Steelsheen

The review of The Dystopian Island is posted.-HH

ECC Charity Review of The Dystopian Island Lord Koji,This is a really mixed bag you've given me. On the one hand, I've heard this plotline a hundred times before; an island under siege in stages by an evil villainess who controls mindless minions, and a group of heroes who all have tragic backstories. For that, and for the style it's written in, I feel inclined to dislike the epic. But at the same time, you have scattered moments where I can see you could be so much better. And for that, I'm inclined to write a very long review trying to cover as many subjects and moments as possible, so you can live up to that potential.Just as a side note, I really like that you put in links wherever there was something that had been explained in the chapter on the old forums. Good thinking.So, if you're ready, let the long review commence! (Seriously, it's so long, I couldn't use bbc code for quotes)From chapter 9Dai rested the tip of his sword at the back of the figure’s neck, “If you encounter the Toa of Earth, Agri, you had better not touch him.He’s mine.” Dai hissed, “He’s my student.”This is an incorrect paragraph break, a frequent problem within your writing, but since all your other paragraphs are spaced by a clear line, I think this may just be a typo.From chapter 9“You have your free will, do you not?” She questioned.“I am not bound to your Kanohi Zeyat.” He confirmed.“Just wondering.” Bandiaca said, “Fine; go.” When a character is speaking and you end the quotation marks, that doesn't mean the sentence is over. So this section should read -“You have your free will, do you not?” she questioned.“I am not bound to your Kanohi Zeyat," he confirmed.“Just wondering,” Bandiaca said. “Fine; go."Notice that where you had periods in the dialogue, I have changed them to commas and switched some commas to periods. The question mark, however, stays because it is the only way to denote a question.From chapter 9 The figure rose, “I will bring you the Toa of Fire’s head.” He said, lifting his heavily modified arms. Both of them ended in mechanical ends from the elbow up. They were blocky and clearly mechanical, with various blades emerging. The bottom of the left arm had a blade, while the right had a dagger. There was a curved blade coming out of the outer side on each, as well as a normal blade next to it. He had small mechanical fingers for manipulating objects and the like, but they were mostly covered by the mechanical bulkiness of his weapon arms.He had two black wings on each leg, pointed down. He had a flat, black chest that appeared to have a shine to it, as well as a black Kanohi or helmet ended in teeth or fangs. This is an excessively wordy and redundant description, has the incorrect punctuation in dialogue as aforementioned and it's also an incorrect paragraph break. One way to rewrite it would be -The figure rose. “I will bring you the Toa of Fire’s head,” he said, lifting his heavily modified arms. Both of them appeared to be mechanical from the elbow up. There was a curved blade coming out of the outer side on each, as well as a straight blade next to it. He had opposable fingers for manipulating objects and the like, but they were mostly camouflaged by the bulkiness of his weapons. On his legs, black wings curved downwards. He had a flat, black chestplate, and a black Kanohi - or helmet - that ended in large fangs.From chapter 9 “No; mine.” The black figure said, “The black one is a better swordsman, as far as Dai could tell. Fight him. You don’t even have to fight them; I only need you to stop the others if they come. If. I just need to eliminate the Toa of Fire.” Again, the incorrect dialogue punctuation. Also, this seems like an odd strategy. Kill just the leader and all of a sudden, the other Toa are completely helpless?From chapter 9 “Did I?” Hoji questioned, spinning around. He crumpled to a single knee from the wound across his chest. Hyak turned, laughing at him. The description is very confusing in this part - I had to read it twice before I figured out what you meant. You could say it several different ways: "He fell to one knee in pain", "The pain of his chest wound made him fall to one knee", "The chest wound he had received was too painful to keep standing - he fell to one knee"... Well, you get the idea. The point is, just because a word sounds sophisticated doesn't make it a good fit for the sentence. I always recommend saying your dialogue out loud, to see if it feels natural, but you might want to do that for some of your descriptions, too.From chapter 9 He blocked the blade with the folded blade of his weapon, twisted his firearm, and opened fire on Hyak’s chest, causing him to stumble back from all of the continuous blows. Most writers lean towards either wordiness or extreme brevity - you and I are in the former group. Try to cut your sentences down to what they need to say, then add in a little flourish. For example, "all of" is not necessary in the sentence; it flows better to just say "... Causing him to stumble back from the continuous blows".From chapter 9 They looked each other in the eyes. Hoji pushed on his weapon, sending Hyak a few steps back. He span around, delivering a spinning kick to Hyak’s chest.- emphasis addedThis is a recurring problem. Almost everywhere that you mean to put "spun", you have the word "span".From chapter 9 “Making me fight this way.” Hoji said, bringing the blade out again. He ran forward and ducked the two swings of Hyak’s weapons. He plunged the tip of his weapon into Hyak’s chest, applying all of the force and power he could into it.He shouted, shoving even harder. Hyak started to lose his footing as he was pushed back from the overwhelming force being applied. First, this should all be one paragraph. And since that is also a recurring problem, let's stop for a second to talk about it. Generally, a paragraph should be four to six sentences long. The reason those sentences are grouped together is because they all have a common theme or idea. These two paragraphs are both about the same fight; in fact, they are almost about the same moment in that fight. Therefore, they belong together.From chapter 9 Hoji ignored him and continued talking, “You aren’t the man you used to be." .This is another recurring point. You refer to characters as "men" and "women" at many points in your story. Since this is not a canon epic, you can make your own call about this, but as they are biomechanical creatures, not humans, the words "man", "woman", "child", etc. are all meaningless to BIONICLES.From chapter 9 Hyak said nothing, made no sounds. As his body slammed into the sloping wall, all Hoji heard was a crunch sound as his body was smashed. Hoji released his semi-sentient weapon and let it go. He ran towards Hyak’s falling remains, watching as rocks came down as well, burying them. Corrected -Hyak made no sound as his body slammed into the sloping wall. All that Hoji heard was a solid "crunch" as his former friend's body was smashed into shards. Half in shock, the Toa of Fire released his semi-sentient weapon. He ran towards Hyak’s falling remains, watching as rocks came down, burying him under a pile of debris.From chapter 9 But sitting almost atop the wreckage was something in an odd whitish color. He crouched down and picked it up, pulling it free.It was elongated, almost like the hilt of a sword. That was the way Hoji saw it. He held it as such, feeling odd carvings on the body of it. Corrected -But sitting almost atop the wreckage was a strange, whitish object. He crouched down amid the rubble and pulled it free. It was elongated, almost like the hilt of a sword. He held it as such, feeling odd carvings on the body of it.From chapter 10 A grim smile came to her face, “I have a plan.” The description/narration is awkward here. A smile can't come anywhere; it has no free will or life. I think what you mean is that a smile crept over her face.From Chapter 10 As he was walking among the trees, collecting leaves, turning them all over, looking for the best looking ones – even though nobody actually could see any details on the leaves, or anything – for the sake of his vanity, for the sake of his personality and desire to keep a good appearance, he heard something. He span around, watching as something dark came through the trees. This is one of the longest run-on sentences in the entire epic. The sentences breaks are a good idea, but not well executed. Try to find the end of a thought and let the sentence stop there.Corrected - As he was walking among the trees, collecting leaves, turning them over, looking for the best ones – even though nobody actually could see any details on the leaves, his vanity demanded such attention to the little things – he heard something. He spun around, watching as something dark came through the trees.From chapter 10 The thing didn’t speak. It was a machine, that was obvious.A floating black machine. It had a clawed bottom that helped it to float somehow. It had a winged section over its chest, while similar wings were on the claws on its back. It had a thin waist with a wide chest at the top, and had large armored portions on its arms.It had fairly thick arms, with segments shooting down like tubes on each arm, but only one per arm. Instead of hands, it had large shield-like portions that could have also been blades. For a head it had a large black section with more wings coming off of the back, and two crimson eyes that came off like separate offshoots.“So, you don’t talk.” Magis said, lifting his weapon. He leapt forward, kicked off of a tree, and leapt at the machine from the side, swinging his weapon in. The sentence "A floating black machine" is incomplete - every sentence must have both a subject (a noun) and an action (a verb). A floating black machine.... What? Now, I do want to point out that using an incomplete sentence is sometimes okay or even necessary in dialogue, because that's how people speak. But it should never occur in narration.Also, the first three sections should be all one paragraph, and it has the overly-wordy descriptions we discussed above.From chapter 10 He could feel things going off inside of his new body, and things like that, but couldn’t figure out what any of it meant. He couldn’t tell if any of it had to do with the mind swapping, or if they were just normal things in his new body that were needed. There are a few phrases that should never be used in third person narration. And one of them is "stuff like that". This is an abstract, slang saying that tells the reader nothing. One of the possible ways to rewrite this is -He could feel things shifting and turning on and off inside of his new body, but he couldn’t figure out what any of it meant. He didn't know if any of it had to do with the mind swap, or if these were just the normal things that his new form did.From chapter 11 “What is this warrior?” Cesare questioned.“Not a warrior, per say.” Bandiaca replied, “A beast.”“Beast?”“A beast, yes.” She replied.He gave a small smile, “I fought a beastly warrior once, on Recla Nui.” He said, “Is that what you’re referring to? A beast warrior? Or an actual beast?”“An actual beast.” She replied. This is a prime example of awkward character interaction, which seems to happen with some frequency. Bandiaca has clearly stated that she will give Cesare a beast to work with, but he questions the meaning of her obvious statement for two more sentences. If someone told you you were getting a beast to work with, you wouldn't try to super-clarify everything. Think of how you interact with people face to face when writing dialogue. Use phrases or slang that your friends say (tweaked for BIO, of course). Consider each character's motive and thought process as you read the conversation. All of a sudden, you'll find yourself thinking, "Oh, well of course she'll say this" or "pretty obvious what he's going to do". If you can make your characters real people in your head, then your readers will believe they are real, too.From chapter 11 Hoji span around with a shout. From atop the temple came a beast. A black hound-like being. First, once again, it should be spun, not span. I'm starting to think that might be a problem with your auto-correct, since I haven't found any other obvious misspellings.Second, the two last sentences are really one sentence. The only reason for a dramatic pause is when a character is describing something. Third person narration should be elegant and flowing, not jerky and disorienting. Always try to create a description that sounds like it flows.From chapter 15 He didn’t look opposing, but he was one of the most dangerous of Bandiaca’s warriors. One of the very few misspellings or typos; I think you mean to say "he didn't look very imposing".From chapter 15 “I can try.” Hoji hissed, swaying to his feet despite the pain, “I am the leader of the Toa Cyril! I am supposed to lead us to your defeat! I will see to it that you lose!” Corrected -"I can try,” Hoji hissed, getting to his feet despite the pain. “I am the leader of the Toa Cyril! I am destined to lead us to victory! I will see to it that you lose!”Since most of the above are repeating problems, I'm not going to showcase every instance of their occurrence. Just be aware that these problems exist and will be fairly easy to spot once you know what you're looking for. In figuring out ways to fix them, you'll be forcing yourself to a higher level of writing.For the rest of the review, I want to focus on the plot and the characters. I've taken a few excerpts that best showcase the highlights and low points of your story.From chapter 9 “For what purpose?” ‘'Forte'’ demanded. Okay, I have to ask - why is Forte's name French and always in quotation marks? Again, it feels very much like a graphic novel to me.From chapter 9 “I know.” Hyak replied, “But our friendship is in the way.”“Of what?”“My gaining power.” He said, “I’m a Kabarn. A greedy man who wants treasures. You stand in the way of my greed. I desire your head!”“That doesn’t make sense.” Hoji hissed.“Of course it does. I have my free will, so I can detest you for not saving me.” He looked at his arms, “They ripped my arms off for what they thought I did.” He hissed, “Fortunately, my brethren were more than capable of helping me. I became an effective treasure hunter, by the way.” Stop for just a minute and say these lines to a friend, Koji. No real person would ever say, "I'm doing this because I'm evil". If they're real friends (and they clearly were, based on earlier chapters), then Hyak's species and even getting his arms ripped off are not sufficient excuses for wanting his best friend's head on a plate. The character evolution from best friend to arch nemesis is not impossible, but it is simply not explained enough here. We, the readers, see no real reasons for Hyak to turn. Hoji is right: it doesn't make sense.From chapter 9 “I have more blades!” Hyak shouted, slamming his left arm forward, getting ready to run Hoji through. Seriously? He sounds like a four-year-old. "My dinosaur is bigger than yours!" Hyak as a character feels very undefined; he needs to be more grounded in reality, rather than whatever soap opera he stepped out of.From chapter 9 “Hyak…I’ll have no qualms about ending your life. Not anymore.” Hoji hissed. Wow, his attitude changed quickly. I suppose he's caught up in the heat of the fight, but even so, he's a Toa. Not only that, but a highly experienced Toa. I feel like he shouldn't give in to hate so easily.From chapter 10 Hoji threw his right arm forward, snapping his fingers, “The burning heart of passion! Toa Hoji!” Of all the things that make this epic read like a comic book, this is front and center. Yes, this even beat out the chant of "Cyril Buster" in chapter 11. A role call every time they get into a fight? Try have a wrestling match sometime and do a roll call while your opponent is charging at you. You'll find it's a severe handicap. A battle cry would be fine here, given by one Toa, or even a single phrase they all repeat. But the complete roll call every single time is simply too much.From chapter 11 “One of my other warriors?” Bandiaca questioned, “What for?”“I’m not going to reveal my plans.” Cesare said, “Just send someone, if you would.”“Fine.” She said, “But who? What type of warrior?”“It doesn’t matter. Someone who can afford to be killed by the Toa Cyril.” Cesare replied. Bandiaca is a real pushover, for an evil witch control freak. This strange Toa barges in the door on a private meeting and she just gives him what he demands without wanting to find out what his plan is?! She never considers the possibility that he could be a spy sent by the Toa Cyril? She doesn't even want to know his plan before wasting one of her minions on it? I'm sorry; she is becoming less and less realistic and believable.From chapter 11 “Does it honestly matter?” Magis asked. This was the first time he had actually spoken to the team since the incident with Kyuu the previous day. He had kept to himself and been in isolation for the most part since the forced body switch with the machine, when the machine, in his body, had destroyed some trees, and he had been forced to wound his own beautiful body. Okay, I understand that you want to emphasize Magis' vanity, but no Toa can afford to be so vain that they don't want to get injured for fear of damaging their beauty. They would simply never head into a fight, if such were the case. Why risk a scratch, if you're that worried about perfection? This is just a step too far in trying to showcase the Toa of Air's character flaw.From chapter 11 He slashed them across the blade one at a time. A voice rang out from his weapon, signaling each swipe. After each swipe, the object vanished, returning to light and hitting his guard, as if returning.“Lightning”“Mach”“Kick” This is one of the strangest weapons I've ever heard of. I hope it gets some more spotlight and a longer description, because currently, I am confused. At best, all I can guess is that it has voodoo-doll-like powers.From chapter 12 “I do want you to fight.” ‘Forte’ replied, “Nin, you are a fast warrior. I’m sure you can get out there and kill the Toa Cyril for us before they can react fast enough.” Forte is proven right very quickly; Nin manages to find opportunity to kill each and every Toa except Rei by sundown. Except, she chooses to spare them almost subconsciously because she did not receive her orders directly from Bandiaca. This is such a horrible case of deus ex machina. If she's such a great warrior, why wasn't she Bandiaca's first choice? If she has more people like Nin just lying around, why does she bother sending in a bunch of robots and inferior minons to take Cyril Nui? Nin's appearance and sparing of the Toa is way too convenient, and it doesn't advance the plot in any way at all, except to show that Rei is fast. Come on, Koji; you're clever enough to think of a better way to showcase that.From chapter 13 Arguably the most powerful warrior of Bandiaca’s, even over ‘Forte’ himself, who acted as Bandiaca’s bodyguard and right hand, or former right hand, now that Cesare had taken that position. Putting aside the fact that this really belongs with the previous paragraph and not on it's own, this brings up a good point. Twenty-four hours after he walks onboard her ship, when Bandiaca knows absolutely nothing about his past, his motives, or how he knows so much of her plans, Cesare is her right hand. Sorry, suspension of belief only goes so far.From chapter 13 “I’m sorry, I forgot the new terms.” He replied, “Well then, should Cesare go? I don’t like the idea of giving the Toa any breather room.” Bandiaca nodded, “Yes, you’re quite right, ‘Forte’. Cesare, I want you to go and eliminate the Toa.” Honestly, has she given any strategic thought as to how to take the island? She seems very lackadaisical about the whole thing, for someone who is dying to control Cyril-Nui. From chapter 13 Mirai nodded, “As you wish, Toa.” “Agri.” Agri said. “Mirai.” Mirai said. Why do they say their own names out of the blue?From chapter 14 “You used the word ‘might’.” Rei pointed out, “Where’s the Hoji that believes we could win any battle? Who always shows confidence in combat? Who leads us to victory?” One of the best lines so far. It has depth and realism; I can picture one of my friends saying something similar. This is how good dialogue sounds.From chapter 15 She [Eri] had told this information to Cesare when they had fought each other. What Cesare was currently doing was almost like what she had done in the past. She had done it for security; so she knew she would have an actual life, even if it was one filled with killing and savagery. Cesare was siding with and fighting for Bandiaca for the sake of getting stronger; the sake of training himself against worthy opponents, such as the Toa Cyril. He was making the same mistakes; the same sins. The simple desire to be strong is not, in my opinion, enough motive to try to kill members of your own species. Cesare needs more depth to his motivation. If he just wants to be strong, have him do pilates.From chapter 15 "This is Geki.” Bandiaca said, “He is arguably my greatest warrior." This description does not have nearly as much punch to it when you introduce a different warrior this same way in almost every chapter. There can only be one greatest; pick one and stick with it.From chapter 16 When he saw Geki transform into Gekisou, Cesare realized that Geki was lost. Surely Bandiaca would realize her control had been defeated, somehow, by using her powers on him. Surely that when her control went out to him now, she would feel her influence was very weak, if existent at all, on him.She never showed realization of anything. As plot twists go, this is a decent mystery. You have given us enough information to make us wonder why Bandiaca doesn't seem to realize that her control is weakening, but not enough information to be sure of our guesses. Good job on this.From chapter 18 He ran from the shore. He had to locate the Toa Cyril, explain the situation to them, and warn them that Bandiaca would likely send a more powerful attack soon. He had changed; he had made up his mind, thanks to help from Eri and her words. He was going to join the Toa Cyril, if they would have him. If I were one of the Toa Cyril, that would be a very big "if". Also, just as his motive for trying to kill the Toa was weak and two-dimensional, Cesare's first reaction to a changed heart is irrational. Why in Mata Nui's name would he go to the guys he just tried to kill? These Toa are much more lax about the "no killing" part of the Toa code, and he knows that.From chapter 18 Cesare held his hands up, “You don’t understand! I’m being hunted! Bandiaca is after me, and I’m here to join you Toa!” Magis slashed his weapon, sending a blast of Air to throw Cesare to the ground. He landed next to the downed Toa of Ice, holding his scythe to Cesare’s throat, “Likely story. But you are wounded; I give you points for trying.” Yes! This is an instance of a reasonable reaction - not trusting the guy who tried to kill you and your best friends last week!From chapter 18 “Five Toa destined to rid this island of the accursed witch. We are the Toa Cyril.” He said, but then shook his head, “No. Now, we are six Toa now one, determined to destroy the evils plaguing this island. We are the Toa Cyril!” Cesare nodded and bumped fists with Hoji; now a member of the Toa Cyril. The dialogue is not natural-sounding, but I like the fact that you brought out the good, old-fashioned "six is a complete team" idea.From chapter 20 As the forces of Bandiaca raged unchecked through the streets of Cyril Nui, the Toa Cyril were getting to work. They gathered their weaponry, mounted on their Anverius X3 vehicles – with Cesare riding with Eri – and headed off into the battle. The huge battle scene right at the end is overused and again, gives the story a comic book feel.From chapter 20 ‘Forte’’s body drifted in the ocean, damaged, unconscious. The body disappeared beneath the waves, with bubbles rising around his body as it was sucked down into the depths. And right at the end is what I consider the best description you give throughout the whole 20 chapters! The sentences have flow and purpose; they are concise, but elegant. Taking out "with" is the only thing I recommend on this paragrah.In summation, this story would by much better told in a comic book (or possibly an anime). The plot is mostly predictable, the characters are very two-dimensional, and the narration is wordy. In the bright side, you do have some moments that show you could do much better, and your spelling is almost impeccable. Keep working to improve on your weaknesses and shore up your strengths.-HH

Welcome to the Epic Critics Club! This topic is the special place for epic authors here on BZPower to have their work read, reviewed, and critiqued. WE ARE CURRENTLY ACCEPTING EPICS Note: Because of things like holidays or staff absences, we will not always be accepting requests. Check this post to see if we are accepting new requests.NOTICE: Cederak is back! We are currently transitioning the necessary positions internally, but your beloved (somewhat snarky) Head Critic has resumed his seat in the library halls.Guidelines and Regulations for Writers 1.) Only one of your epics will be reviewed at a time. We will make every attempt to read through your work as quickly and thoroughly as possible, but for the sake of fairness, other authors will be on our agenda as well.2.) An epic will be reviewed one time by the ECC. However, because many of the reviews we do are for in-progress epics, if you believe a substantial amount of work has gone into your epic since its first ECC review, PM me to ask for a second. In your appeal, simply describe why you think you have done enough to garner another review and you will be notified of our decision.(Note that ECC critics are exempt from this rule.)3.) Requests for a review will be in a standard format. What you say within that form is your choice, but it must contain the format* if you expect a review.4.) Questions, comments, and general concerns should be sent directly to my PM box where I can handle them personally. Any complaints about a critic's review of your work go to Eponine. Please do not, however, PM me with a review request - I'll just direct you to this topic.5.) You cannot request a particular critic to review your work. That is a matter best left to PMing them directly. And even then, it's their call to say whether they have the time or not.6.) Be polite. We are kind enough to offer to help you grow as a writer - it seems only reasonable that we receive a degree of respect for our efforts. I am holding everyone to a high level of maturity on this matter.7.) Each request will receive a Tier Designation. Tier 1 requests are from writers, Tier 2 requests are appeals, and Tier 3 requests are from critics. A request's Tier Designation number also determines the number of weeks a critic has to complete the assignment.8. We will accept requests to review COT epics, but they are not included in the charity review cycles.*The following is the Review Request Format I mentioned earlier. Your post will contain the three listed requirements. If it does not, I will disregard your request.1.) Story name and link2.) Review topic link3.) Number of chaptersThis concludes the author-based portion of my post. The Epic Critics Club is looking forward to reading your work and assisting you in becoming a stronger writer. Reading on will allow you to learn more about our critic staff and the requisites for becoming a critic yourself.Q.) You want to become a critic? (NOT CURRENTLY ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS)A.) That's fantastic! A selfless volunteering service is always excellent news. Regrettably, we cannot accept every hopeful out there. To ensure quality reviewing among our staff, I simply ask that you fill out the application below and PM it to me under the subject: Critic Resume.Application Form Username/Nickname: Most of you will prefer your username, I'm sure, but reviewing under a nom de plume is absolutely fine.Why do you want to be a critic? - It doesn't have to be a long reason, but I do need to know.Describe yourself - Outline your personality for me, and tell me a little bit about what you've done around the BZP Library.After you send me this basic application, I will respond with an excerpt of work from one of the ECC members that you will critique. Your critique will be a major deciding factor in whether or not you are accepted.Staff Bios Cederak: ECC Director, MentorAbout Me: I'm a fairly sarcastic person at times, something I distance myself from when I need to be serious. I am particular according to some, but I think I just know what I like. And what I like are nice things. ...And there begins the sarcasm.On Critiquing: I'm looking for flow. Spelling errors are quick fixes, but grammar can outright ruin the flow to a story and break immersion for the reader. I try to be helpful though, and I'm constantly looking for alternative ways for a writer to express what they want to say.Velox: ECC Co-Director, Human Resource Management, Intern TrainerAbout Me: I am currently the Curator of the Short Stories Critics Club and a Forum Assistant here on the forums, Previously I have held the positions of Curator of the Comedies Critics Club and Co-Curator of the Epics Critics Club. Unfortunately, my time is very limited nowadays, and as such I am not able to be a critic here at this time -- I will, however, be helping out on the administrative side of things, so feel free to PM me with any questions. I enjoy reading, writing, and a bunch of other things -- take a look at my blog, profile, or staff bio on the main page if you want to know more about me.On Critiquing: Probably the main thing I look for is proper grammar/spelling, along with awkward-sounding sentences and the like. I'm a big fan of characterization, great plots, and a good flow of writing, and so I try to comment on those as well. Basically when I review something I'm just trying to find every single thing I dislike -- even if only slightly -- in order to help writers become the best they can be. Because let's face it: we can all always get better.Steelsheen: ECC Lieutenant, Public Relations CoordinatorAbout Me: I read classic books from two centuries ago and spout off obscure facts that no one really cares about. I peruse my old science text books for fun and don't spend enough time outdoors. I suppose you could categorize me as a card-carrying geek, but that's okay. Geeks are cool.On Critiquing: I'm looking for the spirit of your work, the ideas you're attempting to flesh out on paper. If you have a story worth telling, there's going to be a way to make it a good one. Characters, personality, and plots are what's important to me. While grammar is definitely important, it's also something that can always be fixed later. But trust me, spell check is not evil. Eponine: ECC Internal AffairsAbout Me: Well, let's see... I have a soft spot for ducklings and cheesecake brownies. But that's not exactly relevant. Okay, so I've been writing in the Bionicle fandom since sixth grade, and let me just say, I am not proud of my first attempts of an epic. That being said, you will have to write something truly atrocious to faze me. Back in the day, before I joined BZP, I was more of the "Yay, nice story, update soon, keep up the good work *smiley face* " type. But really, what help is that? I've had enough of those types of reviews in my past to make me barf. So don't worry about shallow reviews (though you might still see a smiley face or two )On Critiquing: Okay, you got me. I confess, if I see a story that takes up a gazillion pages (and a gazillion hours to read), yes I'm intimidated. The only way I'll keep reading is if the story is gripping from the start and has enough flow to keep me reading through and wanting more. But reviewing as part of the ECC, ditching the story if I lose interest isn't a choice. So what I look for is flow, character development, intrigue, and plot advancement, outside of the usual spelling/grammar etc. What really makes a good story is an author who knows just how to guide their readers through their imagination and make them see things their way. Give me an all around good story, you'll get a good review, but give me a story that needs work, you'll get an even better review.TNTOS: ECC Charity Review CoordinatorAbout Me: I've been writing BIONICLE fanfiction on BZP almost since the day I first joined, so I think I have a bit of experience when it comes to writing. Because I wish to be a novelist someday, I am always looking for ways to become a better writer myself.On Critiquing: I will basically point out anything I think is a flaw, but I primarily focus on character and plot. Another major thing I look at is point of view (POV) and consistency with the POV of your story. Dialogue is another aspect I focus on, too.GSR: ECC Review LibrarianAbout Me: Occasionally I sit down, lay my head on the keyboard, and then sort of roll it back and forth for a while before running spellcheck. I've been informed that this is apparently called "writing". In any event, it's quite fun. I have joined the ECC to help others master the art of smashing letters onto a page and then passing it off as meaningful. On Critiquing: Solid prose and wordplay is a huge, huge plus - a good story should never make you feel like you're working to get through a paragraph. If your story is clunky or just doesn't gel for some reason, I'll probably pick up on that. That isn't to say plot and characters and the like are unimportant; you can write some very fancy, enjoyable-to-read descriptions, but without a strong plot or character or something to back them up you're not writing a story, you're writing advertising copy. As for orthography, I'm not really the kind of guy to track down every single spelling or grammar slip-up - instead, I'll try to ID patterns in any mistakes I see and let you know about those. Furthermore, I do try to provide examples and reasoning for my critiques so you can have a good starting point for addressing them in the future. And if I seem harsh, just remember - I critique because I care.Nick Silverpen: ECC CriticAbout Me: Once in a blue moon poster, I'm always browsing, seeing what's going on in these forums. A member of these forums for almost 9 years, I've not been the most active, but I've always been into writing, but I tend to plan my writing more than I actually write. A writer betters himself by reading, and I feel like I should get to know the other authors of the forums.On Critiquing: I like to look for flow. I'm looking for a good story, one i can roll around in my head. A page turner. While I say I like to see stories on a consistent posting schedule, I don't do what I preach- whenever a writer can get something written in the time that they have is good. Keeps the reader waiting anxiously. Style is a biggie that I look at; whether you're long and descriptive, or short and quick, or even somewhere in the between, I like to see the perspectives people have on storytelling. Grammar is good, but not overly important. Vocab is helpful, but over fluffing it is unnecessary.The Affably Evil Automaton: ECC CriticAbout Me: Cynical, snarky Brit by day. Cynical, snarky Brit by night. Basically I guess I'm an all-around sarcastic bloke. You'll generally find me roaming around the BZP blogs and CoT, along with the library from time to time. Once in a blue moon you may even see me updating my own epic or posting a short story, though I wouldn't get your hopes up.On Critiquing: What I enjoy looking at is how writers use their characters to affect the tone of the narrative. When reviewing I put the most focus on the story, as thats what the writers trying to get across in the first place, though I do help as and when I can with grammar and spelling. I find it easiest to evaluate what the writer has done best and then see how it can be applied to any areas that I feel might need improving.Critic Rules All critics will be held to the following rules. If you feel a critic has overstepped one of these boundaries, please PM Eponine and action will be taken accordingly.1.) Your reviews will be constructive. This is open to interpretation, but if I am alerted that your criticism was entirely negative in scope with nothing to offer, Velox and I will work to correct the issue and PM you regarding it.2.) Post in this topic once you have finished reviewing an epic. Including a direct link to your review post is appreciated, though optional.3.) Any information on changes, new hires, or departures will be shared with all critics. I want to keep you in the loop as much as possible.4.) Termination is a possibility. I'd like for everyone who leaves to do so of their own accord, but termination will be on the table if a critic has a history of problematic behaviors.5.) Being a critic means being available. If you are busy, tell me. If I never hear from you, I don't know your situation and termination may become a possibility.6.) Be the model of maturity. I want this club to be fun, yes, but it is intended to help other people. I'm trusting you to act your age.7.) If you are a critic assigned to review an epic by a fellow member of the ECC, you will have 3 weeks to complete the task. A request placed by a critic to the ECC will be treated like any other - with professionalism.Once again, welcome to the Epic Critics Club! Best wishes to all writers and a big thank you to the critics!-Steelsheen (ECC Lieutenant)Previous Clubs Epic Critics Club 6 - Leader: Cederak (October 21, 2011 - September 29, 2012)Epic Critics Club 5 - Leader: Alena Spirit of Hyperness (March 9, 2011 - April 24, 2011)Epic Critics Club 4 - Leader: (July 31, 2010 - February 15, 2011)Epic Critics Club 3 - Leader: (May 5, 2007 - July 31, 2010)Epic Critics Club 2 - Leader: Twenty-Two (July 27, 2006 - May 5, 2007)Epic Critics Club 1 - Leader: Sws4 (May 6, 2006 - July 27, 2006)Request Agenda

Thanks! Characters being the backbone of this particular SS, I'm very pleased you connected with them. No one was exactly supposed to be "the bad guy" (or girl); it was about familial love or a lack of it. And yes, I didn't want to end it in a sad way, so I'm glad it has a little hope right at the end. It's really more of a vignette than a story, so moods and characters were what I tried to focus on over descriptions and backstory. Yay! I think it is a subconscious stab, because while I didn't write it with that message in mind (again, think vignette, not story) I can see how it does sort of have that tone. I have several family members who are divorced, have children, etc., and it breaks my heart to see the kids end up with the parent who can't or won't do the best job of raising them. Thank you for the reviews, guys; I appreciate it. -HH

Pharmakon, by Aderia, has recieved it's review!Also, welcome to Nick Silverpen! Great to have you on the team!-H Historian

ECC Charity Review Aderia, First of all, as a follower of your works and a particular fan of your latest epic, Faux, I am well aware that your writing skills have increased considerably since you wrote/abandoned Pharmakon. Therefore, many of the errors I point out do not exist in your current writing and are addressed only to past Aderia. So, if you could just seal this review up and send it to yourself about a year ago, I'd be much obliged. And yes, I did go back and read all the chapters you posted on the old forums - post 14 is missing, just in case you weren't aware. Let's start with some positives. I really liked your "creation of the world" bit, and you gave us both originality and creativity in it's execution. Your MOC characters show promise with regards to originality and three-dimensionality, although they may at times lapse into acting stereotypically. You have excellent spelling throughout the whole epic and I found only one error in this latest post. Your descriptions are generally well-worded and you have better than average dialogue, although it's not stellar. Now that I've made you at least a little sad that you abandoned this literary seedling, I need to tell you that I agree with your decision entirely. I am not a fan of taking MOCs and adding them to mainline canon plots - it almost always leads to plot holes. Your writing itself shows great promise as an author, but the story's middle was almost completely written out for you. Having said that, it is my job to critique the past you, so on to the nitpicks! She began to take her leave, not make; moved with her, not moving. And by the way, I really like the verbal picture of her reflection moving along the stones, although it may not really fit with the rest of the sentence. You have Yistran's dialogue and action in one sentence, then you hit enter and have Varia's reaction just one line lower. Based on how you separate the other paragraphs in this story, you're missing a line in between the two. Also, it feels redundant to read "Varia didn't even stop in her tracks" followed immediately by "before she could even stop to think twice". You might try restructuring the sentences to be more flowing and less repetitive. One such way might run -Varia did not hesitate in her stride. In one fluid motion, she turned on her heel and was mask to mask with Yistran, shouting at him before she had time to think twice. "In a mere instant" or something like it would flow more with the rest of the sentence. You really don't need to spoil your metaphor by telling us that the lights were not really how you described them. When you liken one thing to another, it's pretty clear that's not what's actually happening. One way to re-write it would be -"... where Varia's bursts of energy were dancing like insects around a light. As the lights moved and flickered, Varia could see a tall shadowed figure standing in their midst." Quite honestly, I can only guess at what word you meant to type there. Naive, perhaps? Also, after using a comma to break your quotation marks, "she" should not be capitalized, and the next sentence should not be it's own entity. One way you could fix it would be something like -"Even after all these years," she began, her voice young, almost naive (?)... Again, paragraphs not completely separated. And "but" does not really belong in this sentence, because there is no surprise in the stranger continuing to talk. Nothing Varia has done or thought so far should prevent it. Nothing to correct here; I just like how you implied that Kellium is not her true name. Change the period at the end of her speech to a comma and don't capitalize "she". "Came" should not be capitalized. Sometimes a question mark or even an exclamation point do not mark the end of a sentence so much as give you an indication of how the sentence was spoken. For example -"Mark rode my horse!" Caroline yelled, "without even asking me!"All one sentence, but two exclamation marks because of the break in dialogue. So, to the Great Beings, the Matoran Universe is detention? Kellium basically put them there to prove that they were worthy companions of their creators? This image is a bit in conflict with the beginning chapters on the old forums. Of course, this may simply be how Kellium is spinning it to her, um, old... pals? "She" should not be capitalized, and the period following "afterwards" should be changed to a comma; it's all one continuous sentence. I was at first confused by the phrase "to quote on quote", but after reading it through a few times, I realized it was a typo for "to quote-un-quote". However, that doesn't really fit grammatically with the sentence, or - what is more important - resemble how someone would really talk. I think if I unscramble your sentence, what you meant was -"All this stuff you talk about sounds great. But I hardly live a life of quote-un-quote 'seclusion', and I am very much a part of a society, thank you." To keep the sentence more concise, you could just say "keeping count with her fingers". Also, just wanted to point out that this is a rare occasion where repetition of a phrase (specifically "I need time") is a good thing. When talking, people sometimes repeat themselves to make a point and it's good that you used this here. This is in line with Kellium's character as I understand it, so this is not a correction, just a reaction. "Thank you, Captain Obvious!" The punctuation after "soon" should be a period, not a comma, and I think you forgot to insert "she" at the beginning of the next sentence.In summation, I see the value of what this experience did for you as a writer, and you did show us some neat and creative characters and scenes. But on the whole, this story should be viewed as a marker for how much you've grown in the past year, and you have gotten better by leaps and bounds since then. I'm really proud of how far you've come!-Hahli Historian

"The Herald", by Lewa Krom, has been reviewed.-HH

ECC Charity Review: Lewa Krom,Sadly, there is only one post of what I assume was planned to be an epic covering the friendship of Jaller and Takua/Takanuva. I wish you had posted more of this, because one thing you are good it is getting inside a character's head and running through all their emotions. I didn't even really mind that the chapter you posted had no original story in it. Of course, I assume you were meaning to write some original scenes later, but never got around to it. It's a shame, because I think your angle really has potential. There's just a few things I would recommend tweaking before you do a reboot.First thing, take a look at your paragraphs. These are meant to be sentence "buddies"; ideas that like to hang out together, because they're similar. A new paragraph is not a substitute for an ellipsis (which is ...). If you need a pause in the reader's mind, have the actual narration pause, not break. Here's a good example. All of these sentences are "buddies"; similar or related ideas, so they belong in the same paragraph. Do you see? It's easy, when you know what you're looking for. I realize you have a different writing style, but think of the paragraph rule like a sonnet. A sonnet is a very strict form of poetry; everything has to follow the rules exactly, or it simply isn't a sonnet. But at the same time, that sonnet can talk about anything you want it to. Your writing is like that - there are some rules to follow if you want it to be good, but within those parameters, you can make it uniquely yours.The second thing to do is look for simple errors that detract from your story. I think you mean "unique by every definition of the word". With no power to prevent it. The imagery is pretty slapdash and redundant here. I think you mean to say that Jaller's sight dimmed, not "he watched dimly"; that would mean he wasn't very smart. Both sentences feel disjointed and awkward. You might try rewriting it something along these lines:Jaller was hurled through the air as the Turahk hissed in triumph. His sight dimmed as he felt the fear energy course through his entire body. Corrected-Not even the air rushing past his ears. Seriously? The guy is dying and in pain - I highly doubt he's going to take his own pulse and notice it's slowing down. You might try saying that he noticed the pulse in his ears slowing or that he felt his muscles straining for oxygen. Again, it's very disjointed and jerky, as well as over described. It's we're seeing the whole scene in super slow motion. I realize it's an emotionally charged moment, and that you want the drama to come across, but you are sadly convoluting your own writing. Jaller is dying; we kind of figured he wouldn't be up for an island-wide search. The funeral pace of the action is not helping me to feel for Jaller. Think of your story as a movie playing in the reader's mind. You wouldn't watch a real movie if it was all slow motion, would you? The same principle applies to writing. You need to make it interesting, keep the action flowing. It doesn't take five minutes for Jaller to cling to the staff, get thrown to the ground and die. The suddenness of it is part of what makes his death so horrifying. Cast shadows, not casted. These sentences seems like they might be better used as Jaller's thoughts instead of narration, given the sudden change in tone. Also, since it is a continuous thought, they should be in the same paragraph. This might be better phrased as "He spoke his last words". Try not to repeat the same words too many times in a sentence; it makes the reader feel bored.Now, like I said at the beginning, I do believe you have a good grasp of how your characters should think. The dialogue itself is, of course, not original, although I do think you missed a chance to put your own spin on it. But with regards to the characters themselves, I just think you write it a bit too clearly. When people experience a rush of pain or emotion (or both), they don't often stop to track and think about what they're feeling. You, as the author, do and should track it. But that doesn't mean the reader needs to - they see the show, the amazing disappearing act. You are the magician, and even though you know how it's all done, you'd never give it all away.So, overall, you have good character development and some technical glitches. Keep writing, learning and improving; you'll be the best writer you can be if you are your own toughest critic.-HH

Song: Lay it DownLyrics by Nichole Nordeman To every son and daughterWayward and long goneThe love of a FatherWill leave the light on Josh buried his face in his hands as April shut the front door behind her. How did it get so out of hand? he pleaded. Was it something I said? Did? Didn't say; didn't do? Could I have stopped her? He felt his eyes watering and struggled against the unmanly urge to grab the tissues. His ex-wife's words echoed in his mind, rattling every corner of the world that had seemed so secure just this morning. This is your fault. There was no heated anger of an argument in her voice; it was a collected, premeditated speech. She had been waiting a long time to say those words to his face. She had even waited until their daughter was visiting the neighbors. "This is your fault," April had said calmly. Too calmly for the shocking sentence that followed. "Lacey's only 16, but she's uncontrollable. She hangs out with that boy the police looked into for drugs, and she somehow gets cigarettes into the house. She stays out late, doesn't call and comes home smashed. She's practically dropped out of high school this year. But you don't seem to notice or even care. Our daughter is going to pieces, and you can't be bothered to even look up from your stupid work schedule." He had tried to protest, to say something. But what could he say? Whenever Lacey stayed with him, she seemed so happy and innocent! They still played board games together and spent dad-daughter dates at the mall. She was his pal, his go-to friend, even if her raging hormones and sense of humor were sometimes beyond his realm of comprehension. Those precious weekends were the highlight of his life, ever since April had taken Lacey and moved an hour away. "I've done everything for her," April had continued, her neatly painted nails tapping the dining table. "Everything I could. But whatever you're doing to her here, it's changed her. I hope you're happy, Josh - you've ruined my life and now hers." He remembered the exact way she tossed her head, looking just as self-righteous as she sounded. Josh shook his head. April was a pain he had managed to forget, but to watch her sitting across the table, calmly blaming him for everything their daughter was doing, had opened an old wound. It was never good enough for her. No matter what I did, she'd think of a way to do it better. He shook his head. Stop it! Lacey is what's important right now. My baby girl... I have to save her. I can still help her, figure out what to do. I tried to throw you off trackA needle in the haystackAnd I don't know how you found meOr why you let me come back He glanced up at the mantlepiece. Several framed pictures of himself and Lacey decorated the shelf, showing various vacations or just those snapshots he had teased her into posing for. Josh was a confirmed shutterbug and he loved nothing better for a subject than his beautiful dark-haired daughter. She looks so happy, he thought sadly, standing up and touching one of the frames. A single tear rolled down his cheek. Oh, God, he thought, meaning the word as a name for the first time in years. Whatever I've done, whatever mistakes I've made in my life, please don't let Lacey repeat them. Don't let my baby be hurt. He wiped the saltwater off his chin with his sleeve. "Don't worry, Lace," he whispered. "I promise, we'll get you through this. Whatever happens." "Get me through what?" came the light-hearted response. Josh turned around to find Lacey leaning coolly again the doorway, smiling at him. "Lace, honey." He practically ran to her before hugging her tightly. He felt like he never wanted to let go. Lacey laughed. "Lay off, dad; you're gonna smother me." The calmness of her voice reminded him cruelly of his conversation with April just a few minutes before. In many ways, she was her mother's daughter, he reminded himself. He saw so much in her of what he used to love in April. This was going to be the hardest thing he would ever do. "Sorry, kiddo." He tried to smile at her as he let her go. Lacey cocked her head to one side. "Hey, your eyes are red! Was mom giving you a hard time again?" "Yeah... Sort of." He instinctively wiped his eyes on his sleeve again. If only he could get rid of this feeling that he was too weak to handle this false laughter, this facade of happiness. "She has her pain-in-neck days." Lacey snorted. "Lately, she's been all over my case. 'Why didn't you do this? Why did you get home so late? Why'd you buy this? Why didn't you clean your room?' It's getting so stupid. She thinks she owns me." "I'm sure she's just trying to help you, honey." he said, making a move for the kitchen. They usually made some sort of super-sugary snack while she stayed over, April's passion for health food being not regarded in this house. "Why are you always like that?" Lacey sounded suddenly very serious. "Like what, baby?" The teenager shrugged. "So nice to her. She was horrible to you, and you never say anything, never lay into her." Josh scratched his head. "I used to, Lace. I used to pitch into her every chance I got. But every time I did, it scared you. One time, when you were six, you came up to me after your mom and I had a fight and you asked me if I'd ever yell at you like that." He paused, getting out the marshmallow fluff from the pantry. "I guess it scared me that my baby girl could think I'd ever yell at her like that. So I stopped. Doesn't mean I stopped thinking a bunch of flowery words at April, but I swore I'd never say them again." Lacey opened the brownie mix slowly. "Hey, dad? What if I deserved it? Like, pretend I held up a Qwik-Mart, or something; would you yell at me then?" Josh swallowed hard. "I'd try not to. I'd just be scared you were hurt and wanna protect you." "Thanks." Lacey smiled naturally, cracking eggs into the bowl with the brownie mix. "You knew that; didn't you, Lace?" he asked anxiously. "If you're in trouble... If you need someone to talk to--" She laughed. "Oh, geez, dad. It was just a 'what if'. I'm doing fine." Josh stared hard at the tall girl. Never before had he been so sure that she was lying to him. "Okay, honey. Just... If you ever need someone, I'm here for you." "Sure. When I get arrested for lifting candy bars, I'll call you." she teased, licking the chocolate-covered spatula. Cuz it's a long way homeWhen all you're left to carryIs a heart of stoneAnd the weight of most the worldAnd I'd like to Lacey stared at the ceiling of her room. Her dad lived in a townhouse, so space was tight, but he always kept one bedroom ready for her on the weekends. He was so sweet, even if he did worry too much. Her cell phone vibrated quietly on the nightstand. She checked the screen and frowned. She didn't feel like answering her boyfriend's text just now. Mom told him, she thought, turning over in bed. She told him about school, the parties, Alex. He knows. How could she do that to me? It's not fair! I'm sixteen - I'm old enough to make my own choices! Somewhere, in the far corner of her mind, she wanted to cry. She hadn't wanted her dad to find out. The partying and acting out, that was all stuff she did to get her mom's attention. She had never wanted her dad to know what a different person she was away from him. He had always loved her, always tried to protect her, even through the messy divorce. And while sometimes she found that protection restricting, tonight she just wanted him to tell her forgave her and it would be okay. Lay it down a littleLay it down a lotI don't want to hold it anymoreLay it down in pieces orLay it down in wholeEverything I've carried on my ownLay it down, lay it downLay it down, lay it down As she lay in the dark, scrunching her pillow to relieve her feelings, Lacey heard a soft knock on the door of her room. "Lace? You awake?" Josh whispered. "Yeah; c'mon in, dad." she answered, sitting up. Josh opened the door quietly and sat down on the foot of her double mattress. In the dark, his deep brown skin blended in with the night, making it hard to read his expression. "Hey, baby. I thought you might be awake, so I just..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say. How could he possibly bring up what April had told him without sounding like he was accusing Lacey? The teenager frowned. "You wanna know if what mom said is true? If I do drugs, hang with gangs and hit old ladies?" "No, no, Lace." he said quickly and firmly. "I know you'd never hurt anybody." He still trusts me? Lacey wondered in amazement. He's not upset I lied to him? Josh shook his head, trying to shape his words carefully. "I don't even believe most of what your mom said. I know you, honey; whatever little thing you've done to freak her out every now and then, it's no big deal. I just... I needed you to know that. It's not a big deal." For the first time in who-knew-how long, Lacey's conscience pained her. She had never felt guilty about doing anything to show her mom how little she cared. But her dad... Even when faced with evidence to the contrary, he believed in her, took her side. She felt her eyes watering and blinked to hide it. She had lied this long; she could lie a while longer. She couldn't shatter his blind faith in her. "Thanks, daddy. That means a lot." I spent your moneyLiving on the fringesBut you threw a party for meInvited all your big friendsAnd I have learned a little bitAbout a heavy loadAll that gleams and glittersIs not worth its weight in goldAnd I know I should Josh only stayed a few minutes after that; he wanted to make sure Lacey got enough sleep. But he was too worried to get any rest himself. I'll make a quick sandwich or something, he told himself. I need to give Lacey some space. If there's anything to tell, she'll say it when she's ready. I won't force her. He walked into the kitchen and began making a quiet snack, disregarding the sickening feeling in his stomach that his daughter was hiding from him. Doesn't she trust me enough to tell me? Is she scared to say whatever she's done? he wondered. Doesn't she know I'd forgive her? He half-consciously pictured all the horrible things teenagers did on the ten o'clock news. He saw his little girl being dragged down by the slippery pit of self-damage and almost stabbed his hand with the bread knife by accident. Josh was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but that moment, he came as close to it as he ever would. "Look, God or whoever's out there," he muttered, "I just wanna save Lacey. Could you help me do that? Just save my little girl. I don't want her to be hurt." There was no light or voice that answered, no choir of singing angels or even a loud gust of wind. But Josh felt something snap in his heart, some barrier that had been closed for so long he didn't know there was anything on the other side. A new feeling, a tangible, inexplicable calm, came over him. Whatever happened, he knew it would be okay. Lacey was going to be saved. Lay it down a littleLay it down a lotI don't want to hold it anymoreLay it down in pieces orLay it down in wholeEverything I've carried on my ownLay it down, lay it downLay it down, lay it down Lacey listened to the sound of her dad in the kitchen, probably making a midnight snack. She blinked rapidly against the stubborn tears in her eyes. Why am I feeling so guilty?! This isn't my fault; it's mom's. She should have kept her big mouth shut. She shut her eyes, trying to block out the noise, the dark, her own pricking conscience. Just go to him, that annoying corner of her mind whispered. He'll forgive you; he'll understand. She gave a sharp, quiet laugh. I'm too far gone. He can't forgive me for lying to him and pretending to be someone else. He doesn't love me; he loves the kid I used to be. You don't really believe that, the other thought answered. He loves you, Lacey. He loves you and he's waiting. Just go. She shook her head. "No." she said aloud. "I can't." Go. Lacey sighed in exasperation. She wanted nothing more than to get this feeling of heavy guilt off her chest. She wanted to feel her dad's too-tight hug again and hear him call her "honey", knowing who she really was. She slipped out from under the covers, brushed her hair into some semblance of order and opened the door. To every son and daughterWayward and long gone... -HH

Hurrah for you, Tolkien! Karzahni's realm was so swept over and wasted in the books - a fallen place like that is a great medium with which to paint. Good choice for a SS.The emotions that Uil goes through are beautifully done. The progression from broken to hopless to desperation feels very natural. At the same time, I felt a little explanation might be in order for why the older matoran does not leave with him. If brokeness is all you have to look forward to in Karzahni's realm, dying in an attempt to escape doesn't seem so bad by contrast. Sweet, poignant summarization. This whole story reminds me somewhat of Dante's Inferno. Again, great job, and good luck in the LSO!-HH

I'm going to cry. Seriously, I never tear up when reading, but this reminded me of a friend I love very much and... And I'm losing it. *reaches for the tissues*Okay, I'm better now. On a grammar level, of course you did excellent, although I have to admit, I was too busy reading to watch very closely for spelling errors. The characters are realistic without being harsh. 'Tina is particularly adorable. And the story itself is so beautifully real and sad - you said this story was inspired by actual friends? As much as I love Faux and your exciting fanfics, this is what you do best, Aderia - scenes from everyday life, the quiet heroes who never wear Kanohi or save the world. I applaud you.-HH

Thanks! I was in a writing mood and my whole brain just went, "What is the wildest thing I can do with Bionicle?". So I'm glad whatever came out isn't just plain weird. The idea is that Avernii is a land in the Matoran Universe that has been complete isolated for thousands on thousands of years, creating a unique and sort of tribal/mystic culture; I was partly inspired by Inuit tribes in Alaska and Canada. The invading Jarakh-Gul are the Skakdi; these matoran just don't know their real name and consequently made one up. And yeah, I added some fantasy. I just couldn't resist. Wow, that would be a big project. Since I already have Life is a Blank going, don't expect an epic to be born from this anytime soon, but I'll definitely think about expanding it. Thanks for the advice, Ced! Sorry; Valixia. -HH

Seer "It was kind of you to come, Nika; had I known the weather would be this bad--""Do not fear, Xaniir; I foresaw the blizzard and set out in plenty of time."The older matoran smiled. "I am glad of that. Will you take some tea?" As he poured out two steaming mugs of sweet liquid and set them on the table fashioned out of carved bone he added, "I suppose you are wondering why I sent for you?""It is not for me to question your actions, elder." Nika replied respectfully."Let me ask you something, Nika; what is it you fear most?"The young matoran of sound did a double take. "I'm sorry?"Xaniir repeated the question patiently. "What do you fear the most?"Nika laughed. "I'm a hunter, a skilled provider for the village. I kill Laepa deer every day, and I ride on a Skovlaki bird. I'm not afraid of anything."Xaniir shook his head. "Even the oldest and most powerful Zuluska bear in his mighty den is afraid of the torches and spears of matoran. All beings have a fear buried in their hearts. What is yours?""With respect, elder, how does this help me understand the dreams?" the younger matoran asked, a faint tone of impatience in his voice.The old matoran fingered his bone staff. "These dreams are not the same with you. For me, for the others of our village, dreams are no more than stories that are strange the moment we wake. But for you... You saw the blizzard four days before it came. You saw the mad Shadir wolf attack Anahav, the Raddat moles getting into the smokehouse, even the Palgus whale being beached, all before any of these things happened. You are a Seer.""Yes; I have known that for many years, Vam." he replied, using the matoran word for leader or respected one. "The whole village knows that. The dreams make me a better hunter."Xaniir nodded. "But you did not know that your dreams can be controlled, made to show you what you wish. You might even learn to see them in your waking hours."Nika's eyebrows went up in surprise. "Why did you never speak of this before?""It... It is dangerous to command the dreams." the old De-matoran answered slowly. "There was a Seer when I was young; he was called Mikha. He controlled the dreams - he could see days into the future without an effort. If he strained, he could even perceive what the next year held. But Mikha was proud and stubborn. He did not acknowledge his fears. When at last he saw something he feared in his future, he tried to escape the future. He did everything he could to prevent what he had seen."Although he was not often interested in stories that were not about hunts, Nika found himself intrigued. "And? Did he prevent the future he saw?""No. In trying to prevent that event, he set it into motion. It was because of him that the Jarakh-Gul, the smiling ones, came here to Avernii."Nika dropped his clay cup on the floor in shock. "He brought them here? The Jarakh-Gul have killed four of our people in my lifetime! They move the rocks and the sea, and make strange things happen in our heads. A Seer brought that on us?!"The howling winds outside the earth hut seemed to echo the hunter's anger. The sound of ice whipping over the frozen plain was still discernible by the De-matoran's keen ears, even behind a wall a bio thick.Xaniir sighed. "I am afraid it is so. Because Mikha did not know how to deal with fear, his fears became real and hunted him. It is the danger of a Seer's gift."Nika ran his hand over his eyes. He had never guessed that such a great gift could cause so much pain and evil. Could I do something akin to that? Could I bring something as evil as the Jarakh-Gul here? He suppressed a shudder, thinking of the hideous smiling ones, whose spines were exposed and mouths never ceased to grin."Yes, you might." Xaniir said softly, as if reading his thoughts. "That is why, before I teach you to use your gift, I must show you how to deal with your fears."Nika nodded. I will be better than Mikha. I will not be a Seer that ruins his people.The elder leaned back in his sling chair of woven grass. "So, then; what is it you fear?"A long moment of silence followed as Nika searched his mind. At last, he answered quietly, "I think I fear a future in which I am no longer needed, Vam."Xaniir smiled for the first time that night. "You have chosen your fear well, my friend, and I pray to the Great Spirit that such a future will never exist. But if it did, if you saw it coming, what would you do?"A second pause came over the room, the silence broken only by the crackling of the fire and the moaning of the wind outside. "I suppose I would find another place that needed me." the younger matoran said. "I would leave Avernii.""Then," Xaniir stood up slowly to put his hand on Nika's shoulder, "you would truly be the bravest among us. It is a good answer, and a truthful one; though I have sometimes scolded your boastful tongue, you have the heart of a Skovlaki - ready to fly out into the storm to save her chicks."Nika smiled, amused at the comparison. "My fear... How will I control it?"As he sat back down, Xaniir laughed. "Such a feat is not mastered in one night over a cup of tea! I will teach you, but it will be many years perhaps, before you are a true Seer and can foretell more than a few days. Are you willing to be taught?""I am." he answered firmly."Then let our lessons begin."-S

I really shouldn't be surprised anymore, but can I say it anyway? Wow, what a cool way to tell BZP's history of hacking! I was giggling the whole time; the drama and Bionicle-ization of the whole thing is so tongue-in-cheek. And as always, flawless spelling and grammar. Great job, Valixia.-HH