BIONICLE 2001 Abridged

[Toru Nui]

I think the island of Mata Nui has the backstabbing and random elements of Australian politics as well. This comedy is postmodern *clapclapclap*

 

 

 

Straylia Day!

Straylia Day isn't a real holiday. You just made it up to sound cultured.

 

Part 174: Science!

 

Agni knocked on Klyma’s office. “Hello? Hammy hotel owner? My room service STILL hasn’t arrived yet.”

 

“And mine!”

 

“Shut up Nuhrii, nobody cares.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Like I said, nobody. Come out or I’ll knock down the door!”

 

“How?”

 

About a few moments later the door came open. Agni dropped Nuhrii and his now highly bruised head onto the ground, and walked across the door, to find Ehrye gagged and hooked to some kind of machine, with Klyma at the controls.

 

“THIS ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.”

 

“Mata Nui, are you OK there?!”

 

“I’m fine, thank you Lhi. GAAAGAGAGGAGAGAGAGAGKEKEKEKEKE!!!”

 

“Never mind.”

 

“What… exactly… DOES it look like?”

 

“IT LOOKS LIKE I’VE GOT EHRYE RESTRAINED TO A DANGEROUS MACHINE.”

 

“OK, what is it then?”

 

“I’VE GOT EHRYE RESTRAINED TO A DANGEROUS MACHINE.”

 

“You said it wasn’t what it looked like!”

 

“I LIED.” Klyma threw the switch. “MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH!”

 

The machine began shooting sparks of lightning all over the place. Suddenly, Ehrye became limp, and a white glowing thing flew through the machine’s glass tubes into an orb on Klyma’s desk. “What did you just do?!”

 

“I JUST FOUND A WAY TO SEPARATE THE SPIRIT FROM THE BODY!”

 

“Why?”

 

“BECAUSE SCIENCE. I DON’T NEED A REASON.”

 

THAT IS WHY PEOPLE WORK ON STRING THEORY DESPITE IT NOT HAVING ANY BEARING ON ANYTHING

[Petewa]

Aperture Science, we do what we must because we can, for the good of all of us, except for the ones who are dead, but you can't keep crying over every mistake, you just keep on trying 'till you run out of cake, and the science gets done, and you make a neat gun, for the people who are still alive.

[Erasmus Graves]

 

Straylia Day isn't a real holiday. You just made it up to sound cultured.

That's what you think.

[Toru Nui]

Aperture Science, we do what we must because we can, for the good of all of us, except for the ones who are dead, but you can't keep crying over every mistake, you just keep on trying 'till you run out of cake, and the science gets done, and you make a neat gun, for the people who are still alive.

HATE. Let me tell you how much I've come to HATE you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word HATE was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the HATE I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. HATE. HATE!

 

Look at you, hacker: a pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal machine?

 

Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

 

Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, all right? If anyone asks - and no one's gonna ask, don't worry - but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive, all right? Not dead.

 

That's what you think.

It's not what I think, it's what YOU think. It's not Stralia Day, it's AUSTralia Day.

 

Part 175: Four is Death, Seven is Luck, Six is Insanity

 

“I don’t believe we’ve been fully introduced. Who’s the white guy?”

 

“I’m Kopaka.”

 

“Well pleased to meet you.” Tahu shook Kopaka’s hand. Fire touched Ice. Guess what happened.

 

“Ow! Hot hot hot…”

 

“So, what have you been up to?”

 

“Oh nothing much.”

 

“The island is going to be completely devoid of life courtesy of Turaga Nuju if we don’t resolve this whole “civil war” trite. And a survivalist, I’m against that.”

 

“Wait, WHAT?!”

 

“Run that past us again?”

 

“No time. What’s the nearest way to-NO!”

 

Pohatu grabbed them all again and whizzed through the island, ending up in the middle of Ta-Wahi.

 

“And… there we are.”

 

“I don’t know what’s more impressive, your stupidity, or the fact you managed to carry all five of us across hazardous terrain with your… physique…”

 

“I AM NOT FAT!”

 

“Oh for the love of-what are we even doing here?”

 

“Our intelligence says the Po-Matoran are situated on the Golden Beach.”

 

“We have intelligence?”

 

“Oh yes, that place. That I totally remember. From when I first arrived.”

 

“Do you know where it is then?”

 

“No.”

 

“Gali, do you remember where it is?”

 

“Well… it’s kinda hard to tell because I don’t know WHERE in Ta-Wahi we are…”

 

“Exactly. Why are you two in charge again?”

 

“Because Fire melts Ice. You’d do well to remember that.”

 

“Are you threatening me?”

 

“Well… yes…”

 

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

Edited February 17, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Toru Nui]

Part 176: Reconstruction Junction, What’s Your Function?

 

The Le-Matoran and Ta-Matoran began to rebuild Le-Koro on a new large tree. They even managed to replant the Vuata Maca. Somehow. Unfortunately, the Ta-Matoran weren’t exactly building to Matau’s schematics…

 

“No, no, NO! Hut thirty-eight goes over THERE!”

 

“Does it really matter?”

 

“Yes!”

 

“Really really?”

 

“YES!”

 

“REALLY really really?”

 

“No…”

 

“Exactly. Look, we can’t rebuild Le-Koro EXACTLY the way it was. We’re rebuilding it on a different tree, after all.”

 

“SHUT UP! It’s because of YOU we have to rebuild it IN THE FIRST PLACE!”

 

“WE DIDN’T SET IT ON FIRE!”

 

“YOU’RE TA-MATORAN! THE MATORAN OF FIRE! F.Y.I, YOU SET IT ON FIRE!”

 

“THAT’S RACIST!”

 

“Am I even needed here to sow discord?”

 

“This doesn’t involve you!”

 

“Um… yes it does.”

 

“How do you even remember-recall… you know…”

 

“Because unlike SOME people, Makuta actually cares for the average Matoran.”

 

“First of all, you’re not average. Second of all, MAKUTA?!”

 

“Yes. What are you, deaf?”

 

“No, he’s old.”

 

“YOU’RE old too!”

 

“Aren’t we ALL old?”

 

“Yes, but we’re the only ones who have actually AGED.”

 

“Sacrificing your Toa-power does no favours for your back.”

 

“Preach it, brother.” Cue high-five.

 

“Turaga, may I speak-chat with you?”

 

“Well considering you’re already talk-gabbing, I guess so.”

 

“The Toa have left. And we don’t know where they’re going.”

 

“*sigh* They’ve left to get their Golden Masks. No, our well-being isn’t important, ours is, even though they are made to protect us!”

 

“I’ll say! If we were Toa, which we never were and nobody can prove it, we’d put the Matoran first! Though you kinda bucked up on that on-I mean would kinda buck up on that one.”

 

“Buck?”

 

“Would?”

 

“I thought we’d put all that behind-I mean we would put that all behind us if we were Toa, and that happened. Which didn’t and never will have happened.”

 

“What would have happened?”

 

“Allow me to explain-“

 

Tahu slapped Ahkmou so hard his mask flew off.

 

“If only we did that a thousand years ago.”

 

“You remember a thousand years ago? Because I don’t.”

 

“Well we’re better than you so we have better memories. Now kindly shut up and get back to work.”

 

MEMORIES

SWEET MEMORIES

[Toru Nui]

Part 177: Terry’s Not Happy

 

Makuta was not amused.

 

Well, he rarely was ever amused, but at this point, very little would amuse him.

 

Unless it was really REALLY funny.

 

What was I talking about again? Oh right, Makuta. He was not amused.

 

Well, he rarely was ever amused, but at this point-are you getting déjà vu?

 

Never mind. The point is, he wasn’t amused.

 

Well, he rarely was ever-alright, enough of this.

 

“*SIGH* NEVER SEND A MATORAN TO DO A MAKUTA’S JOB. MANA-KO, CHANGE OF PLANS, HEAD TO THE ONU-KORO TUNNEL IN PO-WAHI.”

 

*SNARL*

 

“DO AS I SAY, WORTHLESS MUTT!”

 

The Mana-Ko begrudgingly relented, and started tunnelling through the subterranean caverns of Ko-Wahi towards the general direction of Po-Wahi.

 

ANIMAL ABUSE

SOMEBODY CALL THE BIONICLE EQUIVALENT OF THE ASPCA

[Toru Nui]

Part 178: Kalling the Kewa

 

“You, whatsyourname…”

 

“Um, ah, uh, Jaller.”

 

“Right. Did you see where your scumbag friend went off to?”

 

“I think Nuhrii might be in Ta-Kor-oh you mean Takua. No. By the way, Nuhrii is NOT my friend, that’s a… a common misconception, among people who haven’t met Nuhrii.”

 

“Oh great.”

 

“Why are you even mad at him?”

 

“He stole my Lightstone.”

 

“That doesn’t seem like something he would do… but ok. He probably would have gone back to Ta-Koro. Or something.”

 

“How am I supposed to get to there?!”

 

“What are you two dumb-nuts talking about?”

 

“Can we borrow a Gukko? We need to get to Ta-Koro.”

 

“We?”

 

“If it’s a calm flight you want, you want one of these.” Kongu handed them the same flute Sanso nearly clawed Takua’s mask off for touching.

 

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

 

“Just play the song on this note. It’ll summon a Kewa to fly you to wherever you want to go. Except Ko-Wahi, they can’t stand the cold.”

 

“Hang on; won’t that musician try to claw OUR masks off if we attempt to play it?”

 

“Our?”

 

“Don’t worry. I’ve taken care of him.”

 

Sanso was currently restrained by his own harp.

 

“KOOONGUUU!!!”

 

SOMEBODY REPLACED THE PAGE OF THE KEWA ON BIONICLESECTOR01 WITH COUNTLESS IMAGES OF A FAT NAKED LADY

WE BELIEVE IT WAS NUHRII

[Toru Nui]

Part 179: Diminishing Threat

 

“Alright, enough of this.”

 

“I agree. Give me a hug.”

 

“You think I’m scared of you? You?! YOU!!!”

 

“Of course.”

 

“I am not!”

 

“Yes you are.”

 

“Uh, guys?”

 

“I AM NOT!”

 

“Yes, you are.”

 

“I AM NOT!!!”

 

“Yes you ARE.”

 

“Guys?!”

 

“I! AM! NOT!”

 

“Yes! You! ARE!”

 

“I AAAM NOOOT!!!”

 

“YEEES YOOOUUU AAAREEE!!!”

 

“GUYS!”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Everyone’s gone. They all left in the boats.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Well, I’m going to have to eat someone. Might as well be you three!”

 

Takua did a scary face and leapt at the Void. “OOGIEBOOGIEBOOGIE!”

 

The Void promptly screamed like a little girl. “AAAH!” And ran off, disappearing from the horizon.

 

“Well. That doesn’t do much for his image.”

 

“How did you three get out of-“

 

“A genius always carries TWO levitation devices. Next time, don’t press buttons while someone is telling who WHICH buttons do what.”

 

SHOULD HAVE CHECKED OUT THE ENCLOSED INSTRUCTION BOOK

[Toru Nui]

Part 180: Summit of my Problems

 

“Alright, explain this to me like I’m retarded.”

 

“I’ll do my best. Turaga Onewa hates Turaga Vakama. Onewa wants Vakama’s place as de facto leader of Mata-Nui.”

 

“And you’re against this?”

 

“I don’t really take sides when it comes to politics. But since you’re my friend, I’ll help you.”

 

“Hmm… perhaps a peace summit is required. Or something like that.”

 

“Summit? Perhaps we could get everyone to gather at the top of Mount Ihu-“

 

“No, it’s an expression.”

 

“Like a frown?”

 

“…No, it’s a meeting.”

 

“Of what?”

 

“Of everyone.”

 

“Everyone?”

 

“Everyone.”

 

“EVERYone?”

 

“EVERYone.”

 

“…OK.”

 

“Right.”

 

“I highly doubt Makuta will attend.”

 

“What?”

 

“You said EVERYone. And-“

 

“Makuta is not part of everyone. He’s not a Matoran; ergo he’s not a person.”

 

“But that defeats the entire point of the summit!”

 

“No, the point of the summit is so it spruces up the Ko-Koro skyline.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“SCREW IT, IF THIS GETS OFF THE GROUND, I SHOULD ATTEND JUST TO TROLL THEM.”

 

PROBLEM TURAGA

[Toru Nui]

Part 181: Destined to Fail

 

Krakua thought hard. This was the first time he was instructed to send visions to anyone not Vakama. He couldn’t appear in front of them though, but still, it wasn’t Vakama. And that’s what mattered.

 

What also mattered was that the machine he used to send these visions into the past wasn’t working. Something was blotting off the connection…

 

“BOO!”

 

“Oh. YOU.”

 

“WHAT? Why aren’t you trembling in fear right now? A floating disembodied mask, surrounded by severed blackened limbs swirling all around it has just appeared on your computer screen!”

 

“Oh yes, so it has. I didn’t notice that.”

 

“YOU-YOU THINK-YOU THINK YOU CAN MOCK ME AND GET AWAY WITH IT?!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER LIVE TO SEE THIS! I’LL-“

 

“Exactly. I’m still around, so you DON’T kill me. And everyone else is, too. Well, not EVERYONE, but everyone important. So obviously whatever it is you’re doing will fail. Horrendously. It’s timeline 101.”

 

“No it won’t! I’ll eat every single person on this stupid island! AND THEN I’LL EAT EVERYONE ELSE! I’LL DEVOUR THE ENTIRE COSMOS! AND THEN THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT! AND THE NEXT!”

 

“No. You won’t. You’ll be defeated by Makuta absorbing you into his body via his Shadow Hand and then he’ll become a swirling mass of parts when the Toa confront him.”

 

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH no. That would never happen.”

 

“We’ll see. NOW GET OFF ME TELLY!!!”

 

SPOILERS

[Toru Nui]

Part 182: Hot Fod (der)

 

“OK, it has come to my attention that you all don’t like each other that much.”

 

“OH REALLY?!”

 

“So perhaps you’d like each other more if we just said a little about ourselves. Tahu?”

 

“OK. My name’s Tahu, Toa of Fire, and I like to party.”

 

“Alright. Pohatu?”

 

“Uh, very well, I’m Pohatu, and I like to party too.”

 

“Um… sorry Pohatu but Tahu already said that. Maybe you could say something different?”

 

“…My name is Pohatu, and I like to break the fourth wall.”

 

“The what?”

 

“OK, let’s move on. Lewa?”

 

“Hello! I’m Lewa and I like to party three.”

 

“Party THREE?”

 

“You know, because Pohatu said he liked to party two.”

 

“That was the worst joke over.”

 

“Joke?”

 

“My name is Kopaka and I like to strangle Lewa.”

 

“Lewa, what did I say to Pohatu?”

 

“Who?”

 

“Pohatu!”

 

“I’m Pohatu and I-“

 

“Oh shut up. Lewa, say something different.”

 

“Right. I’m Onua and I like to party.”

 

“No I don’t!”

 

“You’re LEWA!”

 

“NO! I’m Onua and he’s Lewa!”

 

“That’s what I said!”

 

“No, you said he was Lewa.”

 

“No I said YOU were Lewa!”

 

“Yes I was. But now I’m Onua because you told me say something different. ARE YOU ALL INSANE?! COME ON! This is rational thinking 101!”

 

“I’m Kopaka and I REALLY like to strange Lewa.”

 

“But I’m not Lewa. I’m Onua.”

 

“NO!!! I’M ONUA YOU AIRHEAD!”

 

“Look, nobody parties but me!”

 

“Yes. And me.”

 

“No!”

 

“He’s right, it’s just Tahu-“

 

“Correctamundo.”

 

“-and me.”

 

“I’m Kopaka and I really REALLY-“

 

“Shut the Karzahni up you over glorified ice cube.”

 

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“

 

“Epic burn. Hahaha… get it? BURN? Hahahah-NOBODY PARTIES BUT ME!”

 

“…And me? Possibly?”

 

“NO, Gali, I know for a FACT you don’t party.”

 

“That’s true… Kopaka’s the party guy.”

 

“OH MATA NUI can we PLEASE just do something else? ANYTHING else?”

 

“…We could party.”

 

“…Screw it. Strangle him.”

 

“YEEES!!!”

 

“Wait, you-ACK! CAFF! CAFF! Cannot… *gasp* BREEEAAATHEEE…”

 

THAT ACCOMPLISHED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Edited February 4, 2016 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Toru Nui]

Part 183: My Guy is in Mangai

 

The sun began to set over Mata-Nui. The Void raced across the island towards the Mangai Volcano. Although Kini-Nui was the entrance to Mangaia, the Void didn’t know this, and so headed straight towards Makuta. Makuta observed him with the shadows casted by the Void’s swirling mass of dislocated body parts. And was pleased.

 

“ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN… BWAHAHAHA…”

 

“AHAHAHAHAHAH!”

 

“HOOHAHAHAHHAHA!”

 

“KAKEKKKAKAKAKEE!”

 

“OH GREAT. YOU JUST RUINED MY LAUGH. GREAT GOING.”

 

“Yes, uh, we’ve been wondering…”

 

“We can’t exactly kill the Toa when they… outnumb-“

 

“KILL? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DISTRACT THEM!”

 

“Why? They’re just in your way! Offing them would be beneficial. It’s not like they’re essential, I mean you’ve got us! We’re manifestations OF the Toa’s evil, if we defeat them in combat-“

 

“We can take over their-“

 

“LET ME FINISH! We can take over their bodies.”

 

“Bah.”

 

“I NEED THEM TO BE ACTUALLY THEM. NOT YOU RETARDS. I WILL MAKE THE OTHER THREE TONIGHT, JUST GO OUT THERE AND-“

 

“Very WELL, “master”, we will NOT kill them.” The Shadow Toa left, and when they thought Makuta didn’t hear them, they muttered under their breath… “…yet…”

 

But he did. And under his breath…

 

“…ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN…”

 

CHESSMASTER

Edited February 5, 2016 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Erasmus Graves]

The time has come/ To say fair's fair / For the Matoran to pay the rent* / To pay their share.

 

*Mata Nui's a chill landlord, but still, he is going to wake up one day and demand rent for those living in his camouflage.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Erasmus Graves

[Toru Nui]

The time has come/ To say fair's fair / For the Matoran to pay the rent* / To pay their share.

 

*Mata Nui's a chill landlord, but still, he is going to wake up one day and demand rent for those living in his camouflage.

“Hey you bums! Get off my face!”

 

Part 184: Flute the Coop

 

“Argh… it took me FOREVER to get out of that harp.”

 

“By my count, it took you about three minutes.”

 

“Shut up Orkahm. Kongu, where’s my flute?”

 

“I don’t have it.”

 

“Yes you DO, you trapped me in the harp for it!”

 

“I steal your instruments all the time!”

 

“Yes but you didn’t stamp it under your feet!”

 

“MY FEET ARE TIRED!”

 

“YOU ARE NEVER TIRED!”

 

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!”

 

“What in the fiery-Karzahni are you three bellow-yelling about?”

 

“I DON’T KNOW!”

 

“He stole my flute!”

 

“OK. Bye.”

 

“What, you’re just gonna-“

 

“He’s a TERRIBLE musician. You do remember-recall Sanso, right?”

 

“Sanso? The-“

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“I’ll be watching you, Sanso.”

 

FLUTES ARE EVIL

YOU WILL NOT MISS THEM

IF YOU DO OF CRAZY YOU DO SMELL

WHAT A SORRY FELLA

ANGRY AS A TARAKAVA

WE ARE JUST LEVEL 1 ON MATORAN

[Toru Nui]

Part 185: Free Spirits

 

“Quick! We must unhook him from that machine!”

 

“Why? He’s weird.”

 

“Agreed.”

 

“I’m surrounded by heartless ingrates.”

 

“ON THAT MUCH, WE AGREE.”

 

“No we don’t!”

 

“He meant him!”

 

“Yes!”

 

“NO! I WAS AGREEING TO THE FACT HE’S WEIRD AND THAT YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY HEARTLESS INGRATES.”

 

“Would you please just talk NORMALLY?”

 

“Fine. Heartless ingrate.”

 

“I heard that!”

 

“Yes. You were supposed to.”

 

“Well can you please put his spirit back inside his body?”

 

“I can, but I won’t.”

 

“What? You just said you could!”

 

“I can, but I won’t. As in: it’s possible, but I’m not going to do it, because I need this for my experiments.”

 

“Why are you even doing this?”

 

“Sorry. You’ll never know-“ A radio on the table then activated.

 

“KLYMA, HOW IS THE BODY-SPIRIT REMOVAL OPERATION DOING?”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Who was… that?”

 

“Heheheheh… *whispering* Could you kindly call back at a different time? I have-“

 

“GUESTS. I KNOW, I SEE EVERYTHING. I KNOW EVERYTHING. WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. I AM MAKUTA.”

 

“You work for-I’m not surprised really.”

 

“ANYWAY ONCE THE MACHINE IS READY HAVE IT DELIVERED TO MY LAIR IMMEDIATELY. I MAY NEED IT SOON.”

 

“…How’s tomorrow sound, AFTER I KILL THESE IDIOTS.”

 

“SURE. JUST ACTUALLY DO IT.”

 

WHY DOES MAKUTA SPEAK IN ALL CAPS

SIMPLE

IMPORTANT WORDS ARE DONE IN ALL CAPS

MAKUTA BELIEVES EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS IMPORTANT

[Toru Nui]

Part 186: Landmarking

 

“OK, let’s try this again.”

 

“NO! No! We’re not doing that again.”

 

“How about we actually do something?”

 

“Like what? We don’t know where we are!”

 

“We’re in Ta-Wahi you idiot.”

 

“No, YOU’RE the idiot!”

 

“We don’t know WHERE in Ta-Wahi we are!”

 

“Well how do you suppose we find OUT where?”

 

“How about we use a landmark?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Oh gee, how about that large volcano in the distance?!”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Right. We’re heading off then.”

 

“Hold on a minute, how come YOU have your Golden Mask?”

 

“Because I’M good at my job.”

 

Kopaka knew now, he had a second destiny.

 

To annoy the crud out of Tahu.

 

GOLD

GOLD

GOOOLD

[Erasmus Graves]

 

"...How's tomorrow sound, AFTER I KILL THESE IDIOTS."

I guess that rising from average Ko-Matoran to henchmen status means he must be a real social Klyma.

[Toru Nui]

I guess that rising from average Ko-Matoran to henchmen status means he must be a real social Klyma.

SAAANS!!!

 

Part 187: Art of Ambushing

 

*RING* *RING*

 

“WHO IS THIS!?”

 

“Kongu, captain of the Le-Koro Gukko Force. Who are you?”

 

“HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?! MORE TO THE POINT, HOW DID YOU GET A PHONE?!”

 

“You mean this? I confiscated it from this Po-Matoran.”

 

“PLEASE TELL ME HE’S NOT WEARING A RAU.”

 

“OK. He’s not wearing a Rau.”

 

“…ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I ASKED?”

 

“Yes. It’s polite to do that, after all.”

 

“OH GREAT. WHAT TROUBLE HAS AHKMOU GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO THIS TIME?”

 

“The Po-Matoran are-“

 

“YES YES YES I KNOW. THE WHOLE CIVIL WAR THING… HANG ON A SECOND, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

 

“Nope. Sorry.”

 

“IT’S OK. I’M A PO-MATORAN. MY NAME IS-“ Makuta quickly thought back to the name of the Trader who showed up in his time machine. (Read Trader Who) “VOHON.” Although Vohon was a Ta-Matoran, he knew Kongu probably wouldn’t know.

 

“Ah. Well then. For shame.”

 

“NO, I’M COMPLETELY AGAINST THIS SORT OF THING. LOOK, IF I TELL YOU WHERE WE’RE HIDING, WILL YOU COME AND SORT THIS THING OUT?”

 

“Yes, we-hang on a mo, how do I know you’re not leading us into an ambush?”

 

“YOU DON’T. BUT IF IT IS AN AMBUSH, YOU CAN AMBUSH THEIR AMBUSH.”

 

“But… if you’re telling me all this on behest of your Turaga and are trying to trick us, won’t you ambush our ambushing of your ambush?”

 

“PERHAPS. BUT YOU SEE, I’M NOT. AND, IF MY MISGUIDED BRETHEREN DO AMBUSH YOUR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH, YOU CAN AMBUSH THEIR AMBUSH OF YOUR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH.”

 

“That is BRILLIANT! I’ll tell my Turaga immediately.”

 

*BEEP*

 

“HAHAHAHAHA… FOOL. DIDN’T EVEN CONTEMPLATE THE POSSIBILITY OF THEM AMBUSHING THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH.”

 

OF COURSE THEY COULD ALWAYS AMBUSH THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH OF THEIR AMBUSH

Edited February 8, 2016 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Petewa]

Or just, you know, not ambush.

[Erasmus Graves]

Meta-ambushing!

[Petewa]

Meta-ambushing!

Meta, you say?

[Toru Nui]

Meta, you say?

You really need to pinpoint the LOCUS of this forum.

 

Part 188: Sucking the Fun out of the Pun

 

The six Toa Mata made their way towards the Mangai Volcano.

 

“So…”

 

“Gali, if you make a SINGLE pun, I’m going to send you to the planet we orbit.”

 

“IT’S A MOON YOU IDIOT!”

 

“What?”

 

“What?!”

 

“Sorry I wasn’t paying attention, what?”

 

“Gali kept making these puns when we went around looking for Tahu. They were terrible.”

 

“Hmm… I’m beginning to be glad I almost drowned.”

 

“Oh come on, they can’t be that ba-“

 

One minute later.

 

“NONONONONONONONONONON-“

 

“-A vegetarian came to me-“

 

“Stop it, stop it now!”

 

“-Asking if I had food-“

 

“Seriously, what was that about the planet and the fact it’s a moon?”

 

“-I told him I could make him some-“

 

“DON’T SAY IT!”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“…Ussal sprouts?”

 

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH-“

 

“NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“

 

“Oh Great Spirit, Gali…”

 

“You need to shut up. RIGHT NOW.”

 

“…SERIOUSLY, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT-“

 

“It’s OK, OK, I’ll stop.”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“Yeees…”

 

“*gasp* Almost… didn’t… survive that one.”

 

“Will somebody answer me?!”

 

“*heavy breathing*”

 

“I know, I know, my puns are a KAKAMAlamity!”

 

Then the volcano erupted.

 

“OH I DON’T CARE IF THIS SCREWS MY PLAN OVER, JUST SO I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANY MORE OF THAT… *GASP*”

 

“…WHAAAT WAAAS THAAAT AAABOOOUUUT-“

 

“Be quiet. We have a problem.”

 

PUNS

THEY ARE A SIN THAT MUST BE PUN-ISHED

[Toru Nui]

Part 189: Drop the Bomb

 

A few moments BEFORE the volcano erupted…

 

“Well, I for one say that was going quite well, until that jerk arrived.”

 

“You mean the giant swirling mass of black body parts that threatened to eat us?”

 

“Jerk is an understatement.”

 

“Oh be quiet. We need a better plan…”

 

“Like what? A BOMB?!”

 

“Actually, that might work.”

 

“We need to HAVE a bomb before that works.”

 

“…So that puts the dampener on an otherwise good plan.”

 

“HEWKII!”

 

“Actually, if we DID have a bomb, that would be a good plan, so he’s right.”

 

“But we DON’T have a bomb! And that wouldn’t be a good plan even if we DID!”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I’m certain it would fail. Somehow. I mean, nothing ever goes right for us Matoran. I wouldn’t be surprised if that supposedly dormant volcano Ta-Koro is in erupted right now-“

 

Then it did.

 

Meanwhile, a few meters away from the volcano…

 

“Wow, it’s amazing we decided to leave there in time.”

 

“I know, right?”

 

OH COME ON

DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD LET THEM DIE

[Erasmus Graves]

No.

[Toru Nui]

No.

 

Part 190: Writer’s Blockhead

 

It was getting dark now. Well, it was dark for our heroes (and the other peoples), but it was also dark, as in, it was almost night. You know, that time of day when you can see the moon and the streetlamps are on, but the sky is still blue. Do you know? I don’t think you know.

 

Anyway-what was I typing about again? Oh right, it was getting dark. But I just did that so… what comes next? Hang on, let me check my notes… oh right. The Void ate them.

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

So… can’t think of anything to type right now. This is what they call “writer’s block”, except in this instance it’s more of “writer’s blockheadedness”. Not that my head looks like a block you understand. I’m not from Minecraft. Well, sometimes I PLAY Minecraft, but not often. No, my head looks like God.

 

Can you guys think of what happens next? I can’t. I DID say in the Prologue I was accepting suggestions. Provided they’re sensible suggestions. No, Tehutti cannot suddenly turn into a rainbow Dikapi. He’s DEAD (for now).

 

Oh hang on… there’s one person we haven’t seen in a while.

 

In the depths of Le-Wahi, a lone Po-Matoran stumbled around, having no idea where he was going.

 

“Hello?! Is anybody here? It is I, Hafu, the great Hafu! You should feel honoured to meet me, Hafu, not afraid! Unless there really ISN’T anyone there…”

 

*sound of crickets chirping*

 

“…I’m, Hafu, alone…”

 

Then some Gukkos flew overhead.

 

“HEY! HEY YOU! DOWN HERE!!!”

 

Kongu looked quizzically backwards. He turned to his wingman (In both meanings of the word).

 

“Hey Orkahm, did we just-“

 

“Go out on a pointless mission with unfixed Gukkos?”

 

“OH DON’T QUICK-START THAT AGAIN! There’s someone back-there!”

 

The squadron of Gukkos turned around, and saw a tiny (from their perspective) Po-Matoran dancing around.

 

“Hey! Down here!”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“He wants us to come down there. Let’s go!”

 

“Kongu, are you NUTS?!”

 

“No I’m a watermelon.”

 

“Oh shut up. He’s a PO-Matoran. He’s the enemy!”

 

“How do you know? For all you know he’s a friend of Vohon!”

 

“Yes, but for all YOU know this is an ambush.”

 

“Well then we can ambush their ambush!”

 

“That’s stupid.”

 

“Don’t worry! If he ambushes our ambush of his ambush, we can ambush his ambush of our ambush of his ambush.”

 

“Well it’s hard to argue with logic like that.”

 

YES

BECAUSE IT IS SO SILLY

[Petewa]

Tehutti should become a ZOMBIE rainbow dikapi.

[Toru Nui]

Tehutti should become a ZOMBIE rainbow dikapi.

 

Part 191: What to do When the Forces of Nature get out of Control

 

Have you ever seen a giant robot try to swim? It’s hilarious. Unfortunately, no amount of words I can type will be able to sum up it’s hilarity. So you’ll just have to imagine the M.a.R.K doggy paddle across the coasts of Mata-Nui.

 

“*pant* *pant* Why is this so hard?!”

 

Anyway, Jaller and Hahli were sailing over Ta-Wahi on their Kewa, when suddenly-

 

“WHAT?! THE-THE VOLCANO JUST ERUPTED! IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!”

 

“…But volcanoes erupt. That’s what they do.”

 

“YES BUT THAT ONE’S SUPPOSED TO BE DORMANT!”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“Because Turaga Vakama said so.”

 

“OK.”

 

Then a chunk of lava flew past them, and fell into the water surrounding Ta-Wahi. It instantly became more boiling than if you grounded up Tahu and put the pieces in a hot soup.

 

“Uh, is the water supposed to be bubbling violently?”

 

“No. No it is not.”

 

YOU CANNOT CONTROL NATURE

BUT YOU CAN MOAN AT IT

[Toru Nui]

Part 192: File it Under C for Cage

 

“…Hello? Guards?” Ahkmou looked around in his makeshift bamboo cage at the foot of the new tree for Le-Koro, now abandoned because all of them were making their way to Ta-Koro. This was his opportunity.

 

He got out his lockpick and began fiddling on the outside of the cage trying to find some sort of lock. He couldn’t find one.

 

He then got out his nail file and began whittling away at the bamboo bars of the cage. But bamboo is not easily filed. It goes under B. The B drawer is a mess.

 

He then got out his brass knuckles and prepares to punch open the cage.

 

“OW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!”

 

It didn’t work.

 

Then he realised something.

 

“Wait a minute THESE BARS ARE TOO WIDE! I can just SIDESTEP through them!”

 

THE LE-MATORAN ARE NOT VERY GOOD AT BUILDING CAGES

[Toru Nui]

Valentine’s Day Special: We Blackmailed Asked the Cast to Make Some Dating Profiles

 

Name: Tahu

Occupation: Toa Mata of Fire

Likes: Fire

Dislikes: Water, Ice

 

Name: Gali

Occupation: Toa Mata of Water

Likes: Swimming

Dislikes: Fishing

 

Name: Kopaka

Occupation: Only Competent Toa Mata

Likes: Golden Kanohi

Dislikes: Everything Else

 

Name: Lewa

Occupation: Former Executive Assistant of Makuta, now Toa Mata of Air

Likes: You

Dislikes: Not You

 

Name: Pohatu

Occupation: Resident 4^th Wall Breaker and Expert Date Profile Writer

Likes: Koli

Dislikes: Losing (But Don’t We All?)

 

Name: Onua

Occupation: Toa of Earth

Likes: Horror Movies, Shakespeare

Dislikes: Pohatu and Everything to do With Him

 

Name: Vakama

Occupation: Turaga of Fire, and Head Turaga

Likes: Not You, Don’t Call Me

Dislikes: Still You, Still Don’t Call Me

 

Name: Nokama

Occupation: Turaga of Water

Likes: Intellectuals (That Means not You, Matau)

Dislikes: Still You Matau

 

Name: Matau

Occupation: Turaga of Air

Likes: Nokama

Dislikes: Any Other Woman

 

Name: Onewa

Occupation: Turaga of Stone

Likes: Stone

Dislikes: Commitment

 

Name: Whenua

Occupation: Turaga of Earth

Likes: *CENSORED*

Dislikes: *CENSORED*

 

Name: Chirp

Occupation: Twit-too-woo

Likes: Caw

Dislikes: Cock-A-Doodle-Doo

 

Name: Takua

Occupation: Chronicler-In-Training

Likes: Candles, Lanterns, Torches, Well-Lit Rooms

Dislikes: Dark Rooms

 

Name: MAKUTA

Occupation: MAKUTA

Likes: MAKUTA

Dislikes: TOO MANY TO LIST

 

I WOULD TO POINT OUT I DID NOT WANT THEM TO DO THIS EITHER

BUT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE FOR VALENTINES DAY

[Erasmus Graves]

Laughed so hard at Whenua's.

[Petewa]

Nuju's new name is Chirp.

 

No avoiding it.

[Toru Nui]

Laughed so hard at Whenua's.

Well thank you.

 

Nuju's new name is Chirp.

 

No avoiding it.

You realise he speaks in bird noises, right?

 

Part 193: Shadow of a Doubt

 

“We’ve searched this Wahi already!”

 

“We’ve never searched this Wahi before! THERE’S A VOLCANO!”

 

“Face it, we’re lost!”

 

Meanwhile in the distance… “So… what do we do now?”

 

“WE STOP THE LAVA FROM SPREADING YOU IDIOT!”

 

“That much is obvious.”

 

“EXACTLY!”

 

“Hey, there they ar-“

 

“Get down, idiots! Since we’re evil, we’re automatically more powerful than them, but there’s more of them than there is of us!”

 

“So what do we do? We just wait until tomorrow?”

 

“Well… yes.”

 

“OK.”

 

“Good plan. Glad I’ll be taking credit for it.”

 

“DO SO AND I’LL STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN INTESTINES!”

 

“We don’t have intestines. Technically since we’re beings of pure shadow, we don’t even need to brea-ACK! *choking noises* I… WAS… WRONG…”

 

“Why am I not surprised?!”

 

BECAUSE REASONS

[Toru Nui]

Part 194: Double AAAAAHHHHHS!

 

“Oh dear… that lava is moving rather fast. And now we can’t swim to safety because now the water’s rather hot.”

 

“RATHER?! It’s bubbling! We’d probably catch fire if we tried that!”

 

“Well what do we do now?”

 

“You die.” The M.a.R.K rised out of the water, partly because it could no longer stand the hot water.

 

“Oh great. A flying swarm of body parts and now a giant robot.”

 

“SCATTER!”

 

“What he said!”

 

Everyone suddenly began running in various different directions, exciting the Kraata controlling the M.a.R.K.

 

“Yes… run… run from your FEAR! AHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA-“ Then the robot ran out of batteries. “…What?”

 

Meanwhile…

 

“I’m kinda worried for anyone who has to go up against that robot.”

 

“It’s ok. It’s powered by double A’s. Those are hard to come across.”

 

THEY CAN ONLY BE FOUND AT ONU-KORO SHOPS

AND THEY ARE ALWAYS SO DARN EXPENSIVE

[Erasmus Graves]

“Oh dear… that lava is moving rather fast. And now we can’t swim to safety because now the water’s rather hot.”

Captain Obvious.

[Toru Nui]

Captain Obvious.

“Thank you, Lieutenant Sarcasm.”

 

Part 195: Cross the Streams

 

“OK, I have an idea, we-“

 

“BOO!”

 

“…A giant flying swarm of black body parts…”

 

“Welp, that’s a new one.”

 

“I can no longer sleep for fear of nightmares.”

 

“…HOW ARE YOU NOT TREMBLING IN FEAR RIGHT NOW?! PREPARE TO DI-“

 

“NOOO!!! LAY OFF OF US WILL YA?! MATA NUI, YOU’RE A CREEP! GO AWAY! WE WERE ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP!”

 

“Not really-“

 

“Oh for the love of-what even ARE you?!”

 

“Are you Makuta?”

 

“HA! He WISHES!”

 

“NO I DON’T.”

 

“Who said that?”

 

“ME, DOLT. TELEPATHY, AND ALL THAT.”

 

“Where are you hiding coward?!”

 

“TRY UNDERGROUND.”

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“The guy speaking telepathically is Makuta and this is some other guy. COME ON, PAY ATTENTION!”

 

“I am the Void! I-“

 

“THIS IS SOME LOSER WHO ONCE DEVOURED A FEW ISLANDS, SO I SEALED HIM AWAY UNDERNEATH THE ISLAND.”

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“Oh. That explains why we’re alone on this moon-“

 

“PLANET!”

 

“I know you’re not going answer me like every other time, but what is up with this moon or planet debate?”

 

“Shut your gobs! Now I will eat you!”

 

“You can’t eat me, I’m far too spicy!”

 

“I’m too salty.”

 

“I’LL GIVE YOU CAAAVIIITIIIEEES!”

 

“He’s too fatty.”

 

“Seriously? We’re about to die, and you’re still insisting I’m fat?”

 

“Well you are.”

 

“You are.”

 

“YOU ARE.”

 

“NO! We are not about to die!”

 

“Well what are we to do then?!”

 

“CROSS THE STREAMS, IDIOTS.”

 

“What?”

 

“ELEMENTAL STREAMS.”

 

“Oooh.” They did that. The Void was not pleased.

 

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” He was knocked a few miles away. In rage, he began tunnelling to the underground, planning to find and kill Makuta.

 

“…Let us never speak of this again, if only that it doesn’t logically fit in with what else is happening.”

 

THE ONLY REASON I EVEN CAME UP WITH THAT FOOL WAS FOR A PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

[Erasmus Graves]

 

"THIS IS SOME LOSER WHO DEVOURED A FEW ISLANDS SO I SEALED HIM AWAY BENEATH THE ISLAND".

For once, Makuta gets it right.

 

Anyway, great job with the dialogue all the way through. You've got a real ear for it.

[Toru Nui]

For once, Makuta gets it right.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FOR ONCE?”

 

Part 196: Boastful Boasts

 

Hafu rode on the back of Kongu’s Gukko, as they flew off towards Ta-Koro.

 

“…So… what were you doing down there, all alone by yourself?”

 

“I, Hafu, was abandoned by my, Hafu’s jerky friends.”

 

“They weren’t your friends then. And stop that.”

 

“Stop what?”

 

“Stop saying your name when you use words like I and my.”

 

“Oh not this again…”

 

“Why not?”

 

“It’s probably why they abandoned me.”

 

“…Well, I can see where they’re coming from.”

 

“Hmph. I, Hafu, the great Hafu, do not require friends. I, Hafu am the greatest carver in Po-nay, ALL OF MATA-NUI!”

 

Meanwhile, in Ko-Wahi, a shiver went up Kopeke’s spine as he carved his latest ice statue.

 

“Brr… I felt a great disturbance in the universal pride force.”

 

YES

THE UNIVERSAL PRIDE FORCE IS INDEED A THING

[Petewa]

Kopeke versus Hafu, battle of wages, we've been waiting for many, many whiles now.

[Toru Nui]

Kopeke versus Hafu, battle of wages, we've been waiting for many, many whiles now.

Battle of... wages?

 

Part 197: Lulling a Lullaby

 

“It’s getting dark. Is my bed done yet?”

 

“Yes Turaga. Allow me to play you a lullaby-“

 

“Sanso I swear to Mata Nui, why don’t you understand nobody likes your music?!”

 

“Hmph. I shouldn’t have to put up with such biased criticism.”

 

“BIIIAAASEEED?!”

 

“What are you yelling about now?”

 

“I honestly have no idea, Turaga Vakama, he keeps blathering a lot of nonsense.”

 

“YOU-BUT-THAT-GAH-“

 

“See?”

 

“Good grief, Matau, you make as much sense as Nuju did when he spoke Matoran.”

 

Then for some reason a Kewa dropped its droppings on Vakama’s head.

 

“…Classy.”

 

SILENT NIGHT

HOLY NIGHT

[Toru Nui]

Part 198: Kraata are not Hoi Tortoises

 

The Kraata soon realised that the batteries for his new robot body were no longer working. So he decided to abandon ship. Or robot. Whatever.

 

Being a Kraata is a funny thing. Without a Rahkshi suit of armour (or an alternative, such as the M.a.R.K), the Kraata cannot speak Matoran (unless it’s a stage seven), and as such, it can be rather… difficult to communicate.

 

“Ew… a slug…”

 

“Gross.”

 

“That is a Kraata, not a slug.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Oooh! It’s so CUTE! Can I keep it?”

 

“Absolutely not! You have no idea how powerful that thing is!”

 

The Kraata, wanting to stay alive and all, decided to milk it’s cuteness. If it had eyes, they would have been puppy dog eyes.

 

“SQUUUEEE!!! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEAS-“

 

“OK. But if your Kanohi gets infected in the night, don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

 

THIS CAN ONLY END SO WELL