BIONICLE 2001 Abridged

[Toru Nui]

Part 266: Course of Action

 

“So, what now?”

 

“Now, we head to the nearest Wahi that ISN’T Ta-Wahi or Ga-Wahi.”

 

“Uh, we’re IN Ga-Wahi.”

 

“Exactly. Which means already we’re failing our objective. Great job guys. If Mata Nui were awake, he’d probably fire us all.”

 

“No, you moron, he doesn’t have to mention Ga-Wahi because we’re already IN it!”

 

“You idiots could argue about the colour of the sky, couldn’t you?”

 

“Of course not! Anyone can see that the sky is blue!”

 

“Looks more like a turquoise to me…”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Turquoise IS blue, dummy.”

 

“No, it’s a shade OF blue.”

 

“Exactly! It is blue!”

 

“Nooo… it isn’t!”

 

“To me it looks more like cobalt.”

 

“The Karzahni is cobalt?”

 

“Greyish-blue.”

 

“That’s not a colour.”

 

“Yes it is.”

 

“Oi vey…”

 

THEY ARE ALL WRONG

THE SKY IS CYAN

[Toru Nui]

Part 267: Professional Opinions

 

“Right, so now that we know who’s Hafu and who’s Taipu-“

 

“I don’t.”

 

“Shut up Hafu.”

 

“No, that’s Taipu. Hafu would mention his name every time he said I.”

 

“Aye? He’s a pirate?”

 

“Arr, I, Hafu, now be a pirate. Yarr.”

 

“Mata Nui Taipu, DO YOU KNOW WHAT HORRORS YOU HAVE UNLEASHED?!”

 

“What?”

 

“HAFU! PIRATE! MY PSYCHE CANNOT STAND MUCH MORE!”

 

“Look, what do you dumb-nuts want?”

 

“Well, we originally came here to see if Hafu could wind-fly a Gukko, but after your description of what happened last time, I think that’s something we should veto-drop.”

 

“Good. After all the idiots left to Ko-Koro for a peace meeting, we’re severely undermanned, and I don’t feel like putting up with any Kane-Ra manure today.”

 

“Right. Is the Turaga here, by any chance? I need to ask him about getting a raise. Or a promotion! Or a raise AND a promotion!”

 

“I said ALL the idiots, you pea-brain. And there’s no chance of you getting a raise OR promotion, considering your crippling acrophobia.”

 

“What does acrophobia mean?”

 

“It means he’s afraid of acrobats.”

 

“No, it means he’s fear-scared of HEIGHTS.”

 

“That’s vertigo.”

 

“NO IT ISN’T. VERTIGO IS A MEDICAL CONDITION TO DO WITH YOUR EAR!”

 

“You’re making that up. I should know, I’m a doctor.”

 

“No you’re not! You have no qualifications!”

 

“You don’t need them. I mean, I saved Hafu’s-“

 

“Taipu’s.”

 

“That’s what I said. Taipu’s life. He had a stab wound in the chest, and I stitched that up in no time.”

 

“You just covered it up with duck tape.”

 

“My tummy still hurts…”

 

“Oh stop your whining. You’re alive aren’t you? Look, Ahkmou’s still tied up back in Po-Koro, so there’s no way he can harm you again.”

 

Meanwhile…

 

“Now THIS is what happens when you try to use cheap low-quality rope to restrain a Po-Matoran. As in: escape.”

 

ESCAPING IS AN ART FORM

THAT IS WHY VILLAINS ALWAYS CREATE SUCH EASILY ESCAPABLE DEATH TRAPS

[Toru Nui]

Part 268: You’ve Unlocked a New Area

 

“Look, our next course of action is simple-“

 

“I doubt it.”

 

“We go to Po-Wahi, since we already have three masks from there. If we hurry, we can be done by nightfall and have one day left before Nuju nukes the entire island out of paranoia.”

 

“Yes. One day is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to collect all six masks from three other Wahis and then defeat Makuta.”

 

“Well do you have a better plan, maggot?”

 

“No, but it doesn’t make yours-“

 

“Save it, I’ve heard it before.”

 

“I’ll bet you have.”

 

“Well how do we get to Po-Wahi? It’s probably kios away! How will we-“

 

“Maybe you boobs should learn to read. Then you would figure out by the huge sign that we’re at the border of Po-Wahi.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Doesn’t it bother you that the only woman on the team just called US boobs?”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“Nobody cares. You boob.”

 

NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION

READ PRISONERS OF THE POOL BY MT ZEHVOR

IT IS QUITE GOOD

[Petewa]

“Doesn’t it bother you that the only woman on the team just called US boobs?”

My grandma calls her dogs boobs sometimes.

[Toru Nui]

My grandma calls her dogs boobs sometimes.

I don't wish to know that.

 

Part 269: I’ve Discovered I’ve Actually Been Spelling Klyma Wrong This Whole Time, its Actually KYLMA

 

“Right, where to start… basically, Kylma is the living definition of mad scientist.”

 

“Yes, we’ve gathered that.”

 

“But he wasn’t always like this. His obsession with finding a way to win the war between us and Makuta probably drove him over the edge, especially after his assistant, Jaa, died at the hands of a Muaka. Although I am no scientist, he clearly recognised my wealth of knowledge (and handsomeness) and hired me as a replacement.

 

Kylma got his funding from some Onu-Matoran. To be honest I should have enquired more into that, as it turned out said funding had been embezzled from the Onu-Koro Mining Company. Eventually, this Onu-Matoran told Kylma about the Kanohi Vahi, the Legendary Mask of Time.”

 

“Wait… that sounds familiar.”

 

“Agni reminds Nuhrii that is the mask Turaga Vakama keeps with him at all times. Agni says Turaga Vakama never go anywhere without it.”

 

“I don’t how or why this mask even exists or why Vakama had it, but this Onu-Matoran “heard” about its existence from Whenua. Me and Kylma took an agonisingly long trip to Ta-Koro, only to find that construction on that cable car we thought would never get started has begun and finished while we had gone. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone scream so loud.”

 

“Agni asks Kylma?”

 

“No, me. Anyway, we asked Vakama if we could borrow the Vahi for some experiments to see if we could use it to predict the future. Vakama expressed doubts that the mask could even see the future, let alone be controlled by a Matoran, but he decided to accompany us back to Ko-Koro on the cable car.

 

Once we returned, we entered Kylma’s hotel slash hidden laboratory, and began experiments with the mask. On me. At first, tests were inconclusive, as in, the mask didn’t even work on me. But eventually, I started having visions of a tall silver Matoran called Krakua.

 

He told me that he was transmitting to my mind from the future, or at least a possible future timeline, and that he had the Vahi from his time period used a power source for a machine in a fortress on a deserted island on a distant planet-“

 

“This sounds ridiculous. And that’s coming from someone who believes the Legends of Lhii.”

 

“Come on. After all that’s happened to us, is it really THAT unbelievable?”

 

“Agni says yes.”

 

“Well, to be honest I don’t know whether what he was saying was the truth, or if he was just a hallucination caused by the Vahi. Anyway, he said he could only contact who have or at some point will wear the Vahi, like Vakama, or some guy called Takanuva. Of course, he didn’t tell me how to beat Makuta, apparently because “spoiling it” would cause a rift in the space-time continuum. Klyma was furious when he heard this, and understandably so, his big plan had just blown up in his mask.

 

Vakama wanted to take the Vahi back to Ta-Koro, but Kylma was having none of it. Eventually he started yelling and shouting so often that his voice became almost permanently fixed to that volume. This is why he yells, you see.

 

When Vakama tried to take the Vahi back by force, Kylma actually fled the Wahi with the Vahi in hand. There was this huge manhunt for him across the entire island. He was gone for six months until he resurfaced. And only now do I realise just where he was during that time.”

 

“Uh… where?”

 

“The last place any Matoran on Mata-Nui would want to be. I mean, where do you think he got all this fancy equipment?”

 

IT WAS NOT AT THE LOCAL HARDWARE STORE

THAT IS FOR CERTAIN

[Toru Nui]

Part 270: The Cowboys

 

“Ladies, gentlemen and Kopaka: welcome to Po-Wahi!”

 

“Oh good. Can we leave now?”

 

“NO! Haven’t you listened to a word I’ve said?”

 

“Anyone who would WILLINGLY listen to you is either stupid, crazy, deaf, or asleep.”

 

“What’s a sleep? Is it a synonym for nap?”

 

“Did he say death? DEATH listens to Tahu!? TAHU! I ORDER YOU TO ORDER DEATH TO KILL KOPAKA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!”

 

“Huh? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

 

“*snore*”

 

“Haha! Smug mode.”

 

“…Stupid, crazy, deaf, asleep OR highly intelligent.”

 

“Why thank you.”

 

“I meant me you-*groan*”

 

“Enough! Let us begin our search! Onward, brave idiots!”

 

“Very well, but I swear to Mata Nui and all and any other benevolent entities that may inhabit our universe, that if I have to take yet ANOTHER sharp blow on the head from a rock, my higher brain functions-“

 

“Higher?”

 

“Functions?”

 

“BRAIN?!”

 

“Well you can try taking multiple spiky craggy stones to the head for all I care. See what good comes of it.”

 

“Perhaps if we find a few blunt rocks we can get Lewa comatose. Then we won’t have to listen to his voice anymore.”

 

“Yehheheheahahahaaa! Wait, you’re not serious are you?”

 

WHY SO SERIOUS

[Erasmus Graves]

They are serious but at the same time they are laughing behind their hands.

[Toru Nui]

Part 271: The Adventures of Fluffy and Mr. Snookums

 

CRASH! BANG! WALLOP! BREAK!

 

“NIXIE! OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOO-“ Nixie did so and the door slammed right into Hahli’s face. “…Ow…”

 

“Sorry about that, but you were standing far too close to it.”

 

SMASH!

 

“Nixie, what the Karzahni is going on in our room? And where is Macku? …Those questions have the same answer, don’t they?”

 

“Macku’s sleeping peacefully.” CLANG!

 

“Doesn’t sound like it. Normally when she’s sleeping there’s even more noise.”

 

“Oh, that’s Fluffy.” PLATES FRACTURING!

 

“I will bite your heart out and FEED it to you!!!” Screamed Turahk, but all it sounded to the Ga-Matoran was: “SNARL! SCREECH! GROWL!”

 

“He’s hungry, I should get him something. Do you have a can opener?”

 

“Wait, the Kraata’s OUT of its bowl?!”

 

“Well he wasn’t playing nice with Mr. Snookums, so I put him outside the bowl.”

 

“Snookums… the small, tiny little fish? Wasn’t being played nice with the poisonous evil slug creature?”

 

“Fluffy is NOT evil!”

 

“GLORY to Makuta! DEATH to the False God!”

 

“Loud, perhaps, but not evil!”

 

“…Let me in.”

 

“I don’t think you’ll be nice to Fluffy.”

 

“I’m not gonna do anything mean. I’m just gonna knock it unconscious with a frying pan, and present to Turaga Nokama. Because that’s how I roll.”

 

“…You might wanna get a different room now.”

 

“Ugh, I CAN’T. The owner’s gone missing for some reason.”

 

Meanwhile, in Onu-Koro… “AT LAST, I HAVE IT! THE WEAPON THOSE ONU-MATORAN MENTIONED! AND IT’S MINE! ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“WHAT DOES IT DO?”

 

READ THE MANUAL NUMBNUTS

[Erasmus Graves]

“You idiots could argue about the colour of the sky, couldn’t you?”

 

“Of course not! Anyone can see that the sky is blue!”

 

“Looks more like a turquoise to me…”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Turquoise IS blue, dummy.”

 

“No, it’s a shade OF blue.”

 

“Exactly! It is blue!”

 

“Nooo… it isn’t!”

 

“To me it looks more like cobalt.”

 

“The Karzahni is cobalt?”

 

“Greyish-blue.”

 

​"Fifty Shades of Blue - Did respected village leader Turaga Nokama really write it??? Find out tonight on Six Koros, the one Matoran current affairs show on this island you can really trust!!! (off the record, on the Q.T. and VERY Hush-Hush!)"

Edited July 17, 2016 by Erasmus Graves

[Toru Nui]

​"Fifty Shades of Blue - Did respected village leader Turaga Nokama really write it??? Find out tonight on Six Koros, the one Matoran current affairs show on this island you can really trust!!! (off the record, on the Q.T. and VERY Hush-Hush!)"

“PFFT. GOSSIP SHOWS. AHKMOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL PLEASE.”

 

BZPower 15^th Anniversary Special: Where Were They All?

 

Ladies and gentlemen, in celebration of our beloved site’s fifteenth birthday, we present to you a very special edition of BIONICLE 2001 Abridged. During the Dark Age, AKA 2011-2014, the cast of BIONICLE had to find work wherever they could.

 

Tahu got a job as an industrial incinerator in Japan. He was quoted as describing his job as: cathartic.

 

Gali became a worker at an aquarium in France. During her tenure, it was noted that several guests would be kicked out, covered in bruise marks, protesting that they only tapped the glass once.

 

Kopaka went into self-imposed exile in the Himalayas. When LEGO’S representative came to look for him for the 2015 reboot, he was found attempting to break the record for the world’s largest ice rink.

 

Lewa went on a treasure-hunting expedition in the Amazon. No, not the jungle, the website. Naturally, he was broke and penniless when they found him.

 

Pohatu became an assistant coach for the Dallas Cowboys, though he wished to keep that a secret so LEGO wouldn’t find out he was there and prosecute him for embezzling funds. They did so upon finding him and then immediately re-hired.

 

Onua disappeared off the face of the Earth before suddenly arriving at LEGO’S headquarters in Denmark one month before the reboot had even been announced. He wouldn’t say where he had been, although he seemed to have suffered brain damage during his disappearance.

 

Takanuva worked as a contractor specializing in constructing lighthouses. Of course.

 

The Turaga went to an old folk’s home in Canada. During this time Nokama (somehow) became pregnant. The father of the baby is a… DIVIDING topic amongst the others.

 

The Toa Inika/Mahri became stuntmen. How audiences couldn’t distinguish between a brightly coloured plastic man and a regular human is beyond even them.

 

Teridax lived in luxury in a large gloomy Victorian mansion in the UK. He set in motion the events that lead to Britain leaving the European Union. Just as planned.

 

And Mata Nui went into a coma. Again.

 

SERIOUSLY THOUGH

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BZPOWER

WITHOUT YOU NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE

Edited July 20, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Erasmus Graves]

 

​"Fifty Shades of Blue - Did respected village leader Turaga Nokama really write it??? Find out tonight on Six Koros, the one Matoran current affairs show on this island you can really trust!!! (off the record, on the Q.T. and VERY Hush-Hush!)"

“PFFT. GOSSIP SHOWS. AHKMOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL PLEASE.”

"Very well ,Master".

FZZT.

"Here on the island of Stelt, Sidorak is discovering the consequences of sculling five bottles of Slundaperg Rum the previous night.

​Argh. My head. Hurts. Bad. Can't even talk.

​Boss? Makuta at door. Wants to get in.

​Did YOU. Scull Slundy too. Last night, Krekka?

​Erm, Sidorak, that's the way he always talks.

​Think I've got. Amnesia...

Meanwhile, on another part of the island, the Korlione Family are plotting a raid on the 'K' Clan's warehouses..."

 

"REALITY GANGSTER TV. A NEW FAD. THIS BORES ME, AHKMOU. CHANGE THE CHANNEL ONCE MORE".

[Toru Nui]

​"Fifty Shades of Blue - Did respected village leader Turaga Nokama really write it??? Find out tonight on Six Koros, the one Matoran current affairs show on this island you can really trust!!! (off the record, on the Q.T. and VERY Hush-Hush!)"

“PFFT. GOSSIP SHOWS. AHKMOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL PLEASE.”

 

"Very well ,Master".

FZZT.

"Here on the island of Stelt, Sidorak is discovering the consequences of sculling five bottles of Slundaperg Rum the previous night.

​Argh. My head. Hurts. Bad. Can't even talk.

​Boss? Makuta at door. Wants to get in.

​Did YOU. Scull Slundy too. Last night, Krekka?

​Erm, Sidorak, that's the way he always talks.

​Think I've got. Amnesia...

Meanwhile, on another part of the island, the Korlione Family are plotting a raid on the 'K' Clan's warehouses..."

 

"REALITY GANGSTER TV. A NEW FAD. THIS BORES ME, AHKMOU. CHANGE THE CHANNEL ONCE MORE".

“Heck no, this is my favourite show! Too bad the main actors are dead now. THANKS TO YOU.”

 

1^st Anniversary Recap: For Your Convenience

 

“Hello. I am the Great Spirit Mata Nui. I have brought you guys to this lovely island paradises and given you the Three Virtues which you will probably ignore.”

 

“We shall name this island after you then: Mata-Nui.”

 

“MY BROTHER HAS AN ISLAND NAMED AFTER HIM AND I DON’T?! OUTRAGEOUS! I CAST UPON THEE A SPELL OF SLEEPINESS!”

 

“NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO-*snore*”

 

“NOW BEGINS MY THOUSAND YEAR REIGN OF TERROR! AND BRAINWASHED ANIMALS. MUAHAHAHHA.”

 

“Oh great. Where are our saviours?!”

 

“I’m on it.” EXPLOSION!

 

“Ooooooooohhhhhhhh… arrrghhh… that was the most uncomfortable canister I’ve ever slept in.”

 

“You are the Toa. You must collect the Masks of Power lying around everywhere to create your Golden Kanohi. Whatever those are.”

 

“I’ve got my Golden Mask.”

 

“Mine too.”

 

“I’d say I’m halfway there.”

 

“MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! I am now under The Makuta’s control, and therefore evil!”

 

“No you’re not.”

 

“Oh. Thanks.”

 

“Don’t mention it.”

 

“BAH! THE TOA ARE GATHERING THEIR MASKS TOO QUICKLY! AHKMOU, I NEED YOU TO DEAL WITH THIS!”

 

“Butterin’ toast!”

 

“CURSES! ELIMINATOR-“

 

“Oh no. I’m only supposed to deal with incompetent Dark Hunters. Not incompetent Toa. Cheerio.”

 

“HUMBUG! MANA-KO, I CHOOSE YOU!”

 

Kopaka used Glaciate! It’s super effective!

 

“…EVIL CLONES IT IS THEN.”

 

“We live to serve you, master…”

 

“He’s right. Seriously, we only exist to do what you say.”

 

“*groan* What did I eat?!”

 

“*sigh* The majority of Po-Koro has been afflicted by a strange illness. I swear to the Virtues, if this is the work of Ahkmou-“

 

“It is.”

 

“I’m in your quarry, poisoning your Koli Balls.”

 

“RAGH! THAT’S IT! Vakama, we feel you’re not doing a good job of running Mata Nui. We’d like to discuss this over your dead decaying corpse.”

 

“Certainly, Onewa. But how about INSTEAD of killing me, we have a nice peace conference on the summit of Mount Ihu.”

 

“Why there?”

 

“Because I said so.”

 

“OK.”

 

“Turaga Whenua, I represent the majority of Onu-Koro.”

 

“You only represent half Tehutti.”

 

“Whatever. Anyway we’re overthrowing you using this totally original giant robot I totally didn’t steal the plans from Nuparu.”

 

“And I totally didn’t put a highly evolved Kraata of Fear in there to function as it’s brain either.”

 

“CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!”

 

“See?”

 

“EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

 

“…I think we should side with Whenua instead of the crazy man with the giant robot.”

 

“Oh rrreeeaaalllyyy?!”

 

“Turaga Nuju, everyone appears to be fighting each other for no good reason!”

 

“Chirp?! Caw! Cluck! Twit-too-hoo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!” (What?! This is not good! Better get my weapons of mass destruction ready to blast the crud out of them. Tell the Toa they have three days to find their masks and defeat Makuta or I fire!)

 

“Also, Ehrye left that abandoned asylum we built in the middle of nowhere and is now working for Klyma in his hotel. Which is where practically every single character is now, because the peace meeting is on the day you plan to fire the weapons.”

 

“I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL-wait, I’m out of power already-THIS ROBOT RUNS ON ZINC BATTERIES! Tehutti, you cheapskate! Tehutti? Where is Tehut-“

 

“Oh him? He got eaten by some eldritch abomination me and Takua accidentally released from a giant sundial beneath Onu-Koro. But then the Toa made it go back underground, so I doubt we’ll ever see it again.”

 

“Surprise!”

 

“OH. YOU AGAIN.”

 

“Makuta, I have come to take revenge on you for sealing me away beneath Onu-Koro and take my rightful place as Chief Antagonist!”

 

“NO.”

 

Makuta used Shadow Hand! It’s super effective!

 

“NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO-ded.”

 

“HMM… YOU KNOW, I DOUBT ABSORBING A BEING OF PURE DESTRUCTION AND MALICE IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.”

 

What? Makuta is evolving!

 

“AH. I WAS RIGHT. Wait, what I am doing sharing my body with my island’s personal boogeyman? The last thing I remember is getting eaten by a swarm of body parts-oh look, I’m now a swarm of body part-SHUT IT.”

 

Congratulations! Your Makuta evolved into Void Makuta!

 

“Well, this robot body is now useless. I’d better-“

 

“Ooh look! It’s so CUTE! Can I keep him Turaga Nokama?! Pleeeaaaseee?!”

 

“Oh no…”

 

“Fine, Nixie. But you’ll have to feed it, water it, walk it and clean up it’s filth.”

 

“YAY!”

 

“Makuta! Father! Where are you?! SAVE ME!”

 

“I’M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW. THE SHADOW TOA HAVE BETRAYED ME AND HAVE TAKEN OVER MANGAIA, MY EVIL LAIR. I COULD KILL THEM EASILY, BUT I THINK IT’S BETTER TO SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. Well I think-SHUT UP!!!”

 

“I wonder what Kylma’s up too… probably nothing interesting.”

 

“MANIACAL LAUGHTER! I HAVE EXTRACTED THE SPIRITS OF EHRYE, NUHRII, AGNI AND VHISOLA! MY EXPERIMENT HAS BEEN A SUCCESS! NOW I’M OFF TO STEAL NUPARU’S SECRET WEAPON IN ONU-KORO! THEN I’LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO USURP AHKMOU’S POSITION AS MAKUTA’S RIGHT HAND MATORAN! BECAUSE IT’S SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN RIGHT IS BETTER THAN LEFT!”

 

“Oh great. Kylma left us locked inside his laboratory. We’ve managed to get our bodies back, but we’re in the wrong ones! I’m Nuhrii in Vhisola’s body! This is awf-actually, since I’m a heterosexual male inside the body of a fit female-“

 

“Shut up! Why is everyone stating the obvious today!? I mean, I’m Ehrye in Agni’s body and you don’t see me proclaiming it to the world! Wait, I’m not talking like a crazy person anymore. Eh, it must be because I’m in Agni’s body and therefore have Agni’s sane mind rather than my insane one.”

 

“Agni is in Ehrye’s body. Agni has Ehrye’s mind. Agni does not feel right.”

 

“Nuhrii, stop groping yourself and by extension me!”

 

“Will someone please knock out Vhisola in Nuhrii’s body?” THWACK! “Thank you. By the way, you wanna hear the story of how Kylma became Makuta’s servant?”

 

“Not really, but we have nothing else to do.”

 

“OK. Here we go. You see, it all started when-“

 

TO BE CONTINUED

Edited October 7, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Toru Nui]

Part 272: Shifting Sand Land

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIHAVESANDINMYEYESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“

 

“Congratulations. You people have somehow found a way to hate sand. SAND! It’s not even a person!”

 

“Quiet you. My elemental senses are tingling!”

 

“Ew…”

 

“No one wants to hear that.”

 

“No you pack of palookas! There’s a mask nearby, I know it!”

 

“Yes. It’s right there, on your face.”

 

“Nnnnnooooo…”

 

“Well it looks like there’s a mask on that large spire over there.”

 

“How can you tell from this distance?”

 

“X-Ray Vision.”

 

“Ah, of course.”

 

WAKE ONE

YOU WAKE THEM ALL

[Erasmus Graves]

 

​"Fifty Shades of Blue - Did respected village leader Turaga Nokama really write it??? Find out tonight on Six Koros, the one Matoran current affairs show on this island you can really trust!!! (off the record, on the Q.T. and VERY Hush-Hush!)"

“PFFT. GOSSIP SHOWS. AHKMOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL PLEASE.”

 

"Very well ,Master".

FZZT.

"Here on the island of Stelt, Sidorak is discovering the consequences of sculling five bottles of Slundaperg Rum the previous night.

​Argh. My head. Hurts. Bad. Can't even talk.

​Boss? Makuta at door. Wants to get in.

​Did YOU. Scull Slundy too. Last night, Krekka?

​Erm, Sidorak, that's the way he always talks.

​Think I've got. Amnesia...

Meanwhile, on another part of the island, the Korlione Family are plotting a raid on the 'K' Clan's warehouses..."

 

"REALITY GANGSTER TV. A NEW FAD. THIS BORES ME, AHKMOU. CHANGE THE CHANNEL ONCE MORE".

“Heck no, this is my favourite show! Too bad the main actors are dead now. THANKS TO YOU.”

"I WAS TOTALLY NOT DRUNK ON NEWFOUND POWER AT THE TIME".

[pause]

"Makuta, did someone ever tell you that you aren't as good a liar as you think you are?"

[Toru Nui]

Part 273: Repetition, Repetition, Repetition, Repetition, Repetition, Repetition, Repetition-

 

“Right, so nearly everyone’s gone to this peace summit, right?”

 

“That’s what I just said, you dumb-brain.”

 

“And it’s on top of Mount Ihu?”

 

“YES.”

 

“And everyone except you and a few others have left?”

 

“Look, if you keep repeating what I say stupid-pointlessly, you’re going to be here a while.”

 

“So if we, Hafu, Takua, Tamaru and Taipu keep repeating what you say-“

 

“If my bitter and unrelenting sarcasm-snark isn’t cluing you in, let me be as clear as day-glass. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.”

 

“…So if we leave you alone-“

 

“GO! LEAVE! EVACUATE! EXIT! SKEDDADDLE!”

 

“Well we would, but that would mean going ALL the way to Ta-Koro to ride the cable car to Ko-Koro. Are you sure we can’t-“

 

“Yes. Tamaru, explain.”

 

“The entire Gukko family, from the graceful Kewa to the mighty Kahu cannot survive in cold temperatures like those in Ko-Wahi. They don’t go there because their loyalty-friendship with us does not override their self-preservation-cowardice.”

 

“Not wanting to die is not cowardice. It is a gift to the world to keep on living, especially if you’re like me, Hafu, Hafu.”

 

“If you want to be there by sundown, I’d suggest you get going-running.”

 

“I doubt we can actually do that. Maybe we can stay in Onu-Koro. Nothing ever happens there…”

 

Meanwhile… “HOOOAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! I still don’t know how this thing works. Maybe I… maybe this button? No…”

 

DO NOT PUSH

[Toru Nui]

Part 274: Rhetorical Retards

 

Our heroes (and Kopaka) made their way to the spire in the middle of the desert where they believe a Mask of Power to be located. Only…

 

“Really? A spire? In the middle of the canyon? How did the Turaga, old senile decaying imbeciles they are, manage to get it up there? AND WHY DID THEY THINK THIS WAS A GOOD LOCATION?”

 

“You’re asking a lot of questions, and justified though they may be, we don’t know the answers to them.”

 

“I KNOW. THEY WERE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS.”

 

“No they weren’t.”

 

“COME AGAIN?!”

 

“A rhetorical question is a question that requires no answer. Your questions clearly require answers, so they are not rhetorical.”

 

“No, a rhetoric is speech designed to create an effect to its audience rather than ask for or give information.”

 

“That’s… basically what I just said, but with sesquipedalian loquaciousness.”

 

“NO, because he was trying to create an effect rather than obtain info. Therefore, his questions WERE rhetorical.”

 

“Well thank-wait, should I be pleased or angry at this?”

 

“Now that ISN’T a rhetoric because he genuinely wants an answer.”

 

“You didn’t answer my quest-actually yes you did. I’m angry, because I DO want an answer to that question!!!”

 

“The one about the spire or about your reaction to Gali’s babbling?”

 

“Was that rhetorical too?”

 

“*groan*”

 

“Probably. He’s trying to get a rise out of Kopaka.”

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“What do you mean probably?”

 

RHETORIC PROBABILITY

[Toru Nui]

Part 275: A Clockwork Musician

 

“So, Kylma was hiding at Mangaia during the manhunt for him, and now he works for Makuta.”

 

“That’s what I just said, you coconut with legs.”

 

“Agni asks what happened next?”

 

“After the heat died down-(though that would imply there was EVER heat here), he came back. And he welded the Mask of Time to my face. And then started forcing me to listen to some Le-Koro country music.”

 

“Those monsters…”

 

“Yes. It was also very odd, because I’ve been to Le-Koro, and they repeatedly and aggressively say that they have no musician, and that any proof of a Le-Matoran musician’s existence is Ta-Matoran propaganda.”

 

“To be fair, you’d be surprised to know what IS Ta-Matoran propaganda and what isn’t.”

 

“Like that old Turaga’s tale you all believe in? What’s his name… Lhi?”

 

“There is definitive and concrete proof that Lhi existed! We just don’t have it.”

 

“Oh sweet Mata Nui that is the OPPOSITE of proof!”

 

“No! Proof proves something! Therefore the opposite of proof must be something that DISPROVES something! Anti-proof, if you will.”

 

“Agni doesn’t believe what he’s hearing.”

 

“Look, I know you currently have my brain, my poor, fragmented, tortured brain, but would you please TRY to speak in first-person?”

 

“Agni makes no promises.”

 

“So he drove you insane by forcing you to listen to-“

 

“You don’t get off so easily.”

 

“Come again?”

 

“Anti-proof is still proof.”

 

“It’s the opposite of proof.”

 

“No. It’s proof. That disproves something. Proof can prove AND disprove.”

 

“Nonsense! Besides, there is no proof, OR anti-proof about Lhi!”

 

“All the more reason to disbelieve. Just because someone tells you something that has no proof or quote ANTI-PROOF unquote, you DON’T have to believe it. I know this is a new concept to your primitive brain, but try to get on my level of thinking. Actually that’s kinda too high for you, so just pretend to be on my level.”

 

“Oh, the level of INSANITY? Yes I’ll pretend to be on your level… OOOGA BOOOGA LOOOGA! HUNGAGAH! HUNGAGAH! Bleepbleepbleepbleepbleep! WQRGQWUiru3en7b3Yuns1yn2sy1m2yn1s-“

 

“What the Karzahni is wrong with you?”

 

“Agni wonders too…”

 

EHGTWHGHEG5H4HG63U5G3U3GU8354G3H5B3H45

[Toru Nui]

Part 276: Today’s Events Will Be the 10M Platform, and the Long Jump

 

“So, how do we get to that spire?”

 

“We don’t… poor choice of words actually, we CAN’T.”

 

“Oh come on. Use your IMAGINATION.”

 

“OK… a rainbow-coloured Dikapi!”

 

“How thoughtful of you to volunteer, Lewa.”

 

“Huh? Volunteer?” Onua grabbed Lewa and threw him across the chasm to get to the spire. It went as well as you’d expect. “YEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” SPLAT!

 

“…For the love of-YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY!!! So much for falling with style-“

 

“I WASN’T READY YOU CHARCOAL CRETIN! Besides, I couldn’t reach that.”

 

“How about we use our brains for once and get Pohatu to do it?”

 

“Why HIM?!”

 

“Why ME?!”

 

“Why YOU?!”

 

“Because momentum.”

 

“Ah. I get it.” TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK. “Actually, no.”

 

“*sigh* Get a very long running start and jump across. And remember to use your mask, that was Lewa’s mistake.”

 

“I WASN’T READY!”

 

“OK, here goes nothing.” Pohatu ran into the distance, and then ran back and jumped over the chasm… and ended up on the other side of the chasm, completely overshooting the spire and the mask. Oh, and he broke his neck when he landed. “YYYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!! Insult to injury, much? Or rather, injury to insult…”

 

“My patience wears thin…”

 

“What patience?”

 

“EXACTLY. GET TO WORK.”

 

MOMENTUM

JUST BECAUSE

[Toru Nui]

Part 277: Welcome to the Jungle, We Got Fun and Games

 

“I, Hafu, cannot believe that we, Hafu, Takua, Tamaru and Taipu, have to go all the way back to Onu-Koro!”

 

“And I, Tamaru, still say this is not the right-correct way back to tunnel-city!”

 

“And I, Takua, still say you don’t get to be navigator! Your sense of direction is terrible. If it were any more terrible, you would break the laws of physics themselves.”

 

Meanwhile, on Daxia… “HELRYX IT’S NOT MY FAULT! I WANTED TO TELEPORT INTO THE MEN’S BATHROOM! NOT YOURS!”

 

“…Anyway, this section of jungle looks familiar. I think we’re headed in the right direction.”

 

“You think, or you know?”

 

“Well what do you think?”

 

“That you think but you don’t know. I think. I don’t know.”

 

“Hm, I think that you think I think but that’s what you think and I know that and I know we’re going the right way.”

 

“I, Hafu, think that-“

 

“STOP.”

 

SHA NA NA NA NA

KNEES

KNEES

[Erasmus Graves]

We need to have more regular updates.

[Toru Nui]

We need to have more regular updates.

 

“Sorry about that. a certain someone set fire to the script.”

 

“It was Shadow me! We've been over this!”

 

“Sure.”

 

2016 Halloween Special: Don’t Scare Me, I’m Hugged

 

“What are we doing?”

 

“I don’t know. Waiting for something to happen. Anything to happen.”

 

“Anything sounds like a broad term.”

 

“That is because it IS.”

 

“…It is what?”

 

“A broad term.”

 

“What is?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Anything can be a broad term?”

 

“NO, anything IS a broad term.”

 

“So it’s not possible for something not to be broad? THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME FAT IF IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME NOT TO BE?!”

 

“YOU IDIOT!”

 

“Wait a second, I just realised something! WE’RE ALL STUPID!”

 

“No, just you and him.”

 

“All includes YOU, Onua. Think about it: none of us know how to read!”

 

“*gasp* YOU’RE RIGHT! The only one who does is Gali and women can’t be smart.”

 

“First of all, that’s INCREDIBLY sexist. Second of all, I can read as well.”

 

“Then that makes YOU a woman as well!”

 

“What.”

 

“If only Gali was around… she could teach us how to read. And explain perhaps why we’re in this saccharinely coloured house.”

 

“You realise I could teach you how to read TOO, right?”

 

“I’d rather have someone who isn’t creepy educate me, thank you.”

 

“How am I creepy?!”

 

“Oh Onua, let me count the ways: you’re pitch black-“

 

“Racist.”

 

“-you have claws for hands-“

 

“I have more fingers than you, so shut up.”

 

“-your eyes are a sickly green-“

 

“Tahu’s eyes are bright red, and we all know what THAT means.”

 

“-and your mask makes you look like Jason Voorhees.”

 

“He ALSO has a mask!”

 

“Yes, it’s a very similar looking one.”

 

“While Pohatu put it in the stupidest way conceivable, I would like someone who is NOT the stuff of nightmares teach me literacy.”

 

“WELL TOO BAD.”

 

“MAKUTA!!!”

 

“THANK YOU, TOA OBVIOUS.”

 

“How did you get in here?!”

 

“WELL HOW DID YOU?”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“EXACTLY.”

 

“If you’re going to kill us, do it quickly. We have a tanning appointment in half an hour.”

 

“NONE OF YOU REQUIRE TANNING. YOU HAVE A NATURAL TAN, ONUA IS PITCH BLACK (SORRY BUT ITS TRUE), AND TAHU LOOKS LIKE HE’S BEEN OUT IN THE SUN TOO LONG… WHILE NAKED.”

 

“Naked? NOBODY in BIONICLE wears clothes!!!”

 

“DOES NOT MAKE YOU ANY LESS NAKED, FOOL. SINCE YOUR SISTER IS CURRENTLY… PREOCCUPIED… I SHALL TEACH YOU HOW TO READ.”

 

“Why should we trust you!?”

 

“YOU SHOULDN’T. BUT YOU’RE GOING TO ANYWAY.”

 

“…Hmm. OK then. Start with the letters of the alphabet.”

 

“WHO’S TEACHING THIS LESSON?”

 

“You are…”

 

“EXCELLENT. WE SHALL START WITH THE LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET.”

 

“Figures.”

 

“Wait, where’s that music coming from? It’s… oddly catchy.”

 

“AHEM… A IS FOR ANARCHY~, B IS FOR BLOODSHED~, C IS FOR CAAARNAAAGEEE~-“

 

“Is he… singing to us?”

 

“D IS FOR DESTRUCTION~, E IS FOR EXPLOSIONS~, F IS FOR FU-“

 

“WHOA! OK! I think we’ve heard enough, let’s just lea-“

 

“YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.”

 

“What… why has the music changed?”

 

“Um… my innards are longer in. This is troubling, to say the least.”

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHAT’SHAPPENINGWHAT’SHAPENNING-“

 

“ATUKAM LIAH. ATUKAM LIAH. ATUKAM LIAH. GNITNAHC YPEERC EROM.”

 

“Oh come on guys. It’s just shock horror. The worst kind of horror. …Apart from jumpscares, but that’s kinda the same thing.”

 

“TO BE HONEST I DON’T THINK YOU IDIOTS WOULD EVEN BE SCARED OF ANYTHING LESS UNSUBTLE THAN THIS GARBAGE.”

 

“PU TUHS.”

 

“WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT-“

 

“OK, I THINK I’VE DEMONSTRATED MY POWER FOR LONG ENOUGH. SEE YA.” Poof!

 

“*groan* What happened?”

 

“Makuta was messing with us. Apparently he thinks so little of us he did this the most demeaning way possible: cheap internet horror.”

 

“TEERTS EMASES NEVE.YRACS GNIHTYNA EKAM NAC ENOYNA DNA YREGAMI GNIBRUTSID DNA EROG DNA DOOLB EMOS, EREHT DNA EREH SERACSPMUJ WEF A. HPMH.”

 

“Stop that.”

 

“OT TNAW T’NOD I.”

 

NOW LETS ALL DISAGREE

TO NEVER BE CREATIVE AGAIN

[Guest]

          friend!

First, I have to say whole story is one of the best things I found on the internet. (This means I like it very, very much)

 

I also have one question... Is it OK if I TRY to make stop motion animation out of your story. (I said TRY, because I am not very experienced stop motion artist, but I have some film making knowledge though (which is quite similar)). It would be voiced and not subtitled. I think it is better that way, since hearing the actual voice is better for that kind of comedy. 

 

Note: Even if you say yes, I can not promise anything, because reasons.

 

And most important message of the day: Keep up the good work!

[Toru Nui]

          friend!

First, I have to say whole story is one of the best things I found on the internet. (This means I like it very, very much)

 

I also have one question... Is it OK if I TRY to make stop motion animation out of your story. (I said TRY, because I am not very experienced stop motion artist, but I have some film making knowledge though (which is quite similar)). It would be voiced and not subtitled. I think it is better that way, since hearing the actual voice is better for that kind of comedy. 

 

Note: Even if you say yes, I can not promise anything, because reasons.

 

And most important message of the day: Keep up the good work!

 

Well thank you. If this stop-motion idea ever comes to pass, just remember five important things:

 

1: Fast movement and over-the-top body language are your friends. They keep you from getting bored animating, and the audience from getting bored watching.

 

2: If backgrounds are an issue, you can use green screen, or shoot it like a play and have the characters on a stage with a curtain as a backdrop.

 

3: The characters are mostly 2001 sets, and as such are a pain to get hold of physically. The internet should assist you in your search. Also some characters, like Eliminator and the Void, don't have sets. They could be ommitted from the story entirely (since neither were really that funny in hindsight) or you could create your own. Which sounds harder than it does.

 

4: Makuta's voice should not be funny. His dialogue is funny. His voice should be TERRIFYING. If you can't find anyone who fits the bill, just use your voice and apply so many voice changing effects to it until it no longer sounds like a human being.

 

5: Finally, don't release the first episode immediately after you complete it. That's what I do, and that doesn't work out to well, as you can see by the... noticable gaps between posts these days. But on the other hand, I don't expect you to finish them all before it premiers, if that happens I wouldn't expect you to be done by 2020. In fact I don't expect this project to get off the ground, but if it does happen, just follow these five simple rules, and you'll have my... well not blessing, that sounds pretentious. Who am I kidding, I'm beyond pretentious, you have my blessing.

 

Part 278: Red=Leader      

 

“OK, I have a new plan.”

 

“Oh joy. I can’t wait to hear it.”

 

“It’s very simple.”

 

“I doubt that.”

 

“Not even YOU idiots will be able screw it up.”

 

“Unless the plan is flawed. Which it is-“

 

“SHUT UP. You haven’t even heard it yet!”

 

“Well if you came up with it, it can’t be a good plan.”

 

“That’s a fair assessment.”

 

“*groan*”

 

“I say we hear him out. If it’s not useful, it’ll at least be entertaining.”

 

“I am NOT a performing Brakas!”

 

“Silence Brakas!”

 

“You WILL listen to me! I’m your leader!”

 

“I’m sorry, when did we agree to YOU being in charge?”

 

“You didn’t, but I am, so shut it.”

 

“…Why?”

 

“Because I say so, that’s why!!!”

 

SLAP! “Ow.”

 

“This doesn’t seem very democratic.”

 

“This is NOT a democracy!”

 

“I propose a REVOLUTION!!!”

 

“I propose you help me CLIMB OUT OF THIS GORGE!!!”

 

“I propose you SHUT UP LEWA!!!”

 

“Look, if we all took our decisions via votes, NOTHING WOULD EVER GET DONE.”

 

“Uh, nothing IS being done.”

 

“EXACTLY!!! HELP ME!!!”

 

“Yes, but even MORE nothing would be done.”

 

“How could there be more of nothing? That’s a paradox.”

 

“YOU’RE A PARADOX!!!”

 

“I call for a vote of no confidence in Tahu, and propose a new form of government.”

 

“SUCH AS WHAT???”

 

“Communism, perhaps?”

 

“NO! Communism is the spawn of the Makuta!”

 

“…Come again?”

 

ONUA PREFERS CAPITALISM

CAPITALISM WITH A CAPITAL C

[Guest]

Well thank you. If this stop-motion idea ever comes to pass, just remember five important things:

 

1: Fast movement and over-the-top body language are your friends. They keep you from getting bored animating, and the audience from getting bored watching.

 

2: If backgrounds are an issue, you can use green screen, or shoot it like a play and have the characters on a stage with a curtain as a backdrop.

 

3: The characters are mostly 2001 sets, and as such are a pain to get hold of physically. The internet should assist you in your search. Also some characters, like Eliminator and the Void, don't have sets. They could be ommitted from the story entirely (since neither were really that funny in hindsight) or you could create your own. Which sounds harder than it does.

 

4: Makuta's voice should not be funny. His dialogue is funny. His voice should be TERRIFYING. If you can't find anyone who fits the bill, just use your voice and apply so many voice changing effects to it until it no longer sounds like a human being.

 

5: Finally, don't release the first episode immediately after you complete it. That's what I do, and that doesn't work out to well, as you can see by the... noticable gaps between posts these days. But on the other hand, I don't expect you to finish them all before it premiers, if that happens I wouldn't expect you to be done by 2020. In fact I don't expect this project to get off the ground, but if it does happen, just follow these five simple rules, and you'll have my... well not blessing, that sounds pretentious. Who am I kidding, I'm beyond pretentious, you have my blessing.

 

Thank you for your blessing and tips. If there is no word from me till February 2017, there is a great chance this project died. I hope for the best and I'll keep you updated.

Edited November 14, 2016 by Guest

[Toru Nui]

Thank you for your blessing and tips. If there is no word from me till February 2017, there is a great chance this project died. I hope for the best and I'll keep you updated.

If you're having trouble finding sets, visit the Buy/Sell/Trade forum.

 

Part 279: As if Things Weren’t Confusing Enough

 

“If you’re quite done being a twit, I will carry on with the story.”

 

“Agni says yes please.”

 

“So, Kylma (now working for Makuta) welded the Mask of Time to my face. As we all know, we Matoran can’t even use Noble Kanohi, let alone Legendary ones, but he reasoned that all you needed was a good dose of insanity, hence the bad Le-Matoran country music.”

 

“*shiver*”

 

“Of course, he was fifty shades of wrong. He got so desperate he borrowed a Kraata from Makuta and had it poison my mind. I went mad, but the mask would still not work for me. He explained away the situation to Turaga Nuju (conveniently forgetting to mention his involvement) and hired a group of Po-Matoran to build an entire asylum out in the Ko-Wahi Wastes just to keep ME locked inside. Karzahni, he even installed a heat-seeking missile launcher there to blast anyone who got near it into kingdom come.”

 

“Wait, why did you decide to work for the guy who drove you insane?”

 

“Because I WAS insane. Fortunately, now that my spirit is within a body with a sane mind, I can see clearly now that it was a poor decision.”

 

“Hold on, this hotel can’t be THAT profitable. Where did he get the money for it?”

 

“The Onu-Matoran, remember? The one who embezzled money from the Onu-Koro Mining Company?”

 

“Oh right. But you never said who he was.”

 

“I DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS! All I know is that he was clearly an amoral scumbag, and that he probably got away scot free.”

 

Meanwhile… “How did my life go so wrong?! I had power, prestige, and popularity! Now I’m stuck here, under bios of dirt and rock, my body now a pile of rubbish, fused to the most evil being in the universe!!! WHY!? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY-SHUT UP!!! How long do we have to-AS LONG AS I SAY SO, THAT’S HOW LONG! THE INCOMPETENCE OF THE SHADOW TOA COULD BE USEFUL. AND ENTERTAINING. …You know, you and I think a lot alike. NO WE DON’T, AND DON’T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN.”

 

“Are we SURE Makuta’s dead?”

 

“Well he hasn’t said anything, so I’d assume he is. He’d tell us if he wasn’t dead, right?”

 

“I don’t understand, how can they NOT hear us? WE’RE COMMUNICATING TO EACH OTHER TELEPATHICALLY, YOU FOOL. VERY SIMPLE, CONSIDERING WE NOW SHARE THE SAME BODY. WELL NOT REALLY BODY, MORE LIKE A MANGLED PILE OF LIMBS ON THE GROUND.”

 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! “Hold on, who can that be?”

 

“Was anyone expecting visitors?”

 

“Well I did try ordering a pizza on that computer, but I think I might have accidentally ordered a-“

 

The door suddenly burst open. “HELLO MY GOOD FRIEND, THE MAKU-I SAY, YOU FELLOWS AREN’T THE MAKUTA. WHO ARE YOU?”

 

“*GROAN* NOT THIS GUY AGAI-*groan* not this guy agai… we really do think a lot-SILENCE!”

 

THE PLOT THICKENS

BECAUSE SHADOW LEWA ORDERED THICK CRUST

[Toru Nui]

Part 280: Light and Shadow

 

“Onua look, I know for a fact, you are mentally stunted. Not to mention physically-”

 

“I am NOT a hunchback!”

 

“It’s OK, we all have our freaky mutations. I have no hands or fingers for example. I have to attach these hooks into the holes where they would be to hold anything.”

 

“*sigh*… OK, the point is, you’re stupid. But I have to ask: how is communism-“

 

“Communism is a false ideology created by the Makuta to make the lazy and undeserving Matoran think they should be treated exactly the same as the Matoran who actually give a darn.”

 

“I don’t know what a communism is, but I’m guessing that’s wrong.”

 

“It is NOT! I read in a book.”

 

“Don’t believe everything you read, Onua.”

 

“Really? Tell me: can any of you three read? DIDN’T THINK SO.”

 

“Well I can. They can’t.”

 

“You’re a woman. You don’t matter.”

 

“*sigh* I bet Shadow Me doesn’t have to put up with this misogamy.”

 

Meanwhile… “Gali, get this midget out of the house! And where the Karzahni is the sandwich I told you to get me?!”

 

“You realise that Lewa JUST ordered a pizza, right?”

 

“Well I don’t think it was-“

 

“ENOUGH!!! You better have a good reason for coming here little Matoran, or else…”

 

“…OR ELSE WHAT, EXACTLY?”

 

“I don’t know. Something unpleasant. Something EVIL.”

 

“EVIL?! WELL THEN MY GOOD-ER, EVIL SIR, I BELIEVE I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.”

 

“WHY IS IT THAT ALL MY EMPLOYEES SEEM TO TAKE PRIDE IN BEING “EVIL”? I AM NOT EVIL, I JUST SIMPLY KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR EVERYONE WHEN NOBODY ELSE DOES. Urgh, I KNOW, right? It’s such a pain to better than everybody else in every conceivable way. ARROGANT FOOL. Hey! We’re ALLOWED to be arrogant. You and me? We’re AWESOME. NO NO, I AM AWESOME. YOU ON THE OTHER HAND…”

 

“Proposition?”

 

“That’s what he just said, dummy.”

 

“Why would a Matoran help us? Aren’t they the kind of people we want to subjugate?”

 

“I thought we were going to kill them all. But yeah, subjugation sounds… FUN.”

 

“Were you always this creepy, Pohatu?”

 

“Yyyeeesss…”

 

“…OK.”

 

“Don’t you see? He wants to help us in exchange for power when we conquer the island. Open door philosophy, and all that.”

 

“Very well. We will allow you to serve us, little one.”

 

“Well he will. I won’t.”

 

“ACTUALLY MY DEAR FELLOWS, I WAS HOPING YOU COULD HELP ME.”

 

“Oh. Well then buzz off or die.”

 

“Fine. I GUESS YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SUPREME OVERLORDS OF MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS.”

 

“…We’re listening.”

 

“Huh? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

 

“*groan*”

 

HE IS KYLMING THE RANKS

[Erasmus Graves]

Groovy puns, baby!

[Toru Nui]

Groovy puns, baby!

 

Part 281: Things That Go EUWFHRWERFHEWUAIHFEWIH in the Night

 

“Think the Turaga’s sleeping alright?”

 

“He drank through three barrels of alcohol. If he doesn’t sleep like a log tonight, I’m a Muaka.”

 

“If you say so.”

 

“I DO say so.”

 

“That’s what I said.”

 

“Nonono, you said IF I say so.”

 

“No, I said if YOU say so.”

 

“That’s what I said!”

 

“No, you said that I said what you said. Which I didn’t.”

 

“*groan* I’m too high for wordplay right now. We’ll have this discussion in the morning.”

 

“You’ll be high tomorrow as well.”

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“Your track record with being high. Speaking of record, why haven’t you been outlawed from playing Koli if you take drugs all the time?”

 

“Because I don’t take any performance-enhancing drugs. Only recreational drugs. They couldn’t care less how stoned I am as long as I’m not juiced.”

 

“That makes too much sense for comfort.”

 

“MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAH!”

 

“...Did you hear something?”

 

“Pekka, I’m HIGH. I hear lots of things, some of which probably aren’t real. Isn’t that right, invisible man?”

 

“Well I heard something… weird. Like a slug trying to laugh. It was-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF-“

 

“Chillax man. It looks harmless. It probably doesn’t even-OHNOYOUWERERIGHTOHGREATSPIRITHELPMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

 

I AM THE ONE HIDING UNDER YOUR BED

TEETH GROUND SHARP AND EYES GLOWING RED

I AM THE ONE HIDING UNDER YOUR STAIRS

FINGERS LIKE SNAKES AND SPIDERS IN MY HAIR

Edited December 2, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Guest]

This is Halloween, this is Halloween

Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

[Toru Nui]

This is Halloween, this is Halloween

Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

No, this is Christmas.

 

2016 Christmas Special Part 1: Rogue None: A BIONICLE Parody, Episode I/II

 

And now for something completely different.

 

“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far aw-“

 

“We’re not doing that.”

 

“…What.”

 

“The opening scrawl. We’re not doing it.”

 

“WHY NOT?!”

 

“Because the movie we’re parodying didn’t.”

 

“THAT JUST MAKES IT EVEN MORE INSULTING! I demand to speak to my agent!”

 

“I AM your agent.”

 

On the planet of Icelan-er, Lah’mu, Director Kopaka is trying to draft recruit a research scientist into working on the Death Star.

 

“The sand is BLACK?! What sorcery is this!?”

 

“Oh Mata Nui, why is HE playing a SCIENTIST?”

 

“I’ll never join you! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!”

 

“Can I kill him, instead of his wife? Oh fine. Come with me, Cave Johnson.”

 

“How about instead of building a Death Star, we invent COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS, to BURN THE REBELLION’S HOUSE DOWN!?”

 

“NO. And how did you even get that reference?”

 

“What reference?”

 

“*groan*”

 

Fifteen years later, the scientist’s daughter has been drafted recruited by the Rebel Alliance to rescue her father from Imperial luxury custody.

 

“But I’m his sister, not his daughter. The implications of this are… not pleasant.”

 

“You’re only pretending to be his daughter. It’s called acting.”

 

“Yeah, I mean, I’m not REALLY a robot-“

 

“Droid.”

 

“Tomato, potato-“

 

“Those are-*sigh*, whatever.”

 

“Now as I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, I’m not really a ROBOT, but an artificially created biomechanical equivalent of a white blood cell, that looks like it’s made of plastic. Robots are silly sci-fi convention. Beep, boop, bleep.”

 

“Yes yes, whatever. Apparently we’re supposed to find a traitor Imperial pilot who has information about some kind of super weapon.”

 

“Would you say, it’s a super duper weapon?”

 

“Considering it can blow up planets, yes. The pilot is apparently being held captive by a rebel extremist on the planet of Jorda-er, Jedha.”

 

“Wait, aren’t WE rebel extremists?”

 

“Yes, but he’s even MORE extreme.”

 

Fifteen years later, on a Star Destroyer overlooking the now completed Death Star…

 

“Grand Makuta Teridax. It is an honour to make your… your…”

 

“WHAT IS IT, WORM?”

 

“Sorry, it’s just that you look… I don’t know… a little fake? You’re clearly computer generated. I mean, it’s a very good generation, but-“

 

“YOU REALISE PETER CUSHING IS DEAD, RIGHT?”

 

“Can’t he just regenerate? He DID play the Doctor, didn’t he?”

 

“THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS, YOU IMBECILE. AND THE TWO PETER CUSHING MOVIES ARE NOT REAL DOCTOR WHO.”

 

“But they have Daleks in the-“

 

“SO DID LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION. NOW SHUT UP, SIT DOWN, AND GIVE ME A TARGET TO TRY OUT THE NEW KILL BEAM. LET’S TRY SPACE JERUSALEM.”

 

Fifteen years later, on Jedha, the traitor pilot is being interrogated by the extremist and a discount kraken, which is never seen again after this scene.

 

“This is the Bore Mullet. It can read your thoughts, and will know if you are lying.”

 

“MY MIND!!! IT IS FULL OF CHEESE!!!”

 

“Of course an unfortunate side-effect is that one tends to lose one’s marbles.”

 

“Sir, we have brought in a prisoner who claims to know you.”

 

“Someone actually remembered me from the Clone Wars animated show? I was a lot paler then.”

 

“I hear you’ll be appearing in the new Rebels series next, sir.”

 

“Most excellent.”

 

“Hello, Mr. 10 Per Cent.”

 

“How dare you. I am at least twenty percent.”

 

“Did the pilot bring you a message from my father?”

 

“Lewa is your father? That is a can of worms best incinerated.”

 

“Nonononoono, he’s PLAYING the father of the character I’m playing.”

 

“Ah, I see. Yes, he did in fact bring me this message.”

 

“~Oh, I’m working on the Death Star, all live long daaay! I’m working on the Death Star, just to pass the ti~-oh, what’s this? A hole? Aah, it’ll be fine. The chances of a proton torpedo successfully firing all the way down it into the main reactor are… let me check… very very small. Like Kopaka’s intellect.”

 

“I HEARD THAT YOU GREEN EMPTY-HEADED FU-“

 

“OOOKAAAY, I’ve heard enough, now let’s get this message back to the Rebel Alliance.” KABOOM! “…What was that?”

 

“That was the sound of three hundred nameless extras crying out in terror, and then suddenly silenced. Also you should leave before the shockwave hits you.”

 

“No argument here, but what about you?”

 

“Well I have no other purpose in the story. I guess I will just stand here and die. I am black, you know.”

 

Fifteen years later, on the planet of-

 

“Why are we all standing out here in the rain? Can the Galactic Empire not afford any umbrellas?”

 

“Oh for the love of… look. I know one of you, but I don’t know which one, sent the pilot to the extremist.”

 

“How dare you!”

 

“I, random Imperial Engineer, would never betray my, random Imperial Engineer's, country!”

 

“THIS IS ABSURD!”

 

“I know, right? Can’t we just do this inside the base? You know, the nice, dry, internally heated base?”

 

“Alright, which one of you sold the Empire out?”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Now I’m going to turn around and close my eyes, and I want the guilty party to step forward. Don’t be worried, you won’t be punished or anything, what would give you that idea? I just want to know who did it, OK?”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“*cough*”

 

TWHACK! “DIRTY SCUMBAG TRAITOR, I KNEW IT WAS YOU!”

 

“Actually it was me.”

 

“…*sigh* Of course it was. Alright, paint this platform’s floor green… WITH HIM. AHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAH-is that an entire squadron of Rebel Starfighters?”

 

“BOMBS AWAY!”

 

“Why yes, a very astute observation, Director Kopak-“ BOOM!

 

“NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I didn’t get to kill him myself!”

 

“Oh fantastic. Without him, we can’t prove that the Death Star has a weakness.”

 

“Wait a minute, what about that recording he made? And shouldn’t you be a little more torn up about the fact your own father just DIED?!”

 

“I’m a Toa of Water, not a Toa of Acting. That would be Lewa.”

 

“Oh sweet MERCY! This the END! Oh DEATH, where is that guy, sting?!”

 

“And the recording?”

 

“I stored it onto a Dell computer.”

 

“…And?”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“NO.”

 

“Yes. It exploded. And the shrapnel blinded that force-user we were carrying along.”

 

“MY EYES! ALL I SEE IS METAL AND BLOOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-hold on, I’m a Toa of Sonics, I don’t need to SEE! Seeing’s for suckers. You! You there! Yeah you, reading this! You’re a SUCKER!”

 

TO BE CONTINUED

WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT

Edited December 25, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Toru Nui]

2016 Christmas Special Part 2: Rogue None: A BIONICLE Parody, Episode II/II

 

Fifteen years later, on some, random lava planet, maybe Mustafar, but why he would hang out on a planet that severely crippled him is beyond me, Darth Onua is paid a passing visit by Director Kopaka.

 

“Who disturbs my BACTA BATH?! *cough*cough*cough* WHY IS THERE SMOKE EVERYWHERE, they KNOW I have breathing problems! AND WHY DOES THIS DOOR TAKE SO LONG TO RISE UP?!”

 

“*sigh* Dark Helmet is more intimidating than this.”

 

“It’s not MY fault I was typecast into this role! Seriously, me being black and scary has somehow qualified me for this!”

 

“I know, right? I thought you had to be TALL to play Darth Vader. Your deformities prevent you from being taller than me, or any of our brothers. Except maybe Pohatu. You DO have the whiny simpleton part down though. Or is that pre-Mustafar Vader?”

 

“Well joke’s on you, or should I say CHOKE’S on you, because according to the script, I now have to choke you with magic.”

 

“The Force.”

 

“Shut up. Now, prepare to be-“

 

Fifteen years later, in some studio in Englan-er, I mean the Rebel Base, no one can decide on the appropriate course of action. Our heroes, the criminal, the officer, the droid, the traitor pilot, the blind man and the mercenary along with a bunch of red shirts starship-jack what looks like a fat X-Wing.

 

“*bzzt* Hey, what’s going on? Your ship isn’t due for being hauled off to the landfill on Taris for… let’s see here… *papers shuffling* three minutes. Care to explain this discrepancy? *bzzt*”

 

“Uh… everything’s under control, situation normal!”

 

“*bzzt* What happened? *bzzt*”

 

“Uh… had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… ev-everything’s perfectly alright now, we’re fine, we’re all fine here. Now. Thank you… how are you?”

 

“*bzzt* We’re sending a squad up. *bzzt*”

 

“Uh… uh-negative, negative, we have uh… a reactor leak here, uh… now, give us a few minutes to lock it down, uh… l-large leak, VERY dangerous.”

 

“*bzzt* …Who is this? What’s your callsign?! *bzzt*”

 

“It’s, um… Rogue. Rogue One.”

 

“Title drop!”

 

“*bzzt* Well now, why don’t you just sit tight and I’ll order up a little celebration for ya. Including FIREWORKS. *bzzt*static*”

 

“Boring conversation anyway, LET’S GET THIS BIRD IN THE AIR!”

 

“This is starship, not a bird. I thought YOU would know that.”

 

“Just start the darn thing.”

 

Fifteen years later, on the planet of Maldives-er, I mean Scarif, Director Kopaka is cycling through the deceased scientist’s e-mails to see if he gave away the Death Star’s glaring weakness.

 

“Now you see this is EXACTLY why I don’t use Facebook. They keep sending messages about you having two new notifications. EXACTLY two. It’s ALWAYS two. I mean-“ KABOOM! “…What was that?”

 

That was the sound of the rebels attacking.

 

“OHMAKUTAOHMAKUTAOHMAKUTAOHMAKUTAOH-“

 

“Protect me, bodyguard!!!”

 

“Sorry mate, it’s every man for himself!”

 

“IDON’TWANNADIEDON’TWANNADIEDON’TWANNADIE-“

 

“IamwiththeForceandtheForceiswithmeIamwiththeForceandtheForceiswithmeIamwiththe-“

 

“*sigh* Bloody fairies.”

 

Meanwhile, inside the facility…

 

“The Death Star plans are NOT in the main computer.”

 

“Well shi-“

 

“HALT IN THE NAME OF THE EMPIRE!”

 

“-ingles…”

 

“Excuse while I nobly sacrifice myself so that you may live.”

 

“But you can’t die! You’re genuinely endearing and funny!!!”

 

“So was Han Solo. Fly, you fools!”

 

And so the party began to dwindle. The droid died, followed by the traitorous pilot…

 

“GRENADE! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!! …And good-looking if I do say so myse-“ KABLOOEY!

 

Then the blind Jedi-wannabe…

 

“Hey bodyguard, check this out. Their aim sucks so much I can just walk up to the switch without them hitting me-OW! I REGRET MY DECISION! I REGRET EVERYTHING! I REGRET EVERYTHIN-well not everything, but… hurk… BLARGH…”

 

And then the mercenary.

 

“It’s like shooting Bog Snakes in a barrel out here! Hahahahahahahahhaha-wait, what’s that in the sand ther-“ EXPLOSION!

 

“*sigh* This happens EVERY TIME we split the party.”

 

“Enough of this! Who ARE you?!”

 

“You know who I am…”

 

“…No. I don’t. That’s why I’m aski-Ouch! I am mortally wounded but not completely so I don’t die immediately!”

 

“Fire melts ice, Elsa. Be sure to remember that when we get back to canon.”

 

“Hate you… hate you all…”

 

“That’s nice. Real sweet.”

 

“Sir, we have the Scarif base in range.”

 

“YOU MAY FIRE AT WILL. MY WILL, SPECIFICALLY, WHICH WANTS YOU TO FIRE THE GUN OF KILL-EVERYTHING NOW.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“I SAID NOOOW!!!”

 

“Eep… right away sir…”

 

“EXCELLENT, AND IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY TO SAY THIS… AHEM…

 

I’MA FIRING MAH LAZOR!!!”

 

“Ugh… my spleen… it serves no practical purpose, but it hurts like Karzahni… hey, is that the Death Star up there? What is it doi-OH SHI-“ RANDOM EXPLOSION NOISE!

 

“We’re going to DIE in the explosion?! That’s not a happy ending!”

 

“I know.”

 

“Nobody likes an ending where the heroes die!!!”

 

“Yes they DO. They’re called tragedies. That’s why Romeo and Juliet is so compelling. If you can understand what they’re sayin-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS!!!”

 

“MY SKIN IS METLING!!! GLAALARJRHJKAJEKR!!!”

 

Aboard the Capital Rebel Ship…

 

“Hey guys, mind handing us our top secret plans back? I know I just kinda slaughtered the ever-loving crud out of your guys back there, but that was in good fun, right? You know, just a playful massacre between two opposing military factions, no harm no fou-you’re gone, aren’t you?”

 

“GETGOINGGETGOINGGETGOINGHE’SRIGHTBEHINDUSOHSWEETARTAKHAHAVEMERCY-“

 

“*sigh* Load Episode IV. Might as well ride this train all the way to the end.”

 

Cast:

Tahu: Rebel Intelligence Officer

Kopaka: Director Kopaka

Gali: The scientist’s criminal daughter

Pohatu: The droid

Onua: Darth Onua

Lewa: The scientist

Onewa: Himself

Whenua: The extremist

Jaller: Rebel Communications Officer

Kongu: Rebel Y-Wing Pilot

Nuparu: Imperial Engineer #1

Hafu: Imperial Engineer #2

Ahkmou: Traitor Imperial Pilot

KYLMA: IMPERIAL ENGINEER #3

MAKUTA: GRAND MAKUTA TERIDAX

Shadow Onua: Imperial Officer

Eliminator: The mercenary

Krakua: The blind force-user

 

HYPE TRAIN FOR EPISODE VIII

CHOO CHOO

Edited December 25, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Toru Nui]

2017 New Year’s Special: Resolving Resolutions

 

We asked the cast of BIONICLE 2001 Abridged to come up with New Year’s Resolutions. The results are what you’d expect.

 

Tahu: To be more polite to the braindead morons that surround me.

 

Kopaka: To find a way around that no-killing rule we Toa have.

 

Gali: To continue to be better than my brothers in every field.

 

Pohatu: To not let the existential dread set in.

 

Onua: To stop having my skull pierced by sharp rocks.

 

Lewa: To be the very best, like no one ever was.

 

Vakama: To find a way to make Krakua shut up.

 

Matau: To pop the question.

 

Nokama: To die single.

 

Onewa: To cleanse my spirit of sin, or something.

 

Whenua: To show more emotion, if I can.

 

Nuju: Chrip! Ka-caw! Twit-too-whoo!

 

Takua: To prove once and for all that I am NOT scared of my own shad-OH NO IT’S GROWING BIGGER!

 

Jaller: To punch Nuhrii in the face more often.

 

Hahli: To win next year’s Koli Championship and rub it in all the Po-Matoran’s stupid masks.

 

Matoro: To overcome my crippling fear of death.

 

Nuparu: To invent COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS.

 

Hewkii: To quit drugs SCREW THAT.

 

Kongu: I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE, YOU SORRY MAGGOT!

 

Tamaru: To prove to Kongu that I am no longer a maggot, and that I have grow-matured into a fly. I might be taking his metaphor a bit too far-literal though, but you get the idea-gist.

 

Macku: To get Hewkii to quit drugs.

 

Hafu: To continue being the greatest in all the land.

 

Taipu: To learn what loquacious means.

 

Kapura: To learn the mystic art of fast-travel.

 

Kopeke: To show those arrogant Po-Matoran who carves the greatest statues.

 

Ahkmou: To become as great as Makuta, someday.

 

Tehutti: To become GREATER than Makuta! I mean, I’m already AS great as him, but I could be greatER.

 

Ehrye: Ehrye says to keep Agni’s brain. Nice brain. No fuzziness in it.

 

Nuhrii: To become Vakama’s right-hand man, and show that lunatic Jaller the door.

 

Vhisola: To become Nokama’s right-hand woman, and show that dork Hahli the door.

 

Orkahm: To die.

 

Kylma: TO USHER IN MY REIGN OF TERROR UPON THE LAND AND FINALLY BUY THOSE NON-STICK PANS.

 

Agni: To get my body back from that eerie Ehrye.

 

Onepu: To make Mata-Nui great again. Then again, it was never great in the first place. To just make it great then, I guess.

 

Nixie: To potty-train Fluffy, and get him to stop putting Mr. Snookums in his mouth.

 

Pekka: To get to say OBJECTION! More often.

 

Sanso: To get those barbarians to appreciate my art.

 

Krakua: To finally get my mitts on the manual for this time projector thingie.

 

Botar: To stop teleporting into the women’s changing room BY ACCIDENT. Stop looking at me like that Johmak.

 

Turahk: To get a fully-functioning body in time for the final stage of THE PLAN.

 

Eliminator: To get this darn Krana of my face and become a free-thinking being again. Don’t tell the twins I said that.

 

Shadow Tahu: To burn! Burn it all!!!

 

Shadow Kopaka: To make everything just right, and then freeze it, so everything will be perfect… forever.

 

Shadow Gali: To wash over their puny ideas of freedom and liberty and brotherhood which are OBVIOUSLY ridiculous concepts to begin with.

 

Shadow Pohatu: To STONE to death my enemies. Get it? Heheheheh… BECAUSE STONE! EHWOOWHWPAWJJWABAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

 

Shadow Onua: To unearth the treasures of this mysterious land, and keep them in that pocket dimension that I and everyone else seems to have on their back. FOREVER. CAUSE IT’S MINE. IT’S ALL MINE.

 

Shadow Lewa: To make everyone as free as air… by destroying all the conventional institutions of power and introducing total anarchy, but you can’t make an omelette without murdering a few eggs!

 

MAKUTA: HTTP://KNOWYOURMEME.COM/PHOTOS/423623-ROMNEYS-ETCH-A-SKETCH

 

THINK THE TURAGA ARE NOT FIT TO LEAD DO YOU

THE ALTERNATIVES ARE FAR WORSE

Edited January 8, 2017 by Toru Nui

[Guest]

MAKUTA: HTTP://KNOWYOURMEME.COM/PHOTOS/423623-ROMNEYS-ETCH-A-SKETCH

 

Links are case sensitive...

 

http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/423623-romneys-etch-a-sketch

[Toru Nui]

Links are case sensitive...

“THAT MUST BE MY FIRST MISTAKE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.”

 

Part 282: A Bridge

 

“Alright. Onua, use your Earth powers to build a bridge to the spire.”

 

“How?”

 

“WITH YOUR EARTH POWERS. Don’t make me repeat mysel-“

 

“HOW?”

 

“WITH YOUR EARTH POWERS!”

 

“HOW???”

 

“WITH YOUR EARTH POWERS!!!”

 

“WHY ISN’T ANYONE HELPING ME?!”

 

“SHUT YOUR FACE, LEWA!”

 

“Hey guys, wassup?”

 

“And then we have THIS loser.”

 

“SWEET ARTAKHA!!! How did you get across the gap?”

 

“Oh I used my powers to make a bridge of stone across the gap.”

 

“SEE?! Why couldn’t YOU do that Onua!?”

 

“Why didn’t you grab the mask on the way?”

 

“’Cause he’s a dumba-“

 

“BECAUSE BUSINESSES BEING TAKEN OVER BY THE GOVERNMENT IS COMMUNISM!”

 

“Oh. I didn’t think of that.”

 

“IT SHOULD BE THE OTHER WAY AROUN-“

 

“Shut UP!!!”

 

TRUTH

LIBERTY

MONEY

THE ONU-KOROAN WAY

[Toru Nui]

Part 283: White Hole

 

“So what is it?”

 

“I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE, NO-ONE HAS.”

 

“Except us, obviously.”

 

“WELL, OBVIOUSLY. BUT MY BEST GUESS IS THAT’S IT’S A DIMENSIONAL CANNON.”

 

“So what IS it?”

 

“I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE, NO-ONE HAS.”

 

“Nononono, as in, what IS a Dimensional Cannon?”

 

“YOU KNOW HOW NORMAL CANNONS PUNCH WALLS THROUGH BUILDINGS?”

 

“Ohohhohohohoho YES… continue…”

 

“…OKAAAY, WELL, A DIMENSIONAL CANNON PUNCHES A WALL THROUGH REALITY, AND INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION.”

 

“There are OTHER dimensions?”

 

“Oh great. As if things weren’t confusing ENOUGH.”

 

“I don’t believe you. I don’t think it’s possible.”

 

“You don’t think it’s possible that we can enter other dimensions or that there ARE other dimensions?”

 

“Look I just need-“ Kylma fired the cannon in a random direction, causing purple energy to materialise into a white portal five feet away from him and the Shadow Toa. “…proof.”

 

“So… what is THAT?”

 

“I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE, NO-ONE HAS. WELL, I SAW ONE BEFORE I CAME TO SHOW YOU THIS, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.”

 

“We need a volunteer to scout out the new frontier! Quick, which one of us is the most expendable?”

 

“Well-“

 

“That was a rhetorical question. GET OVER THERE!”

 

“Alright, alright. Only because you’re all SCARED of the big scary white hole.”

 

“We’re not scared of you, Kopaka.”

 

“*groan* OK, let’s have a-OH SWEET MERCY WHAT THE KARZAHNI IS THAT?! IT’S ADORABLE! I MUST FREEZE ONE AND KEEP IT IN MY GALLERY!”

 

“What do you see?”

 

“THE ENBODIMENT OF ALL THAT IS CUTE, WHAT ELSE?!”

 

“This dimension is useless to us then. How do we access OTHER, other dimensions?”

 

“I JUST TAP RANDOM COMBINATIONS INTO THIS KEYPAD ON THE... THE THING. HERE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED, THE UM... THE FLAT TOP OF THE GUN.”

 

“This is a ridiculously easy way to pervert the laws of space-time. Good work, Matoran! Maybe your kind’s not COMPLETELY useless to us after all.”

 

“MY THANKS, MY LONG-CLAWED HUNCHBACKED FRIEND!”

 

“I AM NOT-“

 

“So what is it?”

 

“I AM TAL-“

 

“I’VE NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE, NO-ONE HAS.”

 

“I-“

 

“Only joking!”

 

“Will someone please shove knives down his throat?”

 

“So you built this yourself?”

 

“I WILL NOT BE IGNOR-“

 

“OH-NO. I MADE IT WORK. THE ORIGINAL DESIGN WAS BUILT BY AN AMATEUR WHO WOULDN’T KNOW HOW QUANTUM PHYSICS WORKED IF IT HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A TEXTBOOK.”

 

Meanwhile, in the Ko-Koro Hotel…

 

“My omnidisciplinary scientist senses are tingling!”

 

“Don’t say that when we’re in the same bed-“

 

“Someone, somewhere on the island is questioning MY understanding of quantum physics! MINE!”

 

“Oh no. What a terrible crime. Truly, this demands justice.”

 

“YOU’RE DARN RIGHT IT DOES! WHERE’S MAH JETPACK?!”

 

“You crashed it.”

 

“Drat! To the Nuparumobile!!!”

 

“The WHAT.”

 

“Vroom vroom! Come Onepu! We must vanquish the evil that-THERE ARE ZOMBIES OUTSIDE OUR ROOM.”

 

“That’s probably the room service.”

 

“Brains… brains…”

 

“Probably.”

 

NANANANNANANANANNANAAN

NUPARU

[Toru Nui]

Part 284: The Concept of Flight

 

“HOORAY! I NOW HAS THE MASK OF LEVITATION!”

 

“I now HAVE. You HAVE the Mask of-“

 

“Oh shut up. THE POWER OF FLIGHT IS MINE!”

 

“Not impressed! I could fly too, if I had the mask!”

 

“Oh for the love of-levitation is NOT flight!!!”

 

“How did you get out of the canyon then?”

 

“Very carefully.”

 

“Ah, you just went the long way round, I getcha.”

 

“HE FLEW OUT! HE’S LYING!”

 

“THIS MASK DOESN’T LET ME LIE, IT’S FALLING WITH-with… hold on, I’ve gone wrong somewhere.”

 

“Conceptualization?”

 

“Alright, for the final, FINAL time, the Kanohi Miru, Great Mask of Levitation, is NOT flight! If it WAS flight, I would be able to change pitch and yaw and altitude and all that jazz! What the Miru DOES let me do however, is FALL WITH STYLE! And look fabulous while doing so.”

 

“No-one cares about you, or your mask! OK, Pohatu has four out of six, that’s close enough, how about we start searching for MY masks instead?”

 

“SHUT, UP, FROOOSTY.”

 

“That is not my name, but… whatever.”

 

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS OF AVIATION

THE NUI-KOPEN SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FLY

IT HAS FRAGILE WINGS THAT ARE TOO SMALL TO GET THE FAT PIECE OF TRASH OFF THE GROUND

NEVERTHELESS THE NUI-KOPEN FLIES ANYWAY

THIS IS BECAUSE THE NUI-KOPEN DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT MATORAN THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE

[Toru Nui]

Part 285: Island War Z

 

“This hotel sucks! The food’s bad, the staff are nowhere to be found, and there are FAR too many zombies roaming the corridors!”

 

“Brains… brains…”

 

“SHUT UP, PEKKA WITH WEIRD GREEN TATTOOS!”

 

“It’s a good thing their walking speed is worse than mine, or else we’d REALLY be in for it.”

 

“Those aren’t tattoos, you idiot! That’s Antidermis!”

 

“They’ve been corrupted by Makuta! Jaller, Kapura! Get behind me!”

 

“What about me, Turaga?”

 

“Well Agni, since there’s a noticeable lack of Nuhrii around I need to use you as my meat shield.”

 

Meanwhile in the basement… “Huh? Wha?”

 

“OK… you’ll find a way to unzombify me, right?”

 

“Brains… brains…”

 

“Sure, whatever. Possibly. If we have time.”

 

“On the bright side, there will be no noticeable difference apart from the green liquid dripping from your skin.”

 

“Right, well, just give a warning before you push me so-I SAID WARN-“ CHOMP! “YOW! Brains… brains…”

 

“See? What did I tell you?”

 

“Uh oh. I think we made them angry, they’re starting to move faster.”

 

“What do we do Turag-Turaga? Where’ve you gone?”

 

“Huh. Nuparu was wrong. It IS possible to break the speed of sound without making… a sound.”

 

“Brains… brains…”

 

“We should also prove Nuparu wrong too.”

 

“Yes, that would be-“ CRASH! Suddenly, down the corridor, they could make out Zombie Hewkii getting flung out of the way by a fast-moving door.

 

“WHO DARES TO QUESTION MY GENIUS?!”

 

“*sigh* Why can’t we fear the zombie apocalypse like a NORMAL couple?”

 

“Don’t touch me.”

 

I DO NOT LIKE ZOMBIES

COME AT ME

Edited January 20, 2017 by Toru Nui

[Toru Nui]

Part 286: Only One May Enter Here…

 

“So, you think there might be a mask in that cave?”

 

“The dark, dank, foreboding cave with ominous, eerie sounds coming out of it?” ROOOAAAR! “No, I don’t see how there might be an important plot item in there.”

 

“Well then, can we move on and go to Ko-Wahi so-“

 

“I was being sarcastic. I know how to do that too you know. You’re not special.”

 

“Hmph. Not YET anyway…”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Yes. Like you. Nothing. Good. Because you’re nothing.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“Hmm…”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“Hmm!”

 

“HMM.”

 

“Hmm!!!”

 

“HMM!”

 

“ENOUGH!!! Onua, scout out the cave.”

 

“What??? Why me?”

 

“Because it’s a cave, dummy.”

 

“I fail to see how that-“

 

“Think about this. Very. CAREFULLY, Onua. This is a CAVE. Now, what are caves found in? The? The E? E? EEEEEE-”

 

“Deserts. Cause clearly we found it in one.”

 

“*sigh* THIS is the only one of my brothers even REMOTELY smart…”

 

“GET OVER THERE!!!”

 

“FINE. *groan*”

 

“What do you see?”

 

“NOTHING! IT’S PITCH BLACK IN HERE!”

 

“Well then be careful not to trip up over your own feet.”

 

“WHY WOULD I… oh.” GROWL! “NOPENOPENOPENOPERUNNINGRUNNINGRUNNING.”

 

“What are doing!? GET BACK IN THERE!”

 

“I know from prior experience that I seem to have this invisible bullseye only Rahi can see painted on me. I am NOT going to be a meat shield just so Pohatu can join the Kanohi Club.”

 

“Aww… but you’re so GOOD at being a shield! Which is meat.”

 

“THANK YOU, LEWA…”

 

“There won’t be much meat on him once that thing in there decides to investigate what disturbed its sleep.”

 

SNARL! “I don’t think there’s gonna be any meat on ANY of us when it’s done…”

 

“What do you-OH.”

 

“KUMA-NUI!!! RUN!!!”

 

“I think we’re well beyond that sta-“ CHOMP!

 

OM NOM NOM

TASTES SALTY

[Erasmus Graves]

Hilarious, as usual.

[Toru Nui]

Hilarious, as usual.

 

Part 287: Ehrye Voices

 

Even as Antidermis Zombies began roaming the corridors of the Ko-Koro Hotel thanks to a certain Kraata, the four Matoran with swapped bodies thanks to Kylma’s science stuff locked in the basement had gone to sleep since it was late. Well, Vhisola (in Nuhrii’s body) was unconscious, but that’s kind of sleep, right?

 

“Eeehyreee… Eeehyreee… Ee-wait a minute, you’re not Ehrye! You’re… you’re… I don’t know who you are. Obviously no-one importan-oh wait... oh dear... this is one of the timelines where... *sigh*”

 

“Krakua? Long time no see. You haven’t spoken to me across time and space for quite some time. How’s goes making sure Makuta doesn’t win in any timeline ever?”

 

“Not good. Makuta’s a genius everywhere. Evil, but a genius. The two seem to go hand in hand… Chirox, Mutran, the Shadowed One…”

 

“I don’t know what any of that is.”

 

“Even Kylma. Definitely a genius. Who else could build a machine that removes your spirit without it getting sent to the Red Star? Or perfect a machine that allows for interdimen-NO! No. I can’t give away spoilers. I could break the entire timestream…”

 

“I’m going to assume this all makes sense to YOU. Was there an actual reason you came here, or…”

 

“Ehrye, I’m gonna level here with ya man. Crazy bad stuff is coming your way! I can’t tell you what this stuff IS though, but I can tell you this: it’s bad! And crazy! And crazily bad! And badly crazy! Speaking of which, you need to get everyone in this room back in their original bodies.”

 

“Why would I want to do that?! Kylma turned my old brain into mush with that Vahi, that Kraata, AND that Le-Matoran country music album! But Agni’s brain is one hundred percent sane! Though I DO have this overwhelming urge to commit war crimes... I’m sure I’m fine.”

 

“YES, but truth be told, I’ve seen other timelines where you don’t return back to your bodies. The results ain’t pretty, man. Especially Nuhrii. He’s a lecherous pervert INSIDE a woman’s body. He’ll do some pretty disturbing stuff if you leave him in there. I’ll spare you the details, but-“

 

“He becomes a prostitute, doesn’t he?”

 

“…How did you know?”

 

“The observational powers of a sane brain. Speaking of which: SCREW YOU! AND SCREW YOUR TIMELINES!”

 

“Ehrye, the stake of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is at… stake… here. I meant to say FATE of the entire universe but… come to think of it, the universe isn’t exactly very big compared to the real-“

 

“THE ANSWER IS NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!”

 

“But it’s NOT your head though! It’s Agni’s head and you should give it back! Speaking of which, the fake Agni should be zombified abooouuut... NOOOW.”

 

“Fake Agni? Why would anyone want to disguise themselves as Agni? …And what do you mean, “zombified?””

 

“OHLOOKATTHETIMEIBETTERGOBYE.” POP!

 

“…No wonder his fellow De-Matoran couldn’t stand him.”

 

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE PRETTY DESPERATE TO DISGUISE YOURSELF AS AGNI

JUST LOST YOUR JOB LEVELS OF DESPERATE