Mare Tranquillitatis

^ A Spartan III, actually. *takes off boring mood*He's attackin' me? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Zacax with... Zacax?

Pony demon! Them bronies.

Yeah, I'd say that one too. I think people has done so much noise for a simple movie. I can't see any masterpiece in it, as many described it.Also, The expendables had many bad things, first of all Sylvester Stallone with his nearly move-less face,due to surgery. Liked it, but I'd say it's a B-series movie. Low quality, IMO.

I see your point, butSo, the choice depends much on how the player feels "related" to a side. Each of the two have good and bad points.

Going for the easiest approach, huh?Me, I sided with Stormcloaks. I hate Imperials. They wanted to kill me and I didn't like that. I'm quite a revengeful guy. And I also don't like Thalmors, they're really annoying with their arrogance. Everytime I cross them while they're escorting some prisoner I feel the intense desire to kill them just because of their words.Therefore, Stormcloaks.

Oh, okay. So, I'd say my favorite online game is Insectonator: Zombie Mode, a flash game. It's lots of fun, IMO.

Uhm, one question, Elemental Ussal: by online game, do you mean also flash-games or just MMO thingies and stuff?

I dunno. I can only remember I've always had a huge amount of old LEGO sets, which I shared with my brothers, given to us by a friend of my parents. However, if it's being asked "your very own and very first LEGO set", I'd say a Star Wars set with C3-PO in it and two robot thingies, but I can't remember how it was called nor why did I buy it: I've never been so much interested in Star Wars, and never seen one of the movies. But, yeah, I think that's it. Or maybe Pohatu Mata?

Glass.

Him.

Start.

Go.

Two.

Treebeard.

Blackbird.

Wow, cyborg dude?

They're very good and I can't see ant cons apart from picture quality. I'd gladly see more insects like these, I think you did an excellent job: they look highly... insectoid. Gah. So obvious. (-.-)"Whatever. Very good job, nice idea, cool quality, no flaws IMO, only con is picture quality: you earn an overall 9.8/10. Liked them very much and go on MOCing this way!

Well, I'd like to start practising somethin' with shurikens and/or katanas, but I don't think I'll ever find someone teaching such things in my zone.

Happy birthday!

Are you referring to Gondolin's story? If yes, part of story is.If not, well, it may be because I've read it three times and I'm strongly inspired by Tolkien works. Yes, there's indeed much of him in my jobs.

enthusiastic “See you later, kids. *a few grenades explode*I read through this story four times and skimmed it a fifth time, because I wanted to feel the action as you intended it. This may actually be one of the least enjoyable short stories I've ever encountered. Not in the whole library, per se, as I'm sure there are plenty of bombs that get posted that I never have time to read, but just in my experience on BZP. So let's run through the faults I encountered and I'll work on the fixing parts later.First off, why is a Bionicle-based story using Earth months? Or a human word like "kids" that has no place (or definition, really) in a place like Spherus Magna? At least, I assume that's the planet this all takes place on. If not for the mention of "New Atero" in the opening, I would've assumed this was some kind of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare story (with more explosions than a Michael Bay film) that belongs in COT. Actually, because your mention of New Atero is so casual, I had a hard time reminding myself not to picture these were humans in combat, despite how that image kept coming up.And then there's everything the script fails to explain. Like, who or what are these soldiers fighting? Are the soldiers even Glatorian and/or Agori? What are Spirits and what do they look like? I'm not concerned with the answers to those questions now. I would've liked them to be in your story, not in the inevitable reply this critique is sure to get. As a rule, if you think you'll have to explain something later, just describe it in the story. As a writer, you're only as confined as you think you are.It's hard to get a sense of your characters in this script. Mostly because they all feel like clichés in a war movie or, as I mentioned prior, a war video game. Either way, I think you wanted them to be more believable than they are. You want me to believe they are the task force for the job, but here's the problem: I believe that you believe you. And that's not enough. They have the military jargon, and some of the classic attitudes (the fearless leader, the trigger happy grunt, the detail-oriented joker, etc.), but just because you can talk the talk, doesn't mean you can walk the walk. And these guys need to learn to crawl first.A writer is an entertainer of sorts, for several minutes or several days depending on how long it takes to read through the material, it is the job of a writer to connect with the audience. On one hand, we can debate the sanctity of creative freedom and why an artist should stay true to their work, never compromising for what others want, but there's a line. I feel that being adamant about your work is earned, not granted. From the entertainment perspective, you need to develop enough of an audience to be able to earn a style that works. Since you seem to merely be experimenting here, I don't want to outright deter you from doing another script, but at the same time, that's precisely what I want. Again, I'll come back to this.In my personal list of do's and don'ts as a writer, all caps in words is something I retired a while back. It has been said a good writer doesn't need italics. I'm not there yet, but I've moved beyond all caps words. With the right description, with the right detail, your words will speak for themselves as strongly in lowercase as they would all capitalized. Mainly because caps lock in writing like this just comes off as very, very unprofessional.So now we get to the fixing part I promised you. I've seen some of your earlier work and for the sake of this critique, let's compare that work to an egg and we'll call this story an egg sandwich. There was a lack of depth in terms of character, detail, and plot there, so it's as if you haven't quite gotten the hang of cooking an egg and now you're trying to jump straight into making an egg sandwich. You still need to know how to make an egg, but now there's a great deal more to be done so that your work is…proficient, shall we say?I guess what I've been building up to is how you need to slow down, really step back and look at your work and make sure the flow matches how you're imagining it. I saw your previous work, I saw potential there, but I think this script idea is you biting off more than you can chew right now. That's not to say I don’t commend a little experimenting with writing, but you have to be willing to own up and say, "this isn't my best work" when you know it's true. Don't think I haven't been there before, I have. A lot. This writing thing, it's a game of practice makes better, not perfect. Writing isn't about perfect, it's about creating a style that allows you and your audience to synchronize with one another so both sides experience the same thing. So if nothing else, I hope you've gained experience from this, from me, and from yourself. Pace yourself, and keep at it.-Ced But that's very human style. I think this story, if you were going military transcript and all, is probably better for that anyway (I don't know of any formal Bionicle military)- just go with the flow and give it the human characters it needs. Any Bionicle military or intergalactic travel needs a bit more backstory than you have included here. I wouldn't drop the script/military transcript style entirely, if that's what you want, but understand that it works better for humans than Matoran. Keep that in mind and you should be good.Thanks to both for your reviews. Now, to explain something.The military thing was intended to be explained in the future epic, but, well, it seems like I've got to say it here: this was meant to be an alternate universe, where Glatorian and Toa culture is very advanced, both technologically and mentally. Seen the results, I think I should write somehting about it...I can't correct "Cya" because I wanted to give the characters a friend-like behavior. You see, wars have always been described as dark and unfriendly ( indeed they are ), so I wanted to represent the other side, where people still smile and laugh and joke, yet conscious of death and destruction war brings. I wanted to give a reality-like gradual discovery of what happened, just like an archaelogist who finds a piece of a Roman artifact here and another there, if you get what I mean.I wouldn't call caps lock unprofessional in this work, it's just a different style of writing, even if it seems I'm not so good at it. I can't cancel them, as it wouldn't be convincing on me, but I'll work a little bit more on this SS to fix these imperfections. However, I guess I'll be going back to classic style.I'm aware this was something beyond my skills - that's why I called it an experiment - and that I've done a step longer than the leg. Therefore, I'm conscious this isn't my best job. To be honest, I was doubtful about this and I thought this was gonna be sort of a "kamikaze attack". I always had a bad feeling about this and it seems those doubts were confirmed.I hope I answered everything, but if something is still clear contact me the way you prefer to.I'm really obliged to both of you for your precious feedback and your important tips.Because a writer is nothing without readers.

Thanks to you for having been so fast!

But... Wasn't Agnareth a Glatorian? o_OAnyways, thanks for the compliments. I'm happy that you liked this and hope next will be even better.

Assigned to Cederak, but please use the proper requesting format next time as outlined in the main post. Oh, whoops, sorry. Fixing that, if possible.EDIT: Done! Sorry again, I was writing fast.