Basically, for me, being aware of my orientation and choosing to remain closeted at a young age has put a damper on literally every personal relationship I have ever formed. I'm still not out to my parents, and I love my family (despite me being angsty). I'm more or less convinced at this point that coming out to them would change things. There are loads of people telling people like me stuff like "haters gonna hate" and "don't let them get to you" but when someone problematic is that close to me, honestly, it makes things challenging. And when I don't know how someone will react to my orientation, then this really horrible thing happens: I doubt. My brain goes into overdrive and I think of every potentially horrible thing they could do to hurt me. I will say this again, I love my family. But the truth is, if I told them right now, things would be bad for both them and me, to put it lightly. It gets to the point where I feel the need to map out a battle plan to tell them about a part of my identity. I need to use tact and keep my wits about me just to communicate a part of my identity to my family. And honestly? It's stressful. I find myself wishing my situation could resemble that of a majority; an orientation that was considered normalized. If I were the norm, though (heterosexual) then that would be the equivalent to sacrficing a part of my integrity and personal identity. That isn't an option for me. I'm having such a hard time dealing with all of this that honestly, I don't want to tell my parents to spare them from everything I am dealing with. And there is more to it than just that, there are also selfish reasons, but I'll digress.
So, if that was the idea they were going with; a character that put up a stiff upper lip but also longed for a life that was socially considered "normal" then it's true that I could probably relate to that character on some level. The issue with that is, what character representation do I consider I have as a gay man with this in mind?
There's Danny Phantom. He kept a secret from his parents who were prejudiced against a part of his identity. I can relate to him to a point on some level. The moment where Jazz told Danny that she was there for him, and that even if he thought she wouldn't understand, he could tell her anything. Take notes people; you never know who is closeted and who needs support (and I need to follow that advice because honestly I kinda suck at this myself). Though, he was shipped with Wes. He was also half ghost and could turn intangible and fly.
There's Aang; a protagonist who suffered a personal loss and initially kept his identity as the Avatar a secret. He did it because the airbending kids treated him differently after they knew he was the Avatar. He also valued pacifistic means even when he faced the Big Bad. Respect. Though, he was shipped with Katara. Also he grew up as a monk unlike me, and he was a master airbender by age twelve, was frozen for one hundred years and was besties with a giant two ton floating bison.
There's Lewa. He goofed up and messed up time after time. But he also learned and his experience has saved the toa and helped them to better understand their enemies. But he's a biomechanical robot with air powers that can't decide on which dialect to use.
There's Korra; a character who struggled and worked through a lot of personal issues (something I'm in the process of doing to seek help). Her orientation has also been confirmed to fit in the LGBT+ spectrum, which I personally find awesome. She also did master all four elements and has a light spirit living inside of her.
There's Mulan. She struggles with an inner image and fights for equal treatment and respect. But she's also a war hero that works with a travel-sized-for-her-convenience dragon.
There's also Katara who had suffered a personal loss and arguably allowed that loss combined with a betrayed trust to become prejudiced (against Zuko). Katara hated him. You know how Zuko handled it? He asked why and questioned how to fix the problem and did something about it. Even when Aang tried to talk her out of her revenge scheme, he acknowledged that it was a journey that she had to take, but pleaded her to reconsider and forgive the man that took her mother from her. And she never forgave him. But she was still able to move past it and forgave Zuko. And... that's the kind of character I truly admire because I see a lot of myself in that, especially during my life right now. It's like, finally a story was saying it's okay to break down, let it out and then move on. And that it didn't make me any less human to feel like Katara. Though, she is a waterbender and she did get kinda murderous.
There's Modern Family with Mitchel and Cameron. Mitchel has a few scenes with his personal relationship with his father, a less than progressive man. There are a few scenes that are way feelsy to me on that level. The fact that Mitchel and his father can coexist even while being on opposed sides is... it's not fantastic, arguably, seeing that my own situation could lead to (and likely will lead to imo) passive aggressive turmoil with my family over something like this, but the fact that there is an area of media that I consume that addresses that issue in a small way is... I don't even have the words for how happy that makes me feel. Cameron also deals with members of his family that are less than tolerant (his grandmother, iirc). But, look at that. I'm a single dude who has never had a relationship and I am also not a father, nor do I plan to have children.
These are just the characters that came to mind off the top of my head. I mean, to someone else who doesn't know my situation, this could sound like a whiny complaint. However, only two of these characters are gay men. Am I supposed to be content with the fact that only a handful of the characters I like share my orientation?
There's also a flip side to this: A lot of villain characters tend to have tragic backstories where life was unfair and they tried to change things (Like Kuvira. It's also why I personally love how Korra said she saw a lot of herself in Kuvira, and yet Korra considers everyone's best interests when trying to help change the world, unlike Kuvira). I could go on about this, but it's probably an entry for another day. I'm rambling way too much with this one as it is.
This all can sound very silly, even borderline stupid and nitpicky, but consider this: I am a person who, from a young age, has felt rejected by a number of things. The religion my parents follow arguably has a dogma against people like me. The opinions and preconceived notions my parents have formed by not supporting LGBT+ rights has lead me to doubt them (and it is a religion I feel they want me to follow, so that can make me feel like I'm simply not enough). The opinions from childhood friends who thought gays were something to be feared lead me to doubt them and myself, and so I cut ties. The bullies that picked on me for being overweight had lead to me doubting that I could ever be happy with my body type. The decision I made when I came out to my brothers has lead me to questioning whether or not they will out me to my parents. Coming out on this site has lead me to worry that I will merely be seen as a pedantic, complaining fool. It has also made me worry there will be people who will say I'm only pretending to be gay in order to reap the rewards of a handful of upvotes. I have worried, feared and stressed and felt a need to validate myself to all of these. And now I feel I have to turn around and do the same pedantics for character representation out of a sense of duty.
When talking about fictional works, there is an argument that "We're talking about a fictional story where x shoots y from their z. You are looking too far into this. You cannot relate to this situation because you are a and they are b."
Heck, I even remember a bunch of backlash when J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore was gay. Personally I think it's awesome to see a gay character in a popular story.
Know who were the ones with the backlash? The people nitpicking like me; what I'm doing right now.
This is my life. I see contradiction after contradiction and I feel the only way to move forward is to press on in some way, shape or form. It's exhausting, but if I don't start working on this, then what good am I ever going to be to anyone else? And that's my personal opinion. Not everyone needs to agree with it. But it's mine. I get to decide what I feel, I get to form my own opinions, and that is not an objective stance anyone else gets to decide. And my opinions are going to change with more information I take in. It's a life long process.
When talking about representation, I feel the need to use tact whenever I express an opinion on what I do and do not relate with. I already face that in almost every other aspect of my life because of my orientation. But, if I don't automatically fall in love completely with any scrap of representation I'm expected to relate to because of someone else's opinion (You're gay, they're gay, you should be relating, so stop complaining), then I am "whining" and "some people just can't be satisfied" and "oh, that's cute, the peanut gallery is complaining again."
A part of me is totally fed up with feeling a need to validate my existence for almost every aspect of my life. But giving up and quitting isn't going to help anyone.
Feminism is a movement that is working to fix this. Even if I can't catch a break on some level, it could mean the next kid with a similar situation to mine can be less stressed out over what I am stressing out about. The only way that is going to happen, in my opinion, is with proper communication of the issues. And I guess that's why I'm blogging this entry right now.
Am I a feminist? I question that, actually, like I question everything. Still, the more I look into the issues, the more educated I'll become, and the more my opinions will change. It's why I'm looking into LGBT+ literature right now to fill in an educational gap that I should have done the moment I realized my orientation was queer, imo.
So, comments on this entry will be allowed. However, I will filter comments on this entry because this is sensitive stuff here. Feel free to disagree and debate in a respectful tone (I actually encourage that), but please do not just get angry that my opinions don't match your own. Feel free to send me personal comments via PM, but just know I have every right to not care that you're upset with me, the same way you have every right to not care that I posted a blog entry.
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