RPG Forum Contest 24 Reviews

[Black Six]

RPG Forum Text-Based RPG Contest 24 ReviewsYou know the drill. Read the rules here. Submit entries here. Review entries and discuss reviews here.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Forges burn. Check. Weapons are sharp. Check. Captain, everything is in order so far. Webs wind.... wait a minute, captain. Why are there webs in the city? Captain, I think we've got Visorak. What's that, Captain? The city is stretched by many powers. And it's a city of death? Sir, why did you have me check the forges and weapons? I'm getting out of here! What's that, sir? You've sold us out. We're all going to die, sir? Okay. Well sir, I can't leave you my two weeks notice then, sir. Goodbye, sir.

REVIEWING CITY OF THE DEAD

Can't think of anything creative to put here

Okay, the banner tells us where we are, and the introduction already gives you a feeling that something isn't quite right.If the past is white and the present is black, where is grey? Grey obviously can't be the future, since it's in between. And what's the future, then? Mauve? Metru-Nui has fallen, again, because we, and the canon, hate it. Brotherhood being stuck-up and evil, Dark Hunters being stuck-up and evil, Northern and Southern Continents torn-up and deserted. Matoran villages being pillaged for fun. Brotherhood forces conquered Stelt (for whatever reason; waste of resources if you ask me). Xia being as apathetic as always. Artahka is off to become a plot point next month.Title drop.Alright, I'll stop parphrasing the RPG and get into the review already. I think this joke is getting tired already. Tired like a Matoran on Karzahni. And now it's gonna take a rest. And like a Matoran on Karzahni, it's gonna get turned to stone.To the point - the beginning history is a bunch of really short sentences describing the rest of the universe, which is useful for filling out the Biography. Personally, I don't understand the logic behind fleeing to Metru-Nui; it's a stategic location for military operations, which means the Brotherhood will be coming for it, and has few natural resources of its own. The Southern Islands might as well be your goal if getting away from the Brothehood is your only desire. But then we'd need you to draw a map and get a new banner, so Metru-Nui is fine. A wizard did it.So for what reason did the Sons of the Sprit become the name of the organization? I imagine it went like this -Bill: Hey Ted, who's your Dad?Ted: Dead. Brotherhood killed him.Bill: So a spirit? So you're the son of a spirit? Cool, I am too. What about you, Dave?Dave: Eaten by Muaka.Bill: Dude, Sons of the Spirit! That totally should be the name of our group!Fred: What about females, people with living parents, or those where both apply?Ted: Kick them out. We're already kicking out everybody who we think is ugly, so it's no less discriminatory.Bil: Sweeeeeeeeet.This conversation would, of course, require Matoran to actually reproduce (which they don't), so it's invalid anyways.Back to the story. Invasion. Tridax, becuase that loser needs a chance to shine for once. Along with mercenaries (gasp!), Rahkshi (GASP!), and... something more deadly? What, Rahkshi-Kaita? Evil Toa? Nope! Visorak! Well, I guess there are a lot of them, so...I don't get the point of killing scholars. They're not a threat, and if you pay them right, they can help you out. What's the point of a giant library (one could argue it was mostly blown up in Time Trap, but the presence of scholars indicates something has been left behind) that you can't use?Alright, so there are 700 of them. I promise you, if this RPG wins, I will catalogue every single PC/NPC death on the Brotherhood side. Then, when they get to 0, do we win?Hit and run battles is guerilla warfare to you folk at home.Half in the north, half in the south. To be honest, the north actually had a much greater number of troops than the... wait this isn't the Civil War.I've decided I'm gonna play a Brotherhood elite agent and a Sons diplomat.Other parts the war hasn't reached? This city is smaller than Manhatten! Toa can do a 1HK on it! How does the war not spread somewhere in, like, an hour?Visorak being terrible people, as usual.Luckily I'm an only child! I'm immortal in this RPG!The irony is that Outcasts are kickin' back with the Kikanalo while everyone else is dying. Being different is good. NOTE - Also playing a Kikanalo Magic-User. And a Tahtorahk Rogue.The Coliseum is totally occupied by Artahka, the Rahaga, Dume, and Keetongu. And I bet at the end of the RPG, when the players finally mange to fulfill their goal of resurecting a Makuta and it goes berserk, they're gonna show up and kill it with a 'final post' and render the entire fight before pointless with cutsene power to the max!Like I said. Kicking everybody with a low Comeliness score out. They are so rude.Rational Rahi? What about a crazy Vortixx with a Mask of Rahi Control?ToD....Hi, I'm a Son of the Spirit. And I'm a PC! Wow, PC, you're so lucky that you don't need to worry about weaponry. But I'm really low on it. Wow, that sucks. Hey, I'm heading over to see those Toa of Iron over there and get a new sword. Wanna come? Nah, I just wanna sit here and complain. Alright bud. But there's a reason we start off with 100 GP to buy equipment with. Yeah. Go have fun getting XP. We'll just sit here being eaten by Visorak. If you see a mythical beast with magical cure spells, tell us, will ya? Sure thing bud. But we already know he's in the Coliseum.(Because most Mac users whine a lot)*Intrigue? Vortixx Spy.Stelt? Okay, after that description, all I can think about is Sir Krekka, Knight of Stelt.You might want to put a space between the Stelt and Broterhood paragraphs, because there isn't one, and needs to be.I understand why New Xia would only allow Vortixx, but for Stelt I'm kinda not seeing why others wouldn't be allowed. For the proud warrior species thing you have going on, wouldn't they be accepting of other proud warrior indivudals? That's how I'm seeing things, anyways.Somebody needs to organize the sons.Shh, don't tell us who the Weapons Guild are going with. That spoils the surprise and lowers the tension.Why do the Steltians get xian weapons? They're already the size of a freakin building.I still say death penalty is easier than exiling somebody.I'm so gonna have an Outcast king. Anybody who wishes to round up the Outcasts and go to war against (and beat) everybody, please join me in my holy crusade!Strongest faction. Heh. Not when they face my outcast uprising. Once I kill Tridax, I'm gonna go after his entire Brotherhood... after I conquer the city.Standard Species. Matoran... they shall be the laborers in my Outcast Kingdom. The Toa, their defenders. The Turaga shall be sent to Shady Oak Retirement Homes, because Lol cliches.You can be lawful good and still be cynical, you know. I recommend The Eleniumand The Tamuli, as the main characters are all Lawful Good, and none of them are Lawful Stupid.I can't be a lighthearted Toa? Do you wanna bet?I'm gonna be a lighthearted Toa outcast king! Booyah! With an 18 in my Charisma score!a? see grammar i ErrorMagic Spiders. Why did it have to be magic spiders? Scorpions are way cooler.Ga-Metru... so this is where I, the Outcast King, shall begin my assault on the Brotherhood. Let the uprising begin.Karzahni IV (1-Person 2-Island 3-Plan 4-Ressurected Plant) should be lying around Ta-Metru somewhere. Blasted plant.Po-Metru is awesome because it has Rock Raptors, which are totally the best Rahi ever. I shall have Rock Raptor jockeys serving me as Outcast King.Ko-Metru is terrible because it has Ice Bats, which are totally the worst Rahi ever. I shall personally murder every single Ice Bat as Outcast King.Le-Metru I have no comment on, other than - what is the purpose of having a castle when everybody's castles are so close together you can leap from wall to wall?Onu-Metru shall become the hidden base of my great outlaw kingdom!And once I am strong enough, I shall take the Coliseum with my armies. Artahka shall kneel down and be my footrest; then I shall blast his head off and claim his epic mask.Still don't believe story information should be put in the character profiles alone. That's just not right, man.Six characters. I think that's enough for all my character ideas.... and a henchman to serve me as Outlaw King!You're outlawing the mask of clairvoyance? Listen bud, but that mask has, like, 0 use in combat, and it's pretty much useless outside of the story arc you're running yourself with your characters unless the GM decides that's a good way to give information to the players is with the mask. And GMs are too lazy to do that. It should be moved to limited, not outlawed.But you do need to outlaw masks of light and shadow. Only one of each exists. And they have special powers. Don't break the canon like that.I see nothing restricting me from have elemental powers of gravity, but everything restricting me from elemental powers of steam. I wonder why. You would think elemental powers of gravity would be restricted if you couldn't have elemental powers of steam, but I guess being able to make clean steam trains is too strong.And I still think the no mental shields thing is as silly as an emo with a sugar rush.This is the longest profile form every. Of all time.Brief history? Brief history? You're gonna get it.From here on out, I'm just gonna mess with the rules.If somebody does make an OOC only post in the RPing topic, it won't be the GM's punishing you. It'll be my Outcast King.If it doesn't look like bad grammar to them, how do they know it's bad grammar?Staff controlled characters are Elites, thus having double hit points and attacks in 4th Edition.NPCs are not target dummies. They're more like the one on Mythbusters.Your character cannot know your enemies plans in an instant; this is why you invest skill points into Intimidate and Diplomacy in 3rd Edition.Please act civil; aka, act like everybody else is fighting you in a Civil War.Do not play to win; play to dominate.Respect staff rulings; they've all passed Geometry class, and even if they're not Americans, they can probably still know how to use the thing.When you're dead, you're dead; unless you have a Mask of Undeath, than your zombified corpse gets to fulfill your last request.There are times when deaths in unavoidable; in these situations, ask what Captain Kirk would do.AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE: Well, this RPG is pretty good. It doesn't have The Touch, but only Optimus Prime does, so that's not very bad. It's definitely my top 3 as I'm writing this. Of course, only 3 RPGs have been submitted so far as I'm writing this, so that's not very hard. But my jokes aside, I like it. Aside from a few minor problems that are floating amidst this mass of bad comedy I just typed up, I don't have anything really bad to say about it this time around.-Toa Levacius Zehvor *My PR rep told me to say "Not all Mac users are whiney, and this was done only as satire!" in case I offended somebody. But I didn't listen to him, because PC FTW! Wait... I just said it. Oh well...

[The Lorax]

Review for Dusk Colliseum. I will type in green.

Dusk Coliseum:

On the other side of Spherus Magna, is a coliseum, that the glatorian and agori dont even know about.The other side from where? Well, first off I'm pretty sure that Agori and Glatorian lived all over Spherus Magna, at least before the shattering. I suppose it could be the point opposite where the Makuta Robot fell, but almost wherever you go on SM, there will be some beings there. Maybe you could find a more plausible way to hide the coliseum? Stick it in the middle of the Black Spike Mountains or deep in the jungles of Bota Magna.There, lives a shadowy tyrant, known as Lokar, an ex glatorian with powers of shadows, a mistake made by the Great Beings, who captures agori and forces them to fight, and watch in hopes in one dying, or both, for his amusement. He was once a powerful glatorian, however, he met the great being Agonance,The GB was called Angonce. BIONICLE names can be hard to spell I know, but BS01 is great for this sort of thing.who gave the Sisters of the Skrall their abilities, and he used his new found powers to win a tournament for Tesara. He was banned for killing a glatorian in battle, this filled rage within him, and he slaughtered many agori. He was banished, away from the tribes, and away from Arena Magna. He was banished to the other side of the planet. With his heart filled with revenge, he constructed a colieseum, and captured agori and placed them to fight each other, as an act of vengance. However, a few months after the reformation of the massive planet, Toa have found this ancient coliseum on an exploration mission, yet have not returned...so you decided to go find them, and sure enough, you were captured...you find yourself with other warriors, forced to fight for the shadowy tyrant's amusement...you must escape, but you have to survive in order to do so. Character Submission: Name: (keep it bionicle sounding)Gender: (very self explanatory, just pick male or female)Arsenal: (Up to six weapons, choose only two for each match)Wow, six weapons seems like an awful lot. Did the characters bring these weapons along with them, or do they get given them for the fights in the coliseum? Just because most BIONICLE characters in canon don't normally carry such a huge load of weaponry with them everywhere.Species:Elemental Powers: (if any)Kanohi: (If any)Brief Bio: (a little history on them and some info)Weakness(es): (any weakness the character might have)Appearance: (What does the character look like)Skills: (Any skills or abilities this character might have)Personality: (what is the character like?) Example: My ProfileName: ZacaxGender: MaleArsenal: Proto-Shotgun, Wrench, Duel Fire-Ele Magnums, Fire Cutlass, Magma Blaster.Species: ToaElemental Powers: FireKanohi: Mask of Kanohi Copy (Shaped like a Hau)So how does this one work? Does it adopt the powers of another kanohi that is being used against him, or is it just a "mask of all masks" that can gain the powers of whichever one would be useful at the time?Brief Bio: Zacax was a Ta-Matoran in Metru Nui and worked at the forge. He was trained by Tahukama who taught him everything he knows. He is referred to as The Gunsmith, or Z, or the Apprentice. He prefers guns to swords and blades.Weaknesses: Passive Aggressive, Mercy, Slow, Not Physically Strong.Appearance: Red and black armor, black upper arms, red torso with Wong like spikes on the upper shoulders, red lower arms and legs with dark red knee pads, black upper legs with dark red armor, red feet, red hands with black fingers.Personality: kind, passive aggressive, caring, brave, intelligent, quirky, comedic.Could you elaborate on these characteristics a bit? Just listing one-word attributes makes it hard to imagine what this guy might be like.Locations: The Main Arena: The place where the action happens, it can hold up to four 1 on 1 matches, fit with many traps, along with the ability to change the environment to make the match more... interesting. The field is twice as big as the coliseum in Metru Nui, and the skies are blocked by a dome like roof that keeps the warriors wondering when is it day or night. The Keep: Each warrior has his own room made of tan clay, however, all it has is a bed, and a barred window that looks into the Main Arena. It is more of a prison than a Inn. Training Room: A completely white room with the floor being black. Its filled with different traps, and flying platforms to 'aid' in the warrior's training. It seems almost like a white limbo if it weren't for the color of the floor. It is unaware of how big, wide or tall it is or if it even is endless, no one really goes that far around this limbo like room. Rest before Death: A giant room under the arena, meant for challengers to socialize, and talk about strategies. But why would you? If you're fighting to the death against everyone else here, why would you tell them all your best moves? It's filed with seats, books, a small kohli field, tool sharpeners, and many other things to keep the competitors occupied. However it is heavily guarded by machines designed to kill anyone who tries to flee without permision or by request of Lokar. Are these the same machines that these characters were facing in the arena? If they were and the characters could beat them there, then why don't they beat them here and escape? Claw Tree Forest: One of the few places the challengers can go to outside of the Colieseum. Reaching out of this forest will cause the trees to grab you and keep you captive till guards come to take you back. Its used by the challengers as a way to always be on guard, due to the trees being able to grab anyone or thing at will. The trees are black as ask Black as ask? I'll assume this is a typo and you meant ash. If not, please explain. and the floor is as brown as dirt can be, and the skies are always covered by silver grey clouds.If people aren't followed by guards when in this forest, isn't that an invitation to run away? Sure, it would be difficult, but setting captives free outside of the coliseum sounds a little dumb of Lokar and his minions.Healing Waters: These special waters are outside of the coliseum, able to heal any wound. The waters a clear and pure, they skies are cloudless and blue as can be, and vivid green vegetation grows here, along with tall trees that are wide and strong. Its very tranquil and peaceful, and Lokar doesnt know about this....yet. However not? You would think he would have noticed when he picked this spot, if not when he spent years building the coliseum.How is it that the sky keeps changing colour depending on where you are? Is it all indoors, and the sky is fake?Shrine of the Fallen: A graveyard like area for those who have died in the Coliseum. Like the Healing Waters, its peaceful, and has to be. Its meant as a place of respect, no one can fight here or train, this must be a place for respect and peace.If this Lokar guy is such a twisted meanie and kills people for entertainment, why is he giving them an honoured burial? It seems a bit off to me, but hey, the guy is crazy. Maybe he has his reasons. Mud Fall Hill: A place for the challengers to relax. Its a place to mud surf and hangout after a long battle. The Forge: The place where the machines are made, under the coliseum and the Rest before Death. A giant metal furnace lies within in the center, with clockwork like machinery that creates machinery to either guard or kill the warriors, and piles of scrap and shells of the diseased warriors that are used to make the mehanical creations. It be a shame if it was destroyed... Is that in invitation I hear? Good, I'll make sure to do that. Fatal Sentence: Warriors that break the rules of a match are sentenced to their death. They are stuck on top of a unbalanced rock platform, made of fragile red hardend clay, surrounded by red rocky pillars down bellow, and they must survive an onslaught of attacks from a giant mech with a spiked mace that will either kill them or knock them off the pillar. There is a way to escape, that is by getting to the Dune Hawk at the other end of the platform.This is a death sentence? It doesn't sound any more dangerous than the arena battles. More like a good chance to escape. Match Variants: There are several match variants Lokar has created to keep the matches more lively, and its always different.

• [*]Regular: Classic 1 on 1.[*]Team Battle: Two warriors work as a team to defeat the opposing team[*]Survival: Survive against a giant robot that will 'kill' any moving target other than Lokar. Either work together to shut it off, or fend for yourself. Anyone 'killed' will be sent to their rooms where they will be recovered...maybe.[*]Free for all: Last one standing is the winner. Lokar says no cooperation, but really whats the worst that can happen?[*]Firefight: Survive endless waves of mechs with 5 other warriors. Last standing wins.

Nice. These sound like good fun, but how will the battle type and teams be chosen? Will we issue challenges to other players? Will they be decided at random? What happens if one player goes inactive in the middle of a battle?My personal preference would be to issue a challenge. "I (character) challenge (opponent) to a (type) battle tomorrow at noon!" That way people will get more of what they enjoy.Ranks: Ranks are earned depending on how many battles you have won: Rookie (Rank 0): No battlesNovice (Rank 1): 1 battlesRegular (Rank 2): 10 battlesVeteran (Rank 3): 20 battlesProfessional (Rank 4): 45 battlesTrue Warrior (Rank 5): 60 battlesChampion (Final Rank): 100 battles.You know these RPGs only run for 90 days, right? It would be impossible for anyone to reach a high rank because battles normally take days or even weeks. I suggest you drop the numbers to 10 wins for the top rank. That would be more realistic.The List:Warriors will be placed on a list for Lokar to look at and choose warriors for it, along with rank of how well they have done. Staff:GM: Zacax Rules:-No godmodding-No flaming or trolling or spamming-Romance is limited to Glatorian and agori, but keep it low-Help someone around if they need it Violation of these rules result in suspension froom tournaments, or be banned from the RPG if rules are broken several times.These are the warnings:-1st: Small warning in OOC-2nd: Another warning stating what you did through PM-3rd: Banned for a day-4th: Banned for a week-5th: A PM statig you are banned from the RPG along with what you did to be banned.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

On the other side of Spherus Magna is a coliseum, that nobody knows about because they can't make satellites. There lives a shadowy tyrant, Loki. He's a freak. Luckily, we're arresting him on 120 counts of kidnapping, so your children will be safe again.

My Review of Dusk Coliseum

My only question is how I was captured. What if I have gravity powers? I'll just go out into the coliseum and float away like it was ASDF movie or something, so really, I do not fear this at all. Or psionic powers.Me: Lokar, you will let us go.Lokar: I will let you all go.Me: Lokar, give me your wallet.Lokar: I will give you my wallet.Me: Lokar, drop and give me 1,000,000 push ups.Lokar: I will drop and give you 1,000,000 push ups.That was the quickest solution to a battle ever.Character submission usually goes near the end. Even if you put the rules to the beginning, it goes towards the end. That's just how things get done around here mate.Dakarz is a Mask of Kanohi Copy? I know a Mask of Emulation, which copies everything but Kanohi powers. When you make a custom Kanohi, you're usually going to need to enlighten us on what it does. Even if it's fairly obvious (copying Kanohi powers), you want to make sure people put down what its limits and the like are. Otherwise things can get out of hand.Oh so that's why I can't just float away. Okay then. I'll just cause the entire dome ceiling to crack apart then with mind bullets. Then kill a yak.The room is made of clay? I do not fear this clay room. This room does not bring me fear. Especially with my Great Mask of Clay Control (no less ridiculous than my Great Mask of Plastic Creation).The training room sounds like a good place to dump a body.Mechanical machines? Not after I clog their joints with plastic they're not.Claw tree forest doesn't scare my powers of plant life.Healing waters. I'll sell 20 oz. bottles of this and get rich.The shrine of the fallen sounds like an excellent place to be with my Mask of Reanimation. I'll just animate all the dead people.Mud Fall Hill sounds like Murder People Hill.The forge shall be clogged by my Mask of Plastic Creation.How do they get you on the unbalanced rock platform?The match variants sound like a game of Halo.Listen buddy, but very few people are going to fight 20 battles in this 3 month RPG the way you have them set up. Probably nobody. 10 will be a miracle for some. And 100? Well, let's just say you better plan on this thing lasting longer than Day Run.The list will be destroyed by the Mask of Erasing.Pretty simple rules I think, but they serve the purpose.Final Analysis: The RPG is very simple, with very small locations that leave very little room to determine what they are. There's very little room for exploring anything new, or for any twists to be pulled up in the story. There's only one major NPC that nobody is allowed to meet with, and the only threats that are suggested are, frankly, not very intimidating to a player who is equipped properly to deal with them. There's very little I see from stopping a massive riot from occuring, and there really needs to be a map made. With the Dusk Coliseum being as large as you describe it, it really deserves its own blueprint map to be posted up. The RPG is also incredibly short, which attracts some people, but me - not as much. There could be more backstory added as well.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Grantaire]

Brotherhood forces conquered Stelt (for whatever reason; waste of resources if you ask me).

I suppose that if I wanted to, there are a number of reasons why the brotherhood would do that. One, obviously is that it's an excellent refuge for their enemies.

Personally, I don't understand the logic behind fleeing to Metru-Nui; it's a stategic location for military operations, which means the Brotherhood will be coming for it, and has few natural resources of its own. The Southern Islands might as well be your goal if getting away from the Brothehood is your only desire. But then we'd need you to draw a map and get a new banner, so Metru-Nui is fine. A wizard did it.

Metru Nui is way out of the way, for starters. Ergo, its location is not going to make it a good base of operation for war. the Dark Hunters have their secret island as base, and the makuta have a teleporting island. Metru Nui does offer resources of its own, namely a great deal of technology.Besides, southern islands are far more boring than Metru Nui.

Bill: Hey Ted, who's your Dad?Ted: Dead. Brotherhood killed him.Bill: So a spirit? So you're the son of a spirit? Cool, I am too. What about you, Dave?Dave: Eaten by Muaka.Bill: Dude, Sons of the Spirit! That totally should be the name of our group!Fred: What about females, people with living parents, or those where both apply?Ted: Kick them out. We're already kicking out everybody who we think is ugly, so it's no less discriminatory.Bil: Sweeeeeeeeet.

1: MU inhabitents do not reproduce!2: the matoran are traditionally called the Sons of the Great Spirit Mata Nui. I figure they'd shorten that title.

Back to the story. Invasion. Tridax, becuase that loser needs a chance to shine for once. Along with mercenaries (gasp!), Rahkshi (GASP!), and... something more deadly? What, Rahkshi-Kaita? Evil Toa? Nope! Visorak! Well, I guess there are a lot of them, so...

Visorak are massively downplayed in the 05 storyline, especially in the coliseum battle. Yeesh, these guys are as powerful, if not more so, as a toa.

I don't get the point of killing scholars. They're not a threat, and if you pay them right, they can help you out. What's the point of a giant library (one could argue it was mostly blown up in Time Trap, but the presence of scholars indicates something has been left behind) that you can't use?

Most likely the reasoning would hing on the amount of resistance the scholars put up, and the mood the makuta were in. Besides, I'm quite sure that Tridax would be able to navigate the library on his own. Remember, he wasn't expecting a resistance, or any need to dwell there, and the matoran would have constituted some small threat even captive.

Alright, so there are 700 of them. I promise you, if this RPG wins, I will catalogue every single PC/NPC death on the Brotherhood side. Then, when they get to 0, do we win?

Except, there aren't seven hundred. BoM army ≤ 700Correction, that's visorak only. There's rahkshi and mercs as well.

Other parts the war hasn't reached? This city is smaller than Manhatten! Toa can do a 1HK on it! How does the war not spread somewhere in, like, an hour?

Simple, the island is a group of seven islands, connected by chutes and most likely land bridges. The settlers have fortified their islands, essentially changing Metru Nui into a group of walled islands. The battle has only been going on for a week or more, and has taken place mainly in Ga Metru. When you're in Ga Metru, you can go into Po Metru, but the lack of civilization there would make it a little less desirable to conquerable. Ergo, the BoM would be working on conquering Ga Metru, a task made hard by the fact that there happens to be a faction fighting them tooth and claw.

The irony is that Outcasts are kickin' back with the Kikanalo while everyone else is dying. Being different is good. NOTE - Also playing a Kikanalo Magic-User. And a Tahtorahk Rogue.

>"Everyone else dying"> Steltians and Xians haven't came in contact with BoM yet.>Steltians are the ones with the kikanalo. http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/cool.png>Outcasts are regularly killed by rahi, therefore chilling out is rather hard.

The Coliseum is totally occupied by Artahka, the Rahaga, Dume, and Keetongu. And I bet at the end of the RPG, when the players finally mange to fulfill their goal of resurecting a Makuta and it goes berserk, they're gonna show up and kill it with a 'final post' and render the entire fight before pointless with cutsene power to the max!

The error in that guess kinda blocks out any truth therein. Care to repeat?

Stelt? Okay, after that description, all I can think about is Sir Krekka, Knight of Stelt.

Incredibly erroneous, sorry. Krekka's species are the grunts, the peasants, the laborers. Sidorak's species are the mounted warriors, and they ride Kikanalo, not horses.

I understand why New Xia would only allow Vortixx, but for Stelt I'm kinda not seeing why others wouldn't be allowed. For the proud warrior species thing you have going on, wouldn't they be accepting of other proud warrior indivudals? That's how I'm seeing things, anyways.

The way I see it, they have rather strict class system, and therefore would not accept any non steltians. However, it might be reasonable to have some outcasts as slaves/rank and files soldiers/laborers.

Why do the Steltians get xian weapons? They're already the size of a freakin building.

They're only titan sized, and they have no powers to speak of.

I still say death penalty is easier than exiling somebody.

Yeah, but it doesn't create an awesome faction.

Ko-Metru is terrible because it has Ice Bats, which are totally the worst Rahi ever. I shall personally murder every single Ice Bat as Outcast King.

Yeah, cool. While you're doing it, make sure no muaka or any other rather deadly rahi kills you.

Le-Metru I have no comment on, other than - what is the purpose of having a castle when everybody's castles are so close together you can leap from wall to wall?

Dotting the landscape implies therefore a certain amount of spacing. Use your head for that, seriously.

You're outlawing the mask of clairvoyance? Listen bud, but that mask has, like, 0 use in combat, and it's pretty much useless outside of the story arc you're running yourself with your characters unless the GM decides that's a good way to give information to the players is with the mask. And GMs are too lazy to do that. It should be moved to limited, not outlawed.

That mask is called 'a convenient excuse to metagame.'

But you do need to outlaw masks of light and shadow. Only one of each exists. And they have special powers. Don't break the canon like that.

True, how purely elemental versions I would assume could exist, like the mask of gravity can.

I see nothing restricting me from have elemental powers of gravity, but everything restricting me from elemental powers of steam. I wonder why. You would think elemental powers of gravity would be restricted if you couldn't have elemental powers of steam, but I guess being able to make clean steam trains is too strong.

Care to word that in legible English please?

If it doesn't look like bad grammar to them, how do they know it's bad grammar?

I suggest a grammar book or a dictionary.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Metru Nui is way out of the way, for starters. Ergo, its location is not going to make it a good base of operation for war. the Dark Hunters have their secret island as base, and the makuta have a teleporting island. Metru Nui does offer resources of its own, namely a great deal of technology.Besides, southern islands are far more boring than Metru Nui.

Destroyed technology, but honestly, rule of cool applies.

1: MU inhabitents do not reproduce!2: the matoran are traditionally called the Sons of the Great Spirit Mata Nui. I figure they'd shorten that title.

1. I stated that right after that conversation. :P2. I figured something related to the Great Spirit. It seems more like some sort of religious organization than a milita band, though; when I think Sons of the Spirit, I think a bunch of armored Paladin-Toa.

Visorak are massively downplayed in the 05 storyline, especially in the coliseum battle. Yeesh, these guys are as powerful, if not more so, as a toa.

There power was asserted pretty well when a couple of them disintegrated an entire squad of super-Vahki. However, they are no stronger than a Toa, especially a good one.

Most likely the reasoning would hing on the amount of resistance the scholars put up, and the mood the makuta were in. Besides, I'm quite sure that Tridax would be able to navigate the library on his own. Remember, he wasn't expecting a resistance, or any need to dwell there, and the matoran would have constituted some small threat even captive.

Truth. I guess if you set a small horde of Rahkshi lose, it's a little too late to think about the consequences. Even Teridax was iffy about letting lose the six from Mask of Light.

Except, there aren't seven hundred.BoM army ≤ 700Correction, that's visorak only. There's rahkshi and mercs as well.

Still counting. Though honestly, look at the pictures showing Brotherhood armies, Visorak seem like the bulk -Could be wrong, though. I think the ratio of Bionicle Set pieces is about even.

Simple, the island is a group of seven islands, connected by chutes and most likely land bridges. The settlers have fortified their islands, essentially changing Metru Nui into a group of walled islands. The battle has only been going on for a week or more, and has taken place mainly in Ga Metru. When you're in Ga Metru, you can go into Po Metru, but the lack of civilization there would make it a little less desirable to conquerable. Ergo, the BoM would be working on conquering Ga Metru, a task made hard by the fact that there happens to be a faction fighting them tooth and claw.

Reasonable.

>"Everyone else dying"> Steltians and Xians haven't came in contact with BoM yet.>Steltians are the ones with the kikanalo. http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/cool.png>Outcasts are regularly killed by rahi, therefore chilling out is rather hard.

Consider Kikanalo are highly intelligent, it stands to reason a few of them are going to be independent. Including the magic-users. Especially the magic-users.

The error in that guess kinda blocks out any truth therein. Care to repeat?

I'm complaining about sometihng irrelevant to this RPG. But Artahka, the Rahaga, Turaga Dume, Keetongu, or any mix of any of them is in that coliseum.

Incredibly erroneous, sorry. Krekka's species are the grunts, the peasants, the laborers. Sidorak's species are the mounted warriors, and they ride Kikanalo, not horses.

Doesn't mean that wasn't the funniest picture ever. Of all time.

The way I see it, they have rather strict class system, and therefore would not accept any non steltians. However, it might be reasonable to have some outcasts as slaves/rank and files soldiers/laborers.

Or shapeshifters.

They're only titan sized, and they have no powers to speak of.

Sidorak was pretty freakin strong.

Yeah, but it doesn't create an awesome faction.

And the Outcast King.

Yeah, cool. While you're doing it, make sure no muaka or any other rather deadly rahi kills you.

Gravity helps a lot against them.

Dotting the landscape implies therefore a certain amount of spacing. Use your head for that, seriously.

It was a joke. But in any case, I don't see there being very many good sized castles. More like keeps, really.

That mask is called 'a convenient excuse to metagame.'

That's why you have anti-godmodding rules and make it limited. Look at how it's used - you can't use it in combat without making yourself vulnerable, and it only works when it wants to work.

True, how purely elemental versions I would assume could exist, like the mask of gravity can.

The only problem being that, up until about 800 years from the presnt time in-game, nobody in the universe has powers of light, be it from an item or otherwise. And I can't see the Brotherhood let anyone else having a mask with shadow powers?

Care to word that in legible English please?

We're allowed to use super-powerful elements (gravity and psionics) but not create custom elements. Or masks. What is this, BZPRPG?

I suggest a grammar book or a dictionary.

Trust me, getting somebody with bad grammar to use a dictionary is like getting a mute to sing. Also, that comment was a joke anyways.-Toa Levacius Zehvor Edited June 6, 2012 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

[The Lorax]

Here is my take on Kirse, City of the Great Beings - New Extended Version.Hooray for puzzles and variable endings! A game would get boring if we couldn't affect major events.The plural of millenium is millenia."The war was raging across the entire planet of Bara Magna" In this case, I think you mean Spherus Magna, as you go on to say it later became known as Bara Magna"chunks of it's once greatness"? I think you mean "former greatness", and its doesn't need the apostrophe.I like the very detailed history. It's long, but it set everything up nicely in a logical sequence and explains the world in which we will play the game. I have no complaints here. Just one question: what happened to the Element Lords? They were the leaders of the Core War, but they don't get a mention here. I assume they are all dead, else they would have helped with the attack on Kirse, but it would be nice to know.And next comes a summary which cuts all that wonderful backstory into a few dry points which contain all the necessary information but none of the fun. For people in a hurry, I suppose it works.Mythical caravans are supplying the city with food and water? But why? Who would want to and who would have the means? I'll put that puzzle on my to-do list.On to the factions. The Nui-jaga seem like nice guys who have struck some secret, underhanded deal with the Poisoned Blood for their own survival. Of all the groups, they seem to know the most about the GBs' machines.The freerunners are just a bunch of regular, nothing-too-special guys who can't be bothered getting their own stuff so the bludge off everyone else. I suppose it makes it hard for other groups to take their stuff, because they don't have any, but if the squeeze comes on and everyone guards their food better, these guys are going to starve in a couple of days.The Poisoned Blood are the vicious warriors going all out for victory or death with no middle ground. Burning the food seems like a bad idea, especially if they don't end up as the most powerful faction that controls what little is left. Still, if they do end up forcing everyone else into starvation, then good for them."...Virthee, who had seen Death". Death doesn't need the capital, unlees you mean that he has met a personification of death.The Shades are just a rabble who are sticking together for strength in numbers. Oh, and a shaky alliance. The more of those, the better. Let the backstabbing begin!The Nightguard seem like the heroes who die quickly and violently before being tossed to the night creatures. Trying to keep order in Kirse seems like a lost cause, yet they keep on trying. I guess now they're not too different from other groups who just fight for survival. Skilled warriors sounds cool though."Nightguard was formed by the great Hero of the battle..." . "Hero" doesn't need to be capitalised.The Brakas, the low scum, the double agents. I have to wonder how they stay together at all with all the different agendas going down, the Nightguard hating them and everyone else thinking they're a pest. I suppose its the machines that work like glue - everybody wants them.All in all, this seems like an awful lot of factions to have in an RPG. I remember last contest it was said that most of them wouldn't last long, and I have to agree. If it won, each faction might only have 2-5 active PCs, which isn't much. Some might see this as a bad thing, but in a city where everyone is fighting and dying every day, I think it works to have the factions rising and falling faster than a brakas on a trampoline and five bottles of caffeine.The bases of each faction seem pretty standard, depending on the type of hideout/fortress that each faction requires.The character sheet looks good: name, gender, species, appearance, faction... wait, hold on a moment. Does "none for now" mean that we can't start as a member of any faction? That seems a bit...restrictive. What if we want to be a long-standing member of the Nightguard or have a crime ring within the Brakas?Forward to the classes to machines. Custom designs are available - nice. In a world where Matoran and Toa aren't that much like noraml Matoran and Toa, customisation and divergence has to be a good thing. Once again I see that Skakdi have been depowered to having abilities below those of toa. It is common in RPGs and makes a degree of sense in this alternate scenario of what these machines are, but I still feel a little sad for my favourite race of savages. It's one of my pet peeves, so don't worry too much. I'm just biased.Not all the profiles are there, which looks a it messy, but I imagine that trying to to coordinate a large team of staff would be difficult, so I'll let that one drop. Most of them seem like interesting characters, and fit their factions reasonably well. Not people I would want to meet in a dark alley. Oh, and I love how Pyrrhon keeps popping into other peoples' profiles to fix bits or clarify."...discovered the devices that enabled fusion with the MU inhabitants". What's the MU? It didn't exist in this universe, so where are its inhabitants? Better to say "machines" here, I think. Of course people will know what you mean, but there is a continuity issue."The Vision merely gives a painful jolt to the victim's body." I'm not sure I understand this. Mind explaining or making it clearer?"He is willing to listen to other," Others."He wears a black hat and overcoat, that covers his armor." Conflict of plurals. If both the hat and overcoat cover the armour, then it should be cover, not covers. If it is only the overcoat, it should be a black hat and an overcoat.Rules, rules, rules. Oooh, love that last one. Overall, a very nice RPG. I would play if it won, but at this stage I can't promise votes. There are still plenty of entries to be made and sleepless nights to endure before I make that decision.

[Grantaire]

Destroyed technology, but honestly, rule of cool applies.

They don't know that.

There power was asserted pretty well when a couple of them disintegrated an entire squad of super-Vahki. However, they are no stronger than a Toa, especially a good one.

Yet not when a thousand of them were trying to kill six Hordika. *yawns*

Truth. I guess if you set a small horde of Rahkshi lose, it's a little too late to think about the consequences. Even Teridax was iffy about letting lose the six from Mask of Light.

They're only about the power of a toa... But in basic, Tridax was a bit ticked off and decided to simply destroy what he thought would be a small settlement or two.

Still counting. Though honestly, look at the pictures showing Brotherhood armies, Visorak seem like the bulk -

Err, that's a visorak horde, not a brotherhood army.

Consider Kikanalo are highly intelligent, it stands to reason a few of them are going to be independent. Including the magic-users.Especially the magic-users.

You'll have to get that magic past me. Trust me, Dov, Skar and some others have already discovered my seemingly strange views on it.

Doesn't mean that wasn't the funniest picture ever. Of all time.

nope.avi

Sidorak was pretty freakin strong.

Pit that against telekinesis, fire, earth, stone, et cetera. Not very good.

It was a joke. But in any case, I don't see there being very many good sized castles. More like keeps, really.

I would agree there.

That's why you have anti-godmodding rules and make it limited. Look at how it's used - you can't use it in combat without making yourself vulnerable, and it only works when it wants to work.

'when it wants to work' Means whenever the character wants to find something out. But yeah, not allowing it.

The only problem being that, up until about 800 years from the presnt time in-game, nobody in the universe has powers of light, be it from an item or otherwise. And I can't see the Brotherhood let anyone else having a mask with shadow powers?

Aside from Av matoran, that is. But yes, I can understand your logic.

We're allowed to use super-powerful elements (gravity and psionics) but not create custom elements. Or masks. What is this, BZPRPG?

Ahh, I see what you mean. Come to think of it, I dunno why I made that rule. It'll get nerfed in the next revision.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Reviewemenmenon of Desolation

(Seriously, why didn't you just say Prologue? )

I would like to propose nominating this RPG as the ultimate collection of bizzare names. It is just so freaking awesome like that.The opening certainly gives the feeling that the Chaemodra (sounds a lot like Charon, the ferryman, to me) are bad dudes to be around, and the part about consuming dead Toa gives a very inhuman feeling to them. Err... inmatoran. That really doesn't work.So Dhulet got destroyed, and it was the capital of Vemori, which is now a destroyed Kingdom? And now this guy, this Chaemodra dude, is in control of the kingdom. And there's a third group, the D'mor. And the Chaemodra are from Hadrax. But now the Vemori army is coming to kill them, and they have to flee. Doesn't sound like they rule.The Chaemodra eat people, and they were allowed to live? And this treaty was made, but almost nobody is really following it? How amusing.Chaos. I love chaos. So, we've got Monsters, Normal, and Religious. Beautiful.I decide? Okay. They're all my slaves. And make me cupcakes.I love your map and want to marry it. It's so colorful.Honestly, I love your geography section too, but it's kind of confusing. It took me a while to figure out how you were breaking up the areas. You might want to try something other than 'North, East, South, West' for how you're breaking things up, and I would like to see the cities with their own sections.The factions, on the other hand, are described well. You say there are lots of Chaemodra species, but where are they described? Not at all. So... what?Tribal estates; the fancy way to say 'player faction'. Nice.Character sheet; again, what are the species in the Chaemodra?Entitled to feel the rules? That's not the word I'd use to describe it. Speaking of rules, where are the restricted items and powers?Final Analysis: This RPG is one of my favorites out of my contest, as far as those that have been submitted thus far. However, it really needs to fill in those knowledge gaps that I pointed out, and clarify things in the geography section. The map is lovely though, and as the father, I ask your permission for the wedding. Anyways, fix those things up, maybe stick a little more on the islands history while you're at it, and it'd be better.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[The Dark Chronicler]

Here is my take on Kirse, City of the Great Beings - New Extended Version.I wanted to call it Kirse: City of the Great Beings: Super Extreme Edition 4.0, but this is only version 2.0, so we just stuck with the old name. Hooray for puzzles and variable endings! A game would get boring if we couldn't affect major events.Hurray for puzzles indeed! Of course, I just wanted to clarify that even the major events can be stopped or averted, or even sped up. Some RPGs seem to have a set timeline.The plural of millenium is millenia.My spell check doesn't like millenium and tries changing it to millenia. I'll fix it as soon as i'm done replying."The war was raging across the entire planet of Bara Magna" In this case, I think you mean Spherus Magna, as you go on to say it later became known as Bara MagnaThanks for catching that! Sometimes it's hard to keep track of what the planet is called. XD"chunks of it's once greatness"? I think you mean "former greatness", and its doesn't need the apostrophe.Yeah, that sounds better there. How did I miss that apostrophe? XDI like the very detailed history. It's long, but it set everything up nicely in a logical sequence and explains the world in which we will play the game. I have no complaints here. Just one question: what happened to the Element Lords? They were the leaders of the Core War, but they don't get a mention here. I assume they are all dead, else they would have helped with the attack on Kirse, but it would be nice to know.Glad you didn't see anything wrong with the history, it was what was most heavily worked on. I assume that the elemental Lords are probably dead, though it is possible for them to have survived. They were creations of the Great Beings, maybe that had something to do with it. Or, they could still be alive. That's one thing I didn't want to do too much with, because it might limit the possibilities of them being of some use in the future of the story. Though I can confirm that at least one is dead.And next comes a summary which cuts all that wonderful backstory into a few dry points which contain all the necessary information but none of the fun. For people in a hurry, I suppose it works.It's not easy to make a shortened version as entertaining without making it almost as long as the complete history. I'm not pleased by how it turned out, but it serves it's purpose.Mythical caravans are supplying the city with food and water? But why? Who would want to and who would have the means? I'll put that puzzle on my to-do list.That I can not say, it is one of the mysteries of the city. Though I will say, that one might have a rather valuable result, though I can't say why.On to the factions. The Nui-jaga seem like nice guys who have struck some secret, underhanded deal with the Poisoned Blood for their own survival. Of all the groups, they seem to know the most about the GBs' machines.Yep, you summed them up nicely, though they may not even know why poisoned Blood helped them.The Freerunners are just a bunch of regular, nothing-too-special guys who can't be bothered getting their own stuff so the bludge off everyone else. I suppose it makes it hard for other groups to take their stuff, because they don't have any, but if the squeeze comes on and everyone guards their food better, these guys are going to starve in a couple of days.Yep, they rely on the constant changing of ownership on resources to cause openings in the defense. What better time to raid than when the defense is fighting someone else?The Poisoned Blood are the vicious warriors going all out for victory or death with no middle ground. Burning the food seems like a bad idea, especially if they don't end up as the most powerful faction that controls what little is left. Still, if they do end up forcing everyone else into starvation, then good for them.Yeah, the Poisoned Blood have rather destructive tactics, to the city, their foes, and possibly to themselves."...Virthee, who had seen Death". Death doesn't need the capital, unlees you mean that he has met a personification of death.It was sort of a reflex there. I've been writing a story about death as a character, so I keep capitalizing it. I'll fix that.The Shades are just a rabble who are sticking together for strength in numbers. Oh, and a shaky alliance. The more of those, the better. Let the backstabbing begin!Shaky alliances are awesome, and can bring down an entire faction. Plus they're just entertaining to write about.The Nightguard seem like the heroes who die quickly and violently before being tossed to the night creatures. Trying to keep order in Kirse seems like a lost cause, yet they keep on trying. I guess now they're not too different from other groups who just fight for survival. Skilled warriors sounds cool though.Yeah, they were once the brave heroic military, then enforces of very strict laws, now they merely fight for the survival of themselves, and the civilians to a degree."Nightguard was formed by the great Hero of the battle..." . "Hero" doesn't need to be capitalised....fixing. XDThe Brakas, the low scum, the double agents. I have to wonder how they stay together at all with all the different agendas going down, the Nightguard hating them and everyone else thinking they're a pest. I suppose its the machines that work like glue - everybody wants them.They are a pest, and often a blessing. You need someone to help with a good assassination? There's a Brakas for that. Want an enemy to lose an important weapon supply? There's a Brakas for that. Plus, if they turned on the Brakas, they would lose some of their own members who work for both groups.All in all, this seems like an awful lot of factions to have in an RPG. I remember last contest it was said that most of them wouldn't last long, and I have to agree. If it won, each faction might only have 2-5 active PCs, which isn't much. Some might see this as a bad thing, but in a city where everyone is fighting and dying every day, I think it works to have the factions rising and falling faster than a brakas on a trampoline and five bottles of caffeine.Yeah, the large number of Factions aren't supposed to be around for long. It lets the players help decide which factions will last and which shall be crushed. And I have to say, love the comparison. Brakas on a trampoline. XDThe bases of each faction seem pretty standard, depending on the type of hideout/fortress that each faction requires.The bases probably could have used a little more work...The character sheet looks good: name, gender, species, appearance, faction... wait, hold on a moment. Does "none for now" mean that we can't start as a member of any faction? That seems a bit...restrictive. What if we want to be a long-standing member of the Nightguard or have a crime ring within the Brakas?It wasn't intended to mean that... my wording needs to be fixed there. I meant to put "For now, or none" Meaning what faction you are in, or if you are not in one. That needs fixed...Forward to the classes to machines. Custom designs are available - nice. In a world where Matoran and Toa aren't that much like noraml Matoran and Toa, customisation and divergence has to be a good thing. Once again I see that Skakdi have been depowered to having abilities below those of toa. It is common in RPGs and makes a degree of sense in this alternate scenario of what these machines are, but I still feel a little sad for my favourite race of savages. It's one of my pet peeves, so don't worry too much. I'm just biased.I thought that letting people create machines of their own design would really fit the world of Kirse, glad to see you like it. I actually tried to keep Skakdi Balanced here. They have heightened strength and reduced elemental powers. But if you may have noticed, there is no restriction of only vision powers for Skakdi. A Skakdi with a mask power is fair game.Not all the profiles are there, which looks a it messy, but I imagine that trying to to coordinate a large team of staff would be difficult, so I'll let that one drop. Most of them seem like interesting characters, and fit their factions reasonably well. Not people I would want to meet in a dark alley. Oh, and I love how Pyrrhon keeps popping into other peoples' profiles to fix bits or clarify.Yeah, but Onarax has taken a very long time on his, and I'm not certain he's even worked on it at all. All of the other profiles were there months ago. In a dangerous city, you meet rather dangerous people. I just have to make sure that the other staff are following the rules, such as Reichenbach's weakness."...discovered the devices that enabled fusion with the MU inhabitants". What's the MU? It didn't exist in this universe, so where are its inhabitants? Better to say "machines" here, I think. Of course people will know what you mean, but there is a continuity issue.Yeah, I see that. But I didn't want to modify the other staff's profiles for spelling errors and continuity errors on the case that they might not like me doing such."The Vision merely gives a painful jolt to the victim's body." I'm not sure I understand this. Mind explaining or making it clearer?Sure, I'll fix that up. It means that the mask can harm on touch, and with eye contact. But eye contact is merely a quick and painful jolt, while touch can cause serious injury."He is willing to listen to other," Others.It shall be fixed! XD"He wears a black hat and overcoat, that covers his armor." Conflict of plurals. If both the hat and overcoat cover the armour, then it should be cover, not covers. If it is only the overcoat, it should be a black hat and an overcoat.Yeah, but as before... i really didn't want to mess with the other staff profiles on spelling issues... but I might now anyway. Rules, rules, rules. Oooh, love that last one. Everyone does, the last rule is the most important one of all.Overall, a very nice RPG. I would play if it won, but at this stage I can't promise votes. There are still plenty of entries to be made and sleepless nights to endure before I make that decision. Thanks, glad you like it enough to see it worthy of playing! Indeed, the future might bring a diversity of great games, we can only find out when the voting begins. Thanks for the Review!

[Oblitus]

Reviewemenmenon of Desolation

(Seriously, why didn't you just say Prologue? )

I would like to propose nominating this RPG as the ultimate collection of bizzare names. It is just so freaking awesome like that.The opening certainly gives the feeling that the Chaemodra (sounds a lot like Charon, the ferryman, to me) are bad dudes to be around, and the part about consuming dead Toa gives a very inhuman feeling to them. Err... inmatoran. That really doesn't work.So Dhulet got destroyed, and it was the capital of Vemori, which is now a destroyed Kingdom? And now this guy, this Chaemodra dude, is in control of the kingdom. And there's a third group, the D'mor. And the Chaemodra are from Hadrax. But now the Vemori army is coming to kill them, and they have to flee. Doesn't sound like they rule.The Chaemodra eat people, and they were allowed to live? And this treaty was made, but almost nobody is really following it? How amusing.Chaos. I love chaos. So, we've got Monsters, Normal, and Religious. Beautiful.I decide? Okay. They're all my slaves. And make me cupcakes.I love your map and want to marry it. It's so colorful.Honestly, I love your geography section too, but it's kind of confusing. It took me a while to figure out how you were breaking up the areas. You might want to try something other than 'North, East, South, West' for how you're breaking things up, and I would like to see the cities with their own sections.The factions, on the other hand, are described well. You say there are lots of Chaemodra species, but where are they described? Not at all. So... what?Tribal estates; the fancy way to say 'player faction'. Nice.Character sheet; again, what are the species in the Chaemodra?Entitled to feel the rules? That's not the word I'd use to describe it. :PSpeaking of rules, where are the restricted items and powers?Final Analysis: This RPG is one of my favorites out of my contest, as far as those that have been submitted thus far. However, it really needs to fill in those knowledge gaps that I pointed out, and clarify things in the geography section. The map is lovely though, and as the father, I ask your permission for the wedding. Anyways, fix those things up, maybe stick a little more on the islands history while you're at it, and it'd be better.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

I agree about my poor elaboration about the history. This however, had me staring at a blank screen for a while until my locked up ideas began to flow at approx. 1:30-4:45 PTZ(PST). I wasn't able to get in the main character profiles in, due to my exhaustion. Oh, and the Tribal Estates, I got the idea of creating factions from your... erm... habit of massing a large force under your will.Clarification about the whole attack on Dhulet: Kolovpts ravaged the city, left to pursue his conquest on the Tribal Estates until the D'mor and Vemori struck back until the Chaemodra's current borders. The reasoning of the attack was to insert fear into the Vemori, and indirectly the D'mor.The map will be fixed- I'll put up the NESW areas and get s'more info about the islands.I'll get to the review of everyone elses later. I got a sibling's birthday to go through. Edited June 7, 2012 by Belthnor

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Review for Makutalypse

Name sounds a little too much like a cheesy Hero Factory story arc to me.How did Jaller get away from Goldilocks?Okay, Kopeke. I know him.Makuta alive. Well, gee, I assumed something like that based on the name. With none of his Rahkshi powers, and just shadow. I have very little fear of him. In fact, I think I can probably do a good 1HK on him if all he has is shadow powers. Karz, Suicavel could probably eat him in the process.Your history is incredibly short and provides almost no information. You also give us no map, no factions, no NPCs or relevance outside of Makuta... nothing.How does an Agori become a Toa? And what's with the short list of species?The weaponry rules seem kind of silly. I understand having favored weaponry/restricted based on factions, like in Elementum, but outright saying a weapon has an 'elemental type' seems kind of silly.Shadow powers are off limits? Why? And what is this Maze thing you talk about in the rules?Factions besides the two main ones? You never describe them! And the goal is to defeat Makuta... why? What if I want to, as you say, work with him? What if I want to murder everybody! Heck, what if I want to kill Makuta, and take his pwoers? And then kill everybody?This RPG has almost less stuff to it than War Zone, sadly.Final Analysis: Your history is too short, you don't detail the world or the factions at all, and you have no restrictions on any elements or powers other than shadow. You don't have an off limit items list, and your species list is kind of convoluted. On the plus side, if you actually lengthened everything out (and, honestly, I would change the name, but that's just me), you might have a pretty decent RPG idea. There's just not really anything there to judge it on, which is a downer. Still, we have plenty of time before the contest begins, so it still has time to be worked on. -Toa Levacius Zehvor

[The Lorax]

The Lorax's thoughts on Waves of the South.As far as I can see, the point of this RPG is to go and explore all these cool and unknown places around Yheyn, looking for treasure and trying not to lose it to the powerful factions, or co-operatig with them to gain power. Cool, I can run with that.Nice factions by the way. As I read them, I keep getting ideas for characters and stories. This world you have made is ready to come alive, but not only that but it invites the reader to jump in and make it their own in a way that very few do.It. Congratulations.My problem here is that there are a lot of factions here. They are all unique and cool, but they might spread the character base a bit thin. 7 factions and a few going neutral or starting their own groups could leave only a handful of active PCs in each faction, which could make things a bit difficult. Maybe you could raise the character limit to help offset this?Is it possible to put a key on that map? I can sort of work out what's what from the description, but it would make thing a lot easier to have a simple green shading = forest, pink shading = desert or whatever.On the history section, could you put the explanations of those different dating systems at the top instead of the bottom? That way any confusion is eliminated and people know what you're on about right from the beginning. When I read that bit, I spent half my time thinking "What's an AL and how does it relate to IAs?" Only then when I read further did I find out, and then re-read everything in context.The Prime Species are pretty neat to have around, especially since this is in League times. Just one thing - what makes Carapar's lot so different from Krekka's species? Both are big and strong with mask-type powers. the only difference is that the Prime species needs to wear as mask while Krekka can fly without one: his powers are intrinsic. Carapar wasn't even that smart, another similarity to Krekka.No Skakdi included in the species list I see, which is a bit sad for me because I love them, but I can see why they aren't there. This time-period is well before Spiriah's experiments, so we don't really know what they are like. Now of my characters were time travellers... ah, no. Maybe I'll just go without Skakdi characters for a change if this one wins.This is a very nice entry you have there. I like it a lot, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

My problem here is that there are a lot of factions here. They are all unique and cool, but they might spread the character base a bit thin. 7 factions and a few going neutral or starting their own groups could leave only a handful of active PCs in each faction, which could make things a bit difficult. Maybe you could raise the character limit to help offset this?

You're right. It's unfair to keep people from going through with all of their ideas and becoming too isolated just from a low character limit.

Is it possible to put a key on that map? I can sort of work out what's what from the description, but it would make thing a lot easier to have a simple green shading = forest, pink shading = desert or whatever.

Yeah, I can do that.

On the history section, could you put the explanations of those different dating systems at the top instead of the bottom? That way any confusion is eliminated and people know what you're on about right from the beginning. When I read that bit, I spent half my time thinking "What's an AL and how does it relate to IAs?" Only then when I read further did I find out, and then re-read everything in context.

This shall be done.

The Prime Species are pretty neat to have around, especially since this is in League times. Just one thing - what makes Carapar's lot so different from Krekka's species? Both are big and strong with mask-type powers. the only difference is that the Prime species needs to wear as mask while Krekka can fly without one: his powers are intrinsic. Carapar wasn't even that smart, another similarity to Krekka.

Carapar wasn't very smart because Takadox used him as a mind-puppet so much; canonically, he was almost a genius at the beginning. They even bring up one of his old stratagems in the book (an island besieged; offering a peace treaty, sending them poisoned food, and killing them within their walls). They're quite a bit smaller than Krekkas species, not being too much larger than Toa, but they're also much faster; Krekka, as is stated in the story, was very bulky and not very agile. I will try to add onto the Prime Species, however, for the sake of balancing.

This is a very nice entry you have there. I like it a lot, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.

Thanks man, and thanks for all the kind comment. Same luck for you, and I'll review Transformation again when you get it on up. -Toa Levacius Zehvor Edited June 7, 2012 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

[The Lorax]

The Prime Species are pretty neat to have around, especially since this is in League times. Just one thing - what makes Carapar's lot so different from Krekka's species? Both are big and strong with mask-type powers. the only difference is that the Prime species needs to wear as mask while Krekka can fly without one: his powers are intrinsic. Carapar wasn't even that smart, another similarity to Krekka.

Carapar wasn't very smart because Takadox used him as a mind-puppet so much; canonically, he was almost a genius at the beginning. They even bring up one of his old stratagems in the book (an island besieged; offering a peace treaty, sending them poisoned food, and killing them within their walls). They're quite a bit smaller than Krekkas species, not being too much larger than Toa, but they're also much faster; Krekka, as is stated in the story, was very bulky and not very agile. I will try to add onto the Prime Species, however, for the sake of balancing.

Oh, OK. I hadn't read that book, so I figured he had always been fairly dumb, even before Takadox constantly hypnotising him. Then again, Krekka can make anyone look like a genius. As for the physical differences, I suppose it can be a bit subjective (how big is big), so I'll give you that one too. If we go by movie size rather than set size, Krekka is really a lot bigger. Edited June 7, 2012 by The Lorax

[Elrond of Rivendell]

Review for Makutalypse

Name sounds a little too much like a cheesy Hero Factory story arc to me.How did Jaller get away from Goldilocks?Okay, Kopeke. I know him.Makuta alive. Well, gee, I assumed something like that based on the name. With none of his Rahkshi powers, and just shadow. I have very little fear of him. In fact, I think I can probably do a good 1HK on him if all he has is shadow powers. Karz, Suicavel could probably eat him in the process.Your history is incredibly short and provides almost no information. You also give us no map, no factions, no NPCs or relevance outside of Makuta... nothing.How does an Agori become a Toa? And what's with the short list of species?The weaponry rules seem kind of silly. I understand having favored weaponry/restricted based on factions, like in Elementum, but outright saying a weapon has an 'elemental type' seems kind of silly.Shadow powers are off limits? Why? And what is this Maze thing you talk about in the rules?Factions besides the two main ones? You never describe them! And the goal is to defeat Makuta... why? What if I want to, as you say, work with him? What if I want to murder everybody! Heck, what if I want to kill Makuta, and take his pwoers? And then kill everybody?This RPG has almost less stuff to it than War Zone, sadly.Final Analysis: Your history is too short, you don't detail the world or the factions at all, and you have no restrictions on any elements or powers other than shadow. You don't have an off limit items list, and your species list is kind of convoluted. On the plus side, if you actually lengthened everything out (and, honestly, I would change the name, but that's just me), you might have a pretty decent RPG idea. There's just not really anything there to judge it on, which is a downer. Still, we have plenty of time before the contest begins, so it still has time to be worked on. -Toa Levacius Zehvor

Okay, I changed the RPG almost completely, but here's my answers.

• [*]Makuta now has the Nui Blaster, the weapon that fires earth, water, air, and fire.[*]Story updated[*]The Agori have a similar structure to toa. Toa stones work with agori like they do with matoran.[*]The weapons are now something like guns, with elemental bullets with specific properties.[*]The maze is the one depicted on Skrall, the one with the power core used to power the prototype robot. It's in the original storyline.[*]You're right. Shadow powers are now online.[*]Your choice what you want to do. I'm just giving the main goals.[*]No, I'm not changing the title. Makutalypse has a sort of corny coolness to it. Why not have a fun, quirky name ? The idea is to bring attention the the game.

Thank you for the review. I hope you like the changes to the RPG. I might try to review your work or some other work soon.-Bane

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Oh, OK. I hadn't read that book, so I figured he had always been fairly dumb, even before Takadox constantly hypnotising him. Then again, Krekka can make anyone look like a genius. As for the physical differences, I suppose it can be a bit subjective (how big is big), so I'll give you that one too. If we go by movie size rather than set size, Krekka is really a lot bigger.

I thought they were pretty close, movie and set that is. Anyways, I fixed those errors up.

• [*]Makuta now has the Nui Blaster, the weapon that fires earth, water, air, and fire.[*]Story updated[*]The Agori have a similar structure to toa. Toa stones work with agori like they do with matoran.[*]The weapons are now something like guns, with elemental bullets with specific properties.[*]The maze is the one depicted on Skrall, the one with the power core used to power the prototype robot. It's in the original storyline.[*]You're right. Shadow powers are now online.[*]Your choice what you want to do. I'm just giving the main goals.[*]No, I'm not changing the title. Makutalypse has a sort of corny coolness to it. Why not have a fun, quirky name ? The idea is to bring attention the the game.

A few errors now -- All mutated in the pit were cured by Mata-Nui when he died for our sins repaired the world- Why are the Toa Nuva being granted authority? What right do they have to determine everything for everyone?- The Ice Tribe wasn't treacherous; just Metus.- Canonically, know, their biologies are not similar. Agori are some 90% organic, with the rest being mechanical structures and implants to strengthen them. Matoran, on the other hand, are some 80% mechanical, with only organic muscles and a few organs, like the brain. They also have a small amount of elemental energy in them, which Agori do not have.--- Additionally, Toa Stones do not immediately make you a Toa. To become a Toa you need a small amount of Toa Energy inside of you already, which is to say, 'destined' Matoran. Thus, even if Agori had the right biology, they couldn't become Toa because they don't have that Toa Energy necessary for the stone to transform them.- Species list is better, but still feels a bit... off.- The whole thing about elemental weaponry seems interesting and all, but more like a video game than a text RPG.And in any case, I'm still not sure if the whole thing about the Nui-Blaster really does anything. The weapon only fires elements, but it doesn't do anything beyond. Just let Makuta keeps his Kraata powers already! -Toa levacius Zehvor

[Elrond of Rivendell]

• [*]Correction: Pridak wasn't cured, as well as the inhabitants of the pit. Read Destiny War.[*]Because I say so [*]No, Strakk was too. And it says somwhere that the ice tribe was known for being traitorus[*]My world, remember? Their body structures are similar, so they count. Also, if agori did not have elemental energy inside them, how did Mata Nui give them the powers?[*]Species list is off... how? Did I not explain it enough?[*]Ouch. That was my coolest idea[*]Makuta needs to be debilitated somehow. He needs a major injury. If you have a better one, please tell me

-Bane

Edited June 7, 2012 by General Rocka's Bane

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

• [*]Correction: Pridak wasn't cured, as well as the inhabitants of the pit. Read Destiny War.[*]Because I say so [*]No, Strakk was too. And it says somwhere that the ice tribe was known for being traitorus[*]My world, remember? Their body structures are similar, so they count. Also, if agori did not have elemental energy inside them, how did Mata Nui give them the powers?[*]Species list is off... how? Did I not explain it enough?[*]Ouch. That was my coolest idea[*]Makuta needs to be debilitated somehow. He needs a major injury. If you have a better one, please tell me

-Bane

1. That was before Journeys End. That was before Mata-Nui fought Makuta. They were cured afterwards.2. Still, I can see plenty of people rebelling against that. Especially the Skakdi and Vortixx. All of the species would be demanding their own land.3. So two individuals. What about Gelu? Or Certavus, the legendary Glatorian? Or the Agori, Kirbold? What about Surel, the former Ice Tribe member with the Iron Wolves? Treacherous is the word you're looking for BTW.4. He gave them elemental powers using a legendary mask. He did not give them Toa power. Toa power is completely different.5. It just seems weird, but it's not a problem.6. Cool ideas can be cool but still not appropriate for the game. If Mass Effect 3 ended with Master Chief appearing and riding Sheperd like a pony while killing all of the Reapers, it would be cool, but still completely wrong in every way.7. Why? Why does he need to be debilitated? He's the main bad guy. It's the good guys who get weakened, not the bad guy.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Elrond of Rivendell]

• [*]Okay, that needs to be fixed. However, those people are now amphibians. They might learn to live in water. Nevertheless, I'll change it.[*]The jurisdictions allow the inhabitants to do what they want, within the reach of the law. Outside of that, they're hunted down as criminals. The underground is active, but not legalized.[*]Okay, you've made your point. I still like to think of them as shifty, though. Sort of like Vortixx with a bad attitude.[*]Toa power is not just energy, it's a mindset. Therefore, they could become toa, of a sort. If we want to get technical about it, sure, it wouldn't work. But it's fun to do anyways.[*]Okay. If anything comes to you, tell me[*]That depends on what you think as relative to the game. This is only the highest version of tech you can get, so you have an idea on how to base your technology on the times. If you want it, take it. If not, create something awesome[*]Makuta still got hit by a giant moon. He's got to feel it somehow. He's got to take a hit sooner or later. Besides, shadow power can be used in mysterious ways...

-Bane

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

• [*]Okay, that needs to be fixed. However, those people are now amphibians. They might learn to live in water. Nevertheless, I'll change it.[*]The jurisdictions allow the inhabitants to do what they want, within the reach of the law. Outside of that, they're hunted down as criminals. The underground is active, but not legalized.[*]Okay, you've made your point. I still like to think of them as shifty, though. Sort of like Vortixx with a bad attitude.[*]Toa power is not just energy, it's a mindset. Therefore, they could become toa, of a sort. If we want to get technical about it, sure, it wouldn't work. But it's fun to do anyways.[*]Okay. If anything comes to you, tell me[*]That depends on what you think as relative to the game. This is only the highest version of tech you can get, so you have an idea on how to base your technology on the times. If you want it, take it. If not, create something awesome[*]Makuta still got hit by a giant moon. He's got to feel it somehow. He's got to take a hit sooner or later. Besides, shadow power can be used in mysterious ways...

-Bane

2. Still seems like a terrible system of government.4. It's not possible, but it's your RPG. Keep the errors as you see fit.6. It's not the technology that's weird, it's the fact that "weapon types" and "ammo types" sounds like a video game, not a TBRPG.7. Why? Why does he have to feel it?Anyways, step aside ladies and ladies and gentlemen and taxidermy cats!IT'S....!

Toa Levacius Zehvors Flying Review of

Troubles of Dawn

... a really generic introduction and history. And zombies. Yay.....Relatively small island. Relative to what? The moon and the stars?How small is it? I see nothing giving actual distances or populations or anything.News Brick is gonna get smashed.I see very few things that aren't being restricted asides from race.Closing Thoughts: A short analysis for a really short RPG. There isn't much in this one either, just a moving island with a lost hero and zombies. Where you can only play a Matoran or Toa. I don't see anything exceptional or different about it really. I would like to see this RPG have some more things added to it, maybe broaden the history, possibly give it some factions or a little more emphasis on the antagonist of the plot, which is stated in the history as being these zombie things. You need to put a little more working into this, then we might see a good RPG. It just seems a little bit too much like a WIP right now.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Kal the Guardian]

Ok, so City of the Dead looks amazing. Enuf sed.

Dusk Coliseum

Intro: So, really bad guy who should have gotten the death penalty somehow captures powerful beings adn forces them to dance to his music. Interesting concept. I like the whole prisoner feel, although this is lifted as you move on and explain the locations. Although I would think he would be routed by now, or even killed by one of those captured. Just how strong are these machines of his to first knock you out, keep you there, and yet be destroyed in matches?Profiles: They are fine, if layed out differently than how I normally see them. One question, however, if the six weapons. How could anyone possible carry around six (yes, just two for matches) with them anywhere? Unless five of them are knives. Also, traditionally, the profiles are presented later in an RPG.Locations: The Main Arena, are there stands for other prisoners to watch? Otherwise, a solid enough location. The Keep, are these rooms the only way for prisoners to watch the matches? Makes sense, I guess. Training Room, why would you let the prisoners train and interact? Lokar must not be thinking straight. Rest before Death, and now the prisoners are being treated nice, less and less like prisoners and more like participants. I must say this lowers the whole trapped feel.Claw Tree Forest, flying?Healing Waters, if contestants, sorry, prisoners come to these to heal, why hasn't Lokar found out about it yet? Doesn't he see everything through his machines?Shrine of the Fallen, now, who approved this? Yet another thing that doesn't make sense unless Lokar uses it as an intimidation factor.Mud Fall Hill, prisoners relaxing? Is Lokar running a resort or a prison camp? I am more confused as to what is actually going on as I read this.The Forge, this is cool.Fatal Sentence, wouldn't the rock need to be balanced to place the prisoners there, and then unballanced for the execution? And is it connected to a beam in the middle, or does the rock smash to the groud each execution and need to be replaced?Match Varients: I agree with Zev, is this Halo? Although I love Halo, so no hate here.Ranks: Reasonable enough, and yet still a number system. Although its not too much of one, and will probably work.Rules: Uh, these could be added to. Just look at the other RPGs up.Overall: Well, this interesting idea mellows out as we read farther into it. The base concept is awesome, and I can see this RPG going places, but as of now I will not be voting for it. Good luck in the contest, and be sure to improve your RPG as the month moves along!

[ZTG]

Time for a Reciew on Coty of the DeadOkay so apparently an earthquake happens and Merru is screwed up, and now like a post-apocalyptic movie scene like from 2012 (WHICH SUCKS), and now you have to join a faction to live or survive on your own.And the begging is so dramatic yea well so was the fan base of Justin burner when he hit pubirty, but looks like stuff is going down.Okay we have the covenant forces from Halo apperently and a big bug infestation which can be incinerated by tower of fire.Alright so what we need now is a list, of people your supposed I know but don't remember 100% like the states of America.So the metrus are screwed up and Ga-Metru is a bad neighborhood cause the base I evil is near by it, only an cool dude would go into enemy territory!So now we have a breakout, of animals so get animal control to save the day!So..Tridax is the boss, ain't terry suppose to be in charge of Metru Nui? Terry: Hey Tridax, your in charge I Metru Nui for a while, I'm gonna go do evil stuffTridax: Sure thing boss!Wow, lots of people on the wanted list, I mean not even axxon can save us now!As for the crud around the place I'll use Psionic powers to clear a path, life is dandy and bubble gum.So it's basically a map we know by heart just screwed up by a disaster who was a ##### being all like U mad bros?Final Thoughts: This is really awesome, the story is pretty good and the way you placed the setting is awesome and dange rid at every turn! I'm a little confused on the Tridax thin but whatever.I'm did definatly votin for this!

Edited June 8, 2012 by Zacax

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

This RPG focuses mostly on being smart, but if intelligence is your dump stat, we've got something for you, too! We're gonna mention the Great Beings just to make things more mysterious, and maps, because we know some of you have an unexplained love of them (Levacius). Smart people will alter the story. Lol JK, there's like 20 GM's so your choices as a PC mean nothing! BWAWAWAAHHAHA!

Kirse

Review of the Great Beings

Our history beings with ominous writings. Afterwards, the GM introduces the setting of our story, and continues with an explanation of the worlds natural ecology. He tells us of the ancient past, of wars, and plans of the mysterious Great Beings. Despite the veiled words, we all know he's talking about the Core War and the shattering and making it sound cooler. Then, the mysterious great beings are attacked. Then, we are told about the McGuffins, and how the Great Beings ended. Then we learn the pricce of barbarism, and of splinter groups.Finally, the McGuffins are explained, along with the first faction. And then we are told more about how much everything sucks because everything sucks for these people! Rahhgg!And then everything is summarized in plain English. The end.Okay, there needs to be some kind of mass Agori holocaust in this city. Otherwise, everybody is going to die. We'll start with the Fire Agori. Those guys are just asking for it.Spice? OMG I can't resist it. HE WHO CONTROLS THE SPICE CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE! WORMSIGN!That'd scare these people up good.The Nui-Jaga. Neutral Good.Freerunners. Chaotic Neutral.Poisoned Blood. Chaotic EvilThe Shades. True Neutral.(I propose their new symbol be a Zerg Rush)The Nightguard. Lawful Good.... wait. Reichenbach? The insane creep dude in Techna? ABORT ABORT ABORT!The Brakas. Chaotic Neutral.So here's my question - why are they still using a money system? In this case, the barter system is much more practical, and much easier. And you know the worth of the object, instead of having it deemed based on a simple currency.Your map is obviously a man. Somebody else can have this one.Nui Jaga violent for the base defense.Freerunners do not impress me.The Cheesy Fortress. This place sounds like a walking cliche.What I looked up the word 'Asphodel', I pulled up some ugly looking plant. A plant used for making cheese!The Watchtower. Relax, it's only a model.Beastworks? Sure, but Robin works better. If we're talking about Teen Titans or something.The Ruins. Because everything is better with ruins.The Laboratory. I wonder if they have a souvenier shop.The Bazaar sounds like a great place to start a fight.The inhabitants section was cheesy, but the last part ended with so much win that I can't help but wonder if Vorex or Kal were responsible for making it.Basic profile. Totally a Bone Hunter in the Nightguard just for the awesomes.Arrogance isn't a weakness? You've never seen me play Levacius in something like Dreamland. Dudes completely insane (also skilled enough to counter it). Really, you're just saying acting crazy isn't a weakness, but schitzophrenia is. What about ADD? No, wait... my Computers teacher had ADD and I wouldn't call that a weakness. He called it an advantage even. AD&D would be too. Hubert has AD&D.How many NPCs must I kill to get that Makuta? Because I'll kill them, dang it.Hubert's totally getting a Frostelus. I might not have entered Elementum this contest, but the reason that I added Frostelus to them was just for him. Totally.Poisoned Blood dude is a total meanie head.No one is invincible, not even the staff. Which basically means the staff can be harmed. Which basically means I'm murdering every single staffie I see with a crossbow!If something goes wrong I'm blaming Kal.Rewards - killing the leaders of all the factions and becoming ruler of the city.And there you have it folks. The largest staff list every conceived in the history of forever. I think they met up in BZPRPG one day and said, "Dude, let's write an RPG." Or not. I dunno. BZPRPG just feels so wrong. All of those topics... it's like a maze.Final Analysis: Nope, didn't see any errors. I think I've said everything I wanted to say up ahove already. Good RPG, and if it wins, you can count on seeing crossbow bolts showing up in places you didn't expect. Like your nose.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Toatapio Nuva]

Toa Levacius Zehvors Flying Review of

Troubles of Dawn

... a really generic introduction and history. And zombies. Yay.....Relatively small island. Relative to what? The moon and the stars?How small is it? I see nothing giving actual distances or populations or anything.

Wouldn't it be a bit silly if it said: "Relatively small compared to something?" It's just small, and I thought people could imagine the size themselves. Same with the population, I didn't want to go into too much detail.

News Brick is gonna get smashed.

Um, what?

I see very few things that aren't being restricted asides from race.

And here I thought I hardly restricted anything. o_O Could you specify a bit?

I would like to see this RPG have some more things added to it, maybe broaden the history, possibly give it some factions or a little more emphasis on the antagonist of the plot, which is stated in the history as being these zombie things.

My goal in making the RPG was specifically to make it short and simple. I, at least, have had problems reading through long RPG candidates, as I get bored very quickly, if there are a lot of factions and trivial details.While we're talking about details, could you specify some parts of your review? I appreciate the feedback. I'll see if I can mold the RPG a bit. :)PS. Your signature is as creepy as it can get. XD

[The Dark Chronicler]

This RPG focuses mostly on being smart, but if intelligence is your dump stat, we've got something for you, too! We're gonna mention the Great Beings just to make things more mysterious, and maps, because we know some of you have an unexplained love of them (Levacius). Smart people will alter the story. Lol JK, there's like 20 GM's so your choices as a PC mean nothing! BWAWAWAAHHAHA!

The Great Beings are wonderful for use in stories, no one really knows much about them. They work well if used correctly, and I hope that Kirse uses them in a different way. Twenty GMs... and the only thing they really do is set up the story. So far, I've already created five basic endings for the city, and they rely more heavily on how people act than the GMs. As a player in RPGs, I love having power in a story, so my main focus was to give the players that power.

Kirse

Review of the Great Beings

Our history beings with ominous writings. Afterwards, the GM introduces the setting of our story, and continues with an explanation of the worlds natural ecology. He tells us of the ancient past, of wars, and plans of the mysterious Great Beings. Despite the veiled words, we all know he's talking about the Core War and the shattering and making it sound cooler. Then, the mysterious great beings are attacked. Then, we are told about the McGuffins, and how the Great Beings ended. Then we learn the pricce of barbarism, and of splinter groups.Ominousness is something I quite like using. The history was a lot of fun to write, and the Core War and Shattering really are entertaining to write about, even if only in small detail. Though I have no idea what a McGuffin is. XD Finally, the McGuffins are explained, along with the first faction. And then we are told more about how much everything sucks because everything sucks for these people! Rahhgg!The city isn't exactly the most pleasant place, but it can be changed for the better if people wish to do so.And then everything is summarized in plain English. The end.The summary isn't exactly something I liked. XDOkay, there needs to be some kind of mass Agori holocaust in this city. Otherwise, everybody is going to die. We'll start with the Fire Agori. Those guys are just asking for it.Ooh, that sounds like a fun idea. Count me in! Though I'll be taking out the Jungle Agori. Nothing says population reduction like cutting down a few plants!Spice? OMG I can't resist it. HE WHO CONTROLS THE SPICE CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE! WORMSIGN!That'd scare these people up good.I feel that would probably be rather funny if I knew what it meant, or what it was from...The Nui-Jaga. Neutral Good.That sounds about right.Freerunners. Chaotic Neutral.Yeah, that fits them.Poisoned Blood. Chaotic EvilSums them up nicely.The Shades. True Neutral.(I propose their new symbol be a Zerg Rush)I have no idea what a Zerg Rush is, but you have them right.The Nightguard. Lawful Good.... wait. Reichenbach? The insane creep dude in Techna? ABORT ABORT ABORT!I know, maddening, isn't it? Insane creepy guy in charge of what could possibly be called the good guys? I kind of find it humorous myself.The Brakas. Chaotic Neutral.Or just plain chaotic, that fits them too. XDSo here's my question - why are they still using a money system? In this case, the barter system is much more practical, and much easier. And you know the worth of the object, instead of having it deemed based on a simple currency.That is rather close to what I intended for this. I thought that items would make up the currency, and possibly the occasional coin of valuable metal, metals that can be melted down to build machines, armor, and weaponsYour map is obviously a man. Somebody else can have this one.A man? I don't see it...Nui Jaga violent for the base defense.Violence is a useful tool indeed.Freerunners do not impress me.Yeah...The Cheesy Fortress. This place sounds like a walking cliche.Except it isn't, because it can't walk. . Yeah, I took inspiration out of history for this one, creating a weakened castle. But at least I didn't have it painted black, with torn banners of an evil empire hanging from the walls. XDWhat I looked up the word 'Asphodel', I pulled up some ugly looking plant. A plant used for making cheese!The Asphodel Meadows were part of the Greek underworld... Though now you're giving me the idea to make a true Cheesy Fortress with that plant.The Watchtower. Relax, it's only a model.Yep, stone statues aren't really all that scary. But Vorex wanted them, and wanted it to describe them as terrifying.Beastworks? Sure, but Robin works better. If we're talking about Teen Titans or something.Now that is a joke I actually understand, shocking enough. But I think Cyborg better fits this city.The Ruins. Because everything is better with ruins.The best place to search for treasure, or die trying! The Laboratory. I wonder if they have a souvenier shop.Probably do. You can bring in your dead foes and have them melted down into a nice statue of yourself.The Bazaar sounds like a great place to start a fight.Of course it does. XDThe inhabitants section was cheesy, but the last part ended with so much win that I can't help but wonder if Vorex or Kal were responsible for making it.Nah, that was all me. From the cheesy to the end. I didn't like most of it, but it works for people who don't want to read over the faction information.Basic profile. Totally a Bone Hunter in the Nightguard just for the awesomes.Sounds like a rather cool combination. I'd recommend a Thornax launcher and maybe a catchphrase about if his foe feels lucky.Arrogance isn't a weakness? You've never seen me play Levacius in something like Dreamland. Dudes completely insane (also skilled enough to counter it). Really, you're just saying acting crazy isn't a weakness, but schitzophrenia is. What about ADD? No, wait... my Computers teacher had ADD and I wouldn't call that a weakness. He called it an advantage even. AD&D would be too. Hubert has AD&D.Arrogance can harm you just as much as most emotions can, but they really don't prove much of a weakness in battle. If done right, I suppose they could, but I'm just trying to keep the game fair. I'd rather not have people with weaknesses just saying 'has a bad temper'. Arrogance and insanity are rather different, they can't really be compared.How many NPCs must I kill to get that Makuta? Because I'll kill them, dang it.You could kill someone who has one and take their body to the lab, have the organic remains removed, and fuse with it yourself. Or earn one, but stealing from corpses is more fun.Hubert's totally getting a Frostelus. I might not have entered Elementum this contest, but the reason that I added Frostelus to them was just for him. Totally.The same here, Hubert and a Frostelus are the perfect match. Though I had to balance out their powers for this...Poisoned Blood dude is a total meanie head.Yes he is, though he's not a very powerful one.No one is invincible, not even the staff. Which basically means the staff can be harmed. Which basically means I'm murdering every single staffie I see with a crossbow!It might be a little tricky to do so, but it can be done as easily as killing another player's characters... which is never easy. Plus, I hear a crossbow bolt in your corpse is all the rage right now.If something goes wrong I'm blaming Kal.Close enough. XDRewards - killing the leaders of all the factions and becoming ruler of the city.Very well a possibility, but a rather challenging thing to accomplish with others likely trying the same.And there you have it folks. The largest staff list every conceived in the history of forever. I think they met up in BZPRPG one day and said, "Dude, let's write an RPG." Or not. I dunno. BZPRPG just feels so wrong. All of those topics... it's like a maze.Yeah, it is indeed a large list... I though about shrinking it for this time entering, but each of us has contributed quite a lot to the story. It was more along the lines of me writingup a less than impressive RPG, picking a diversity of people with different skills to become the Kirse Team. Then working together to make the RPG better. So while the list is longer than most, it hopefully means that there will always be someone on the staff available to speak to at any time.Final Analysis: Nope, didn't see any errors. I think I've said everything I wanted to say up ahove already. Good RPG, and if it wins, you can count on seeing crossbow bolts showing up in places you didn't expect. Like your nose.Glad to see that you thought it was a good RPG. I don't really like nose piercings myself... they look rather painful, so maybe you could try not shooting my nose? XD. Though I have a bad feeling that crossbow bolts will bring about a certain videogame phase...-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Kal the Guardian]

lol time for another review

Waves of the South

Intro: "So many travelled, yes so much more left unexplored!" Uh, yes so much? Otherwise, I absolutely love this opening. It hits all the right buttons and totally has me hooked before I see the rest of the RPG. Seriously, the first time I was reading it, I seriously knew I was going to vote for it at this point.History: Surprisingly short, for you, that is. Good job! You give us enough information to make us realize this place is real and has a history, yet you don't bore us with details only you, I, and a few select others find interesting. Vamden seems a fair ruler, but... Gremost's "passing" is suspicious if you ask me.Atlas: Would you kindly make the words on the map more distinct in the small version? Only complaint here, otherwise, it's a colored pencil masterpiece. I should know, I've had a few of those maps over the years. Locations are, well, unique in that they are bland and yet fascinating at the same time. I love the people of interest. Although I would say beings just because they aren't people per say. Leaving the map? Encouraged? You just gained yourself another vote.. on top of.. my other one. Species: So no custom? *looks in profile creation* Ah, custom, there we go. I call a Vahki, because that makes sense! Prime Species: "There are two or six..." Do you mean two of six? Anyway, I like how this provides us with even more information into the background of the lives of everyday beings on and near this island of Yheyn (Which makes me think of China for some reason).Factions: Ha! This is where you shine this time. All of these are perfect for the world you present, and I couldn't see this RPG without them. I'm surprised there wasn't more of them. XDCreate a Faction: Wow that's a lot of characters.Create a Character: A lot is explained here. Nice, sir.Rules: Meh, rules.GM: Ok the time idea is cool, even moreso for voting to skip forward a day.Traveling: And that's where this RPG will shine, unlike mine, where you were forced to walk for like 20 posts. Overall: Sea monsters. I'm... surprised to say that the way you write this RPG leaves me, well, not wanting to face any. Which is good considering that you don't want to throw super monsters at us. Although that won't stop me from finding and befriending a new race of jellyfish that are ready to rule the world and just needed that small push in the right (Yheyn) direction.Oh, that's right, overall. Overall, I find this RPG to be well writen and completely awesome. I love the idea and how everything feels and fits into place as you're reading it. I was coming up with characters as I read it for the first time. That doesn't happen a lot for me. As of right now, I will be voting for this RPG when the time comes. Good luck in the RPG contest!

Edited June 8, 2012 by Kal the Guardian

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Toa Levacius Zehvors Flying Review of

Troubles of Dawn

... a really generic introduction and history. And zombies. Yay.....Relatively small island. Relative to what? The moon and the stars?How small is it? I see nothing giving actual distances or populations or anything.

Wouldn't it be a bit silly if it said: "Relatively small compared to something?" It's just small, and I thought people could imagine the size themselves. Same with the population, I didn't want to go into too much detail.

News Brick is gonna get smashed.

Um, what?

I see very few things that aren't being restricted asides from race.

And here I thought I hardly restricted anything. o_O Could you specify a bit?

I would like to see this RPG have some more things added to it, maybe broaden the history, possibly give it some factions or a little more emphasis on the antagonist of the plot, which is stated in the history as being these zombie things.

My goal in making the RPG was specifically to make it short and simple. I, at least, have had problems reading through long RPG candidates, as I get bored very quickly, if there are a lot of factions and trivial details.While we're talking about details, could you specify some parts of your review? I appreciate the feedback. I'll see if I can mold the RPG a bit. :)PS. Your signature is as creepy as it can get. XD

1. You state 'relatively small'. You can just say small. :P2. You say news comes from the News Brick. I'm telling you News Brick has a lower Armor Class against hammers.3. That was a typo on my part; I meant to say that I don't see anything being restricted besides race. Trust me, you don't want a Toa of Gravity with an Olmak strutting around.4. I'm the man who ended up writing a 5,000 word History for his first RPG and had to shorten it just to make it available to the public for future submissions. I'm not much for short RPGs, especially not ones like War Zone. But that's more of personal taste.And yes, the cat is as creepy as it gets. Some Dutch guy took his dead cat and stuffed it, then stuck it on a hover device and used it as a demonstration of what is wrong with humanity.So yeah, somebody just posted a response just like you did while I was writing this. Yay.

This RPG focuses mostly on being smart, but if intelligence is your dump stat, we've got something for you, too! We're gonna mention the Great Beings just to make things more mysterious, and maps, because we know some of you have an unexplained love of them (Levacius). Smart people will alter the story. Lol JK, there's like 20 GM's so your choices as a PC mean nothing! BWAWAWAAHHAHA!

The Great Beings are wonderful for use in stories, no one really knows much about them. They work well if used correctly, and I hope that Kirse uses them in a different way. Twenty GMs... and the only thing they really do is set up the story. So far, I've already created five basic endings for the city, and they rely more heavily on how people act than the GMs. As a player in RPGs, I love having power in a story, so my main focus was to give the players that power.

Kirse

Review of the Great Beings

Our history beings with ominous writings. Afterwards, the GM introduces the setting of our story, and continues with an explanation of the worlds natural ecology. He tells us of the ancient past, of wars, and plans of the mysterious Great Beings. Despite the veiled words, we all know he's talking about the Core War and the shattering and making it sound cooler. Then, the mysterious great beings are attacked. Then, we are told about the McGuffins, and how the Great Beings ended. Then we learn the pricce of barbarism, and of splinter groups.Ominousness is something I quite like using. The history was a lot of fun to write, and the Core War and Shattering really are entertaining to write about, even if only in small detail. Though I have no idea what a McGuffin is. XD Finally, the McGuffins are explained, along with the first faction. And then we are told more about how much everything sucks because everything sucks for these people! Rahhgg!The city isn't exactly the most pleasant place, but it can be changed for the better if people wish to do so.And then everything is summarized in plain English. The end.The summary isn't exactly something I liked. XDOkay, there needs to be some kind of mass Agori holocaust in this city. Otherwise, everybody is going to die. We'll start with the Fire Agori. Those guys are just asking for it.Ooh, that sounds like a fun idea. Count me in! Though I'll be taking out the Jungle Agori. Nothing says population reduction like cutting down a few plants!Spice? OMG I can't resist it. HE WHO CONTROLS THE SPICE CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE! WORMSIGN!That'd scare these people up good.I feel that would probably be rather funny if I knew what it meant, or what it was from...The Nui-Jaga. Neutral Good.That sounds about right.Freerunners. Chaotic Neutral.Yeah, that fits them.Poisoned Blood. Chaotic EvilSums them up nicely.The Shades. True Neutral.(I propose their new symbol be a Zerg Rush)I have no idea what a Zerg Rush is, but you have them right.The Nightguard. Lawful Good.... wait. Reichenbach? The insane creep dude in Techna? ABORT ABORT ABORT!I know, maddening, isn't it? Insane creepy guy in charge of what could possibly be called the good guys? I kind of find it humorous myself.The Brakas. Chaotic Neutral.Or just plain chaotic, that fits them too. XDSo here's my question - why are they still using a money system? In this case, the barter system is much more practical, and much easier. And you know the worth of the object, instead of having it deemed based on a simple currency.That is rather close to what I intended for this. I thought that items would make up the currency, and possibly the occasional coin of valuable metal, metals that can be melted down to build machines, armor, and weaponsYour map is obviously a man. Somebody else can have this one.A man? I don't see it...Nui Jaga violent for the base defense.Violence is a useful tool indeed.Freerunners do not impress me.Yeah...The Cheesy Fortress. This place sounds like a walking cliche.Except it isn't, because it can't walk. . Yeah, I took inspiration out of history for this one, creating a weakened castle. But at least I didn't have it painted black, with torn banners of an evil empire hanging from the walls. XDWhat I looked up the word 'Asphodel', I pulled up some ugly looking plant. A plant used for making cheese!The Asphodel Meadows were part of the Greek underworld... Though now you're giving me the idea to make a true Cheesy Fortress with that plant.The Watchtower. Relax, it's only a model.Yep, stone statues aren't really all that scary. But Vorex wanted them, and wanted it to describe them as terrifying.Beastworks? Sure, but Robin works better. If we're talking about Teen Titans or something.Now that is a joke I actually understand, shocking enough. But I think Cyborg better fits this city.The Ruins. Because everything is better with ruins.The best place to search for treasure, or die trying! The Laboratory. I wonder if they have a souvenier shop.Probably do. You can bring in your dead foes and have them melted down into a nice statue of yourself.The Bazaar sounds like a great place to start a fight.Of course it does. XDThe inhabitants section was cheesy, but the last part ended with so much win that I can't help but wonder if Vorex or Kal were responsible for making it.Nah, that was all me. From the cheesy to the end. I didn't like most of it, but it works for people who don't want to read over the faction information.Basic profile. Totally a Bone Hunter in the Nightguard just for the awesomes.Sounds like a rather cool combination. I'd recommend a Thornax launcher and maybe a catchphrase about if his foe feels lucky.Arrogance isn't a weakness? You've never seen me play Levacius in something like Dreamland. Dudes completely insane (also skilled enough to counter it). Really, you're just saying acting crazy isn't a weakness, but schitzophrenia is. What about ADD? No, wait... my Computers teacher had ADD and I wouldn't call that a weakness. He called it an advantage even. AD&D would be too. Hubert has AD&D.Arrogance can harm you just as much as most emotions can, but they really don't prove much of a weakness in battle. If done right, I suppose they could, but I'm just trying to keep the game fair. I'd rather not have people with weaknesses just saying 'has a bad temper'. Arrogance and insanity are rather different, they can't really be compared.How many NPCs must I kill to get that Makuta? Because I'll kill them, dang it.You could kill someone who has one and take their body to the lab, have the organic remains removed, and fuse with it yourself. Or earn one, but stealing from corpses is more fun.Hubert's totally getting a Frostelus. I might not have entered Elementum this contest, but the reason that I added Frostelus to them was just for him. Totally.The same here, Hubert and a Frostelus are the perfect match. Though I had to balance out their powers for this...Poisoned Blood dude is a total meanie head.Yes he is, though he's not a very powerful one.No one is invincible, not even the staff. Which basically means the staff can be harmed. Which basically means I'm murdering every single staffie I see with a crossbow!It might be a little tricky to do so, but it can be done as easily as killing another player's characters... which is never easy. Plus, I hear a crossbow bolt in your corpse is all the rage right now.If something goes wrong I'm blaming Kal.Close enough. XDRewards - killing the leaders of all the factions and becoming ruler of the city.Very well a possibility, but a rather challenging thing to accomplish with others likely trying the same.And there you have it folks. The largest staff list every conceived in the history of forever. I think they met up in BZPRPG one day and said, "Dude, let's write an RPG." Or not. I dunno. BZPRPG just feels so wrong. All of those topics... it's like a maze.Yeah, it is indeed a large list... I though about shrinking it for this time entering, but each of us has contributed quite a lot to the story. It was more along the lines of me writingup a less than impressive RPG, picking a diversity of people with different skills to become the Kirse Team. Then working together to make the RPG better. So while the list is longer than most, it hopefully means that there will always be someone on the staff available to speak to at any time.Final Analysis: Nope, didn't see any errors. I think I've said everything I wanted to say up ahove already. Good RPG, and if it wins, you can count on seeing crossbow bolts showing up in places you didn't expect. Like your nose.Glad to see that you thought it was a good RPG. I don't really like nose piercings myself... they look rather painful, so maybe you could try not shooting my nose? XD. Though I have a bad feeling that crossbow bolts will bring about a certain videogame phase...-Toa Levacius Zehvor

1. So anyways... KARZ IT KAL I JUST STARTED WRITING! Well now you have to wait. Or scroll down.ANYWAYS! It's a joke. I'm just concerned that if too many GMs get involved, then there number of characters, who have power over numerous NPCs, begin to overshadow the PCs. I'm not an avid fan of making faction-controlling NPCs into the PCs, but as long as it's just one leader per staffie, then it shouldn't be a problem.2. The MacGuffin, as explained by Wikipedia. And yes, I love wriitng histories and doing maps.3. Sadly, playing evil characters is more fun.4. Yes, but it served a purpose.5. Then we can tag team those Water guys.6. Dune. I'm surprised you didn't at least get the reference. Me? Very little knowledge of the book, considering I was named after a character in it.7,8,9. Yep.10. Ask Hubert.11. I'm scared, man.12. Chaotic Neutral is plain Chaotic. Nothings more Chaotic. Except CBZP (Chaotic BZPan)13. Definitely Exsidian. That stuffs worth something. I did my Bara Magna homework when writing up my character profile, and it turns out Exsidian is as close to protosteel as we can get in this dump.14. I can tell the gender of inanimate objects. Don't ask.15&16. Yup.17. Do you really want to bet that I can't make this castle walk? :P18. Wikipedia is good for homework too. Just don't copy+paste. The teachers have magic programs they use for that. Not that I would know.19. That was a perfect Monty Python joke and you just let it sit there.20. Finally!21. Never play Daggerfall, man. You're just walking through a dungeon, Level 3, and suddenly A HARPY APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND ATTACKS YOU WITH ITS TALONS AND OH GOD RUN RUN MAN RUN!22&23. Yup.24. Well now you're just more awesome.25. Speaking of that, does not having depth perception count as a weakness?26. Yup.27. Being evil gets you much better loot.28&29. Yup.30. So is an arrow to the knee.31. We're not gonna blame you, just him. :P32. Well they're all copying me. I'm the hipster who was doing it before it was cool. In this RPG.33. It's the dream team.34. Don't worry man, the crossbow takes a long time to reload. Taking out your nose would a waste of time. Only place it's going is the heart or head.So yeah, time for Kal.

lol time for another review

Waves of the South

Intro: "So many travelled, yes so much more left unexplored!" Uh, yes so much? Otherwise, I absolutely love this opening. It hits all the right buttons and totally has me hooked before I see the rest of the RPG. Seriously, the first time I was reading it, I seriously knew I was going to vote for it at this point.History: Surprisingly short, for you, that is. Good job! You give us enough information to make us realize this place is real and has a history, yet you don't bore us with details only you, I, and a few select others find interesting. Vamden seems a fair ruler, but... Gremost's "passing" is suspicious if you ask me.Atlas: Would you kindly make the words on the map more distinct in the small version? Only complaint here, otherwise, it's a colored pencil masterpiece. I should know, I've had a few of those maps over the years. Locations are, well, unique in that they are bland and yet fascinating at the same time. I love the people of interest. Although I would say beings just because they aren't people per say. Leaving the map? Encouraged? You just gained yourself another vote.. on top of.. my other one. Species: So no custom? *looks in profile creation* Ah, custom, there we go. I call a Vahki, because that makes sense! Prime Species: "There are two or six..." Do you mean two of six? Anyway, I like how this provides us with even more information into the background of the lives of everyday beings on and near this island of Yheyn (Which makes me think of China for some reason).Factions: Ha! This is where you shine this time. All of these are perfect for the world you present, and I couldn't see this RPG without them. I'm surprised there wasn't more of them. XDCreate a Faction: Wow that's a lot of characters.Create a Character: A lot is explained here. Nice, sir.Rules: Meh, rules.GM: Ok the time idea is cool, even moreso for voting to skip forward a day.Traveling: And that's where this RPG will shine, unlike mine, where you were forced to walk for like 20 posts. Overall: Sea monsters. I'm... surprised to say that the way you write this RPG leaves me, well, not wanting to face any. Which is good considering that you don't want to throw super monsters at us. Although that won't stop me from finding and befriending a new race of jellyfish that are ready to rule the world and just needed that small push in the right (Yheyn) direction.Oh, that's right, overall. Overall, I find this RPG to be well writen and completely awesome. I love the idea and how everything feels and fits into place as you're reading it. I was coming up with characters as I read it for the first time. That doesn't happen a lot for me. As of right now, I will be voting for this RPG when the time comes. Good luck in the RPG contest!

1. Typhos? Mea? Nauuuhh! :P2. Yeah, I was going for the more 'to the point' rout. I'm sure the Rebellion would agree with you.3. The actual map, which I keep next to my desk next to my collection of ex-girlfriends other maps, has about another half or so towards the south that needs to be filled out. I wonder what's down there....(No seriously, I wonder, it'll be totally on the spot.)Wish I could make the words more clear, but i really can't. I don't have very good software for photoediting (aka MS Paint) and my photocopier is older than most 6 year old children.4. Moar typhos? And China, huh? Interesting.5. There was, but a lot were cut out before I brought it to the Planning Topic. I think I cut out two of them; one was the current-age Justiciars, but TPTI suggested I leave that open to somebody rebuilding on their own. And maybe another. I dunno, I'm tired and can't straight think.7&8. Thanks.9. Rules are rules. Gotta have 'em.10. One of the possible conclusions of this RPG is most of the players asking for a two week skip. If it comes to that, a lot of secrets will have been revealed, and the alignment axis will fall off balance like a rockclimber during an 8.0 earthquake.11. Yeah. In a perfect world, travelling would lead to increased interaction of characters from the roleplaying point... and allow pirates to do pirate things.12. They're actually shrimp, but you're close enough.More happy reviews mean more happy me. So yeah, thanks Kal. I'll get a review up for your RPG at some point within probably the next two to three days based on my review rate. Just gonna fix mai typhos.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Toatapio Nuva]

Toa Levacius Zehvors Flying Review of

Troubles of Dawn

... a really generic introduction and history. And zombies. Yay.....Relatively small island. Relative to what? The moon and the stars?How small is it? I see nothing giving actual distances or populations or anything.

Wouldn't it be a bit silly if it said: "Relatively small compared to something?" It's just small, and I thought people could imagine the size themselves. Same with the population, I didn't want to go into too much detail.

News Brick is gonna get smashed.

Um, what?

I see very few things that aren't being restricted asides from race.

And here I thought I hardly restricted anything. o_O Could you specify a bit?

I would like to see this RPG have some more things added to it, maybe broaden the history, possibly give it some factions or a little more emphasis on the antagonist of the plot, which is stated in the history as being these zombie things.

My goal in making the RPG was specifically to make it short and simple. I, at least, have had problems reading through long RPG candidates, as I get bored very quickly, if there are a lot of factions and trivial details.While we're talking about details, could you specify some parts of your review? I appreciate the feedback. I'll see if I can mold the RPG a bit. :)PS. Your signature is as creepy as it can get. XD

1. You state 'relatively small'. You can just say small. :P2. You say news comes from the News Brick. I'm telling you News Brick has a lower Armor Class against hammers.3. That was a typo on my part; I meant to say that I don't see anything being restricted besides race. Trust me, you don't want a Toa of Gravity with an Olmak strutting around.4. I'm the man who ended up writing a 5,000 word History for his first RPG and had to shorten it just to make it available to the public for future submissions. I'm not much for short RPGs, especially not ones like War Zone. But that's more of personal taste.And yes, the cat is as creepy as it gets. Some Dutch guy took his dead cat and stuffed it, then stuck it on a hover device and used it as a demonstration of what is wrong with humanity.So yeah, somebody just posted a response just like you did while I was writing this. Yay.

I still don't get your point about the News Brick, but otherwise I understand. Thanks a lot for the feedback, I'll make some changes to my entry. By the way, the Olmak is not allowed.

[The Lorax]

The Le-matoran Lorax's thoughts on The Shifting Sands:

I gasp. My head is reeling. My vision is blurry. My stomach is warring with my other intestines.

Is this Mata Nui thinking? Zakaz has invaded Stelt? Oh wait, you really do mean a literal stomach. That's too bad - I always wondered what the Great Spirit would feel like with a battle going on inside him.

I stand upright and view my surroundings, searching my mind for what has happened to me. I was just teleported, but to where, and why?

Another idea is hitting me. This is Axonn after Teridax sent him to the Southern Islands in Destiny War! Nope, wrong again. Where is this guy?...oh, now I understand. It's a game, sorta like monopoly. Control the board, and once you own most of it you get a shot at wiping out everyone else and leaving. Of course, this kill-and-escape game has potential to cause more fights than even monopoly, so well done to you.The concept makes me think of a cross between Trapped in a Map and Island of Pain. TiaM because the characters have been plucked from Mata Nui knows where and mind-wiped by some mysterious entity who is always watching, and IoP because we actually know what a way out might look like. Essentially, it's a fight for survival until we can escape. I ca roll with that. It looks fun.Shapers? Genius. I can't wait to get hold of one, though I'm not sure what I would do if I did. Do I make it a nice place for me and all my friends to come, gather supplies and launch and attack on others, or should I turn the whole thing into something so totally inhospitable and unconquerable that enemies are dissuaded from attacking and I get to keep that square? I'm not sure, but the possibilities are endless and intriguing. There aren't many RPGs where anybody can bend the environment to their will, so you get points ofr uniqueness and awesome here.The old guy didn't have any visable injuries? Weird, but I suppose there are a few explanations. I'll be interested to discover what the real one is.Will the map change as people start using shapers? It would be useful to see who has done what to where, but it could be a nightmare trying to keep up. Maybe the map wouldn't have to be changed if there was a list kept somewhere, maybe in the discussion thread.Just while I'm looking at the map, what is there to stop a character from just waiting on the edge of the central square and waiting for someone else to unlock it? Anyone who did that would have a better shot at winning the race that someone who fought long and hard to get squares and steal other poeples' territory. They would be fresher, with less injuries, and they will have less distance to travel than someone who needs to get there from the edge of the board where they got their 10th square.The old guy knew about BZP rules and meta-gaming? I see that you want to keep everything in the dead toa's papers, but you just shattered the fourth wall. In this situation would it be better to have the rules section OOC?Rules and profiles lifted straight out of Dreamland... pretty standard stuff here.I get to the end and... Finally! The title? A bit of an odd place to put it, but I suppose it works. You've kept us guessing throughout most of the intro, so it makes sense to hide the spoilers.Overall, I like what you've done here, trying to get player-driven storylines. If it wins, you will certainly get them. Good job.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Today, I hope to review the two RPGs of the people who already reviewed my RPGs. Since they're the next two on the list, apparently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey buddy, the hooks after the title drop. Don't waste your time looking up here.

Review of Transformation

Across the island, all was peaceful. Dawn with rosy fingertips rose up. Birds called, bugs hummed. The last day dawns on the Kingdom of Ascalon. It arrives with no fanfare, no tolling of alarms. And then people started screaming.I can't blame them. Skakdi are pretty creepy looking.The plot point had begun.All the birds were eaten and the bugs hit by Raid just to make a point.SUMMARY: Short, to the point history. I don't think you missed anything here. Setting is Zakaz, during the time where they were all changing. Oh, and the Makuta is gone, which makes it a lot harder to kill him. I guess I can kill some visorak and get a boat...So, Nektannw as a bad apple from the start. Expected, I guess. Weeks, months, and years? Geez, how many contests do you think this is going to win? :PSTORY SO FAR: So an explanation of what's happening right now. When you say 'rumors are flying' and then say 'skakdi' I immediately think of a flying Skakdi. So I'm gonna have one. So, possible cures may be around, and there's Visorak trying to stop me. Alright...FACTIONS: Three pretty believable factions. I for one shall be going for a member of Makuta's Devotees at least with one character, because that's how I roll. Oh, and neutral people. Yay! Civilians are worth bonus points.Here are two maps of Zakaz. The first shows the island and the nari borders, the other only shows landmarks. Some important location are described below, in the state they were before Spiriah released his viruses.GEOGRAPHY: Oh, you've got both maps up this time. And your own Skakdi language, which is pretty neat. Nice areas that should provide a large amount of variable environments and resources to fight over.500 bio.... that's a 2250 foot drop. That's... well, that's a huge waterfall. :POh, and a 225 foot tree with a 550 foot stretch because that's how we roll suckers! Luckily physics don't apply in a giant space robot. But that tree is going down when the Great Cataclysm comes. Unless I destroy it pre-emptively....ADDITIONAL: Tech, currency, what an unmutated Skakdi is...GAMEPLAY: Just want to say Masks of Elemental Energy are not unique. They're not very strong either, since they only work once.The legendary masks, for obvious reasons. Mask of Clairyvoyance isn't really that strong, either. Five character cap, and then profiles.NPCS: I pretty much never read these things, save for skimming. Oh, and look, a chance to play a Toa Hagah. Better get in there fast for the character profiles. Luckily I make the things in advance, so it's just copy-paste.RULES: Rules are rules.GLOSSARY: This is new and different, and I like it.CLOSING THOUGHTS: This is a good RPG that I like, to put it simply. I dont really have an issues with it, I think. Looking forward to playing the Hagah of Lightning and a flying Skakdi if it wins. -Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Kal the Guardian]

Wish I could make the words more clear, but i really can't. I don't have very good software for photoediting (aka MS Paint) and my photocopier is older than most 6 year old children.Gimp. It's what I use. Well, in conjunction with MS Paint because I haven't taken the time to learn everything about it.

Will the map change as people start using shapers? It would be useful to see who has done what to where, but it could be a nightmare trying to keep up. Maybe the map wouldn't have to be changed if there was a list kept somewhere, maybe in the discussion thread.Yeah, not sure how I'm gonna update it if it wins. Maybe I need a co-GM just for that purpose.Just while I'm looking at the map, what is there to stop a character from just waiting on the edge of the central square and waiting for someone else to unlock it? Anyone who did that would have a better shot at winning the race that someone who fought long and hard to get squares and steal other poeples' territory. They would be fresher, with less injuries, and they will have less distance to travel than someone who needs to get there from the edge of the board where they got their 10th square.There isn't, and that's the point. Technically, this isn't a game at all, so what's to stop it from being unfair? Plus who knows what it takes to win?The old guy knew about BZP rules and meta-gaming? I see that you want to keep everything in the dead toa's papers, but you just shattered the fourth wall. In this situation would it be better to have the rules section OOC?Fourth wall? I'm sorry, what is that? That's Levacius right there, dying to give us this information. No wall of fourth was broken. [/joking]Rules and profiles lifted straight out of Dreamland... pretty standard stuff here.Rules, yes. Profiles have been modified.Overall, I like what you've done here, trying to get player-driven storylines. If it wins, you will certainly get them. Good job.Ok, thanks for the review! I will review your RPG sometime today. And if I magically have no time today, it will be done "soon". XD

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

No title drop. Well I'm not paraphrasing this entire RPG before the title drop if it's like this.INTRODUCTION: All in 1st person, huh? And I assume not everyone is lucky enough to find a dying NPC willing to help them?As The Lorax said, this is the worlds most messed up game of monopoly. Here's one thing - I noticed that it says the central pad opens when one person controls 10 pads, but it doesn't specify that it needs to be that team. The way I see it, if I just spawn camp the central square, I can wait for the other losers to do everything for me, and just teleport out when the pad goes active.I'm willing to do that.Place sounds perfect for Elemental Powers of Sand.The whole grid ideas is pretty cool.I can't see the Wolves of Liberty happening in this place. :\Rules are rules.SImple profile.

Review of The Shifting Sands

Final Analysis: The RPG looks pretty danged interesting, and I imagine pretty fun to play. And I already found a glitch in the Matrix, as mentioned above, so I'm feeling pretty good about this. There's not too much to judge on because it's almost nothing but a sandbox (you're gonna get that pun a lot). And unlike War Zone, it has a set up and restrictions that'll let it run well. If it wins, I trust it will go well. -Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Kal the Guardian]

INTRODUCTION: All in 1st person, huh? And I assume not everyone is lucky enough to find a dying NPC willing to help them?Only the first being sent in. As The Lorax said, this is the worlds most messed up game of monopoly. Here's one thing - I noticed that it says the central pad opens when one person controls 10 pads, but it doesn't specify that it needs to be that team. The way I see it, if I just spawn camp the central square, I can wait for the other losers to do everything for me, and just teleport out when the pad goes active.10 squares? Hmm... I thought I changed that. (not that I miscalculated the first time or anything and then edited it..) But like I said to Mr. Lorax, this isn't fair. It's not a game, nor one controlled by rules. It takes one name or person to unite over half the grid and then who knows what it takes to actually activate the final Shaper, if it is indeed one. And who knows if it'll actually come to that. Players have a way of messing up how a world works. By the time we get to the end, players will probably have banded together in peace to end up breaking all of themselves out.Place sounds perfect for Elemental Powers of Sand.Oh? Did I say sand? How naughty of me, misdirecting you like that. I guess that's what I get for telling the story with the limited knowledge that comes with first person story telling.Final Analysis: The RPG looks pretty danged interesting, and I imagine pretty fun to play. And I already found a glitch in the Matrix, as mentioned above, so I'm feeling pretty good about this.Heh heh, not a glich, I knew it was there from the beginning. Which makes one wonder...There's not too much to judge on because it's almost nothing but a sandbox (you're gonna get that pun a lot).Yup, it's basically the opposite of what Dreamland was. And here you bring up sand again. What sand? And unlike War Zone, it has a set up and restrictions that'll let it run well. If it wins, I trust it will go well. Yeah, can't have an RPG without rules and restrictions, even if I have to bend the fourth wall by having you give the main character BZP rules and profiles. Yes I am sticking by my story of Levacius being the old guy who dies.

And thank you for the review! I'll review your RPG sometime soo- Oh wait. Man am I good at reviewing or what? Edited June 8, 2012 by Kal the Guardian

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

INTRODUCTION: All in 1st person, huh? And I assume not everyone is lucky enough to find a dying NPC willing to help them?Only the first being sent in. As The Lorax said, this is the worlds most messed up game of monopoly. Here's one thing - I noticed that it says the central pad opens when one person controls 10 pads, but it doesn't specify that it needs to be that team. The way I see it, if I just spawn camp the central square, I can wait for the other losers to do everything for me, and just teleport out when the pad goes active.10 squares? Hmm... I thought I changed that. (not that I miscalculated the first time or anything and then edited it..) But like I said to Mr. Lorax, this isn't fair. It's not a game, nor one controlled by rules. It takes one name or person to unite over half the grid and then who knows what it takes to actually activate the final Shaper, if it is indeed one. And who knows if it'll actually come to that. Players have a way of messing up how a world works. By the time we get to the end, players will probably have banded together in peace to end up breaking all of themselves out.Place sounds perfect for Elemental Powers of Sand.Oh? Did I say sand? How naughty of me, misdirecting you like that. I guess that's what I get for telling the story with the limited knowledge that comes with first person story telling.Final Analysis: The RPG looks pretty danged interesting, and I imagine pretty fun to play. And I already found a glitch in the Matrix, as mentioned above, so I'm feeling pretty good about this.Heh heh, not a glich, I knew it was there from the beginning. Which makes one wonder...There's not too much to judge on because it's almost nothing but a sandbox (you're gonna get that pun a lot).Yup, it's basically the opposite of what Dreamland was. And here you bring up sand again. What sand? And unlike War Zone, it has a set up and restrictions that'll let it run well. If it wins, I trust it will go well. Yeah, can't have an RPG without rules and restrictions, even if I have to bend the fourth wall by having you give the main character BZP rules and profiles. Yes I am sticking by my story of Levacius being the old guy who dies.

And thank you for the review! I'll review your RPG sometime soo- Oh wait. Man am I good at reviewing or what?

1. Yup2. It's actually 15, but I was too lazy to change my own review while I was writign it.3. Yeah, I figured that would be case. But since it looks like sand, you could just create real sand and cover yourself over. Then you could ambush people who came too close without any problems. And also, if you have complete control over the grid save central square with enough allied people, no individual controlling enough to make the central square activate, you could just turn the entire thing into a complete paradise.4. ... if you left it for yourself to exploit. :P5. It's still a good pun.6. Sorry, TD already killed old Levacius. Too late.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[The Lorax]

Today, I hope to review the two RPGs of the people who already reviewed my RPGs. Since they're the next two on the list, apparently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey buddy, the hooks after the title drop. Don't waste your time looking up here.

Review of Transformation

Across the island, all was peaceful. Dawn with rosy fingertips rose up. Birds called, bugs hummed. The last day dawns on the Kingdom of Ascalon. It arrives with no fanfare, no tolling of alarms. And then people started screaming.I can't blame them. Skakdi are pretty creepy looking.

Are they ever! In an amazingly cool sort of way. Still, if I woke up looking like one, I sure know I would be screaming.

The plot point had begun.All the birds were eaten and the bugs hit by Raid just to make a point.

That's a fair summation. I don't think Skakdi have Raid, but a mask of rahi control will do.

SUMMARY: Short, to the point history. I don't think you missed anything here. Setting is Zakaz, during the time where they were all changing. Oh, and the Makuta is gone, which makes it a lot harder to kill him. I guess I can kill some visorak and get a boat...

Don't worry, he'll be making a return quite quickly. I just had him leave to stick close-ish to canon and so I can write a scene on Destral where Teridax banishes him from the Brotherhood. It'll be cool.

So, Nektann as a bad apple from the start. Expected, I guess. Weeks, months, and years? Geez, how many contests do you think this is going to win?

The months and years can keep happening after the RPG ends, I suppose. We just won't know about them.

STORY SO FAR: So an explanation of what's happening right now. When you say 'rumors are flying' and then say 'skakdi' I immediately think of a flying Skakdi. So I'm gonna have one. So, possible cures may be around, and there's Visorak trying to stop me. Alright...

Flight is a perfectly acceptable third power for a Skakdi. Not a huge number of Visorak, but they might be a problem if you really annoy Spiriah or try to leave.

FACTIONS: Three pretty believable factions. I for one shall be going for a member of Makuta's Devotees at least with one character, because that's how I roll. Oh, and neutral people. Yay! Civilians are worth bonus points.Here are two maps of Zakaz. The first shows the island and the nari borders, the other only shows landmarks. Some important location are described below, in the state they were before Spiriah released his viruses.GEOGRAPHY: Oh, you've got both maps up this time. And your own Skakdi language, which is pretty neat. Nice areas that should provide a large amount of variable environments and resources to fight over.

Both maps up this time? You mean that one of them wasn't working last contest? Why did nobody tell me?I'm glad you like the locations. Of all the bits of this RPG, they were the most fun to write. Which makes it even more of a trajedy that the whole island got made into a wasteland. The map was cool to make as well. I traced the outline of the island from this image on BS01 so it would be canon-accurate.

500 bio.... that's a 2250 foot drop. That's... well, that's a huge waterfall.

It is only 685 meters high. Not nealy as big as Santo Angel in Venezuela. But yeah, still impressive.

Oh, and a 225 foot tree with a 550 foot stretch because that's how we roll suckers! Luckily physics don't apply in a giant space robot. But that tree is going down when the Great Cataclysm comes. Unless I destroy it pre-emptively....

Do it, I dare you. Make a Skakdi of plantlife and try to absorb it.

ADDITIONAL: Tech, currency, what an unmutated Skakdi is...GAMEPLAY: Just want to say Masks of Elemental Energy are not unique. They're not very strong either, since they only work once.The legendary masks, for obvious reasons. Mask of Clairyvoyance isn't really that strong, either. Five character cap, and then profiles.

I thought there was only one mask of EE in existance, but I could be wrong. My problem with a mask of Clairvoyance in a sandbox RPG like this is that you can never know for sure whether your prediction will come true without reading the GM's mind. Even then, other players could interfere and change things, making it very hard to have a (plot-important) vision and then make it come true. With that being unfeasible, all that's left is a disguised mask of meta-gaming.

NPCS: I pretty much never read these things, save for skimming. Oh, and look, a chance to play a Toa Hagah. Better get in there fast for the character profiles. Luckily I make the things in advance, so it's just copy-paste.

While you were skimming, did you click the link to the Nektann MoC? It's well worth a look. Again, credit to Toa Cehk for building it.As for the Toa Hagah, yeah, do get in quick. My only worry with these is that the players who take Hagah need to be the ones who will stick with the game and not drop out after a couple of weeks. That would slow down the story a lot. Maybe I could have a waiting list? As in, if a Hagah doesn't get at least one post every fortnight, they get given to a more active player

RULES: Rules are rules.GLOSSARY: This is new and different, and I like it.

I hope it will be useful to players to keep track of the new language. While I can't compete with Belthnor on Strange names, there are quite a few to remember. I'm glad I put it together too. If I hadn't, I would never have realised that I had named two different things "Mana". The canyon got changed to "Mara".

CLOSING THOUGHTS: This is a good RPG that I like, to put it simply. I dont really have an issues with it, I think. Looking forward to playing the Hagah of Lightning and a flying Skakdi if it wins. -Toa Levacius Zehvor

You don't have any issues with it? As I read this, my jaw is dropping through the floor. After seeing the way you pick holes in other RPGs, I was preparing as much duct-tape and puncture kits as possible. Guess you're going easy on me, or the enrty was better than I thought. Thanks a lot for the review. Edited June 9, 2012 by The Lorax

[Kal the Guardian]

3. Yeah, I figured that would be case. But since it looks like sand, you could just create real sand and cover yourself over. Then you could ambush people who came too close without any problems. And also, if you have complete control over the grid save central square with enough allied people, no individual controlling enough to make the central square activate, you could just turn the entire thing into a complete paradise.Yup! Obviously, that hasn't happened yet, but it is a possibility. Also, originally the sand was nano-bots, but that just didn't seem cool enough. So who knows, maybe it really is sand. Maybe it isn't. Dun dun dunnnn!4. ... if you left it for yourself to exploit. Maaaaybe... 5. It's still a good pun.Yesh6. Sorry, TD already killed old Levacius. Too late.What?! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Now how am I going to explain the fourth wall breakage?

lolwell might as well review something since I'm here.

Transformation

Intro: Wow, ok, really go intro. I love how it... Um... How it takes... And the, um... Maybe I should resize the title of the RPG. 'Cuz right now it's a little small. It doesn't really do it any justice. Ok, let's see here. I'll just- How about- And I got it. One sec....Ok here we go. For real this time.

Transformation

Intro: lolSkakdi____________________________________________________________________________________________

HI, GIRLS.

Oh, hi, Twilight, how's it go-

Great! Just GREAT.

heheIntro: Really, though, great opening. I love the peacefulness and the sudden horror. It makes it even better when we realize this peaceful village/island belongs to the Skakdi. Ok when we learn it in the summary that is.Summary: "The only sign is a squadron is Visorak he left to..." That needs to be fixed somehow. Otherwise, this idea is very nice. I like it. Being on Zakaz as it changes is a very awesome premise. Although I guess it does lower species selection. Story So Far: Ah, very good. This further fills us in on what's happening and things that we will be able to do without being too long winded.Factions: Short and sweet, I like them. They give details but aren't boring as details can be. The player created factions could be touched on a bit more, perhaps pulling from Lev's RPG, but otherwise I get the basic understanding.Locations: The map is fine, not amazing, but it definately helps us realize where things are. I like how there are two maps for borders and one just for landmarks. Bungee jumping doesn't have a "y" in it. Wow, wonderful locations. While being mistical and fantastic, they still make sense enough for us to believe in them. More nuggets of story information were dropped in as well, making it all the better.Additional Notes: Very, very nice way of clarifying some things.Gameplay: Ok, so this is more of a sandbox. Didn't see that coming. Well, obviously every RPG is a sandbox on some level, but you get what I mean. (I mean that I thought you had a specific story to tell us)Characters: "The mask of conjuring, because it it rediculously overpowered." Lol it it? The profile seems a bit lengthy, but understandably so. The NPC profiles are informative and being able to be a Toa Hagah, wow, those five spots will go fast.Rules: rules.Glossary: Now this is helpful. Very nice.Overall: Well, this is a good, well written RPG. The idea is promising, and the temptation of a sandbox even better. Skakdi might not appeal to some people, but then again they can just play as some other species then. I'd love to say I'm voting for it, but I need to read the rest of the submissions before I decide what my third vote will be. Good luck in the contest!

Edited June 8, 2012 by Kal the Guardian

[The Lorax]

hehe

You almost sucked me in with that fake sig and nothing-said review. It was a relief to scroll down. Nice prank though, I guess. This contest needs a bit of humor.

Intro: Really, though, great opening. I love the peacefulness and the sudden horror. It makes it even better when we realize this peaceful village/island belongs to the Skakdi. Ok when we learn it in the summary that is.

Not exactly what you would expect for the barbairans of BIONICLE is it? I think it fits with the theme of changes and things not being as they once were.

Summary: "The only sign is a squadron is Visorak he left to..." That needs to be fixed somehow. Otherwise, this idea is very nice. I like it. Being on Zakaz as it changes is a very awesome premise. Although I guess it does lower species selection.

Argh... I hate typos. Thanks for pointing that out though. It should be "squadron of visorak".

Story So Far: Ah, very good. This further fills us in on what's happening and things that we will be able to do without being too long winded.Factions: Short and sweet, I like them. They give details but aren't boring as details can be. The player created factions could be touched on a bit more, perhaps pulling from Lev's RPG, but otherwise I get the basic understanding.

Do you mean they should be more encouraged, or that there should be more of them? If you mean the first one, yeah, I think I will do something with that. Thanks.

Locations: The map is fine, not amazing, but it definately helps us realize where things are. I like how there are two maps for borders and one just for landmarks. Bungee jumping doesn't have a "y" in it. Wow, wonderful locations. While being mistical and fantastic, they still make sense enough for us to believe in them. More nuggets of story information were dropped in as well, making it all the better.

Bungy/Bungee can be spelt either way, but mystical definitely has a y in it. They're interchangable. As I said above, I loved making the locations. If I had to pick one to live in, I think it would be Gu-nari. Rivers are cool.

Additional Notes: Very, very nice way of clarifying some things.

That stuff needed to be said. It's not amazingly interesting, but had to be there.

Gameplay: Ok, so this is more of a sandbox. Didn't see that coming. Well, obviously every RPG is a sandbox on some level, but you get what I mean. (I mean that I thought you had a specific story to tell us)

In terms of sandboxes, I agree with what Pyrrhon said a few posts up about players having power. Sure, I've been thinking about how a few different scenarios might work out, but really I'm just going to roll woth whatever happens. In particular, players' actions will have a big part in determining when and how Spiriah makes his first appearance on the island. Sure, I created this world, but I'm giving it to the players for them to make it come to life.

Characters: "The mask of conjuring, because it it rediculously overpowered." Lol it it? The profile seems a bit lengthy, but understandably so. The NPC profiles are informative and being able to be a Toa Hagah, wow, those five spots will go fast.

Yes, yes it is. That mask can do anything. If someone wanted to, they could just programme it with "I want this mask to be a super-vahi-ignika-nuva, and the weakness is that it stops working if I get force-fed kinloka soup". Another reason why I don't like is that since you can make a power for any situation, people don't have to be creative with hiow they use their powers in different situations.The profile is long because I put in three slots for element, vision and thirs powers, while most RPGs just have one powers. Home region is the other one you don't often see, but I think it works in this case. Most of the characters live here, and it helps to know who else lives in your village.

Rules: rules.Glossary: Now this is helpful. Very nice.Overall: Well, this is a good, well written RPG. The idea is promising, and the temptation of a sandbox even better. Skakdi might not appeal to some people, but then again they can just play as some other species then. I'd love to say I'm voting for it, but I need to read the rest of the submissions before I decide what my third vote will be. Good luck in the contest!

Sure, some people might not like the Skakdi focus, but I made sure there was room to have other species in there if people really wanted them. For others though, I think the focus one one species could be a good thing. It's a point of difference from other entries, and the Skakdi are a generally well-likeed race. Exploring their background could be really fun. There are mysteries for people who like that, power struggles for others and lots of excuses to go and brawl for people who just join for the PvP. I've tried to keep the appeal pretty wide on this one.Thanks for the review, Kal.

[Kal the Guardian]

You almost sucked me in with that fake sig and nothing-said review. It was a relief to scroll down. Nice prank though, I guess. This contest needs a bit of humor.Ha ha! I hate it when its pulled on me, however. Do you mean they should be more encouraged, or that there should be more of them? If you mean the first one, yeah, I think I will do something with that. Thanks.No, more about their creation and what really needs to happen (how many characters joining) before it gets recognized by the big three. Not that the information needs to be there, however; it would just be nice. I guess Lev has tainted me in that way. XDBungy/Bungee can be spelt either way, but mystical definitely has a y in it. They're interchangable. Wow, whoops.Yes, yes it is. That mask can do anything. If someone wanted to, they could just programme it with "I want this mask to be a super-vahi-ignika-nuva, and the weakness is that it stops working if I get force-fed kinloka soup". Another reason why I don't like is that since you can make a power for any situation, people don't have to be creative with hiow they use their powers in different situations.No, no. "it it" I'm not questioning the rule. There's a typo.Sure, some people might not like the Skakdi focus, but I made sure there was room to have other species in there if people really wanted them. For others though, I think the focus one one species could be a good thing. It's a point of difference from other entries, and the Skakdi are a generally well-likeed race. Exploring their background could be really fun. There are mysteries for people who like that, power struggles for others and lots of excuses to go and brawl for people who just join for the PvP. I've tried to keep the appeal pretty wide on this one.Yeah, everyone loves Skakdi in some way.Thanks for the review, Kal.No problem.

[The Lorax]

Do you mean they should be more encouraged, or that there should be more of them? If you mean the first one, yeah, I think I will do something with that. Thanks.No, more about their creation and what really needs to happen (how many characters joining) before it gets recognized by the big three. Not that the information needs to be there, however; it would just be nice. I guess Lev has tainted me in that way. XDYes, yes it is. That mask can do anything. If someone wanted to, they could just programme it with "I want this mask to be a super-vahi-ignika-nuva, and the weakness is that it stops working if I get force-fed kinloka soup". Another reason why I don't like is that since you can make a power for any situation, people don't have to be creative with hiow they use their powers in different situations.No, no. "it it" I'm not questioning the rule. There's a typo.Sure, some people might not like the Skakdi focus, but I made sure there was room to have other species in there if people really wanted them. For others though, I think the focus one one species could be a good thing. It's a point of difference from other entries, and the Skakdi are a generally well-likeed race. Exploring their background could be really fun. There are mysteries for people who like that, power struggles for others and lots of excuses to go and brawl for people who just join for the PvP. I've tried to keep the appeal pretty wide on this one.Yeah, everyone loves Skakdi in some way.Thanks for the review, Kal.No problem.

Another typo? Drat, but thanks. Fixed. I don't see that sort of thing because I've read through it so many times.Player factions will get noticed when they do something big. If there were 10 characters hiding in a cave, they won't cause many ripples, but 5 trying to assassinate a faction leader definitely will. Doubly so if someone incites the population of Pi-nari to rise up against everyone else and form their own independent state.As well as the things you suggested, I've added a new title image and tweaked a few things in the body off the RPG. Clarifications and typos mostly, but improvements are improvements.