17 replies to this topic

[The Snark Knight]

Well, hello all. Some of you might know me as a reader of stories, more of you might know me from the RPG forum. And I sincerely hope that you don't know me from my failed attempts at epics on the old forum.

Well, regardless I have decided to try again. So, settle in, have some popcorn, and enjoy the ride.

Comments and Criticism are greatly appreciated.

The Story

Edited by Krayzikk Champion of RPGs, Feb 24 2012 - 11:49 PM.

[Floridian Citrus]

Well, I have to say, awesome start! The begining really brings up a lot of questions and plot devices. Like who are they? But don't tell me, I'm going to find out myself.

Imma be followin' dis? Oakee?

[The Snark Knight]

Hey, thanks. It's good to hear that the chapter actually accomplished what I hoped it would. And I won't tell you, but who they are will play a large part in this story.

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

Agreed the detail is very well done and the story appealing. Can't say too much since you only have the first chapter, but I'll keep an eye out for this.

[The Snark Knight]

Thank you very much. I'll be trying to put out new chapters on a fairly regular basis, so nobody ends up wondering where I disappeared to. Again, thank you for taking the time to read the start of my story.

[A billion cats]

Not a bad beginning, which is good, cause beginnings usually set the tone for the rest of the epic.

[Replicant]

This is quite the start. Multiple beings that all feud and argue, trapped on a Island, with almost no chance of escape. What could possibly go wrong?

[Wotsiznaim]

I'm liking this. Love the simple, one-syllable names, and the reality-TV-show concept

[thebeggerpie]

I was only disappointed at the lack of chapters.

I kinda wanna know what happens!

[The Snark Knight]

I was only disappointed at the lack of chapters.

I kinda wanna know what happens!

Bad Krayzikk, bad.

But! I can say with the utmost confidence that the next chapter will be up tomorrow at the latest. I just have a little more polishing to do, and then, it will be ready.

EDIT: New chapter posted.

Also, a question for you all. Would you prefer long chapters with a longer wait, or shorter chapters with a shorter wait? Note: This chapter is not an indication. RL delayed the writing of this chapter.

Edited by Krayzikk Champion of RPGs, May 06 2012 - 08:18 PM.

[thebeggerpie]

Longer chapters, shorter wait.

Oh, that's not a option, is it?

Well, I chose the former.

On the second chapter:

The scene with Mrak and Drin at the tree was slightly awesome.

Also, I assume this is Post-Terridex?

[The Snark Knight]

Yes and no. This epic doesn't follow the canon 100%. Everything goes normally, up until the Nuva awaken Mata Nui. When that happens, Makuta doesn't take control, and some Makuta survive to be captured and taken back to Metru Nui for trial and execution.

And yeah, I liked that scene as well.

Oh, there are so many Cehkov's Guns in this chapter...

Edited by Krayzikk Champion of RPGs, May 07 2012 - 04:13 PM.

[thebeggerpie]

Oh, so Mata Nui doesn't get launched, he stays in control.


Also, I'm having trouble seeing a scared Vortixx. I just never can think of them as being scared.

[The Snark Knight]

Oh, so Mata Nui doesn't get launched, he stays in control.


Also, I'm having trouble seeing a scared Vortixx. I just never can think of them as being scared.

Nope, Mata Nui is still in place.

And believe me, Mrak isn't nearly as scared as he's gonna get.

[thebeggerpie]

Can't wait.

[Replicant]

Dun dun dun DUUUUUUUUN.

The makuta 'statue' is certainly going to be busy killing everyone off.

Rather enjoying the survival/horror theme to the story. GIVE ME MORE.

[The Snark Knight]

Hey, I left y'all a present before I left for camp.

As usual, comments and criticism are greatly appreciated.

[Indigo Individual]

Alright-y then, let's get this started...
I'm going to go through every grammar and spelling error before explaining my thoughts on the epic itself, just to be constructive an' all.

CHAPTER 1

The passengers of this vessel, desperate as they were, had payed it’s owner a large sum to bring them to Metru Nui, a fact they would soon regret.

For the craft could not maintain it’s course for long.

The sea claimed it’s prize, owing it to the stupidity of one being, who refused to make landfall on a nearby island.

'It's' is used for 'it is'. Those should have 'its', which is for things belonging to 'it'.

The toa of fire

'Toa' should always be capitalised. The same goes for 'Turaga', and 'Matoran', and the elements (Fire, Psionics, etcetera).

CHAPTER 2

No, “‘m not kidding

Should be "No, I'm not kidding".

the only sign of it’s former state

This appears to be a common mistake in your writing, so I'd suggest keeping a careful eye out for it when proof-reading.

CHAPTER 3

Okay, first off, I despise the font that you're using in this chapter. I much preferred the plainer font used in chapters one and two. With that out of the way...

It's armor was black

Here we are again.

The beast roared an slashed

'An' should be 'and'.

Alright, now that that's taken care of, it's time for my personal comments.
The epic is good, and it appears that it's taking place in an alternate timeline judging by the references to events which don't quite fit with canon. I like the tension you've built up so far, and I'm looking forward to see how all of this works out (and hoping you post a chapter because, y'know, I read and reviewed your epic, you have to).

- Vorex