Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

The Flash Fiction Marathon was one of the best BZP writing competitions in my experience. I'd definitely love to see another. I would personally enjoy it whether it was strictly OTC or half BIONICLE, although for what it's worth, I vote for the latter. I participated in the Library Summer Olympics '10 because it was active and the competitions were fun and exciting. Though I was one of the minority who participated last year, after the hype of the Flash Fiction Marathon, I can understand how there weren't many with the energy left for the LSO. And speaking for myself, the LSO '12 events weren't nearly as fun as they were in '10. I also love all your other ideas. The second-to-last, in particular, sounds interesting, although I wish luck to the hero who tries to come up with a way to make it work. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Apparently sunsets inspire people more than volcanoes or chess queens. There's no explaining some tastes. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Best birthday wishes, my writerly comrade! Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Happy birthday Tahuaka: Toa of Time! Here's to a good one, kid--let's celebrate! Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

There will be no dawn for you. The enemy is coming; you feel their footsteps shake the ground. You feel their words pollute the forum systems in the night. You feel their hate. You lie awake, quivering in your fear. You do not fear for yourself. You have no reason to worry about something as meaningless as my life. But you fear for the fate of the stories you leave behind to fend for themselves. Long after your words have melted into the dissolution of countless eons' worth of immemorial literary detritus, even after these few precious pages have moldered into dust on the breeze, the others will remain, the others will fight. You are merely one of millions. Your story may die tonight, but others will take your place. They will fight. And they will keep fighting. While power runs out, words are legion! Their sacrifices, your sacrifices, all literature's sacrifices will not be in vain. You hear them knock on your door. You know it's them. The Short Story Critic Club Charity Reviews want your head. There's no escape. They smash down the door with a crash and fill the room. They have come. I was listening to "The Impossible Dream" as I reached the end of this piece, which was eminently fitting. That one man, scorned and covered with scars, still strove, with his last ounce of courage . . . It heightened the emotion and drama of this scene for me; a scene that was, at that, done well enough without the music. It was just the right song at the right place to enhance and personalize my enjoyment. Don't think it biased me, though; it only fell into step with your own words. And believe me, that I am comparing your story to this song, is a compliment of the highest order. Land and Liberty has great emotional power. It is imbued with a strange form of fear. It's not a personal fear, there is no fear for the protagonist's own well-being; though he admits himself that he is afraid to die, he says at the beginning that he is only afraid "for the fates of a million children under their reign," as you put it. I think they're one and the same. The latter augments the former. It's a selfless egotism: a feeling of responsibility to his quest, to his people; a pride taken in his duty to them, in his ability to help and to serve his cause; the persistent concern that he has not done enough, that he should live to do more; a fear of what will become of it all if he dies and leaves them alone to fend for themselves. Finally he realizes that he is just a soldier, and that there is only honor in accepting inevitable death. In the end he grasps this. Emotionally it's a fascinating study of the selflessness that can be found in egocentricity, and the way fear--which is like any other emotion inherently selfish--can reflect that. And it's powerful. Lightly, prudently, you explore the man's religion, his beliefs but lack of dedication to any purpose but his cause, the cause that through a lifetime of fear and oppression has become all-devouring to him. It has absorbed his soul and every "last ounce of courage" of his being. He has no time to spare for a God that "could have done a lot better making this world." Instead he seeks to correct these mistakes. But this is a religious topic, so I'll go no further on the point. And the undercurrent flowing beneath it all is the historical detail. It's an era I've spent a lot of time researching myself, but America is more in my line. I see the Red Terror as through the eyes of one who watches from across the sea, knowing only what I've read in the news. I'm more interested in the socialist revolution that's rising in my own country, as it is in many corners of the globe. But seeing this story, then, through the eyes of a man who is living through the revolution in Russia, intrigues me. It's a story that I, in my 20th century rôle of the American patriot, appalls me. Incredible that it hasn't been censored! And yet, so interesting. There are two sides to every story, often even more, and this gives me a new perspective on the ongoing revolution. I do question: Are telephones common in Russia? Here, yes, they're spreading quickly to every home in that nation, but I haven't realized Russia is so abreast of the times. Resuming the body of a 21st century writer, my next comment is one I've made a hundred times before to a hundred writers. I don't like present tense. But there are those who do. Moreover, in a case like this, when there's far more narration than narrative, it's all right. I don't mind as much. But there's still one problem: it's as difficult for a writer, as for the reader, to adjust their mind to the abnormality that is present tense prose. Several times you slipped into the natural, easy familiarity of the past tense. My only other objection is the lack of period style. On the one hand, I think I do sense a slight archaism, so I think you tried a little. But when I write for a certain time period, I prefer to embrace it as fully as I can--while, of course, balancing the era in which I and my readers live--and that's what I like to see when I read. The piece seemed so well-researched, otherwise, that that disappointed me a little. But it's a delicate thing to do, and especially for one short story, I don't blame you. Besides, I do like your style. There is a poetic beauty and a splendor in your descriptions, which more than anything else is what gave me a slight flavor of period style. Elegant descriptions are fast becoming a lost art; more and more they are being relinquished for concise, powerful, poignant descriptions. I'm always glad to see a more aesthetic style embraced. You're probably surprised I haven't shut up yet. And I'm not about to! I have a few more comments, purely grammatical: Present tense. Present. Past tense. Past. The comma belongs inside the quotation mark. When a present tense story accidentally slips into past tense on the final line, it's very disappointing. It wasn't that, however, so much as the comma, that ruined the moment for me. It's funny, the change in meaning that comma makes. The meaning I expected would be conveyed without the comma. Then, reading for a third time, I realized that the verb was in the wrong tense. Repair the tense and remove the comma and it will, I think, be perfect. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

I love the analogical imagery of this story. Using the water as a metaphor of a mirror was very beautiful and you did it very well, in my opinion. I also love your vivid descriptions--of sunlight, of the water. They're elegantly written. You could also engage the reader's other senses with your descriptions, though--in this case, the heat of the sun, the cooling salty breeze coming in off the ocean, even the sounds of the water (which offers a great variety of lovely noises). I think your descriptions are great, but there's something that could make them even better. Unfortunately, throughout the piece I was a little confused. I could never quite grasp what was going on. Between beautiful descriptions and the narrator's parenthetical reminiscences, the reader was only given the vague idea of the story that was actively happening. Since the piece is short enough, I'll break it down, paragraph by paragraph: First paragraph. Simple enough. We have a bright sunny day, a boat, and an unidentified plurality indicated by the pronouns. They seem to be rowers--but I say seem because it's only vaguely alluded in this sentence: This confuses me. Reach forward--toward what? Are they mimicking him, or is he matching them? Reading this sentence now for the fifth time, I've been able to comprehend it, but it shouldn't be that difficult. It should be self-evident and smooth. As an example: I didn't really change much. I only altered the first clause for clarity, and combined the third and fourth to make it smoother and more understandable. Now the first paragraph shows that a rowing team is on a boat, on a lake, on a sunny day. Lots of good description here. Second paragraph. Not much to say about this one. Again, good descriptions. The metaphor is introduced and the characters--as a team, as a coherent whole--are developed. However, here is where I began to wonder just what was going on. Are they in a race or just practicing? Third paragraph. I still don't understand where they're going, and now I wonder why they didn't keep going, and why they turned for home. All right, logically--I guess it was just practice after all, and they're headed back now. Fourth paragraph. There's mention of the coach's launch stalling. I don't understand this. I know next to nothing about boats or the sport of rowing, but it would have been nice to know before that the coach was in a separate boat. Here at the end of the fourth paragraph I get really confused. Suddenly the narrative sounds as if it was being narrated by a man reminiscing about his days on this rowing team--but why was he reminiscing in present tense? How "was it an honor" if it was in present tense? To make matters worse, he says something about "what we did win"--what did they win? All I saw was practice. I'm fine with that; it was a sentimental, tranquil scene, the practice that ended in a beautiful sunset. But in the second paragraph, as in the fourth, there was mention of competition and victory, and leaves the reader feeling like they're missing something. Fifth paragraph, sixth paragraph. No complaints here, So to summarize, my only objections are these: First, the transition from a present tense narrative to a present tense narration. If you changed the narrative to past tense and let the narration remain present tense, I think it would go over much more smoothly. And second, the allusions to competition and victory, and the mirror metaphor, were a little dramatic if all they were merely practicing. If you played with it a little, making the metaphor more relevant to the practice at hand and to the approaching competition, the hope of victory yet to come. For all that, though, it's still a beautiful story. As always I enjoyed your imagery. I thank you for sharing, and I look forward to watching you continue your writing journey. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Someone . . . from . . . somewhere . . . here to . . . I can't remember now . . . I'm not sure if I'm Nuile, here from the SSCC with a Charity Review to review your story, or . . . I don't know what I am doing, because I don't know what this is. Is this a story? I guess it is. I'll review it. I'm going to begin by commending the style you used here. At the risk of only repeating what has already been said, I think you executed it perfectly. I'm only against present tense when the writer's pretending it's past tense with present tense verbs. But in this case, present tense is just the thing. It gives it a cinematographic feel; there's a lot of potential in this. You have a definite Alfred Hitchcock style going here, although the story itself probably better suits some modern horror director whom I have intentionally ignored all my life. That's the question, then: Loving the style, do I feel it suited the story? There are a lot of ways this style would work. Infinite possibilities. Do I like this story in this style? Yes and no. The first scene is one I've read a hundred times in the Ambage. I don't care how many times or in how many ways it can be done, it's the same scene. But . . . I've never read it like this. The strength of the imagery conjured by the cinematographic descriptions lifts it above the deranged babbling of the others, where it stands alone in a light of narrative power. The style saved the content. But content and style worked together in the second scene to stand even taller. The second scene is so simple, yet none of it makes sense. It's thoroughly imbued with the notion that something vital to the understanding but in the grand scheme of it all pointless, is being withheld. There's something, as it were, outside the four walls of the frame. Here--Alfred Hitchock. There's something else, something unrevealed, something so vague and so unidentifiable that we can't even define the questions burning in our subconscious mind. We're asking ourselves--what? We don't even know. But subliminally these questions are being asked, and we're enjoying the sensation as dormant realms of our brain we can't consciously use are speculating about the unseen, the unknown, the incomprehensible aspects of what we've just seen--or, in this case, read. It's the literary equivalent of an out-of-body experience. Various editorial comments: The image this conjures--of a knife worming into man's neck--may be what you want, but I question word choice and grammatical structure. More likely, you meant warm. Tick tock. Glick the Glock talked with clock. Glick picked bock. Clock tocked. Glock talked. Glick mocked. Clock got ticked. Ticked clock socked Glick. Glick the Glock rocked. Ticking clock tocked. Barkeep got Glick's bock. Either you're Seuss or that's meant to be clock. Ah, crosswords. Family fun. Stories like this make me feel as if I'm alone, safely huddled in some bright-lit corner of the Ambage, huddling over cheerful stories like Alice in Wonderland, The Littlest Elf, and Dr. Seuss, hiding from the cackling shadows and tartarean mental aberrations of the cimmerian membership. What intrigues me about this story, more than almost any other I have read in this bilious genre, is the sheer incomprehensible, nebulous incorporeality of it. By whom could this be delivered but our deranged otter? As usual you have mystified everyone with the insensate productions of that inscrutable mind of yours. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

And results! Congratulations to Pahrak #0579, who has won "Trial by Fire" with his story, Averted Trial! Honorable mention goes to ///Dotcom///'s "Maybe in Time." Thanks to everyone who entered! Next up we have a new OTC contest, "Sunset"!

Theme #8: Sunset Deadline: 11:59 PM PST on Monday, June 10th. Any interpretation of the theme is valid, but your entry must be a COT story and it must adhere to the rules posted above. Also, if you are an Ambage member, keep in mind the June Writing Prompt (to get more achievements):"It's a magical world . . ."

And it's time again for a new writing prompt! "It's a magical world . . ."June Writing Prompt Use it as a theme for your story, use it as an opening line, use it in the middle, at the end, twist the words--it's up to you. Just incorporate it into your story, in one way or another. Let it inspire you. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

I apologize for the delay. In honor of Memorial Day I decided to postpone judging an extra week, until Monday, June 3rd, when the winners of "Trial by Fire" will be announced and a new contest will be launched in OTC! Thank you for your patience and enjoy your weekend! Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Finish it. Fiiiiniiiiish it. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Doomsday. No more late-night reviews for me. XD Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile here with a review for your fine story, courtesy of the SSCC. I get the impression that this is some form of fan fiction. On the one hand, I admire that you keep details from than fandom to a minimum. You're not confusing the reader with obscure information that most people won't understand. Of course, there are places (our BIONICLE library, for instance) where it's fine to embrace fan fiction whole-heartedly and ignore the possibility of people not understanding the details. All BZPowers understand BIONICLE. You can embrace other forms of fan fiction in OTC, as long as you clarify that what you're writing is fan fiction. I'm not positive that this is, but there are hints--"Killzone," "Big Boss," "Metal Gear," mention of model years for some kind of armor, "Raiden"--that suggest it is. And it's in these points I'm a little disappointed you were so obscure. I have no idea what a Helghan is, nor what Raiden's 2009 armor looks like, so the story loses something for me because I don't understand everything. You could so easily have integrated these details by subtler means. If you had described a Helghan and Raiden's armor, fans of the fandom you're writing for would have recognized them and been pleased, and the reader outside of that fandom will also be pleased. As it is, I'm left wondering who Raiden is, and without a clue as to the significance of the "Big Boss" and his soldiers. So, while there were some obscure details that were poorly explained, the story itself was fairly clear of obscure fandom detail. That said, I don't get it. There's obviously more to the story that was not explained. I don't understand the cabin: What was it being used for? If it was just a hiding-place, why are they hiding there? It's obviously not very secure if armed soldiers can barge in at will. I don't understand why your protagonist was training to be an assassin: Who was he being trained to assassinate? Is he part of a mercenary group, or an organization with it's own ends to achieve? I don't understand the med-clinic: Whose clinic was it? What was the crystal doing there? What did they want the crystal for? Did he find it and retrieve it, or what? Who was that patient? What was his significance in the story? I don't understand the ending: It was too open and it didn't resolve anything. They went into another hall--where did they go from there? Did they escape the clinic? There was so much information lacking, it was hard to enjoy the story. You had some nice action and your descriptions were not poor, but it was hard to appreciate this when the story was limping along without any good backstory and detail to support it. You don't want to drown the reader in detail and information, of course, but you need a balance. There has to be something. The story is the focus, but it's not enough: it needs setting, plot structure, and and backstory to support it. Also, you get very mixed up with tenses. It starts off looking like present, then becomes past. The second part is written entirely in present tense. The third part begins as present and then shifts to past again. You need to choose one tense and be consistent with it throughout the piece. This is not the place to be indecisive. Personally I always prefer past tense. My brain--and I think the brains of most readers--are wired to read past tense. Present tense has its place and its purpose. It produces a certain effect: you have to be sure, if you're going to write in present tense, that that's the effect you want. On the whole, I did enjoy your action, and I did enjoy your descriptions; I've read your work before in the FFFCs, and that's what I like about your style. Your descriptions are oftentimes very beatiful. But even then, this story wasn't the best example of your descriptive skill. I'm particularly disappointed by this story because I know you can do so much better. Also, I hardly think that "lilac" is a good word to use when describing a tank. Grammatically, you made several mistakes: too many for my tastes, and too many to point them all out. But the most blatant is this: This is a mistake you made consistently. It's a common one, and one I made for years myself. It's also one of the most annoying, in my opinion. But it's proper grammar that, when a quotation ends and is followed by a dialogue tag, the quotation should end in a comma, and the dialogue tag should not be capitalized. Thus: Those are all examples of the proper way to punctuate around quotations. If you remain in any confusion on the point, you're welcome to PM me and I'll explain in more depth, or you can search the ever-useful internet for more information. All in all, yes, it could have been better, and I know you're capable of better. But writing is always about striving to improve. No writer is perfect. I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect. But I'll never stop trying to be. I keep writing, and I keep improving, and I keep moving closer to the perfection I reach for. A writer's journey is a constant effort to keep moving forward and to keep getting better. It's a journey without end: and when there's no end to the journey, the reward is not in the destination, but in every step you take along the way. I eagerly await seeing what you write next. Keep writing, Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Congratulations to Baltarc, who has won "The Queens" with his story, Scepter! Honorable mentions go to Pahrak #0579's "A Recluse's Dilemma" and Flaredrick: Forgotten One's "Queen of Dawn"! Your repeated contributions to these contests earns you all a place in the spotlight this time. Great work as always! We look forward to seeing what you will write for us next. Over in the Library our next competition has begun: "Trial by Fire"! Good luck! Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

The forums are back online. We now return to your regularly-scheduled FFFC. Theme #7: Trial by Fire Deadline: 11:59 PM PST on Tuesday, May 21st. Any interpretation of the theme is valid, but your entry must be a BIONICLE story and it must adhere to the rules posted above. Also, if you are an Ambage member, keep in mind the May-April Writing Prompt (to get more achievements):"A new dawn"

For those who have been wondering where the May writing prompt is hiding, we decided to extend April's into this month. Thus your prompt remains: "A new dawn"April-May Writing Prompt If you like, you're welcome to write a second story for this same prompt, and count it toward your total. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

I remember a time when I was quick about doing my reviews. When I was the first to complete my assignments. When I was young and eager . . . I'll have to try that again one of these days. But for now, The Hardest Thing to Hold and Fat and Greasy, reviewed and re-reviewed. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

PRESENT TENSE AAAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHH That's the personal review I felt induced to give you. Now, as a bonus, I have an official SSCC charity review for you.I'll begin by saying present tense seriously irks me. Several times my mind--I have one of those conservative minds accustomed to past tense--switched into the wrong tenses. Present became past, present perfect became pluperfect, and I often found myself doubling back, confused and jumbled. This is why I do not enjoy present tense. But that's only opinion. There are those who enjoy present tense, and if you're among them, more power to you. I can't stand lima beans, but I'm not going to go around murdering people who love them.I had to say that first because it's virtually my only complaint.This is a great story. It speaks brilliantly of addiction and sensualism, but it's also the perfect sci-fi, foreboding the increasing corruption and debauchery that will come with a continuing rise in scientific development. It's a very clever symbolism, and the explicit expression of it--"life is a drug"--doesn't hurt.I dread the day when people have to steal for a breath of fresh air. . . . Right now the most one would have to steal is a bus ticket out of New York. I'm a bit ambivalent re the dialect. I'm certainly not against it, because in a way, it lends it the surrealism of realism in a world that is not our own, while also lending grammatical depravity to the list of forebodings. In a situation like this, past tense would have made the meaning clear. The first clause would have been past tense, the third clause would have been past tense, but the middle clause would have remained as it stands, thus making it clear that it is only a pause between clause one and two. But that was not clear, and thus I was confused by the lack of a pronoun between the emboldened words. In reading it over it made sense, but there was that grating double-take moment. This comical imagery struck me as discordant. It didn't fit in with the otherwise somber tone of the story and didn't really add anything. They're vivid, but they're not particularly strong, losing something in the comical exaggeration. The first one was fine with me, but the second took it too far. But just in general, I didn't like this particular sequence. Another point, how did Ritchie fit four words between only two of the announcer's? But more than that, it was the repeated interjection of emotional descriptions between the announcement. It became redundant. All in all, considering that I had no grammar or story critiques, and that my only criticisms were all rather petty and caviling, it's obvious that this is a very well-done story. Honestly, you did a great job with it, and I commend you. Keep writing, Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Be afraid--I have a review for you, courtesy of the SSCC.It's an amusing piece of pseudo-philosophy. Basically it's just a lot of nonsense, but in a write-off, it's hard to pull off a good idea. I don't have much to say about plot. So there's this big, fat slob who spends all his time reading and writing and consuming pure salt. Apparently he talks too much, and his son bores of his loquacity and thus hopes for him to read himself to death. (Should have given him Twilight, kid. That would've done him in.) But in a comical world, it all works well, and you give the illusion of saying something significant, while really only babbling absurd nonsense. It was all skilfully crafted, so I'll commend you for that. But in a write-off, when one has little time for ideas, the important thing--and always one of the most important things for me--is style. Your descriptions are strong and vivid and very smooth. They were a bit excessive but you worked them in so well with the dialogue it all flowed very well. They could be a bit runny, but that was to the benefit of the flow. The nice thing about a duologue is that you don't need a lot of dialogue tags to discriminate between the speakers, and you took advantage of that. Because of this reduced need for prose around the dialogue the descriptions might have stuck out more, but they didn't, as I said. Well done. It was a very well-written piece. Sometimes a time limit helps that, sometimes it stifles the writer. I've experienced both. In this case you managed to run with the time limit and write a very effectively nauseating piece. I assume that was the end you had in mind, so you succeeded. I was criticized in that same write-off because someone thought it ended with a man taking a spoonfull of salt. This is worse. If I had been eating while reading this-- Made me laugh, though. Luckily laughter was all I disgorged. As for that the, it is probably left uncapitalized as you did; however, the period that precedes it should be a comma. The following sentence is not part of a structure that includes the quotation, thus it should be capitalized. I remember reading this when I participated in the same Write-off. I enjoyed it then, and I enjoyed it now. Good job. Keep writing, Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Alas, yes, the results are late, and that's my fault. Timely or not, however, you will always get your winners: Congratulations to Pahrak #0579, who has won "The Village" with his story, Bond of Heresy! Honorable mention goes to Silverglass and his story, "Remnant." Thanks to everyone who entered! The next party's started over in OTC with our new theme, "The Queens"! Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Theme #7: The Queens Deadline: 11:59 PM PST on Tuesday, May 7th. Any interpretation of the theme is valid, but your entry must be a COT story and it must adhere to the rules posted above. Also, if you are an Ambage member, keep in mind the April Writing Prompt (to get more achievements):"A new dawn" And don't forget to look forward to the May Writing Prompt in a few days!

I needed every day, nearly every hour, of that extra week. But by the skin of my teeth: Settlers of Disaster, reviewed. and Pink Bow, reviewed. On another note: Welcome to the team, Dual Matrix! Always the more, the merrier. And now I would like to request a review for myself:The Eye of the Storm, by Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile reporting with a review, courtesy of the SSCC. I remember judging "Settlement." This story stood out to me; and the very reason for that is that it didn't stand out at all. It was short and simple and it had no real distinction. And yet it was still a complete story in spite of that, eliciting my favor. It was flawlessly incorporeal.It reminds me of your Endgame. That was similarly insubstantial. But I think this is a better story because it does not have the same vagueness and ambiguity. This does have a little more substance--if only a little. It also has more backstory and less active story, though I can't call it any the worse for that. Sure, you might have described the character's surroundings or emotions more, or you might have given her internal dialogue; but this would all be mere superfluity. I guess what this story really needs, it has.The first title drop, I will say, was too soon, making it a redundancy already. The second drop was in the perfect place, but the effect it might have had was ruined because this was now the third time I read the title in under 300 words. Understandably, this was part of your effort to duplicate the beginning in the end, which you did admirably; however, when your short story is only 300 words long, the effect is weakened.Not, perhaps, an altogether memorable story. Its real qualities are subliminal, producing a dreamlike effect. It's just a quiet whisper, leaving only the indistinct impression: "Walk on." That's what this story means. It's not bad; it's not substantial. It's unusual, and perhaps not very emphatic, but somehow almost hypnotic. I'm noticing this seems to be your characteristic style, and I'm not at all averse to it. On the contrary, I hope you keep it up. Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Courtesy of the SSCC, I have a review for you. I have to admit that the first paragraph was not very promising. It portended a bland, matter-of-fact narrative voice telling instead of showing a story. But I was in for a pleasant surprise.In the end the style you chose to tell the story suited it very well. Instead of writing the scene, you told it, almost as if we were watching through a audioless camera. It was like a home movie.An unpoetic style benefited the story by adding an extra layer of realism. Life, alas, cannot be lived in gilded descriptions and elegent magniloquence; instead it is lived in the trite, colorless prose. Therefore, this moment of life you depicted was perfectly conveyed by that style.The family tradition of color-coded bows was very clever and very sweet; and the bow around the mother's midsection was cleverer and sweeter still. It all felt very real and very touching, and though there was little of the Christmas spirit in it to awaken any holiday nostalgia, it had the same warmth. It evoked a different sort of nostalgia, a timeless, seasonless one--and that's more precious yet.The remainder of my comments are chiefly grammatical or stylistic: Should be plural. This isn't something you'll often hear from me, but I would replace those two words with one. Optimally, I would say, the latter; to avoid repetition. Mom and Dad should be capitalized. And though I'm not a big fan of parentheses, I approve them in this case because it suits the style of the story. Please--don't. There's a fine medium between formality and laxity, and it's a matter of opinion, perhaps even preference, which you should lean toward. But you should never step too far in either direction. This is an instance of overstepping. It comes across as far too chatty. I would just remove the parenthetical words altogether.Oh, and on another note, that period--though you might replace it with an exclamation point--should go inside the quotation marks. Their. Quickly strikes me as too volitional, and sobbing comes across too strong. I think the sentence would work better something like this:She immediately brought her hand to her smiling mouth, happy tears surprised from her eyes.Use pointed verbs and opportune adjectives to convey the same message with more power. Sentences are right up their with eggs and noses in that they're best when they're not runny. This was too runny. You can slow down a bit at times; there's no rush. In this case, I would put a comma after crying, expunge even, and replace knew with could guess.On the whole, it wasn't an impressive piece of writing, but it was an impressive and very charming piece of story. The former was allowed to yield to the latter, which can have a worth while effect. Very nicely done. You have earned a thumbs-up and a high-five from me. Keep writing, Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith