Just replace Spy with Parisian and you've got one from me. B)

What do you call a man hanging on the wall? Art.

What do you call a dog who doesn't stop wandering? Rover.

Whilst the joke is important, delivery is key. You can make a bad joke good if you have the knack of telling it right.

- Tilius

Whilst the joke is important, delivery is key. You can make a bad joke good if you have the knack of telling it right.

 

- Tilius

Dude, I've had YEARS of experience telling jokes.

Good! Search for Harry Hill's standup. Though I'm not sure everybody would like it.

Jack Dee is also good.

But as for actual 1-line jokes....I got nothing. Nothing that'll be funny unless it's said right, anyway.

- Tilius

Are Blonde Jokes welcome?

Are Blonde Jokes welcome?

YES.

How do you sink a submarine full of dummies? Knock on the door.

Why did the boy go to sleep wearing a life jacket? He slept on a waterbed.

Why did the man sleep on a lamp? He was a light sleeper.

-Z-

How do you sink a submarine full of dummies? Knock on the door.

THAT ONE. Oh my Allah, that's a keeper!

A man walks into a bar. A second man walks into the same bar. The third man ducks.

Did you hear the one about the deaf man? Yeah, me neither.

Wanna hear a joke? Me too.

Blonde Jokes:

How do you kill a blonde?

Hand her a knife and ask her what time it is

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool and ask her what flavor it is

How do you remove a blondes brain?

Take her purse

American Jokes:

Only in America do we have Handicap parking outside of an ICE SKATING RINK

Only in America does every purchase follow "Would you like fries with that"

Only in America can you visit the worlds Greatest marvels in one city

You might be a Red Neck if:

Your house has a parking break

Your Family Tree is a circle

more later, g2g

OH Man... theres a ton out there. here's a good series that my brother tried to tell me. even though I had already heard it.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

You open the door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

you open the door, pull out the giraffe, put in the elepant, and close the door.

The Lion, king of the jungle, calls a meeting of all animals. which animal doesn't come?

The elephant. ('cause he's still in the fridge!)

Last one: This is your last chance to redeem yourself.

You come to a river in the amazon. there is a sign that says that the river is infested with crocodiles. how do you get across?

you swim. the crocs are all at the king's meeting.

Are Blonde Jokes welcome?

YES.

 

«Takuma Nuva»

Well, in that case:

There's a Red-head, a Blonde, and a Brunette. They go up to this mirror, and if you tell the mirror a lie it will suck you in.

So the Brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world!" and the mirror sucks her in.

Then the red-head goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." and it sucks her in.

The Blonde walks up to the mirror, and says "I think..." and the mirror sucks her in.

Sev

Ask me if I'm an orange.

Are you an orange?

Pfft, no.

96% of people will not get that joke. The other 4% will get that there is nothing to get and so will find it funny.

I have a few jokes that i think are hilarious, but can`t be said on BZPower.

And i have ALOT that are only really usable on Danish...

these two realitives are why i am a succesful joker of my class.... that, and my larger mind-dictionary.

Those jokes are horrible.

No offense intended, but really? If you want to go be a comedian of any sort, you shouldn't go to the internet for a thrice-regurgitated joke.

Funny comes from your own take on life. A dog try to follow you home? Tell that, and be sure to embellish it a bit - tell them how you jumped a fence, swam through a lake, came home, only for it to have followed you, because it was a birthday gift and left at your school to surprise you.

Elk ram your car? Tell that story.

Like this, for example.

So, the other day, I was watching TV. Then it cuts to commercial for a movie. The premise was pretty cool. We've got Bruce Willis doing all sorts of awesome things, like the guy he is. Then it cuts to this bit:

 

NEW YORK'S TOUGHEST COP GETS A PARTNER

 

Tracy Morgan. Then it transformed into a comedy. All the while, I was thinking:

 

OHGOD DIE HARD WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT AT 3

 

Then it cut to the title: Cop Out.

 

My thought? Oh.

 

Of course, later, I realized that Die Hard was in LA.

A man is walking in the desert when he finds a lamp. He rubs it, and out comes a genie. 'For freeing me,' he says. 'You may have 3 wishes.'

The man thinks for a minute, and says 'I wish I had a new car!'

POOF! Out of nowhere appears this shiny new Ferrari F-1. The man is pleased.

He thinks again. 'I wish for a billion dollars!'

Again, POOF! Sacks of money appear next to the car. The man is even happier. He thanks the genie, and begins to drive off with his money. As he's driving, he sings along with the radio.

'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener...'

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool and ask her what flavor it is

No, you glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool.

Ok, two blonds go for a drive (they've got a Mustang, lucky ducks). They go wherever they need to go, do whatever they need to do, and come out to their car. Then they realize OH NOEZ, we locked our keys in the car! Around this time, two things happen: 1) one of them start to pick the lock. and 2) it starts to rain. So the one not picking the lock goes, "hurry up. IT's raining--and the top is down."

Oh, and for this joke:

How do you sink a submarine full of dummies? Knock on the door.

THAT ONE. Oh my Allah, that's a keeper!

 

«Takuma Nuva»

Swap out "dummies" for "Blondes".

-Z-

A blonde turns her car in to a mechanic to get the dents out. The mechanic is not in the mood to fix it himself, so he tries to get her out.

"Listen," he says, "if you blow in the exhaust pipe, all the dents will come out."

So the blonde takes her car back to her garage and starts blowing in the pipe. Her roommate, another blonde, asks "What are you doing?"

"I took my car to a car repair guy and he said if you blow in the pipe all the dents would come out."

"Well, that won't work!" the roommate responds. "The windows are down!"

Let's say there is a 10 mile (or Kilo, wherever you are at; doesn't effect it much) bridge somewhere. Let's say that this bridge can hold exactly 10 tons, not one ounce more. A truck ventures on this bridge weighing exactly 10 tons. Half way across, a bird weighing 6 ounces lands on the bridge, but it doesn't collapse. Why?

Answer: (Highlight to see)

It burned off that much fuel going across the bridge.

Another one: There is Momma Bull, Daddy Bull, and Baby Bull. Baby Bull gets scared. Who does he run to?

Answer:

Daddy Bull. There is no Momma Bull!

Here is another one, on a slightly darker note:

Two men go into a shop and order the exact same drink, which is ice tea. The first man drinks it in 5 minutes and leaves. The second man takes an hour to drink, then leaves. Later, because of the drink, the second man was found dead, and the first was not. Why?

Answer:

There was poison in the ice. Since the second man took longer, the ice melted and leaked into his drink.

Well, those are some of my best. Hope you like them!

.:Shadix:.

I definitely like those, Shadix, but those are more along the lines of "brain teasers" than jokes.