RPG Forum Contest 24 Reviews

ZTG · June 9, 2012

My review on Surrender into he hive!Okay so it's basically the terminator except in Bionicle, and Toa are like numerous meaning they are common like matoran. The resistance must suck cause they not have about 1/3 of the island and the Vahki are going all Zerg rush on Metru Nui.So I'm sad cause I can't go to ta-Metru, but hey, po-Metru is fun two. So as it appears there is the resistance, villains ad something else. So I could stop the machine at ya-Metru, be done wih the parts, weaken them and that should work,I mean at least the resistance has a big pool in ga-Metru so I guess you can't complain.Overall!:It's awesome, fight off robots and stuff, pretty beast. I have no problems other than the third faction which seems unneeded. However I will vote for this count on that!

The Lorax · June 9, 2012

A review of Surrender Unto the Hive

Toa Zealokan presents...

Hey, nice banner. Not too complicated, but it still looks good. Matoran writing is always cool.

　　HISTORYAfter the failed Krahli project, Nuparu was commissioned again to create mechanical law-enforcers for Metru Nui, and designed the eight Vahki models. One model was assigned to each Metru, with the Kranua and Kraahu occationally being deployed for emergencies.

Some history, good. This is all going as it did in canon, so far...

For one-hundred years the City of Legends prospered. However, this prosperity would soon crumble. A prototype Vahki, designated the Xorakh, similar to the mass-produced model, began to display odd behaviour. It would disregard communications from its superiors, and would even resort to using lethal force on law-breakers as it saw fit. The silver-clad Xorakh had gained sentience, and a hatred for its creators.It broke out of the Le-Metru warehouse it was being held in, violently subduing any guards that got in its way. Once inside the Colosseum, it gained control of the Vakhi Command Center, and by extention, the entire Vahki collective.Remotely uploading a series of directives to all Vahki, the machines rebelled, forming the Vahki Empire. The Xorakh selected one of each model to be his generals. Thousands died that night, and the Matoran found themselves in hiding, as Drones stalked the streets, searching for prey, and Reavers took high vantage points from which to pick off those unfortunate to fall into their crosshairs. But among the frightened and the mad, there was but one brave soul.

... and here's where it all goes pear-shaped. From the Matoran's perpective, that is, not as an RPG. On the contrary, this is good. The premise is explained very well with no extra fluff around it. It's short and contains all the info we need to know. Very clear-cut, and very little is left ambiguous.From the history I'm guessing that this is all happening before the Great Cataclysm and probably after the Matoran Civil War. A quick search on BS01 only narrows that to between 3,900 and 79,100 years BGC. Could you specify a time period? It might be important for players to know when we are in history and what events have happened in the universe.

[*]The Civil War ended 79,000 years ago Metru Nui entered an age of peace. The Makuta are each assigned to a region, and Metru Nui got Teridax. Around this time, Teridax took over the Brotherhood and the Makuta went evil.[*]72,000 years ago, Spiriah mutated the Skakdi into their best-known forms. has this happened yet? It will have a big impact on Skakdi characters.[*]60,000 years ago, the OoMN did the time slip and did a lot of important things around the universe.[*]15,000 years ago, Dume became Turaga of Metru Nui.[*]4,000 years ago, the Dark Hunters try to get a base on Metru Nui by releasing the Kanohi Dragon. The Toa Mangai come to stop it and then stay on as protectors of Metru Nui. The Vahki are known to have existed at this time, so if they were created just before htis, your 100 years of peace and prosperity leands up to 3,900 years ago as the latest this could be set.

That's a lot of important events, so it would be nice to know for sure what time-period this is in.

Kolel, a Toa of Stone, proposed a resistance against the machines. Word spread to the various sanctuaries spread across the city. Then the day came when the sanctuaries took up what arms they had, and fought for control of the city that was once theirs.The Vahki had won the battle, but they had not won the war. The newly named Aki-Nui (Great Valour) Resistance had held their ground, and managed to take Po-Metru and Ga-Metru, fortifying the two districts. The borders between these two districts and the rest of the city had become a no-mans-land, Resistance snipers guarding against enemy attack. But Kolel has since gone missing, and his second-in-command, Naareq, has taken charge.

And a hero rises up to save us! Hooray! And then he dies. Whoops. In any event , the stage is set. It's citizens vs vahki, all out war in Metru Nui. Aki-Nui?!? I've seen some pretty interesting examples of name-recycling, but I think this one takes the cake. This is certainly a new look for our favourite no-longer-infected kane-ra. I see Reaver makes it in as well. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or not, so I won't hold it against you.

Around ten years ago, a small faction split off from the Resistance in a bloody show of madness. They called themselves the Jutlin Sect, and they worshipped the Vahki as their benefactors. They were indifferent to the fact that the machines killed them anyway, as the Sect believed it was for an obscure greater good. All members are branded with the Vahki symbol on their right hand, and have taken up residence in the Onu-Metru Archives.Three factions, fighting for the fate of Metru Nui. It's your choice how it all ends.

And here come the nut-cases. If is usually a good thing to have a third faction in this type of RPG, or some people who have defected to the enemy, but these guys seem a bit implausible to me. They're not controlled by the vahki in any way, they just like the idea of being killed. Really? And all the madpeople came up with the same idea or talked each other into it? Like I said, I'm having trouble believing this.All out war in Metru Nui is not a new concept for BIONICLE RPGs, (there are/have been loads of them) but they can work. That last sentence in particular could describle any number iof recent entries. Having the vahki as antagonists makes things a bit less generic, but I'm not sure its enough to make this game really stand out.

SUMMARYOkay, so in an alternate Metru Nui where the Makuta never put Mata Nui to sleep and Toa were in abundance, a single prototype Vahki(the Xorakh) gained sentience, took control of the Vahki(and I mean ALL the Vahki), and screwed everyone over with his new army, then the Xorakh and his generals took over the city. A toa named Kolel created a Resistance, and they've taken back Ga-Metru and Po-Metru. Then some nut-jobs who decided that they liked the Vahki(even though the Vahki hated them) said 'Peace out, guys!'(not really), called themselves the Jutlin Sect, and made their home in the Onu-Metru Archives. Basically, there is only war, life sucks and chances are you'll probably be killed by a sniper of some description. Have fun.

I've already said everything I want to about this.　

FACTIONSVahki EmpireThe result of the Xorakh uploading directives and his own programming to all Vahki, the former law-enforcers began to hunt down all organic beings in the city. A hive-mind of unfaltering, unremorseful machines. So far, three variants, aside from the Kranua and Kraahu have been seen:DRONE: Standard Vahki Variant, armed with a Stun Staff specific to each Model. Some carry their own custom-made equipment.REAVER: Long-Range Sniper Variant, armed with a APKA (Armour-Piercing Kinetic-Acceleration) Rifle, as well a melee weapon of their choice.HOWLER: Heavy Assault/Demolition Variant, armed with (and named for) a Pneumatic Wrecking Arm, as well as a wrist-mounted short-range firearm of their choice.Aki-Nui ResistanceFounded by Kolel, a group of beings dedicated to wiping out the Vahki and taking back their home. Ga-Metru and Po-Metru are the Resistance's main base, though they've set up safehouses all around the city.Jutlin SectA collection of madmen who believe that the Vahki may have a point with this whole 'kill everyone' directive. Mostly made up of insane people, it is also a home to murderers and other criminals.SUBFACTIONSSmaller, player-created factions within the main three. To be updated when there are actually some.

Good, you give us a chance to create our own factions. So I can have a character who is neither a hero, a machine, nor completely bonkers. The faction descriptions are like just about everything else in this RPG - short and to the point. A few more interesting details wouldn't hurt though.

　MAPVAHKI EMPIRE TERRITORYColosseumConverted by the Xorakh and the Six Generals into a 'Supreme Hive', no one has ever infiltrated it before, and due to the legions of Vahki on guard, it appear that none ever will.

Oh dear, Levacius is going to have a field day on this one. It will be just like last contest with City of the Dead. Here's a tip: Saying somewhere is super-difficult or impossible to get into (especially a colliseum guarded by vahki0 just makes people want to get in more.

][/u]Ta-MetruIt is here that the furnaces run around the clock, constantly producing Vahki components, which are then sent to be built.Le-MetruFormer vehicles factories were retro-fitted and turns into Vahki assembly lines. It is here that the saying 'Kill one, a dozen more take its place' becomes manifest.Ko-MetruSeeing as machines do not believe in prophecy, Ko-Metru has become a training ground for all sorts of Vahki. Knowledge Towers are used to train Reavers, silent-but-efficient Vahki snipers.

Why do the reavers need training? They're machines, programmed to to react a certain in certain situations. A machine shouldn't need target-practice.

AKI-NUI RESISTANCE TERRITORYGa-MetruLike Ko-Metru, the water district was converted into a training ground for soldiers. Schools still remain, and those born into the war are taught a basic history of the city, amongst basic survival skills.So if Matoran are being born, that means that biomechanical beings can reproduce in this RPG. OK.
Po-MetruTo the Resistance, this is literally home. Sheds, shacks, and huts have been hastily built in the Sculpture Fields, and snipers line the Canyon of Unending Whispers, which serves as the border between Po-Metru and Onu-Metru.
Is it just me or does the Sculpture fiends seem like a really bad place to build a military camp? All the sculptures would provide excellent places for your sniper vahki to hide in while they pick people off. The place has "ambush" written all over it.
JUTLIN SECT TERRITORIESOnu-MetruThe only home of the Jutlin Sect, most of their living quarters are located in the holding cells of the Archives, the Rahi that lived in them now gone. Tuning in on com-frequencies will yield only propaganda and praise to the Vahki.　CHARACTER CREATION
Okay, so here's how making a character works. You create a character using the following template...NAME/DESIGNATION:(What is the name of your character? Please, no canon names)SPECIES:(What species are you? Toa, Matoran, Vortixx, Skakdi, Vahki, or even custom species?)GENDER/MODEL-VARIANT:(Self-explanatory/Which model-variant of Vahki are you?)APPEARANCE:(What do you look like?)FACTION:(Vahki, Resistance, or Sect?(If Vahki and in Resistance or Sect, please state 'Defective' in Species))POWERS/ABILITIES:(What powers do you have?)EQUIPMENT:(What's your loadout? Bear in mind, Resistance and Sect will have limited tech)PERSONALITY:(What are you like as a person?)BIOGRAPHY:(Who are you, and who were you?)
So we can play as vahki? That would be cool, except they all just have one hive-mind. That allows for very little character individuality aside from the different weapons they can have (which are pretty nice, by the way).And vahki can be Resistance or Sect? Earlier on, you said that Xorahk had ALL the Vahki. ALL in capital letters. So where did these ones come from?
....And then my co-GMs and I will look at and approve of or suggest improvements for your character. In the words of Doc Brown, 'It couldn't be simpler!'NOTES
Custom species already approved in the BZPRPG are permitted.
This isn't something I've seen before, but I suppose it makes sense and saves you a bit of time.
If you wish to create a custom species, please make it within reason.
Illegal Kanohi include the Ignika, Vahi, Avohkii, Kraakhan, Mask of Creation, Olmak Sanok, Komau, Mohtrek, Clairvoyance, Aki, Rua, Tryna, and Mask of Possibilities.
Illegal Species include those not on the list above.
Illegal Elements include Light and Shadow.
A maximum of five characters is allowed.
Vahki characters are not required to speak in Binary Code.
That last one is great. Made me laugh, but I see why it needed to be there.
　STAFF CHARACTERSNAME:NaareqSPECIES:ToaGENDER: MaleAPPEARANCE:Tall and slender, White Armour with Red trimFACTION:Aki-Nui ResistancePOWERS/ABILITIES:Elemental control of IceEQUIPMENT:Kanohi Mahiki, Mask of Illusion. Wolf-Fang LongswordPERSONALITY:An intravert, prefers to keep to himself. A capable leader.BIOGRAPHY:Second in Command of the Resistance, after Kolel went MIA, Naareq was announced the new leader. He's been dealing with a lot of stress ever since.　DESIGNATION:XorakhSPECIES:VahkiGENDER/MODEL-VARIANT:Xorakh Prototype-EmperorAPPEARANCE:Silver Armour with Dark Blue highlightsFACTION:Vahki EmpirePOWERS/ABILITIES:Standard Flight Ability, Paralytic KanokaEQUIPMENT:Staffs of Madness, able to completely destroy the target's mental functions, sending them into insanity and catatonia.PERSONALITY:Cold and ruthless, sadistic towards organics.BIOGRAPHY:A Vahki Prototype, the Xorakh gained control of the Vahki forces and took over the City of Legends, with the sole intent of eradicating all organic life.　RULESNo auto-hitting or god-modding.
No bunnying. Other player's characters are exactly that, and not yours to control. This is especially true of staff characters. They are not NPCs for you to control.
Clearly define IC (In Character) and OOC (Out Of Character) posts. That said, no purely OOC posts. That's why we have a discussion topic.
NPCs are not cannon fodder. They are capable warriors, and will put up a good fight. Armies will not fall at your feet. In fact, you're more likely to fall at their's.
No metagaming. Your character does not automatically know everything.
No trolling or flaming of any kind. This will not be tolerated. Insults directed at other players will also be grounds for punishment.

Respect the staff. Their word is not quite law, but still pretty darn important. If we disagree with you, it's likely for a good reason.
And most importantly, have fun!
Why is the staff's word not law? It's your game, and you need to have total control of what goes on it in, otherwise things can really get out of hand.
PUNISHMENTSNow then, those who say 'I'll do what I want, thank you very much,' that is wrong, and the following will happen if you step out of line.FIRST OFFENCE: Your first and only warning. Heed our advice at this point.SECOND OFFENCE: One of your characters will be greviously injured.THIRD OFFENCE: One of your characters will die, and cannot be replaced. You essentially lose a character slot.FOURTH OFFENCE: All of you characters will die. You may create one more if you wish to gain favour with us again, after which we will restore your other three slots.FIFTH OFFENCE: You will be permabanned from participating. Please, don't let it come to this.Also, just a bit of house-keeping, please use good grammar. Just a pet peeve of mine. You won't be punished for using bad grammer, but it is strong disadvised.

Welcome to Surrender Unto The Hive, and I hope you enjoy playing!
So overall, a few parts of this RPG could use some work, but it's a pretty good starting point to build on. In any case, it's certainly something I would play if it won. Good luck in the contest!

Cadias · June 9, 2012

Well, what do you know? Looks like I've decided to do a review! I'll get around to reviewing the others... eventually...My review of....

Surrender Unto the Hive

Introduction

First off, that last transmission from that Kolel guy is a great touch! It certainly caught my interest. The binary code is also a nice touch, and I even went through the trouble of using something I found on the internet to translate it. It certainly sets the stage.

History

Then we move onto the history. New model of Vahki goes wrong, takes command of all Vahki, and decides to wipe out everything that's partial organic. A resistance is started, and the leader's gone missing. The city is split between mechanical and biomechanical, with half belonging to the Vahki and the other half belong to the Resistance and the Jutlin Sect. Now, the players enter, to determine the end! So far, so good.

Summary

You have a summary, which does an excellent job of summarizing the situation. The Vahki have turned evil, the people are rebelling, and some crazy people decided that they like the Vahki after all. Peace is nonexistent, you'll probably be killed, and have fun! Pretty straightforward.

Factions

Now, we get to the factions! We have the Vahki Empire, the Resistance, and the Crazy People Jutlin Sect.Vahki Empire: Here, we have our evil robotic overlords. Three classes, and some basic information on them. It does leave me with some questions, though. To what level are Vahki self-aware? Are they self-aware at all? How powerful, roughly, is a Pneumatic Wreaking Arm?Aki-Nui Resistance: Here we have the valiant Resistance, working to free Bajor Metru-Nui from the Borg Vahki. Are they on the offensive or defensive right now, or does it depend on the area? I realize that most of it will depend on the players, but it'd be nice to know the status at the start.Jutlin Sect: A bunch of criminals and insane people. Ok. What do they do? Walk around, trying to convince others of the greatness of the Vahki? Are they attacking the Resistance to aid the Vahki Empire? Do they just sit around, staring into space?Subfactions: I like this idea. It allows players to create official units, within the Empire or Resistance, which is cool. Nothing is here yet, of course.

Map

And here we have our map. It's just a canon map of Metru-Nui the names of the districts and what belongs to who. It serves its purpose. Underneath we find our descriptions, telling us of who uses what for. The Empire seems to be close to disaster... if Le-Metru or Ta-Metru is taken, then they don't have anymore replacements for the mindless drones they doubtlessly send marching to their deaths without second thought. Po-Metru is a tempting target for the Empire, and why haven't the Archives been conquered by the Vahki? I don't think the Jutlin Sect would mind.

Character Creation

Here, we have our standard profile. The ability to have a defective Vahki is certainly interesting, and I'll be certain to make one if this wins. Other than that, it'd be nice if you can detail what powers/abilities a Vahki can have. Also, how limited is limited tech? Are we talking swords and such? Against Vahki with sniper rifles and Pneumatic Wreaking Arms?

Notes

Some handy notes, which include information about custom species, banned masks, and banned canon species. What about custom masks?

Staff Characters

Here we have the leaders of the two big factions. I suppose that the Jutlin Sect lacks a leader, then. The profiles are surprising short, when compared to other staff characters, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it's kind of nice to not have a giant section detailing the leaders.

Rules/Punishments

Ah, here we have the rules! The wonderful boundaries shall protect you from the wrath of the GMs! Beware, for if you beak them, you shall regret it!Overall, a pretty standard list. Though you might consider adding the usual reminder that all BZP rules apply.As for the punishments, another fairly standard list. And a polite reminder to use good grammar! Good grammar, my friends, is good.

Overall

Overall, I love this idea! I can't promise my vote, as it's far too early for me to decide, but it shall take its place amongst my favorites. It looks like a great RPG, and although it leaves a few questions unanswered, that's easy enough to fix. Plus, the Vahki make me think of the Borg, what with the whole hivemind thing going on. If it wins, I am totally going to have a Vahki marching around saying, "Resistance is futile," and other such things derived from Star Trek.

Toa Levacius Zehvor · June 9, 2012

You're just reviewing the short RPG because you're all lazy. :PWell, luckily Isolation isn't very big, so I get to do it before the days over. Yay....

My Review of Isolation

I for one enjoy the look of your banner.HOOK: Yep, know idea what this means, but it looks coolSTORY: I don't really understand what you mean by 'nanotechnology'. A lot of RPGs have low levels of tech at this point in history anyways. Again, there's not much that I can get out of the story. It doesn't explain much.FACTIONS: So where are the ancient groups like the Hand of Artahka at right about now? It's the correct point in history for them to exist. There's not much to say about the Factions, since they're short in description and not very large in number.CONFLICTS: Yeah, you don't need a section devoted to this. You normally explain this in the history or in the factions.LOCATIONS: The Matoran Universe is large enough it could take months to go from Metru-Nui to, well, anywhere, so such a large area messes the RPG up. Anyways, lots of locations. What's unforntunate about people on Metru-Nui's south coast? What treasure on Karzahni? What's with non-selfish Vortixx? What's with Karda-Nui being above ground? What's with the Makuta not being on Destral?PROFILES: Simple, which is good in this case. For once I tried looking for a history on these people, hoping you might have something... but no. And no history for your characters either. Which is good, because there's nothing to explain their history, since there's barely anything mentioned here.RULES: Rules are rules.CLOSING THOUGHTS: I like trains. Also this RPG is too small. There's not much detailing its factions, the locations leave plenty of questions to be asked, there's almost no story to this being described, such as the factions beginnings or anything of that sort. While you've formatted a very nice looking RPG, aesthetics are only part of it. When I first came to the forum, I remember a member who used steak as the way to describe an RPG. The meat is the RPG, the fat is the additional stuff that you don't really need, but makes it even better - you always want both, but if you have too much fat, it becomes greasy and disgusting. In this case, you don't have any fat on this RPG, just a very skinny piece of meat. Instead you have nice formatting and a nice banner, a glaze on the RPG that makes it go down easier. But we need more.Also, I don't see how Isolation relates to the RPG at all. Care to explain?Otherwise, it's not a terrible set up. You need to add to it, though!(Your formatting is perfect BTW)-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

Edited June 9, 2012 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

Techn0geist · June 9, 2012

I shall reply to comments and such in red.

A review of Surrender Unto the Hive
Toa Zealokan presents...
Hey, nice banner. Not too complicated, but it still looks good. Matoran writing is always cool.I knew I downloaded that font for a reason It's amazing what people can do with MS Paint.
　　HISTORYAfter the failed Krahli project, Nuparu was commissioned again to create mechanical law-enforcers for Metru Nui, and designed the eight Vahki models. One model was assigned to each Metru, with the Kranua and Kraahu occationally being deployed for emergencies.
Some history, good. This is all going as it did in canon, so far...
For one-hundred years the City of Legends prospered. However, this prosperity would soon crumble. A prototype Vahki, designated the Xorakh, similar to the mass-produced model, began to display odd behaviour. It would disregard communications from its superiors, and would even resort to using lethal force on law-breakers as it saw fit. The silver-clad Xorakh had gained sentience, and a hatred for its creators.It broke out of the Le-Metru warehouse it was being held in, violently subduing any guards that got in its way. Once inside the Colosseum, it gained control of the Vakhi Command Center, and by extention, the entire Vahki collective.Remotely uploading a series of directives to all Vahki, the machines rebelled, forming the Vahki Empire. The Xorakh selected one of each model to be his generals. Thousands died that night, and the Matoran found themselves in hiding, as Drones stalked the streets, searching for prey, and Reavers took high vantage points from which to pick off those unfortunate to fall into their crosshairs. But among the frightened and the mad, there was but one brave soul.
... and here's where it all goes pear-shaped. From the Matoran's perpective, that is, not as an RPG. On the contrary, this is good. The premise is explained very well with no extra fluff around it. It's short and contains all the info we need to know. Very clear-cut, and very little is left ambiguous.From the history I'm guessing that this is all happening before the Great Cataclysm and probably after the Matoran Civil War. A quick search on BS01 only narrows that to between 3,900 and 79,100 years BGC. Could you specify a time period? It might be important for players to know when we are in history and what events have happened in the universe.
[*]The Civil War ended 79,000 years ago Metru Nui entered an age of peace. The Makuta are each assigned to a region, and Metru Nui got Teridax. Around this time, Teridax took over the Brotherhood and the Makuta went evil.[*]72,000 years ago, Spiriah mutated the Skakdi into their best-known forms. has this happened yet? It will have a big impact on Skakdi characters.[*]60,000 years ago, the OoMN did the time slip and did a lot of important things around the universe.[*]15,000 years ago, Dume became Turaga of Metru Nui.[*]4,000 years ago, the Dark Hunters try to get a base on Metru Nui by releasing the Kanohi Dragon. The Toa Mangai come to stop it and then stay on as protectors of Metru Nui. The Vahki are known to have existed at this time, so if they were created just before htis, your 100 years of peace and prosperity leands up to 3,900 years ago as the latest this could be set.
That's a lot of important events, so it would be nice to know for sure what time-period this is in.I'm still can't quite wrap my head around when everything happened, so that's why I never stated when it took place. But yeah, it's after the Matoran Civil War.
Kolel, a Toa of Stone, proposed a resistance against the machines. Word spread to the various sanctuaries spread across the city. Then the day came when the sanctuaries took up what arms they had, and fought for control of the city that was once theirs.The Vahki had won the battle, but they had not won the war. The newly named Aki-Nui (Great Valour) Resistance had held their ground, and managed to take Po-Metru and Ga-Metru, fortifying the two districts. The borders between these two districts and the rest of the city had become a no-mans-land, Resistance snipers guarding against enemy attack. But Kolel has since gone missing, and his second-in-command, Naareq, has taken charge.
And a hero rises up to save us! Hooray! And then he dies. Whoops. In any event , the stage is set. It's citizens vs vahki, all out war in Metru Nui. Aki-Nui?!? I've seen some pretty interesting examples of name-recycling, but I think this one takes the cake. This is certainly a new look for our favourite no-longer-infected kane-ra. I see Reaver makes it in as well. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or not, so I won't hold it against you.Great Valour is just such a good name for a resistance, I had to use it! And yeah, I liked the sound of Reaver, makes them sound all mysterious and stuff.Also, the APKA Rifle is a barely-noticeable reference to everyone's favourite Toa of Kinetics
Around ten years ago, a small faction split off from the Resistance in a bloody show of madness. They called themselves the Jutlin Sect, and they worshipped the Vahki as their benefactors. They were indifferent to the fact that the machines killed them anyway, as the Sect believed it was for an obscure greater good. All members are branded with the Vahki symbol on their right hand, and have taken up residence in the Onu-Metru Archives.Three factions, fighting for the fate of Metru Nui. It's your choice how it all ends.
And here come the nut-cases. If is usually a good thing to have a third faction in this type of RPG, or some people who have defected to the enemy, but these guys seem a bit implausible to me. They're not controlled by the vahki in any way, they just like the idea of being killed. Really? And all the madpeople came up with the same idea or talked each other into it? Like I said, I'm having trouble believing this.All out war in Metru Nui is not a new concept for BIONICLE RPGs, (there are/have been loads of them) but they can work. That last sentence in particular could describle any number iof recent entries. Having the vahki as antagonists makes things a bit less generic, but I'm not sure its enough to make this game really stand out.Now that I think about it, I could've fleshed the Sect out a bit. Basically, I guess they were sharing stories, one of them brought up a good(?) point, and it took off from there. TheyThe
SUMMARYOkay, so in an alternate Metru Nui where the Makuta never put Mata Nui to sleep and Toa were in abundance, a single prototype Vahki(the Xorakh) gained sentience, took control of the Vahki(and I mean ALL the Vahki), and screwed everyone over with his new army, then the Xorakh and his generals took over the city. A toa named Kolel created a Resistance, and they've taken back Ga-Metru and Po-Metru. Then some nut-jobs who decided that they liked the Vahki(even though the Vahki hated them) said 'Peace out, guys!'(not really), called themselves the Jutlin Sect, and made their home in the Onu-Metru Archives. Basically, there is only war, life sucks and chances are you'll probably be killed by a sniper of some description. Have fun.
I've already said everything I want to about this.　
FACTIONSVahki EmpireThe result of the Xorakh uploading directives and his own programming to all Vahki, the former law-enforcers began to hunt down all organic beings in the city. A hive-mind of unfaltering, unremorseful machines.So far, three variants, aside from the Kranua and Kraahu have been seen:DRONE: Standard Vahki Variant, armed with a Stun Staff specific to each Model. Some carry their own custom-made equipment.REAVER: Long-Range Sniper Variant, armed with a APKA (Armour-Piercing Kinetic-Acceleration) Rifle, as well a melee weapon of their choice.HOWLER: Heavy Assault/Demolition Variant, armed with (and named for) a Pneumatic Wrecking Arm, as well as a wrist-mounted short-range firearm of their choice.Aki-Nui ResistanceFounded by Kolel, a group of beings dedicated to wiping out the Vahki and taking back their home. Ga-Metru and Po-Metru are the Resistance's main base, though they've set up safehouses all around the city.Jutlin SectA collection of madmen who believe that the Vahki may have a point with this whole 'kill everyone' directive. Mostly made up of insane people, it is also a home to murderers and other criminals.SUBFACTIONSSmaller, player-created factions within the main three. To be updated when there are actually some.
Good, you give us a chance to create our own factions. So I can have a character who is neither a hero, a machine, nor completely bonkers. The faction descriptions are like just about everything else in this RPG - short and to the point. A few more interesting details wouldn't hurt though.I'll work on it.
　MAPVAHKI EMPIRE TERRITORYColosseumConverted by the Xorakh and the Six Generals into a 'Supreme Hive', no one has ever infiltrated it before, and due to the legions of Vahki on guard, it appear that none ever will.
Oh dear, Levacius is going to have a field day on this one. It will be just like last contest with City of the Dead. Here's a tip: Saying somewhere is super-difficult or impossible to get into (especially a colliseum guarded by vahki0 just makes people want to get in more.I'd like to say now I reserve the right to kill PCs if they get in my way of city-wide domination.I originally had another description describing the interior, but I want to keep that a surprise
][/u]Ta-MetruIt is here that the furnaces run around the clock, constantly producing Vahki components, which are then sent to be built.Le-MetruFormer vehicles factories were retro-fitted and turns into Vahki assembly lines. It is here that the saying 'Kill one, a dozen more take its place' becomes manifest.Ko-MetruSeeing as machines do not believe in prophecy, Ko-Metru has become a training ground for all sorts of Vahki. Knowledge Towers are used to train Reavers, silent-but-efficient Vahki snipers.
Why do the reavers need training? They're machines, programmed to to react a certain in certain situations. A machine shouldn't need target-practice.They couldn't quite perfect the combat programming, so they'll train them until one reaches the highest level of experience and efficiency it can attain, then they base the combat training on that unit. That's my story, I'm sticking to it.
AKI-NUI RESISTANCE TERRITORYGa-MetruLike Ko-Metru, the water district was converted into a training ground for soldiers. Schools still remain, and those born into the war are taught a basic history of the city, amongst basic survival skills.So if Matoran are being born, that means that biomechanical beings can reproduce in this RPG. OK.It's a loose term. Gives them a bit more humanity.
Po-MetruTo the Resistance, this is literally home. Sheds, shacks, and huts have been hastily built in the Sculpture Fields, and snipers line the Canyon of Unending Whispers, which serves as the border between Po-Metru and Onu-Metru.
Is it just me or does the Sculpture fiends seem like a really bad place to build a military camp? All the sculptures would provide excellent places for your sniper vahki to hide in while they pick people off. The place has "ambush" written all over it.Which is why the resistance have counter-snipers. Stop the Reavers from ever getting in.
JUTLIN SECT TERRITORIESOnu-MetruThe only home of the Jutlin Sect, most of their living quarters are located in the holding cells of the Archives, the Rahi that lived in them now gone. Tuning in on com-frequencies will yield only propaganda and praise to the Vahki.　CHARACTER CREATION
Okay, so here's how making a character works. You create a character using the following template...NAME/DESIGNATION:(What is the name of your character? Please, no canon names)SPECIES:(What species are you? Toa, Matoran, Vortixx, Skakdi, Vahki, or even custom species?)GENDER/MODEL-VARIANT:(Self-explanatory/Which model-variant of Vahki are you?)APPEARANCE:(What do you look like?)FACTION:(Vahki, Resistance, or Sect?(If Vahki and in Resistance or Sect, please state 'Defective' in Species))POWERS/ABILITIES:(What powers do you have?)EQUIPMENT:(What's your loadout? Bear in mind, Resistance and Sect will have limited tech)PERSONALITY:(What are you like as a person?)BIOGRAPHY:(Who are you, and who were you?)
So we can play as vahki? That would be cool, except they all just have one hive-mind. That allows for very little character individuality aside from the different weapons they can have (which are pretty nice, by the way).And vahki can be Resistance or Sect? Earlier on, you said that Xorahk had ALL the Vahki. ALL in capital letters. So where did these ones come from?That probably could've been better defined. When I say 'hive-mind', it's probably more of a network. Not that they're all of the same mind, but they can share strategic info and the like. They're all individual, they just have a suped-up coms-network.As for the Resistance/Sect Vahki; all the ones that the Xorakh took control of, they were fine. But when he started producing more and more, some would come out defective, cut off from the Hive-Mind, no directives. They went their own way.

....And then my co-GMs and I will look at and approve of or suggest improvements for your character. In the words of Doc Brown, 'It couldn't be simpler!'NOTES
Custom species already approved in the BZPRPG are permitted.
This isn't something I've seen before, but I suppose it makes sense and saves you a bit of time.I have little time to spare these days, so this is a big help.

If you wish to create a custom species, please make it within reason.
Illegal Kanohi include the Ignika, Vahi, Avohkii, Kraakhan, Mask of Creation, Olmak Sanok, Komau, Mohtrek, Clairvoyance, Aki, Rua, Tryna, and Mask of Possibilities.
Illegal Species include those not on the list above.
Illegal Elements include Light and Shadow.
A maximum of five characters is allowed.
Vahki characters are not required to speak in Binary Code.
That last one is great. Made me laugh, but I see why it needed to be there. I'm not going to a Binary translator every 10 minutes
　STAFF CHARACTERSNAME:NaareqSPECIES:ToaGENDER: MaleAPPEARANCE:Tall and slender, White Armour with Red trimFACTION:Aki-Nui ResistancePOWERS/ABILITIES:Elemental control of IceEQUIPMENT:Kanohi Mahiki, Mask of Illusion. Wolf-Fang LongswordPERSONALITY:An intravert, prefers to keep to himself. A capable leader.BIOGRAPHY:Second in Command of the Resistance, after Kolel went MIA, Naareq was announced the new leader. He's been dealing with a lot of stress ever since.　DESIGNATION:XorakhSPECIES:VahkiGENDER/MODEL-VARIANT:Xorakh Prototype-EmperorAPPEARANCE:Silver Armour with Dark Blue highlightsFACTION:Vahki EmpirePOWERS/ABILITIES:Standard Flight Ability, Paralytic KanokaEQUIPMENT:Staffs of Madness, able to completely destroy the target's mental functions, sending them into insanity and catatonia.PERSONALITY:Cold and ruthless, sadistic towards organics.BIOGRAPHY:A Vahki Prototype, the Xorakh gained control of the Vahki forces and took over the City of Legends, with the sole intent of eradicating all organic life.　RULESNo auto-hitting or god-modding.
No bunnying. Other player's characters are exactly that, and not yours to control. This is especially true of staff characters. They are not NPCs for you to control.
Clearly define IC (In Character) and OOC (Out Of Character) posts. That said, no purely OOC posts. That's why we have a discussion topic.
NPCs are not cannon fodder. They are capable warriors, and will put up a good fight. Armies will not fall at your feet. In fact, you're more likely to fall at their's.
No metagaming. Your character does not automatically know everything.
No trolling or flaming of any kind. This will not be tolerated. Insults directed at other players will also be grounds for punishment.
Respect the staff. Their word is not quite law, but still pretty darn important. If we disagree with you, it's likely for a good reason.
And most importantly, have fun!
Why is the staff's word not law? It's your game, and you need to have total control of what goes on it in, otherwise things can really get out of hand.Oops, my mistake, I'll change that.
PUNISHMENTSNow then, those who say 'I'll do what I want, thank you very much,' that is wrong, and the following will happen if you step out of line.FIRST OFFENCE: Your first and only warning. Heed our advice at this point.SECOND OFFENCE: One of your characters will be greviously injured.THIRD OFFENCE: One of your characters will die, and cannot be replaced. You essentially lose a character slot.FOURTH OFFENCE: All of you characters will die. You may create one more if you wish to gain favour with us again, after which we will restore your other three slots.FIFTH OFFENCE: You will be permabanned from participating. Please, don't let it come to this.Also, just a bit of house-keeping, please use good grammar. Just a pet peeve of mine. You won't be punished for using bad grammer, but it is strong disadvised.
Welcome to Surrender Unto The Hive, and I hope you enjoy playing!
So overall, a few parts of this RPG could use some work, but it's a pretty good starting point to build on. In any case, it's certainly something I would play if it won. Good luck in the contest!
Thanks for the tips, I'll get onto those as soon as I can. And thank you!

The Lorax · June 9, 2012

I'm still can't quite wrap my head around when everything happened, so that's why I never stated when it took place. But yeah, it's after the Matoran Civil War.

May I suggest the BS01 timeline? Link That has all the event summed up quite concisely. Just go off what story elements you want in the RPG. You want Dume to have been in charge of the city? Then it must be less than 14,000 BGC. If you don't want Lhikan and his team around, set it more than 3,000 BGC.

Great Valour is just such a good name for a resistance, I had to use it! And yeah, I liked the sound of Reaver, makes them sound all mysterious and stuff.Also, the APKA Rifle is a barely-noticeable reference to everyone's favourite Toa of Kinetics

Of course! And Naareq's wolf fang sword goes back to your ice-toa in IoP? Now I just need to find a Payiges reference and there'll be a complete set.

Now that I think about it, I could've fleshed the Sect out a bit. Basically, I guess they were sharing stories, one of them brought up a good(?) point, and it took off from there.

Right... so one guy gets suicidal and thinks killing himself and everyone else is a good idea, but why would other people follow? Usually when this type of faction comes up in an RPG, there is some good reason why they sided with the world-destroyers. I'll use Rust as an example, because I like that RPG last contest. "The Rusted" were people who had sided with a bunch of mutant kraata to destroy Metru Nui, just like the vahki in your RPG. These people had been injected with microscopic kraata-eggs which hatched inside their brains and mind-controlled them to think that the kraata were great and that killing everyone was a good idea.Another way it has been done is putting the mind of a 9insert evil city-destorying faction here) into the body of a prisoner so that they can walk around and subvert the resistance from the inside.My point is that even if the Sect are all out of their minds, insane people don't often all have the same insane ideas or work on them together. Going nuts is normally a more individual thing, so insanity alone doesn't cut it. There needs to be some element of the story that would make people want to join the sect other than just being insane.

That probably could've been better defined. When I say 'hive-mind', it's probably more of a network. Not that they're all of the same mind, but they can share strategic info and the like. They're all individual, they just have a suped-up coms-network.

So are they individuals with distinct personalities or are they cloned robots rolling off a production line? If they are individual and self-aware, did they get that from Xorahk, and if so, what makes him so special if all the vahki are now sentient? If they all have their own individual minds and personalities, how do they get that out of a standard programme they are all given in the factories, and why are they all just mindlessly following his orders? It seems like a bit of a contradiction. Pick one option and stick with it.

Thanks for the tips, I'll get onto those as soon as I can. And thank you!

You're welcome. I like seeing a good RPG, so I'll give out advice wherever I can.

BULiK · June 9, 2012

My thoughts on City of the Dead:It makes sense that stelt doesn't generally accept foreign species and the feudal military system: They Failed at the original stelt and are determined not to fail again. But why does new xia not like foreignersCan you use Powered kanoka in disk launchers? you might want to specify that, because some disksare basicaly god-modding loopholes. maybe you could specify which ones you can use?Which xian tech can you use? I'm pretty sure some of them can be overpowered. A full list would be nice.What about Vehicles? Vahki Transports? Can they be salvaged? (maybe given to players and factions in main plot? The tanks of the war, possibly?)And Ussal carts? Can you use them? Even though most ussals were wild, when the factions pushed the rahi back they probably captured and tamed some, right? Are some chutes still active? (as a side note, it would be cool if there was a seperate map withhighlighted chutes that work, but Thats just me being a perfectionist )since metru nui is/was a city, most of the combat would be in an urban environment, surrounded by half destroyed buldings and rubble, right? That sounds cool, IMO.I think it would be easier if you listed the masks that can be used instead of those that can'tEither way, you have my vote (And I'm already making profiles now)My thoughts on City of the Dead:It makes sense that stelt doesn't generally accept foreign species and the feudal military system: They Failed at the original stelt and are determined not to fail again. But why does new xia not like foreigners?Can you use Powered kanoka in disk launchers? you might want to specify that, because some disksare basicaly god-modding loopholesWhich xian tech can you use? I'm pretty sure some of them can be overpowered. A full list would be nice.what about Vehicles? Vahki Transports? Can they be salvaged? (maybe given to players and factions in main plot? The tanks of the war, possibly?) And Ussal carts? Aan you use them? Even though most ussals were wild, when the factions pushed the rahi back they probably captured and tamed some, right? Are some chutes still active? (as a side note, it would be cool if there was a seperate map withhighlighted chutes that work, but Thats just me being a perfectionist )since metru nui is/was a city, most of the combat would be in an urban environment, surrounded by half destroyed buldings and rubble, right? That sounds cool, IMO.I think it would be easier if you listed the masks that can be used instead of those that can'tEither way, you have my vote (And I'm already making profiles now)My thoughts on City of the Dead:It makes sense that stelt doesn't generally accept foreign species and the feudal military system: They Failed at the original stelt and are determined not to fail again. But why does new xia not like foreigners?Can you use Powered kanoka in disk launchers? you might want to specify that, because some disksare basicaly god-modding loopholesWhich xian tech can you use? I'm pretty sure some of them can be overpowered. A full list would be nice.what about Vehicles? Vahki Transports? Can they be salvaged? (maybe given to players and factions in main plot? The tanks of the war, possibly?) And Ussal carts? Aan you use them? Even though most ussals were wild, when the factions pushed the rahi back they probably captured and tamed some, right? Are some chutes still active? (as a side note, it would be cool if there was a seperate map withhighlighted chutes that work, but Thats just me being a perfectionist )since metru nui is/was a city, most of the combat would be in an urban environment, surrounded by half destroyed buldings and rubble, right? That sounds cool, IMO.I think it would be easier if you listed the masks that can be used instead of those that can'tEither way, you have my vote (And I'm already making profiles now)

Techn0geist · June 10, 2012

Concerning the Jutlin Sect from Surrender Unto The Hive;I have worked on their back-story, and given them a proper leader. Feel free to check them out. Also done a bit of editing, too.

The Lorax · June 10, 2012

The Lorax's review of Goodbye Innocence.First of all, wow. I'm loving this RPG, maybe even more than Rust, which I thought was fantastic. It would taka an awful lot to stop me voting for this.So basically, it's a prison break scenario. We have to avoid the Makuta and their servants while trying to find a way to escape (or maybe a bit more, if you can think big like that Skakdi). This is cool, because it has all the same positives as the post-apacolyptic RPS ( trying to avoid and/or fight back against whatever thing brought about the end of life as we know it in Metru Nui / the universe / wherever), but the story can go mich wider and deeper as well, which I really like.The whole story invites so many different possibilities I don't even know where to sttart with making my characters.The intro is well written, and shows us just how scary those black things can be. There is a nice sense of hope at the end, which is nice, considering the escapees really aren't in such a good position. It makes the RPG feel slightly optimistic.The history, and here's where things get interesting. Teridax never succeeded in his plan, but he was stopped by the other Makuta of all people. Together, they crushed the universe, and now rule it together. Who would ever have thought the Makuta would be able to do so much when they worked together? I suppose it must be the first time they ever stopped hating each other and tried it.Even Vezon makes an appearance, but, what? For a sudden attack out of nowhere, that really did come out of nowhere. No connection to anything, and then BAM! - Vezon. That is certainly his style. :)The locations are quite short, but they still do the job adequately. Nothing too special here, just the message that this place will be difficult to travel around in, even without all the BoM soldiers.Factions. The Bom is more powerful than ever, (eek!). They're mad, and they want to kill the escapees. The escapees are basically everyone else, and can be practically anyone. Except rahkshi characters: they have to be part of the BoM.Hold a minute. Rahkshi. Characters. Rahkshi characters. We can do that? Bonus!There are two leaders within the escapees: the one who just wants to escape and the Skakdi who has more ambitious plans. I'm quite a fan of the Skakdi, so its good to see one of them being something other than a dumb thug. Speaking of Skakdi, I might make that one who was sweating in the intro a PC...Anyway, back to the game before I start ranting about Skakdi.The nestari are looking very menacing, even outside of their home in the prison. They make an excellent group of brain-sucking monsters. I think you meant to say "memory alteration" not "memory altercation". Not playable, but I can live with that. They are very powerful after all. It is good that you've taken the time to explain their history and background rather than just pullin gthem out of nowhere.Rahkshi-Nul. When I started reading about these super-rahkshi, I thought they would be amazingly cool, but I came out the other end feeling a bit disappointed. They're part organic now, but that comes with its own disadvantages compared to being made of unfeeling metal, even if they are a bit smarter. Other than that, all they got was being stronger than a toa (which I thought they were anyway - I'll go and check) and having acute senses. Not at all the suped-up awesomesauce I was expecting. Maybe you see it differently, but these guys don't seem as powerful as they are hyped up to be. Maybe another low-level power could fix this, like stage 3 or something.The Rahkshi Prime. Now here's where the improvements really start. These guys aren't playable though, so I'm not sure how much of a role they will end up playing in the RPG.I'm not quite sure what I think opf the synapses, though I think the third sentence could use some extra words. Did you mean to say that the synapse make sure that those who are not allowed to can't teleport? The last sentence is missing an ending too. In essence, these things are only important to stop people from teleporting stright out of Karzhani without having to put in any effort. And communication too, but will Brotherhood agents need to be telepathic themselves to access this communication network?NPCs - Bitil is Bitil. We know about him already. A Rahkshi Prime is there too... dear me she looks powerful. Under her watch, I doubt there will be a second prison break. The escapee leaders don't look too unusual, but the profiles tell us everything we need to know about them. If I were to pick one to follow, it would definitely be the Skakdi guy, but hey, I'm biased.As for the profile, everything looks to be in order. It is goodthat you made the provision for escapees to have stolen weapons on their way out, so they won't be at such a huge disadvantage compared to everyone else. No limit on the number of characters is cool, because there are so many different ways for people to run with this RPG. I'm thinking of getting rid of the limit on my own entry.Rules are rules are rules, but I'll make a couple of comments. A rule about using good grammar, and then you go and use a preposition to end a sentence. I'm being picky here, but there is a certain irony. "to do so" would be better. We have to notify the GM before killing our characters? This seems a bit odd - is there some special plan involved? Finally, players must have fun. This can only be a good thing.So in conclusion, I think this RPG is brilliant. Bring on voting so it can win already! :happydance:

Edited June 10, 2012 by The Lorax

**Grantaire** · June 10, 2012

It makes sense that stelt doesn't generally accept foreign species and the feudal military system: TheyFailed at the original stelt and are determined not to fail again. But why does new xia not like foreigners

Simple: the vortixx are already incredibly sexist, why shouldn't they be racist as well?

Can you use Powered kanoka in disk launchers? you might want to specify that, because some disksare basicaly god-modding loopholes. maybe you could specify which ones you can use?

I don't know of any Kanoka disks that are overpowered, save perhaps great disks?

Which xian tech can you use? I'm pretty sure some of them can be overpowered. A full list would be nice.

The only one near overpowered is the kanoka blade. But Really, both canon and custom Xian tech is legal; if it is overpowered, it just won't get approved.

What about Vehicles?

They're legal.

Vahki Transports? Can they be salvaged? (maybe given to players and factions in main plot? The tanks of the war, possibly?)

I'll think about that.

And Ussal carts? Can you use them? Even though most ussals were wild, when the factions pushed the rahi back they probably captured and tamed some, right?

Yes, if there's logical basis for them being around. It is logical that there would be ussals used by the settlers, especially those that were used before the cataclysm.

Are some chutes still active? (as a side note, it would be cool if there was a seperate map withhighlighted chutes that work, but Thats just me being a perfectionist )

As of the start of the RPG, no.

since metru nui is/was a city, most of the combat would be in an urban environment, surrounded by half destroyed buldings and rubble, right? That sounds cool, IMO.

Yes, destroyed urban combat will be common.

I think it would be easier if you listed the masks that can be used instead of those that can't

That would be one long list. i think it's easier to list what masks you cannot use, and then let people use biosector or their own memories for the rest.

Either way, you have my vote (And I'm already making profiles now)

Awesome, I'm glad to hear. But yeah, I think I still have a number of minor edits to make; thanks for the review.

The Lorax · June 10, 2012

Can you use Powered kanoka in disk launchers? you might want to specify that, because some disksare basicaly god-modding loopholes. maybe you could specify which ones you can use?
I don't know of any Kanoka disks that are overpowered, save perhaps great disks?

What about reconstitute at random? One hit with one of these and you're transformed into who-knows-what. Being forcefully changed from a toa into some mutant beasty-thing isn't something most people would want for their characters. It happened to one unfortunate disk-duelling Matoran - he ended up as an exhibit in the archives.

**Grantaire** · June 10, 2012

...Being hit by an explosive fireball will turn you into a pile of ash. I don't see how the reconstitute at random disk is overpowered, in light of bionicle powers. it has to connect after all. And hey, at least your character (might) live through it.

Toa Levacius Zehvor · June 10, 2012

Yeah. Overpowered would be collecting 300 Reconstitute at Random disks of the 8th level, and then focusing energy through all of them at once into a single beam fired at a massive energy directing prism that would cause everything on the island, including the island, to be reconstituted at random. Wait, I just gave away my plan...

My Review of Fatal Error

I bet you Chell could get out of this place alive. You really can't stop a Determinator.The natives are humanitarians. Or matoranitarians, as it is.INTRODUCTION: This is good. I wonder who (not what, who) took the ship down, though....STORY: Put my characters in danger? See, this is why you have elemental powers.LOCATION: How do we know the aliens are at the volcano?I'm blowing up the volcano.CHARACTER CREATION: Very simple.STAFF PROFILES: I call dibs on killing the grey Agori. I also want to tell you that the Mask of Valor can only be worn by a Toa Kaita, and Trakuda is not a Toa Kaita. I think. Doesn't say he is.RULES: Are not there. You need a rules list pal. FINAL ANALYSIS: This RPG doesn't have any rules other than, apparently, that I can't flame, spam, flood, or double post my enemies, and immediately sucks because of that. End review. This isn't even worth of my full signature...lev_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This joke is getting old now. I'm overusing it way too much.FINAL ANALYSIS: In all seriousness, you do need to actually put some work into your rules list. There's nothing there. You might want to consider giving a section devoted to the ship as well, since people are going to want to know what's in there. We might be forced to turn it into a defensive post if worst comes to worst, and worst will likely come to worst eventually.And make sure to note what I said in the main topic. Even if you see a hopeless situations, that players will not. It's best to assume everybody playing your RPG is an insane genius, even if only half of them are insane geniuses. Probably at least half will be insane, and none will be geniuses, but you need to think of it from that standpoint.There are not two endings, I promise you that. Unless you have a Mask of Clairvoyance in real life, in which case, will the US economy ever get better?-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

Edited June 10, 2012 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

Wade. · June 11, 2012

My review on Transformation

Intro and Summary: Very nice start and I love how you present the gravity and absolute horror of the situation in the introduction when everyone wakes up and screams. Adds a nice touch and sets the mood. The summary's got all that you need to know, gives you detailed information while remaining clear and isn't completely put in layman's terms. I really like the concept of going back to the days of Zakaz when Spiriah's experiment was taking place, pretty much allowing us to flesh out the events taking place and creating its story. Another plus is that we could also import Skakdi characters from the BZPRPG and play as them post prior to the events of the BZPRPG, fleshing out their lives even further. Like honestly, how cool is that?

Factions: So we've pretty much got your typical factions, being the government with its peacekeeping force (aka the popo), Nektann's Rebels wanting to make the best out of this ordeal and use his new-found powers to further his own goals, Makuta's Devotees who are the bad boys trying to keep the infection going and the neutral fellas. We don't need any more official ones than that and they're all varied and what the game needs. Obviously people will flock to the creation of their own factions since it offers so much more potential to gameplay so I'm glad you encourage it.

Locations: I've got say, the locations are really well thought up and don't take much description to give a good idea of their terrain. I like that you've also indicated what type of purpose they serve and what the locals are like however I'm curious on one thing:

Is there much chaos running rampant in the villages despite the government's attempts? Meaning crime, people abandoning their jobs and homes, etc.

Character Creation: Everything seems to be in order here, along with a description of Skakdi before the infection.

Overall, this RPG's well-made however I find it may be vulnerable to personal taste. Like I said earlier on, this is a potential candidate for my third vote and would definitely play it if it won. If I were only reviewing your RPG at the moment, I'd give you more details but since that's not the case, I'll leave you with this and wish you the best of luck in the contest.

My review of Surrender Unto The Hive

Story: So we've pretty much got us an all out war with Vahki who are taking over the city and killing organics to and fro, the typical resistance and some group mixed with psychos who worship their new robot overlords and those who think siding them is the best way to survive, despite that they're in the wrong and will probably just get killed unless Xorakh decides to make good use of them.

Viva la Robolution!

Sorry, I had to do that. Anyways, it's your typical post-apocalyptic RPG set in Metru-Nui with robot overlords taking over, the typical type I like. Well explained, used layman's terms in the Summary (I'm fine with that) and it has some big potential.

Factions: I'm going to start with the Vahki Empire. While we all know what these bad boys are (should at least), I believe that just a bit a better description filled with more detail and information is in order. I also have a question: what's the pneumatic wrecking arm like? Is it some super-powered jack hammer or something?

The resistance is the resistance so you've pretty much got that down. Maybe some more detail would be nice. As for the Jutlin Sect: description's good however I wouldn't consider all of them madmen as some may just be Vahki fanatics while others are simply survivalists, being actually good people who want to live and have resorted to this tactic. How big are their numbers and just how powerful are they?

Subfactions are obviously going to be made and if this wins, I'm totally making an all Vahki faction defecting from the empire who simply wish to coexist with organics.

Locations: I'm going to be honest, you lack a lot of information on the current status of the Metrus and such. Flesh them out some more, make them come to life. Are some Metrus partially destroyed due to war? That would be pretty cool since Vahki would be attempting to rebuild the city for their own purposes, modifying many buildings to suit robotic purposes and such while adding more to the environment for everyone. Are the chutes still active?

Character Creation: Pretty basic however I'm curious about the technology level. I'm imagining the Vahkii have some pretty fancy gizmos, obvious due to the fact that they're machines and the other factions have the cheap, weaker and outdated stuff.

My finals thoughts on the RPG are positive and I'd totally play if it won. I just think you could give it more life by adding some more details and creativity to this entry so it could really stand out. Good luck man.

My Review of Goodbye Innocence

Story: The story's original, unique and pretty much set up in a universe where Makuta have become the new evil overlords of the world. Cool beans. You've got me curious about what's being built on Mata-Nui and why Vezon and his pet decided to show up out of the blue in Karzahni. Nice setting and explanation of the current situation and where we're at in the story.

Locations: So we're pretty much stuck in Karzahni, many just having escaped jail while others are still stuck. In this case, it gives many players to attempt prison breaks, go back to the prison like madmen to get some friends out, etc. Other escapees will be too busy basking in their newfound freedom and won't miss a beat to keep pushing through to escape. Just where they will end up is a mystery and I have the feeling that the map will expand eventually. Other than that, there's not much which isn't as disappointing as I would have though. In conclusion, this has great potential.

Factions: Straightforward and to the point. The BoM characters have the focus to prevent prisoners from escaping and/or capturing those who are free from their grasp at the moment. Of course, they get the big bad Rahkshi although I think I would have preferred the original as opposed to bio mechanical ones. Didn't the original ones already have strength and senses that surpass those of a Toa?

The Escapees simply have to survive their mad dash for freedom, help out those still stuck in prison if they so wish, bicker among themselves and keep pushing through. I'm sure alliances will be formed and eventually it will become divided into different groups. A wide variety of possibilities is present within this group.

Overall, this RPG's got quite a lot of potential and I'm sure it would be a blast to play. Good luck.

The Lorax · June 11, 2012

My review on Transformation
Intro and Summary: Very nice start and I love how you present the gravity and absolute horror of the situation in the introduction when everyone wakes up and screams. Adds a nice touch and sets the mood. The summary's got all that you need to know, gives you detailed information while remaining clear and isn't completely put in layman's terms. I really like the concept of going back to the days of Zakaz when Spiriah's experiment was taking place, pretty much allowing us to flesh out the events taking place and creating its story. Another plus is that we could also import Skakdi characters from the BZPRPG and play as them post prior to the events of the BZPRPG, fleshing out their lives even further. Like honestly, how cool is that?
Backstories will be cool to write, but they might not always go as planned. In an alternate universe, virtually anything can happen. If you're trying to write the history of a Skakdi who came from the canon Zakaz and the war gets stopped somehow, you might have a few problems. That's allright, though, because writing an alternate-universe version of a well known character can be awesome too. This could be for a BZPRPG character what Dark Mirror was for Tuyet.
Factions: So we've pretty much got your typical factions, being the government with its peacekeeping force (aka the popo), Nektann's Rebels wanting to make the best out of this ordeal and use his new-found powers to further his own goals, Makuta's Devotees who are the bad boys trying to keep the infection going and the neutral fellas. We don't need any more official ones than that and they're all varied and what the game needs. Obviously people will flock to the creation of their own factions since it offers so much more potential to gameplay so I'm glad you encourage it.
I don't think that the Makuta's Devotees are necessarity the bad guys. Remember that this takes place long before the Brotherhood revealed themselves to be evil. Some people will be in this faction for security - because they are scared by what is happening to them and they think the Makuta knows what's going on. Others will join because they think that Spiriah is "the biggest bully in the playground" and that this will be the winning side. This faction takes all sorts - as do they other two really, though I guess not as much.
I'm glad you like the option to create your own groups, and I really hope that lots of people do.
Locations: I've got say, the locations are really well thought up and don't take much description to give a good idea of their terrain. I like that you've also indicated what type of purpose they serve and what the locals are like however I'm curious on one thing:
Is there much chaos running rampant in the villages despite the government's attempts? Meaning crime, people abandoning their jobs and homes, etc.
Karz yes! Would you keep on going to school if you and all you classmates and teachers suddenly turned into zombies? No way! I think I said somewhere that there is a lot of looting and fighting going on (I just checked. Story so Far, Day 3). With that said though, most people still don't know much about their new natures, and exactly what the Transformation did to them. This uncertainty has kept some from going all-out on destruction, but now that no more changes are happening, that might change. Most of the infrastructure in the villages is still in tact, as well as a lot of houses, but shops are generally in pretty bad shape. Atia is a slightly different story, because Nektann and Co. have been running around attacking people, while there are more government people here to combat them. There will be areas of the city where things are relatively calm, while in other parts there will be nothing but rubble and chaos. It all depends where you want to throw your characters in.
Character Creation: Everything seems to be in order here, along with a description of Skakdi before the infection.
Overall, this RPG's well-made however I find it may be vulnerable to personal taste. Like I said earlier on, this is a potential candidate for my third vote and would definitely play it if it won. If I were only reviewing your RPG at the moment, I'd give you more details but since that's not the case, I'll leave you with this and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Thanks for the review, TX. If there's anything you would change about this game that would make you more likely to vote for it, let me know. I'm open to suggestions. As for personal taste, no RPG is everyone's cup of tea. Last contest (or maybe it was the one before) I remember someone saying that when designing an RPG, they tried to make one that they would want to play. I think that applies to just about everyone, and that's what I tried to do here. Hopefully other people like it too, but I'm not too worried if a few people hate it.

Toa Levacius Zehvor · June 11, 2012

"Water."Strao sits around the room, up until the point that the lady inexplicably calls him "Buddy"And eyes... open.A really big guy wakes up Strao, and they watch the Elite Mook guarding them. They're taken out, given assignments to work on in the prison. Suddenly, there's an explosion.Everyone runs for it. They trample the Elite Mooks and everyone else. They are free.

Review of Goodbye Innocence

Hello cynicism?HISTORY: So, changed history. A few problems. Namely, every single Makuta accepts they would go mad. Problem with that is that Makuta are the most arrogant and prideful species there - they would never willingly admit to each other they would go mad with power and betray the others. Also, remember that nobody was told by Teridax exactly how the plan would end. They never knew Teridax would replace Mata-Nui; they only knew that in the end, the Brothehood would have control. Also, the Convocation is something called by the Brotherhood leader, or somebody vying for that position. So who called it?Also, Makuta are telepaths, but they do not have psychic powers that can force a being out of their body. Not to mention Teridax would flee long before then and go possess somebodies body or something else nasty like that.LOCATIONS: Totally investing in that Mask of Rahi Control.FACTIONS: Nothing to see here.SPECIES AND PEOPLE: Nestari. Do you know what I think of monsters that try to dig into my mind?Nothing. Because they don't exist in the real world. Luckily.Rahkshi Prime? What are these, Geth?PROFILES: Simple enough here.RULES & CONSEQUENCES: Simple enough here.FINAL ANALYSIS: This RPG looks pretty good, and I believe it would be quite enjoyable if it won. I can insert my favorite character here quite easily, and I think that it's up there in my list of RPGs I'll vote for, if not in the top 3 (haven't fully decided that one yet). There were a few problems that I noted up above as far as the story, but other than that, it looks pretty good. Good luck in the contest. -Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

a goose · June 11, 2012

@Lev: Thankyou for catching the reference. XDLOCATION: Because Keuirce's ship was there, and he escaped it, and found the aliens along the way.STAFF PROFILES: Hold on, you want to kill THE ONE GUY WHO HAS FACED THE THREAT YOU CURRENTLY FACE AND LIVED, AND IS THEREFORE YOUR ONLY HOPE? XDRULES: I'll put up a section for rules as soon as I can.FINAL ANALYSIS: Actually, I'm working on a section about the ship. It IS going to become a defensive post though, I can tell you that. :PI can make pretty hopeless situations. For instance, even some of MY characters die.I'll put in those things you suggested, and I'm allowing Trakuda to have a Mask of Valour, even though normal PCs can't put them on their Toa (sorry, guys).

Toa Levacius Zehvor · June 11, 2012

I'll put in those things you suggested, and I'm allowing Trakuda to have a Mask of Valour, even though normal PCs can't put them on their Toa (sorry, guys).

It's not that which concerns me. It's the fact that the Mask of Valor, the powers of Valor, are bound to a single individual. There is only one, and it's used by only one being. You might as well give somebody and Avohkii and say "Well, we just made another one of thoseunique and quasi-legendary masks as well." You could, instead, give him three different masks. Or, heck, upgrade to Golden Kanohi. At least there were a number of those.-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

a goose · June 11, 2012

I don't see why the amount of particular masks would be so important, especially seeing as it isn't canon.However, just pointing something out: we only KNOW of one. That is not to say that there is only one. For instance, there was one Krahkann, one Avohkii, one Olisi, one Ignika, one Vahi, and one Mask of Creation. However, there were two of the Olmak, which is often counted alongside these 'overpowered' masks.There is a possibility that there was more than one Mask of Valour.Also, if it weren't for my complaints, Trakuda would have around twenty different weapons, and power over ice, fire, and gravity — I thought the Mask of Valour seemed pretty reasonable compared to this, especially seeing as Trakuda now has no elemental powers.

The Lorax · June 12, 2012

The Lorax's thoughts on Strike from the Shadows.The adaptation of the Larry Norman song makes a nice intro. Calamity strikes Metru Nui unexpectedly, and the lament is very appropriate.I've already given my thoughts on the summary in the other topic. so I won't say much here. It sets the scene clearly and it seems completely plausible based on canon up to that point in history. There are a few minor changes to fit with making the scenario into and RPG, but they don't at all look out of place. This gives us everything we need to know about the setting.The locations are short and sweet. Simple but effective. I myself prefer elaborately described locations (as anyone who has read Transformation will know), but hey, this is Metru Nui. We have 2 years of story describing this place, so you only needed to say what was different. From that angle, they're fine.Just one question I have: why would the Ko-matoran scholars continue as if nothing had happened? If I were them, I would be frantically searching the skies for any foreknowledge that might help with the war. If a prediction was found that the toa would lose, they would all be fleeing. If the stars said that the toa would prevail, all the better.The two factions and species descriptions aren't anything we don't know already, so I'll just skip over these.Onto the major characters. Dume turns out to be unexpectedly powerful, a far cry from the "old wise guy weakling" stereotype of Turaga we are used to. I'm guessing that you did this to make it difficult for the DH's to capture/kill him. That really would be a challenge now, especially with the difficulties of breaking to the coliseum and getting past the elite toa protectors. The weapons heading isn't bolded like the rest.Lhikan is essentially the Lhikan we know and love.Lariska doesn't have a lot of new info either. They're just there doing what they did in canon for their respective sides. I'm a bit relieved that they weren't as long as Dume's profile.An unknown ending is cool, as is the hint that you might bring some bits of the canon story into play. "Everybody would know the beginning"? Don't you mean the ending, or the end from the beginning? This confuses me.Quests look cool. I wonder what missions Dume and TSO might send characters on, and if they will contradict each other.TSO: You must find Dume and assassinate him.Lhikan: You must protect Dume at all costs.And it turns out we can have canon DHs, and even Toa Mangai! My dibs on Devastator still stands, once I figure out a way to earn him. :DFinally, tech. We can use Xian stuff? Awesome!Six character limit. This is higher than most entries. Once again, I'm happy about this, because therre is a lot I'd like to try out in this game.On the komau and other means of mind control, does the canon limit of not being able to force beings to do anything against their morals still apply?On the profile, the species section still contains a reference to New Xia and Stelt factions. otherwise, looking good.

There are a limited number of troops for each side, please, I don't want to see a hundred+ die in a few days. I

Was there meant to be another sentence after this, or is the hanging "I" just a typo?Overall, this is looking like a very good RPG. Things aren't too complicated, but the story still has lots of potential for twists and turns. Playing as Dark Hunters is an exciting prospect, and getting a shot at the canon ones is even better. City of the Dead was cool, but I think this is an even better entry. I wish you luck in the rest of the contest.

**Grantaire** · June 12, 2012

Just one question I have: why would the Ko-matoran scholars continue as if nothing had happened?

Because I wrote that description at the last minute, and am waiting for better descriptions of Le and Ko Metru. But yeah, you raise a valid point.

Onto the major characters. Dume turns out to be unexpectedly powerful, a far cry from the "old wise guy weakling" stereotype of Turaga we are used to. I'm guessing that you did this to make it difficult for the DH's to capture/kill him. That really would be a challenge now, especially with the difficulties of breaking to the coliseum and getting past the elite toa protectors. The weapons heading isn't bolded like the rest.

That and the fact that I couldn't resist having a warrior turaga (he's my staff character.)

Lariska doesn't have a lot of new info either. They're just there doing what they did in canon for their respective sides. I'm a bit relieved that they weren't as long as Dume's profile.

Lariska is very bareboned; I essentially copied biosector info. When Dovydas gets back from his two week hiatus, he can edit her to his heart's content.

An unknown ending is cool, as is the hint that you might bring some bits of the canon story into play. "Everybody would know the beginning"? Don't you mean the ending, or the end from the beginning? This confuses me.

Meant the ending, sorry.

Quests look cool. I wonder what missions Dume and TSO might send characters on, and if they will contradict each other.TSO: You must find Dume and assassinate him.Lhikan: You must protect Dume at all costs.

TSO is chilling on Odina right now. Lariska is the main Dark Hunter leader.

On the komau and other means of mind control, does the canon limit of not being able to force beings to do anything against their morals still apply?

I'll edit that, but I'm putting it on an it depends basis. I would say that for a person with a strong mind and set beliefs, it would be impossible to get him to act against hi principles, but for say a weaker minded person with no firmly set beliefs, it would be possible, except on their fundamental core beliefs-Ehh, I'll stick with the canon, in other words.

On the profile, the species section still contains a reference to New Xia and Stelt factions. otherwise, looking good.

Snap. :-|

Was there meant to be another sentence after this, or is the hanging "I" just a typo?

I... Can't remember.

Overall, this is looking like a very good RPG. Things aren't too complicated, but the story still has lots of potential for twists and turns. Playing as Dark Hunters is an exciting prospect, and getting a shot at the canon ones is even better. City of the Dead was cool, but I think this is an even better entry. I wish you luck in the rest of the contest.

I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the review.

Edited June 12, 2012 by Zarayna: The Quiet Light

Toa Levacius Zehvor · June 12, 2012

Zarayna you have a terrible sense of humor. Because if you had a good one, your second-to-last response would have merely been 'I'. Not that you can't remember. Just 'I'. That's it. And as you put it, you have Lariska acting as the TSO's Dragon instead of going down himself. :PBecause he'd just kill everybody with eyebeams.I already gave you a huge write up for your last RPG (which I think you replaced just so I couldn't play an Outcast King, but whatever man) so you're just getting a final analysis.FINAL ANALYSIS: The RPG is pretty good. No better than CotD in my opinion. See, my problem is the fact that you have left room for character options... within two factions rather than a large number. There's also a lot less story involved, as well. It's just an RPG set during the Toa/Dark Hunter War; there's nothing really any more special about it than you ought to expect from that point in history. A few things I liked were allowing players to take the canon Hunters if they do well, but I can see a bunch of the more powerful ones, more powerful than the base player, being taken, whilst others are left abandoned and never detailed any further.All in all, there's a few character concepts I had for CotD I'll no longer be able to use, but I guess this does open up a few new ones for me. It just seems to offer quite a bit less variety. Plus you replaced evil Visorak with good Vahki, and I hate Vahki almost as much as I hate Visorak. I just hate mooks.One question - prior to the war, the Kanohi Dragon was released by the Hunters, namely a trio of Piraka, and released upon the city, and a bunch of Toa (either fourteen with Toa of Ice in them, or fourteen Toa of Ice part of the group - either way there were a lot of Toa of Ice though) were forced to wear it down and then ship it to Xia. Did this still happen, or do we still have a Kanohi Dragon somewhere to the south we can unleash.-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

P.S. Scroll down for the real review.P.P.S. I lied.

Edited June 12, 2012 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

The Lorax · June 12, 2012

Lev, where are you getting that 14 from? When the DHs released the Kanohi Dragon, it was the Toa Mangai who fought it off. They had 11 members, including 4 toa of ice.Also, I think your question might be answered in Lhikan's profile:

His caution was remarked upon by Nidhiki, when Nidhiki reminded him of how Lhikan once thought that smoke coming from something meant the return of the Kanohi Dragon.

This seems to imply that Lhikan and his team have fought the Kanohi Dragon and defeated it. Whether it was sent to Xia in this alternate universe, however, is up to Zarayna to decide. Cool idea, by the way. If it is still on Metru Nui, I will be making a Hunter to go and free it once again.

Toa Levacius Zehvor · June 12, 2012

Lev, where are you getting that 14 from? When the DHs released the Kanohi Dragon, it was the Toa Mangai who fought it off. They had 11 members, including 4 toa of ice.Also, I think your question might be answered in Lhikan's profile:
His caution was remarked upon by Nidhiki, when Nidhiki reminded him of how Lhikan once thought that smoke coming from something meant the return of the Kanohi Dragon.
This seems to imply that Lhikan and his team have fought the Kanohi Dragon and defeated it. Whether it was sent to Xia in this alternate universe, however, is up to Zarayna to decide. Cool idea, by the way. If it is still on Metru Nui, I will be making a Hunter to go and free it once again.

Where did I get 14 from? Because I didn't do my research and was thinking 1's and 4's. That's why. :PBut yeah, that answers my question, thanks.-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

**Grantaire** · June 12, 2012

One question - prior to the war, the Kanohi Dragon was released by the Hunters, namely a trio of Piraka, and released upon the city, and abunch of Toa (either fourteen with Toa of Ice in them, or fourteen Toa of Ice part of the group - either way there were a lot of Toa of Ice though) were forced to wear it down and then ship it to Xia. Did this still happen, or do we still have a Kanohi Dragon somewhere to the south we can unleash.

Eleven, I'm pretty sure it was eleven; the Toa Mangai namely. And yes, it happened, everything up to this point unless otherwise specified is according to the canon. And if you read Lhikan's history, you'll see mention of it.

All in all, there's a few character concepts I had for CotD I'll no longer be able to use, but I guess this does open up a few new ones for me. It just seems to offer quite a bit less variety. Plus you replaced evil Visorak with good Vahki, and I hate Vahki almost as much as I hate Visorak. I just hate mooks.

Quite frankly, one of my biggest fears in CotD was lack of knowledge on what to do with the story, just because of all the factions I made.

FINAL ANALYSIS: The RPG is pretty good. No better than CotD in my opinion. See, my problem is the fact that you have left room for character options... within two factions rather than a large number. There's also a lot less story involved, as well. It's just an RPG set during the Toa/Dark Hunter War; there's nothing really any more special about it than you ought to expect from that point in history. A few things I liked were allowing players to take the canon Hunters if they do well, but I can see a bunch of the more powerful ones, more powerful than the base player, being taken, whilst others are left abandoned and never detailed any further.

Some Dark Hunters will not be allowed, precisely because of being overpowered.

The Lorax · June 12, 2012

Just one more question I forgot to put in the review.If a canon DH/Toa Mangai is given as a reward, will that character count as part of the limit of 6 or is it extra? Will people going for one of these need to leave a spot open for them, and keep to five characters while they try to earn them?

**Grantaire** · June 12, 2012

If a canon DH/Toa Mangai is given as a reward, will that character count as part of the limit of 6 or is it extra? Will people going for one of these need to leave a spot open for them, and keep to five characters while they try to earn them?

I'll say extra slot that is lost if the character dies. Ergo, if you have six characters, get a seventh though cotest, and that seventh dies, you cannot replace him without killing another character as well.

The Lorax · June 13, 2012

Don't suppose anyone can take a look at my RPG, let me know what think?

Sure. Here goes.The opening of this RPG is rather confusing for me, and reading the rest of it doesn't clear this up for me. Are we on Metru Nui, Mata Nui, or both? You talk about koros, which only existed on Mata Nui, infected rahi and roads (Metru Nui used chutes instead). On the other hand, most of your story seems to be about Metru Nui. Are there now some Matoran on both islands, with Makuta/Jerden ruling over both? Answer these questions and fix that up, and the game becomes a lot easier to understand.The two-times is an interesting concept, but how will it work if players truly have power to affect the story in both timelines? If, in the MT, the players actions make Makuta win the war, or somebody kills Jerden in that time (without coming back from the future), then the JT should never happen, and everybody in that half of the game is just left hanging. I'm not sure how you could solve this while keeping the unique structure of your game. Maybe you could only open up the MT for play once people have discovered time-travel? That way we have a set course of history and any changes players make to how it ends up can be explained that way.The profile section looks pretty standard, apart from the limit of 2 characters, who can only be toa or Matoran. I think 2 is lower than any other game in this contest. Is there a reason why you only wanted a few characters? It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it might mean people won't explore such a wide range of characters in the game. Also, is there any particular reason not to have a few Vortixx or Skakdi running around? If this is happening after the events on Mata Nui, they will be travelling throughout the universe, including Metru Nui.Is Makuta or Jerden keeping them out somehow?

Elrond of Rivendell · June 17, 2012

My review of The King's Game. Comments will be in the quote in red.

Sorry for the big spacing. My computer is acting funky on me. If someone could help fix the spacing, I would appreciate it.

The King’s Game

Congratulations! You have been chosen for the esteemed honor of competing in the King’s Game! Welcome to Isla Del Sol, where you will be spending the remainder of your time during the Game. The goal of the Game is simple. Survive and Kill. You and an unspecified number of others will be free to traverse this mighty island and harvest its resources. Build camps, fortresses and citadels to rise up and become the strongest being on the island. When you have built your empire, wage war with the other contestants and become the best. Think you’re the strongest? Venture to the Castillo del Rey and challenge the King himself.

To escape, you must win. To win, you must kill the King. Let the Games Begin!
The object of this game is simple: recruit allies, harvest natural resources, build you empire and take down King Solar. But you are not alone on the island. Others will try to topple your control and take your place on top.Ok, this is a good idea, but for the most part in theory. This sounds like a mix of Monopoly, Life, Risk, and Settlers of Catan. But this sounds like there will be only so many emperors, and a bunch of servants. We can't all be emperors. But the other contestants aren’t the only thing trying to take you down. Beware the sinister Harvester, an agent of the King who hunts down the weak and removes them from the game. Beware the seven Dukes of the Island, who stalk each of the environments and will try to put an end to your progress. And above all else beware the King, who will send down flaming meteors from his castle to cause chaos and destroy your hard work.Now I feel as if we're fighting the gods of Mount Olympus. This, again, is a good idea, but needs work.There is a major gap in your writing. There needs to be a reason that a king would bring everyone to an island, only to have them gang up and kill him. What is the story behind this game? Rules:· You may select one of the seven biomes to settle in (see below) or remain a nomad and travel the island freely.· Recruit other contestants to build your army and expand your hold over the island.· Fighting with other characters is encouraged, but fighting must be fair, no auto-dodging, auto-hitting, and above all else, no god-modding. The use of any of these will result in a warning, and repeated use will result in expulsion from the RPG.· You may have as many characters as you like, but when one of your characters dies, they’re dead for good. No redo, no blank slate characters, and no regeneration. Once you’re dead, you’re dead.· If you are killed in your base and have no other active characters in it, it is taken over by the invader. You can’t create a new character if one dies just so you can keep your stuff. If you want to take it back, do the same ting to the invader.· On that note, you are not allowed to magically appear inside someone’s base. You have to try and break in, and they have a chance to retaliate. (see below for different base types)· The Dukes are very powerful, and as such difficult to defeat. You CAN kill a Duke, but it won’t be easy, and if you manage to the other six will be after you at full force.· The Harvester is powerful, and replaceable. If you kill it, the King will send a new one. However, if you defeat it in battle, it will likely retreat before you can kill it and leave you alone for a while. It is one of the island’s traps, albeit a living, thinking trap.· Until you’ve built up your empire, don’t go after the King. He’s generally stronger than you, and if you challenge him, you will likely not succeed. Build an army, come at him full force, and your chances are much better.· The Game is over when the King is killed. Until then, you CANNOT LEAVE THE ISLAND. The seas are guarded by a multitude of traps and monsters.· You character MUST have a weakness. You are not invincible.· Keep an eye out for Secret Keepers. They will give useful information about various things on the island, for a price.· Play fair, have fun, and feel free to ask questions and offer suggestions.All very good rules. You thought this one out well. Making Your CharacterYour character is a Toa. You get one of the listed Elemental Powers, one of the listed Kanohi Masks and any weapon you choose to focus your power.Why not allow other species besides toa? If everyone is powerful, no one is. Besides, Skakdi are great warlords. Profile:Name:Gender:Element:Kanohi:Weapon:Personality:Weakness:Allowed Elements:FireWaterAirEarthStoneIceLightingSandSonicsMagnetismIronPlasmaThe GreenCUSTOM ELEMENTS MUST BE APPROVED FIRSTAllowed Kanohi:HauKaukauMiruKakamaPakariAkakuHunaMiruRuruMatatuCalixSanokArthronFaxonZatthPekhuiKualsiKirilCUSTOM KANOHI MUST BE APPROVED FIRSTBiomes:Forest: Trees, various harvestable herbs and plants, collect wood, etc. Good tree cover.Desert: Plains of sand. Cacti offer clean water. No cover.Bay: Secluded bay on the eastern coast. Offers clean water and fish. Some mountain cover.Cliffs: High, rocky area. Offers strong stone for building. Good mountain cover.Swamp: Wet, marshy area. Offers various mushrooms and some fish. Good tree cover.Plains: Flat area, good for building and fighting. Few resources. No cover.Arctic: Cold, unpleasant. No resources. Some mountain cover.Volcano: The home of King Solar. His castle sits atop a volcano in the center of the island. Guarded by Flame Giants. Cannot be settled in.Good Locations, but I would like to see a little more fleshing out of the lands around us. Staff controlled CharactersName: King Solar.Gender: Male.Element: All things hot and fiery. (Not a Toa)Kanohi: None. (Not a Toa)Weapon: Flame whip.Personality: King Solar rules Isla Del Sol with an iron fist. He is cruel, hot-tempered and very intelligent. He is also arrogant, and very twisted, bringing untold numbers of people to his island to fight and die for his amusement, using his own fiery traps to often kill them himself.Weakness: You don’t need to know just yet.All Dukes are Male and do not wear Kanohi.Name: Duke of the Forest.Element: Controls the forest. (Not a Toa)Weapon: Tree club.Personality: Stoic, arrogant and cunning. He uses the forest to his advantage, hiding in the trees and dropping down on his enemies. He can wrap roots and branches around his body to form an armor suit.Weakness: Fire.Name: Duke of the Desert.Element: Controls the sands.Weapon: Giant Kunai.Personality: Ever moving, creating sandstorms in his wake. He is cold, calculating and a bit of a coward, but powerful nonetheless. He would prefer to hide behind walls of sand than fight.Weakness: Water.Name: Duke of the Bay.Element: Controls the waters of the bay.Weapon: Trident.Personality: Calm and peaceful, he is the only Duke who will openly help players, often throwing fish onto the shore. However, he will not tolerate violence on his shores, and will attack any who fight near the bay.Weakness: Ice.Name: Duke of the Cliffs.Element: Controls the rocky cliffs.Weapon: Razor shield.Personality: Strong and silent, he challenges anyone who ventures to the cliffs. He is honorable and respects those stronger than him, but can be arrogant towards those who are weak.Weakness: Water.Name: Duke of the Swamp.Element: Controls the waters and plants of the swamp.Weapon: Twin swords.Personality: Fun loving and playful, he treats each battle like a game and hates losing, often pouting and retreating into the swampy waters.Weakness: Fire and Ice.Name: Duke of the Plains.Element: Controls the winds across the plains.Weapon: Chakrams.Personality: Arrogant and vain, he sees all the plains as his to rule as he pleases, and he punishes anyone caught wandering the grassy hills.Weakness: Fire.Name: Duke of the Arctic.Element: Controls the ice and snow of the arctic.Weapon: Greatsword.Personality: Cold and calculating. He always analyzes opponents before attacking, and moves with quick, cautious strikes. He seems to be curious about the contestants, and will help those he finds interesting.Weakness: Fire.Name: Flame GiantsElement: FireWeapon: Fists and flame breath.Personality: Angry and violent guards of the volcano biome. Never talk, always growl and roar loudly. Attack anything that moves.Weakness: Water and Ice.Name: The Harvester.Gender: Unknown.Element: Kinetic Energy. (Not a Toa)Kanohi: None. (Not a Toa)Weapon: Giant extending scythe, blade can swing down and become a spear.Personality: Devoid of emotion. The Harvester’s sole purpose is to hunt down and exterminate the weak. He hides his face beneath a steel mask without holes for his eyes or mouth, so he never has any facial expression. His movements are slow and fluid, but can become deadly fast and lethal. The Harvester will fight anyone it sees as weak, and if defeated it will retreat and leave the winner alone for a time. It is unknown how many there are, since when one is killed the King sends out another.Weakness: You don’t need to know just yet.

In summary, I think you have a pretty good idea going here. However, it seems more like a board game than an RPG. Flesh out the storyline, work on the terrain and landmarks. Make the owner of the island less god-like, and more approachable.-Bane

Evex_Wolfwing · June 18, 2012

Don't Worry, I haven't forgotten to return reviews.

TRANSFORMATION

By The Lorax

(This feels familiar)

Nice pic of Nektann.

So, same deal as before: Zakaz soon after the Skakdi were mutated. Gives the opportunity to explore the backgrounds of our Skakdi characters.

Typo: Rumors are flying that a Skakdi of Quo-nari named Makan has (or has amost) isolated a cure for the Skakdi’s mutation.

"almost".

Factions are factions. Basic "Order and Chaos" pair of groups, the Makuta's servants trying to keep everything under control (bet you wish you had some Rahkshi Prime

), unaffiliated guys, and the opportunity to make our own factions.

A rather nice map. The similarity to Matoran nomenclature in the location names raises my eyebrows, but it isn't a big deal really, just a matter of my own tastes.

Background information, lovely.

But... zombies are cool... D:

Profile is good, though I feel it could be compacted.

"Attack him and you die." But Spirah is so incompetent...

Oooooh, Toa Hagah. Something to keep an eye on. Nice.

Rules and more background info.

Well, as I've said before, I like Skakdi. But that isn't the only reason I'll vote. I like this RP, all the work you have put into it. You have my vote.

Waves of the South to come next. I'll respond to reviews of my own RP when I get around to it. Though yes, I'm mulling over the Rahkshi-Nul. Not sure how to buff them.

Edited June 18, 2012 by The One who is Gone

The Lorax · June 19, 2012

Don't Worry, I haven't forgotten to return reviews.
TRANSFORMATION
By The Lorax
(This feels familiar)
Nice pic of Nektann.

Thanks. It took me a while to find a MoC of Nektann that I really like, but I think this one just takes the cake. Again, big props to the builder.

So, same deal as before: Zakaz soon after the Skakdi were mutated. Gives the opportunity to explore the backgrounds of our Skakdi characters.

Typo: Rumors are flying that a Skakdi of Quo-nari named Makan has (or has amost) isolated a cure for the Skakdi’s mutation.

"almost".

GRALGAFLABAGRRRRRRRRRR.... :upset:

:upset: :upset:

*manicly claws at the walls because yet another typo has slipped through proof-reading* <_<

I hate typos. Thanks for pointing that out.

Factions are factions. Basic "Order and Chaos" pair of groups, the Makuta's servants trying to keep everything under control (bet you wish you had some Rahkshi Prime
), unaffiliated guys, and the opportunity to make our own factions.

Rahkshi Prime might tip the balance a bit far for this situation. Makuta's Devotees are a bit of an unknown right now. What exactly they want and what they will do are not commom knowledge on Zakaz. Anyway, these guys will soon have Spiriah and the Hagah to lead them. That should be enough firepower.

A rather nice map. The similarity to Matoran nomenclature in the location names raises my eyebrows, but it isn't a big deal really, just a matter of my own tastes.
Background information, lovely.
But... zombies are cool... D:

Zomies can be cool, but unkillable characters: not so much. When somebody has a spear through theur gut, half their face burnt off and blood pouring out of their neck, they shouldn't be able to get back up and keep fighting. That mask seems like a cheap way to be near-invincable.If you really want zombies, get a tryna instead.

Profile is good, though I feel it could be compacted.

If elemental, vision and third were put into one spot labeled "powers", it would be a lot shorter. I think the other one that isn't standard is the "Home Region". This is just to help players know who else lives in their neighbourhood, both so they can band together or scrap, and so they will be aware that characters from the same village probably know each other. It's not essential, but I think it's worth a try.Also, players are free to format the profile however they wish so long as it conveys the essential aspects of a character. The template I provided is just an example.

"Attack him and you die." But Spirah is so incompetent...

He's an incompotent super-powered-giant-titan-of-body-switching-gas-in extra-thick-protosteel-armour. With those advantages, he doesn't have to be amazingly compotent to vapourise people. Point taken though. His is a bit of a failwhale.

Oooooh, Toa Hagah. Something to keep an eye on. Nice.
Rules and more background info.
Well, as I've said before, I like Skakdi. But that isn't the only reason I'll vote. I like this RP, all the work you have put into it. You have my vote.
Waves of the South to come next. I'll respond to reviews of my own RP when I get around to it. Though yes, I'm mulling over the Rahkshi-Nul. Not sure how to buff them.

Thanks a lot. I'll go and fix those things right now.

Toa Fanixe · June 19, 2012

Don't suppose anyone can take a look at my RPG, let me know what think?
Sure. Here goes.The opening of this RPG is rather confusing for me, and reading the rest of it doesn't clear this up for me. Are we on Metru Nui, Mata Nui, or both? You talk about koros, which only existed on Mata Nui, infected rahi and roads (Metru Nui used chutes instead). On the other hand, most of your story seems to be about Metru Nui. Are there now some Matoran on both islands, with Makuta/Jerden ruling over both? Answer these questions and fix that up, and the game becomes a lot easier to understand.The two-times is an interesting concept, but how will it work if players truly have power to affect the story in both timelines? If, in the MT, the players actions make Makuta win the war, or somebody kills Jerden in that time (without coming back from the future), then the JT should never happen, and everybody in that half of the game is just left hanging. I'm not sure how you could solve this while keeping the unique structure of your game. Maybe you could only open up the MT for play once people have discovered time-travel? That way we have a set course of history and any changes players make to how it ends up can be explained that way.The profile section looks pretty standard, apart from the limit of 2 characters, who can only be toa or Matoran. I think 2 is lower than any other game in this contest. Is there a reason why you only wanted a few characters? It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it might mean people won't explore such a wide range of characters in the game. Also, is there any particular reason not to have a few Vortixx or Skakdi running around? If this is happening after the events on Mata Nui, they will be travelling throughout the universe, including Metru Nui.Is Makuta or Jerden keeping them out somehow?

Sorry about the Metru-Nui and Koro's mix-up. I've always preferred Mata-Nui to Metru-Nui, and just thought Koros apply to both islands. I changed Koros to Metru, so I hope that clears up the confusion.I've also addressed the whole killing Jerden/losing to Makuta issue, at least I think so. I hope the whole 'fixed event in time' concept works, making it clear what can and cant happen while still keeping the RPG fun and unique.I gave a short, unclear reason for the lack of different species, which will be explored further in the RPG. As for the 2 character limit, I wanted Players to play their characters with greater depth. While there are people that can play 17 characters execeptionally well, I think they are far and few in between, and that by keeping the char. limit low forces players to really explore and flesh out well-made, complicated characters. Also, I just wanted to really say thank you for reviewing the RPG, means a lot, especially when all the buzz is on other RPGs.

Evex_Wolfwing · June 19, 2012

I'M BAAAAAAAAACK!!!Time for... (paaause for dramatic effect)

Waves of the South

By Toa Levaicus Zehvor

(OR: Skyrim of the Sea)

Ah, Levacius and your worlds. I can always count on you to create a deep, engaging world for me to examine.

The history is history, and I enjoyed reading it. The locations are interesting.

The bit about Vortixx being the strongest physically took me off guard. But then, I suppose that if Roodaka could tear a Trawler worm out of the ground with her bare hands... Anyways, Pridak and Carapar's species could probably do with proper names. Have Skakdi already been given their powers? And Zyglak! Shall we partake in a que- *SHOT*

Factions are great. The Toa Council and the Xankah Order are redundant, but I suppose that is the point, adds tension as they compete for the same niche. There is a place for most everyone.

Player made factions, good... those seem to be on the rise.

So, wait. If a Toa joins the Coast Guard, he is treated as a traitor by the Council? Well, I know which faction I'll be having words with about "free will".

Rules. Moving on.

Finally stuff about Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey... stuff.

So... I love it.

Seriously, if I lose, I'll probably join this. It's a great world, and reminds me of a RP that I've had in the wings for a long time, and could never really pull together... So, in the memory of Empires at Sea, I shall support this.

The Lorax · June 19, 2012

The bit about Vortixx being the strongest physically took me off guard. But then, I suppose that if Roodaka could tear a Trawler worm out of the ground with her bare hands... Anyways, Pridak and Carapar's species could probably do with proper names. Have Skakdi already been given their powers? And Zyglak! Shall we partake in a que- *SHOT*

I think I can answer the point about Skakdi. At this point in history, Spiriah has not yet conducted his experiments on the Skakdi. Unless Lev decides to set this in a alternate timeline, our favourite race of barbarians look to be off the table, or maybe present in a different form.If this wins, all Zyglak characters will have to make at least one reference to the quest.

Toa Levacius Zehvor · June 19, 2012

The bit about Vortixx being the strongest physically took me off guard. But then, I suppose that if Roodaka could tear a Trawler worm out of the ground with her bare hands... Anyways, Pridak and Carapar's species could probably do with proper names. Have Skakdi already been given their powers? And Zyglak! Shall we partake in a que- *SHOT*
I think I can answer the point about Skakdi. At this point in history, Spiriah has not yet conducted his experiments on the Skakdi. Unless Lev decides to set this in a alternate timeline, our favourite race of barbarians look to be off the table, or maybe present in a different form.If this wins, all Zyglak characters will have to make at least one reference to the quest.

This man is 100% percent correct in his statement. All of the Skakdi in the universe are presumably still on Zakaz at this point waiting for Lorax's RPG to happen. Also, Zyglak receive lower XP rewards for killing, because they do it so much, but they gain bonus XP for quests.Vortixx... I need to correct that, actually. Steltians of Leader and Slave (Gladiator) classes are both stronger. Gladiator was able to thrash a bunch of Krekka's species and Sidorak supposedly possessed greater brute strength than anybody, even if he was daft.The Toa Council and Xankah Order are basically opposite sides of the same, good aligned coin. One believes in good being kept with orders and laws; the other believes it's by stopping evil completely. My favorite character would call them both wrong.A Toa can join the Coast Guard. Sort of. It's the very last line at the bottom of the Toa Council and Xankah Order. To put it simply, you ask to fight for another faction, and if you give a good enough reason, you're allowed to do so. Bascially you write a contract that says "Toa Bill shall fight for the Coast Guard for the term of twenty three years and one week, and shall be listed upon their charter for that period of time."Thanks for the compliments and review overall. :)Remember. Don't blink.-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

Evex_Wolfwing · June 19, 2012

The bit about Vortixx being the strongest physically took me off guard. But then, I suppose that if Roodaka could tear a Trawler worm out of the ground with her bare hands... Anyways, Pridak and Carapar's species could probably do with proper names. Have Skakdi already been given their powers? And Zyglak! Shall we partake in a que- *SHOT*
I think I can answer the point about Skakdi. At this point in history, Spiriah has not yet conducted his experiments on the Skakdi. Unless Lev decides to set this in a alternate timeline, our favourite race of barbarians look to be off the table, or maybe present in a different form.If this wins, all Zyglak characters will have to make at least one reference to the quest.

We need a player made faction comprised entierly of Zyglak, on a holy crusade to conquer the land.Leader needs to be a big cannibalistic female with an oversized sword also. Actually wouldn't put it past the Zyglak to be cannibals. Especially if food is limited wherever they are hiding. Would give a good motive to go out and try to conquer.Evex, stop it. You need to focus on your own RP.

The Lorax · June 22, 2012

A mini-review of Goodbye Innocence with the New and Improved Rahkshi-Nul 2.0

Rahkshi-Nul
In the years since the Destiny War the Makuta have been hard at work improving their Sons. The Rahkshi of old are no more, replaced by the superior Rahkshi-Nul, though they are still simply called Rahkshi by most. In addition to their natural power, a Rahkshi-Nul are physically stronger than a Toa, have more acute senses, often have another power, sometimes control over an element, sometimes something more unique, and on occasions another kratta power. Most Rahkshi-Nul command their Kratta Power around stages 3 through 5.Rather than a suit of armor controlled by a worm-like creature, the Rahkshi-Nul is a true biomechanical being. Their appearance is highly varied even among members with the same power. For the most part they generally follow a humanoid body-plan, hunched over, with a snake-like head and spines running down their back. The weapons they carry are also incredibly varied now, and are no longer necessary to use their powers.Rahkshi-Nul are sentient, though their minds are limited. They generally excel at fields relating to combat or mechanics, but have little grasp of politics or morals.Rahkshi-Nul are a playable race.

So I see you've decided to stick with the biomechanical thing. That's cool that you decided to go with your own take on Rahkshi - something that makes your game/world unique. Points for originality and sticking to your ideas. The uniqueness is one thing that I really like about this game, so it's good you kept that.Another change is that they also have more powers now, as was suggested in a couple of reviews. This will make things a lot more interesting, and, in my opinion, fun to play. It also balances the weaknesses of having organic bits. :)Kraata is spelled "kraata", by the way, not "kratta".The new powers are also a lot more varied. Elements, kraata powers or other, "something unique". I'm reading that as something akin to the Skakdi's unique abilities, but that might just be because I have Skakdi on the brain right now.

Maybe you could give an example or two?With all this variation between the relative strengths of powers all the way from stage three kraata to a full element, Judging the power levels of characters might get a little difficult. I suppose that's why you have the kraata powers varying between 3-6? That way if a character has a very strong second power like an element or a Skakdi-esque individual ability, their kraata power can get dialed back a bit. Again, examples would be useful if my above assumption was correct. Like, a Rahkshi-Nul with the element of gravity might only have a stage 3 disintegration kraata power (or whatever suits for that particular ability. Even within kraata stages, I find that the strengths of powers vary a lot), whereas another Nul with a weaker second power might be allowed a stronger kraata power.Overall, I think this version of the Rahkshi-Nul is an improvement on the last. Good job - I want this to win even more than before.EDIT: Here's something I just thought of: what has happened to Miserix? Is he still rotting on Artidax, or did the Federation of Fear get to him before this timeline diverged. If he is free, has he rejoined the Brotherhood? Is he in the maximum security wing on Tau Noi because Artidax wasn't a good enough prison? Edited June 23, 2012 by The Lorax

**Grantaire** · June 23, 2012

Official RPG Critics Club review!Okay, here we have a pretty straightforward intro, in the classic ‘oh no everything’s going wrong’ transmission. However, it’s quite riddled with spelling errors.First, none of the paragraphs end with periods, you might want to fix that.

Incoming transmission from Toa Kopeke…-transmission from Toa kopeke, five hundred years after the supposed "death" of makuta Terridax

You have some repetition here that should be avoided; cutting one of those lines out would be good. The first probably should go.The ‘t’ in transmission should be capitalized. The ‘k’ in kopeke should be capitalized. The ‘m’ in makuta should be capitalized in order to remain consistent with the capitalization of Toa. Lastly, Teridax only has one ‘r’.

Tahu was the first to be controlled, and he tried to fight it. But makuta was too strong.

As ‘makuta’ refers to a person, it should be capitalized.Overall, through no fault of spelling errors, the intro failed to grab me really. It’s like you threw the facts in my face, exposing everything right off the bat instead of leading into it in a way that draws the reader after you.History

It turns out that the biology is so close, agori can become toa through toa stones. New inventions, powered by concentrated elemental powers, give the ability to access elemental powers.

Um, no. agori and matoran are nothing like each other. Agori are biological with some implants, while matoran are cyborgs. Big difference.

Makuta appeared, as the vortex he was. Quickly sealing off the exits, he encircled the six with a shadow hand, and began to suck off their power. The other toa he captured, but Tahu was a different. Makuta absorbed Tahu, but also consumed him, replacing Tahu's essence with his. Tahu then became the figurehead for the Makuta empire.

‘The other toa he captured, but Tahu was a different’ needs serious rework, I cannot understand a word of it. Also, I think substance would look better than essence in the context.Next, the logistics: Makuta appears out of nowhere, alone from the information provided by the RPG, and takes out the toa. He then is in control of a toa body, and has power over shadow, and perhaps kanohi powers. So basically, he’s a toa of shadow. Yet somehow, he singlehandedly manages to take over a city? It doesn’t make sense, at all. How does his faction get to be the second largest? Who is supporting him? Why are they supporting him? You need to give a lot more information about this, because honestly, this history is rather bareboned.

So who will you be? Will you be a Mata Nui serving toa? An adventurer? A mercenary? It's up to you! You have the availability to access several new characters, ones with strange powers and even stranger personalities.

Please, change characters to races or species. Characters infers persons, and everything after this is talking about species and races that you can play as.

The original Toa-matoran-turaga cycle (general weaknesses: Matoran are weak and cannot access elemental powers, toa are not as strong or as fast as other species. Toa also cannot access elemental powers without recharging or they will run out)

I suggest you do some editing here; the entire section on toa was iffy. First, toa are, from what I understand, very agile and quite fast. Second, ‘they must recharge before using elemental power’ makes no sense. ‘They will run out of elemental energy if they use their power too much without recharging it’ would sound more lucid.

The Skakdi, now at least partially civilized (Weaknesses: Most are strong but not fast, most are dumb and know only how to fight, their elemental powers can only be accessed by working with another skakdi)

I dunno, the Piraka were regular skakdi and they didn’t seem dumb really at all.

Steltians, from leader to slave class (Weaknesses: Cannot access elemental powers or mask powers, lean on the strong side.)

The lower classes are not lean, they look like massive hulking hunks of armor and muscle.

Baterra, now sentient. These characters still have their animalistic hatred of weapons (You cannot use weapons, as a rule.) but they are very strong, and have almost kakama level speed and almost Pakari level strength.

Superspeed is not a power of the Baterra. Their power is shapeshifting, which you left out.Overall, the species section needs to be fleshed out; I coul get what the canon species are like, but the Bota Magna species need some definite fleshing out for me to be able to understand them. Lastly, what about other species? Just looking at the Dark Hunters, you can see there are tons of species from the MU you don’t mention, and some of them are seriously overpowered. Also, what about custom species?

The weaponry of the day is very advanced, to the point that some characters can own weapons that channel elemental power. These weapons cannot control elemental powers, but can only fire elemental bullets. Characters can own these weapons based on size. The elements are put into the weapons as ammo (Like bullets) and can only access the original six elemental powers.

Doesn’t sound very advanced to me at all; toa disks have just as much power, and a lot of weapons, Xian weapons to be specific, have powers that equal or exceed these. The weapons, overall, sound very weak. I’d take a few Xian weapons or a Rhotuka launcher over them any day.The character sheet:Needs a lot more, really, a lot more. Gender, appearance, powers, and personality, perhaps abilities as well would be good. You don’t have to flesh it out as much as my RPG does, but there are some essentials you’re missing.Current Factions:These also need fleshing out. Who leads each faction? Where do they operate from? Also, I’m going to take this opportunity to gripe about locations, or more accurately the complete lack of them. Really, I don’t know anything about this place besides the little snippets of info provided in the other parts. What cities are there other than New Atero? What about villages? What do they look like? These are basic things role players need to know.

You must go to the maze, and brave the dangers there (Get this approved first, come as a group of 4 or more or you'll die) to speak with Mata Nui. He may give you something for your troubles, though.

Wait, what? A maze? Mata Nui, this does not belong in rules, it belongs in the non existent locations section, which seriously needs to be added.

Random Chars will be kidnapped by shadows, and given as a sacrifice to Makuta. He gains one rahkshi power, and your char cannot be revived. This action may also happen if one of your chars is Metagaming, Godmodding, etc.

Erm, so basically any character can just be randomly kidnapped an killed by people we don’t know exist or who they are (remember, there’s no info whatsoever about makuta’s followers). From the point of view of a Role Player, this rule alone makes me never, ever want to play this. Sorry, but if I put energy into a character, I don’t want that character randomly killed for no reason with no chance to defend or escape.Overall, this RPG reminds me of a half starved animal; very little meat on the bones. You mention facts out of the clear blue, and don’t give further information on them, and often very little information in general. I suggest you flesh out the RPG a great deal, make the kidnapping only as a punishment (or at least give players a chance to get their character to escape it), add locations, maybe some character bios. There were also some spelling error I did not catch; mostly because I had already addressed their kind (lack of periods for instance).Don’t get me wrong, it’s a decent idea. It just needs a lot of work to make it into a good RPG. I hope this helps; good luck in the contest.

ZARAYNA

As the opposite of what you say is true, your statement must be erroneous.

RPG Forum Contest 24 Reviews

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