the prime reality's one. It was a good idea to have a slower episode after the last was so action-packed. Can't wait for Antroz to finally confront Angonce.
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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

nichijou2.jpg

Click here to visit my library!


#7 Offline Super Fighting Pahrak

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Posted May 09 2018 - 06:15 PM

Thank you!  I've come to really enjoy writing characters who speak very eloquently, especially when the specifics of what they're saying can make the whole thing seem humorously passive-aggressive.  The Makuta are perfect for that.

 

Section V is out now, and it starts out with a good dose of such dialogue, before moving on to Antroz's meeting with Angonce.  This one is going to heavily shift the direction the story goes in from here on!


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#8 Offline Master Inika

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Posted May 10 2018 - 10:39 AM

Great episode! I think the slow ending worked. For some reason, it feels slightly anime-esque to me. I'm so pumped up for the next one. It's so surreal thinking of the Great Beings as evil, I sometimes forget this is the same universe Mazeka visited.

 

I did find one minor typo:

 

Bitil crossed his arms.  “…I shall ready my Rahkshi for battle.  If more of those drones arrive, we will need to be prepared.  They shall not breech my walls!”

 

*breach


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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

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#9 Offline Super Fighting Pahrak

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Posted May 22 2018 - 02:45 PM

Ah, thanks for that--it's fixed now!  I always make that mistake, I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on it going forward.

 

Section VI is up, showing Krika reach Ga-Koro and get into some unexpected trouble there.  Also, for reasons explained here, upcoming chapters may be a bit slow: I'm going to have less time to write starting very soon, and while I will try my best to stay on top of things, there's a chance that might not happen so I wanted to give a heads-up just in case.


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#10 Offline Master Inika

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Posted May 25 2018 - 07:42 PM

I was so unprepared for having a different UDD symbol, but I almost immediately realized why it was changed when I really thought about it. Such attention to detail makes this story something special. This story really messes with ideas of right and wrong in the most thought-provoking ways. My personal favorite moment was Krika's attack on Velika. As soon as I read the flying question, I knew something was about to go down. It was a good choice to include that brief, dynamic piece of action in an otherwise dialogue-heavy episode, too. Each chapter just gets me so pumped for the next.


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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

nichijou2.jpg

Click here to visit my library!


#11 Offline Super Fighting Pahrak

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Posted Jun 15 2018 - 11:02 PM

Glad to hear it!  Section VII is up now--sorry it took a bit, but hopefully it'll be worth the wait, and I'll do my best to get VIII out soon as well.

 

I'd also like to take this time to thank the staff for Featuring this story!  It's truly an honor!


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