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Dark Mirror: Part I Review Topic

Shadows Epic

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#81 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 03:00 PM

Wow, that guy in the cell is a complete cool dude :PSo who are fear and dread? Will Arkrak stop talking like this is all a work of fiction? And what part does Nikarra have to play in all this? Stay tuned folks...
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#82 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 03:17 PM

Well, not a complete one, but I'll admit he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. XPActually, it's not just Fear and Dread. There's a third one, called Terror.Arkrak always talks about things like they're works of fiction.Nikarra won't be playing too much of a part this time around, I'm afraid.
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#83 Online Purple God

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 07:04 PM

But they actually do have plot armour.
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~Prepare to fight — for, evidently, you have found peace intolerable.~


#84 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 07:06 PM

*Facepalm*Any thoughts on the chapter itself, Hubert, rather than just Arkrak's comments? XP
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#85 Online Purple God

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 10:08 AM

Yes. I am scared of you new characters. They sound intimidating. And will probably be responsible for lots of death.Also, so begins Arkrak's attempts at explaining the plot, along with MYSTERIOUS REPORTER MATORAN. And Nikarra.
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~Prepare to fight — for, evidently, you have found peace intolerable.~


#86 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 12:31 PM

Well, face it, they're named after different words for 'Fear'. :PThey are that.Well, they'll certainly do their bests.Arkrak does like trying to explain the plot.He's not a reporter. His name is Elax, and he is a Fe-Matoran, who is going to become an antagonist.Yup, Nikarra's there alright.
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#87 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 02:48 PM

So Strave wasn't in his head, but was in his dream. I am certain he is a Time-Keeper. The comedy in this chapter was better than the others, I must say, such as the second Thornatus and Inc nodding his head in understanding :P
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#88 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 02:51 PM

So Strave wasn't in his head, but was in his dream. I am certain he is a Time-Keeper. The comedy in this chapter was better than the others, I must say, such as the second Thornatus and Inc nodding his head in understanding :P

"A wizard did it."

That's all I have to say on the matter.

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#89 Offline The Dandy Automaton

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:07 PM

Plot armour made me cringe.Also, boy did Fear seem like a familiar character at first. I'd almost say there was reference to something...detective based...But not Holmes. > ;)
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Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#90 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:12 PM

Plot armour made me cringe.Also, boy did Fear seem like a familiar character at first. I'd almost say there was reference to something...detective based...But not Holmes. > ;)

In the BZPRPG, Hub's Arkrak always refers to stuff from a particular site I'm afraid I cannot name. So I copied him.What? Reference? Please explain.

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#91 Offline The Dandy Automaton

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:41 PM

Plot armour made me cringe.Also, boy did Fear seem like a familiar character at first. I'd almost say there was reference to something...detective based...But not Holmes. > ;)

In the BZPRPG, Hub's Arkrak always refers to stuff from a particular site I'm afraid I cannot name. So I copied him.What? Reference? Please explain.

As I said in the PM, he reminded me of Geoffrey Scrutinous.

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Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#92 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:46 PM

Ah. That's understandable, his first scene was inspired quite a bit by good old Geoff.
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#93 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 22 2012 - 10:00 PM

This is Bionicle crime fiction? So that's why my mind is going "bleh" - the last one was more of anadventure.This story series never feels right to me. It feels lacking in some respect or other; but I can't put my finger on it.It's not some obvious storyline flaw - the plot is good, albeit a little random, the characters are developed out,although that is a little forced, but not much. That's not it. I don't claim to know what it is. It just feels lame...And of course, I fail to get all of the movie/TV/BZPRPG allusions placed therein. This all means that a mutant chipmunk Muaka with four legs is eminently more qualified to do this review than I. But you asked, and I am bored, so here you go:

“It’s okay, I’m fine.” Arkrak looked sceptical. “Honest.”

Should be skeptical.

What Incommodo had realised was that these people, lined up to replace empty spots in the Council, were all dead.The murderer had managed to get up close to every one of the victims, and now every one of the victims was dead.There had been a murderer in the police station when it exploded, but it was the wrong one.The real murderer was still out there, and whoever they were, each and every one of the victims had trusted them. But who would everyone trust?

Why does Incommodo know this (in-story)?

“Gentlemen, we’re here to bring about the end of the world.”

I never would have guessed.

Walking through New Atero, I noticed a commotion outside the Council building. Sitting at a distance with my trusty camera, I noticed ‘Myself’ and ‘Nobody’ talking to Fear, Dread, and another Toa like them.Fear punched Myself before being hit by a bolt of lightning, from a female Toa I hadn’t seen before.Suddenly, Dread and the other one broke off to go after Nobody and Myself (respectively), as they had started running away. I took as many photos as possible.

Hey, this is pretty good. I liked the weird character names and the puns created thereof.And yes, I did catch the references to the Deu Ex Machinas. That line was good. :)

Edited by fishers64, Apr 22 2012 - 10:01 PM.

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#94 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 12:39 AM

No. First few chapters were, not the whole thing. Basically, with Marendar there, the whole thing's about to change. The crime part was mainly to give Reichenbach a suitable introduction.I see...Luckily, there are only three characters who have made references. :PAh, I thought that would come up. This is about a week later. Also, that's Incommodo's 'thoughts'; they aren't definitely correct. Basically, he assumed it was the murderer who had placed the bomb.Sarcasm?Thankyou, I'm rather proud of my little Toa in Black. :biggrin:Thanks.
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#95 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 12:50 AM

No. First few chapters were, not the whole thing. Basically, with Marendar there, the whole thing's about to change. The crime part was mainly to give Reichenbach a suitable introduction.I see...Luckily, there are only three characters who have made references. :PAh, I thought that would come up. This is about a week later. Also, that's Incommodo's 'thoughts'; they aren't definitely correct. Basically, he assumed it was the murderer who had placed the bomb.Sarcasm?Thankyou, I'm rather proud of my little Toa in Black. :biggrin:Thanks.

Well, the "this is Incommodo's thoughts and he is assuming stuff" could have been more clear. Your style here makes it feel like a narrator-inserted Deu Ex Machina. Yes, I was being sarcastic. And if you are proud, it is somewhat well-founded, I guess. Although pride goes before a fall...watch it. If you overuse that idea, it's a bad thing. And you're welcome.

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#96 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 01:20 AM

It'll come up again later. Frustro's name is Latin.Thought so. :PI'll do my very best not to overuse them.Thanks again. :)
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#97 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 12:44 PM

Ooh, body count. And spooky MiB/Smiths/Dreads. And journalism.And Frustro is just an annoying mug and not a bad guy! Woo! Oh wait...So yeah, I'm likin' it. It feels like it's already building up towards the end, but it's only Part 1, so I know there's gonna be some mahussive twist :P
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#98 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:19 PM

Yup. They're Shades.Yeah. I'd gotten all of you, though. XDOoh, someone's being clever. But no twist just yet, I'm afraid. You won't discover the twist 'til the end of Part II, for reasons you'll understand soon enough. And then it's The Eleventh Hour. Which will be very fun to write. I've already written the prologue, and I can just imagine your shocked little faces. :evilgrin:
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#99 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:21 PM

:oSomething like that I'd presume ^.^
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#100 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:26 PM

Ha ha!Here's a quick spoiler, which doesn't ruin the plot, but adds to your anticipation:
Spoiler

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#101 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:30 PM

*Stifles surprise resulting in suffocation*Bwugh, aha... *Cough* Anyway, the Eleventh Hour looks to be the book of twists. I will pledge to eat one of those Twister lollies whilst reading the first chapter.
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#102 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:35 PM

Oh, there will be twists, and revelations, and shocks, and deaths, and scares. A lot of scares. :evilgrin: (You liked the zombies in Shadows? We're talking scares FAR better than that...)And Twisters are nice. =3
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#103 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:48 PM

Aren't they just? *Beams*And the zombies weren't scay, just zombie-ish :wired: But scares is always good too, although it's harder to do in prose. Steven King managed it though, so we'll wait and see :)
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#104 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:52 PM

You will like these scares. A friend tested them, and gave them 8/10.
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#105 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 02:02 PM

I can just imagine you with a cage full of test subjects you use for these ratings :PAnd I noticed Arkrak didn't have much screentime in this chapter.
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#106 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 02:45 PM

It's just the one, and it's not a cage, really, more of a cell.Wotz, how dare you even suggest something like that? :ohmy:Oh dear, oh dear, I wonder how that happened.
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#107 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 02:58 PM

Is he in your non-existant cage as well then?
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#108 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:00 PM

Don't worry, everyone's favourite Fourth Wall-breaker will be in Chapter 14. And Arkrak will be there too. XDAnd, technically, I have two guinea pigs. One reads chapters in no particular order, the other reads them chronologically.
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#109 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:01 PM

Must be some pretty smart Guinea Pigs....ba dum tshh
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#110 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:04 PM

Well, one of them's pretty smart. The other made fun of my best friend's hair enough times that I couldn't help but employ him.
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#111 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:07 PM

That was supposed to be a joke, albeit a bad one, but still ;)Y'know, because they're Guinea Pigs? Geddit? Huh?
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#112 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:09 PM

I did get it. I'm laughing so hard, it's ultrasonic.
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#113 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:11 PM

I'm so funny :rolleyes:By the way, I saw the Smithy part in your sig the other day and loled xD
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#114 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:14 PM

Thankyou. I'm very proud of the Smithy line. Although, one of the guinea pigs likes the 'I knew I shouldn't have hit him with that door' line.
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#115 Offline Doctor J. Wotzon

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:17 PM

Oh, I loled at that one too.And I've just noticed this topic is basically now a conversation between me and you :blink: Perhaps we should roll on to PM.
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#116 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:18 PM

Indeed we should. XD
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#117 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 10:56 PM

“Y’know, Magnetism, Lightning, Plasma, Gravity especially. The ones who are all ridiculously overpowered and consider themselves ultimately superior to everyone else.”

I liked this one-liner; very good. :)

“Agreed.” Arkrak (funnily enough) agreed. “We should stand on eachother’s shoulders, to reach that little window, then one of us can go through and help the others out.”

Should be "each other's". Also the first part of dialogue is awkwardly done. "'Agreed' said Artrak" will suffice; the used of the said bookism "agreed" twice is redundant and unecessary. 

The receptionist was staying there, however, by choice. A specially trained killer, in the employment of Reichenbach. It was her job to sneak explosives into the Council building.

[strikethrough]That is such a Deu Ex Machina...[/strikethrough] Really, however, we weren't given the slightest hint that the receptionist was off. You just threw it at us. As for plot, very good, although the jailbreak could have been more actiony. Hopefully good ol'Marendar will put some overdue action sequences in here. 

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#118 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 26 2012 - 12:43 AM

Thankyou.I know, I do that sometimes.Actually, look back. When Frustro had to leave, the receptionist stayed.
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#119 Online Purple God

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Posted Apr 27 2012 - 05:43 AM

ARKRAK. NOT ARTRAK FISHY.Anyway, someone will die eh?It's totally going to be Arky.Also, seems like Frustro isn't very villainous.
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#120 Offline Indigo Individual

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Posted Apr 27 2012 - 01:27 PM

ARKRAK. NOT ARTRAK FISHY.Anyway, someone will die eh?It's totally going to be Arky.Also, seems like Frustro isn't very villainous.

Don't call her Fishy.Yup.You'll have to wait and see.Not in the slightest.

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