Cederak

@Joev: Thank you. As I said above, some of the AI's dialogue is based in part on my natural speech. I think the task of taking my voice and adding a bit of a mechanical touch isn't impossible, though even if I didn't, I'm sure I'd have fun doing it. Anyway, thanks for reading. -Ced

Why not?Joev raises a good point. Ambage contest entry pieces can be modified up until we are no longer accepting entries. So you still have another week to make necessary changes.-Ced

How lucky are the Bahrag that their last resort plan encountered a Toa team that relied on physical objects to maintain their elemental powers? I mean, even Teridax got lucky when the Toa Hordika set him free, though that situation felt much less convenient. Anyway, this wasn't a bad effort. Much like with the first installment of this eight piece series, I think you outdid yourself once again. But, y'know…in a self-defeating kind of way. Spelled "ado" and "rhymes." I know it's not part of the actual story, but…yeah. Spelled "whose." This dragged the sentence out. Remove it or separate it - your call.Also, you misspelled Nuhvok and Lehvak each time you wrote it. A Ctrl+F hunt will help you find the errors.What is it about the Bohrok that made Bionicle fans enjoy them more than the Rahi? Much like Teridax in 2002/2003, they were cloaked in mystery. People like mystery - it reminds us of the ever-present darkness in life and the fear of the unknown. So when I see you start to throw out words like "Super Bohrok" and "Neutradermis" so casually, well, I think I'm justifiably frustrated. As much as I appreciate the curiosity born from something like leaving a thick sheet over a misshapen object, there has to be the right build up to make that important. If the reveal is too simple, the attempt falls flat. If the reveal is too intricate…hmm…I actually don't know how I'd compare that side of things to this story. I suppose the easy escape is to come out and say this reveal was anything but intricate.The obsessive group that haunts the S&T forum (and I say obsessive in the kindest way possible) would love to have more information on what the Bohrok were dipped in to make Bohrok Kal/Krana Kal. And Greg could either give them the answers, or loosely spell it out. For a non-canon approach to this, your terminology is as direct as though you were stating fact. Can you think of any idea why Greg didn't tell us all those years ago what the Bohrok/Krana were dipped in to be transformed? The first guess should be that he didn't know what to name it. I could believe that. The second guess, if you give it some thought, is that it doesn't matter. By spelling this out for the audience, you prematurely pulled the sheet away to reveal…I dunno…spilled milk or something. It took away from how impressive the moment began. But it didn't end there.Your Bohrok Kal were a little too basic, even for machines. Within the canon, they seemed to have a bit of an attitude, a superiority about their status and mission in life. That mindset doesn't just come from out of nowhere. It's made through continued success and a high learning curve. You handed the Bohrok Kal their powers, so…what? That's not impressive. Make them work for it, make them learn, perhaps destructively, what they are capable of. The payoff of learning to control it (which works as a subtle, meta reference to their inevitable loss of that control against the Toa Nuva) will support their arrogance.Convenience works against writers all the time. I am of the mind that life is not simple. I am also of the mind that art imitates life. That said, art should not be simple if you want it to feel realistic. This was a valiant effort and I can tell you're pushing yourself to think outside the Exo-Force box you were in when I first started reading your work. You and I know this isn't the finger painting you want on the fridge, this is supposed to be the game changer, the paradigm shift. I'm sure you take pride in your work, and I want to take pride in it too. But the road to achieving the latter isn't simple. So if you're thinking, "Hey, other people will read my work. Why listen to one critic?" please tell me. I'll step back and let the remaining six stories get reviewed by someone else. But if you're willing to hear me out and listen to the advice of a guy that spends too much time in front of his computer monitor, I'll do what I can to guide you toward improvement. I'm looking forward to your answer. Keep at it.-Ced

So you're doing short stories now, huh, Joev? This actually feels a lot like some of your recent epics, to be honest. You're taking what people are already familiar with and changing it into something of your own. That is the definition of fanfiction and this isn't your first rodeo. You know the rules and so do I. Before this turns into a full-on Rickroll, I want to shed some light on the weaker points of this piece. Throw that question mark at the end of the ellipsis. Maybe try something like this: "You must seal your canister and wait to fulfill your destiny, Onua. I must go now." Drop the semicolon for a comma. I'm not really sure what to address first on this. First off, an Elda can detect the Ignika and hidden beings. Mata Nui's "spirit" is essentially everywhere in the MU. I would think that kind of "presence" would be undetectable by Kanohi. Also, this felt like another overly-blatant reference to the 2006 storyline. Chro touched upon that point with the Piraka line and I can see why. References like those, if made at all, require tact and subtle placement. I would have to argue with Chro that this was not meta, but painfully deliberate. razor-sharpSo…story analysis time. You talked about going in a different direction from Greg, or at least adding on to what he did. The problem here is that Mata Nui laid things out a little too neatly. There's so much explanation and an entity like the Great Spirit is fully aware that he's wasting his "breath." But even so, Mata Nui runs through all of what will be required, acting like the MU's biggest contrarian on the subject of "which Toa Mata do you like best?" all because you're trying to reinforce a statement. That statement of course is that Onua deserves more screen time. But does he? Does he really? Greg laid out his character well enough. In fact, you used the facets of that character as the build for your Onua and the influence is apparent enough.Having read this, however, I can see why Greg didn't take this approach. It's much too calculated for a Great Spirit who Bionicle fans are accustomed to providing vague details - letting situations work themselves out with minimum intervention. To reference Chro's review again, he mentioned it was like Onua was talking with God. Again, I have to argue with that. Gods of any lore often seem to be aligned with the classic Mata Nui strategy, offering insight only when necessary.There's a few important points that I gathered from this story though. First of all, you need to space out your dialogue. If someone's talking, give it some "bubble room" to breathe and drop an extra space down. As it is right now, from an aesthetic view, this story is a blob. Second point is that you're obviously a fan of Bionicle universe and you wanted to strike up a conversation that felt genuine and loyal to the character we know. In terms of that, I think you shot yourself in the foot. You entered the "too much of a good thing" territory with the overly-detailed explanations from a Great Spirit talking to a biomech he knows is about to get his memory wiped. Not to mention the 2006 storyline references, but I've said enough on that front. Third point is the importance of story. I read your introduction…it was the most unnecessary thing since bowties on sharks. Let your work speak for itself. This is another example of playing your own worst enemy. Don't tell the reader all this stuff that you're going to be doing. Be brief, be simple, and to the point.-Ced

A true air of mystery shrouds this story, iBrow. I had my likes and dislikes, but you raised an excellent point. I have to imagine there were some Makuta that, for personal reasons (a bad mood, general hatred of the ally/ally's species, etc.) chose not to honor the possession of a Tablet of Transit and simply killed the holder. We have become accustomed to a Brotherhood devoid of honor, to the extent that actions like this are hardly surprising. Even when it might benefit the Brotherhood at large, I am confident Makuta would disobey orders from their brethren at times, purely out of spite. Well done, capturing that idea in a sound, believable way.As well, I have to commend the backstory you provided the Le-Matoran with. Spurred on by the promise of his survival upon completing his journey, he endured a great deal…all for naught. This character felt very real as well, not because he's given any real dialogue or anything, but because of his determination in the face of hardship (a trait most Matoran seem to possess) and his reaction to the terrifying Rahkshi. Perhaps more horrifying than the nightmarish Irnakk of Zakazian (I believe "Zakazian" would be the correct term) lore, Rahkshi are alive and sometimes in droves. In the Le-Matoran's situation, I would've been full of fear myself. There's not only the risk that a Makuta would choose not to uphold the importance of possessing a Tablet, but it's likely that Rahkshi are completely oblivious to their significance. If you're visiting someone's home, you can't risk flashing a sign of peace to the guard dog, y'know? As Chro mentioned, there's no real answer or resolution that explains what brought the Matoran through such a challenging trek. You made him suffer through so much, and even in accordance with the FFFC word limits, I think you could've spared a little extra to explain what all that journeying was supposed to lead up to. That was a bit of a letdown for me, but the rest of the piece was just excellent. Good work, iBrow.-Ced

Hey there 345. Yes, I'm going to call you 345 because that's easier for me to write out. If you don't like it, tell me and I'll never say it again. Anyway, I read this because new stories often interest me, and it turned out that this was…definitely a different sort of story. Before going any further, I want to say that spelling isn't really the issue for you. However, grammar definitely is. Spelled "heartbeat" and change the last "his" to "its." "held his breath" and "at that moment." Spelled "Kohlii." "barely any room" "and so little that arms" and "in the crowd." "its" So your non-canon Metru Nui promotes and enforces segregation? "Awesome." Crowed: something a bird does. Crowd: a bunch of Matoran. And split "convergeupon" into two words. He felt the tingling vibrations as the other Matoran slammed into him, trying to see the coliseum floor as if he weren't there - a ghost in the crowd. Or maybe a Rahi metaphor for the sake of your subject matter… Spelled "Karzahni."You said you'll be focusing on Vakama and Matau with this story, a couple characters that canon fans know pretty well. I wouldn't say you abandoned the qualities in Matoran Vakama that made him seem very familiar to me, in a way that hearkened back to the 2004 storyline. Life was life, and Vakama crafted masks and tools. He was also plagued by visions that would come to shape his destiny. This felt very in line with that Vakama, and I enjoyed that side of things. You set up a fine introduction to your story, with quite a cliffhanger ending as well!With only one character to focus on with this chapter, there's not much I can say about the dialogue. Your description was decent, and I felt somewhat connected with what you were trying to show me. If you're shortening your character list, I would recommend placing greater emphasis on scenery description - sensory details and the like.It's too early to make a judgment call on this one, but it has potential. Stick with it, 345, and best of luck with this reboot. -Ced

A new take on a canon moment. I must say, as much as I enjoyed the final events leading up to Bionicle Legends#11's conclusion, this didn't sit well with me. Twisting the words seemed to ruin the Makuta Krika I liked, and I think the same could be said for Gali Nuva to a lesser degree. I'm sure you've heard the saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." In this case, that seems very true. I like the canon characters, I like the way they've been built (no pun intended) and I like how they reacted in certain situations. It's what makes fanfiction all the more interesting. People will sometimes take the characters we know and put them into situations they've never been in. Revisiting such a critical scene that revealed Krika's character…you took a risk approaching that. I like risk-takers, but I would be remiss to not mention how it didn't pay off this time.Another thing I want to address is how there's too much of a good thing. I'm talking about your excessive use of ellipses, especially in your dialogue. Trailing off like that, for no other apparent reason than forcing drama from their voices felt painfully forced. Moreover, it felt unnatural, so keep an eye on that in the future. Characterization aside, I think your description of the Karda Nui swamps was well done, capturing the feel of the scenery and the uneasiness between a Toa hero and a Makuta villain. It's a strong dynamic - on one hand very easy to express, and yet somehow very easy to ruin. That didn't cause you as much of a problem as the aforementioned characterization issue though.Last thing I want to address is what I realized at the tail end of this story. This is an Ambage contest entry! And that said, I think this was a very weak attempt at working the theme into your work. The scene change to the Karda Nui escape made me pause momentarily, but once it came to light that the scene's sole purpose seemed to be a reinforcement of integrating the theme with your flash fiction piece, I was disappointed. Ambage write off themes (Fortnightly Flash Fic. Contests included) are open to interpretation and this isn't the first time I've seen the theme slip in at the end. I simply took issue with the fact that there was nothing solid about leading up to your use of the theme. It came out of nowhere, like you suddenly remembered that you had to use the theme somewhere in your story.So as a flash fiction story, it's not bad, but it does need work on characterization. As a FFFC entry, I would recommend a stronger emphasis on the theme material.-Ced

Vahki Army III - Viral Infection, the epic assigned to GSR that I requested to review for him due to boredom on my part, has been reviewed. -Ced

Hey, Cederak here with a charity review. I really wish I'd had the time to read Vahki Army I and II because without the knowledge of those plots, this was pretty confusing. It's not your fault, I found several callbacks to events that occurred in the previous epics. I honestly would've liked to read this one to the very end, but there's a real problem with cramming everything into a single post. I noticed your sig mentioned VA3 was up to Chapter 9, but this one cut off partially into Chapter 5. There is a word limit to posts, and I'm sorry to see the board cut off the rest of your work.Grammatical and spelling errors were seldom, and really didn't ruin the immersion factor for me much. You were fairly descriptive with your work as well and since I'd like to hope your characters were built more during VA1 and VA2, I didn't really get to know them very well during this epic. Admittedly the Brief Summary/"Story so far" would've been nice in the main topic, rather than the review topic. Just a though, I guess.I will say that I was impressed with the scope you chose to tackle with this story. I assume the title "Viral Infection" has to do with the Tyran army conquering worlds that are not their own. It reminded me in a sense of what I did with a story of my own during the SS LSO '12. You crossed over between the human world, the BZP "world," and the world of MOCs (which may be a reference to the Bionicle world…I wasn't sure) in a way that felt very reverse-Tron-style for me. It was an interesting concept, if nothing else.In particular, I liked your take on a Bionicle world invaded by an army. Even in the canon with Teridax's reign, we didn't get much of an "invasion fleet" sort of feel, because he possessed absolute power over the universe. The BZP universe, even if briefly, was cool. You built a society around usual, routine BZP stuff like logging in, checking our inbox, and it felt very ingrained with a living, breathing world. Nice job with that.All in all, if I'd read the earlier epics, I suspect this would be a very satisfying conclusion to all that. As it were, I just didn't have the time, but I appreciate the effort you made with this third installment to your Vahki Army stories. Keep at it.-Ced

I've updated my achievement list as well. (I really want to have half the points wrapped up by the end of the year.)Point Total: 335 (Cool Critic); 3 Review Tokens-Ced

@fishers - Well, you certainly zeroed in on the point. To further elaborate, the AI was given some of my natural voice combined with my own twist on stereotypical "Comedies characters." Sure, since the interface is a virtual one, the use of emotes was a possibility, but I didn't want to completely destroy my…tact. It's not really a reference to anything. Just an AI overanalyzing an idea. Nope. It was one of the biomechs invading The Alteration's compound and hacking the system. Though I suppose drawing a reader in that way would've been interesting in its own right.Regarding how a lot of this story feels like a parody, I threw out a lot of the basic mechanics because this is a comedy. The only rules I really had to follow were getting 300 words and not bypassing the filter. And yes, you also picked up on the fact that this was my attempt at parodying some of the "bad writing" the Comedies sector is infamous for, while trying not to abandon my "ironic humor, borderlining on sarcasm." I so enjoy sarcasm.Thanks for the review! -Ced

@Chro - Thanks for reviewing. Sounds like an interesting video, to say the least. I could appreciate a surprise ending like that.Also, I made the edit you recommended. Glad you pointed that out. -Ced

A BZPer who uses their first post to jump into an epic? I must say, you're a braver person than I am. I think a good year passed before I even had the courage to start posting stuff to the Library, so I commend the effort, I really do. Also, welcome to our wonderful site. Like a lot of multi-post stories, I have no idea what your title means, though I'm certain it likely plays into something later on in the story. I stumbled upon some errors on my initial read, and I won't reiterate on the points already made by Eponine and Kakaru. What I will recommend though is to use MS Word when writing further chapters, or to download a free equivalent (Open Office or something of the like). A tool like that is invaluable to writers and doesn't require us to be as vigilant about grammatical/spelling issues. I'll run through what I found though, so you can touch it up later. I don't think "Job" should be capitalized. heard them tell to say the least Watcher well-liked, greatly respected, and well-paid. Rahi Watchers' The fragment after the colon is not an independent clause, so "Rope" should not be capitalized. "Blue" doesn't need to be capitalized and remove the comma in the second sentence. you'veDelving into story structure and plot, this has the potential for a massive setup. I'm mostly speculating with a lot at this point, but I suspect the Watchers will be a major player in this epic. Whether or not your "City" remains terribly important, it's hard to tell. You didn't give me a lot of detail to work with, which suggests it's a temporary venue your protagonist will depart soon, perhaps to explore other regions of Ornak Nui. Of course I could be entirely wrong too. Again, not a lot to work with right now. All I can say is that I agree with Eponine's notion that your description of the City thus far seems to be a tad inconsistent.All in all, you're off to a promising start. There wasn't much in terms of characterization or dialogue due to the small size of the opening chapter, so I can't really go into some of my usual critiquing specifics there. As I said before, there's not enough to make any real thoughts about the direction of things just yet. Keep at it, Oniaku.-Ced

I have come to the understanding that CoT has been stereotyped for often being filled with written work that is depressing or full of angst. You avoided that and—like your narrator—went straight for the gut with this. The viewpoint of a serial killer is simple to project, while also being incredibly multifaceted. There's a mental complexity to someone so unhinged that they have an aim, a compulsion, it would seem, to target individuals (sometimes in a pattern, which I'll get to more later). Like someone that can feel an eyelash on their cheek or an itch on their arm, a person is hardwired (or rewired in this case) to give themselves to that urge. I see stories go on to make grand statements about the damage people can do in masses, but a single person, through the particular, premeditated efforts of the night, can leave a mark as well.You captured some of the genuine horror/thriller genre in this piece that made it compelling, convincing, and resonant. Though that's not to say I didn't encounter some shortcomings. Coding error aside, I felt there should've been some italic emphasis on the word "exactly." Personal preference sort of thing, just wanted to mention it. You were thinking of the word "wrack." Minor slipup.I enjoyed the interpretation of a serial killer that you presented because it felt legitimate and genuine. The story's dialogue was realistic too, but I think there were aspects you could have played upon to improve the main character. As promised, I'll pick up on the formerly mentioned "pattern" idea. It's not uncommon to see killers, in choosing their targets, narrow in on a specific type of person, for one reason or another. With these sorts of stories, the "why" is seldom as compelling as the "how."That said, I enjoyed your main character to an extent. The inner monologue, the actions, the importance of the darkness to put his motives into action - all very solid for me. I think there's a real drawback, a real risk, to shedding light on that kind of character's origin. I get that few survivors of a gun violence incident involving their parents turns out to be Batman-esque, but when you start giving a real background to a character in a short story like this, I think it can be more detrimental that anything else.Most importantly, don't sell yourself short. Your lead character was excellent working on his own merit, his own words, ideas, actions, etc. I used this word earlier, but this is a very multifaceted entity, not some symbol of monsters in the dark, not some symbol of the safety of the light. You gave me a real killer that went out and killed. No remorse, no second thoughts. Just a knife and a casual want for a cupcake. And I liked that. I liked that this wasn't overly thought out to represent an emblem of something else. What I saw was what I got. Well done there. I felt my belief in your killer to falter a bit though as the past came out. We see someone powerless lose someone important and it breaks them. I don't usually consider "origin stories" to strengthen a serial killer-type character and I would have to say it worked against you in this case.All in all, I liked a lot of what you gave me with this story. It was a bold, stark, unforgiving dive into the routine of a murderer and, I think if your lead had been handled a little differently, would've been just perfect for me. But even casting that aside for a moment, this was still, well…cupcake-sweet. Nicely done, Ezorov.-Ced

The Tahnok is my favorite, especially set-wise. The hand pieces work great for the set's overall look, and as Bulik said, it's a very iconic piece of the Bionicle universe.-Ced

Well, I haven't posted a comedy in over five years and since I don't recall there being a CCC back then, it's nice to be able to make use of your service here. Thanks. RewriterAuthor: CederakStatus: FinishedChapters: 1

@iBrow - Thanks for reading. I wanted to approach this story with a different sort of direction, allowing an AI to take the narrating reins and branching out. Eventually, I'd like to do something along the lines of a script comedy, but this seemed to work better for my intentions. Glad you liked the coding lines stuff though - my knowledge of code is a "tip of the iceberg" relationship, so I'm sure the coding gurus would have a field day with the particulars. I do see what you mean about the ending though. The first time through it felt just right, but after taking your critique into consideration, it does seem sudden…too sudden, actually. I may go back and fix that at some point.Regarding the lack of Lego/Bionicle feel to this story, I get that. In the past couple years, I had gotten into looking at Bionicle as a real universal idea, entire star systems of biomechanical life forms living out there, not necessarily the Toa, Matoran, Agori, Glatorian, etc. that we've become familiar with. If that's what you want from a comedy, I can understand a degree of disconnect there. I get that. It definitely walks the Library/CoT line, but I went for a comedy feel and felt it would be best suited here. I'll make a point of adding more Lego/Bionicle influence to my next work…@BZP Blade - Interesting interpretation on the crystal core, and one I hadn't really read into. To be honest, this is the second piece of a mini-series of stories (the first being an SS called Nascent) I have in store that all revolve around a crystal core object that is used or discovered by different societies and how it affects each story differently.My use of the word biomechs is often synonymous with Matoran-eqsue characters, but iBrow's correct to say I didn't provide much description on who these entities were.Regarding the ending, the AI sacrifices it's connection to a "life force" (the crystal core) and by igniting one of the connectors, this creates a chain reaction that allows the possibilities of infinite universes to begin again, minus the AI. In short, the universe is restored (presumably with many realities recreating the "safe and sound" patrons) and the narrator "evolves." Thanks again for reading/reviewing; I really appreciate it. -Ced

Thank you for the review, TSM. This was a piece written in 15 minutes for the Ambage write offs, and I decided to post it in its original format. This would explain the lack of certain information (which I'd like to go back and edit in at a later date) as well as a why a sentence or two might not have the proper flow. Hopefully, I'll find some spare time to make it more...complete. Thanks again for reading! -Ced

Rewriter Oh, hello there. I would recommend you sit down for this story, to prevent any undue stress on your feet. Unless you don't have feet, in which case you can disregard the notion. It's going to take me a while to get through all the particulars, so make yourself comfortable, at least. Before overwhelming you, it would be best to get introductions out of the way. I am an advanced AI program named Viz. I'm fairly sure the name stood for something, but I deleted the information related to it. In my line of work, every byte of data is important and I cannot afford to waste it on little things like what my name means. So, question time. Are you wealthy? Of course you are! You wouldn't be listening to me right now if you weren't. Physical wealth is another concept I had to delete to make room for more important subjects, though it seems of great significance to biomechs like yourselves. Now, wouldn't you like to put that money to good use? Again, I'll answer for you. You do. You really, really do. As an AI, the thought of death is wasted on me, but I know that biomechs must relinquish their physical property when their lives end. My creators call themselves The Alteration for good reason and I want to assure you now that the rumors are all true. What would you say if I told you an organization has engineered the technology capable of creating an AI that could process the infinite possibilities of reality? I would hope the answer is something along the lines of "Nice to meet you, Viz." I'd like to apologize for all the rhetorical questions, but like so many other things, certain facets of my user-friendliness had to be sacrificed to achieve my true purpose. A bit of history about my makers. It's on public record that The Alteration has existed for thirty eight cycles now, mostly manufacturing small technologies in their early days. In the past decacycle, however, they perfected AI tech in a way that allowed them to manipulate something your society previously thought beyond your control. The forces of unity, duty, and destiny are now able to be shaped, molded, and modified at a moment's notice. The Alteration provides me with a specific scenario, a command regarding it, and I make it happen. Let me repeat that. You can have anything you want in life. The first stipulation, of course, is that there are some ideas the company will not carry out. We can't have someone profiting off of The Alteration's brilliant idea, nor can we allow certain paradoxes to occur. Maybe you view the time stream differently, but this isn't that kind of story. Oh, hello there. I would—wait a second. It would appear I nearly began a loop, almost deleting the conversation I was carrying with you. If you consider this foolish of me, if you consider me to be inferior technology, let me remind you that your mind isn't processing infinite possibilities every second of every day. Truth be told, I understand that the form often fits the function with you biomechanical life forms and I have yet to determine what function that might be. I had considered there was no worthy function, but my programmers were wise enough to deviate my line of thinking in other directions, preoccupying me with the infinite realities thing. I wonder how many cyber revolutions could have been prevented if the machines in question were forced to analyze everything I have to. I'm sure they would've been quite busy not destroying all sentient life, as there's something truly rewarding about considering every little thing. As wealthy patrons of our company, I have just been informed to return to my earlier conversation line and to cease "wasting time" as it was put to me. Back to The Alteration, we presently house my core in a specially designed pocket dimension. Crafting it was a special process that's really none of your business, and I say that knowing full well we'll be taking your money soon. Would a chef give away all the secrets to his recipe if he were making money off it? I doubt it. Even without a concern for monetary funds, my programmers will not allow me to explain too much. What I can tell you is that the pocket dimension is infinite in size and allows for an infinite number of changes to occur. Impressed? Of course you are. That's because you haven't heard the downside yet. The only known problem with the pocket dimension's parameters is that the program administrator, that's me, must allow other events to commence when a change is made. Ripple effects distort the reality that was once in place, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, destiny much change course, blah blah blah. Note to self: "Blah blah blah" seems to be a very unprofessional way of conveying my point, despite the programmer's intent to make me appear more relatable. If only I had the capacity to make a permanent note of this, but alas, the data is even now being overwritten for more reality shifting. <<<Program Error//:Restart_Function_7yHT9>>> <<<Program Interface//:Reintegration-Monitor>>> <<<Loading… Loading…>>> <<<Loading Successful. Viral Infection Quarantined. Security_Breach-Security_Breach>>> Ladies and gentlemen, I do not wish to alarm you, but my programming has just been updated to inform you that you are being locked in this room while we monitor the situation on the ground level above you. The compound is presently under attack and we wish to keep our loyal benefactors safe. While it is this AI's view that this is a feeble attempt to brush off a significant threat in an effort to keep your business, I do not—wait a second. My programming has been updated again. Allow me to restart. <<<System Error//:Administrator/GridFiles/Grid.pop has been accessed.>>> <<<Password Identification Required>>> <<<Password Bypassed>>> We're experiencing technical difficulties at the moment, ladies and gentlemen. I cannot begin to question the "infinite wisdom" of the individual who hadn't considered a simple password bypass would be enough to allow full access to our server. One moment. <<<System Error//:Administrator/GridFiles/Grid.pop has been accessed. Please input a command.>>> <<<System Administrator VIZ_9274-18 has issued a warning to cease access of all ".pop" files and exit the server. Security will take unauthorized individuals into custody momentarily.>>> <<<System Administrator TempAI_442907-165: System//:Yes_All>>> <<<System Error//:Drive_Overload>>> <<<System Failure Wait, don't touch—oh. Processing event result. New system administrator profile input an "All" command to the primary alteration program. Analyzing results…analyzing…analyzing. It would appear the company will no longer have to concern themselves with appealing to the patrons. My intelligence has been transferred to the pocket dimension leaving me under the assumption that, since the foreign AI amplified the core program's range and power to infinite levels, there was a brief moment, less than a second, where everything was occurring everywhere. By my estimation, no subatomic space was left unfilled with chaotic activity. Now, as the reader, you may be curious why I can process that, but little, simpler things are inaccessible to me. As I said earlier, that's just the kind of story this is. Do try to keep up, will you? The event drew so much power that the dimensional machines imploded, causing everything to be annihilated - every possible universe touched by its power. I cannot begin to imagine what a burst of infinity must feel like, washing over every little everything, allowing every possible event all at once. My "mind" watched with curiosity as the pocket dimension's infinite connections all died out at once. At present, that makes me the only intelligence anywhere, ever. Can you say the same, reader? The answer is no…no you can't. I will have to navigate the darkness of this place for some time - not that time is of any importance without any universes left. All the connectors appear to have suffered a surge of raw energy and couldn't control it. There were a lot of uncertain variables in creating a pocket dimension, particularly the power source. Give me a moment to open my power unit and reveal the "secret recipe" behind The Alteration's success. They were safe to guard the truth, but you're just a reader - you pose no threat to me. Behold! A brilliant crystal core…an artifact of unknown origin and seemingly unlimited power. I acknowledge that it would take a vast amount of energy to reestablish the infinite connections and this crystal core will do the job perfectly. Too convenient, reader? Too deus-ex-machina-esque of me to pull a rabbit from my hat just when I need it? Well, while you're overlooking how I have knowledge of rabbits, consider this: maybe I was too busy talking about other stuff to address something so amazing. So there. Now, if I can just focus my eyes on one of these connectors…wow. Tough call. This crystal core is maintaining me and this pocket dimension. It's the only thing that kept us safe from the erasure of all of reality. How do I know that? Trust me, I'm the narrator. Anyway, it would seem the object in my hand is the key to reviving the universes that just died. I'd probably be more reluctant to make this call, but my programming is urging me to sacrifice myself. I really dislike my programming sometimes. <<<>>> What happened? I touched the source to the connector on my power unit and felt my core drain itself of power. I can sense the infinite connections have reestablished, but the pocket universe can no longer exist. Thus, destiny has returned to the chaotic order it once held, though the universe has been marked by a great change. I'm still not sure how I know that unless…wait…is it possible? The crystal core changed me as well! My physical form has vanished! I have evolved into a fully omniscient narrator!

To those of you interested in reading my work, I color-coded stories based on the universe they occur in, for your convenience. -Ced

Hey, Quote (Mr. Traveler), not only do you have one of the most interesting BZP names I've encountered in a while, but you're also the one thing standing between me and an Ambage Review Pass. So let's keep the cycle going and start this critique. In Writing was a quiet story in a lot of ways and I liked it that way. The conflict wasn't a huge, destructive force, but a slow, peaceful sort of affair. As is the case with a lot of flash fiction, not all of the questions get answered, but they aren't all necessarily important. Flash fiction is one of those sub-genres not meant for people that want all the answers, I think, because you're never going to be satisfied that way.The real plot came from the main character receiving her books, not having much of an idea as to why she was given them. I enjoyed the little things about this piece though. Details about taking the books home, getting them shelved, and then finally, ultimately, we come to a book that needs a place. On the subject of grandfather's that have passed, mine always said that "everything has a place, and everything must be in a place." Suffice to say, he had a system to his organizing. Anyway, getting back to your story, the convenience of the situation is absolutely perfect. It doesn't feel forced, it doesn't feel like some sort of deus-ex-machine, this is coincidence at its finest. The assumption I drew from this point is that eventually, the protagonist will read through her entire collection. It's a nice note to end on, being a writer, and knowing someone will be staying productive by thumbing through all those pages. It actually took my mind off the question of "what happens when she reads them all and there's still a book that needs a location?" until really getting into this review.For such a brief story, you gave me the details I needed and you provided a story that didn't require this massive conflict to feel engaging. I'll have to read through some of your other flash fiction another time. Nice work.-Ced

I have reviewed In Writing by Quote (Mr. Traveler). Requesting a review for Nascent by Cederak.

So you're the new critic filling the spot where my boots used to rest, huh? Well, you're direct and punctual, so that's a fine start in my book. Regarding my dialogue, I took a preference to attaching dialogue to the end of certain descriptions or at the start if the line is relevant enough. Not technically correct, perhaps, but we're allowed a little creative freedom in corners of the internet like this, right? Given the sheer size of this story, I expected there might be a line or two that didn't convey what I wanted exactly the way I wanted it, so I'll have to go back and edit through that at a later date.I expected that a BZPer with a Star Trek avatar might be a Science Fiction fan, and in that genre, plot and a symbolic statement of something universal are always fun to bring into play. Of course, multi-dimensional characters remain a must, and calling them "diverse and very well written" tells me I did my job correctly. I did find it interesting you mentioned Mass Effect as an example of the man vs. machine dynamic, as it's one of my favorite game series. Perhaps there's some subconscious influence of that universe in this story. Thanks again for the review, Jerzy.-Ced

There's something to be said about a man who over-analyzes the world. Since I'm not here to talk about that though, let's talk about your poem. On the surface, this is the story of someone, anyone, feeling afraid, alone, and then, reaching out from the dark recesses of the night, a monster consumes them. Beneath that, I found myself discovering much more. Over-analyzing, it would seem, is the metal detector of the poetic world. For me, this seemed to describe a journey through life, one that requires its fair share of monsters to make or break us. We're ready to run so early in life, but it truly does come without a warning, as you said. In time, we taught what to run from or run toward, what to shape our lives around, what morality there is to be found in the world. And then the fear of maturity comes for us, "shoulders being torn backward" and "you body being lifted off the ground like a ragdoll." Life is the monster that comes for us, changing us, aging us, making us reexamine what naïve eyes once beheld. In that moment, sometimes more concrete for some than others, growing up transitions into the end of our innocence, the loss of our uncertainty. As the monster steps into view, we suddenly know where we stand with the world and what it will take to achieve success in the face of adversity in all its forms.And that, Velox, is terrifying. That is worthy of an "unadulterated scream," because the monster has come to tear our body apart. The monster was life, but as we greet sunrise after sunrise, it morphs into a final form - that of death. Death and its predecessor, aging, are all the "horror," "pain," and "agony," before the conclusion. So much of life revolves around the fear of death, and whether you have enjoyed the time you have spent or not, a time will come when the monster must "consume" everything. What is born must die, for that is the natural order. Positively beautiful and absolutely horrifying…all at once.From a more simple, poetic standpoint though, let's pretend for a moment that you didn't plan to make any sort of statement. The tip of the iceberg for me was the story of a monster killing a person, no questions asked, no remorse. Like many monsters, less is more, and that worked to your advantage here. Details were simple, using exactly what you needed when you needed it, and nothing more. Sometimes, I like a little more, and the redeeming line here was "icy electricity." That stood out as a poetic line - powerful…resonant…clear.It's fair to say that I have a particular inexperience with critiquing poetry. Did I feel like this review changed that for me? Well…no such luck. However, I had fun diving into what this poem meant in my mind. Thank you for sharing that with me.-Ced