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bionicle the new blood - review

review story the void

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#1 Offline the_void

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Posted Nov 10 2013 - 11:00 AM

here is the place to discuss my epic storyline bionicle the new blood 

 

http://www.bzpower.c...wtopic=11201


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#2 Offline Cee Matrix

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Posted Nov 10 2013 - 12:15 PM

Hi there. Im here to review your epic. As you have not written much just yet, I cant say much about the plot, but what I will say is it seems a little confusing. Now you say its after Makuta and Mata Nui are gone. As I know a little bit about the Bionicle story I think that this is on Sepherus Magna.  Whats important to remember is that you have to assume that the reader knows very little about the universe you're creating your story in. You don t have to go out crazy and explain what a Toa or Matoran is, but maybe something a little more detailed, like where are they and why are they there. For example right something explains that they are there because The Mata Nui universe was destroyed and hoe that happened. You don't have to do paragraphs on paragraphs explaining this but maybe a few sentences would be nice, just so we get a grip of where the stories talking place and ultimately makes it a more pleasurable experience when reading your work.

 

Another thing I would like you to do would be to proof read your work. Whilst reading through it, there is a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your work which makes it very difficult to read. Before you post, just make sure to read through it carefully and see if it makes sense. If possible get someone else to do it for you. It can be hard to read your work the way others might.

 

Also, when characters are speaking, make sure you always start on a new line when a new character speaks otherwise things can be really confusing. You seem to have some decent dialogue in there but with out it being tidied up, Im not sure who is saying what.

 

Just some tips to help you in your next chapters.

 

PM if you need any more help.


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#3 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Nov 11 2013 - 09:38 AM

another minor plot point, but how exactly would a hero "redeem himself"?


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#4 Offline the_void

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Posted Nov 11 2013 - 11:27 AM

another minor plot point, but how exactly would a hero "redeem himself"?

The redeeming part is more about villains or heroes turned villains who seek redemption by for example being good citizens, being charitable or fighting for good

Hi there. Im here to review your epic. As you have not written much just yet, I cant say much about the plot, but what I will say is it seems a little confusing. Now you say its after Makuta and Mata Nui are gone. As I know a little bit about the Bionicle story I think that this is on Sepherus Magna.  Whats important to remember is that you have to assume that the reader knows very little about the universe you're creating your story in. You don t have to go out crazy and explain what a Toa or Matoran is, but maybe something a little more detailed, like where are they and why are they there. For example right something explains that they are there because The Mata Nui universe was destroyed and hoe that happened. You don't have to do paragraphs on paragraphs explaining this but maybe a few sentences would be nice, just so we get a grip of where the stories talking place and ultimately makes it a more pleasurable experience when reading your work.

 

Another thing I would like you to do would be to proof read your work. Whilst reading through it, there is a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your work which makes it very difficult to read. Before you post, just make sure to read through it carefully and see if it makes sense. If possible get someone else to do it for you. It can be hard to read your work the way others might.

 

Also, when characters are speaking, make sure you always start on a new line when a new character speaks otherwise things can be really confusing. You seem to have some decent dialogue in there but with out it being tidied up, Im not sure who is saying what.

 

Just some tips to help you in your next chapters.

 

PM if you need any more help.

Thanks this is really helpful I think I'll do some explaining here if that's ok about the spelling I'm doing a lot on a tablet and the touch screen is let's just say "difficult"


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#5 Offline Cee Matrix

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Posted Nov 11 2013 - 02:58 PM

 

another minor plot point, but how exactly would a hero "redeem himself"?

The redeeming part is more about villains or heroes turned villains who seek redemption by for example being good citizens, being charitable or fighting for good

Hi there. Im here to review your epic. As you have not written much just yet, I cant say much about the plot, but what I will say is it seems a little confusing. Now you say its after Makuta and Mata Nui are gone. As I know a little bit about the Bionicle story I think that this is on Sepherus Magna.  Whats important to remember is that you have to assume that the reader knows very little about the universe you're creating your story in. You don t have to go out crazy and explain what a Toa or Matoran is, but maybe something a little more detailed, like where are they and why are they there. For example right something explains that they are there because The Mata Nui universe was destroyed and hoe that happened. You don't have to do paragraphs on paragraphs explaining this but maybe a few sentences would be nice, just so we get a grip of where the stories talking place and ultimately makes it a more pleasurable experience when reading your work.

 

Another thing I would like you to do would be to proof read your work. Whilst reading through it, there is a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your work which makes it very difficult to read. Before you post, just make sure to read through it carefully and see if it makes sense. If possible get someone else to do it for you. It can be hard to read your work the way others might.

 

Also, when characters are speaking, make sure you always start on a new line when a new character speaks otherwise things can be really confusing. You seem to have some decent dialogue in there but with out it being tidied up, Im not sure who is saying what.

 

Just some tips to help you in your next chapters.

 

PM if you need any more help.

Thanks this is really helpful I think I'll do some explaining here if that's ok about the spelling I'm doing a lot on a tablet and the touch screen is let's just say "difficult"

 

Oh, trust me I know. Still, do try reading over it when your done. It pays off and people will be more willing to read your work


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#6 Offline the_void

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Posted Nov 17 2013 - 12:36 PM

the next part has been written let the fame and friends commence ... please


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#7 Offline Toa Onaku

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Posted Nov 19 2013 - 05:18 AM

You know, the way you write the story is quite unique. It provides only what the characters say to further the plot, which if done right, can create a marvelous story. Another interesting thing is how you leave it to the reader to figure out on his own who says what, which can be good, again, if done correctly. I did manage it when I thoroughly read it, it's not too difficult, and I have to say, all in all, the story you are plotting out here is quite intriguing.


Edited by Toa Onaku, Nov 19 2013 - 10:47 AM.

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#8 Offline the_void

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Posted Nov 19 2013 - 01:30 PM

You know, the way you write the story is quite unique. It provides only what the characters say to further the plot, which if done right, can create a marvelous story. Another interesting thing is how you leave it to the reader to figure out on his own who says what, which can be good, again, if done correctly. I did manage it when I thoroughly read it, it's not too difficult, and I have to say, all in all, the story you are plotting out here is quite intriguing.

Thanks

Spoiler


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#9 Offline Sinclair

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Posted Nov 22 2013 - 11:45 AM

This story is, without doubt, the most interesting and promising I've ever read. Your excellent use of dialogue forces the reader to follow the plot as carefully as possible, and your introducing many separate villains at once helps up the stakes and therefore make the story more engaging. Keep up the good work, the_void!


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#10 Offline the_void

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Posted Nov 23 2013 - 06:05 AM

This story is, without doubt, the most interesting and promising I've ever read. Your excellent use of dialogue forces the reader to follow the plot as carefully as possible, and your introducing many separate villains at once helps up the stakes and therefore make the story more engaging. Keep up the good work, the_void!

thanks a lot guys i try my best  :evilbiggrin:how am i doing guys? also who do you think the new character is?

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#11 Offline Portal Nuvia

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Posted Nov 26 2013 - 12:47 PM

So, to be honest, I am completely confused. The way this is written really shouldn't be entertaining at all, and quite frankly I should hate it. However, I don't. At all. Indeed, I kind of love it.

 

I don't know what it is, but for some reason I find this all dialogue style to be quite interesting, and it allows the reader to have a vivid idea of what everything looks like in his or her own head. Your use of italics and a larger font in the first part of the second chapter, for instance, instantly conveyed the proper tone of voice for that section. I do wish that you would use more "proper" grammar, if only because then later you could use the lack of capitalization to, for example, make it seem like the characters are whispering or something along those lines.

 

Another reason this is a fun read, I think, is the speed at which one can read each chapter. I read each part of the newest chapter in under a minute probably.  This is by no means a bad thing, as it gives your epic quite a different feel from everything else.

 

All in all, I have no idea why I want to read more of this so much, but I do. This is a far from perfect epic, but it makes up for that by just being fun. Keep it up, and please start capitalizing the beginning of sentences at least? =P


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#12 Offline the_void

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Posted Nov 27 2013 - 10:45 AM

So, to be honest, I am completely confused. The way this is written really shouldn't be entertaining at all, and quite frankly I should hate it. However, I don't. At all. Indeed, I kind of love it.

 

I don't know what it is, but for some reason I find this all dialogue style to be quite interesting, and it allows the reader to have a vivid idea of what everything looks like in his or her own head. Your use of italics and a larger font in the first part of the second chapter, for instance, instantly conveyed the proper tone of voice for that section. I do wish that you would use more "proper" grammar, if only because then later you could use the lack of capitalization to, for example, make it seem like the characters are whispering or something along those lines.

 

Another reason this is a fun read, I think, is the speed at which one can read each chapter. I read each part of the newest chapter in under a minute probably.  This is by no means a bad thing, as it gives your epic quite a different feel from everything else.

 

All in all, I have no idea why I want to read more of this so much, but I do. This is a far from perfect epic, but it makes up for that by just being fun. Keep it up, and please start capitalizing the beginning of sentences at least? =P

thanks I do need to work on my grammar but I'm working a lot on a tablet and if you haven't seen I'm twelve so my grammar needs some work but i'm getting better with it


Edited by the_void, Nov 27 2013 - 10:46 AM.

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#13 Offline Yolanda Squarble Fried #1

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Posted Nov 28 2013 - 05:32 PM

Hey! You have a pretty nice story going on here, and your style is definitely unique. My one suggestion would be to include text that tells who is speaking. For example, in Chapter 1, Reborn part 1, this is some of your text:

 

"ssso how do we do thisss without carapar?""what do you mean without him ehlik""well he'sss dead ssso""so we bring him back!""um takadox how do we do that!?""question me again pridak and you will find my blade going through your head!, we find his body and we start the rebirth""that would mean killing hundreds""so?"

 

While you, being the author, may understand who's speaking, it's more difficult for the reader. You can easily fix this by adding a few words to each line, just to show he's speaking, like so:

 

"ssso how do we do thisss without carapar?" Ehlek hissed."what do you mean without him ehlik," Taxadox replied."well he'sss dead ssso""so we bring him back!""um takadox," Pridak said. "how do we do that!?""question me again pridak," Taxadox snarled, "and you will find my blade going through your head!, we find his body and we start the rebirth""that would mean killing hundreds"Taxadox laughed. "so?"

 

Just those little additions would make the story much easier to follow for your average reader. :)

 

I'd also like to see more description! You're created this fascinating new society, but we don't know what it looks like. What do the buildings look like? How big are the cities? What does city hall look like? Adding just a bit of description in between your dialogue would make your story that much more real.

 

Keep going! I'm looking forward to see where you take this story. :)


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#14 Offline Al the Chicken Man

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Posted Nov 28 2013 - 05:37 PM

Very interesting and amusing style. Very fun to read. I might liken these chapters to the work of an internet Shakespeare.
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#15 Offline the_void

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Posted Nov 30 2013 - 04:54 AM

Hey! You have a pretty nice story going on here, and your style is definitely unique. My one suggestion would be to include text that tells who is speaking. For example, in Chapter 1, Reborn part 1, this is some of your text:

 

"ssso how do we do thisss without carapar?""what do you mean without him ehlik""well he'sss dead ssso""so we bring him back!""um takadox how do we do that!?""question me again pridak and you will find my blade going through your head!, we find his body and we start the rebirth""that would mean killing hundreds""so?"

 

While you, being the author, may understand who's speaking, it's more difficult for the reader. You can easily fix this by adding a few words to each line, just to show he's speaking, like so:

 

"ssso how do we do thisss without carapar?" Ehlek hissed."what do you mean without him ehlik," Taxadox replied."well he'sss dead ssso""so we bring him back!""um takadox," Pridak said. "how do we do that!?""question me again pridak," Taxadox snarled, "and you will find my blade going through your head!, we find his body and we start the rebirth""that would mean killing hundreds"Taxadox laughed. "so?"

 

Just those little additions would make the story much easier to follow for your average reader. :)

 

I'd also like to see more description! You're created this fascinating new society, but we don't know what it looks like. What do the buildings look like? How big are the cities? What does city hall look like? Adding just a bit of description in between your dialogue would make your story that much more real.

 

Keep going! I'm looking forward to see where you take this story. :)

hm the chances of you being Justin bieber are 221,456,332 to 1 but in the bizarre roll of fates our lives are you could just be Justin in witch case Justin thank you for your comment i dislike your music but if you like bionicle we may just have a common interest 


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#16 Offline turtleman

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Posted Dec 01 2013 - 12:48 PM

I just read your story so far, its very hard to figure out who is talking, where they are and what they and the setting look like. I think you should describe the area in greater detail and try to use correct spelling so that the reader can better understand the story.


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#17 Offline ChroXumo

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Posted Dec 01 2013 - 06:25 PM

I agree with the others that your style is unique... however, Turtleman is right, it's quite hard to decipher anything other than the dialogue (which is, at times, also hard to decipher).

So far I've gathered that someone wants to rule over the Matoran, who leave and are imprisoned, then become titanic Toa of some kind... and also the Barraki are looking for Carapar's corpse.


Edited by Chro, Dec 01 2013 - 06:25 PM.

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#18 Offline Terton

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Posted Dec 02 2013 - 11:16 PM

I agree with the others that your style is unique... however, Turtleman is right, it's quite hard to decipher anything other than the dialogue (which is, at times, also hard to decipher).

So far I've gathered that someone wants to rule over the Matoran, who leave and are imprisoned, then become titanic Toa of some kind... and also the Barraki are looking for Carapar's corpse.

 

A corpse that doesn't exist considering Carapar was disintegrated by Tren Krom. That's already a contradiction to what he originally said:

 

I've decided to do a fan series continuing from the last official series

 

If it's continuing from the official story-line, Carapar will not be able to be revived and there's been no explanation as to why all the Toa have suddenly all died/vanished.

 

Honestly I disagree with what most of the people here have been saying and I feel they're just trying to not upset you, but the whole thing so far is full of plot holes and confusing situations, and the fast pace of it doesn't give enough time for proper character and story development, it's just one quick scene and then boom, on to the next without any sort of explanation as to what was just going on. I feel that there is also too much dialogue going on (in short bursts I might add) and not enough actual story telling. It's just like reading a transcript of sorts, which I don't think this is meant to be, is it? The format also make it very hard to follow, not to mention the constantly changing font styles, poor grammar and broken formatting tags which can just throw you right off. If you are to continue this as a continuation to the official story, your plot will probably need some revisions.

 

Try reading some of the other stories that members have posted, analyse how they lay it out and the ratio of dialogue with the telling of the story that they use. Use what you learn from reading these to adapt your story into a more stable format, because it will make a very noticeable improvement. Do that and you'll be on the right path, my friend.


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#19 Offline the_void

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Posted Dec 03 2013 - 04:19 AM

 

I agree with the others that your style is unique... however, Turtleman is right, it's quite hard to decipher anything other than the dialogue (which is, at times, also hard to decipher).

So far I've gathered that someone wants to rule over the Matoran, who leave and are imprisoned, then become titanic Toa of some kind... and also the Barraki are looking for Carapar's corpse.

 

A corpse that doesn't exist considering Carapar was disintegrated by Tren Krom. That's already a contradiction to what he originally said:

 

I've decided to do a fan series continuing from the last official series

 

If it's continuing from the official story-line, Carapar will not be able to be revived and there's been no explanation as to why all the Toa have suddenly all died/vanished.

 

Honestly I disagree with what most of the people here have been saying and I feel they're just trying to not upset you, but the whole thing so far is full of plot holes and confusing situations, and the fast pace of it doesn't give enough time for proper character and story development, it's just one quick scene and then boom, on to the next without any sort of explanation as to what was just going on. I feel that there is also too much dialogue going on (in short bursts I might add) and not enough actual story telling. It's just like reading a transcript of sorts, which I don't think this is meant to be, is it? The format also make it very hard to follow, not to mention the constantly changing font styles, poor grammar and broken formatting tags which can just throw you right off. If you are to continue this as a continuation to the official story, your plot will probably need some revisions.

 

Try reading some of the other stories that members have posted, analyse how they lay it out and the ratio of dialogue with the telling of the story that they use. Use what you learn from reading these to adapt your story into a more stable format, because it will make a very noticeable improvement. Do that and you'll be on the right path, my friend.

 

thanks for the comment but i'm sticking with my original dialogue style, also you say carapar was disintegrated but why then do the barraki bury carrapars body in tales of the deep issue #36 it could be they bury ashes or something left of carapar.

 

Also there will be a reason the other toa [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]disappear[/font] connected to the barraki needing to sacrifice bionicle to bring back carapar


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#20 Offline ChroXumo

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Posted Dec 03 2013 - 05:15 PM

Carapar was never buried... he was disintegrated by Tren Krom, and none of the other Barraki were even around. I'm pretty sure that you're misinterpreting the scene in TOTD #36. 


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#21 Offline the_void

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Posted Dec 05 2013 - 07:23 AM

sorry guys no more parts for 2 weeks my laptops seriously fried


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#22 Offline Al the Chicken Man

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Posted Dec 09 2013 - 03:52 PM

I thought you had a tablet which is why you couldn't puncuate or use grammar...?

Edited by Douglas, Dec 09 2013 - 03:53 PM.

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#23 Offline Kopekemaster

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Posted Dec 10 2013 - 08:37 AM

I thought you had a tablet which is why you couldn't puncuate or use grammar...?

 

Perhaps that is how he posts it onto BZP? I don't know though, you could probaby do that on a tablet as well.

I'm reading this right now, and I have to agree with others. It's...addictive in a way. I can't stop reading it.

 

And I really like the innovative way you do the dialogue. I can see that for some people it is confusing, but I really enjoy it and feel that it adds an interesting touch.

 

Keep up the good work, though I would recommend capitalizing the first word in each sentence, and names.


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#24 Offline Hahli Husky

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Posted Dec 11 2013 - 11:08 PM

Don't worry, the_void. As you keep writing and reading other stories, you'll really develop your writing style and learn a whole lot. :) But if you focus too much on grammar and punctuation, it's likely to interfere with your writing growth and keep you from focusing on the most important parts, such as your style, your tone, and your creativity. You said you were twelve? Man when I was twelve, I loved to write and churned out chapters daily. They definitely weren't amazing as far as spelling and grammar went, but I was so excited and dedicated to my stories. I feel that is what really mattered. Over time I did learn more technical stuff about writing (like punctuation and spelling), but I never worried about it and just had fun. Everyone should feel comfortable writing and posting their work on a public forum, no matter what. So, good luck to you, and I'm glad you decided to post your story here! Hoping you continue to write and enjoy and learn.


Edited by Hahli Husky, Dec 11 2013 - 11:10 PM.

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#25 Offline the_void

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Posted Dec 23 2013 - 05:55 AM

laptops up and running and there will be a 2 part special for christmas


stupid stupid laptop getting viruses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!aaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!! just when i need it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!!
 
sorry about this guys, its like the laptops cursed

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