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RPG Forum Contest 27 Reviews

RPG Contest RPGC27

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#1 Online Black Six

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Posted Feb 28 2013 - 10:45 PM

RPG Forum Text-Based RPG Contest 27 ReviewsYou know the drill. Read the rules here. Submit entries here. Review entries and discuss reviews here.
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#2 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Mar 01 2013 - 09:03 PM

A few thoughts on MYSTERY: notes in [color=rgb(0,100,0);]bold green[/color].

 

MYSTERY

 

New Island Discovered!

 

After twenty years of planetary exploration, a new island has been discovered in the seas of Aqua Magna by a series of satellite images. Strange wind patterns and the chaotic weather of the region have prevented all attempts to reach the island by aircraft, but a research post has been established on a smaller island located two hundred Kio off the eastern coast.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]200 kio? That's an awfully long way. 274km or more than the width of your Mata-Nui sized island. I'm not sure if that's an intentionally expansive gap or if it would make sense to have them a little closer.[/color]

The Universals who discovered island have dubbed it as Arcieram’Peridius [‘lost mystery’; ‘mysterious place that has been lost], or Windy Island for short. Contact with the remaining Turaga of Metru-Nui and an inspection of old charts reveals a place of similar geography to the island of Mata-Nui, and a series of unmanned probes launched from orbit have shown sources of protodermis intertwined with the natural landscape.

- Rovan, DM-DN Reporter

Year’s End, 652 NE

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]I'll say the same thing I did when Waves first came out: explain you acronyms, and early. They're no help to anyone if you wait until the end to tell us what things like DM-DN and NE stand for.[/color]

Unlocking the Mystery!

 

We at DM-DN are proud to be your number one source of updates for everything happening on Spherus Magna, and in keeping with this tradition bring you the latest update on the newly discovered Windy Island.

 

In their latest press conference, the Spherus Magna Planetary Exploration Department has begun investigations of the island, and discovered a way to breach the hostile weather conditions surrounding the Windy Island. Despite failed early attempts to allow airships and sea craft to make the voyage, a single safe pathway has been identified in the water, large enough for specially designed submarines to pass through. Already, research camps are being set up on the island.

 

More information will be provided as we receive it – and remember, folks, that you heard it from us first!

 

- Keirah, DM-DN Reporter

Midyear 653 NE

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

The Lost Mystery – Found at Last!

 

A little over a year after its discovery, it has been deemed safe by the government for explorers and private researchers to make their way to the Windy Island – Arcieram’Peridius. Researcher’s Retreat, the island just to the east of it, is being settled as this is written down by the very first to see the newly found land. Fortifications are being established in case of unforeseen world.

 

Even now, treasure hunters, explorers, and scientists from all corners of the civilized world come in order to explore the new island. The first submarine is scheduled to leave the forward station next month, and take the first of this group to the newly discovered island. Mata-Nui’s speed to them all!

 

- Kumo, DM-DN Reporter

Starfall 654 NE

 

SETTING

 

Mata-Nui defeated Teridax, the planet of Spherus Magna was restored, and the inhabitants of the Matoran Universe (Univerals) generally got along well with the natives of the world. Things generally happened as they did in canon, only without Kopaka and Pohatu going to the red star. However, all characters taken by the Insane Great Being are still missing, along with the Inika.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);] Here is where things start to get interesting, and pieces of the puzzle start appearing. Either you're leaving out all the unresolved plotlines from canon because you don't want to tie them up, or some of this might be important to the plot. I'm thinking the second one, because the Toa InikaMahri and GB plotlines still stand, but the Red Star thing got completely wiped. (As an aside, is Lewa Nuva among those missing, or did he return since he wandered away from the main group?)[/color]

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]There are a lot of influential and powerful being involved here and kept apart from the rest of the world, and any or all of them might have something to do with this mysterious island.[/color]

The worlds largest superpowers are the Metru-Magna Coalition and the Alliance of Six Kingdoms; there are also many other countries, from independent nations to colonial territories. Almost all weapons trade is controlled by the only thing close to being a rival to the two, the Melting Blades Entente. At the moment, there is general peace amongst them; the only squabbles in recent years between the Coalition and Alliance have been solved via diplomatic means. It is with this peace that exploration has been made prevalent, and the discovery of new lands has been made - including one island more interesting than most.

 

Though officially called Arcieram’Peridius, the massive island has simply been nicknamed the Windy Island due to the turbulent weather conditions surrounding it. There is a smaller island nearby known as Researcher’s Retreat, and a settlement has been established along its western coast, along with a forward base.

 

You are among those who have come to the island. Your reasons are your own – but like all others who have come, this place is a mystery to you; a mystery for you to discover.

 

LOCATIONS: PART ONE

FORWARD OPERATIONS – RESEARCHER’S RETREAT

 

Due to the comparatively mild weather conditions and pleasant landscape of the island east of Arcieram’Peridius, it has been dubbed Researcher’s Retreat. Some refer to it as East Island for its positioning.

 

Vessels travelling to Researcher’s Retreat rarely encounter trouble. Getting to the Windy Island is the hard part. There is but a single path, only able to be navigated by submarine, which connects the two under the water. Leaving the path under the water is risky at best; on the surface, even warships can be shredded by the winds and waves.

 

On the islands western coast is a growing settlement called West Watch made up of some two thousand people who have chosen to settle and colonize the newly found island, and prepare to one day expand to the Windy Island itself. It has proven quite able to support itself with some outside support.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Saying "On this island's western coast" right after you've been talking about the trip to Windy Island makes it seem like the town is on Windy Island. It's only a minor confusion, but it might help to clear up the phrasing there.[/color]

West Watch provides the opportunity to buy and trade, and many who plan on heading to the Windy Island use it as a place to plan and socialize before the trip. The settlement has dual leader; Turaga Elhmak heads the actual town and its people, while the scientific outpost located with it is under the control of its chief scientist, a Vo-Matoran named Jeiras.

 

Just off the coast of West Watch is an isle that borders the underwater route. It has been converted entirely into a fortress by the Metru-Magna Coalition, and is guarded by a number of Glatorian and Toa under the command of Toa Krakua. Recent diplomatic arrangements have also led to it garrisoning a number of soliders from other factions, though in lower numbers.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]So Toa Krakua is a guardian of Researcher's Retreat. There's another hint at the future plot. I sense bad things in that island's future, or at least that garrison's future. That puts up possibilities, but, in keeping with the overall mysteriousness of the game, gives more questions than answers. It's a well placed titbit to got the players wondering.[/color]

LOCATIONS: PART TWO

LOST MYSTERY – THE WINDY ISLAND, ARCIERAM’PERIDIUS

 

Arcieram’Peridius is a massive island, a little shy of half the size of Australia. It is a very peculiar location for a number of reasons –

  • It is composed of roughly 20% protodermis, something that should by all rights not naturally occur.
  • It has a shape suspiciously similar to the now destroyed island of Mata-Nui.
  • There is a rumor going about that satellite scans of the area in the past had not revealed the island; it simply appeared on the scans one day. The SMPED scoffs at this, but refuses to show older scans, insisting the area was never looked over before.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]The SMPED are the experts, so they should know what they're talking about, but for some reason I don't believe a word of it.[/color]

  • Ancient ruins cover the island in random places. The structures are very similar in design to the old sketches and records recovered from the archives that showed the prehistory of Metru-Nui, along with many of the other older structures of the Matoran Universe.
  • While a few purely organic flora and fauna have been found, the vast majority are bio-mechanical – the landing site, for example, has ‘grass’ with blades composed of a very thin bio-metal, which is consumed by metal plated caterpillars which, when studied, eventually formed a cocoon and later emerged as armored butterflies with bat-like wings. Though not all of these creatures show traces of protodermis, many do.
  • The empty shells of Rahkshi and Bohrok are found littering the island, including a very large number of Rahkshi of Heat Vision, like the ones employed during the Battle of Bara-Magna six centuries ago.
  • There are signs of random elemental occurrences across the island – scorch marks across the landscape are one of the most obvious, though most are more subtle.
  • Floating islands. To put it simply, large pieces of rock – sometimes large enough to keep a small forest or a lake on – hover in the sky anywhere from twenty to two hundred Bio over the Windy Island. Sometimes, large areas of the ground where they appear to have ripped out can be seen below, or found with no island to be seen. Whatever force holds the islands in place makes it impossible to use elemental powers within a square Kio of them, sometimes more depending on the size. They also mess up compasses and most scanners. They tend to gather in clusters, and are surprisingly commonplace.
  • Though called the Windy Island, the weather doesn’t begin to act up until one gets some three Kio off the coast, or reaches the highest mountain tops. The unnatural weather is incredibly destructive, keeping the island quite isolated from the outside world.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]More and more mysteries. Clearly something very odd is going on here.[/color]

These aren’t things noticed only by common people, and the numerous worldly governments have hired search teams and numerous research expeditions to travel the surface of the massive island. A rough map of the island can be seen by clicking the thumbnail below –

 

Posted Image

 

Brown = Desert /// Light Green = Hills, Plains /// Dark Green = Forest, Jungle

Red = Lava Flow /// Light Grey = Ice Covered Mountains

Dark Grey = Normal Mountains, Volcanoes /// Blue = Water

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]And here's a map - good. An RPG without a map is like toast without butter. It gives a good idea of the location, but lacks very many details, such as the locations of camps, prominent ruins, groups of floating islands and the like, but since this game is based on mysteries and knowing very little about the island, that is easily forgiven. I see now that while this island resembles Mata Nui in shape, it is many times larger. The 200 kio to West Watch doesn't seem so much anymore compared to the size of the island.[/color]

The areas of the island are fittingly referred to by names similar to those of their counterparts on Mata-Nui.

 

  • Ga-Wahi is the central-eastern area of the island, and it is one of the most hospitable and fertile regions of the island. It is also the best explored, and has only a few ruins or other distinguishing features in it. A number of research bases are found here, especially around the coastline.
  • Ta-Wahi is the mountainous region to the north of Ga-Wahi. There are two massive volcanoes in area, along with lava flows. Most of the area is coated in thick layers of ash. A few research bases can be found here. There are a number of ruins here.
  • Po-Wahi is the desert area that covers the northern region of the island. The largest ruins on the island have been found in this area, mostly buried under the sands. Archaeological dig sites are becoming commonplace here.
  • Ko-Wahi is the mostly frozen mountain range in the western area of the island. Few ruins have been found here, or research bases set up.
  • Le-Wahi is a very diverse area in the southern region of the island covered in forests, thick jungles, and murky swamps. Many ruins can be found here, and a high amount of the floating islands – some with ruins on them, even. Research camps are being set up in the region.
  • Onu-Wahi is the labyrinthine, underground tunnel network of caves that runs under the island. Very few have tried exploration.

 

Players must always be wary of randomly occurring attacks by both rivals from the mainland and the creatures that inhabit the island – some small, others strong and incredibly powerful.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]The location descriptions are quite simple, but then they have to be. It helps that we already know Mata Nui.[/color]

PEOPLE & FACTIONS

THE LITTLE PEOPLE IN THE BIG WORLD

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Since this is a Levacius Zehvor RPG, it is no surprise that the factions are a major part of the game. They are strong and detailed. I'll comment on ech of them individually below.[/color]

There are three major factions in the outside world, all attempting to take as much control as they can over the research on the Windy Island –

 

Metru-Magna Coalition: The Metru-Magna Coalition controls the most land and manpower of the factions, and is composed mostly of Matoran and Natives. Though the Coalition possesses numerous scientific advancements, it suffers in terms of advanced weaponry. They have maintained field advantages with the largest number of Toa among any group. The primary leaders of the faction are Toa Tahu and Chancellor Raanu.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]So why does the faction with advanced tech not have weapons that use that advanced tech?[/color]

Alliance of Six Kingdoms: The ‘Six Kingdoms’ that form this alliance are those of the Barrak[color=rgb(0,100,0);]i[/color]-Kal – Pridak, Mantax, Kalmah, Ehlek, Malum, and the Shadow[color=rgb(0,100,0);]ed[/color] One. Though infighting was commonly early on, the faction has maintained stability much like an individual kingdom under the relatively even control of Pridak and the Shadowed One, the [color=rgb(0,100,0);]most powerful[/color] players amongst the group. The Alliance possesses domination of the seas and powerful military forces, along with the largest diversity of species, but lacks the numbers and land of the Coalition.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]I can understand the Barraki (who have apparently given themselves a promotion) setting up a new empire for themselves, but Malum? He was an exile with nothing but a few semi-intelligent Vorox to help him survive in the desert. He commanded no respect among his people - they saw him as a disgrace. The first traits the BS01 mentions about him are his lack of honour and difficulty controlling his temper. None of that would help him to become the leader of a large group, let alone form a stable alliance with being like the Barraki and TSO.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]And further along that line of thought, TSO doesn't strike me as the type to set himself up as a ruler. As the leader of the Dark Hunters, he didn't try to gain power over peoples and lands. Instead, he exploited the weaknesses of those who did. He gained wealth through theivery and parasitised off others. In the role you've given him here, he is doing the opposite. He's trying to maintain and grow his authority and wealth through order and laws. He is exposed to other beings scamming him exactly the same way he used to scam other governments (and among the sort of followers the Alliance has now, crime would definitely be high). Even if he did go that way, would he really share power? Given what we know of him in the past, he would settle fopr nothing less that absolute authority over his subjects/employees. Sharing power is exactly the sort of thing that would get him killed by Darkness.[/color]

Melting Blades Entente: The Entente was once a small alliance between Vortixx and Skrall, exchanging advanced weaponry for protection against attack. In time, many of the old Skakdi warbands joined as well, along with other surrounding kingdoms. Though none enjoy doing business with the Entente, both of the other major powers and many smaller nations are forced to do so, especially in times of conflict. The Entente’s leaders are Roodaka, Nektann, and Tuma; it is assumed most orders came from the first.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]The schemers, the muscle and the downright violent all in one group. I wouldn't want to get on these guys' bad side.[/color]

Due to the power each faction holds, nearly everyone residing on the island hails from territory claimed by one of the three. The Coalition had the most power on the island initially, as they discovered it, but the Alliance was quick to put their fingers as far in as they could. Behind both their backs, the Entente has purchased all but a few shipyards and docks, and taken control over who can enter or leave the island.

 

Players are encouraged to join up with each other; there are no necessary forms that need to be filled out to make a group and explore the island – just get out there and do it.

 

Here are some of the more important NPCs that can be encountered –

 

Name: Krakua

Gender & Species: Male De-Toa

Description: Krakua is a Toa of Northern Continental build, though taller and slimmer in form. He has black and silver armor, and wears a Suletu shaped like a light grey Hau. Krakua exhibits the Toa traits of honor and nobility very well, and despite all of things he has seen keeps to the Toa Code. He greets his fellow Toa under the terms of ‘brother’ and ‘sister’ in all cases, and has a habit of humming to himself.

Abilities: Krakua possesses the Elemental Power of Sonics, along with incredibly acute hearing. He wears a Great Suletu, providing him the power of telepathy. He possesses mental shielding that prevents him from psychic assault. Krakua is a skilled swordsman and a powerful user of Sonics.

Equipment: Krakua wields a weapon known as the Sonic Vibration Sword that acts as his Toa Tool, serving as a conduit for his elemental powers and as a melee weapon. The weapon has no edge, but can be vibrated elementally to the point that it can slice through something. He generally fights with it blunt-edged, to avoid killing his opponent.

History: Krakua hails from the Tren-Krom Peninsula of the Northern Continent. He was taken from his home in De-Koro by the Order of Mata-Nui and prepared to become a Toa one day. He eventually took on the mantle within the centuries between the Great Cataclysm and Destiny War, and assisted the Order during the time before and during the War with tasks that wouldn’t involve lethal force. He assisted the order during the Siege of Mata-Nui by awakening a horde of Bohrok under the city, and later helped the resistance against Makuta Teridax. After the Battle of Bara-Magna, Krakua became a member of the Security Department of the Metru-Magna Coalition alongside a number of his former Order allies, and was eventually stationed as the head of the outpost near Researcher’s Retreat, under the direct request of Turaga Vakama himself.

 

 

Name: Elhmak

Gender & Species: Male Ba-Turaga

Description: Elhmak is a hunched over Turaga with white and purple armor. He wears a Noble Miru of light purple coloration. Elhmak is a wise individual, and looked up to as a member of the community. He is also a rather shrewd trader and businessman, and quite a good talker. He cares for the settlement on Researcher’s Retreat, and wishes to keep it independent from the three major factions – however, he is losing ground.

Abilities: Elhmak possesses trace amounts of elemental gravity powers. He also has the ability to use his Noble Miru for levitation. He isn’t a master of combat, but can still hold his own with a sword for a short time.

Equipment: Elhmak possesses a scimitar for use in combat, and also carries a staff tipped with an amethyst head that acts as a focus for his elemental powers. He also carries a concealed dagger.

History: In the Matoran Universe, Elhmak was once of the last Turaga of a small Ba-Koro on the Southern Continent. Upon reaching Spherus Magna, he helped with the establishment of a number of new settlements. In time, he came to Resident’s Retreat, and helped with the foundations of a new village that people could settle. Elhmak has expressed a particularly close bond with his place, and has no desire to leave any time soon.

 

Name: Jeiras

Gender & Species: Female Vo-Matoran

Description: Jeiras is a blue and white armored Matoran wearing a blue Huna. She constantly moves about and talks in a rush, and is incredibly fidgety when somebody forces her to stand still. She is generally considered to be a genius.

Abilities: Jeiras possesses an increased resistance to electrical shocks. The common joke is that instead of a resistance to her element, she keeps getting shocked by it unless she stands still. She is incredibly smart, and adept at using all forms of technology. She has a major in archaeology, and is a good shot with a handgun.

Equipment: Jeiras carries a revolver with her at all times, and is miraculously able to remain steady when aiming it. She also carries a bag full of all sorts of pieces of equipments and randomly jotted down notes of research.

History: Jeiras originally came from the Southern Continent, and later migrated to Spherus Magna. Though an independent worker, she was hired by the Metru-Magna Coalition as their top scientist, to be positioned on Researcher’s Retreat for the research Arcieram’Peridius.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Unless someone forces her to stand still or when they force her to stand still? Krakua should be force to leave the island immediately. otherwise, NPCs are fairly standard.[/color]

TRANSPORT

ROLEPLAYING GAMES ON SPEEDERS

 

The Windy Island is huge, and unless you have a Kakama or Kadin, it will take a great deal of time to transverse it.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]A bit of an understatement here, I think. From the map, it looks to be about 1000 kio across and twice that in length. Even if one could fly, is a huge distance to cross. If a character had to go on foot through forests nd mountains, I'm not sure they could reach the east coast before the game's three months is up.[/color]

There are only a few large transport vehicles, as it takes a long time to bring all the pieces to the island. Luckily, there is one thing small enough to pass through – speeders; small vehicles that can be ridden by one or, in a pinch, two people at a time.

 

Every character on the Windy Island has a speeder, unless you really don’t want one for whatever reason. It’s pretty much essential – if you’re not moving on a speeder, or with some kind of speed boost, you’re going nowhere fast; thus, confined to one Wahi for nearly the entire game.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Hooray! a solution to the problem of a very, very big island. And they're cool too. Did you make the island big just to make evrybody get one, or was the island big before you came up with the idea?[/color]

Speeders are incredibly versatile. Capable of moving across solid surfaces with ease, or heading straight up at an angle less than 70 degrees, or even achieving flight for a few minutes (long enough to reach the tops of the floating islands), they allow access to most anywhere on the island. Standard speeders can even move over the surface of water as long as they stay in motion.

 

Speeders function with a combination of Kanoka Disks and normal power sources that combine Native and Universal tech. They can move at incredible speeds, going as fast as 200 Kio per hour or faster. However, the design and safety precautions placed on them only go so far, and moving past that speed will cause physical damage. Speeders do nothing to improve reflexes, and speeds too great are dangerous in areas with numerous obstacles.

 

Speeders generally hover a few inches over the ground, and even when they’re not flying, they can propel themselves upwards up to ten feet in the air with a boost up. The standard look something like the speeders from Return of the Jedi.

 

GAMEPLAY

EXPLORING A SANDBOX RPG

 

Mystery is a sandbox RPG. This does not mean you can do everything you want – however, the island is true to its name. There are plenty of mysteries to unlock. You can come across minor things that are peculiar or strange to advance your character’s personal story as you feel necessary. If it seems out of place or too big, or you’re unsure, get permission from the GameMaster.

 

There are many ways to play through Mystery. You can do the obvious and explore the island to uncover its lost mysteries, both those of the players and the GM. This will help yield progress along the ‘main’ story the most, and will provide the best rewards like character ability improvement (if that’s what’s important to you).

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Erm... what 'main' story? Besides "go exploring and see what you find" and "get stuff before the other factions do", I don't see much overarching plot here. It's almost like the game is (and I hesitate to say this) too sandbox. [/color][color=rgb(0,100,0);]The scenario lacks the initial conflict to get things moving, and to provide some urgency. Since almost everything about Windy Island is veiled in mystery, there isn't any hard fact or knowledge to  begin with. That makes it difficult to create stories with action happening right off the bat. The most exiting exploration we can being with is "Tahu wandered into the forest, wondering what he might find".[/color]

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]For me, this is the biggest thing holding the RPG back.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]It's like we're waiting for something to happen that our characters can respond to. A major discovery or a big, bold, completely unsubtle move by one of the factions. I suggest you have something like this happen to provide a kickoff point.[/color]

You could also engage in the political debates between the factions of Spherus Magna from on Researcher’s Retreat. You could also attempt to keep it independent… or under your control.

 

While these are the major ways, it’s up to you how you want to play, and what kind of story you want to become part of.

 

CREATING YOUR CHARACTERSTEPS TO CREATE YOUR VERY OWN EXPY OF INDIANA JONES

 

You are allowed to have up to six characters, all made with the following form –

 

 

Quote

Name:

Gender & Species:

Description:

Abilities:

Equipment:

Speeder Customizations:

History:

 

 

Keep your names like something that would fit in Bionicle.

 

Under the ‘Gender & Species’ heading, if the character is a Universal and has some form of elemental affinity, the prefix should be placed before the species (‘Male Ta-Toa’). There are no restrictions to gender due to elemental nature.

 

‘Description’ should describe your characters appearance and personality.

 

‘Abilities’ should describe your characters special skills, abilities, powers, and anything extraordinary. If they have any weaknesses, place them here as well.

 

‘Equipment’ should list all weapons and other items a character has. It’s generally assumed most characters also carry some other pack or packs to put things and to contain a few unlisted items, like a lightstone or two, but not any extra weapons or anything that doesn’t make sense for that character to have.

 

‘Speeder Customizations’ describes any specific traits or modifications to your speeder (unless you don’t have one). Don’t go overboard.

 

‘History’ should describe in no less than seventy-seven words the past of your character up to this point – where they came from, what they’ve done, and all of that good stuff. More importantly, it should describe why they’re on the island, and who they work for/with, if anyone.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]The profiles here look deliberately consice. Having only seven headings makes most other RPGs' profiles look huge. So long as it's all there, though, I'm happy.[/color]

RPG RULES

STANDARD ROLEPLAYING GAME ETIQUETTE

 

What are these rules?

 

1. Follow all BZPower and RPG Forum rules.

2. Do not godmod (autohit, autododge, bunny, gaining items out of nowhere, metagaming, etc.)

3. Do not make OOC only posts in the Discussion Topic.

4. Do not double post.

5. Comedy and romance are allowed, but the comedy must no be stupid or random, and shouldn’t break the mood; romances are required to be more realistic and less rushed than the Star Wars prequels.

6. Keep travel realistic. Do not instantly appear from one place to another. It’s a huge world! Use posts that detail your travel, and interact with other characters who are with you for some time before getting there. For the sake of moving the plot, you don’t need to wait for too long before you reach the next point in order to keep the story in motion. However, if your group is racing against a much closer group, you shouldn’t miraculously overtake them. That’s not right.

7. Get permission before doing anything that would majorly change the RPG.

 

Finally, when posting, posts must be done as such –

 

 

Quote

OOC: This is where you make statements ‘Out of Character’, and is not a necessary part of the post. Such statements address another player, rather than from one character to another.

 

IC: Character Name / Character Location

For each character you are making a post for, have a separate IC section (unless there are two in the same location, and you make it easy to determine who is being discussed). This is where you describe what a character does, what they say, what they see, and what they think. Tell it in third-person limited, or first-person if you’re one of those people.

 

 

Punishments for breaking rules are –

 

First Offense – Warning via PM! May be skipped if your crime was severe enough to warrant it.

Second Offense – Public warning!

Third Offense – At least one or your characters meets a terrible fate ranging from injury to death.

Fourth Offense – All of your characters meet some terrible fate ranging from severe injury to annihilation. You are down to two characters.

Fifth Offense – You lose all remaining characters and cannot make any more – you are no longer welcome in this RPG, unless enough of your fellow players vouch for you to be allowed back for a final shot at redemption with a final character.

Sixth Offense – There is no redemption for you.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Rules, rules, rules....[/color]

GETTING INTO THE GAME

WHERE TO START PLAYING

 

The final note is getting into the game. Players may begin play in Researcher’s Retreat, or anywhere within Ga-Wahi. Wherever you start, get involved! Do something interesting, and don’t just sit around while waiting for the plot to advance! If you think something would be cool, do it. (Just remember rule #7) Otherwise, get together with someone else who is doing something. If these aren’t enough options, you could try to follow the actual story –

 

  • There is a large campsite set up in the Ta-Wahi region where a number of archaeologists are attempting to uncover the secrets of a larger ruin, which appears to be an ancient city. The Coalition funded expedition will be mounting soon.
  • Recently, another ruin quite similar to the first was found in the Ko-Wahi region, at its border with Le-Wahi and Ga-Wahi. It appears to be the entrance to a temple. None have entered it yet, though moves made by the Alliance suggest it won’t be long before it has been claimed.
  • One of the submarines making the trip from Researcher’s Retreat never completed the trip. No distress signals were sent, and occasionally a signal appears suggesting it may be intact…
  • Another submarine trip is leaving from Researcher’s Retreat to the Windy Island in short time, and preparations are being made now. It should set forth quite soon.
  • There are rumors of a massive dragon beast being spotted in the Ta-Wahi region, and a number of hunters are attempting to track it down.

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]So here it is! This is the sort of thing I was talking about before. But why in Artakha's name is it hidden down here amongst all the rules?! I completly missed it on my first read-through, and I bet other would as well. This is major, story and character-influencing information. It should be much further up, in huge, bold text and with neon signs flashing all around it! This is the best hook you have to draw players into the RPG and have them create their own storylines. Be pround of it! Show it off! Put it where people can see![/color]

There’s one thing I want nailed into everyone’s heads – if you’re entering the game, or just introducing a new character, there are better things to do than say ‘open for interaction’. This will be welcome at the start of the game, but after that, you should feel free to simply approach or run into another character and start up interaction (and, if necessary, retcon it out if it turns out they went inactive). That’s the best way to get things moving.

 

With that said,

Levacius Zehvor

 

 

[color=rgb(0,100,0);] This game feels very similar to a game from a few contests back (Dreamland by Kal the Guardian). That game also had researchers exploring a mysterious, previously unknown island surrounded by unnaturally nasty weather, and had the interactions between factions as a major part of the game. There even appear to be large, reptillian creatures and a faction of hunters going after them.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]The difference here is that there are links to the world outside of the island, so more is at stake than a small group of researchers.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Overall, this is a well put together RPG with plently of mysteries for characters to probe, but also a large player-controlled component in what they chose to do with the secrets they discover. It it can win the contest, it should be a fun world to play in.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]My only reservation is that it may not have that excitement right from the beginning. Those "Getting into the Game" points are good, and a strong step in the right direction, but they're hardly earth-shaking. My personal preference would be for one big event, but others may see it differently.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Good luck for the contest.[/color]


Edited by The Lorax, Mar 02 2013 - 03:43 AM.

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#3 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 01 2013 - 11:50 PM

200 kio? That's an awfully long way. 274km or more than the width of your Mata-Nui sized island. I'm not sure if that's an intentionally expansive gap or if it would make sense to have them a little closer.

 

You'll find out more later. I know this, because I came from the future and then answered this after you figured it out later in the post.

 

 

I'll say the same thing I did when Waves first came out: explain you acronyms, and early. They're no help to anyone if you wait until the end to tell us what things like DM-DN and NE stand for.

 

I don't explain them here because it wouldn't make sense. The opening is supposed to be somewhat immersive, and not break the fourth wall; the DM-DN and NE are acronyms most people would use. I never actually explain DM-DN because it doesn't matter to the story. But, if you must know, it's Double M - Double N (Metru-Magna News Network).

 

 

 Here is where things start to get interesting, and pieces of the puzzle start appearing. Either you're leaving out all the unresolved plotlines from canon because you don't want to tie them up, or some of this might be important to the plot. I'm thinking the second one, because the Toa InikaMahri and GB plotlines still stand, but the Red Star thing got completely wiped. (As an aside, is Lewa Nuva among those missing, or did he return since he wandered away from the main group?)

There are a lot of influential and powerful being involved here and kept apart from the rest of the world, and any or all of them might have something to do with this mysterious island.

 

Usually, I stray away from the canon events and show the things that happen offscreen. With this RPG, I'm gonna go out on a really, really long limb and instead offer the option for players actions to tie up one if not more of them. It's not apparent yet, but it will be.

 

 

Saying "On this island's western coast" right after you've been talking about the trip to Windy Island makes it seem like the town is on Windy Island. It's only a minor confusion, but it might help to clear up the phrasing there.

 

Hmm. I might go in and fix that one up, then.

 

 

So Toa Krakua is a guardian of Researcher's Retreat. There's another hint at the future plot. I sense bad things in that island's future, or at least that garrison's future. That puts up possibilities, but, in keeping with the overall mysteriousness of the game, gives more questions than answers. It's a well placed titbit to got the players wondering.

 

There's an incomplete circle that still needs completion.

 

 

The SMPED are the experts, so they should know what they're talking about, but for some reason I don't believe a word of it.

 

Interesting tidbit - the SMPED was once a privately funded entity. It hasn't been for a very long time now.

 

 

More and more mysteries. Clearly something very odd is going on here.

 

Or is it?

 

Yeah, yeah it probably is.

 

 

And here's a map - good. An RPG without a map is like toast without butter. It gives a good idea of the location, but lacks very many details, such as the locations of camps, prominent ruins, groups of floating islands and the like, but since this game is based on mysteries and knowing very little about the island, that is easily forgiven. I see now that while this island resembles Mata Nui in shape, it is many times larger. The 200 kio to West Watch doesn't seem so much anymore compared to the size of the island.

 

I considered adding campsites and the like, but I didn't for two reasons. One, it was clutter. Two, it was going to be too hard to make visible without making it look severely different from the map. Yes, the island is very large.

 

 

The location descriptions are quite simple, but then they have to be. It helps that we already know Mata Nui.

 

I wanted to leave as much to the imagination as I could with the locations. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit, but I tend to think I have pretty good descriptive abilities. The thing is, though - this isn't just me playing the RPG. It's lots of people with their own experiences who can contribute to showing what their characters see, and giving the details. I want to provide the tone, and the feel of what's around everything. I'd probably contribute a soundtrack if I could.

 

 

Since this is a Levacius Zehvor RPG, it is no surprise that the factions are a major part of the game. They are strong and detailed. I'll comment on ech of them individually below.

 

That, I believe, is a compliment and makes me happy.

 

 

So why does the faction with advanced tech not have weapons that use that advanced tech?

 

The government of the Coalition is a very strong, centralized government with high taxes that redistributes the money to improve medicines and sciences. Since the Entente offers better weapons anyways, they just consider buying off of them easier. Hoenstly, though, they've probably got a lot of really high level stuff locked away, but it just costs them a lot to build it. The simple answer is, then - it costs them more than the Entente.

 

 

I can understand the Barraki (who have apparently given themselves a promotion) setting up a new empire for themselves, but Malum? He was an exile with nothing but a few semi-intelligent Vorox to help him survive in the desert. He commanded no respect among his people - they saw him as a disgrace. The first traits the BS01 mentions about him are his lack of honour and difficulty controlling his temper. None of that would help him to become the leader of a large group, let alone form a stable alliance with being like the Barraki and TSO.

And further along that line of thought, TSO doesn't strike me as the type to set himself up as a ruler. As the leader of the Dark Hunters, he didn't try to gain power over peoples and lands. Instead, he exploited the weaknesses of those who did. He gained wealth through theivery and parasitised off others. In the role you've given him here, he is doing the opposite. He's trying to maintain and grow his authority and wealth through order and laws. He is exposed to other beings scamming him exactly the same way he used to scam other governments (and among the sort of followers the Alliance has now, crime would definitely be high). Even if he did go that way, would he really share power? Given what we know of him in the past, he would settle fopr nothing less that absolute authority over his subjects/employees. Sharing power is exactly the sort of thing that would get him killed by Darkness.

 

Canon discontiunity; here, Malum actually has a fairly large army of Vorox by this point. All of the Sand Tribe members on Bara Magna answer to him. He was initially recruited by the others because he knew the land better than anyone, including most of the other Glatorian. He also was one of the only people who could negotiate with some of the other Vorox tribes that were found on Bota Magna (perhaps including the one with Kabrua, but how that tale concluded isn't something the average person would know), who actually numbered quite high. Plus, from what we've seen of him after his exile, I'd say his temperment had changed quite a lot.

 

The Shadowed One, canonically, was going to form himself a new kingdom/army of rogues and lower level people. And, as we saw, he had made an alliance with the Barraki before the end of canon. And to be honest, as far as he's concerned, he's not sharing power - he believes that he holds all of the cards, and everything he says goes. In his view, the other five kingdoms answer to him as well. His 'sharing the power' is on the same level as an emperor appointing governors to his lands. Of course, the same view might be held by Pridak, the only person who's as smart as him (if not smarter). The others are only concerned with holding onto the power they have for now, and are pretty much beholded to the other two after their civil war earlier. Malum, in particular, is the weakest link; he wasn't involved in that war, and has not changed his position at all since the beginning. Or, at least, that's what the others think. Nobody pays attention to an underdog.

 

The trouble I find with what you say stems from suggesting the Shadowed One never used order and laws. Going off of what we've seen, I'd say the Dark Hunters were a pretty ordered organization. Everything was set up to happen in exactly one way, and the Shadowed One made sure of that. I saw him as a character who was only in it for self gain, and who enjoyed having power and wealth. And, honestly, being a government official is probably more of a sleezy thing to do than running a criminal organization.

 

Darkness is there to kill him when he shows weakness. When he refuses to punish an enemy, when he let's people who make mistakes continue on. The Shadowed One still lives up to that in his way of governing, and has never stopped. He just happens to go about it via different ways.

 

Look at it his way - the Shadowed One has not lost anything since the Alliance formed, and has only grown stronger. He's always gotten his way. And as far as he's concerned, he holds all of the cards. Whether or not that's true is debatable.

 

 

The schemers, the muscle and the downright violent all in one group. I wouldn't want to get on these guys' bad side.

 

Given enough time, the Vortixx could turn anybody into their right arm. In this case, they got a left arm too.

 

 

Unless someone forces her to stand still or when they force her to stand still? Krakua should be force to leave the island immediately. otherwise, NPCs are fairly standard.

 

When they force her to stand still. As in, she's either running around, or someone managed to get her in one position and now bear witness to the eye twitch of the century.

 

It's strange that Krakua was positioned on the island, isn't it? Considering that he never put in for the position, that is. Plus, it was actually a pretty big rank up from his former job. Strange.

 

 

A bit of an understatement here, I think. From the map, it looks to be about 1000 kio across and twice that in length. Even if one could fly, is a huge distance to cross. If a character had to go on foot through forests nd mountains, I'm not sure they could reach the east coast before the game's three months is up.

 

That's why I added the whole speeder thing in, so they could get from coast to coast if necessary. Based on speeds seen in canon, I believe I saw a calculation somewhere that put the Kakama at about twice the speed of sound (and the Kadin has been shown to be pretty close). Ergo, characters with those masks can match pace with speeder using characters.

 

 

Hooray! a solution to the problem of a very, very big island. And they're cool too. Did you make the island big just to make evrybody get one, or was the island big before you came up with the idea?

 

I didn't really think about how big the island was until after I had put the numbers down on paper. And since I couldn't erase colored pencils, I just rolled with it. The speeders were actually something I was going to put in the Southern Continent RPG I wrote a long time ago, but they were more of a footnote there. This island is actually a lot bigger than the Southern Continent was in that RPG, though; possibly larger than in canon, though the exact size is never stated.

 

 

Erm... what 'main' story? Besides "go exploring and see what you find" and "get stuff before the other factions do", I don't see much overarching plot here. It's almost like the game is (and I hesitate to say this) too sandbox. The scenario lacks the initial conflict to get things moving, and to provide some urgency. Since almost everything about Windy Island is veiled in mystery, there isn't any hard fact or knowledge to  begin with. That makes it difficult to create stories with action happening right off the bat. The most exiting exploration we can being with is "Tahu wandered into the forest, wondering what he might find".

For me, this is the biggest thing holding the RPG back.

It's like we're waiting for something to happen that our characters can respond to. A major discovery or a big, bold, completely unsubtle move by one of the factions. I suggest you have something like this happen to provide a kickoff point.

 

You'll hear about the main story later.

 

To make it known here, though - yes, there will be kickoff points to most events. I might add in a few 'behind the scenes' things, like I did with Waves; overall, though, my random occurences will be stuff anybody can just jump right into. I'm definitely going to have an opening post.

 

 

The profiles here look deliberately consice. Having only seven headings makes most other RPGs' profiles look huge. So long as it's all there, though, I'm happy.

 

Most headings are useless. Why should a single world line like 'gender' not be placed with the characters species? Why should I have a separate section to describe masks, if the blasted things already getting mentioned in powers, appearance, and/or equipment, if not two or all of them? What it comes down to is - Levacius likes short profile forms.

 

 

Rules, rules, rules....

 

Keep your shoes on at all times, too.

 

 

So here it is! This is the sort of thing I was talking about before. But why in Artakha's name is it hidden down here amongst all the rules?! I completly missed it on my first read-through, and I bet other would as well. This is major, story and character-influencing information. It should be much further up, in huge, bold text and with neon signs flashing all around it! This is the best hook you have to draw players into the RPG and have them create their own storylines. Be pround of it! Show it off! Put it where people can see!

 

I shall consider this stuff. The reason it's here is more because this is some of the last stuff I wrote up, since I thought about everything as I figured out the setting. It's also because of my thought process. I thought about the hook at the beginning, and from there I wrote up the backstory of the world. I then started trying to figure out how everything in the past led up to reaching the island. Then, I described the island. Then I described the factions, after I had given them a little more thought. The character creation and stuff is generally after that in RPG stuff, so I put it there. The 'getting into the game' was the last thing because, basically, I talk about the world, then I say how you make a character in it, then I say what your character can do in the world.

 

 

 This game feels very similar to a game from a few contests back (Dreamland by Kal the Guardian). That game also had researchers exploring a mysterious, previously unknown island surrounded by unnaturally nasty weather, and had the interactions between factions as a major part of the game. There even appear to be large, reptillian creatures and a faction of hunters going after them.

 

Yes, I remember Dreamland. I noted the parallels on the way through. I didn't notice the reptillian creature, though. I just wanted to give players the chance to slay a dragon. In a world full of political intrigue and hidden mysteries, sometimes a good old story about the warriors slaying the mighty beast is just what you need to see.

 

 

The difference here is that there are links to the world outside of the island, so more is at stake than a small group of researchers.

 

More than you could possibly imagine.

 

I don't know how well I succeeded, but I hope to give off a different tone as well. Dreamland I remember having a somewhat calming tone when I read it, and across the RPG I always felt a rather serene feel, what with the way the village was described and how the Rhak fought but never really killed anyone. Even in the middle of the storm at the coast, it seemed natural to me.

 

Here, I went for the more 'what the karz?' way of looking at things, and going for the 'grand scale adventure'. Ancient ruins with traps and having to escape being chased by boulders. The Indiana Jones expy thing was no joke - some of the NPCs are probably getting themselves killed by the aliens from Crystal Skull right now. Or possibly the script, since that was the true villain of the movie.

 

Also, and YMMV about if I succeeded here, but I really wanted to make this seem like a Bionicle RPG. The setting was made close to Mata-Nui on purpose - because that's the ultimate Bionicle setting. Strange and mysterious, yet also a place that someone could call home. And based on the ruins, someone, at some point, may very well have.

 

(So vote for the RPG if you want to find out! [/blatantadvertisements]

 

Overall, this is a well put together RPG with plently of mysteries for characters to probe, but also a large player-controlled component in what they chose to do with the secrets they discover. It it can win the contest, it should be a fun world to play in.

 

Yes, yes I think it will.[/blatantadvertising]

 

 

My only reservation is that it may not have that excitement right from the beginning. Those "Getting into the Game" points are good, and a strong step in the right direction, but they're hardly earth-shaking. My personal preference would be for one big event, but others may see it differently.

 

Stories rarely throw the protagonist directly into the climax, and an earth-shaking result isn't going to be apparent at the beginning. There must first be a rise in the action. If the RPG wins, then I'll be sure to get some major events present at the start up, so players have a direct 'into-the-action' approach available (because there are also many stories that start off that way). I'll also try to keep things moving faster than I did in Waves once everything is in motion, so as to keep everyones interests. The goal here is to keep a continous post stream for two months, instead of letting it drop in the first one like what often happens. But we shall see.

 

 

Good luck for the contest.

 

Thank you, and thank you for the review. I shall contemplate these matters.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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dragon_age_coming_soon.jpg


#4 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Mar 02 2013 - 05:21 AM

200 kio? That's an awfully long way. 274km or more than the width of your Mata-Nui sized island. I'm not sure if that's an intentionally expansive gap or if it would make sense to have them a little closer.

 

You'll find out more later. I know this, because I came from the future and then answered this after you figured it out later in the post.

 

 

I'll say the same thing I did when Waves first came out: explain you acronyms, and early. They're no help to anyone if you wait until the end to tell us what things like DM-DN and NE stand for.

 

I don't explain them here because it wouldn't make sense. The opening is supposed to be somewhat immersive, and not break the fourth wall; the DM-DN and NE are acronyms most people would use. I never actually explain DM-DN because it doesn't matter to the story. But, if you must know, it's Double M - Double N (Metru-Magna News Network).

 

If they don't matter to the story, why use them at all? The opening needs to help the audience understand the world of the game, so using a secret code that only you can understand is counter-productive. It adds in confusion and uncertainty where none need to exist. It wouldn't be too hard to sign off one of those news bulletins with

 

 - DM-DN (Doesn't Matter - Denotes Nothing)

 

or whatever your acronym stands for. It's fairly common to do that anyway, so it wouldn't interfer with the fourth wall that much.

 

And by the way, what does N.E. stand for? (Other than Never Explained).

 

 Here is where things start to get interesting, and pieces of the puzzle start appearing. Either you're leaving out all the unresolved plotlines from canon because you don't want to tie them up, or some of this might be important to the plot. I'm thinking the second one, because the Toa InikaMahri and GB plotlines still stand, but the Red Star thing got completely wiped. (As an aside, is Lewa Nuva among those missing, or did he return since he wandered away from the main group?)

There are a lot of influential and powerful being involved here and kept apart from the rest of the world, and any or all of them might have something to do with this mysterious island.

 

Usually, I stray away from the canon events and show the things that happen offscreen. With this RPG, I'm gonna go out on a really, really long limb and instead offer the option for players actions to tie up one if not more of them. It's not apparent yet, but it will be.

 

 

Saying "On this island's western coast" right after you've been talking about the trip to Windy Island makes it seem like the town is on Windy Island. It's only a minor confusion, but it might help to clear up the phrasing there.

 

Hmm. I might go in and fix that one up, then.

 

 

So Toa Krakua is a guardian of Researcher's Retreat. There's another hint at the future plot. I sense bad things in that island's future, or at least that garrison's future. That puts up possibilities, but, in keeping with the overall mysteriousness of the game, gives more questions than answers. It's a well placed titbit to got the players wondering.

 

There's an incomplete circle that still needs completion.

 

 

The SMPED are the experts, so they should know what they're talking about, but for some reason I don't believe a word of it.

 

Interesting tidbit - the SMPED was once a privately funded entity. It hasn't been for a very long time now.

 

I'll add that little piece of the puzzle into my calculations.

 

More and more mysteries. Clearly something very odd is going on here.

 

Or is it?

 

Yeah, yeah it probably is.

 

 

And here's a map - good. An RPG without a map is like toast without butter. It gives a good idea of the location, but lacks very many details, such as the locations of camps, prominent ruins, groups of floating islands and the like, but since this game is based on mysteries and knowing very little about the island, that is easily forgiven. I see now that while this island resembles Mata Nui in shape, it is many times larger. The 200 kio to West Watch doesn't seem so much anymore compared to the size of the island.

 

I considered adding campsites and the like, but I didn't for two reasons. One, it was clutter. Two, it was going to be too hard to make visible without making it look severely different from the map. Yes, the island is very large.

 

 

The location descriptions are quite simple, but then they have to be. It helps that we already know Mata Nui.

 

I wanted to leave as much to the imagination as I could with the locations. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit, but I tend to think I have pretty good descriptive abilities. The thing is, though - this isn't just me playing the RPG. It's lots of people with their own experiences who can contribute to showing what their characters see, and giving the details. I want to provide the tone, and the feel of what's around everything. I'd probably contribute a soundtrack if I could.

 

Fair enough. It's a minor detail that only nit-pickers like me would really use at all.

 

Since this is a Levacius Zehvor RPG, it is no surprise that the factions are a major part of the game. They are strong and detailed. I'll comment on ech of them individually below.

 

That, I believe, is a compliment and makes me happy.

 

That it is. I've not been around this forum as long as some, but every time I've seen you enter a contest, the factions have been well done. Credit where it's due.

 

So why does the faction with advanced tech not have weapons that use that advanced tech?

 

The government of the Coalition is a very strong, centralized government with high taxes that redistributes the money to improve medicines and sciences. Since the Entente offers better weapons anyways, they just consider buying off of them easier. Hoenstly, though, they've probably got a lot of really high level stuff locked away, but it just costs them a lot to build it. The simple answer is, then - it costs them more than the Entente.

 

 

I can understand the Barraki (who have apparently given themselves a promotion) setting up a new empire for themselves, but Malum? He was an exile with nothing but a few semi-intelligent Vorox to help him survive in the desert. He commanded no respect among his people - they saw him as a disgrace. The first traits the BS01 mentions about him are his lack of honour and difficulty controlling his temper. None of that would help him to become the leader of a large group, let alone form a stable alliance with being like the Barraki and TSO.

And further along that line of thought, TSO doesn't strike me as the type to set himself up as a ruler. As the leader of the Dark Hunters, he didn't try to gain power over peoples and lands. Instead, he exploited the weaknesses of those who did. He gained wealth through theivery and parasitised off others. In the role you've given him here, he is doing the opposite. He's trying to maintain and grow his authority and wealth through order and laws. He is exposed to other beings scamming him exactly the same way he used to scam other governments (and among the sort of followers the Alliance has now, crime would definitely be high). Even if he did go that way, would he really share power? Given what we know of him in the past, he would settle fopr nothing less that absolute authority over his subjects/employees. Sharing power is exactly the sort of thing that would get him killed by Darkness.

 

Canon discontiunity; here, Malum actually has a fairly large army of Vorox by this point. All of the Sand Tribe members on Bara Magna answer to him. He was initially recruited by the others because he knew the land better than anyone, including most of the other Glatorian. He also was one of the only people who could negotiate with some of the other Vorox tribes that were found on Bota Magna (perhaps including the one with Kabrua, but how that tale concluded isn't something the average person would know), who actually numbered quite high. Plus, from what we've seen of him after his exile, I'd say his temperment had changed quite a lot.

 

The Shadowed One, canonically, was going to form himself a new kingdom/army of rogues and lower level people. And, as we saw, he had made an alliance with the Barraki before the end of canon. And to be honest, as far as he's concerned, he's not sharing power - he believes that he holds all of the cards, and everything he says goes. In his view, the other five kingdoms answer to him as well. His 'sharing the power' is on the same level as an emperor appointing governors to his lands. Of course, the same view might be held by Pridak, the only person who's as smart as him (if not smarter). The others are only concerned with holding onto the power they have for now, and are pretty much beholded to the other two after their civil war earlier. Malum, in particular, is the weakest link; he wasn't involved in that war, and has not changed his position at all since the beginning. Or, at least, that's what the others think. Nobody pays attention to an underdog.

 

The trouble I find with what you say stems from suggesting the Shadowed One never used order and laws. Going off of what we've seen, I'd say the Dark Hunters were a pretty ordered organization. Everything was set up to happen in exactly one way, and the Shadowed One made sure of that. I saw him as a character who was only in it for self gain, and who enjoyed having power and wealth.

 

Sure, he order and rules all right. He ran a tight ship with the Dark Hunters - very ordered and precise. The point I was trying to make was that the DHs were a criminal gang who subverted the more government-type organisations (with rulers over peoples and lands). The DHs were organised, yes, but for the purpose of spreading disorder among others and gaining wealth by that.

It's a whole different ball game to setting up and organised faction to create stability and security so that one can rule over one's subjects in (relative) peace and creating wealth that way. The one operates in secrecy and darkness and tends to break down civilisation while the other operates openly to organise a large public and build up a (corrupt) civilisation. One builds the bridge across a river and then charges a fee to travellers, while the other burns that bridge and robs the cash register. One is chaotic, the other is lawful.

 

It was the same thing when he first allied with the Barraki. Teridax was ascendant, creating his own orders and infrastructures within the universe. The DH/Barraki alliance existed in opposition to this new society. Their goal was to remove the Makuta from power (with those viruses). They were burning bridges and stealing what others had, not setting up their own kingdoms.

 

This has always been the way TSO has worked. He made an excellent crime lord and had created a highly specialised group of employess who could run against the flow of any society and make a good profit from living on its edges, outside of the law. My real question here boils down to: if he was so good at that, why suddenly switch to being the law and opening yourself up for others to do the same to you?

 

And, honestly, being a government official is probably more of a sleezy thing to do than running a criminal organization.

 

When you have neighbours like Malum and the Barraki, I can well believe that. Maybe even when you don't. Let's shut that line of discussion down though, before it gets too politics-y for BZP.

 

Darkness is there to kill him when he shows weakness. When he refuses to punish an enemy, when he let's people who make mistakes continue on. The Shadowed One still lives up to that in his way of governing, and has never stopped. He just happens to go about it via different ways.

 

Look at it his way - the Shadowed One has not lost anything since the Alliance formed, and has only grown stronger. He's always gotten his way. And as far as he's concerned, he holds all of the cards. Whether or not that's true is debatable.

 

Continuing my point from above, I'd say it is thouroughly not true. He has lost his profession (if it can be called that). Forming an alliance with the Barraki has forced him to change everything about the type of organisation he runs and the way he does things. He's lost his freedom. Once he was a ruthless gang leader, beholden to no-one. He could go anywhere in the universe, take anything he wanted and bully anyone he wanted. Now, he's stuck looking after his borders, trying to maintain his faction in spite of a dissident population and engaging in diplomatic negotiations with his fellow warlords and those sickeningly lawful Matoran!

He's lost his freedom and his way of life. If I were Darkness, I'd be sharpening my knives.

 

The schemers, the muscle and the downright violent all in one group. I wouldn't want to get on these guys' bad side.

 

Given enough time, the Vortixx could turn anybody into their right arm. In this case, they got a left arm too.

 

 

Unless someone forces her to stand still or when they force her to stand still? Krakua should be force to leave the island immediately. otherwise, NPCs are fairly standard.

 

When they force her to stand still. As in, she's either running around, or someone managed to get her in one position and now bear witness to the eye twitch of the century.

 

 

It's strange that Krakua was positioned on the island, isn't it? Considering that he never put in for the position, that is. Plus, it was actually a pretty big rank up from his former job. Strange.

 

Yes, especially strange considering it was Vakama who gave him the promotion. Vakama, the very being who knew he would, one day, end up there all alone. They're trying to close the circle made by that kratana vision, but just how and why is another mystery. However it pans out, the Coalition have some foreknowledge of how things might pan out, so they will be planning for that.

 

A bit of an understatement here, I think. From the map, it looks to be about 1000 kio across and twice that in length. Even if one could fly, is a huge distance to cross. If a character had to go on foot through forests nd mountains, I'm not sure they could reach the east coast before the game's three months is up.

 

That's why I added the whole speeder thing in, so they could get from coast to coast if necessary. Based on speeds seen in canon, I believe I saw a calculation somewhere that put the Kakama at about twice the speed of sound (and the Kadin has been shown to be pretty close). Ergo, characters with those masks can match pace with speeder using characters.

 

Pohatu used a kakama to run from Po-koro to Ko-wahi in 1 minute. Judging distances on a map, that looks equivalent to about a half to a third of the island's width. Since Mata Nui was 178 kio wide, that translates to 60-90 kio/min or about 4,900-7,300 km/h. The speed of sound is 1,236 km/h. That's up to almost six times the speed of sound, depending on where on the border he finished the race and how far in you count as Ko-wahi.

 

Hooray! a solution to the problem of a very, very big island. And they're cool too. Did you make the island big just to make evrybody get one, or was the island big before you came up with the idea?

 

I didn't really think about how big the island was until after I had put the numbers down on paper. And since I couldn't erase colored pencils, I just rolled with it. The speeders were actually something I was going to put in the Southern Continent RPG I wrote a long time ago, but they were more of a footnote there. This island is actually a lot bigger than the Southern Continent was in that RPG, though; possibly larger than in canon, though the exact size is never stated.

 

 

Erm... what 'main' story? Besides "go exploring and see what you find" and "get stuff before the other factions do", I don't see much overarching plot here. It's almost like the game is (and I hesitate to say this) too sandbox. The scenario lacks the initial conflict to get things moving, and to provide some urgency. Since almost everything about Windy Island is veiled in mystery, there isn't any hard fact or knowledge to  begin with. That makes it difficult to create stories with action happening right off the bat. The most exiting exploration we can being with is "Tahu wandered into the forest, wondering what he might find".

For me, this is the biggest thing holding the RPG back.

It's like we're waiting for something to happen that our characters can respond to. A major discovery or a big, bold, completely unsubtle move by one of the factions. I suggest you have something like this happen to provide a kickoff point.

 

You'll hear about the main story later.

 

To make it known here, though - yes, there will be kickoff points to most events. I might add in a few 'behind the scenes' things, like I did with Waves; overall, though, my random occurences will be stuff anybody can just jump right into. I'm definitely going to have an opening post.

 

 

The profiles here look deliberately consice. Having only seven headings makes most other RPGs' profiles look huge. So long as it's all there, though, I'm happy.

 

Most headings are useless. Why should a single world line like 'gender' not be placed with the characters species? Why should I have a separate section to describe masks, if the blasted things already getting mentioned in powers, appearance, and/or equipment, if not two or all of them? What it comes down to is - Levacius likes short profile forms.

 

 

Rules, rules, rules....

 

Keep your shoes on at all times, too.

 

That's sound advice. I wouldn't want my characters to step into a wasps' nest barefoot.

 

So here it is! This is the sort of thing I was talking about before. But why in Artakha's name is it hidden down here amongst all the rules?! I completly missed it on my first read-through, and I bet other would as well. This is major, story and character-influencing information. It should be much further up, in huge, bold text and with neon signs flashing all around it! This is the best hook you have to draw players into the RPG and have them create their own storylines. Be pround of it! Show it off! Put it where people can see!

 

I shall consider this stuff. The reason it's here is more because this is some of the last stuff I wrote up, since I thought about everything as I figured out the setting. It's also because of my thought process. I thought about the hook at the beginning, and from there I wrote up the backstory of the world. I then started trying to figure out how everything in the past led up to reaching the island. Then, I described the island. Then I described the factions, after I had given them a little more thought. The character creation and stuff is generally after that in RPG stuff, so I put it there. The 'getting into the game' was the last thing because, basically, I talk about the world, then I say how you make a character in it, then I say what your character can do in the world.

 

 

 This game feels very similar to a game from a few contests back (Dreamland by Kal the Guardian). That game also had researchers exploring a mysterious, previously unknown island surrounded by unnaturally nasty weather, and had the interactions between factions as a major part of the game. There even appear to be large, reptillian creatures and a faction of hunters going after them.

 

Yes, I remember Dreamland. I noted the parallels on the way through. I didn't notice the reptillian creature, though. I just wanted to give players the chance to slay a dragon. In a world full of political intrigue and hidden mysteries, sometimes a good old story about the warriors slaying the mighty beast is just what you need to see.

 

 

The difference here is that there are links to the world outside of the island, so more is at stake than a small group of researchers.

 

More than you could possibly imagine.

 

I don't know how well I succeeded, but I hope to give off a different tone as well. Dreamland I remember having a somewhat calming tone when I read it, and across the RPG I always felt a rather serene feel, what with the way the village was described and how the Rhak fought but never really killed anyone. Even in the middle of the storm at the coast, it seemed natural to me.

 

I'd be interested to hear Kal's take on this, but the main way I remember it was the inexplicable fear and anger that erupted every time a rhak showed up or two of the factions met. Quiet, yes, but more of an ominous, unknown quiet than a calm quiet. Still, that's not hugely relevant here, so I'll get back on topic.

 

Here, I went for the more 'what the karz?' way of looking at things,

 

Done. Especially in the list of odd things about Windy Island, like the old rahkshi and bohrok shells.

 

 and going for the 'grand scale adventure'. Ancient ruins with traps and having to escape being chased by boulders. The Indiana Jones expy thing was no joke - some of the NPCs are probably getting themselves killed by the aliens from Crystal Skull right now. Or possibly the script, since that was the true villain of the movie.

 

 

Also, and YMMV about if I succeeded here, but I really wanted to make this seem like a Bionicle RPG. The setting was made close to Mata-Nui on purpose - because that's the ultimate Bionicle setting. Strange and mysterious, yet also a place that someone could call home. And based on the ruins, someone, at some point, may very well have.

 

So far, it's looking good on both fronts. Still a little early to tell on the "epic adventure" part - that will have to wait until the promised plot starts progressing.

 

(So vote for the RPG if you want to find out! [/blatantadvertisements]

 

 

Overall, this is a well put together RPG with plently of mysteries for characters to probe, but also a large player-controlled component in what they chose to do with the secrets they discover. It it can win the contest, it should be a fun world to play in.

 

Yes, yes I think it will.[/blatantadvertising]

 

 

My only reservation is that it may not have that excitement right from the beginning. Those "Getting into the Game" points are good, and a strong step in the right direction, but they're hardly earth-shaking. My personal preference would be for one big event, but others may see it differently.

 

Stories rarely throw the protagonist directly into the climax, and an earth-shaking result isn't going to be apparent at the beginning. There must first be a rise in the action. If the RPG wins, then I'll be sure to get some major events present at the start up, so players have a direct 'into-the-action' approach available (because there are also many stories that start off that way). I'll also try to keep things moving faster than I did in Waves once everything is in motion, so as to keep everyones interests. The goal here is to keep a continous post stream for two months, instead of letting it drop in the first one like what often happens. But we shall see.

 

Allright, I can be happy with that.

 

Good luck for the contest.

 

Thank you, and thank you for the review. I shall contemplate these matters.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

 

You're welcome. :)


Edited by The Lorax, Mar 02 2013 - 05:22 AM.

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#5 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 02 2013 - 11:51 AM

If they don't matter to the story, why use them at all? The opening needs to help the audience understand the world of the game, so using a secret code that only you can understand is counter-productive. It adds in confusion and uncertainty where none need to exist. It wouldn't be too hard to sign off one of those news bulletins with

 

 - DM-DN (Doesn't Matter - Denotes Nothing)

 

or whatever your acronym stands for. It's fairly common to do that anyway, so it wouldn't interfer with the fourth wall that much.

 

And by the way, what does N.E. stand for? (Other than Never Explained).

 

I honestly thought I explained NE, but I guess I didn't. I'll add that one in. It stands for New Era, just to clarify.

 

I still fail to see how giving the name of a news network matters. Many networks are known only be their acronyms. I'm sure if you went out and asked a dozen people on the street, only one or two would know what CNN stands for.

 

Sure, he order and rules all right. He ran a tight ship with the Dark Hunters - very ordered and precise. The point I was trying to make was that the DHs were a criminal gang who subverted the more government-type organisations (with rulers over peoples and lands). The DHs were organised, yes, but for the purpose of spreading disorder among others and gaining wealth by that.

It's a whole different ball game to setting up and organised faction to create stability and security so that one can rule over one's subjects in (relative) peace and creating wealth that way. The one operates in secrecy and darkness and tends to break down civilisation while the other operates openly to organise a large public and build up a (corrupt) civilisation. One builds the bridge across a river and then charges a fee to travellers, while the other burns that bridge and robs the cash register. One is chaotic, the other is lawful.

 

It was the same thing when he first allied with the Barraki. Teridax was ascendant, creating his own orders and infrastructures within the universe. The DH/Barraki alliance existed in opposition to this new society. Their goal was to remove the Makuta from power (with those viruses). They were burning bridges and stealing what others had, not setting up their own kingdoms.

 

This has always been the way TSO has worked. He made an excellent crime lord and had created a highly specialised group of employess who could run against the flow of any society and make a good profit from living on its edges, outside of the law. My real question here boils down to: if he was so good at that, why suddenly switch to being the law and opening yourself up for others to do the same to you?

 

Criminal oragnizations can be lawful, and the Shadowed One is definitely not Chaotic Evil. There may have been chaotic aspects to the organization, but the Shadowed One was Neutral Evil if anything - in it only for himself.

 

As it is, right now he's living with more comfort and wealth than he has at any other point in his life. Not enough to soften him, out of awareness (as fear would be the inappropriate word here) of Darkness. He's hardly opened himself up to manipualtion considering as he knows all of the tricks of the trade. He's not just the big guy at top, either - he's got his hands deep in the criminal organizations of society, and pulls all of the strings regarding the lives of his former hunters, whether they know it or not, willing or unwilling.

 

You don't have to be lawful or care about civilization to run one, and the Shadowed One is acting as an example of that. Spherus Magna is a very different playing field from the Matoran Universe, because back then, the Dark Hunters had competition that was even worse than they were - the Brothehood. Here, the only real rival they have is led by the 'heroes'. Which means 'exploitable fools' in his book.

 

He's been show to be intelligent, and at least somewhat charismatic. He's also very experienced, and knows how to run a country as well as he knows how to manipulate those running it. When you get right down to it, the question is - does it matter how he got into a position of power, as long as he's taking care of his own selfish ambitions?

 

 

Continuing my point from above, I'd say it is thouroughly not true. He has lost his profession (if it can be called that). Forming an alliance with the Barraki has forced him to change everything about the type of organisation he runs and the way he does things. He's lost his freedom. Once he was a ruthless gang leader, beholden to no-one. He could go anywhere in the universe, take anything he wanted and bully anyone he wanted. Now, he's stuck looking after his borders, trying to maintain his faction in spite of a dissident population and engaging in diplomatic negotiations with his fellow warlords and those sickeningly lawful Matoran!

He's lost his freedom and his way of life. If I were Darkness, I'd be sharpening my knives.

 

Because the Shadowed One never had to negotiate with people or take part in meetings? Not once? I think not. He's hardly lost his freedom and way of life. His life on Odina consisted of sitting in a chair and punishing Dark Hunters who didn't do what he said. His life here consists of sitting in a chair and punishing anyone who doesn't do what he said. Not to mention that the nation is an Alliance of multiple kingdoms, and he still has an entire region beholded only to his desires. The others he influences in his own ways.

 

Maybe I got the wrong impression, but when I saw TSO getting up in Time Trap, it seemed like a big deal that he was out and about, because they were dealing with the only being that was on the same power level as him, the largest city in the Universe, and missing Dark Hunters, which meant his personal attention, because nobody had every killed a Dark Hunter on the job like that before. He didn't go out on the job willy-nilly. He was a leader, not a worker.

 

Yes, especially strange considering it was Vakama who gave him the promotion. Vakama, the very being who knew he would, one day, end up there all alone. They're trying to close the circle made by that kratana vision, but just how and why is another mystery. However it pans out, the Coalition have some foreknowledge of how things might pan out, so they will be planning for that.

 

Vakama never got to complete the vision.

 

I wonder what the rest of it said?

 

I'd be interested to hear Kal's take on this, but the main way I remember it was the inexplicable fear and anger that erupted every time a rhak showed up or two of the factions met. Quiet, yes, but more of an ominous, unknown quiet than a calm quiet. Still, that's not hugely relevant here, so I'll get back on topic.

 

I think through my characters, so I guess it might be different. Levacius (at that point) was quite the thrill seeker, so giant monsters didn't mean so much. The other characters... didn't... do much.

 

 

So far, it's looking good on both fronts. Still a little early to tell on the "epic adventure" part - that will have to wait until the promised plot starts progressing.

 

Just follow the plot. Or don't. Make your own sub-plot. Grind for XP. You're already pretty high level, though, so I don't understand the point.

 

I kid. But, the epic adventure is still only one facet of things. There's a lot of ways to look at things, and every character (unless they end up doing the same thing and working as a pair) should go through verye different experiences based on how they do things.

 

EDIT:

Pohatu used a kakama to run from Po-koro to Ko-wahi in 1 minute. Judging distances on a map, that looks equivalent to about a half to a third of the island's width. Since Mata Nui was 178 kio wide, that translates to 60-90 kio/min or about 4,900-7,300 km/h. The speed of sound is 1,236 km/h. That's up to almost six times the speed of sound, depending on where on the border he finished the race and how far in you count as Ko-wahi.

 

Much faster than whatever I was reading; regardless, the point stands that the Kakama is incredibly fast.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Mar 03 2013 - 04:36 AM.

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#6 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Mar 06 2013 - 04:17 PM

Okay, this is for Shadows of Fear. In the Ga-Wahi summary it says 'Ga-Matoran sail large transports to foreign islands'. How? Mata Nui is the only island in all of Aqua Magna. There are no other islands or anything. After that, ninjamonkey, your RPG needs a character sheet and rules. You purposefully left out the profile sheet, but where are the rules? You should probably stress the fact that your profiles have to be Matoran in the Player Info section as well.

 

My submission is up, please review it. Thank you.


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I used to have a banner here.

 

But that RPG is dead.

 

What now?


#7 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 06 2013 - 11:59 PM

I only have time for one review, so -

 

SHADOWS OF FATE

 

Okay, so let me get this straight. The Toa never came, so the Iniak Team became Toa. Just a small issue - you try to use their original names, but you left it as Hewkii in the first paragraph. Now, Makuta gets sealed up, and the Toa go to Metru-Nui... wait, hold up. How did they seal up Makuta? The only reason Makuta has been waiting so long is that he's waiting for the Toa Mata, because only they, in accordance with destiny, can awaken Mata-Nui. If the Toa Mata never showed up, then something is going wrong. And Makuta does not need the Toa Inika, who were a lot less powerful than the Toa Mata. And unlike in his fight against Vakama and the Metru, Makuta is at his full strength. If they came up against him, he would waste them almost instantly. Or just send out his Rahkshi, who were an even match for the Toa Nuva, and obliterate them. If, you know, he didn't want to get his hands dirty. Heck, unless they happened to get the guidance of their guardian Kaita spirits, they'd get destroyed by the Manas. How were they supposed to seal the Makuta in a protodermis cage?

 

Okay, so, the Toa never return. And now the Turaga are acting depressing in a rather uncharacteristic way. Some writing and stuff, bla bla... oh, and Makuta's back. Which I really doubt happened if he was in a protodermis cage that cannot be escaped by anything. The only logical thing is that he faked defeat to lure the Toa out to... do something? Like what? Eh, mysteries, mysteries. I won't bother with them, considering how many are in my RPG. Which is also named Mystery. My rambling aside, I'm just going to go with 'Makuta faked everyone out' approach. The only thing stopping me from believing that is how specific (yet still vague) his means of defeat are. And, of course, my biggest problem is...

 

Takuta, go get your shiny mask already you dumb Matoran.[font="Arial;color:#F5B038;"] [/font]

 

Okay, so this is your alternate universe. The defining feature of this universe are a desolate city covered in holes, which I believe is symbolic for the plotholes found in the paragraphs here.

 

Let's go for an adventure. The Toa Inika go to Metru-Nui and get killed off, and then the Toa all Nova at once... why? Why six nova blasts? One nova blast would destroy the entire Visorak Horde and all of Metru-Nui. Why couldn't the others have just ran off while one of them went Nova? I'd say to send Nuparu out using the Kadin, but apparently he and Hahli got cut out from the rest of the gang for whatever reason. I think this universe just likes Hewkii/Macku shipping. I ship that. And why are the Visorak and Roodaka even here? I might have read the other stuff in canon wrong, but didn't Roodaka become a double agent working in secret for both the Brotherhood and Dark Hunters during their universally spread out war? So why is she now - completing opposite of her character - working so openly for the Brotherhood? And why are they in Metru-Nui? I mean, the place has no working power plant, and it's in ruins. It's lost its strategic value. Why waste the time and manpower to put a legion of Visorak - after, of course, taking the time to reorganize them - and stick them in this city? Especially under Roodaka, who failed so badly before. I'd at least put a full Makuta in charge of something like that this time. If, you know, i was wasting my time on it.

 

Furthermore, the destruction of Metru-Nui like that would destroy the core processor, killing Mata-Nui and ending all life in the entire Matoran Universe by wrecking everything from light to gravity, except for maybe Makuta and other hyper powerful beings. You actually make note of this (save for the fact yoou say 'large area' and not 'the entire freaking'), though, so good catch. The thing you didn't catch is how if the rest of the Matoran Universe is gone, Mata-Nui (the island) is no longer being sustained with certain things, as is shown in "The Kingdom" alternate universe. In that case though, they kept it up using the help of Toa and more advanced technology. They do not have those here. The island should be deteriorating.

 

I would think allowing more than three characters.

 

Why is there no currency? What happened to widgets? And why do you decide how fights end? Generally, the players are capable of doing that themselves. It's only when they start breaking rules you need to intervene.

 

Locations are simple, but we're pretty familiar with the classic Wahis, so it's pretty easy to guess at what it's like. Though, like I said, it would be interesting if it was a landscape twisted by giant chasms in the ground. If, perhaps, we had a more changed location. Speaking of changes - how do they trade with other islands? There aren't any other islands!

 

I'd suggest just throw together a template with what you want anyways. Take my advice - trying to evaluate two different profiles with a different format when approving them makes things a lot harder to do.

 

Kay, so we start off with some stuff. And we all have exactly the same number of different pieces of equipment. I'd get rid of the 'tools/weapons/etc.' thing.

 

WHERE ARE THE RULES!?!?!?!?

 

Kay, so, what do I think? You've got a world with more plot holes than actual holes that should logically be there. And, to be honest, there really isn't much of a plot or an objective. The Makuta is there, sure, but... that really doesn't work, because it's pretty much a fight that we couldn't win, even if he's weakened. And that kind of though wouldn't even be metagaming - Makuta is basically an evil god to the Matoran, who can control the island as he wills it. So there's that.

 

But still, with some work it could be a lot better. So just take my advice (with or without the grain of salt) and keep working at it. That's he only way you'll get anything done is improvements.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#8 Offline ninjamonkey3000

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Posted Mar 07 2013 - 11:01 AM

I guess I'll just drop out, it wasn't a good idea in the first place and I left so many plotholes.  Thanks for helping me realize guys.  Maybe I can enter next time.  :confused:

 

EDIT: Looking on it, I'll just try to fill some plotholes.  As for a few answers-

  • I didn't choose the team for shipping, I chose it because those were the 6 McDonald's Matoran sets and I just felt like it'd be a different course from the main universe.
  • Makuta wasn't at full strength here either- I don't think he was necessarily stronger after the Great Barrier and all, if anything weaker due to being sealed for a while, so they did the same thing as the Metru and caged him.
  • They aren't the Inika, they're Toa Mata-style
  • I used the term port town to portray that it's full of docks that sail to other islands without remembering Aqua Magna has no islands aside from Mata Nui.
  • The whole Visorak thing isn't necessarily supporting the Brotherhood- it's Roodaka trying to take the city for her own purposes and leading the Visorak as protection/company/etc.
  • The whole 'deciding how fights end' is for those occasions of intervention.

Edited by ninjamonkey3000, Mar 07 2013 - 01:03 PM.

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"The one who inherits the red souls! AkaRed!"

(oh and I do an epic called 'Desert of Broken Dreams', go check it out)


#9 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 07 2013 - 07:25 PM

No matter what, don't drop out just because something I or anyone else say. Never do that. I'm sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but that's because I tend to nitpick when I'm reviewing over stuff and point out everything. It's a simple fact that any RPG you right will have its plot holes and it will have things that don't make sense.

 

However, your RPG isn't bad. It's just missing some things, and they tend to pose some questions. You pulled together something with a lot less flaws than any of my first writings did, so you should be proud of that.

 

I'll be honest with you - I came back tired and ill-tempered at the end of a day and wrote a review, and definitely came across as way too mean spirited. Looking over it now, I regret having gone off as harshly as I did, and would like to apologize to you for that.

 

While I'm here, though, to give my responses to the edits added -

 

- That explains the choice. Doing it to be different is a reason I'm willing to go with.

- When he was fighting at the Great Barrier, he was in a mental struggle with all of the beings he had absorbed with his shadow hand, and draining power from the power plant in Metru-Nui. He was just a strong at that point, but he was unable to fight to the full strength of his abilities. He explains this to Vakama in Time Trap. What I'm trying to say is I can't see this Toa team being able to defeat Makuta with a protodermis cage at that point in time.

- I was only using the term Inika because most of the members were the same. The lack of any given Toa team name left that as the most easily used option.

- There's the real issue. You could always keep it as a port town, but leave it as a hub for transport to other ports across the island. From there, goods would be transported to the other Koros. Maritime transport is much faster, especially considering how dangerous the island of Mata-Nui was with the Rahi.

- The Visorak (save the Boggorak) really didn't like Roodaka that much, they were just forced to obey her. Why rejoin her?

- You may wish to clarify that.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#10 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Mar 10 2013 - 06:55 PM

A few comments on We Live. For Now, by Canis Lupus.

 

So it's a post-apocalyptic, survival RPG. Those are fairly common, but each has something unique in the adversaries, the time period and the type of disaster.

 

First off, wow, that must have been one huge spaceship. Our best guess at the size of asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs is about 10km across. Since Spherus Magna is many times the size of earth, that must truly have been one giant spaceship. The question of why it was a spaceship is interesting too. Just having a rock hit the planet could do the same thing, but no. I guess that whoever or whatever was on that ship will be important.

 

Why has New Atero banned everyone except Matoran, Agori, Turaga and Makuta? In such desperate times, wuldn't they want some of the more powerful species around to help them out? Surely the extra food that could be grown by a toa of plantlife or the clean water proveded by a toa of water is more than worth the extra they consume? Other powers could be useful too to defend the city from mutants and keep order among the inhabitants.

Another question is why they would hold those deathmatches to get in. Sure, they need to limit their population size, but is that really the best way to do it? It means that those who do get in will likely be severely wounded and unable to do all that hard work. Aside from that, it's downright horrifying, forcing refugees to kill each other for the chance to get a tiny bit of food. This is supposed to be the good version of Teridax, and I'm not sure the evil one was that bad. Desperate times, desperate measures I get, but there has to be a better way to select a few to take in that wouldn't make Light Teridax the main villain in any other RPG on this forum.

 

The question that goes begging with the Crusaders of the Lost Mask is: why was the mask ever lost in the forst place? Surely such and important object would be treasured and kept safe by the people of Spherus Magna, not ignored until everyone forgot where they put it. Whoever was in charge of that has some serious explaining to do. Another question is, why hasn't Mata Nui/the Ignika already noticed that the planet is not as it should be and acting on their own to restore it. They've done it before, so why not now?

 

If the mutants are no longer sentient, that might make playing them a little difficult, since they wouldn't be able to think and percieve things for themselves. Having their desires changed I can understand, or even partial mind control by whatever mutagen changed them in the first place. Memory wipes followed by strong animalistic instincts would at least allow mutant characters to have a bit of personality and make playing them interesting.

 

So why haven't the surviviors got together and stormed Ateor Nui to take its resources? If the place is only defended by one Makuta and a bunch of powerless Matoran and Agori, that city should the the biggest, fattest, sitting duck on the planet.

 

If the world of the survivors is so dog-eat-dog and brutal, how do the traders stay in business? If they have goods above what they themselves need to survive, that makes them a target for militias, robbers, thugs and everyone else who wants what they've got. They won't barter - they'll mug the guy and take his stuff.

 

I'm a sucker for interesting, well-created locations, so having this section in only one paragraph disappoints me. Still, I suppose there's not a lot to say about a blasted, featureless landscape full of dry dust and withered plants, so the lack of description can be forgiven in this case.

When you say the Black Rock Mountains, I assume you mean the Black Spikes? And just to point out, a lot of those were crushed when the Great Spirit robot fell on top of them.

 

True, the plot is very thin. Some might say too thin, but I do like a good sandbox, especially when there's lots of sand around. Just be careful that there isn't so little direction for players to follow that they don't do anything significant and the RPG fizzles.

 

The rules seem fairly standard apart from #6. No custom powers is a biggie. A lot of players really like coming up with their own (BIONICLE-style) powers and using them in games. It's one of the things that can make characters unique and interesting. Also, what difference is there, really, between a toa wearing a custom mask and a Skakdi whose custom power does the same thing? One is allowed, one isn't, but they amount to the same thing. Be careful when approving custom powers, absolutely, but outlawing them completely removes an element of creativity and imagination from the game.

The same goes for cutting down the species. What is wrong with someone playing one of Tobduk's species or a Vortixx? Some are overpowered and shouldn't be allowed, I agree, but it is normally better to list the ones that aren't allowed rather than those that are (or even decide on a case-by-case basis when approving profiles).

 

In all, this is actually a pretty good, game, but it needs some more explanation/thinking on some of the plot elements that currently don't make much sense. The premise is good, but the execution needs a little work. Good luck in the contest.


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#11 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 10 2013 - 07:44 PM

Levacius Reviews RPG Contest #26

 

Okay folks, this is a lovely RPG review compilation that I have pieced together regarding the other RPGs submitted this contest. I'd have had it up sooner, but I couldn't exactly double post. So here, you go, people - "We Live. For Now", "Undying", "The Dead World", and "Reborn in Red".

 

WE LIVE. FOR NOW.

I believe the movie was called ‘They Live’, but I have been wrong before. Okay, so we have a Light Teridax using prophecies on stuff. So clairvoyance is one of his powers, then? But regular Teridax wish he had that. Maybe he could have avoided the space rocks hurtling at his face.

So, a ship suddenly appeared out of warp jump. Identifying this term would mean that either the characters have that kind of technology, or have sci-fi stories very similar to ours. It then crashed into the planet… how big was this ship? We now have mutated people, to top it off.

Okay, so this is all a recording by Onua Nuva. Spherus Magna got messed up really bad. I’d be interested in knowing how they took the Toa Nuva of Earth, though. He pretty readily handled an entire squadron of Exo-Toa in one of the serials.

 

Okay, so Atero Nui (Great Atero? Greater Atero?) is the last major source of civilization. The governments become completely totalitarian. You can’t even call it communism, because communism at least claims to glorify the workers. All that this city seems to care about is the survival of the state itself. Just straight up fascism. And the city council banned other groups? I guess I can understand the Skakdi for being violent, but the Vortixx? They were pretty much the leaders of industry… then again, they probably just left anywhere. There’s nowhere for a capitalist to thrive in a place like this, after all. Other species… eh, whatever. The way I see it, bigger people, more work.

            I’m interested to know how Jaller and Kongu escaped being under the control of the Gold Skinned being. My issue with the Crusaders of the Lost Mask is how universally ‘good’ they are. In a situation like this, even saying ‘almost all’ is a pretty heavy generalization. Maybe the higher ups, but… in a place like this, I could see plenty of folks joining just to escape Atero Nui and possibly claim the mask as their own, rather than use it for the worlds ends.

            Oh, and there’s some mutants and survivors. Sitting duck, huh? Raiders? Face the wrath of my lightning, ye who foolishly tread here.

 

There’s a cloud of mutagen hovering around the crash, the suns gone, the world is cold, and the entire place basically sucks. I have an idea for a character to use in an RPG like this who would work very, very well…

 

Trading is good for the trader, bad for the trade…e? Whatever it’s called. Luckily there’s always better ways than trading to get stuff in a pinch. It’s called stealing stuff.

 

Want something, do it. I can live with that. Barely affect the rest of the game? That’s something you may wish to stray away from saying. What if we found the mask and saved the world? Or what if we lead a revolution against Light Teridax? Or, heck, what if we found the mask and broke it into a million pieces?

 

Rules are just rules, punishments doubly so. Keeping us from custom species is also something I disagree with.

 

Five PCs and ten NPCs. Kay. My biggest issue with your profile is going with the ‘gender is determined by element’ thing. That’s arguably one of the biggest mistakes made canonically, and not something you want to restrict your RPG to.

 

So, what do I have to say about this RPG? Well, it’s an interesting idea, that’s for sure. There’s a few things that I think are examples of doing it wrong – the restriction from custom species and genders come to mind. I honestly haven’t seen the later in an RPG for… I can’t remember ever seeing it on this forum, TBH, but I could be wrong. Other things, like the completely off screen death of so many characters, seem a bit out of place.

            But, there’s also things that are being done right. As I said, it’s an interesting idea. It also provides a possible political/social issue stage with the dystopia (though I guess some would argue it the other way around, but I’m not here to discuss politics) left with Atero Nui in the wake of everything – if this was executed correctly. The world also has enough plot lines to follow, even if they’re not clearly stated. The brevity of the post negates this problem, however.

            Some other advice – at the moment, everything is according to you going to have no impact on the RPG world. Don’t leave it that way. It’s my philosophy that the world is a slowly moving train until the PCs get the thing into full gear. If this wins, remember that when the time comes, you need to be prepared to let us throw the rockets on that sucker. Cause rockets will be thrown.

 

UNDYING

Now, I should be angry about the fact you wait so darn long for the title drop, but it’s literally impossible to be angry with someone after the mention TSFH for the RPG's soundtrack.

 

It took me a few moments to piece together everything in the opening sequence, because of the way that it’s pieced together. I believe the differing in times between these events being discussed at the same time has now officially disproven the idea of time being a line. Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey ball.

            Once the title is dropped, we get the full story, which kind of explains a few things that are missing in. A few things confuse me here, though. If the Wild Hunt fear fire, why don’t they just camp the spawn (Sorrowcliff) with fire Toa and keep them pinned down there? Since the Hunt are tangible beings, a Mask of Intangibility would do the trick to keep you from getting killed off. Just stand there and roast anything that pops up. A hard job, but someone has to do it.

            (For the record, while I am interested in how well that would work, it’s a joke. Sometimes people take those too seriously, so I feel I need to make this clear.)

            I have a few questions relating things in the plot. First of all, Icarax? Clever? There’s many things I’d call Icarax (being my favorite of the Makuta from ’08), but being particularly clever was not his strongpoint. It’s well established that he’s much less clever than Teridax – in fact, even though it’s arguable whether or not Teridax was the smartest, he was certainly the most clever/cunning. I may be misreading this, though, as I’m looking at it from an out of universe perspective. I suppose an in-universe viewpoint may show them as being the smarter/more clever ones for finding another way to get rid of their enemies.

            Also, paragraph eight? The writing is… rather confusing to me. I can understand what it means, but since pretty much everything else is done well, it sticks out a lot more.

 

The refugees aren’t really that special, but the Wild Hunt are certainly an interesting group. I just want to know something – do they all have the same glow? I’ll use Skyrim as an example – all the ghosts are the same blue color with glows. Are they all something like this as well? Or are they varied? The main reason I ask is because if I can have a black armored undead Toa, I’m going all Nazgul up in this joint. Another question is whether or not they’re all completely loyal. Or loyal at all. What if, for instance, one of the Toa who fought alongside Radamir was actually a treacherous lieutenant hoping to raise his own position, and information he gave to the Makuta led to the King being injured and captured. And then he got ‘rewarded’ about as much as Takadox was by Teridax, by being executed with the others without their knowing of what he did. Would a character like this be changed by his undead state? Or was being loyal part of the resurrection process, and the character wouldn’t be brought back at all?

            Another question about the Wild Hunt is in regards to their dying/not feeling pain. If you cut off a member of Wild Hunts hand or something like that, does it regenerate? Does it regenerate when they resurrect? And can they ‘bleed out’ or whatever if they do so? Because if they’re spectral beings that don’t feel pain and resurrect when they die, and don’t regenerate limbs over time, I would think the best way to deal with one would be severing their arms and legs and leaving a bunch of Huntsman a little too close in resemblance to the Black Knight from Holy Grail and stick them in a room somewhere.

 

With Destral Fortress at their disposal for the ‘front line’, the refugees really shouldn’t worry so much. Ever heard of Tuckers Kobolds?

            Does Mutran’s laboratory have a Makuta in a jar? Those things are really dangerous, as it would just so happen to turn out. But I digress. I’ll be sure to try a few break ins. Simple question here – has anyone tried to go use intangibility or something to get in there?

 

Regarding NPCs – does that mean we can’t even introduce one or two enemy attackers into a room and deal with them (as long as it’s not a particularly G-modding fight and follows the rules), or perhaps discuss something with an NPC refugee? Or do you mean that we can’t

 

I’ve never been to Manhattan, but I hear donkeys and weeping angels are currently in season. Can we subtract points from the profiles? It seems a little long to me. :P

            A question – can we take the third road here and, rather than refugee or Wild Hunt, take control of a more intelligent Rahi living in the dungeons or something of the sort? Perhaps to later join the refugees, but at the start an independent being.

            I’d have bet money on who wrote the rules even if it wasn’t stated on the first line.

 

Let’s take a look at all of this, though, and look at the RPG as it is. There’s a few things that could be more clearly stated, and the occasional confusing statement, but overall it’s a well written RPG that presents a few interesting ideas, such as the Wild Hunt. The inclusion of a nigh-immortal character group could be interesting to see, and while easy to abuse, I can’t see the vast majority of forum members doing so.

            Overall, though, it looks like it could be a fun RPG. All it needs right now are a few clarifications.

 

THE DEAD WORLD

Okay, so my first question is – what? That question regards to the reproduction factor. There’s just no reason to have reproduction for anything beyond the Glatorian/Agori and the like. Matoran and other beings from the MU would just have to be the minority, especially in this situation. They have massively long life spans anyways – Ackar was a Glatorian of over 100,000 years in age, and a MU inhabitant would stand to live exponentially longer.

 

The list you created to show which species are allowed is a little too long. I personally dislike doing anything like this, and prefer to approve characters on an individual basis rather than by a ‘plug-n’-play’ creation process.

            Another thing to make note of is that Vorox/Zesk weren’t ‘mutated’, they were modified by the Great Beings. If I remember correctly, they weren’t even their own species before the change, and were simply Sand Tribe Glatorian/Agori.

 

The problem with saying that there’s masks suited for all species/crossbreeds is that it makes it into nothing more than a technology. Kanohi masks required a special willpower to be activated – only Toa, Makuta, and the like have the ability to use Great Masks, and the Toa Nuva were uniquely capable of using a Kanohi Nuva. None were capable of truly tapping into the Vahi. If you’re just going to make a mask that anyone can use, why call it a Kanohi? Or even have it as a mask?

            In my opinion, the Kanasi may seem like an interesting idea, but it presents all sorts of problems. It just seems like a cheap way to let people walk around in space. The problem is that space isn’t supposed to be safe. It’s not really an interesting location, either – it’s just a black void. Designing some sort of special, advanced space suit would be a better idea IMO.

            Just knowing how hard it was to compile masks together and how easily damaged a Kanoka disk was, it seems like they might not be a good choice for designing the hull of a ship either.

 

Just some advice – if there’s so many locations you need to link elsewhere, that’s not a good thing. At the very least, you should give brief descriptions of everything. Maybe link us elsewhere to elaborate upon the individual locations of the world.

 

As far as I’m concerned, the Hordia and Pureblood factions have no reason to exist because I still don’t understand the need to have crossbreeds involved at all. I really don’t.

 

The character profile seems a tad long, but that’s not my real problem. My real problem is the list of what powers we’re allowed to have. Why? There’s no reason to do this, and it wastes space while also limiting characters. Say what we’re not allowed to use, and if something slips through, just say that it isn’t allowed when the actual character profile is presented for approval.

 

But I’ve been mostly going over what I thought was bad, because there’s a lot of corrections I think this RPG needs. What was good about it?

            Well, for starters, the concept of the races from BIONICLE being stranded on a desert area lost to civilization is an interesting one, and opens up a lot of potential plot lines. The thing I’m most interested in is how this ship full of so many people was forgotten. This opens up the doors to all sorts of possible plot lines, such as those actually from Spherus Magna somehow learning of the massive civilization that has grown here and coming upon them with far superior technology and manpower to put them under their control. And then the Avsa faction comes and does a massive face murder (think Starcraft).

            And as much as I say how much I hate the crossbreeds thing, I… okay, I can’t do this, I really can’t side with the whole reproduction gimmick. With all sorts of things that are going on in this RPG, it just doesn’t seem to be important. It also underplays how different the Matoran and other universals are from the natives of Spherus Magna, and it’s just a cheap way to try to humanize them further. If you really want to keep race as the reason behind the Hordika vs. Purebloods, and not just having a slave vs. former master thing, then go with crossbreeds of the races on Spherus Magna. Perhaps they’re just against having any kind of inter-tribal children (Fire/Water Glatorian parents). It also provides a chance to add some social themes and the like to the issue if you were to write that stuff right. Doing it this way also removes having to think up some strange combination of powers. Mostly, I support it because it stops people from finding easy ways to humanize the non-human characters, and illustrates how different the Matoran Universe species really would be. Imagine if some new neighbors moved in next door, always wearing giant plates of armor and strange masks to obscure their face while shooting fire from their hands. Your first thought would be, “That is so karz’ing awesome”, but your second thought would be, “These guys are freaks.” So what I guess I can say is, you have a good idea, but you’re not really executing it properly for a BIONICLE RPG with all of the tools that are provided to you.

            Another good idea is the fact that you have this massive faction war going on, but it’s kind of hard to really think about it because the RPG seems more concerned about the factions and locations than about the actual war and what affects it could have.

            That brings us to the locations. You have a few nice settings… okay, a lot more than a few. And they’re well fleshed out. But here’s the thing – it’s a bore trying to read through them all. And there’s nothing particularly noteworthy about any of them. Just a nice, brief overview of the planets with the names of the cities would be good enough.

            I think the biggest problem for this RPG is that it’s not really sure what it’s trying to do. Is it trying to be a horror RPG? Well, the Avsa faction are there, but they barely do anything in the long run. Is it trying to be an exploration RPG? No, because everything is defined clearly. Is it trying to be a war RPG? No, because the war is barely touched upon. We kind of just have this world (and a bunch of moons) that’s sitting here with a bunch of stuff to do but nothing really important.

 

Having said all of this, what you need to do is figure out what you want to do, and focus everything in the RPG to that thing. Leave other things as options, but give us a little more focus. Try to define a plot more.

            There really are a lot of ideas that you have that are good, and it would be a shame to waste them or this RPG, but you need to figure out what’s really important and try to go for it.

 

REBORN IN RED

It’s funny because the Kestora are commies and they live on the Red Star.

 

My biggest problem with the opening is why Naho is a Turaga. If I recall correctly, the Toa Mangai were sent out of city limits and killed off by Eliminator. So he’d be a Toa.

 

I’ll be straight up about this, my favorite thing about this RPG is how snarky the narration is. Some  people may not like it because it breaks the immersion at random times, but since it’s pretty much reflecting my thought process as I read things it actually makes it easier because I can think about the RPG instead of commentating on it.

 

Let’s look at the overview. What I don’t understand is why the Kestora are stated to want to destroy the teleporter/reviver things (which really need some kind of name) but apparently are making slaves out of the ones they have… why? It would take more effort to keep a bunch of super-powerful Toa and the like hostage as slaves than it would be worth. If they can destroy these things, why aren’t they destroying the ones they control?

            And I guess we all came from the Matoran Universe based on the overview, which really doesn’t do much at all to help out a Kestora character.

 

Karz, there’s a lot of stuff on this red star. The whole onion analogy still kind of confused me, even if after I went and peeled an onion. I sat in my room and cried about it immediately afterwards, mostly because of the onions. I guess the Red Star is kind of like an ogre.

I don’t understand why Karda is one of the neutral locations. Why didn’t the Kestora hold onto this place? How did they get kicked out? Shouldn’t this have been their base of operations? Eh, I dunno.

You know, I can just imagine it now. There’s a swarm of Nui-Rama flying at a Toa of Fire who’s turned against the Toa Code, and he decides to turn around and just open fire, incinerating a couple hundred of them. That must have been a fun down in Bo-Wahi.

 

Factions… again, commies on the Red Star, heh. Though considering how much like an ogre it is, they should call it the green star.

            I do not understand the Revived council. Jeluk, sure. Lhikan… I guess, sort of. But why Kodan? He invented a sport! It’s like if I took the creator of baseball and put him next to Robert E. Lee and Napoleon to be my generals. And really, Sidorak? How is he even still alive… okay, maybe I should rephrase that. How did they not just kill him a second time? Sure, Lhikan and some other Toa may not like that, but think about all of the people who were killed and mutated by the Visorak hordes that he led. Based on how much of the Matoran Universe seemed to be affected (there were legends about the Visorak coming in the archives of Metru-Nui so old that people could barely read them), it would be like if they took Hitler and put him in the UN. And yes, I just compared something to Hitler.

 

Exactly when did the teleportation break in your setting, and how long ago did Jeluk break out? And we have this situation where you mention that Kopaka Nuva and Pohatu Nuva both show up and it’s… barely noted. Two of the six most powerful Toa of all time, and among the strongest beings that are still alive in this universe, are barely of any mention.

 

Join the RPG and stay with it, okay.

 

Okay, so rules are rules. The only thing truly worth notice or important is how beautifully compact this profile form is!

 

Now, let’s dive into it – what did I think of the RPG itself? Well, it’s an interesting idea that encompasses one of the stranger sub-plots of the late canon, if not the strangest, and making use of the obscurities in it to make something creative.

             As noted, there are a few things that don’t quite make that much sense, but they don’t really detract from the RPG itself. They just add a bunch of unnecessary plot holes that make it a bit harder to figure what to do when creating a character. Things like the timeframe, for instance. But other than that you’re good.


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#12 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Mar 10 2013 - 08:06 PM

So, my responses will be in [color=#daa520;]this color.[/color] [color=#000000;]Responses to Lorax:[/color]

A few comments on We Live. For Now, by Canis Lupus. So it's a post-apocalyptic, survival RPG. Those are fairly common, but each has something unique in the adversaries, the time period and the type of disaster. First off, wow, that must have been one huge spaceship. Our best guess at the size of asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs is about 10km across. Since Spherus Magna is many times the size of earth, that must truly have been one giant spaceship. The question of why it was a spaceship is interesting too. Just having a rock hit the planet could do the same thing, but no. I guess that whoever or whatever was on that ship will be important. [color=#daa520;]Looks like you read the Construction and Design Forum. Anyways, the spaceship was driven by a GB. The GBs made the Matoran Universe, so I think it's possible they could make a ship this big.[/color] Why has New Atero banned everyone except Matoran, Agori, Turaga and Makuta? In such desperate times, wuldn't they want some of the more powerful species around to help them out? Surely the extra food that could be grown by a toa of plantlife or the clean water proveded by a toa of water is more than worth the extra they consume? Other powers could be useful too to defend the city from mutants and keep order among the inhabitants. [color=#daa520;]You are very right in this. I have decided to add Rahkshi, which would increase their security tenfold.[/color] Another question is why they would hold those deathmatches to get in. Sure, they need to limit their population size, but is that really the best way to do it? It means that those who do get in will likely be severely wounded and unable to do all that hard work. Aside from that, it's downright horrifying, forcing refugees to kill each other for the chance to get a tiny bit of food. This is supposed to be the good version of Teridax, and I'm not sure the evil one was that bad. Desperate times, desperate measures I get, but there has to be a better way to select a few to take in that wouldn't make Light Teridax the main villain in any other RPG on this forum. [color=#daa520;]I'll probably just change this to non-lethal gladiator matches. The city wants the best warriors to defend the city. The real purpose of this was to just give players something to do, anyways/[/color] The question that goes begging with the Crusaders of the Lost Mask is: why was the mask ever lost in the forst place? Surely such and important object would be treasured and kept safe by the people of Spherus Magna, not ignored until everyone forgot where they put it. Whoever was in charge of that has some serious explaining to do. Another question is, why hasn't Mata Nui/the Ignika already noticed that the planet is not as it should be and acting on their own to restore it. They've done it before, so why not now? [color=#daa520;]This is a big plot hole that I will try to patch- The Mask is not a full power. Mata Nui left the main areas of SM to find evidence of the GBs and recharge the masks energies. Also, Mata Nui has already forgotten about the entire Matoran Universe before, so it wouldn'y be a stretch to say that he is really distracted right now.[/color] If the mutants are no longer sentient, that might make playing them a little difficult, since they wouldn't be able to think and percieve things for themselves. Having their desires changed I can understand, or even partial mind control by whatever mutagen changed them in the first place. Memory wipes followed by strong animalistic instincts would at least allow mutant characters to have a bit of personality and make playing them interesting. [color=#daa520;]Just because they aren't sentient doesn't mean they don't have personality- they're beasts. Animals can have personalities too. I will change it so they have some very basic intelligence.[/color] So why haven't the surviviors got together and stormed Atero Nui to take its resources? If the place is only defended by one Makuta and a bunch of powerless Matoran and Agori, that city should the the biggest, fattest, sitting duck on the planet. [color=#daa520;]First off, two Makuta, both Miserix and Light Teridax. For why they haven't been stormed, these Matoran and Agori are the best fighters on the planet, and they will have Rahkshi once I edit my post.[/color] If the world of the survivors is so dog-eat-dog and brutal, how do the traders stay in business? If they have goods above what they themselves need to survive, that makes them a target for militias, robbers, thugs and everyone else who wants what they've got. They won't barter - they'll mug the guy and take his stuff. [color=#daa520;]They sell weapons too. Look at it this way- You are about to die of starvation. Your only weapon is a Cordak Blaster. How effective is a rocket launcher in hunting? You will trade that for some food immediatly. That trader now has a great weapon.[/color] I'm a sucker for interesting, well-created locations, so having this section in only one paragraph disappoints me. Still, I suppose there's not a lot to say about a blasted, featureless landscape full of dry dust and withered plants, so the lack of description can be forgiven in this case.When you say the Black Rock Mountains, I assume you mean the Black Spikes? And just to point out, a lot of those were crushed when the Great Spirit robot fell on top of them. [color=#daa520;]With the Locations, that is what the first sentence means- the landscape is the same, wherever you go. As for the Black Rock/Spike Mountains, oops.[/color] True, the plot is very thin. Some might say too thin, but I do like a good sandbox, especially when there's lots of sand around. Just be careful that there isn't so little direction for players to follow that they don't do anything significant and the RPG fizzles. The rules seem fairly standard apart from #6. No custom powers is a biggie. A lot of players really like coming up with their own (BIONICLE-style) powers and using them in games. It's one of the things that can make characters unique and interesting. Also, what difference is there, really, between a toa wearing a custom mask and a Skakdi whose custom power does the same thing? One is allowed, one isn't, but they amount to the same thing. Be careful when approving custom powers, absolutely, but outlawing them completely removes an element of creativity and imagination from the game. [color=#daa520;]Skakdi can have custom powers- that is the nature of their third power. You can't have new elements, or stuff like that.[/color] The same goes for cutting down the species. What is wrong with someone playing one of Tobduk's species or a Vortixx? Some are overpowered and shouldn't be allowed, I agree, but it is normally better to list the ones that aren't allowed rather than those that are (or even decide on a case-by-case basis when approving profiles).[color=#daa520;] Really with most of these species, we know to little about them for me to want to make them playable. With most species that aren't playable, the only members that we know a lot about were Dark Hunters or members of Order. Both of these organizations altered their members to give them extra powers and abilities. I will make Vortixx playable though.[/color] In all, this is actually a pretty good, game, but it needs some more explanation/thinking on some of the plot elements that currently don't make much sense. The premise is good, but the execution needs a little work. Good luck in the contest.

 Responses to Levacuis Zehvor:  

Levacius Reviews RPG Contest #26 WE LIVE. FOR NOW.I believe the movie was called ‘They Live’, but I have been wrong before. Okay, so we have a Light Teridax using prophecies on stuff. So clairvoyance is one of his powers, then? But regular Teridax wish he had that. Maybe he could have avoided the space rocks hurtling at his face. [color=#daa520;]The title is not taken from a movie.[/color]So, a ship suddenly appeared out of warp jump. Identifying this term would mean that either the characters have that kind of technology, or have sci-fi stories very similar to ours. It then crashed into the planet… how big was this ship? We now have mutated people, to top it off.Okay, so this is all a recording by Onua Nuva. Spherus Magna got messed up really bad. I’d be interested in knowing how they took the Toa Nuva of Earth, though. He pretty readily handled an entire squadron of Exo-Toa in one of the serials. [color=#daa520;]For the ship size, huge. With warp jump, I personally thought the term was simple enough so people would understand what it is and still get what is. For Onua, the mutants can use both of the powers of the creatures it is composed of. [/color] Okay, so Atero Nui (Great Atero? Greater Atero?) is the last major source of civilization. The governments become completely totalitarian. You can’t even call it communism, because communism at least claims to glorify the workers. All that this city seems to care about is the survival of the state itself. Just straight up fascism. And the city council banned other groups? I guess I can understand the Skakdi for being violent, but the Vortixx? They were pretty much the leaders of industry… then again, they probably just left anywhere. There’s nowhere for a capitalist to thrive in a place like this, after all. Other species… eh, whatever. The way I see it, bigger people, more work. [color=#daa520;]The communism thing is correct, because I say the government is best described as  a communism, not that it is actually one. Everyone is equal. As for the Vortixx, those guys are big. The reason for the banning was to conserve resources.[/color]             I’m interested to know how Jaller and Kongu escaped being under the control of the Gold Skinned being. My issue with the Crusaders of the Lost Mask is how universally ‘good’ they are. In a situation like this, even saying ‘almost all’ is a pretty heavy generalization. Maybe the higher ups, but… in a place like this, I could see plenty of folks joining just to escape Atero Nui and possibly claim the mask as their own, rather than use it for the worlds ends. [color=#daa520;]The Gold Skinned Being died in The Crash. I will probably change that all are good higher up, but the lower guys can be ruthless. Anyways, how could you claim the mask that curses people that merely touch it, and has two consciousnesses that control it's powers?[/color]            Oh, and there’s some mutants and survivors. Sitting duck, huh? Raiders? Face the wrath of my lightning, ye who foolishly tread here. There’s a cloud of mutagen hovering around the crash, the suns gone, the world is cold, and the entire place basically sucks. I have an idea for a character to use in an RPG like this who would work very, very well… Trading is good for the trader, bad for the trade…e? Whatever it’s called. Luckily there’s always better ways than trading to get stuff in a pinch. It’s called stealing stuff. [color=#daa520;]Looters are in the world, but most are traders as well. And how do you steal from a guy who has an arsenal of weapons with him?[/color] Want something, do it. I can live with that. Barely affect the rest of the game? That’s something you may wish to stray away from saying. What if we found the mask and saved the world? Or what if we lead a revolution against Light Teridax? Or, heck, what if we found the mask and broke it into a million pieces? [color=#daa520;]The Mask being found is how I will end the game after the three month period ends. Why would you revolt against Light Teridax? He's keeping a fragile thing together and everyone wants it to stay together.[/color] Rules are just rules, punishments doubly so. Keeping us from custom species is also something I disagree with.  Five PCs and ten NPCs. Kay. My biggest issue with your profile is going with the ‘gender is determined by element’ thing. That’s arguably one of the biggest mistakes made canonically, and not something you want to restrict your RPG to. I t[color=#daa520;]hink I will change it, if enough people don't like it.[/color] So, what do I have to say about this RPG? Well, it’s an interesting idea, that’s for sure. There’s a few things that I think are examples of doing it wrong – the restriction from custom species and genders come to mind. I honestly haven’t seen the later in an RPG for… I can’t remember ever seeing it on this forum, TBH, but I could be wrong. Other things, like the completely off screen death of so many characters, seem a bit out of place.            But, there’s also things that are being done right. As I said, it’s an interesting idea. It also provides a possible political/social issue stage with the dystopia (though I guess some would argue it the other way around, but I’m not here to discuss politics) left with Atero Nui in the wake of everything – if this was executed correctly. The world also has enough plot lines to follow, even if they’re not clearly stated. The brevity of the post negates this problem, however.            Some other advice – at the moment, everything is according to you going to have no impact on the RPG world. Don’t leave it that way. It’s my philosophy that the world is a slowly moving train until the PCs get the thing into full gear. If this wins, remember that when the time comes, you need to be prepared to let us throw the rockets on that sucker. Cause rockets will be thrown. [color=#daa520;]The not-affecting-anything deal is just a logical thing to do, in my opinion.[/color]

Thanks for the feedback.


Edited by Canis Lupus, Mar 10 2013 - 08:12 PM.

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I used to have a banner here.

 

But that RPG is dead.

 

What now?


#13 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 10 2013 - 08:42 PM

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=#daa520;]The title is not taken from a movie.[/color][/font]

 

I have come to spit snark and review RPGs. And I'm all out of RPGs.

 

That little comment was just a joke because the title reminded me of They Live, which I probably just ruined a quote from. Perhaps the greatest quote in movie history.

 

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"] [color=#daa520;]For the ship size, huge. With warp jump, I personally thought the term was simple enough so people would understand what it is and still get what is. For Onua, the mutants can use both of the powers of the creatures it is composed of. [/color][/font]

 

That's no excuse when you can cause the entire earth to tear asunder and devour them all with a flick of your wrist. Heck, Toa Nuva are uniquely capable of setting timed elemental abilities. Just set a "whenever a mutant gets this close" trap and when a mutant gets that close they'll be swallowed up. Cover the entire area within a mile and you're safe enough when you camp at night.

 

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=#daa520;]The communism thing is correct, because I say the government is best described as  a communism, not that it is actually one. Everyone is equal. As for the Vortixx, those guys are big. The reason for the banning was to conserve resources.[/color][/font]

 

Resources which would be easier to conserve if you had the most technologically advanced race helping you out.

 

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=#daa520;]The Gold Skinned Being died in The Crash. I will probably change that all are good like. Anyways, how could you claim the mask that curses people that merely touch it, and has two consciousnesses that control it's powers?[/color][/font]

 

I never claimed it was a good idea to 'claim' the mask. The thing is, how many people would honestly know that much about the curses? Even the Barraki didn't know what the mask could do. Remember Pridak holding onto it constantly? Unless everyone happens to have a doctorate in Ignikaology, they probably wouldn't know much about that.

 

And the Gold Skinned Being died in the Crash? You mean a being literally able to bring dreams to life and change the world with them? What if he just got one of his minions and said, "Hey, dream that the giant spaceship flying at us doesn't exist." Bam, no more spaceship. With the destruction of Annona, the only being that has powers to counteract its abilities, it is currently the most powerful creature in canon, and probably stronger than even Mata-Nui was when he controlled the Matoran Universe.

 

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=#daa520;]Looters are in the world, but most are traders as well. And how do you steal from a guy who has an arsenal of weapons with him?[/color][/font]

 

With a stick. While he sleeps. By shooting him in the face with a gun and robbing his store. Armed robbery, fun fun. He can use his arsenal all he wants but they won't do him much good in that situation.

 

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=#daa520;]The Mask being found is how I will end the game after the three month period ends. Why would you revolt against Light Teridax? He's keeping a fragile thing together and everyone wants it to stay together.[/color][/font]

 

Just because you want something to end a certain way doesn't mean it needs to. Let the mask be found when the mask is found. If players really go after it we should find it within the first month or two. If it's ignored, it'll never be found. Otherwise it feels like we have no impact on the story, and trust me, I've played RPGs where it felt like our characters had absolutely no impact on the story. Not naming names.

 

Reasons to revolt against Light Teridax (who honestly should just be called Teridax because almost nobody in canon ever called the real Teridax by his name, they just called him Makuta)? Well, for starters the basic human (matoran? agori?) rights seem violated by an oppressive government regime of a highly racist nature where he appears to have all of the power. And even then, there's plenty of other reasons. Some people just like anarchy in general, and don't need a just cause behind them.

 

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"]I think I will change it, if enough people don't like it.[/font]

 

It might be better to decide that before the RPG begins. Head over to the main RPG Contest 27 topic, and ask if people want an RPG where element restricts gender? Or go to the General Discussion forum. It's pointless.

 

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=#daa520;]The not affecting anything deal is just a logical thing to do, in my opinion.[/color][/font]

 

There is a limit to how far logic can go, and that limit is met when you have a massive spaceship bring about the apocalypse and create a world where most people are biomechanical in nature and have magical powers. It's called and RPG because it's a roleplaying game. It's also telling a story, and nobody wants to read a story about a bunch of people who had absolutely no impact on anything around them. Do you think Star Wars would have been enjoyable if Luke Skywalker (spoilers) had defeated the Emperor and then it turned out the Empire persisted for decades afterwards and the Emperor was resurrected numerous times?

 

... wait, hold on that did happen in the Expanded Universe. But that's not the point! The point is that reducing the player characters to just a bunch of inhabitants in the world going about their daily lives is reducing us from an epic story to a sitcom. Realism and logic are great things, but you shouldn't put the realism ahead of the RPG itself. Players will try big things and you should be prepared to take them along that path. The biggest rule, of course, is that you never let it be the NPCs who do this, save the main antagonist, or elevate your own personal PC.

 

So, that's all I have to say here. Respond with your thoughts and commentary.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#14 Offline @Maidan

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 10:13 AM

Writing this from my phone, which is really tedious, so appreciate it, Lev. :PAnyway. First, thanks for the review, and a special thanks for pointing out the gameplay errors with the Hunt - all those little things I didn't really think of. Anyway. When I said "there are no NPCs", I just meant that there are no special NPCs who need profiles. Minor NPCs are allowed.The refugees don't just go to Sorrowcliff because they're outnumbered as all bleep. It's like asking why the Soviets didn't just burn Berlin at the start of WW2. It's impossible to get there.For your question on the Hunt's loyalty - Lev, I know what you're thinking, "conspiracy to overthrow king yay!" - since you like doing that sort of thing. Yes, the Hunt has free will and can do as they see fit. Just keep in mind that their goal is to end this pseudoexistence they have. Irrespective of any treachery they may have plotted in life - which was extremely unlikely - they probably don't see any point to such treachery now. The Hunt doesn't really have Starscreams because Radamir is not Megatron. You're at will to make a Starscream, but most of the Hunt are just too loyal to pay him any heed.I'll address your gameplay grievances with some tact edits when I get home.I would also review your entry, but it's rather difficult to do right now. I'll do it later, probably. Anyway, thanks.

 

[color=#b22222;]EDIT: Edits have been made to the entry. I edited the Wild Hunt gameplay and faction sections. If any more clarification is required, let me know.[/color]-Dovydas


Edited by Eduard Bernstein, Mar 11 2013 - 12:39 PM.

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critical acclaim:

"All I know is I'll be playing it because it's awesome. And that's about all that really matters." - Toa Levacius Zehvor

"Without a doubt, worth every post.

So like three if you're me." - The Doc

"Despite nobody mentioning me specifically at all in their speechy thingy even though I'm a good friend of all three staff members (or so I thought </3), GoMN is still an objectively good game and should be voted for. Alongside Spirits of the Ice, because, well, y'know. #shamless plug" -Kal Grochi

 


#15 Offline JustZakaro

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 03:06 PM

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]Responses shall be in [color=rgb(218,165,32);]Golden Rod [/color][color=rgb(0,0,0);]because why not.[/color][/font]

Levacius Reviews RPG Contest #26 REBORN IN REDIt’s funny because the Kestora are commies and they live on the Red Star. My biggest problem with the opening is why Naho is a Turaga. If I recall correctly, the Toa Mangai were sent out of city limits and killed off by Eliminator. So he’d be a Toa.[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Two things there: it's a she, and ehwhoops. I was going to mention something about how Naho gave up her powers and stuffs to make a new Toa team/reactivate a Pod but yeah that didn't happen so yeah. [/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Ehwell, I'll just fix it so she's a Toa. Don't feel like coming up with a reason for why she's a Turaga, and the only reason she is one in the first place is 1. so Lhikan doesn't recognize her at first and 2. It just seems better that way. [/color][/font] I’ll be straight up about this, my favorite thing about this RPG is how snarky the narration is. Some  people may not like it because it breaks the immersion at random times, but since it’s pretty much reflecting my thought process as I read things it actually makes it easier because I can think about the RPG instead of commentating on it.[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Yay snarkyness for the win[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]It just kinda came out of no where[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]I don't think I'd be very good at writing tragic stuff, I'm just not that type of writer IMO. Humor I can do, angst and sad stuffs lolnope.[/color][/font] Let’s look at the overview. What I don’t understand is why the Kestora are stated to want to destroy the teleporter/reviver things (which really need some kind of name) but apparently are making slaves out of the ones they have… why? It would take more effort to keep a bunch of super-powerful Toa and the like hostage as slaves than it would be worth. If they can destroy these things, why aren’t they destroying the ones they control?            And I guess we all came from the Matoran Universe based on the overview, which really doesn’t do much at all to help out a Kestora character.[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]True. Also I decided on Revival Pods somewhere but it didn't make it up into the rest of the RPG. Yeah, why they haven't destroyed the ones they already have is really just an excuse really for keeping the things there and able to be liberated. Oh, and an actual reason would be something like so that they can keep these 'super-powerful Toa and the like' from being added to the ranks of the Revived. But still that gets to be reworked somewhat.[/color][/font] [font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Also I kinda forgot about them poor Kestora in the overview. ehwhoops.[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);](Moreso I got to the factions section and decided on the spot that Kestora were playable so)[/color][/font] Karz, there’s a lot of stuff on this red star. The whole onion analogy still kind of confused me, even if after I went and peeled an onion. I sat in my room and cried about it immediately afterwards, mostly because of the onions. I guess the Red Star is kind of like an ogre.[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]I think the onion analogy was a left-over bit from when I was going to have the locations be like a sphere instead of a disk and have gravity pull outwards so that getting to Karda would be a literal uphill battle, but I decided that it would be too confusing (and also I just couldn't really imagine it)(and kept forgetting that's how it was set up)[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]It was worse before, though. I originally wanted to have this wierd inner-dome thing with this Kestora fort floating in the middle and everyone living on the inside part of the circumfernce with plains and towers and this huge mountain[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]But that was silly so I changed it[/color][/font]I don’t understand why Karda is one of the neutral locations. Why didn’t the Kestora hold onto this place? How did they get kicked out? Shouldn’t this have been their base of operations? Eh, I dunno.[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Moreso I never felt they were ever in Karda in the first place and never would have been because them GBs didn't trust them enough[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]An-oh wait [/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]no giving out answers that solve one of the plot points[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Then there'd be no reason to find it yourself[/color][/font]You know, I can just imagine it now. There’s a swarm of Nui-Rama flying at a Toa of Fire who’s turned against the Toa Code, and he decides to turn around and just open fire, incinerating a couple hundred of them. That must have been a fun down in Bo-Wahi [font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Well if a Toa of Fire did that then there would be no bodies to copy and revive[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]A Toa of Water & tidal wave however... :evilgrin:[/color][/font]Factions… again, commies on the Red Star, heh. Though considering how much like an ogre it is, they should call it the green star.          I do not understand the Revived council. Jeluk, sure. Lhikan… I guess, sort of. But why Kodan? He invented a sport! It’s like if I took the creator of baseball and put him next to Robert E. Lee and Napoleon to be my generals. [font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]My logic was that he was dead, able to be revived. and was a Chronicler so yeah[/color][/font] And really, Sidorak? How is he even still alive… okay, maybe I should rephrase that. How did they not just kill him a second time? Sure, Lhikan and some other Toa may not like that, but think about all of the people who were killed and mutated by the Visorak hordes that he led. Based on how much of the Matoran Universe seemed to be affected (there were legends about the Visorak coming in the archives of Metru-Nui so old that people could barely read them), it would be like if they took Hitler and put him in the UN. And yes, I just compared something to Hitler. [font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Once again, logic followed the Dead-->Revivable-->Was once a leader so yeah. [/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]He shall be replaced. [/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Also I'm suddenly reminded of- I forgot. I should probably just go ahead and backspace this, but whateves.[/color][/font] Exactly when did the teleportation break in your setting, and how long ago did Jeluk break out? And we have this situation where you mention that Kopaka Nuva and Pohatu Nuva both show up and it’s… barely noted. Two of the six most powerful Toa of all time, and among the strongest beings that are still alive in this universe, are barely of any mention. [font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Idunnolol[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]But sometime before Teridax decided to go evil and all at the least. Wait, idea-hold please.[/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]How about it broke during the Great Distruption. That sounds actually possible. Mata-Nui could've bumped into the RS as he got sick/bumped the RS into an asteroid cuz headache. [/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Jeluk probably broke out sometime about when the Order of Mata Nui assassinated the peeps that assualted Artakha, when there was an influx of new arrivals that would've allowed the Makuta to escape without being noticed until it was too late for the Kestora. [/color][/font][font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Yeah, the Nuva aren't mentioned as much as they should be. Thing is, I'm not entirely sure how to emphasize it. It doesn't really fit into any other sections, even if it's just as a mention...[/color][/font]Join the RPG and stay with it, okay. Okay, so rules are rules. The only thing truly worth notice or important is how beautifully compact this profile form is! [font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Somehow I thought you would appriciate that. ;)[/color][/font]Now, let’s dive into it – what did I think of the RPG itself? Well, it’s an interesting idea that encompasses one of the stranger sub-plots of the late canon, if not the strangest, and making use of the obscurities in it to make something creative.             As noted, there are a few things that don’t quite make that much sense, but they don’t really detract from the RPG itself. They just add a bunch of unnecessary plot holes that make it a bit harder to figure what to do when creating a character. Things like the timeframe, for instance. But other than that you’re good.[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Yea, there's a few things that just kinda fall through the cracks and form holes in my little plot, but as you've said they're not really harmful and are also quite easy to fix. Adding dates to the timeline/whatever I called it would solve most of your time issues, so that'll be on the 'Fix List'. [/color][/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"]Anyway, thanks for reviewing Reborn in Red, Lev. You've pointed out those little things, as usual, that can be fixed to improve the RPG. Good Luck with Mystery! ^_^ [/font]

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=rgb(128,0,128);]Zakaro[/color][/font]


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-Lego RPG Forum-

Just call me Zakaro, no matter what's up there.

 

 


#16 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 03:26 PM

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"] [color=rgb(218,165,32);]For the ship size, huge. With warp jump, I personally thought the term was simple enough so people would understand what it is and still get what is. For Onua, the mutants can use both of the powers of the creatures it is composed of.[/color][/font]

 

That's no excuse when you can cause the entire earth to tear asunder and devour them all with a flick of your wrist. Heck, Toa Nuva are uniquely capable of setting timed elemental abilities. Just set a "whenever a mutant gets this close" trap and when a mutant gets that close they'll be swallowed up. Cover the entire area within a mile and you're safe enough when you camp at night.

I don't think the Nuva can do a trigger trap like that. Also, the mutants had the advantage of surprise. Onua Nuva didn't even speak ten syllables after he knew they were coming. One more thing- I left what exactly happened to Onua vague. He's presumed dead, but no bodies were found. He could very well still be alive.

 

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[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]The communism thing is correct, because I say the government is best described as  a communism, not that it is actually one. Everyone is equal. As for the Vortixx, those guys are big. The reason for the banning was to conserve resources.[/color][/font]

 

Resources which would be easier to conserve if you had the most technologically advanced race helping you out.

Well, to let in one very big species and not let in a couple medium ones would just be rather hypocritical. Yes, it would be better if they had Vortixx, but only species of a certain size were allowed.

 

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[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]The Gold Skinned Being died in The Crash. I will probably change that all are good like. Anyways, how could you claim the mask that curses people that merely touch it, and has two consciousnesses that control it's powers?[/color][/font]

 

I never claimed it was a good idea to 'claim' the mask. The thing is, how many people would honestly know that much about the curses? Even the Barraki didn't know what the mask could do. Remember Pridak holding onto it constantly? Unless everyone happens to have a doctorate in Ignikaology, they probably wouldn't know much about that.

 

And the Gold Skinned Being died in the Crash? You mean a being literally able to bring dreams to life and change the world with them? What if he just got one of his minions and said, "Hey, dream that the giant spaceship flying at us doesn't exist." Bam, no more spaceship. With the destruction of Annona, the only being that has powers to counteract its abilities, it is currently the most powerful creature in canon, and probably stronger than even Mata-Nui was when he controlled the Matoran Universe.

For the mask claiming, I was just saying that you can't claim the mask because it can curse you. You can try, but it is best not to. With the Gold-Skinned Being, I made that up on the spot. New explanation: The Gold-Skinned Being vanished, probably because it had a follower that wanted to escape from the planet with the Being. The Mahri were released, possibly do to Skakdi selfishness and them only wanting to save themselves.

 

Quote

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]Looters are in the world, but most are traders as well. And how do you steal from a guy who has an arsenal of weapons with him?[/color][/font]

 

With a stick. While he sleeps. By shooting him in the face with a gun and robbing his store. Armed robbery, fun fun. He can use his arsenal all he wants but they won't do him much good in that situation.

Good points. The real reason for the traders was to give players a means to get supplies, so I don't think I'll remove it.

 

Quote

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"][color=rgb(218,165,32);]The Mask being found is how I will end the game after the three month period ends. Why would you revolt against Light Teridax? He's keeping a fragile thing together and everyone wants it to stay together.[/color][/font]

 

Just because you want something to end a certain way doesn't mean it needs to. Let the mask be found when the mask is found. If players really go after it we should find it within the first month or two. If it's ignored, it'll never be found. Otherwise it feels like we have no impact on the story, and trust me, I've played RPGs where it felt like our characters had absolutely no impact on the story. Not naming names.

 

Reasons to revolt against Light Teridax (who honestly should just be called Teridax because almost nobody in canon ever called the real Teridax by his name, they just called him Makuta)? Well, for starters the basic human (matoran? agori?) rights seem violated by an oppressive government regime of a highly racist nature where he appears to have all of the power. And even then, there's plenty of other reasons. Some people just like anarchy in general, and don't need a just cause behind them.

The Mask- Finding the mask completely changes the game. The world gets fixed. How fun will rebuilding society be for a game? It's a brand new game if the Mask is found.

Light Teridax- What is oppressive and racist about Atero Nui? As far as I can tell, it is neither of those things. If the racist thing is the population control, it is just that, population control.

 

I asked about gender in the Main Forum, and as for not affecting anything, I will change that to not affecting the world as a whole significantly.

 

 

 

 


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#17 Offline ToaOfAwesome

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 04:12 PM

Alright, so my computer is being wierd. Because of this, I wrote my response on a Word  Doc, but it won't let me copy and paste, so here, Toa Levacious Zehvor, is the link to a GOOGLE DOC I freaking had to make to respond to your review...

 

https://docs.google....dit?usp=sharing


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#18 Offline thebeggerpie

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 04:41 PM

 

TOA, just a hint on your RPG(as I can not give a full review ATM), you can use spoiler tags to put your lists of Mask, Elements, and Vision powers. It will make it much more easier to read.

 

Spoiler

 

That^ is the tags for making it work.


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#19 Offline ToaOfAwesome

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 04:42 PM

 

 

TOA, just a hint on your RPG(as I can not give a full review ATM), you can use spoiler tags to put your lists of Mask, Elements, and Vision powers. It will make it much more easier to read.

 

 

Spoiler

 

That^ is the tags for making it work.

 

Thanks, I'll do that.

 

EDIT: I edited the stuff I said I'd edit, TLZ, just a heads up in case you respond to my response.  ;)


Edited by ToaOfAwesome, Mar 11 2013 - 06:28 PM.

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#20 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 06:30 PM

As I write this, Lloyd is watching the Review topic. This can only mean one thing - Lloyd is on the Reviews Topic. I dunno what else you might get out of that.

 

@ Dovydas;

 

The Starscream type character was more of an 'extreme end' example because if the extreme end would be okay. Another question to add on here - the Hunt cannot 'speak' in Matoran, but could they communicate using glyphs or symbols, or possibly by writing in the Matoran language? Or does the same thing keeping their tongues back remove all capability to communicate? They're hardly an ancient enough group to use a different form of text in writing, after all.

 

Don't really see any problems with the updates that were might. Bums me out a little, though. I was gonna deck the halls with limbless Hunters (fa la la la la).

 

Thanks for the clarification, so best of luck with the RPG.

 

@ Zakaro;

 

Yeah... I mean she. My mistake. I figured the reason was of the 'so there's not recognizing' type.

 

Well the Kestora are dirty reds (apparently) so I guess they deserve being forgotten in the overview.

 

Who cares about how crazy something is? A giant floating castle in the center of the Red Star that requires an uphill battle to reach could be an interesting situation.

 

I guess what it comes down to is just fixing the easy to fix stuff and adding in dates, and since you're going to do that then yeah, looking mostly ready for the contest. Though a few more people may have something to say.

 

@ Canis Lupus;

 

I would assume they can because they're the Nuva and they have whatever powers they need for the plot.

 

Well hypocritical or not they're still being jagaloons.

 

Alright, I guess I can buy that explanation.

 

Oh, the traders will give us supplies all right...

 

There's lots of things to do once the mask is used. That still leaves the entire space ship idea, and I doubt the mask would just 'get rid of' the mutants. One adventure always leads to another, and assuming that the plot stops just because one thing is resolved is folly. Spherus Magna is a big world, and there's always more to do.

 

As far as what's oppressive and racist... you do realize that if you asked most people on the street what they thought of population control they wouldn't exactly be keen on siding with it. These are a bunch of people who are forced to give up their own personal happiness or any hope of success just to keep this one city that apparently has no technological drive to progress further than it is now operating, while one guy is in charge of it all. They get protection from the mutants and some food, and in return they do as they're told and work. There's a saying that goes, "Those who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." And right now you've got a city full of people doing just that, and I'm sure there's plenty who are less than pleased with how things are. There would be plenty of people who want a new city where people are free to work how they want, when they want, and make their own rewards, and actually attempt to move the city further in progress towards finding a way to survive and make do with how the planet has become.

 

@ Toa of Awesome;

 

Alright, so my computer is being wierd. Because of this, I wrote my response on a Word  Doc, but it won't let me copy and paste, so here, Toa Levacious Zehvor, is the link to a GOOGLE DOC I freaking had to make to respond to your review...

 

If your mouse is being funky, I would suggest Ctrl+A, Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V. Select all, copy, paste. Every few moments while I type on BZP I hit Ctrl+A and Ctrl+C to copy it, so I can paste it later. Even when your mouse is being stupid, I usually find the hotkeys work.

 

 

... implanted with the technology to do so? What kind of creepy sci-fi stories have you been reading, child?

 

It's your RPG, and you're not bound to the BZPRPG rules. Just the RPG Forum Rules. Most are followed anyways regarding gameplay and stuff, but as far as character creation goes...

 

Why have the Atavisikissiisis (spelling?) there at all?

 

Then they're hardly Kanohi at that point. It just detracts from the mystical sense that makes the mask special when they're usable by anyone.

 

Sending a bunch of people into space to fight is pretty freaking crazy, and the guy whose general commanded him to do that is one sorry fellow.

 

Makes more sense.

 

Clarification - give us a description of the planets, and have the Google Doc you linked be a way to show us the details. Leave something in the locations section.

 

More species? We do not need more species. The crossbreeds thing is like a 3rd Edition D&D sourcebook.

 

I should clarify - the lists. Where all the powers that are allowed are listed. Like elements, masks, etc.

 

The people of Spherus Magna showing up would be a bit expected, but still pretty awesome.

 

And you're right - Bionicle characters are already humanized enough. What irritates me is when people try to add all sorts of humanized traits such as actual families and children to the characters (Matoran Universe ones, that is, not the Natives). I figure that female Toa and the like would probably have a more feminized structure, because it actually does make some sense for the Great Beings to have done so. But that's pretty much as far as that goes. Adding children and crossbreeds and stuff just opens up new doors for lazy writers.

 

Well you could always just change that. Certainly makes more sense the way I described than... implanted.... uhhg...

 

The Element Lords were already the leaders and champions of their tribes, and I imagine had an almost deific status. Gaining new powers just was another way to show it. The Toa and the like are quite a different in that respect. But that still goes along with my point - they seemed different. The Toa, the Matoran, all of them would seem different.

 

The RPG may be what players make it, but just leave some kind of focus there. I can only think of one true sandbox RPG without lots of things to do but no set goal in recent history, and...

 

Anyways, good luck to you as well.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#21 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 06:39 PM

As far as what's oppressive and racist... you do realize that if you asked most people on the street what they thought of population control they wouldn't exactly be keen on siding with it. These are a bunch of people who are forced to give up their own personal happiness or any hope of success just to keep this one city that apparently has no technological drive to progress further than it is now operating, while one guy is in charge of it all. They get protection from the mutants and some food, and in return they do as they're told and work. There's a saying that goes, "Those who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." And right now you've got a city full of people doing just that, and I'm sure there's plenty who are less than pleased with how things are. There would be plenty of people who want a new city where people are free to work how they want, when they want, and make their own rewards, and actually attempt to move the city further in progress towards finding a way to survive and make do with how the planet has become.

The gladiator match is only for new citizens. I should probably add in more stuff about the government, because Light Teridax being a supreme dictator is not what I had in mind, so if people think that, it needs to change.


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#22 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 07:14 PM

[font="'Trebuchet MS';"]The gladiator match is only for new citizens. I should probably add in more stuff about the government, because Light Teridax being a supreme dictator is not what I had in mind, so if people think that, it needs to change.[/font]

 

There's also leaving a possible plot point and option for what to do in playing the RPG...

 

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#23 Offline ToaOfAwesome

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 09:59 PM

"If your mouse is being funky, I would suggest Ctrl+A, Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V. Select all, copy, paste. Every few moments while I type on BZP I hit Ctrl+A and Ctrl+C to copy it, so I can paste it later. Even when your mouse is being stupid, I usually find the hotkeys work."

 

What's wrong isn't the mouse, but I rebooted the computer and it's fine now.

 

 

 

 

 

"... implanted with the technology to do so? What kind of creepy sci-fi stories have you been reading, child?"

 

Only the creepiest... naw I'm kidding, I only did that back when I was five :P. OKAY. Implanted sounded very VERY weird... real sorry about that. I actually made this long extensive note thing about how it works that I made for the description, but it was too long. That said, it is also written by hand, so if you are actually interested I'll get started typing it up (and no, it is not at all gross or anything, don't worry).

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's your RPG, and you're not bound to the BZPRPG rules. Just the RPG Forum Rules. Most are followed anyways regarding gameplay and stuff, but as far as character creation goes..."

 

"Why have the Atavisikissiisis (spelling?) there at all?"

 

The word is "atavistic". (Good one, by the way.) Atavism is actually a real birth defect, however it's kind of like partial-backwards-sometimes-good-sometimes-bad-evolution-thingy, so it is plausible not only that a Vorox/Zesk (who was mutated in a lab, anyway) would have it, but that people aiming to start colonies would try best to get specimens. They're more there to help the plot, but as there is no reason for them to be unplayable,  allow them.

 

 

 

 

 

"Then they're hardly Kanohi at that point. It just detracts from the mystical sense that makes the mask special when they're usable by anyone."

 

I never saw Kanohi as mystical, more as like a powerful side-weapon or ability (and, of course, a face) used by a manmade species unlike ours own.

 

 

 

 

 

"Sending a bunch of people into space to fight is pretty freaking crazy, and the guy whose general commanded him to do that is one sorry fellow."

 

You know, he must have been. When I was writing it, I thought it would be so cool to imagine this scene:

You're in an airlock with a squad of troops, weapons in hand, facing the doorway. An alarm blares, the captain gives a final order, and hisssss, the airlock opens and you are sent flying into a three-dimensional zero-gravity battlefield with ships flying through it and fighting eachother.

Implausible? Indisputably. Impossible? Perhaps. Awesome? Uh... yeah...

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Clarification - give us a description of the planets, and have the Google Doc you linked be a way to show us the details. Leave something in the locations section."

 
OH! Pkay, I'll see 'bout that.
 
 
 
 
 
"More species? We do not need more species. The crossbreeds thing is like a 3rd Edition D&D sourcebook."
 
Well... you're right. I just really like the idea of crossbreeds, because it puts a new perspective of things. Besides, what harm could come from... extras? (Okay, maybe that's not EXACTLY what Roodaka said...)
 
 
 
 
 

"I should clarify - the lists. Where all the powers that are allowed are listed. Like elements, masks, etc."

 

Oh, okay. Well, I just think it would be easier to put what you can use, they're kind of universal, but it just clears things up (for me at least). Also, I'd assume people new to Bionicle RPGs would like to have that cleared up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The people of Spherus Magna showing up would be a bit expected, but still pretty awesome."

 
Heck yeah, what if they came there right as the Faction Wars suddenly got so intense that everybody was starting to die out. Here are the survivors thinking that life is over, and here are the Spherus Magnans thinking WOW! These guys just cannot die! Imagine playing an RPG like that from the Spherus Magnans' point of view.
 
 
 
 
 
"And you're right - Bionicle characters are already humanized enough. What irritates me is when people try to add all sorts of humanized traits such as actual families and children to the characters (Matoran Universe ones, that is, not the Natives). I figure that female Toa and the like would probably have a more feminized structure, because it actually does make some sense for the Great Beings to have done so. But that's pretty much as far as that goes. Adding children and crossbreeds and stuff just opens up new doors for lazy writers."
 
Then let them write as lazily as they want, as long as it doesn't affect anyone else, it's their problem. As for us "not-as-lazy-writers-as-the-lazy-writers", we can use things like crossbreeds or siblings or whatever to our advantage.
 
 
 
 
 
"The Element Lords were already the leaders and champions of their tribes, and I imagine had an almost deific status. Gaining new powers just was another way to show it. The Toa and the like are quite a different in that respect. But that still goes along with my point - they seemed different. The Toa, the Matoran, all of them would seem different."
 
Well, you still must remember that, along with my previous explanation, these people were trying so hard to adapt into a world that they barely knew about that their sheer need to work together to survive plowed discrimination down. (Except later, when the superstitious bigoted upper class of a moon or two decided to hate crossbreeds and therefore formed the Purebred Faction.) Then came the Faction Wars, when everybody needed these powerful people in order to fight back.
 
 
 
 
 

"The RPG may be what players make it, but just leave some kind of focus there. I can only think of one true sandbox RPG without lots of things to do but no set goal in recent history, and..."

 

You know, I guess that's true. I'll have to think about what to make that be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Anyways, good luck to you as well."

 

Thank you, and may the odds be ever in your-- no... oh yeah, may the force be--no, not that either... how about live long and--NO! Man, Bionicle needs some sort of good luck slogan like everybody else does.


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#24 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 10:38 PM

The word is "atavistic". (Good one, by the way.) Atavism is actually a real birth defect, however it's kind of like partial-backwards-sometimes-good-sometimes-bad-evolution-thingy, so it is plausible not only that a Vorox/Zesk (who was mutated in a lab, anyway) would have it, but that people aiming to start colonies would try best to get specimens. They're more there to help the plot, but as there is no reason for them to be unplayable,  allow them.

 

Why not leave having a messed up gene pools to the individual characters themselves when the players are making them?

 

I never saw Kanohi as mystical, more as like a powerful side-weapon or ability (and, of course, a face) used by a manmade species unlike ours own.

 

I guess it's got to do with the time period you enter into Bionicle. I joined in 2004, where one of the major plots to the story was the Toa Metru trying to gain the inner focus they needed - either through self discovery or the help of Lhikan - to use their Kanohi masks. And a mask - the mask of time - was another main plot point. And even before that, my real introduction to Bionicle (other than a few I bought because they looked cool) was Mask of Light. Where a magical Kanohi mask was the center of the plot. And heck, it only took two years to get the Mask of Life added to the list of MacGuffins.

 

So as you can figure, I see magic masks. Admittedly, though, doing this RPing stuff for so long, just for the sake of time constraints, it leads one to forget just how important something like that really is.

 

You know, he must have been. When I was writing it, I thought it would be so cool to imagine this scene:

You're in an airlock with a squad of troops, weapons in hand, facing the doorway. An alarm blares, the captain gives a final order, and hisssss, the airlock opens and you are sent flying into a three-dimensional zero-gravity battlefield with ships flying through it and fighting eachother.

Implausible? Indisputably. Impossible? Perhaps. Awesome? Uh... yeah...

 

The only time I remember ever seeing anything like that was in Star Wars: The Clone Wars. And I don't mean that terrible show they run on Cartoon Network now, I mean the original one they ran up until the release of Revenge of the Sith (which was about seven times better than that movie) directly after the timeslot for Transformers Armada. And that was with a bunch of Clones clad in full body armor. Having a full body suit makes a lot more sense. It also provides feasible protection from all sorts of radiation and particles and lord knows what else that's in space.

 

Well... you're right. I just really like the idea of crossbreeds, because it puts a new perspective of things. Besides, what harm could come from... extras? (Okay, maybe that's not EXACTLY what Roodaka said...)

 

The Phantom Menace. In all seriousness, it just seems like overcomplicating things. Having the whole inter-tribal thing be the source of crossbreeding stuff would do a lot less to break canon, and provides a less alien way of presenting a theme to the RPG.

 

Oh, okay. Well, I just think it would be easier to put what you can use, they're kind of universal, but it just clears things up (for me at least). Also, I'd assume people new to Bionicle RPGs would like to have that cleared up.

 

Perhaps. But you can always just leave a list of things you definitely do not want. Even then, a rule of 'not too powerful' works fine. If someone tries to convince you to let them have a Toa of Time using an Olmak you just laugh at them in the face and say, "In your dreams." I really didn't leave much in terms of listings of anything with Waves, and saw a few new players in those two months. The only errors I ever had were with the biography, profile length, or just writing that was hard to understand. But people learn quickly, as I've observed.

 

Then let them write as lazily as they want, as long as it doesn't affect anyone else, it's their problem. As for us "not-as-lazy-writers-as-the-lazy-writers", we can use things like crossbreeds or siblings or whatever to our advantage.

 

You say some truth, but I'm still never going to really accept a crossbreed between two beings with eighty percent metal for their bodies. How would the unholy abomination of a child grow with a structure like that? It just doesn't work. Unless Matoran actually add stuff on like one of these things.

 

Well, you still must remember that, along with my previous explanation, these people were trying so hard to adapt into a world that they barely knew about that their sheer need to work together to survive plowed discrimination down. (Except later, when the superstitious bigoted upper class of a moon or two decided to hate crossbreeds and therefore formed the Purebred Faction.) Then came the Faction Wars, when everybody needed these powerful people in order to fight back.

 

Perhaps.

Thank you, and may the odds be ever in your-- no... oh yeah, may the force be--no, not that either... how about live long and--NO! Man, Bionicle needs some sort of good luck slogan like everybody else does.

 

Unity. Duty. Destiny.

 

Not really...

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#25 Offline ToaOfAwesome

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 11:27 PM

Sorry, TLV, not enough time to respond fully at the moment, but it caught my eye when you asked about how the metal in the new life form would come to be. I actually explained them in the notes I mentioned, and I'm starting to think more and more that I should type up those notes. You okay with that?


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#26 Offline @Maidan

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 12:53 AM

Using my phone again, hence the lack of font. Yes, the Hunt can use glyphs.
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#27 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 01:25 AM

Sorry, TLV, not enough time to respond fully at the moment, but it caught my eye when you asked about how the metal in the new life form would come to be. I actually explained them in the notes I mentioned, and I'm starting to think more and more that I should type up those notes. You okay with that?

 

Sure.

 

Luckily, I never sleep. [/blatantlies]

 

Using my phone again, hence the lack of font. Yes, the Hunt can use glyphs.

 

Is there enough mystical 'Hunt' based power to use glowing blue flames to sear them into the wall? :P

 

Thanks, though. That clarifies the last few things I needed to know...

 

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#28 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 02:10 AM

A few comments on We Live. For Now, by Canis Lupus. So it's a post-apocalyptic, survival RPG. Those are fairly common, but each has something unique in the adversaries, the time period and the type of disaster. First off, wow, that must have been one huge spaceship. Our best guess at the size of asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs is about 10km across. Since Spherus Magna is many times the size of earth, that must truly have been one giant spaceship. The question of why it was a spaceship is interesting too. Just having a rock hit the planet could do the same thing, but no. I guess that whoever or whatever was on that ship will be important. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]Looks like you read the Construction and Design Forum. Anyways, the spaceship was driven by a GB. The GBs made the Matoran Universe, so I think it's possible they could make a ship this big.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]The Great Beings did this?! Really, with how many of their creations went wrong, they're worse than Spiriah and messing things up. "Great Beings" should be the new word for "failure on an epic scale".[/color] Why has New Atero banned everyone except Matoran, Agori, Turaga and Makuta? In such desperate times, wuldn't they want some of the more powerful species around to help them out? Surely the extra food that could be grown by a toa of plantlife or the clean water proveded by a toa of water is more than worth the extra they consume? Other powers could be useful too to defend the city from mutants and keep order among the inhabitants. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]You are very right in this. I have decided to add Rahkshi, which would increase their security tenfold.[/color]

 

So will Rahkshi be a playable race now? But really, why hold it back to just Rahkshi? As Levacius said, Vortixx are amazing with technology, and they could put that skill to good use in the city. Toa elemental powers are useful for more than just standing guard - they can create weapons, food, water and amny other useful things.  If the Makuta are serious about seeing out the disaster and doing what's best for their citizens, they should take on citizens according to what they have to offer, not their species. IF what they can contribute to Atero Nui's survival is greater than the cost of letting them in, they should be let in. Another question is why they would hold those deathmatches to get in. Sure, they need to limit their population size, but is that really the best way to do it? It means that those who do get in will likely be severely wounded and unable to do all that hard work. Aside from that, it's downright horrifying, forcing refugees to kill each other for the chance to get a tiny bit of food. This is supposed to be the good version of Teridax, and I'm not sure the evil one was that bad. Desperate times, desperate measures I get, but there has to be a better way to select a few to take in that wouldn't make Light Teridax the main villain in any other RPG on this forum. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]I'll probably just change this to non-lethal gladiator matches. The city wants the best warriors to defend the city. The real purpose of this was to just give players something to do, anyways/[/color]

 

If you just want something for players to do,  The question that goes begging with the Crusaders of the Lost Mask is: why was the mask ever lost in the forst place? Surely such and important object would be treasured and kept safe by the people of Spherus Magna, not ignored until everyone forgot where they put it. Whoever was in charge of that has some serious explaining to do. Another question is, why hasn't Mata Nui/the Ignika already noticed that the planet is not as it should be and acting on their own to restore it. They've done it before, so why not now? [color=rgb(218,165,32);]This is a big plot hole that I will try to patch- The Mask is not a full power. Mata Nui left the main areas of SM to find evidence of the GBs and recharge the masks energies. Also, Mata Nui has already forgotten about the entire Matoran Universe before, so it wouldn'y be a stretch to say that he is really distracted right now.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]None of that explains how the mask was lost in the first place. And wasn't all of Mata Nui's character development in 2009 (and some of the ignika's in 2008) about learning the value of friendship, and (for Mata Nui) looking out for his underlings rather than ignoring them until something goes horribly wrong?[/color] If the mutants are no longer sentient, that might make playing them a little difficult, since they wouldn't be able to think and percieve things for themselves. Having their desires changed I can understand, or even partial mind control by whatever mutagen changed them in the first place. Memory wipes followed by strong animalistic instincts would at least allow mutant characters to have a bit of personality and make playing them interesting. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]Just because they aren't sentient doesn't mean they don't have personality- they're beasts. Animals can have personalities too. I will change it so they have some very basic intelligence.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Definitions - sentient and sapient. I think you have the two confused. Most animals are sentient, but sapience is a much more human quality.[/color] So why haven't the surviviors got together and stormed Atero Nui to take its resources? If the place is only defended by one Makuta and a bunch of powerless Matoran and Agori, that city should the the biggest, fattest, sitting duck on the planet. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]First off, two Makuta, both Miserix and Light Teridax. For why they haven't been stormed, these Matoran and Agori are the best fighters on the planet, and they will have Rahkshi once I edit my post.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Ah, so Miserix is in the city too. You mentioned he was alive, but not where he was.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]And everyone else has all the other species from the universe, every one of them more powerful than Matoran and Agori. They'll all be pretty peeved that the leaders of Atero Nui are too racist to let them in and share resources.[/color] If the world of the survivors is so dog-eat-dog and brutal, how do the traders stay in business? If they have goods above what they themselves need to survive, that makes them a target for militias, robbers, thugs and everyone else who wants what they've got. They won't barter - they'll mug the guy and take his stuff. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]They sell weapons too. Look at it this way- You are about to die of starvation. Your only weapon is a Cordak Blaster. How effective is a rocket launcher in hunting? You will trade that for some food immediatly. That trader now has a great weapon.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I am about to die of starvation. Another guy has food and I have a cordak blaster. I do not trade. I blow the guy to small smithereens with my blaster and take his food. Problem solved.[/color] I'm a sucker for interesting, well-created locations, so having this section in only one paragraph disappoints me. Still, I suppose there's not a lot to say about a blasted, featureless landscape full of dry dust and withered plants, so the lack of description can be forgiven in this case.When you say the Black Rock Mountains, I assume you mean the Black Spikes? And just to point out, a lot of those were crushed when the Great Spirit robot fell on top of them. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]With the Locations, that is what the first sentence means- the landscape is the same, wherever you go. As for the Black Rock/Spike Mountains, oops.[/color] True, the plot is very thin. Some might say too thin, but I do like a good sandbox, especially when there's lots of sand around. Just be careful that there isn't so little direction for players to follow that they don't do anything significant and the RPG fizzles. The rules seem fairly standard apart from #6. No custom powers is a biggie. A lot of players really like coming up with their own (BIONICLE-style) powers and using them in games. It's one of the things that can make characters unique and interesting. Also, what difference is there, really, between a toa wearing a custom mask and a Skakdi whose custom power does the same thing? One is allowed, one isn't, but they amount to the same thing. Be careful when approving custom powers, absolutely, but outlawing them completely removes an element of creativity and imagination from the game. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]Skakdi can have custom powers- that is the nature of their third power. You can't have new elements, or stuff like that.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Allright, that sounds much more resonable. I suggest you reword that rule then to make it clear what you mean.[/color] The same goes for cutting down the species. What is wrong with someone playing one of Tobduk's species or a Vortixx? Some are overpowered and shouldn't be allowed, I agree, but it is normally better to list the ones that aren't allowed rather than those that are (or even decide on a case-by-case basis when approving profiles).[color=rgb(218,165,32);] Really with most of these species, we know to little about them for me to want to make them playable. With most species that aren't playable, the only members that we know a lot about were Dark Hunters or members of Order. Both of these organizations altered their members to give them extra powers and abilities. I will make Vortixx playable though.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Actually, the only Dark Hunter I can think of who had his powers majorly tampered with by the DH's is Spinner, who was originally a toa. The rest were often mutants, but that was done by the Brotherhood (Minion, Voporak) or freak accidents (Subterranean, Prototype). The powers of the ones we know about are largely their own. That's not really the point here though.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]For most of those species, we know what their appearance and powers are like, so, (as long as they're not overpowered), that is enough to build a character around. Often we even know where their homeland was in the MU. Even if some of the powers from the ones we know about did come from alteration rather than species traits, why does that matter? If it isn't stated in canon (which it isn't), we can choose the interpretation that best fits our stories. Just like you decided that melding Makuta had the power of prediction, what is there to stop someone else arbitrarily deciding that all of Tobduk's species gained strength from feelings just like he did? Nothing, if it makes for a good story.[/color] In all, this is actually a pretty good, game, but it needs some more explanation/thinking on some of the plot elements that currently don't make much sense. The premise is good, but the execution needs a little work. Good luck in the contest.

 


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#29 Offline ToaOfAwesome

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 01:22 PM

Alright, TLV, here goes, along with a full review...

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why not leave having a messed up gene pools to the individual characters themselves when the players are making them?"

 
Alright, I guess I could do that.
 
 
 
 
 

"I guess it's got to do with the time period you enter into Bionicle. I joined in 2004, where one of the major plots to the story was the Toa Metru trying to gain the inner focus they needed - either through self discovery or the help of Lhikan - to use their Kanohi masks. And a mask - the mask of time - was another main plot point. And even before that, my real introduction to Bionicle (other than a few I bought because they looked cool) was Mask of Light. Where a magical Kanohi mask was the center of the plot. And heck, it only took two years to get the Mask of Life added to the list of MacGuffins."

 

"So as you can figure, I see magic masks. Admittedly, though, doing this RPing stuff for so long, just for the sake of time constraints, it leads one to forget just how important something like that really is."

 

Ironically, I entered when the Hordika were out and there weren't any Kanohi. :P Fortunately, that hasn't effected how I view Kanohi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The only time I remember ever seeing anything like that was in Star Wars: The Clone Wars. And I don't mean that terrible show they run on Cartoon Network now, I mean the original one they ran up until the release of Revenge of the Sith (which was about seven times better than that movie) directly after the timeslot for Transformers Armada. And that was with a bunch of Clones clad in full body armor. Having a full body suit makes a lot more sense. It also provides feasible protection from all sorts of radiation and particles and lord knows what else that's in space."

 
I've been contemplating that, and I think it'll work, especially if I did a variety of these suits like a standard kind, a stealth kind, a heavy kind, etc.
 
 
 
 
 

"Perhaps. But you can always just leave a list of things you definitely do not want. Even then, a rule of 'not too powerful' works fine. If someone tries to convince you to let them have a Toa of Time using an Olmak you just laugh at them in the face and say, "In your dreams." I really didn't leave much in terms of listings of anything with Waves, and saw a few new players in those two months. The only errors I ever had were with the biography, profile length, or just writing that was hard to understand. But people learn quickly, as I've observed."

 

Hmmm... thanks, that's good to know, I'll take that into account.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, here comes the stuff I told you I'd type up. It was in the form of a FAQ, so I just left it that way. I also included a couple of other things that looked important.

 

 

 

[color=#0000ff;]Q: How are the survivors able to crossbreed or even reproduce in the first place?[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]A: The ship the survivors were on was a colonizing ship. Therefore, they were meant to establish a long-term—if not permanent—colony there. Bionicles live a long time, but not forever, so the survivors were genetically altered to be able to reproduce. This is how it works:[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]The survivors’ heartlights (since it is a trait all Bionicle species have, allowing efficiency in creating this alteration) were changed so that they could transmit signals sent from the body. These signals are, in fact, codes representing DNA. The female’s heartlight registers the code and sends it to a manmade benign tumor within the body. This tumor’s cells mix the DNA they received with the female’s DNA already within them. These cells are then “activated,” dispersing the tumor (a new one then grows in its place) and getting started on creating the new life form.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]Since Bionicles are biomechanical, the developing being must get metal from a foreign object. This “foreign object” is liquid protodermis, which is chemically sorted out from the mother’s food. Special cells called “proto frames” create the general shape of the child’s mechanical parts and attract the liquid protodermis. They then harden the liquid protodermis into solid protodermis and escape to form more organic parts. This creates most of the mechanical parts, but not all, so the child will get the rest of these mechanical parts after they are born by being fed liquid protodermis.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]Anyway, when the being is fully developed it breaks its mechanical parts up, is released from the mother’s body, and is quickly reassembled (it doesn’t look anywhere near as bizarre or freaky as one may imagine it).[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]The cool thing is that, if this were actually a canon line of sets, the assembly after birth could be used to implement the construction of the actual Lego sets into the story, like when the requirement to build the Toa Mata was explained by them having “decomposed”.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]Crossbreeding would be both possible and plausible because the hormones in the technology attract to whoever has the technology within them, not any specific species.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]The end. I have just given you “the talk”… Bionicle-style.[/color]

 

 

 

[color=#0000ff;]Q: How did the Avsa Faction get all cannibal-ey, and how are they surviving in their ships?[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]A: Nobody really knows how the Avsa got like they are today, but many presume that it happened during the war they were having with Purebreds preceding the Avsa Incident. However, nobody knows just what it was that did this.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]As for how they live in their ships, once again nobody really knows, but many theorize that they have found a way to harvest animals and beings from ships and planets from very far away. These theories are supported partly by the strange discoveries of completely abandoned ships called “ghost ships” floating in space that have no sign of a fight.[/color]

 

 

 

[color=#0000ff;]Q: What did the Factions start warring over anyway?[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]A: The Factions (which back then were the Avsa, Mangai, Cordak, and Purebred Factions) had radically different beliefs, some of which warranted certain Factions fighting about them.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]The Purebred Faction sprang from bigoted and superstitious landowners, businessmen, politicians, etc. from the richer colonized moons.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]The Cordak Faction started out as the largest of many brilliant communities of engineers, but tragically became obsessed war machines and started selling them.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]The Mangai believed in honor and virtue, embracing values similar to that of the Toa.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]The Avsa actually used to be a lot like the Mangai, and the two were usually allies. They were at times called “The Brother Factions”. Strangely, the Avsa inexplicably started to grow unethical, and their friendship with the Mangai became more and more strained until suddenly the Avsa Incident took place.[/color]

 

[color=#ff0000;]All these disagreements, and then the eventual emergence of the Hordika Faction, led to and perpetuated the Faction Wars.[/color]

 

 

 

 

How was that?


Edited by ToaOfAwesome, Mar 12 2013 - 01:31 PM.

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#30 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 05:39 PM

Ironically, I entered when the Hordika were out and there weren't any Kanohi. :P Fortunately, that hasn't effected how I view Kanohi.

 

2005 was probably the strangest year for Bionicle from 2001-2011 with just much was different about it, from the story to the sets.

 

Okay, so let me examine your FAQ parts. The biggest error in what's provided here is a case of whaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttt! At least taking Health class makes sense from a biological standpoint. But this just doesn't really work. First of all, do you know what kind of process it would take to... how to put it delicately... carve out an entire section of a creatures body to create the 'assembly station' that you've created. Considering how delicate the systems in a body are, it wouldn't work adding something like that.

 

Plus, DNA doesn't work like that. It also doesn't just 'mix' by being transmitted as signals for that matter. You have to actually have two organic cells with the chromosomes contained in them at the start. In this case it's a haploid set, if I remember correctly. It's not just DNA, DNA, baby, boom. That's not how biology works.

 

And even then, you can't just combine DNA together like that. The fact they can physically heal means that sure, DNA would need to be present in MU beings what with mitosis to replicate lost cells, but look at how different they are. There's definitely going to be different chromosome counts and all sorts of other problems, which means the DNA can't mix. No crossbreeds.

 

And then there comes another problem. Liquid protodermis becoming solid protodermis, sure. The problem is where do you get the liquid protodermis? It's not exactly a common substance. It only existed within the Matoran Universe as a modified form of energized protodermis due to the Great Beings tampering with it to make it stable.

 

And from there comes the complexities of growing up. I have no freaking clue how a biomechanical creature is supposed to 'grow up' physically.

 

Honestly, the fallacy is that there's no reason for Bionicle characters to reproduce. It's a foreign concept that they've gone a thousand centuries without. They just live together in unity, perform their duty, and eventually die when their destiny is at an end. The continuation of the race doesn't seem like that big of a deal. And even then, they pretty much seem effectively immortal from a physical standpoint; I wouldn't be surprised if, eventually, all organic protodermis eventually evolved like the antidermis did and took on a gaseous state (writing that down for an RPG...) the way the Makuta did. The Glatorian, Agori, and the like would need to do so. But they already can.

 

Avsa stuff I never really had a problem with. Miranda.

 

So, moving on to the factions war... turns out the dirty halfbreeds were responsible for it. Makes sense.

 

That's my commentary.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#31 Offline ToaOfAwesome

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 06:02 PM

You know, as much of a plothole as much of the reproduction thing is, I'd rather not dwell on it more than I have, so I think I'll just leave that as it is...

 

Also, the protodermis thing I forgot to explain. The main computer taught them how to make it chemically in a very simple form, as it was vital to reproduction.


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#32 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 06:13 PM

Why has New Atero banned everyone except Matoran, Agori, Turaga and Makuta? In such desperate times, wuldn't they want some of the more powerful species around to help them out? Surely the extra food that could be grown by a toa of plantlife or the clean water proveded by a toa of water is more than worth the extra they consume? Other powers could be useful too to defend the city from mutants and keep order among the inhabitants. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]You are very right in this. I have decided to add Rahkshi, which would increase their security tenfold.[/color]

 

So will Rahkshi be a playable race now? But really, why hold it back to just Rahkshi? As Levacius said, Vortixx are amazing with technology, and they could put that skill to good use in the city. Toa elemental powers are useful for more than just standing guard - they can create weapons, food, water and amny other useful things.  If the Makuta are serious about seeing out the disaster and doing what's best for their citizens, they should take on citizens according to what they have to offer, not their species. IF what they can contribute to Atero Nui's survival is greater than the cost of letting them in, they should be let in.

So, with everyone in disapproval about the population regulations, this is what I will change it to: In order to live in the city, you must be able to produce 1.5 times your food consumption. You may do so in many ways, like Vortixx making energy dispensers for MU inhabitants. Rahkshi won't be playable, just in the background.

 

The question that goes begging with the Crusaders of the Lost Mask is: why was the mask ever lost in the forst place? Surely such and important object would be treasured and kept safe by the people of Spherus Magna, not ignored until everyone forgot where they put it. Whoever was in charge of that has some serious explaining to do. Another question is, why hasn't Mata Nui/the Ignika already noticed that the planet is not as it should be and acting on their own to restore it. They've done it before, so why not now? [color=rgb(218,165,32);]This is a big plot hole that I will try to patch- The Mask is not a full power. Mata Nui left the main areas of SM to find evidence of the GBs and recharge the masks energies. Also, Mata Nui has already forgotten about the entire Matoran Universe before, so it wouldn'y be a stretch to say that he is really distracted right now.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]None of that explains how the mask was lost in the first place. And wasn't all of Mata Nui's character development in 2009 (and some of the ignika's in 2008) about learning the value of friendship, and (for Mata Nui) looking out for his underlings rather than ignoring them until something goes horribly wrong?[/color]

It was, but I want to keep the Crusaders. The Mask can undo all of the damage from The Crash, so I need to have a reason why it is not around and able to do so.

 

If the mutants are no longer sentient, that might make playing them a little difficult, since they wouldn't be able to think and percieve things for themselves. Having their desires changed I can understand, or even partial mind control by whatever mutagen changed them in the first place. Memory wipes followed by strong animalistic instincts would at least allow mutant characters to have a bit of personality and make playing them interesting. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]Just because they aren't sentient doesn't mean they don't have personality- they're beasts. Animals can have personalities too. I will change it so they have some very basic intelligence.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Definitions - sentient and sapient. I think you have the two confused. Most animals are sentient, but sapience is a much more human quality.[/color]

Okay, I meant sapient.

 

So why haven't the surviviors got together and stormed Atero Nui to take its resources? If the place is only defended by one Makuta and a bunch of powerless Matoran and Agori, that city should the the biggest, fattest, sitting duck on the planet. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]First off, two Makuta, both Miserix and Light Teridax. For why they haven't been stormed, these Matoran and Agori are the best fighters on the planet, and they will have Rahkshi once I edit my post.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Ah, so Miserix is in the city too. You mentioned he was alive, but not where he was.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]And everyone else has all the other species from the universe, every one of them more powerful than Matoran and Agori. They'll all be pretty peeved that the leaders of Atero Nui are too racist to let them in and share resources.[/color]

I meant to say that he lived in the city. And the second part will change very shortly.

 

If the world of the survivors is so dog-eat-dog and brutal, how do the traders stay in business? If they have goods above what they themselves need to survive, that makes them a target for militias, robbers, thugs and everyone else who wants what they've got. They won't barter - they'll mug the guy and take his stuff. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]They sell weapons too. Look at it this way- You are about to die of starvation. Your only weapon is a Cordak Blaster. How effective is a rocket launcher in hunting? You will trade that for some food immediatly. That trader now has a great weapon.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I am about to die of starvation. Another guy has food and I have a cordak blaster. I do not trade. I blow the guy to small smithereens with my blaster and take his food. Problem solved.[/color]

Traders are a too broken to be fixed. I will remove them from the game entirely.

 

The same goes for cutting down the species. What is wrong with someone playing one of Tobduk's species or a Vortixx? Some are overpowered and shouldn't be allowed, I agree, but it is normally better to list the ones that aren't allowed rather than those that are (or even decide on a case-by-case basis when approving profiles).[color=rgb(218,165,32);] Really with most of these species, we know to little about them for me to want to make them playable. With most species that aren't playable, the only members that we know a lot about were Dark Hunters or members of Order. Both of these organizations altered their members to give them extra powers and abilities. I will make Vortixx playable though.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Actually, the only Dark Hunter I can think of who had his powers majorly tampered with by the DH's is Spinner, who was originally a toa. The rest were often mutants, but that was done by the Brotherhood (Minion, Voporak) or freak accidents (Subterranean, Prototype). The powers of the ones we know about are largely their own. That's not really the point here though.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]For most of those species, we know what their appearance and powers are like, so, (as long as they're not overpowered), that is enough to build a character around. Often we even know where their homeland was in the MU. Even if some of the powers from the ones we know about did come from alteration rather than species traits, why does that matter? If it isn't stated in canon (which it isn't), we can choose the interpretation that best fits our stories. Just like you decided that melding Makuta had the power of prediction, what is there to stop someone else arbitrarily deciding that all of Tobduk's species gained strength from feelings just like he did? Nothing, if it makes for a good story.[/color]

Lurker was given a list of possible enhancements. I will do your suggestion of just saying what species you can't play as.


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#33 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 06:30 PM

@ Toa of Awesome;

 

The reproduction thing is just unnecessary and makes things way more confusing than they need to be when there is already so much to do in the RPG, and there's plenty of other excuses for the Purebred/Hordika thing. Tribal crossbreeds were my suggestion, but I'm sure you could think of more.

 

How are you supposed to make any kind of protodermis like that? Unless the Matoran have reached Great Being levels of technological understanding, then I doubt they'd even have an idea of how to do something like that. The fact is, protodermis in all forms is a stable form of energized protodermis, which is definitely the least explainable thing in BIONICLE, and carries with it the greatest mysteries. You wouldn't be able to just make more of it.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#34 Offline ToaOfAwesome

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 06:39 PM

"How are you supposed to make any kind of protodermis like that? Unless the Matoran have reached Great Being levels of technological understanding, then I doubt they'd even have an idea of how to do something like that. The fact is, protodermis in all forms is a stable form of energized protodermis, which is definitely the least explainable thing in BIONICLE, and carries with it the greatest mysteries. You wouldn't be able to just make more of it."

 

Actually, that's the thing, we don't know what the technological level of the Spherus Magnans was when they started colonizing. 

EDIT: Also, I think I'll keep the crossbreeds anyway. They may be a huge problem, but it would be much more trouble than it's worth to fix everything. Plus, I want to see how others react to crossbreeds before I do anything too big. No offense, I just can't make a major change based on one guy's opinion.


Edited by ToaOfAwesome, Mar 12 2013 - 06:42 PM.

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#35 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 07:02 PM

Why has New Atero banned everyone except Matoran, Agori, Turaga and Makuta? In such desperate times, wuldn't they want some of the more powerful species around to help them out? Surely the extra food that could be grown by a toa of plantlife or the clean water proveded by a toa of water is more than worth the extra they consume? Other powers could be useful too to defend the city from mutants and keep order among the inhabitants. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]You are very right in this. I have decided to add Rahkshi, which would increase their security tenfold.[/color]

 

So will Rahkshi be a playable race now? But really, why hold it back to just Rahkshi? As Levacius said, Vortixx are amazing with technology, and they could put that skill to good use in the city. Toa elemental powers are useful for more than just standing guard - they can create weapons, food, water and amny other useful things.  If the Makuta are serious about seeing out the disaster and doing what's best for their citizens, they should take on citizens according to what they have to offer, not their species. IF what they can contribute to Atero Nui's survival is greater than the cost of letting them in, they should be let in.

So, with everyone in disapproval about the population regulations, this is what I will change it to: In order to live in the city, you must be able to produce 1.5 times your food consumption. You may do so in many ways, like Vortixx making energy dispensers for MU inhabitants. Rahkshi won't be playable, just in the background.

That makes me very happy.

The question that goes begging with the Crusaders of the Lost Mask is: why was the mask ever lost in the forst place? Surely such and important object would be treasured and kept safe by the people of Spherus Magna, not ignored until everyone forgot where they put it. Whoever was in charge of that has some serious explaining to do. Another question is, why hasn't Mata Nui/the Ignika already noticed that the planet is not as it should be and acting on their own to restore it. They've done it before, so why not now? [color=rgb(218,165,32);]This is a big plot hole that I will try to patch- The Mask is not a full power. Mata Nui left the main areas of SM to find evidence of the GBs and recharge the masks energies. Also, Mata Nui has already forgotten about the entire Matoran Universe before, so it wouldn'y be a stretch to say that he is really distracted right now.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]None of that explains how the mask was lost in the first place. And wasn't all of Mata Nui's character development in 2009 (and some of the ignika's in 2008) about learning the value of friendship, and (for Mata Nui) looking out for his underlings rather than ignoring them until something goes horribly wrong?[/color]

It was, but I want to keep the Crusaders. The Mask can undo all of the damage from The Crash, so I need to have a reason why it is not around and able to do so.

Great. So come up with a plausible reason why the mask is not available to be used. So far there isn't much of one, but it should be possible.

One way to do it would be to say that the mask of life's location was where the spaceship hit. It is now out of commission, so the Crusaders are now looking for the Staff of Artakha to recreate and use it.

The staff wasn't nearly so important/reveered, so it could have been lost (or its location kept secret) without all the inhabitants of Spherus Magna suddenly being very negligent. That would also explain why Mata Nui hasn't started healing the world of his own volition: he has no power cos he's posessing a shattered mask.

If the mutants are no longer sentient, that might make playing them a little difficult, since they wouldn't be able to think and percieve things for themselves. Having their desires changed I can understand, or even partial mind control by whatever mutagen changed them in the first place. Memory wipes followed by strong animalistic instincts would at least allow mutant characters to have a bit of personality and make playing them interesting. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]Just because they aren't sentient doesn't mean they don't have personality- they're beasts. Animals can have personalities too. I will change it so they have some very basic intelligence.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Definitions - sentient and sapient. I think you have the two confused. Most animals are sentient, but sapience is a much more human quality.[/color]

Okay, I meant sapient.

Good.

So why haven't the surviviors got together and stormed Atero Nui to take its resources? If the place is only defended by one Makuta and a bunch of powerless Matoran and Agori, that city should the the biggest, fattest, sitting duck on the planet. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]First off, two Makuta, both Miserix and Light Teridax. For why they haven't been stormed, these Matoran and Agori are the best fighters on the planet, and they will have Rahkshi once I edit my post.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Ah, so Miserix is in the city too. You mentioned he was alive, but not where he was.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]And everyone else has all the other species from the universe, every one of them more powerful than Matoran and Agori. They'll all be pretty peeved that the leaders of Atero Nui are too racist to let them in and share resources.[/color]

I meant to say that he lived in the city. And the second part will change very shortly.

Yep.

If the world of the survivors is so dog-eat-dog and brutal, how do the traders stay in business? If they have goods above what they themselves need to survive, that makes them a target for militias, robbers, thugs and everyone else who wants what they've got. They won't barter - they'll mug the guy and take his stuff. [color=rgb(218,165,32);]They sell weapons too. Look at it this way- You are about to die of starvation. Your only weapon is a Cordak Blaster. How effective is a rocket launcher in hunting? You will trade that for some food immediatly. That trader now has a great weapon.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I am about to die of starvation. Another guy has food and I have a cordak blaster. I do not trade. I blow the guy to small smithereens with my blaster and take his food. Problem solved.[/color]

Traders are a too broken to be fixed. I will remove them from the game entirely.

Fair enough.

The same goes for cutting down the species. What is wrong with someone playing one of Tobduk's species or a Vortixx? Some are overpowered and shouldn't be allowed, I agree, but it is normally better to list the ones that aren't allowed rather than those that are (or even decide on a case-by-case basis when approving profiles).[color=rgb(218,165,32);] Really with most of these species, we know to little about them for me to want to make them playable. With most species that aren't playable, the only members that we know a lot about were Dark Hunters or members of Order. Both of these organizations altered their members to give them extra powers and abilities. I will make Vortixx playable though.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Actually, the only Dark Hunter I can think of who had his powers majorly tampered with by the DH's is Spinner, who was originally a toa. The rest were often mutants, but that was done by the Brotherhood (Minion, Voporak) or freak accidents (Subterranean, Prototype). The powers of the ones we know about are largely their own. That's not really the point here though.[/color]

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]For most of those species, we know what their appearance and powers are like, so, (as long as they're not overpowered), that is enough to build a character around. Often we even know where their homeland was in the MU. Even if some of the powers from the ones we know about did come from alteration rather than species traits, why does that matter? If it isn't stated in canon (which it isn't), we can choose the interpretation that best fits our stories. Just like you decided that melding Makuta had the power of prediction, what is there to stop someone else arbitrarily deciding that all of Tobduk's species gained strength from feelings just like he did? Nothing, if it makes for a good story.[/color]

Lurker was given a list of possible enhancements. I will do your suggestion of just saying what species you can't play as.

 

"Lurker hails from a land which did not tolerate his murdering and banished him. Instead of striking back, he joined the Dark Hunters. Lurker was given an option of what improvements he wanted, and instead of devices, he chose stingers, blades, and claws, plus two Kanohi masks on his shoulders to make him look like a winner of a battle."

 

Keyword here is devices. They offered him weapons, technology, implants, that sort of thing. The Dark Hunters weren't ever specialists in mutating stuff. That was the Brotherhood's job.

 

Still, that change is good. Apart from a slight inconsistenc around the Crusaders, I really don't see much in this RPG that needs fixing.


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#36 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 07:16 PM

EDIT: Also, I think I'll keep the crossbreeds anyway. They may be a huge problem, but it would be much more trouble than it's worth to fix everything. Plus, I want to see how others react to crossbreeds before I do anything too big. No offense, I just can't make a major change based on one guy's opinion.

 

And you shouldn't. My complaints hardly hold any water asides from the fact that I like trying to make things logical, if at all possible.

 

You'll probably find me in the minority, at least as far as the reproduction thing goes. Or perhaps not. Previous disagreements have never yielded me much support on that angle. The crossbreeds, I dunno. Ask and find out, I guess.

 

EDIT: Also, as far as technological level, I would say, "Not as high as the Great Beings" is a general rule.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Mar 12 2013 - 07:16 PM.

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#37 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Mar 13 2013 - 12:55 AM

Just one question about Undying (the Wild Hunt in particular).

 

They lost access to their elemental powers, but what about their kanohi powers? I assume they still have access to those (since they weren't mentioned as having been lost), but I just want to be sure. Can they still use them?

And what about members of the Hunt who weren't toa? Did they also lose some powers, but retain the ability to use great kanohi (for species that use them, of course).


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#38 Offline @Maidan

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Posted Mar 13 2013 - 08:15 AM

[color=rgb(178,34,34);]They retain their Kanohi powers, assuming they're Toa; they also retain any non-elemental powers they had while alive.[/color]

[color=rgb(178,34,34);]-Dovydas[/color]


Edited by Eduard Bernstein, Mar 13 2013 - 10:56 AM.

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critical acclaim:

"All I know is I'll be playing it because it's awesome. And that's about all that really matters." - Toa Levacius Zehvor

"Without a doubt, worth every post.

So like three if you're me." - The Doc

"Despite nobody mentioning me specifically at all in their speechy thingy even though I'm a good friend of all three staff members (or so I thought </3), GoMN is still an objectively good game and should be voted for. Alongside Spirits of the Ice, because, well, y'know. #shamless plug" -Kal Grochi

 


#39 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Mar 15 2013 - 03:11 PM

So, here is a review on AfterMath. (I changed the text color back to black to make it easier to read.)

                                                                                        AfterMath

Welcome to Magna Nui, traveler! the city you're currently standing in is Bara-koro, largest and finest city on all of Magna Nui. for those of you who don't know, after Makuta Teridax was defeated at the hands of Mata Nui, the species from the Matoran Universe flooded onto the newly reformed Spherus Magna. the leaders of this new congregation, the Toa Nuva, Ackar, Kiina, Gresh, and Takanuva, decided to name the planet Magna Nui, in honor of both the Matoran universe and Bara Magna. The current sapient species inhabiting this planet are Skrall, Matoran, Agori, Vorox, Glatorian, Toa, Vortixx, Skakdi, and Zesk. Currently, the Skrall, Vorox, Skakdi and the zesk are all in a loose alliance to conquer the planet. Currently, the Toa  Nuva are researching how to bend Energized Protodermis to create what they want, but otherwise the planet is peaceful, save a few raids on outposts. it is required that all sapient species register, so please do before you get arrested. the form is below: [color=#daa520;]This is the plot of the game? Also, the planet already has a name, Spherus Magna. When it was reformed, it was just referred to by it's old name. This new name means 'Great great'. The city is 'desert village.' Not the really the best names? Next, you basically say all members of a couple species are trying to take over the planet, and you don't allow any other species. Where are the locations? You could have a good game here, but you need some more work. A lot more work.[/color]
 
Species:(allowables are Skakdi, Vorox[they have become intelligent], Vortixx, Toa, Matoran, Turaga, Agori, Skrall, or glatorian [color=#daa520;]Vorox have become intelligent? Really, the only way they could be sapient is through a lot of work by some psychics. Bota Magan, are sapient however. Also, no one (and I mean no one), likes it when you limit species unless the situation is like that of say, Transformation, where only having Skakdi is reasonable.[/color]
Physical Description:
gender:
Kanohi: (if applicable)
weapons:
brief history: [color=#daa520;]This really always goes at the end of the profile sheet- it is normally the longest item. [/color]
original location: (Matoran Universe[if so, specify island], Spherus Magna) [color=#daa520;]This is completely unnecessary. It just makes the profile sheet longer.[/color]
personality: (optional) [color=#daa520;]Optional? Really?! Something as unimportant as original location is required, but your personality isn't?[/color]
Job:
Current coin number: [color=#daa520;]You want people to edit their profiles? That is something that no RPG ever does. Sure, I have changed profiles, but that was because of character development.[/color]
Element: (if applicable)
[color=#daa520;]Overall, this is really long. It needs to be shortened. [/color]
 
if you are of able build and required skill, you may participate in the Arena. allowable species able to participate are Toa, Vortixx, or Glatoran. participants will be matched according to species, unless explicitly stated by the participant that they wish to duel another species. the winner of a battle will be determined by the loser, who will shout "I surrender". the winner of the match will recieve 1000 coins, the loser recieves none. [color=#daa520;]First off, this is pretty racist. I can't have a Agori or Matoran match. What does species matter when you are all the same? This is the most detailed part of the game, and it is still barely explained. It's not even important.[/color]
 
I added numbering to the rules so it would look okay.
 
1. all standard BZP rules apply. all BZPRPG rules apply,
2. No God-Modding, etc. [color=#daa520;]Really? The actual rules of the game have been reduced to one rule?[/color]
3. all players start with 50000 coins, which can be used to purchase items. you have to buy every weapon except your starter, which is limited to either a sword or a Thornax launcher. if you gain new equipment, you must update your profile to include it, with [update, X/X/X] then the new equipment. this also applies to coins. [color=#daa520;]I don't think any RPGs have actually had an economy before, and this is pretty broken/weird.  You don't give us a list of weapons, limit the ones we can start with, and make us update our profiles. [/color]
4. if you don't want to fight or not eligible, you are permitted to run a shop, starting with 10 pieces of whatever you wish. you may also have jobs, miner, blacksmith, armor vendor, etc. you can buy new equipment from others, so if you're an armor vendor you can ask a blacksmith to make you more armor, who will in turn ask the miner for materials to make it. the shop owners may set their own price, so long as it's not over the top.  [color=#daa520;]This seems okay, but really? Armor vendors don't even make armor?[/color]

So, it seems the real focus of the game is the arena matches. You ignore the plot of the Skakdi, Skrall, Vorox and Zesk trying to take over the world later on. There is a game being reviewed in OTC called 'Prolieum' that is basically the same as this, just a lot more refined. Finally, while I was reading this, I thought, 'This seems a lot like Technic Coliseum.' Then I saw the whole convoluted money/economy thing and realized that this is just Technic Coliseum in RPG form. You should really have an original idea.


Edited by Canis Lupus, Mar 15 2013 - 03:25 PM.

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I used to have a banner here.

 

But that RPG is dead.

 

What now?


#40 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 15 2013 - 06:29 PM

More reviews!

 

REVIEW FOR - TRANSFORMATION

 

Well, I may have reviewed this RPG multiple times in the past, but hey - you did a review Lorax, so I do a review.

 

Across the Submissions Topic, all was peaceful. RPGs were just reaching the halfway mark for submission. Posters made posts, announcing the arrival of a new contest. Reviews enjoyed making a few reviews. It cold not last, however. The idyllic topic was shattered when a giant freaking Skakdi appeared out of nowhere.

 

So, opening is as it's always been, good, good. Save the huge Skakdi.

 

Alright, let's look at the timeline. Any changes that would be canon breaking? Not really. Moving onto the story, we get the story about what's been happening. And stuff.

 

Factions, fine. Nice and interesting ones. Making player factions. So on, so forth.

 

Just a minor thing that irks me - the way the locations are capitalized. "Te-nari" would look nicer as "Te-Nari", in my opinion; the same applies to the others.

 

The Komau and Mask of Clairvoyance are odd ban choices to me. Of all of the time I've spent on the RPG forum, I don't think I've seen more than one, maybe two characters get mind controlled successfully. There seems to be a general 'players are hard to mind control' vibe (I add mental shields anyways, though, in case a GM gets some ideas...) that goes around. And the Mask of Clairvoyance... just tell them to follow its canon rules. Which means they have no control over the visions. The GM does. They never use it, though.

 

Other than that... eh. No questions or concerns. I like the description and detail put into the environments and the setting as a whole. It keeps true to the stuff we know of in canon - at least as far as these RPGs ever do - but still creates something that feels a little different. All in all, good job, and keep entering this sucker. You gotta win one day.

 

REVIEW FOR - AFTERMATH

 

Hey that's my favorite comedy. You know what isn't a comedy? This font. The sky is not an acceptable reference for text color, as I don't think it's physically possible to read that without straining yours eyes.

 

Incredibly brief backstory that doesn't really say much. For some reason, they renamed the planet. For some reason, characters who were warriors are now acting as the main leaders and diplomats. And why are there only these few species? Where are the others off to? Heck, why are the Vorox and Zesk smart enough to plan with the Skakdi? Is it Malum leading them, or are they the Bota Magna vorox? And apparently there's a planet wide census.

 

There's an arena that isn't mentioned in the backstory that we fight in to get... coins? Really? That we use to buy stuff, according to your rules. Is there a price list somewhere I don't see? How do we buy stuff?

 

Right now, this RPG lacks any real story, any real NPCs, any factions or groups to join, any actual definition to the world, and has bad font color. It just seems a bit thrown together, and quickly so.

 

So what do you do?

 

Start off with a story. What story are you trying to tell.

 

Put together a few NPCs or people in the world. Figure out what factions or groups are in charge, and give definition to them.

 

Describe the world - don't just leave it blank. What's this Spherus Magna like? Where can we go.

 

Expand on the backstory, and tell us more about the setting.

 

Never use that font again in your life.

 

Doing those things would improve the RPG by over 9000.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Mar 15 2013 - 06:29 PM.

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