So, this probably won't get noticed, and if this were on any other topic I'd follow that up with 'but I don't really care'. Honestly though, I do, and I am deeply ashamed of that.

For whatever reason, I have always wanted people to pay attention to me. And not like your usual acknowledging someone exists kind of attention - I want people to be interested in the things I do, even when the things I do aren't interesting. I've been trying to tone this element of my personality down, but it's still there, just hanging around telling me that I should do stuff to make people notice me. Worse again, since I feel an inclination toward doing weird stuff anyway, I'm never sure even within myself if I'm doing something because I want to do it or because I want attention.

I want other people to pay attention to me. I want other people to like me and to shower me with praise. I have a lot of problems with paranoia as soon as I get this attention, though, and unfortunately they end up being right often enough to make me scared of attention. I don't know why I'm simultaneously scared of attention and really want it. I'm scared of being around people and scared of being alone, as well. I'm not great with the whole consistency gig.

Since being attention-seeking is not a particularly nice trait, I'm always trying to disguise it when it comes up. But I do feel the need to show off. I could easily just write in my own time, show a friend or two, feel a little proud of myself. Instead I write on a website, put banners and links in my signature, post links on my blog, ask all my friends to read it, and I always showcase it as 'look at this cool thing I made' rather than its actual meaning of 'look how cool I am, please pay attention to me'. Even the people who I already know care about me regardless are affected by this. I need to show off, I need to be different. Any time social interactions are going on, I have to be the strangest person in the room, because that's how you get people's attention, the attention that I crave and am terrified of. And, in all honesty, I'm making this blog entry so people will pay attention to it and pay attention to me, and I don't know to what degree that makes me a horrible person. And that last sentence was deliberately structured to get people's pity up so that they would pay attention to me and tell me I'm not an awful human being, and no matter how hard I try to stop I just keep doing the things that I think will make people look at me. I can't give a proper ending to this blog entry, since it's just me ranting about myself. I'm an attention-seeker who is terrified of attention, and overall just pretty great at life.

(as a general rule, though, I do not lie in order to get other people's attention. There are lines)

- Indigo Individual