Absolute Bionicle - Review Topic

[LebowskiNuva]

This is a Review Topic for my fanfic: Absolute Bionicle: 

Hi all! Inspired by what DC is doing with their Absolute Universe, I wanted to take a swing and create my version of an Absolute Bionicle story. I'm mainly doing this for fun and as a writing exercise, so any criticism is welcome! English isn't my native language, so feel free to correct my grammar whenever I make a mistake.

Also, I've posted the same fic on AO3 if any of you would prefer to read it on there: https://archiveofourown.org/works/81745886
Also, also feel free to check out my instagram where I post my MOCs and you'll see some characters from the story there at some point in the future: https://www.instagram.com/lebowskinuva/

Alright guys, hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!

[Nato G]

Welcome to the forum! Always good to see another writer around these parts.

I'll give this a read over when I have some free time tomorrow, and share my thoughts. 

[InfinityStuffBionicle]

and I thought normal Bionicle was dark...

[TERIDAX941]

Just a head's up, your Review Topic link in the story just takes you back the story page.

Looking forwarding to reading through it!

[LebowskiNuva]

39 minutes ago, TERIDAX941 said:

Just a head's up, your Review Topic link in the story just takes you back the story page.

Looking forwarding to reading through it!

Thanks! Fixed it.

[LebowskiNuva]

6 hours ago, InfinityStuffBionicle said:

and I thought normal Bionicle was dark...

Don't worry it will get darker lol
But as they say: it is always darkest before dawn

[LebowskiNuva]

9 hours ago, Nato G said:

Welcome to the forum! Always good to see another writer around these parts.

I'll give this a read over when I have some free time tomorrow, and share my thoughts. 

Thank you! Excited to see what you think of it

[Nato G]

I’ll be clear up-front that I’m not a comic guy and had no knowledge of the DC Absolute Universe until I looked it up today. My understanding is that it’s an AU that changes the power balance of the familiar universe (heroes are underdogs, the rich and wealthy rule the world), and alters fundamental aspects of character’s backstories (Batman is a low-income construction worker, Superman wasn’t raised by the Kents, etc.) while still keeping their heroic natures and main personality traits intact. The core idea of it seems to be that even in a universe created by Darkseid, hope and heroism still exists. (Someone more familiar with the story please correct me if this interpretation is incorrect). 

By contrast, Absolute Bionicle so far lacks a lot of that nuance and optimism, reading much more like a full grimdark story in places. The vignettes are so short and jump around so much in time and place that I struggled to really care about any of what was happening. There seem to be days – if not weeks – of story between section 1 and everything else. Characters are introduced then killed off within a few paragraphs. Why does it matter if Po-Koro has been destroyed, if we never spent any time there? Why should we care about these Gukko Force soldiers being killed if we only just met them? And so on. 

That said, all of those issues to me seem more of a problem of pacing than intention. As you said this is a writing exercise, I’m going to guess you had a handful of cool “What If?” scenes in your head and basically just wrote those? There are indications in the text that everyday life for the characters isn’t as dystopian as what we see in the handful of scenes we get, making this more of a highlight reel of the worst possible moments instead of the norm. 

I know all too well the temptation of “skipping to the cool bit”, but I think focusing on the connective tissue some more would greatly benefit the story. Instead of completely skipping over all of the time the Toa spent in their Wahis and Koros, show us some of that. Slow the pace, build up to the disasters, make us care about these characters, so that when tragedy befalls them it’s impactful to us as readers.

My favourite section by far was The Good of the Many, for exactly that reason. We got see how Kopaka interacted with the villagers, and understand why Matoro mattered to him. There was some great characterisation and worldbuilding there that really established the nature of the story’s universe. That was the section that most made me interested in seeing more of this world. 

My apologies if this commentary seemed overly negative. There’s a lot of potential for growth here, and I’m excited to see where this goes. 

[LebowskiNuva]

7 hours ago, Nato G said:

I’ll be clear up-front that I’m not a comic guy and had no knowledge of the DC Absolute Universe until I looked it up today. My understanding is that it’s an AU that changes the power balance of the familiar universe (heroes are underdogs, the rich and wealthy rule the world), and alters fundamental aspects of character’s backstories (Batman is a low-income construction worker, Superman wasn’t raised by the Kents, etc.) while still keeping their heroic natures and main personality traits intact. The core idea of it seems to be that even in a universe created by Darkseid, hope and heroism still exists. (Someone more familiar with the story please correct me if this interpretation is incorrect). 

By contrast, Absolute Bionicle so far lacks a lot of that nuance and optimism, reading much more like a full grimdark story in places. The vignettes are so short and jump around so much in time and place that I struggled to really care about any of what was happening. There seem to be days – if not weeks – of story between section 1 and everything else. Characters are introduced then killed off within a few paragraphs. Why does it matter if Po-Koro has been destroyed, if we never spent any time there? Why should we care about these Gukko Force soldiers being killed if we only just met them? And so on. 

That said, all of those issues to me seem more of a problem of pacing than intention. As you said this is a writing exercise, I’m going to guess you had a handful of cool “What If?” scenes in your head and basically just wrote those? There are indications in the text that everyday life for the characters isn’t as dystopian as what we see in the handful of scenes we get, making this more of a highlight reel of the worst possible moments instead of the norm. 

I know all too well the temptation of “skipping to the cool bit”, but I think focusing on the connective tissue some more would greatly benefit the story. Instead of completely skipping over all of the time the Toa spent in their Wahis and Koros, show us some of that. Slow the pace, build up to the disasters, make us care about these characters, so that when tragedy befalls them it’s impactful to us as readers.

My favourite section by far was The Good of the Many, for exactly that reason. We got see how Kopaka interacted with the villagers, and understand why Matoro mattered to him. There was some great characterisation and worldbuilding there that really established the nature of the story’s universe. That was the section that most made me interested in seeing more of this world. 

My apologies if this commentary seemed overly negative. There’s a lot of potential for growth here, and I’m excited to see where this goes. 

Thanks for the extensive feedback! I wanted to start off chapter 1 with a bang to show the general vibe of the story so that people know what they're in for. That being said, I suppose I really can work on my pacing a bit more. Thanks again for the advice