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Dark Mirror: Part I Review Topic

Shadows Epic

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136 replies to this topic

#81 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 03:00 PM

Wow, that guy in the cell is a complete cool dude :PSo who are fear and dread? Will Arkrak stop talking like this is all a work of fiction? And what part does Nikarra have to play in all this? Stay tuned folks...
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#82 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 03:17 PM

Well, not a complete one, but I'll admit he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. XPActually, it's not just Fear and Dread. There's a third one, called Terror.Arkrak always talks about things like they're works of fiction.Nikarra won't be playing too much of a part this time around, I'm afraid.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

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"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#83 Offline Onarax

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 07:04 PM

But they actually do have plot armour.
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#84 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 07:06 PM

*Facepalm*Any thoughts on the chapter itself, Hubert, rather than just Arkrak's comments? XP
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

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"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#85 Offline Onarax

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 10:08 AM

Yes. I am scared of you new characters. They sound intimidating. And will probably be responsible for lots of death.Also, so begins Arkrak's attempts at explaining the plot, along with MYSTERIOUS REPORTER MATORAN. And Nikarra.
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#86 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 12:31 PM

Well, face it, they're named after different words for 'Fear'. :PThey are that.Well, they'll certainly do their bests.Arkrak does like trying to explain the plot.He's not a reporter. His name is Elax, and he is a Fe-Matoran, who is going to become an antagonist.Yup, Nikarra's there alright.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#87 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 02:48 PM

So Strave wasn't in his head, but was in his dream. I am certain he is a Time-Keeper. The comedy in this chapter was better than the others, I must say, such as the second Thornatus and Inc nodding his head in understanding :P
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#88 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 02:51 PM

So Strave wasn't in his head, but was in his dream. I am certain he is a Time-Keeper. The comedy in this chapter was better than the others, I must say, such as the second Thornatus and Inc nodding his head in understanding :P

"A wizard did it."

That's all I have to say on the matter.

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#89 Offline The Dandy Automaton

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:07 PM

Plot armour made me cringe.Also, boy did Fear seem like a familiar character at first. I'd almost say there was reference to something...detective based...But not Holmes. > ;)
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Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#90 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:12 PM

Plot armour made me cringe.Also, boy did Fear seem like a familiar character at first. I'd almost say there was reference to something...detective based...But not Holmes. > ;)

In the BZPRPG, Hub's Arkrak always refers to stuff from a particular site I'm afraid I cannot name. So I copied him.What? Reference? Please explain.

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#91 Offline The Dandy Automaton

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:41 PM

Plot armour made me cringe.Also, boy did Fear seem like a familiar character at first. I'd almost say there was reference to something...detective based...But not Holmes. > ;)

In the BZPRPG, Hub's Arkrak always refers to stuff from a particular site I'm afraid I cannot name. So I copied him.What? Reference? Please explain.

As I said in the PM, he reminded me of Geoffrey Scrutinous.

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Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#92 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:46 PM

Ah. That's understandable, his first scene was inspired quite a bit by good old Geoff.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#93 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 22 2012 - 10:00 PM

This is Bionicle crime fiction? So that's why my mind is going "bleh" - the last one was more of anadventure.This story series never feels right to me. It feels lacking in some respect or other; but I can't put my finger on it.It's not some obvious storyline flaw - the plot is good, albeit a little random, the characters are developed out,although that is a little forced, but not much. That's not it. I don't claim to know what it is. It just feels lame...And of course, I fail to get all of the movie/TV/BZPRPG allusions placed therein. This all means that a mutant chipmunk Muaka with four legs is eminently more qualified to do this review than I. But you asked, and I am bored, so here you go:

“It’s okay, I’m fine.” Arkrak looked sceptical. “Honest.”

Should be skeptical.

What Incommodo had realised was that these people, lined up to replace empty spots in the Council, were all dead.The murderer had managed to get up close to every one of the victims, and now every one of the victims was dead.There had been a murderer in the police station when it exploded, but it was the wrong one.The real murderer was still out there, and whoever they were, each and every one of the victims had trusted them. But who would everyone trust?

Why does Incommodo know this (in-story)?

“Gentlemen, we’re here to bring about the end of the world.”

I never would have guessed.

Walking through New Atero, I noticed a commotion outside the Council building. Sitting at a distance with my trusty camera, I noticed ‘Myself’ and ‘Nobody’ talking to Fear, Dread, and another Toa like them.Fear punched Myself before being hit by a bolt of lightning, from a female Toa I hadn’t seen before.Suddenly, Dread and the other one broke off to go after Nobody and Myself (respectively), as they had started running away. I took as many photos as possible.

Hey, this is pretty good. I liked the weird character names and the puns created thereof.And yes, I did catch the references to the Deu Ex Machinas. That line was good. :)

Edited by fishers64, Apr 22 2012 - 10:01 PM.

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#94 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 12:39 AM

No. First few chapters were, not the whole thing. Basically, with Marendar there, the whole thing's about to change. The crime part was mainly to give Reichenbach a suitable introduction.I see...Luckily, there are only three characters who have made references. :PAh, I thought that would come up. This is about a week later. Also, that's Incommodo's 'thoughts'; they aren't definitely correct. Basically, he assumed it was the murderer who had placed the bomb.Sarcasm?Thankyou, I'm rather proud of my little Toa in Black. :biggrin:Thanks.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#95 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 12:50 AM

No. First few chapters were, not the whole thing. Basically, with Marendar there, the whole thing's about to change. The crime part was mainly to give Reichenbach a suitable introduction.I see...Luckily, there are only three characters who have made references. :PAh, I thought that would come up. This is about a week later. Also, that's Incommodo's 'thoughts'; they aren't definitely correct. Basically, he assumed it was the murderer who had placed the bomb.Sarcasm?Thankyou, I'm rather proud of my little Toa in Black. :biggrin:Thanks.

Well, the "this is Incommodo's thoughts and he is assuming stuff" could have been more clear. Your style here makes it feel like a narrator-inserted Deu Ex Machina. Yes, I was being sarcastic. And if you are proud, it is somewhat well-founded, I guess. Although pride goes before a fall...watch it. If you overuse that idea, it's a bad thing. And you're welcome.

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#96 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 01:20 AM

It'll come up again later. Frustro's name is Latin.Thought so. :PI'll do my very best not to overuse them.Thanks again. :)
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#97 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 12:44 PM

Ooh, body count. And spooky MiB/Smiths/Dreads. And journalism.And Frustro is just an annoying mug and not a bad guy! Woo! Oh wait...So yeah, I'm likin' it. It feels like it's already building up towards the end, but it's only Part 1, so I know there's gonna be some mahussive twist :P
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#98 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:19 PM

Yup. They're Shades.Yeah. I'd gotten all of you, though. XDOoh, someone's being clever. But no twist just yet, I'm afraid. You won't discover the twist 'til the end of Part II, for reasons you'll understand soon enough. And then it's The Eleventh Hour. Which will be very fun to write. I've already written the prologue, and I can just imagine your shocked little faces. :evilgrin:
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#99 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:21 PM

:oSomething like that I'd presume ^.^
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#100 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:26 PM

Ha ha!Here's a quick spoiler, which doesn't ruin the plot, but adds to your anticipation:
Spoiler

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#101 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:30 PM

*Stifles surprise resulting in suffocation*Bwugh, aha... *Cough* Anyway, the Eleventh Hour looks to be the book of twists. I will pledge to eat one of those Twister lollies whilst reading the first chapter.
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#102 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:35 PM

Oh, there will be twists, and revelations, and shocks, and deaths, and scares. A lot of scares. :evilgrin: (You liked the zombies in Shadows? We're talking scares FAR better than that...)And Twisters are nice. =3
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#103 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:48 PM

Aren't they just? *Beams*And the zombies weren't scay, just zombie-ish :wired: But scares is always good too, although it's harder to do in prose. Steven King managed it though, so we'll wait and see :)
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#104 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 01:52 PM

You will like these scares. A friend tested them, and gave them 8/10.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#105 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 02:02 PM

I can just imagine you with a cage full of test subjects you use for these ratings :PAnd I noticed Arkrak didn't have much screentime in this chapter.
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#106 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 02:45 PM

It's just the one, and it's not a cage, really, more of a cell.Wotz, how dare you even suggest something like that? :ohmy:Oh dear, oh dear, I wonder how that happened.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#107 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 02:58 PM

Is he in your non-existant cage as well then?
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#108 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:00 PM

Don't worry, everyone's favourite Fourth Wall-breaker will be in Chapter 14. And Arkrak will be there too. XDAnd, technically, I have two guinea pigs. One reads chapters in no particular order, the other reads them chronologically.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#109 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:01 PM

Must be some pretty smart Guinea Pigs....ba dum tshh
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#110 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:04 PM

Well, one of them's pretty smart. The other made fun of my best friend's hair enough times that I couldn't help but employ him.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#111 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:07 PM

That was supposed to be a joke, albeit a bad one, but still ;)Y'know, because they're Guinea Pigs? Geddit? Huh?
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#112 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:09 PM

I did get it. I'm laughing so hard, it's ultrasonic.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#113 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:11 PM

I'm so funny :rolleyes:By the way, I saw the Smithy part in your sig the other day and loled xD
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#114 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:14 PM

Thankyou. I'm very proud of the Smithy line. Although, one of the guinea pigs likes the 'I knew I shouldn't have hit him with that door' line.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#115 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:17 PM

Oh, I loled at that one too.And I've just noticed this topic is basically now a conversation between me and you :blink: Perhaps we should roll on to PM.
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#116 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 03:18 PM

Indeed we should. XD
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#117 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 10:56 PM

“Y’know, Magnetism, Lightning, Plasma, Gravity especially. The ones who are all ridiculously overpowered and consider themselves ultimately superior to everyone else.”

I liked this one-liner; very good. :)

“Agreed.” Arkrak (funnily enough) agreed. “We should stand on eachother’s shoulders, to reach that little window, then one of us can go through and help the others out.”

Should be "each other's". Also the first part of dialogue is awkwardly done. "'Agreed' said Artrak" will suffice; the used of the said bookism "agreed" twice is redundant and unecessary. 

The receptionist was staying there, however, by choice. A specially trained killer, in the employment of Reichenbach. It was her job to sneak explosives into the Council building.

[strikethrough]That is such a Deu Ex Machina...[/strikethrough] Really, however, we weren't given the slightest hint that the receptionist was off. You just threw it at us. As for plot, very good, although the jailbreak could have been more actiony. Hopefully good ol'Marendar will put some overdue action sequences in here. 

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#118 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 26 2012 - 12:43 AM

Thankyou.I know, I do that sometimes.Actually, look back. When Frustro had to leave, the receptionist stayed.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

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"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

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slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#119 Offline Onarax

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Posted Apr 27 2012 - 05:43 AM

ARKRAK. NOT ARTRAK FISHY.Anyway, someone will die eh?It's totally going to be Arky.Also, seems like Frustro isn't very villainous.
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#120 Offline slawth

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Posted Apr 27 2012 - 01:27 PM

ARKRAK. NOT ARTRAK FISHY.Anyway, someone will die eh?It's totally going to be Arky.Also, seems like Frustro isn't very villainous.

Don't call her Fishy.Yup.You'll have to wait and see.Not in the slightest.

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all





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