BIONICLE 2001 Abridged

[Toru Nui]

Part 199: RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE

 

RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE!

 

“SURPRISE! I’m gonna make trouble for you!”

 

“CONGRATULATIONS. YOU FOUND ME. EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU WHERE EXACTLY WHERE THE ENTRANCE TO MY LAIR IS. I’M SO THRILLED.”

 

“Shut your pie hole! Now I shall devour you and steal your powers!”

 

“YEAH… NO.” Makuta’s Shadow Hand erupted from his chest and grabbed the Kanohi Hau that served as the Void’s brain.

 

“GAAAAAH! WHAT… ARE… YOU… DOING?!”

 

“MY DEAR WANNABE TREN KROM, I’M DOING WHAT YOU DO. I’M… EATING YOU.” The Shadow Hand slowly got closer to Makuta, though the Void resisted.

 

“NO! NO! STOP!”

 

“YOUR MERE EXISTENCE IS A MINOR HICCUP IN AN OTHERWISE FLAWLESS PLAN. APART FROM WHEN I WAS ENCASED IN PROTODERMIS, BUT I HAD A BACK-UP FOR THAT. IT WAS STILL DAYS OF AGONIZING PAIN THOUGH.”

 

“NO! NO!!!”

 

“OH, ARE YOU STILL HERE? YOU’LL HAVE TO APOLOGISE FOR MY RAMBLING, I’M JUST A BIT ABSOLUTELY LIVID RIGHT NOW.”

 

“You’re making a mistake! You can’t-you can’t absorb me without dyIIIIIIIIINNNGGG!!! EURWKHU RI PLQH L FDOO XSRQ BRX VDYH PH IURP WKLV IDWH L VZHDU XSRQ PB OLIH L ZLOO UHIRUP!”

 

“OH SHUT UP.” And with that, the Void’s mask was lurched into Makuta’s chest. And then his parts began to rattle.

 

“…OH DEAR.” Then HE became a mass of swirling body parts. “WELL… THIS IS NEW.”

 

HE EXISTED JUST TO DIE

HOW PATHETIC

RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE

[Toru Nui]

Part 200: Eruption

 

“So… what was your plan again Tahu?”

 

“I never told you!”

 

“Of course you didn’t! We were interrupted by Mr. Body Horror himself!”

 

“Pretty sure his name was-“

 

“NO. NEVER MENTION HIM AGAIN.”

 

“Oh for Mata Nui’s sake, Pohatu, give Onua your Kakama.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You’re going to dig a moat for the lava.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Oh no you don’t! You still have MY Hau, Tahu!”

 

“Yes and Onua has MY Pakari!”

 

“Everyone give back their Kanohi!”

 

After a few minutes of shuffling and sharing, everyone had their proper Masks of Power. Tahu had his Golden Kanohi, Pohatu had his three masks, Gali had her two, and everyone else had one.

 

“There. Now everybody’s happy. How wonderful. NOW DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE LAVA!”

 

“Can’t. Don’t have his Kakama.”

 

“*snarl* HERE!” Tahu gave Onua his Golden Kanohi. Then he fell over limp due to having no mask. “NOW GO!”

 

“Alright, alright!” Onua raced round Ta-Wahi, quickly digging a ditch around the lava flow, quickly saving Kapura and Pekka from a lava-induced fate, carrying them on his back.

 

“WHAT?! WHERE?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?”

 

“I’m saving you, idiots.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! G-FORCE IN MY FACE!!!”

 

“Nothing can stop me now!” Onua quickly realised he was about to hit the boiling water at the Golden Beach. “Except maybe that.”

 

Fortunately, Pohatu had thought ahead, and had picked up Kopaka and planted him in the water, cooling it down almost instantly. “I would like you to know, just because I agreed to this, does not mean I’m OK with it.”

 

“Oh quit being such a woman, Kopaka.”

 

“Yes whatever. Also, I am freezing the water solid. And I cannot get out.”

 

“*muffled screaming*”

 

“And neither can Onua. And his new little friends.”

 

“Ah! The other Toa! Allow me to-OOF!” Jaller, Hahli and their now exhausted Kewa fell on top of him.

 

“Well he certainly deserved that, at least. What with all his civil war Kane-Ra dung.”

 

A KANE-RA IS A BULL

DUNG IS A WORD FOR WASTE

THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND

[Petewa]

A KANE-RA IS A BULL

DUNG IS A WORD FOR WASTE

THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND

Mukau carp?

[Toru Nui]

Mukau carp?

Could be.

 

Part 201: Klyma’s Kontraption

 

After a long struggle, Nuhrii, Vhisola and Agni were restrained by Klyma, and were about to have their spirits sucked out as well. “FAREWELL MY FRIENDS! YOUR HELP WITH MY EXPERIMENTS IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!”

 

“Well thank you.”

 

“Nuhrii, he’s about to kill us!”

 

“Hey, I’ll take what I can get.”

 

“I’m surrounded by idiots.”

 

“NO ARGUMENT HERE.”

 

“You’re included in that surrounding, nutcase!”

 

“AW… DON’T FEEL TOO BAD. YOU’RE GIVING YOUR LIFE, YOUR BODY, YOUR SPIRIT… FOR SCIENCE. NYEHEHEHEH… GOODBYE.” And with that Klyma pulled the lever.

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

Agni found himself in a glass orb with three glowing white things all bouncing around. He then realised he had no body, no legs, no arms. He too, was a glowing white thing. He reasoned that Klyma’s contraption worked, and he, Nuhrii, Vhisola and Ehrye were now all mere spirits without a body, unable to age or even die. This terrified him.

 

He was about to spend eternity with Nuhrii.

 

I HAVE NO MOUTH

AND I MUST SCREAM

[Petewa]

Poor Agni, although I suppose if he's got to spend an eternity with Nuhrii, he should be grateful that Nuhrii has absolutely no way in which to annoy/speak to him.

[Erasmus Graves]

By Harlan Ellison's acerbic genius, that is terrifying.

 

I'M BACK FROM THE ABYSS AND READY TO RUMBLE!!!

[Toru Nui]

Poor Agni, although I suppose if he's got to spend an eternity with Nuhrii, he should be grateful that Nuhrii has absolutely no way in which to annoy/speak to him.

Unfortunately, telepathy exists.

 

By Harlan Ellison's acerbic genius, that is terrifying.

 

I'M BACK FROM THE ABYSS AND READY TO RUMBLE!!!

HATE. HATE!

 

Part 202: Ten, HUTTI!

 

Ahkmou, having freed himself from the shoddy cages of the Le-Matoran, escaped into the densest part of Le-Wahi, knowing that there was a secret tunnel somewhere that led to Mangaia.

 

Unfortunately, his sense of direction was terrible.

 

“Well, judging from the nearby vegetation and flora, the position of the moon and the clouds, I have no clue where I am.”

 

“THAT MAKES ONE OF US.”

 

“Boss? Your voice sounds… different.”

 

“I’M SO WEIRDED OUT RIGHT NOW, I DON’T NEED YOUR COMMENTARY.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“I NEED YOU TO NOT RETURN TO MANGAIA UNTIL I SAY SO.”

 

“What? Where else am I supposed to go? My own village won’t accept me because I kinda poisoned most of them, and everyone else is under orders to take any Po-Matoran they see captive! WHERE THE KARZAHNI AM I SUPPOSED TO-“

 

“I DON’T CARE. LIVE IN THE JUNGLE WHY DON’T YOU.”

 

“I don’t-I can’t… I…”

 

“AHKMOU, YOU’RE BACK ON MY PAYLIST. AGAIN. I JUST CAN’T… ACCOMMODATE YOU RIGHT NOW. I HAVE JUST ABSORBED AN ELDRITCH ABOMINATION, AND where the Karzahni am I?! Where? And… WHY AM I FLOATING?! OH BOY. I’LL CALL YOU BACK.”

 

“You’re not calling me. You’re telepathically messaging me. Why don’t we do this more oft-“

 

“Who is that?! Where is he!? WHAT THE KARZAHNI IS-“

 

GUESS TEHUTTI WAS NOT COMPLETELY DIGESTED

SO MUCH FOR HIS KARMIC AND COMPLETELY DESERVED DEATH

[Toru Nui]

Part 203: Gambling is bad for Your Health

 

“So, who wants to bet that those three are already in trouble?”

 

“I would, but I don’t have any widgets.”

 

“Wait a second; do any of us have ANY money?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Nada.”

 

“What?”

 

“It means none.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Want me to fly over to them and check if there OK?”

 

“I thought you said it wasn’t flying.”

 

“Maybe not, but’s it’s a close substitute.”

 

“Sure. Why not.”

 

“Because then ALL the idiots will be in the same area.”

 

“True.”

 

“Oh for Mata Nui’s sake, I’m going anyway!” And so he did.

 

“*sigh* This whole mask-collecting thing is going to be even more difficult than I first thought.”

 

AND IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM HERE

[Toru Nui]

Part 204: The Huge Intimating Wall of Text

 

Whenua looked over the ruins of Onu-Koro. Looked exactly the same as the aftermath of Nuparu’s birthday. Nothing that overtime without pay wouldn’t fix. The only problem was, right now his approval rating was about one percent. And the one percent was said person who’s birthdays resulted in about the same landscape as he saw he now. Taipu would have made it two percent, but Taipu was… well, Taipu. Tehutti might have been dead (as far as he knew), but now, for some reason Onepu was now filling up the role as rival. Not the role of village idiot, though, but very few people in Onu-Koro could take over for Tehutti. Maybe the Guildmasters could… Anyway, he had to do something. Onepu was smart (well, smartER than Tehutti (not a hard feat to accomplish)), but Whenua highly doubted he could lead the Onu-Matoran half as well as he could. Not only were the Po, Ta and Ga-Matoran all after them, but they were now in a state of political turmoil. On the outside, Whenua portrayed the same stoic image as ever. But on the inside, he was beginning to wonder if there was such a thing as a professional noosemaker, and if not, why not.

 

LOOK PETEWA

I AM MIMICING YOUR STYLE

[Petewa]

LOOK PETEWA

I AM MIMICING YOUR STYLE

Yes, yes you are.

 

Except for the fact that I at least spell mimicking correctly.

[Erasmus Graves]

Heeee izzzz...

Quick with a writ

Too good to quite

Aggro, not slow

He'll punch you out

bro

Armed with a pen

Eight times ten

Kicked out of Disney

Into crazy bizny

"I have no mouth but I must scream!"

(Shut up Ted)

8 Hugo Awards he's won

BETTER THAN YOU, SON!                                                                            (gosh, he's here!)
And he'll kick you up the bum. 

HE'S

Har-laan

Har-laaan

Har-laaaan

ELLISON!!!

Edited February 28, 2016 by Erasmus Graves

[Toru Nui]

Yes, yes you are.

 

Except for the fact that I at least spell mimicking correctly.

Update Trader Who. Then we talk.

 

Heeee izzzz...

Quick with a writ

Too good to quite

Aggro, not slow

He'll punch you out

bro

Armed with a pen

Eight times ten

Kicked out of Disney

Into crazy bizny

"I have no mouth but I must scream!"

(Shut up Ted)

8 Hugo Awards he's won

BETTER THAN YOU, SON!                                                                            (gosh, he's here!)

And he'll kick you up the bum. 

HE'S

Har-laan

Har-laaan

Har-laaaan

ELLISON!!!

Is that based on any particular song?

 

Part 205: Onewa Goes up to the Plate

 

“*groan*… What happened?”

 

“*muffled* Excuse me, my good Matoran but GET OFF!”

 

“It’s a Ta-Matoran!”

 

“Thank you, private obvious.”

 

“It’s CAPTAIN obvious.”

 

“Thank you, private obvious.”

 

“*groan*”

 

“*muffled screaming*”

 

“*groooaaan*”

 

“Hey guys!”

 

“*GROOOAAAN*”

 

“OK who’s this now?”

 

“Lewa, where have you been? Where are the others?”

 

“Oh they’re still lazy and inept.”

 

“Seriously, who are you all?”

 

“That’s YOU, numbskull!”

 

“What?”

 

“Lazy and inept! THAT’S YOU!”

 

“*MUFFLED SCREAMING*”

 

“Shut up Onua.”

 

“*muffled* GEEET OOOFFAAA MEEE!!!”

 

“Whoa!” Jaller and Hahli quickly leapt off a very frustrated Turaga of Stone.

 

“Hahli, you’re back!”

 

“Where have you been?”

 

“Oh you know… places…”

 

“Places, hmm? Like the moon?”

 

“Actually, that looks more like a plan-“ Onewa then hit her with his hammer into the stratosphere.

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“…Judges?”

 

“Home run, Turaga.”

 

Onewa prepared for another swing. “CARE TO REITERATE YOUR STATEMENT?”

 

“Out of the park, OUT OF THE PARK!”

 

“Out of the park.”

 

“See Pohatu? I told you it was a moon.”

 

“Darn it Kopaka, it is a PLANET. The laws of physics dictate that-“

 

“WHAT laws of physics?! The Turaga just hit that Ga-Matoran into orbit!”

 

“Speaking of which, why are you not doing anything about that? Can’t you fly?”

 

“First of all: IT’S NOT FLYING. Second of all: I refuse to do anything until someone explains what they’re babbling about. This moon and planet argument demands some explanation.”

 

“Good point. Hewkii, do you know anything about-“

 

“Woman, I’m hopped up on DRUGS! I have no idea what’s going on!”

 

“Hewkii, you haven’t been taking drugs to cheat in Koli, have you?”

 

“Karzahni no, I’m a respectable sportsman!”

 

“Then… what drugs HAVE you been taking?”

 

“You know, instead of teaching you all complex mathematics and literacy, I probably should have taught you empathy. Hahli is probably about to come crashing down by now and we need to be ready to catch her. I’ll deal with you later, Onewa.”

 

“Oh come on, it’s not like anybody really cared about her-OOF! *muffled* OH COME ON! Get off me!”

 

“Nope.”

 

“*muffled* You’re crushing my BONES! I’m an old man!”

 

“Good.”

 

STOP

HAMMERTIME

[Petewa]

“Thank you, private obvious.”

"You're welcome, Captain Sarcasm,"

[Erasmus Graves]

Is that based on any particular song?

Random poems, pop songs, YouTube parodies, the William Tell Overture, Smacka Fitzgibbon's classic The Adventures of Edward Gough Whitlam all featured in the rhythm and music of this Ellisonian epic.  

 

HAMMERTIME!

[Toru Nui]

"You're welcome, Captain Sarcasm,"

Silence, Captain Snark!

 

HAMMERTIME!

WE ARE THE HAMMER!

 

Part 206: Bored Orde

 

Nuju lounged around in the control room for his superweapons. It was the end of the first day he allotted the Toa. He saw honour in keeping his word, but no reason. But honour comes before reason, don’tcha know?

 

Anyway, as he was spinning around in his swivel chair, a message appeared on the monitor in front of him.

 

01010111 01000001 01010010 01001110 01001001 01001110 01000111 00001010 01010000 01010010 01001001 01001101 01000001 01010010 01011001 00100000 01000110 01000001 01001001 01001100 01010011 01000001 01000110 01000101 00100000 01001111 01000110 01000110 01001100 01001001 01001110 01000101 00001010 01010101 01010011 01000101 00100000 01001111 01000110 00100000 01010111 01000101 01000001 01010000 01001111 01001110 00100000 01001101 01000001 01011001 00100000 01010010 01000101 01010011 01010101 01001100 01010100 00100000 01001001 01001110 00100000 01000101 01011000 01010000 01001100 01001111 01010011 01001001 01001111 01001110

 

Now, Nuju couldn’t read binary, so he didn’t know what this meant. (I mean, do YOU? (and don’t say you do just because you used the Internet to translate this.)) He just sat back and re-

 

“Um, Turaga Nuju?”

 

…Lllaaaaaaaaaxxx… “Chirp! Quack! Cock-a-doodle-doo! Caw!”

 

“Forgive me, but… I need your help with something. Something important.”

 

Nuju decided he better go see what the problem was. “Quack?”

 

Matoro held up a can of tinned food. “I can’t find the can-opener. Do you know where it went?”

 

This might sound incredibly stupid, but the Ko-Matoran kept the majority of their foods in cans to prevent them from getting snow on them. And they only had one can opener.

 

And that can opener just so happened to be part of Klyma’s spirit extractor.

 

“MUHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH, AHAHAHHAHAH, AHAHCKAKCKAKA- *cough* *COUGH* …Urglh… accursed canned food… I cannot SSSTTTAAAAAAAAANNNDDD IIIIIIIIITTT!!!”

 

Agni wondered when he was going to shut up.

 

Nuhrii pondered that he felt the same way, even though Agni had only ever thought that.

 

Then Vhisola asked them all, with lots of expletives to shut the Karzahni up. In her head.

 

They were communing via telepathy.

 

More importantly, Nuhrii was now in Agni’s HEAD.

 

Agni’s mental scream was so strong that it was picked up by Orde millions of Mios away.

 

“…What the Karzahni was that?”

 

ORDE REALLY NEEDS TO COME TO ORDER

[Petewa]

 

"You're welcome, Captain Sarcasm,"

Silence, Captain Snark!

Yessir, General Irritable.

[Toru Nui]

Yessir, General Irritable.

Cut it, Sergeant Sass!

 

Part 207: With Their Egos Combined, They Could Fill an Olympic Swimming Pool

 

“WELL, THIS IS NEW. You’re one to talk! I don’t even know what’s going on! OK, I’LL TALK NICE AND SLOW FOR THIS NEXT PART. YOU WERE EATEN, RIGHT? Well, I wouldn’t say eaten, more of a being pulled apart thing. I HAVE ABSORBED THE BEING WHO ATE YOU. NOW, FOR SOME REASON, WE ARE NOW THE SAME BEING. THIS POSES A PROBLEM. I’ll say! How are statues supposed to be erected in my honour when my body is all over the place?! Either the stone will have to float or we’ll have to use glass, and I will not tolerate that! I WON’T TOLERATE YOUR EGO, LITTLE FIKOU, OR YOUR INCOMPETENCE. How dare you disrespect me?! ME??? EVERYONE HAS BEEN DISRESPECTING YOU. WHY SHOULD I, A KNOWN ANTI-MATORANIST-That’s not a word. YES, SO? WHY SHOULD I TREAT YOU ANY DIFFERENT FROM YOUR… AHEM, QUOTE SUBJECTS UNQUOTE. I hate you already. I HAVE THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE. MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY’RE ENVIOUS OF MY INTELLIGENCE. AND MY STRENGTH. AND POWER. AND VOICE. COME TO THINK OF IT, WHO WOULDN’T BE ENVIOUS OF ME? Who ARE you anyway? MAKUTA.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“I’m going insane, I’m going insane, I’m going in-OH SHUT UP. LOOK, YOU WANT POWER DON’T YOU? …Yyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssssss… IF YOU SHUT UP AND CO-OPERATE WITH ME UNTIL I CAN FIND A WAY TO SEPARATE US, I WILL GET YOU POWER. MAYBE NOT THAT DAY, MAYBE NOT THE NEXT DAY. BUT SOON.

 

THE END WILL BE HERE SOON.

 

VERY SOON.

 

I CAN WAIT.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Well I can’t-SHUT UP.”

 

IT WILL BE OVER SOON IN ABOUT A MONTH

NOT FOR US OF COURSE

FOR THEM

FOR US THIS WILL TAKE A LOOONG TIME

[Erasmus Graves]

WE ARE THE HAMMER!

 

VENGEANCE FOR THE LOST!

[Toru Nui]

VENGEANCE FOR THE LOST!

BLOOOOOOD FOOOR THEEE BLOOOOOOD GOOOD!!!

 

Part 208: Golden Night on the Golden Beach

 

Tahu and Gali arrived on the Golden Beach. “Arlgh… I don’t want to know what’s going on.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Well you see, Onewa’s a filthy liar.”

 

“*muffled* I HEARD THAT!”

 

“Oh we’re well aware of that.”

 

“Then why are you helping him depose the Ta-Matoran?”

 

“Do you hate him too?”

 

“Hate is such a strong word… tolerate, is more apt. But do you mean depose? He said that… oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh...”

 

“*MUUUFFLEEED SCREEEAAAMIIING*”

 

“Is Onua still in the ice?”

 

“Of course he is!”

 

“Someone get him out of there! Specifically you, Tahu.”

 

“Yes, specifically you, Tahu.”

 

“*sigh*” Tahu stuck his sword in the water, the ice melt, and immediately Onua, Kapura and Pekka leapt out of the water.

 

“Hothothothothot!!!”

 

“He’s in pain. That’s normal.”

 

Jaller decided he had enough of sitting on a feeble old man and got off. “Onewa, I don’t believe this! After everything Vakama’s done for you!”

 

“WHAT?! He got me in a scuffle with a nasty weed, got me thrown in jail, and got me turned into… GAH! He’s done NOTHING to help us before or after we arrived on Mata Nui!”

 

“True, but that doesn’t mean you attack him!”

 

“YES IT DOES! Look, if Vakama can PROVE that his leadership is the best for us, then I’ll stop.”

 

“Then I guess we must have yet ANOTHER peace summit on Mount. Ihu.”

 

“Yyyeeesss, do that. Very quickly. Because we have to get our masks. To stop Makuta.”

 

“Fair enough. Does everyone still have the tents?”

 

“Yes Turaga.”

 

“Excellent. May I invite you six to stay here for the night?”

 

“Finally, it’s about time I had a roof over my head that wasn’t cracked and a mile high.”

 

REST EASY HEROES

AND KOPAKA

[Petewa]

Milk for the cornflakes.

[Toru Nui]

Milk for the cornflakes.

WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

Part 209: Art Shift

 

“WHAT?! You agreed to this!?”

 

“I had no choice! What else was I supposed to do?”

 

“Threaten his life?”

 

“We can’t do that.”

 

“Threaten his dignity?”

 

“What dignity?! The man speaks in bird noises!”

 

“Look, not counting today, we have two days to retrieve our masks and defeat Makuta.”

 

“But it took us one just to find mine!”

 

“Yes, but then we became preoccupied with this civil war nonsense. I’m sure the Turaga will come to a conclusion at their peace summit.”

 

Meanwhile…

 

“VAKAMA YOU TOLD ME I COULD HAVE A NIGHTLIGHT!!!”

 

“SCREW YOU, IT’S MINE!!!”

 

Back to our heroes (and Kopaka)…

 

“…Or not.”

 

“Well we better be off then.”

 

“WITHOUT SLEEP?! Nooooooooooooooooooooo thank you.” Lewa then snuggled into his sleeping bag.

 

“Lazy sack of air!”

 

Meanwhile…

 

“Lazy sack of air!”

 

“It’s night. Leave me alone.”

 

“SILENCE! I’d PREFER our new siblings to have friendly faces that are NOT lying face down in the ash when they come into existence!”

 

“Does THIS look friendly to you?”

 

 

Meanwhile…

 

“…Odd… I sensed a use of a pict-“

 

“GOODNIGHT POHATU!!!”

 

THE PICTURE IS NOT MINE

IT BELONGS TO JOEV14

FROM http://www.bzpower.com/board/topic/15229-bionicle-audio-narration-project-shadow-tahu/

[Erasmus Graves]

SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE OF KHORNE!

Khorne love pony-- Tzeentch, how dare you do this too me!

It's 'to' not 'too' you big dumb barbarian. Sheesh, I thought somebody would have taught you proper grammar in over 40,000 years.

[Toru Nui]

Part 210: More Flaws

 

Sanity. They say the key to appearing sane is to mimic those around you. The only problem here is that everyone around him was clearly crazy, and they didn’t even know the true purpose of this world. They’d briefly, just for a moment know, just for yet another joke. EVERYTHING here was a joke. How did he know? Why was HE the one chosen to know about BZPower? About Toru, about Petewa, about Erasmus? Why? Why?! Why???

 

And while Pohatu slept, a squelchy thing covered in darkness emerged from his shadow. It was madness.

 

Joy. They say life is better if you think positive. Unfortunately, it was very hard to do so, as the living talking walking oven was chosen to be leader, when HE was the strongest of all the Toa. Was there any doubt? Obviously YES. Just because HE had his Golden Mask first, due to some bizarre streak of luck. Luck was the only reason Tahu-no, all FIVE of them were still alive.

 

And while Kopaka slept, a squelchy thing covered in darkness emerged from his shadow. It was envy.

 

Humility. They say that the meek shall inherit the earth. Not likely, considering the person who controlled the earth was a big blowhard. They all were. Large hams, the lot of them. She felt she was the one to keep order between the nutcases that were, for some reason, her brothers. The most abundant element on this moon (or planet) was water, after air, but he was an idiot. Earth and Stone composed a little island, and Fire and Ice are small in number, and intelligence, and morals, and just about everything. She was the best Toa, and she was going to prove it.

 

And while Gali slept, a squelchy thing covered in darkness emerged from her shadow. It was pride.

 

And so, pride, envy and madness squelched out of the tent and into the ash, to meet their brothers…

 

OH DEAR

THIS WILL NOT END WELL

[Toru Nui]

Part 211: The Next Day

 

“LEWA YOU LEWA!”

 

“Yyyeeesss?”

 

“Pick up your axe!”

 

“No.”

 

“Pick it up!!!”

 

“No.”

 

“*growl*” Kopaka lifted up Lewa and threw him at the axe. “PIIICK IIIT UUUP!!!” Lewa just used his Mask of Levitation.

 

“Jealous?”

 

“…No.”

 

“…You’re jealous.”

 

“SCREW YOU! SCREW YOU, YOU SCREWBALL!”

 

“Can I spend just a few more minutes sleeping without you loony fatheads acting like a bunch of fatheaded loons?!”

 

“Wake up, idiots! Big day today! Have to get our Golden Masks or everyone and everything we know will die!”

 

“Alright, alright! No need to rub salt into the large gaping wound gnawing at our minds as to how we do it! After all, we will succeed. Otherwise this wouldn’t be very faithful to the source material.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“Well… we need to be a LITTLE faithful.”

 

“Nobody even knows what you’re talking about. Nobody EVER knows what you’re talking about.”

 

“Of course you don’t. Except when you do.”

 

“I get it! *whispering* I don’t get it.”

 

“Look, we better get going! I assume the Matoran are also heading out for their peace conference, so we should be too! This tent is THEIRS after all.”

 

“Speaking of which, how are the other Turaga going to find out about this?”

 

“They’re called Carrier Kewas, you IDIOT.”

 

“Whatever, Professor Lewa.”

 

“JUST PICK UP YOUR AXE AND LET’S GO! To Ko-Wahi!”

 

“NO. WE’RE GOING TO GA-WAHI FIRST. END OF DISCUSSION.”

 

“Well we have got one of your masks already. Not counting the one you had when you arrived, that means we have four to get. Add the three we need for Pohatu, the five for Lewa, Onua, Kopaka…”

 

“Equals a ton of work to do, so let's get moving. But there’s no WAY I’m getting in another boat.”

 

“*sigh* Must I do everything around here?”

 

“Oh, what are YOU going to do?”

 

A few minutes later…

 

“Oooh, this is what you’re going to do.”

 

“I’m already doing it, moron! I need concentration!” Kopaka was creating a bridge of Ice for them to get across the sea, and reach Ga-Wahi.

 

And directly below them, observing them from the deep, was a shadowy squelchy thing.

 

“Heheehheehehhehehe…”

 

FINALLY

THE QUEST BEGINS

TECHNICALLY IT ALREADY BEGAN

BUT NOW IT IS REALLY BEGINNING

[Toru Nui]

Part 212: What Happened to the Gukkos?

 

“You have no idea-clue where we’re going, do you?”

 

“Of course I do! We-“

 

“WE’VE BEEN FLYING AROUND FOR HOURS. Look, the sun’s rising!”

 

“I, Hafu, think this is a waste of my, Hafu’s time and I ask you to drop me, Hafu off at Po-Koro.”

 

“You mean here?”

 

“Yes.” Hafu leapt off the Gukko and fell into the sand.

 

“…Well.”

 

“Let’s never speak-talk of this again.”

 

“Agreed. What’s the fastest way to Ta-Koro?”

 

“Not your navigation. Follow me, everyone.”

 

Hafu got his face out of the sand, and saw his village was in ruins. “Well this sucks. I, Hafu, want to go back to the treehouse place.”

 

TOO LATE FOR THAT

[Erasmus Graves]

Hafu hasn't finished off I, Hafu yet and hasn't exactly reached Hafu the God outside his own imagination, has he? (though that would entail disposing of Onewa, Hewkii and being elected Turaga of Po-Koro VOLUNTARILY by his peers [which is nigh impossible]).

[Toru Nui]

Part 213: Summit of the Problem

 

Le-Koro…

 

“Turaga Matau! Message for you!”

 

“*yawn* Sanso, I swear to Mata Nui, if you play me a song, I will garrotte you with the e-string of your own guitar.”

 

“Hmph. I shall read it then, NON-musically.”

 

“Yes. Like normal people.”

 

“Ahem… Turaga Matau, we, the Ga-Matoran of Ga-Koro, (bit redundant) invite to a peace conference on Mount Ihu to discuss the unruliness of the Po-Matoran of Po-Koro.”

 

“Oh no, not another one! I guess I better attend, if only for the free snacks they hand out.”

 

Ko-Koro…

 

“Sorry sir, do I disturb?”

 

“Cluck.”

 

“There’s a message from the Ga-Matoran. They want another peace conference on Mount Ihu. Because reasons.”

 

“Chirp? Cock-a-doodle doo? Caw?”

 

“Yes, it’s about the Po-Matoran.”

 

“Quack. Hoot!”

 

“Yes, I’ll arrange for the free snacks.”

 

Onu-Koro…

 

“Attention, everyone! We have received a message from Turaga Nokama of Ga-Koro! She wants us to attend a peace conference on the summit of Mount Ihu.”

 

“There is no time to be lost. Let us put aside our differences and attend this peace summit.”

 

“It’s a peace CONFERENCE.”

 

“Is it on the summit of a mountain?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“Then it is a peace summit. Does anybody else object to this?”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“No? Good. Now get going.”

 

SIX WISE ONES HAND IN HAND

KEEP THE SHADOWS PLANS AS PLANNED

BUT BREAK THE ALLIANCE AND PAY THE COST

ALL HOPE FOR PEACE WILL BE LOST

[Toru Nui]

Part 214: Two Very Different Awakenings

 

“Turaga, wake up! We have to go!”

 

“I’ve prepared your speech for you, so don’t worry-“

 

“*groan* I wasted all my energy yesterday sending that Ga-Matoran into orbit. She could stand to lose a few pounds.” You’re one to talk, Hewkii thought. “I suppose it must have hurt when she landed.

 

“Actually… she hasn’t landed yet.”

 

“…What. Whahahahhhehehhehehh!” That’s not funny you sick old man, Hewkii thought again. “WHAT? I knew I was strong but-pahahahhaahhahhahahahh!!!”

 

“You do realize Nokama will probably use this against you at the meeting?”

 

“Oh they’ll laugh their masks off when they hear that. Just relax. I’ve got something planned.”

 

“I hope this goes better than the last something you had planned.”

 

“It would have worked if it wasn’t for Whenua.”

 

“Yeah well we shouldn’t have gone through his tunnels.”

 

“HOW ELSE WERE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO TA-KORO?!”

 

“Boats?”

 

“BOATS?! AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHno. We’re Po-Matoran. We don’t do boats.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

Meanwhile…

 

“*groan* Where am I? *yawn* Last thing I remember is being launched into space…” Hahli looked around to see she was on some sort of beach. Not the Golden Beach, since the sand there was golden, this beach’s sands were white.

 

“BEHOLD!” Then this tall gold and blue being with lots of teeth popped out of nowhere. “I, am the great Botar, and I welcome you to DAXIA!”

 

STRANGE THINGS ARE HAPPENING

AINT NO DOUBT ABOUT IT

[Toru Nui]

Part 215: Home is Where the Heart is

 

“Welp, here we are. Ga-Wahi.”

 

“What a dump.”

 

“Says the guy who lives in an icy wasteland.”

 

“Says the guy who lives in a sandy wasteland.”

 

“Says the guy who lives in a volcanic wasteland.”

 

“Says the guy who lives underneath a wasteland.”

 

“HA! I’m the only one who lives in a nice environment!”

 

“What about the malaria?”

 

“SCREW YOU!”

 

“IMBECILES. MY LAIR IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO LIVE. Says you! Where’s the cursed light! THERE ARE NO LIGHTS. …The Karzahni?!”

 

Meanwhile…

 

“Welcome, to DAXIA!”

 

“You just said that!”

 

“I wanted to say it again! Isn’t it lovely?”

 

“Why am I even here? I’m pretty sure I was on Mata-Nui last time I checked.”

 

“Last time I checked you were being hurled through the stratosphere until I saved your scrawny neck.”

 

“That’s a good point and I’m grateful for that, but three questions: why, how, and-no, that pretty much covers it.”

 

“Because a friend of mine says I’m supposed too, and because I can teleport myself and anyone I’m touching anywhere, anytime.”

 

“That seems… overpowered.”

 

“Oh it is. But you’d be surprised at how inaccurate I am. I think I was supposed to pick you up just a few hundred mios up, but it ended up being more than that.”

 

“Wait a second, what was that about your friend?”

 

“Well, not really friend, more like person I tolerate.”

 

“You realize I’m listening to this conversation, right?”

 

“Shut up Krakua.”

 

“You also realize she can’t hear me, right?”

 

“I said shut up Krakua.”

 

“…OK… can I go now?”

 

“Not yet. It’s been ages since I got visitors. LITERALLY ages.”

 

THIS IS VERY SIMPLE

COUNTLESS YEARS AFTER THE END OF GEN 1 KRAKUA GOES TO LIVE IN A FORTRESS ON AN ISLAND

SOMEWHERE

HE ALSO HAS THE MASK OF TIME AND A MACHINE CAPABLE OF CONTROLLING IT AND SENDING OUT MESSAGES INTO THE PAST

SO BASICALLY KRAKUA IS CALLING BOTH VAKAMA AND BOTAR FROM THE FUTURE

NO THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN CANON

IT IS JUST A BETTER EXPLANATION FOR VAKAMAS VISIONS THAN THE ONE WE GOT

[Erasmus Graves]

 

"I just wanted to say it again! Isn't it lovely?"

But... what about the predators? The malaria? (as bad as Le-Koro!) The fortress just up northwards chock-full of homicidal maniacs super secret agents who kill anyone (even amongst themselves) who puts a toe out of line while doing nothing BIG about the organisation of evil scientists/warriors/engineers/philosophers planning to take over the world heroically protect the universe from behind the scenes?

 

Hmmm. Botar reminds me of Tim Benzedrine for some reason.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Erasmus Graves

[Toru Nui]

Hmmm. Botar reminds me of Tim Benzedrine for some reason.

“If you dig it now, just wait ’til the rush hits you!”

 

Part 216: Chronic Chronicler

 

In the ruins of Po-Koro (where they spent the night after getting out of Onu-Koro), Takua, Nuparu, Taipu and Tamaru woke up from their slumber.

 

“Good morning, gentle-gentlemen!”

 

“*snore* Five more minutes…”

 

“Well, I better be off. I dread to think about how the Onu-Matoran are doing without me.” Nuparu immediately thought of a peaceful Onu-Koro, with not a single invention exploding in sight. “*shiver* You coming Taipu?”

 

“Absolutely not. I’d rather stay here.”

 

“But this is a desolate ruin!”

 

“It’s certainly better than living underground twenty-four seven!”

 

“Good point.”

 

“Did I ever mention to you that when I pass the Chronicler’s Exam, I’m going to write down EVERY single stupid thing you people say? Because I probably should have.”

 

“That would take a VERY long time.”

 

“Oh you have no idea.”

 

HE THINKS IT IS BAD

I HAVE TO WRITE EVERYTHING THEY SAY

Edited March 13, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Petewa]

HE THINKS IT IS BAD

 

I HAVE TO WRITE EVERYTHING THEY SAY

But isn't everything they say stupid?

 

And with that logic in mind, doesn't he have to write down just as much as you?

[Erasmus Graves]

Even more, in fact. Takua has to attribute most of the dialogue, describe the majority of actions taking place and hagiograph all the Toa and Turaga and Matoran (I have a feeling that this is the island of Mata Nui off-camera and in reality - the real BIONICLE story is just a cleaning up and lowering of the level of madness, paranoia and backstabbing of this).

[Toru Nui]

But isn't everything they say stupid? And with that logic in mind, doesn't he have to write down just as much as you?

Even more, in fact. Takua has to attribute most of the dialogue, describe the majority of actions taking place and hagiograph all the Toa and Turaga and Matoran (I have a feeling that this is the island of Mata Nui off-camera and in reality - the real BIONICLE story is just a cleaning up and lowering of the level of madness, paranoia and backstabbing of this).

No, because Takua only appears in about a quarter of the story. He should be thankful he only has that to write.

 

Also, hagiograph? I'd hardly call them saints.

 

Part 217: Divide Six by Two

 

“Alright gang, let’s split up.”

 

“What?! Split up? IN HOSTILE TERRITORY!?”

 

“That’s what I just said you literal dirtbag.”

 

“This is a terrible idea.”

 

“Do you have a better one?”

 

“Well I’m not the leader, so I don’t make the plans. If I could be leader for-“

 

“You can be leader for a minute.”

 

“I was going to suggest forever.”

 

“Enough of this trite!”

 

“Quite right!”

 

“You shut up too!”

 

“Be quiet, idiots.”

 

“No YOU’RE the idiot.”

 

“Yes, and also you.”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“Now if I were leader this sort of thing would never happen.”

 

“I. HATE. ALL OF YOU.”

 

“What did I do?”

 

“No you don’t count because you’re a woman.”

 

“Yes she does, I hate her because she seems to actually TOLERATE this stupidity.”

 

“Yes but you tolerate it also-ow! You punched me in the face! You hit me RIGHT IN THE FACE!”

 

“We noticed. Also, where are Lewa, Pohatu and Onua?”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“If they’re dead, I’m not digging the graves.”

 

“Yes, because I’ll kill you as well.”

 

“But you can’t-“

 

“I’ll find a loophole.”

 

ALLYLOOPHOLE

Edited March 13, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Toru Nui]

Part 218: New Recruits

 

In distance, five Shadow Toa watched as the water seemingly DRAGGED half the Toa Mata into its wet grip to drown them.

 

“HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH! YEEES! EXCELLENT WORK!”

 

“She’s quite good. Too bad I’ll be taking credit for it-“

 

“OH DON’T START THAT AGAIN!”

 

“Thank you, thank you, you’re TOO kind.”

 

“*snarl*”

 

“I don’t understand what you guys are talking about, but if HE hates it, then I LIKE it!”

 

“All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall-“

 

“OK, what’s up with him?”

 

“All these lines make a wall-“

 

“We don’t know.”

 

“Just ignore him, and we should be fine.”

 

“All these lines make a wall. All these lines make a wall. All these-“

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“Keep it down, numbnuts, they might hear us.”

 

“Oh please. They’ve been hearing us for a while.”

 

“What?”

 

“Why do you think they’re running towards us?”

 

“WHA-GAHAHHAHAHAOAWOOWOWOAOWOOW! Me STABBED me, what is wrong with me?!”

 

“I can think of some reasons-“

 

“Shut my hole, me.”

 

“Wait a second, where’s MY evil doppelganger?!” Suddenly, an arm formed out of the water and grabbed the three. “Oh.” And then, they were underwater.

 

Meanwhile, Onua was internally complaining about this happening to him yet again.

 

HA

[Toru Nui]

Part 219: The Future Can Wield Surprises

 

“*yawn* Ah, it’s a beautiful morn-“

 

“SURPRISE!”

 

“*sigh*… Ning.”

 

“Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me.”

 

“Go away.”

 

“Yes I hate you as well.”

 

“What is it you want this time?”

 

“Just want to verify a few things. First of all: have the Toa all arrived yet?”

 

“How am I supposed to know that? I know some have…”

 

“OK, OK. Sheesh. Second of all: when’s that lavaboarding competition happening?”

 

“…You’re not paying the slightest attention to what’s going on, are you?”

 

“Oh. OH. So I take it that’s NOT happening?”

 

“OF COURSE IT’S NOT!”

 

“Well then… some bad news. Your timeline is deviating from mine.”

 

“…What.”

 

“You of all people should understand, Vakama, that time isn’t exactly a rigid material. The slightest change may result in a very different result. Have you done ANYTHING I told you not to do?”

 

“Despite my better judgement, I have not.”

 

“Well something must have happened. And I’m not to blame for this.”

 

“Yes you are.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“I still don’t understand, aren’t we in a stable time loop? The information you give me helps me to achieve a certain result?”

 

“Well… no. In my timeline, yes,  but you’re in another timeline from where I am.”

 

“You just said that!”

 

“I know. See, the point of me doing this is to ensure that as many timelines as possible get a favourable outcome, i.e.: Mata Nui awakens, Makuta is defeated, etc. So far… that plan isn’t going too well.”

 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION THIS BEFORE?!”

 

“I thought it was obvious.”

 

“Idiot. If you were half the guardian of time you’re SUPPOSED to be, you’d tell us how to beat him-“

 

“I can’t do that. The machine is incredibly fragile. Giving away unsubtle important information would cause untold catastrophe.”

 

“How is that a thing?!”

 

“Come on. You were the one who built its power source. You tell me!”

 

“Whatever. Go away, I don’t need your help.”

 

“Isn’t that what you said when-“

 

“I was mutated at the time!”

 

“OK, I’m leaving. Just… do what you do.”

 

I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH MY SCHEDULE

I AM TURNING INTO PETEWA

[Erasmus Graves]

Vakama needs an aspirin. Krakua needs an un-annoying-Turagas pill.

 

Botar's Theme Song:

 

"Snorting, sporting! Speeding through the arbour,

 Pushing till the folk your burn toss you in the harbour!

 Screeching like a dying loon, zooming like a thrush!

 Follow me and very soon your mind will turn to rush! 

 Higher than the nowhere birds grooving in the air,

 We'll open up a sandal shop where everyone will share!

 Flower folk are springing up, wearing bead and boot,

 And if you down me you can stick a feather up your snoot!

 To Love and Peace and Brotherhood we all can snort a toast,

 And if the heat is on again we'll all spit to the Coast!"

 

If he brought Hahli back to the fortress:

"I've brought four with me to crash,

So now's the time to pass the stash!"

 

(All credit goes to The Harvard Lampoon).

[Toru Nui]

Vakama needs an aspirin. Krakua needs an un-annoying-Turagas pill.

Erasmus, you know very well that those are scams!

 

Part 220: Under the Sea, Under da Sea, UNDER THE SEA!

 

“Ack! Arhk!”

 

“*choke* Can’t… Breathe…”

 

“I NOTICED! *gag*”

 

“Good grief, you five idiots take an eternity to drown. Wait… fi-OW!”

 

“Come on. Trying to drown the Toa of Water? I’d think I’d be smarter than that.”

 

“Sadly, your intelligence is overshadowed by your ego. I should know. I AM that ego.”

 

“She’s… talking about you guys…”

 

“BE QUIET! *choke* Time to put you…” Kopaka brandished his sword. “ON IC-wait where’s my- *GAG*” He then relized it wasn't there, but it was still in his duplicate's stomach.

 

Meanwhile…

 

“Oh Makuta… this is horrible... Why... WHY WOULD HE STAB HIMSELF?!”

 

“Wait, we can feel pain? I thought we couldn’t since we were shadow constructs.”

 

“Well apparently we CAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAN! He just… punched me… in the crotch.”

 

“I know! It was hilarious.”

 

“They enjoy our pain. It makes them laugh.”

 

“Who?”

 

“THEM. Yes, I see you. And no, you’re not safe.”

 

“Who is he talking too-OW!”

 

“I can see why THEM find it funny, that was GOLD-OW! OK, stop it!”

 

“I have no choice but to stop. Because all these lines make a wall. And now the wall is ending.”

 

“…What the f-“

 

HE WAS ABOUT TO SAY FLIP

HONEST

[Toru Nui]

Part 221: Social Klyma

 

On the summit of Mount Ihu…

 

“Chirp? Caw?”

 

“Yes, Turaga, everything’s ready. See? Klyma’s here with the snacks.”

 

“GOOD EVENING MY GOOD TURAGA! I HAVE BROUGHT THE REQUESTED DELICACIES! MUCH BETTER THAN THAT CANNED TRASH!”

 

“Hoot…”

 

“Speaking of which Klyma, have you seen the can opener?”

 

“I’VE OFTEN WONDERED WHY WE ONLY HAVE ONE OF THOSE.”

 

“Crow. Cock-a-doodle-doo.”

 

“By the way, we wanted to discuss… ahem… the Ehrye problem.”

 

“OH PLEASE, EHRYE’S NOT A PROBLEM ANYMORE.” Technically, he wasn’t lying.

 

“Yes but… he spent the last ten years in that abandoned asylum. WILLINGLY. The guy’s a little unhinged.”

 

“Twit-too-woo… Chirp…”

 

“Yes… I mean, you know what happened to him.”

 

“NO. NO I DO NOT.”

 

“Crawk. Cluck! Hoooooot…”

 

“He had an incident with one of Makuta’s Kraata. Touched him in a very sensitive place.”

 

“OH GOOD LOR-“

 

“His mind.”

 

“OH… OK.”

 

“He’s not… been the same since. Shut himself up in that cursed asylum. Don’t even know WHY we built it.”

 

“I heard he brought a freaking ROCKET LAUNCHER to that place to scare off any Rahi.”

 

“Oh hey Kopeke.”

 

“WHAT’S UP?”

 

“Up is a direction.”

 

“*SIGH*”

 

EVEN HIS SIGHS ARE HAMMY

[Erasmus Graves]

HE WAS ABOUT TO SAY FLIP

HONEST.

I thought he was going to say fruitcake.

SOCIAL KLYMA

Got the allusion to Post #257.

Edited March 19, 2016 by Erasmus Graves