SkyLandOceAnna

I agree with Oneiromancer. I think a background story would've been good placed in your story. Maybe you could continue on with the story and add a little background with another meeting point of theirs in the future. You could also explain the mission that was unsuccessful. I am curious as to what her mission was this time, but otherwise I did like the story, and the title was a good decision. Thank you!

Thank you for continuing your story. I like where this is heading and how all the students seem like they will be working together on Matt's idea. It's nice to have friends to help you with your vision or a dream someone has, whether it be through fundraising or support for a future career choice or the decision to join in the army or make a difference. Looking forward to the next chapter.

*Just something I thought of and wrote quickly. All comments considered and appreciated. Thank you! Courage and braveryAre seen and lived.No one knows when they’ll be called uponIn this dangerous and beautiful worldTil that moment with your strength is necessaryAnd then yourLife will begin anew.Kicking adrenaline to the surfaceThe worldOnce known will be changed.You are needed.Only you can do what must be done.Using your newfound powerAn action will occurTaking fear away with just one lookSince a miracle has happened Creating a new opportunityHaving a new pathOpened up for youOn which the future remains brightLeaving the past but remembering the oldJust knowingOnce you leave hereHappiness has given you aNew life to protect and love.

Whitney: Leah! Leah: Hey! She walks up to the others. Leah: I'm sorry you guys! It’s just that this came along so fast and I was afraid, but it's our job to protect the Earth! I know I haven't known you guys very long at all, but I feel like I've met you before and I wanna protect you as well. Tina: We're glad you came back Leah. Amy: Yeah! Leah: So you mentioned I could fly. How do I fly? Tina: You first need to activate your ring. Press the middle jewel. All of you need to do the same. They all press the jewels and then they shine. You then a bright light surround them in their color and then see them in a new outfit. Whitney: Cool! These are awesome. Emma: Yeah they are. Whitney: They're all different in color, but the same outfit. Amy: So? We are a team. Whitney: So... I'm changing mine. Felicia: Me too. But how? Tina: Just turn the jewel in your ring. Whitney: Cool! Turn yours twice so they're different. Felicia: Alright. Whitney: Same time. One. Two. Three. Whitney pushes it once, while Felicia pushes it twice. Lights shine around them and soon you see their new outfits. Leah: Better? Whitney: Yeah! Much better and cuter too. Felicia: Uh-huh! Leah: Ok, now what do we do? Tina: Whitney, Felicia, Amy, and Emma need to just point or use your hands and think and feel what you want. Don't try anything yet, though. I don't want anyone set on fire or drowning. Felicia and Whitney look at each other and grin. Leah: What about me? Tina: For your force field, you need to hold up your hands or stare at the oncoming force, and to fly you need only to think about it and feel yourself lifting off the ground. Leah: That's it, but it's so simple. Tina: I know and it's easy to remember once you get the hang of it. Go ahead! Leah: Yeah, there's one problem. Tina: What's that? Leah: I'm afraid of heights. Tina: Then you don't have to fly that high. You can start out close to the ground and then slowly increase your height until your comfortable with it. Trust me, you'll be able to conquer this fear easier than you might think. Leah: Ok, here it goes! Leah closes her eyes and concentrates. Suddenly a pair of wings begin to come from her back, but they aren't that big. Leah: Did I do it? Whitney: Well you're not flying, but you got something to help with that. Leah: What? Amy: Yeah, but they are so small. Leah: What are you guys talking about? She opens her eyes. Emma: What's wrong with her mom? Tina: There's nothing wrong. She has to practice to make them bigger. She looks at the small wings protruding from her back. Leah: You mean these will get bigger. Tina: In time, yes. Emma: Try them out Leah. Leah: Um...Ok! She closes her eyes and then her wings begin flap and she rises in the air. She then opens her eyes. Leah: Oh my goodness! I'm flying! I'm actually flying! Cool! She begins to fly around the room. Whitney: Wow! I wish I could fly too. Tina: You can. Whitney: How? I thought only Leah could do that. Emma: Yeah? How? Amy: All of us? Felicia: Me too. Tina: Leah can raise you with her power so you can fly too. All of you. Whitney: Cool! So me first. Leah: Ok, but won't I have to be grounded to do that? Tina: No, you just need to concentrate on them now. It should just become natural to you now. Those rings just held your powers until it was time for you to need them. The more you practice, the less you'll even need to wear them. Just start them off low and then allow them to get higher like you did, okay? Leah: Okay? Here goes nothing. She faces her hands towards Whitney and she begins to lift off the ground. Whitney: Whoa! This is sweet! Hey! Move me around! Leah: Which direction? Whitney: To that far wall and back. She flies her to the wall and back. Whitney: That was so much fun. Let's fly around together Leah. Leah: What about the others? Felicia: Yeah, what about us? Leah: Can I do that Tina? Tina: I don't see why not Leah. If you think you're strong enough, than you can, but you can't doubt yourself. Eventually, you'll be able to allow them to fly without having to concentrate on them. Leah: How's that? Tina: I'll show you when the time comes. Leah: Ok! Here it goes! She concentrates and everyone begins to rise off the ground slightly. She then gives up and only Whitney and she are left in the air. Leah: I'm sorry guys! Emma: That's alright. You're not used to your powers. You've only had them for an hour. Amy: She's right. We don't blame you. Let's try our powers now. Tina: Yes! We need to get you all use to them. Before we start, Leah would you get a fire extinguisher? Leah: Sure. Leah lets Whitney down and flies to the extinguisher room and lands and picks one up. Whitney: Show off! Felicia: We will get to show off soon enough, Whit. Leah walks out of the room with the extinguisher. Whitney: What? No more flying. Leah: It took me a little bit to get use to it, but I think I'll be able to handle it now. Tina: Who shall we start with? Felicia: Oh, me! Tina: Alright, but first we need something to aim at. Felicia: But what? Tina: This room is bare for a reason. This is the training room. Emma, will you please go into the computer room and grab the first controller on the table. Emma: Ok mom! Emma goes into the room and grabs the first controller of three from the table. Tina: Thank you! Now, this controller will allow me to prepare you for the battle. Each of the buttons on here will activate a training tool according to each of your powers. Felicia: How do we know which button is for which power. Tina: How do you think? Emma: Color. Tina: Are you ready Felicia? Felicia: Yes. What do I need to do? Tina: Aim and concentrate. Are you ready with the extinguisher Leah? Leah: Yeah! Tina pushes the red button and a pile of logs come out of the floor near them. Felicia: Logs? Tina: Like I said. There are three controllers. They each represent a different level. This is level one. Now, I want for you to try and start a fire. Are you ready? She aims her hands towards the log pile, fire comes out, she screams as the fire circles around her and then it hits the logs. Felicia: I did it! Tina: Leah! Leah puts out the fire. Tina: Good job Felicia! Felicia: Thanks! I can't believe it. Whitney: Yeah, except it hit me when it went flying around. Felicia: Oh, I'm so sorry! I couldn't control it. Tina: Actually, it has taken the previous fire starters the full week to achieve a fire swirl. Felicia: Wow! I'm a fire starter! What other moves do I have? Amy: And what are ours? Whitney: Yeah! Tina: Sorry girls, but you're going to have to figure those out for yourselves. I am not going through all of them. Now, it's your turn Emma. She pushes the brown button and a pile of dirt comes up from the floor. Emma: What am I supposed to do with a pile of dirt? Tina: I planted seeds in the soil. I want you to focus your energy on the seeds and make them grow. Emma: What are they going to become? Tina: You'll see. She raises her hands over the soil and the ground begins to shake. It splits from her feet to the dirt pile and then a bunch of lilies rise from it. Amy: They're lilies. Emma: Thanks mom, they’re my favorite. Whitney: Those are beautiful. Emma: I'm sorry about the floor. Tina: Don't worry. That was a good ground split. You should use that move for the final battle. Emma: A ground split. Sweet! Tina: Ok! Are you ready Amy? Amy: Let's hope so. Tina pushes the gray button and a huge fan comes out in front of them. Amy: A fan. Ok, this looks simple. Tina: Don't be so sure. She raises her hands and concentrates, but nothing happens. Amy: I'll try again. She tries again, but nothing. Amy: Come on fan! She thinks for a minute and kneels down in front of the fan. Amy: Phfffffff! The fan then begins to spin really fast and it blows towards the others. It throws them from the ground into the air, which causes Leah to create a force field instinctively, fire to come from Felicia's hands onto the lilies and water from Whitney's that extinguishes the fire. Amy then turns the fan away from them and the girls begins to scream and descend, except for Leah who stops herself. She faces her hands towards them and concentrates really hard until they stop a foot from the ground. She becomes tired from it, drops them on the floor, and then slowly descends onto the floor. Everyone, except Leah, stands up. Tina: Amy! You need to concentrate now and stop the fan. She nods her head, closes her eyes, and the fan turns off. They then look at Leah. Amy: Your wings. Leah: What? She turns slightly to see that they have increased slightly in size. Emma: Wow! Tina: You learned to control your power to help keep the others from falling and Amy now doesn't have to use her hands to activate her power, just her mind. Are you alright Leah? Leah: Yeah! I'm just really tired. Emma and Amy help her up. Tina: You did real well. The weakness you felt was because you weren't use to it and when you lift three other persons besides yourself, it tends to weaken someone, but don't worry you'll get it. You did great, which is why the size of your wings increased. You guys are progressing well. Leah: Yeah and now I can use my force field. Tina: And Whitney can use her water abilities. Your first level is now complete. You learned to work together, even if it was accidentally. Now we really need to get back to the store. Felicia: How come? Tina: Because it is a mess up there and since you now know how to use your powers, you can use them to clean up the store faster. Felicia: Well, not all of us, unless you want all the cds burnt. Whitney: Or water damaged. Tina: Then you two can finish the inventory. As for the rest of you, it will be like training. You may learn something new that you can do with your powers. Amy: I already found something new. Look! They look at Amy and see her making her bracelet fly in the air. Amy: I'm just like Leah. She then raises herself in the air and spins around. Leah: Except you spin. Emma: Like a tornado. Tina: That is called a twister. Amy: Cool! Tina: Now let's go back up. They go up one by one: Tina, Whitney, Emma,... Amy: You and I can use our powers to get up. Leah: Maybe we shouldn't. At least until we are stronger with our powers. ...Amy, and Leah. You then see them back in the store.

The ending shocked me. I was not expecting that. Good job! The story was good and I think you accomplished what you set out to create with it. The only thing I got as far as criticism besides the twilight part Cederak mentioned, was that you had too many adverbs. I'm not sure if you were using them to reach a work limit or not, but if you can go without, my recommendation is 'do it.' Your biggest towards the end there was 'truly.' You used it twice as the statement 'truly knew peace' and then again shortly after, referring to the place where she was presently in all three of them. Now I'm not saying all the adverbs were unnecessary, but some of them were. The last two paragraphs seemed to contain the most and not all were needed in your story. However, I loved the story, especially with the twist at the end and the flashback to just minutes before she went to the place where 'she truly knew peace.' I look forward to your next short story. Thank you!

Now I know I marked quite a few things down on your story, but this are just my opinions to make the story more to the way I would have written it. As I previously mentioned, the meaning behind the story and the imagery you depicted in your story made it great and even without 'my corrections', I very much enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Thank you!

You did great on your descriptions thoughout your story. I could picture the attic with the overstuffed boxes, dust covering everything, the stairs one climbs to reach it with that rope-looking cord hanging from it, and the bright light from outside filling the room. Now, thanks to another BZPer, I have got into the habit of noticing how many adverbs people use and thinking about whether or not they are necessary or useful in each short story or epic I read. In your story, I noticed some that I wouldn't deem necessary to your story: 1. I climbed out of the portal completely, pulling myself up with my arms. - Since they climbed out, I think we can assume they did it 'completely,' otherwise a mentioning of being stuck or just peering could be used. 2. I finally looked down to see the grassy fields that surrounded our country home, a dirt path leading into the woods and beyond… - For this one, I don't think 'finally' is needed because it is just something that was done after looking at the sky. If you were meaning he 'finally' looked away from the sky that he was so mesmerized by, then I think it would work better, but it would need to be stated to get that effect. Besides noticing all the adverbs, my only other thing I would say needs changed, is the boy's age. You said he was 8 and that a couple years previous to his present, he remembered his parents discussing World War II, but I think that many kids at age 6 wouldn't pay too much attention to their parents saying something like that and then remembering it two years later. When I was that age, all I cared about was playing, watching tv, and drawing or coloring. Now this can be open for debate, so this is just my opinion. In the overall picture, disregarding my comments, I do like your story as I mentioned. Kids tend to be mischevious and curious, so this shows that well. I also like the 'treasure' idea you played with. I have found my number of hidden treasures in my home. I remembered about the hidden shelf in the top of my closet and found some old pencils, crayons, and even a picture there. I even looked again more recently and found my calculator from high school that I thought I misplaced. Also, when I pulled out and looked underneath the drawers below my closet, I found a baby spoon of ours and some cards from past holidays and birthdays. Everyone treasures something different and has stories behind each treasure. So I hope you are able to extend more onto your story and allow us to see what treasures lie inside that chest and maybe the father could be back and share that moment with him. Thank you!

I think you've written a unique story...one that I could definitely picture. I could see the father sitting there with greasy hair and being very overweight, with folds peering out of each opening of his clothes. I see him toss back the salt shaker as if he was taking a shot of some sort of alcoholic beverage. I found your analogy of comparing salt to serious stories and pepper to comical stories very interesting. In real life when someone gets pepper up their nose and they sneeze crazily, it is pretty funny, though it shouldn't be. Then when people consume large amounts of salt, then some serious health issues arise. Overall though, it was written well, and definitely makes me want to watch how much salt I consume. I really only put a little salt on my potatoes or corn, but I tend to use more pepper than salt anyways. Thank you!

Every household has what they consider their own Christmas traditions. Some go out of town to visit relatives, some stay home, and some go on vacations somewhere warm. Then there is the other traditional Christmas stuff. You hang the stockings, decorate the tree and house, cook turkey or ham or roast, you put the present under the tree, fill the stockings, and maybe read ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas’ or watch a Christmas movie. Every family does something different, which changes as they age or create their own family household traditions, and The Collins family was no different. There was mom, dad, Kaleigh (17), and Gabriel (14). Every year for Christmas, they had something special they did with their gifts to one another, and it all dealt with the bows. Kaleigh got purple bows on all her presents, Gabriel got silver bows, mother got blue bows, and father got green bows. They did this based on their favorite colors, which have changed over the years for the kids, but the parents’ colors remained the same. This year, just like the previous ones, they wrapped their gifts to each, and placed on the bows. They never used gift tags, just bows. When they woke up, they gathered around the tree and passed out each other’s gifts, giving the correct color to the correct person. They opened their gifts. Sometimes screams of joy would be heard, sometimes laughter, and sometimes just a simple ‘thank you (insert person here)’. After they were all done, the children began picking up wrappers, and when they had everything bagged up and there things were taken to their rooms, they returned to the living room. Their parents were still sitting on the love seat, but something was different. Mom had a big white ribbon with pink dots on it, ending in a big pink bow, around her midsection. There was also a pink gift tag, hanging off of the ribbon, and a pink bow about where her belly button would be and pink bows on the floor and in her hair. Kaleigh asked what was with the bows and ribbon and gift tag. Daddy took the gift tag off of mommy and handed it to Kaleigh. She quickly brought her hand to her smiling mouth and began sobbing. Gabriel asked why she was crying even though he knew why. She handed him the tag and it was as he suspected. The gift tag read: Do Not Open Until August 12, 2013. He brought the tag down to his side, and Kaleigh and Gabriel hurried over to their mother. They hugged her and she returned the warm embrace of her children. Congratulations and celebration filled the rest of their Christmas day and the excitement for next Christmas, in which they would add a new bow to their special family tradition. Any and all comments appreciated and accepted. Thank you!

Originally, I expected #1 to possibly be Amy Pond or River Song, due to you liking Doctor Who. Since you mentioned liking this person before Chloe Sullivan, I tried thinking of older ones, and so far I found five possibilities: 1. Ellen Ripley(Sigourney Weaver): Alien 2. Catwoman(Michelle Pfeiffer): Batman Returns 3. Leeloo(Milla Jovovich): The Fifth Element 4. Princess Leia Organa(Carrie Fischer): Star Wars Trilogy 5. Jordan O'Neill(Demi Moore): G.I. Jane

@ Ballum: Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the recognition for this short poem. I don't know why I thought of it; it was just something I thought up in a few minutes. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond!

From the mountains high To the ocean’s floor Or higher in the atmosphere Lives creatures we all adore Some slime or slither Some walk or crawl Some swing or hang From branches in forests so tall Still they all live together Even though some are dangerous And some are less than cute But can be carnivorous Some are near extinction They are endangered They just want a chance to live on They just need to be heard.

You did real well on this story. I hate how true this story is. People always go after the families of those who did them wrong because they want to make that person suffer for causing them suffering, even though they were in the wrong. I wish things like this didn't happen, but they do, and there seems to be nothing that can be done to change it. Although the main character was in the wrong too, because of how he appears to have placed his work above his loved ones, and even though he was hurting them because of where his priorities lied, he was hurting himself more. Too bad it wasn't realized before the tragedy that befell him.

This is the review page to my epic I wrote several years ago titled The Elementals....All comments and questions can be placed here. I'll be sure to post links to each section of my story. Thank you! part #1:http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=7347&p=440299 part #2:http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=7900&p=475897 part #3:http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=7900&p=478668 part #4:http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=7900&p=479229

I would like to continue expanding on this one as well. I appreciate any help you can give on it. TY.

Your story was well written. As the above members mentioned, you went from past to present reality smoothly, and the way both realities led to the same ending was brilliantly done. I look forward to more works from you in the future.

Very interesting. Seems like a great prologue to something else.

That is brilliant. You have some great artistic ability. I really like your design and color scheme. Great job! I hope to see more of your work!