Steelsheen

The review for Ora Nui: Tale of the Matoran has been posted!-HH

ECC Charity Review TuragaNuva,When I read a story like Ora Nui: Tale of the Matoran, it makes me happy for two different reasons. First, you have the raw potential of a storyteller - that special spark that lets you think up imaginative stories and fascinate other people with your yarns. Second, I'm happy that it's my job to help you take that raw talent and refine it into a gift. No one can be a really good storyteller without that spark of Takua-type imagination, but it's not enough to just have the raw ability. A story that is thoughtful, creative and intriguing will always be ignored if the writing form is not up to par.Don't get me wrong; your writing is not bad. I found only one spelling mistake in all three chapters, the dialogue is mostly natural and well-thought out, and the characters themselves are each unique. But you do seem to have a problem with your narration and descriptions. Read a part of your dialogue aloud to yourself, then read a piece of your description of scenery or people. Hear the difference? The dialogue sounds like how you might actually talk. The description sounds like a character talking, instead of being narrated.Try to remember that the third person narrator is not a character in the story, and as such cannot add anything to the story that is not absolute fact. It's almost the same thing as a camera lens for a movie - I'll explain more about this later. And no matter what I or anyone else ever says about your stories, you'll always do better if you try to be your own toughest critic. Alright, on to the quoting!From Chapter 1- Okay, two points to cover here. First, never, ever, ever - unless the sky is falling - use parentheses in third person narration. The omniscient third person narrator should not have to amend their thoughts inside brackets - that's something you should only place in a conversation. I noticed several places throughout the story where the parenthetical narration recurs. Try saying something like "... walking over to the tower to double-check that the current crystals' cords were firmly attached, which they were."Second, the last word of this quote should be "differently", not "different".From Chapter 1- Corrected-"Well, okay," Rila replied. "But be back soo--" She stopped in mid-sentence, seeing that Hiko was already out the door.From Chapter 1- In this case, your quest for unique descriptions has backfired - these sentences are more confusing than imaginative. Since this sort of description happens multiple times, this is an ideal place to stop and look at it in detail. Let's take it one sentence at a time."Silent."It simply isn't a complete sentence. A sentence needs two things:a noun - a person, a thing or even an idea that is the subject of the sentencea verb - an action that is performed by, on, near or remembered by the noun.You could try saying "Silence reigned supreme" or "Silence was unescapable". Even "All was silent" works. The point is that in third person narration, every sentence must be a complete thought. The narrator is the all-knowing, all-seeing "Great Being" of your story - they do not have opinions or feelings."That’s what it was like in De-Wohe: complete and utter silence."The word "like" is so tricky in modern writing. It used to be that it was only used for comparisons - "This tree is a like a green giant", which is an opinion, not a fact. But since so many people use it as a filler word - something to put in a sentence because they are still processing their thoughts - it's now perfectly natural to use it in dialogue. Some dialogue even sounds odd without fillers. But in narration? It's the camera lens of the story, and cameras can't have opinions. It again brings up the point that third person narration is not a stand-in for one more person talking. Try "De-Wohe was constantly engulfed in complete and utter silence" or "Complete and utter silence hung over the whole of De-Wohe"."Occasionally, there were whispers, but these usually resulted in so much more whispering and murmuring that they were generally avoided."This is very convoluted. All you meant to convey to the reader is that De-matoran don't like to talk very much, but you end up leaving me wondering if whispers are creatures to be avoided. Try "Talking was avoided as much as possible" or "Talking was frowned upon by so many that it was rarely heard". You could even combine this with the next sentence and say "Noise being painful to the ears, talking was avoided in this region"."Noise was painful. No De-Matoran liked noise."These sentences are technically correct, since you have a noun and a verb, but it might sound better to make them one sentence with a semi-colon in between.From Chapter 1- Nothing wrong with the writing here - you just forgot to italicize her thoughts in this part.From Chapter 1- Ah, my old enemy: the run-on sentence. Let me show you an easy trick my mom taught me when I was 11 to help me with this problem.First, what do you need this sentence to tell the reader? Answer: the contents of Kape's hut. Let's list them.- a hammock- a lightcrystal that is the only source of light for the room- a reinforced southern wall- a water tank fed by a gutter- a gutter that encircles the roofOkay, now which of these items pair well together in a sentence? The hammock and lightcrystal are hung near each other, so they go together in one sentence. The southern wall is not exactly necessary, but it can fit with the gutter in a second sentence. That leaves the rain barrel for last, and it should either go with the second sentence or in it's own.Example: "On the left hung her hammock with the room's single lightstone just above it. To the right, the gutter that encircled the roof came through the wall just above the water tank that stored the fallen rain."From Chapter 1- Again, just forgot the italics for Kape's thoughts. Although, looking at your notes, you already know that, so I won't point those out unless there's something else wrong with the sentence. Just be sure to fix their thoughts at some point! From Chapter 1- Corrected-Shutting the box quickly and stowing the weapon on her back, she walked to the doorway, bent on identifying the noise. Pressing her ear to the door, it seemed to be metal hitting metal. Is that... fighting? Who could be fighting around here these days? she thought as she pulled the window curtain open. A moment later, she gasped in shock.Side note: does a grappling hook really count as a weapon?From Chapter 2- Corrected-Before long, Paru came to a rainforest where the air was heavy with moisture. Using his long, thin staff, he pushed the occasional vine bush or branch aside, sometimes pausing to wipe perspiration off his Hau.Again, the narrator should not need to add to or fix their descriptions. As to the "condensed water", I think you meant "condensation", but that only takes place with cold objects.From Chapter 2- Missing italics and "forestation" means the planting of trees; try "forest", "greenery", "jungle", "woodland", "woods" or "copse".From Chapter 2- Corrected-Resuming his walk towards Kape's hut, he began to ask Pata, "So, just where was the --" Ahi stopped, shocked by the scene before him.From Chapter 2- emphasis addedFirst misspelling I've found. Considering the rest of the sentence, try "Mita asked in a friendly manner".From Chapter 3- Missing italics, and the last sentence is incomplete. The years he spent fighting.... What? Changed him? Helped him? Kept him in shape?From Chapter 3- Missing italics, and change "He'd thought" to "he had thought", then begin a new sentence. As a general rule, you don't want the third person narrator to use contractions - that's something characters do.From Chapter 3- Maintain the narrator's camera-cool tone; not characterizing, just describing. "With one thing leading to another...."From Chapter 3- Missing italics for Ahi's thoughts, and cut "When" from the beginning of the fourth sentence.From Chapter 3- What do you know; I guess a grappling hook is a weapon! From Chapter 3- Corrected-Ahi was about to launch into another outburst when Kape shot him a look that pleaded for him to trust her and just wait.From Chapter 3- Corrected-Mita was moderately pleased with his new method of stopping the boat, although he felt he could have done better, given more time. It was really a very simple solution, he thought.From Chapter 3- Ahi's pleasure can't be both apparent and hidden. He could be trying unsuccessfully to hide it, which is what I think you meant to say.From Chapter 3- "Dove" is incorrect in this sentence. You can use either "Mita had dived" or "Mita dove". Considering that this part of the story is being told in the past tense, I'd go for the former.From Chapter 3- Paru can't be both calm and angry; I think you meant that he was cold and angry.One last note of criticism: your scenes change with no formatting indication whatsoever. It jumps without pause from Ga-Wohe to Po-Wohe to who-knows-Wohe without any asterisks to show a change or even just an extra line break. The reader needs some clear indication that the scene is changing. Personally, I prefer using* * * to break up my frames, but there's a ton of cool marks to choose from.Now for the fun part: characters!Using the Year 1 tactic of creating six subplots and weaving them together later, while not original, gives us a great opportunity to meet the matoran stars. As such, even though only three chapters have been posted, I already have a pretty good idea of what everyone is like. The matoran have depth and room for growth; just be careful not to reveal everything in their backstory too fast. Pakohe is my favorite so far, with his quips and nicknames for everyone else. So, in summation, you have solid characters, realistic dialogue, an interesting plot, a unique location, some sentence structure issues and a narrator who needs a bit of touching up. Keep on going!-HH

Stave 28 Hahli took a second gulp of oxygen from her air bladder as she dove deeper beneath the waves. The glimmer in the side of the cliff could not be seen from the surface, but the darker the liquid protodermis grew, the easier the cave was to see. The light it emitted was a silvery, flickering beam - an unnatural, star-like radiance. Thrusting herself between the jagged rocks at the cave mouth, the pressure of the water propelled her upward and she broke the surface. The air here was stale and heavy. No lightstones, she noted, running her hand over the smooth stone wall. No signs of any digging or mining. But the walls aren't natural. More like the rock was shaped by a Toa. The source of the light was a large pool of liquid in the center of the perfectly round cavern. Even without the slightest movement on the surface of the protodermis, the light flickered and wavered like a silver fire. Cautiously, she walked to the edge of the pool. "Hello?" she called boldly. Her voice should have echoed against the rocks, but the protodermis seemed to absorb the sound. "Gyet sent me. He said you could help." In response, the pool rippled. A voice rang out in the chamber; a sound completely devoid of emotion, neither dark or light. "I am here, Ga-matoran." "Who are-- what are you?" she asked, staring at the pool, trying to make out the speaker. "I am the creator and destroyer of worlds. I am the thing that built the world in the beginning and I will one day engulf it all into nothingness once more." Hahli snorted mentally. Of course, Gyet would send me to the stargazer on the mountain who talks in riddles and philosophy. Here I was expecting some actual help. "I am the potential of all livings things - to become greater than they are.... or to die." the voice continued, oblivious to her thoughts. "I am the energy of this planet, of every being that walks it's face." "Okay, then." She made a mental note to ask for short explanations from now on. "Gyet said you would be able to help me. I have a--" She paused. She couldn't really say "friend" about Jaller. "A Toa I know; he's sick. People call it the Mendarii. It makes him go crazy and act like an animal. He can't control himself, and he's going to die soon." She waited for a response, but none came. "Hello? Did you hear me?" "Of course." "So why aren't you answering?" "I am not made to act on my own. I will only speak when asked a question." the being replied. The center of the pool was shifting, building itself into what appeared to be a head. Hahli wavered between curiosity and frustration. "Why? Why can't you just talk?" The head was now almost solid looking and the "mouth" appeared to form words. "It is my purpose to exist, for good or for evil. I do not instigate or act on my own; I am here to be used. It is the way of the world that power exists." "Okay, okay. Forget I asked." Hahli rolled her eyes. "Do you have a name?" A faint trace of emotion - puzzlement - crossed the face of the pool. "No." "So what do I call you?" The face seemed to struggle with the question. "Gyet calls me 'Guardian'. You may call me that." "So, can you help me with the Toa, Guardian?" she demanded. "This disease you speak of is not familiar to me," it replied. "But I can tell you what I know of your kind. It may help you identify a cure. Toa and matoran alike have a spark, no more, of the very first energy used by the Great Beings when they made the world - my energy. In matoran, this energy is barely enough to feel the presence of the elements. In Toa, that energy is multiplied a hundred-fold and they can use it manipulate the natural world." One sentence caught her attention. "A spark of your energy?" The head nodded. "It was given to the very first matoran and has been passed down your lines for hundreds of thousands of years." Hahli stared at the pool. Glowing, untainted, neutral. She thought of the time Jaller had taken her down to the Mendar-Kahllu and shown her what a Mendarii-stricken Toa looked like. He had meant it to be a warning. She remembered him telling her that he could do worse things to her if she betrayed him or his master. What was it about that moment that had stuck with her? Something in her head, that little voice that had kept her alive in the city of secrets and death, was screaming at her to understand. She closed her eyes and focused on the memory. Their masks, she thought. Their masks were all covered in slime. Dark, nasty, green stuff. Her eyes flew open. That was the answer. Whatever caused the Mendarii was the opposite of energized protodermis, could be cured by energized protodermis. "I need to--" she started, then stopped. Considering that she really needed him to cooperate, she should probably ask, not demand. "Can I please take some of your protodermis? I think it will cure the Toa." The Guardian nodded again. "I am here to be used, matoran. But know this - the powers I hold are determined only by fate. A drop of my substance may heal, or destroy. Were you to jump in now, you could come out changed, more of who you are, or you could disintegrate into nothing." "Thanks for the warning," she replied, taking her air bladder out of her pack. It seemed sturdy enough to carry some of the liquid. Carefully, she dipped the mouthpiece into the pool and let a little protodermis run into the plastic sack. She pulled it out and tied off the end in a knot before stowing it in her pocket. No way am I going to lose this. As she turned to walk out of the cave, one last question came to mind. She looked back at the Guardian, who was again melting into the pool. "Why are you down here?" A faint laugh answered. "I would tell you, but it would take more years than you have left, matoran."Review

Grant,The rule is that you must submit a PM requesting a second review, either to Cederak or Velox. However, since Cederak is currently on vacation and I'm filling in as head of the ECC, I've decided to assign your second review to one of our contest winners: GSR. I'm alloting him ten days to post the review. Keep up the good work!-HH

Ah, another chapter well done, Aderia! Your scenery and people described so well, with just the right amount of adjectives. As Inéha progresses, I like her more and more - she's less abrasive and more understandably tough. Evior is getting a little hard to understand, though; having been brainwashed all his life and being self-acknowledged "Makuta spawn", his attraction to Inéha is strong enough after a few days to make him risk his life for her? He's either very love-sick, or he's just never met anyone who made him think before. Or maybe he's tired of being "perfect". At any rate, I like the pace this is going at and can't wait to read more. -HH

Stave 27 Hahli felt tired and discouraged. She had been searching for this sea cave Gyet spoke of for nearly two hours. Her canoe paddle was beginning to chafe against her armored hands, and she was sore from sitting for too long. "He couldn't give me anything more specific than a half-moon?" she muttered. For the fourth time in as many minutes, she looked anxiously towards the shore of the city. The Vahki patrols would be setting out soon, ensuring that all fishing boats were accounted for by the end of the day. When that happened, she would either have to ditch the canoe or be back in the city. "Half-moon in the cliff." She turned to face the seemingly endless Great Barrier again. The many jagged cliffs and weathered rocks formed no shapes at all, to her mind. "So, if I'm an old Ta-matoran with eyes probably full of liquid protodermis at this point," Hahli dipped her hand overboard and splashed some protodermis on her mask, "I'm used to making up codes and hiding secrets; I'm looking for a way to mark this cave mentally.... So what do I see?" Hahli squinted through the drips on her Mask of Illusion, trying to see what Gyet saw. That had been one of her first lessons under Toa Jaller - thinking like your target, seeing what they saw. And as the liquid dribbled off her mask, the setting sun hit the protodermis in a way that illuminated a rough half-circle on the cliff face about a hundred bio to her left. "And there's the moon." she smiled, wiping off her kanohi. Her triumph was cut short by the sound of a Vahki sea transport zooming out from the nearest dock, it's twin propellers whirling. She squinted against the sunset, making out six - no, seven Bordahk on board. Hahli's first instinct was to dive and hold her breath, but she was too far away to make it to the cave without surfacing. Plus, I don't know where the cave is, exactly. Setting her teeth, Hahli triggered her protosteel switchblade and put a level four freeze disc in her launcher. I guess this Vahki patrol will just have to have some serious malfunctions, she thought, slipping into the water. * * * It only took the mechanical enforcers a few minutes to locate the drifting canoe. They chittered an unintelligible warning as they approached. When they found no matoran on board, the Vahki squad leader took a holo-picture of the boat's identification code while two others hoisted it on board the larger craft. The squad leader then directed a second pair of Bordahk to jump overboard and scan the area for the owner of the craft. As the squad leader waited for a report on the missing lawbreaker, the remaining four Vahki did a quick scan of the canoe's contents. A fishing net, a scaling knife and a tattered sea cloak were the usual things a Ga-metru fisher would use. One of the four turned to report their findings to the squad leader, but was stopped by a high-pitched shriek from two of it's partners. The fourth Bordahk lay slumped across the canoe, a gaping hole in the back of its headpiece. Instantly, the three subordinates and the squad leader were on full alert. They quickly moved into a wedge formation and went to inspect their fallen comrade. Another squeal was cut off sharply - the rear Vahki was frozen solid, the ice splitting it's joints and coating it's gears. Without pause, the remaining three stood back-to-back in a triangle formation, chirping angrily at each other. Their opponent seemed to like striking without being seen, so they adapted accordingly. The squad leader did a slow visual scan of the deck, the surrounding water and the cliffs. Nothing seemed amiss, save for the two sparking bodies. The second in command chirped a warning as something flashed before it's visual scanner. A moment later, the Bordahk's head was sliced in half. A splash sounded as the mysterious attacker dove into the water. The leader and it's one remaining subordinate followed, hitting the water seamlessly and following the trail of bubbles. The attacker, whom they could not get a good look at due to the lack of light, swam straight down into the dark liquid of the Silver Sea. At the same moment, both the leader and the subordinate spotted movement coming towards them. They kicked harder, straining to reach their target. Too late, their scanners showed that the things coming towards them were their own comrades. Too late, they tried to dodge the sharp staffs. Too late, they felt the metal pierce their armor and the water rush into their circuitry. And much too late did the second pair of Vahki remember that water conducts electricity. * * * There was a flash and a crackle across the surface of the protodermis sea as the four Vahki were fried. Hahli looked over the edge of the Vahki transport, shoving her wet hair out of her face, and smiled. As if nothing had happened, she reved the boat's engine and headed for the shining half-moon in the cliffside.Review

The second review for Danger Close has been posted. Peach 00, it is my honor to serve you again! -HH

ECC Review: Peach 00, it is my privilege to review your epic twice! Since I have already given a review of the first seven chapters, this review will focus on chapters 8 - 21 and the story as a whole.First, let me say that you have definitely given us an original story with quite a bit of new and vivid scenery. The wide variety of characters have unique names and personalities. Your spelling is, as far as I can tell, flawless, and your paragraphs are generally a good length. And the character/island index in the review topic is a nice little bonus feature.The characters themselves are sometimes under-developed, but your best work is definitely Tikiani. We as the reader feel her struggle and pain, although by the end of it, we do not sympathise with her. I fail to see what Jilin and Delrak see in Nagii that makes them like her so much - she comes across as confusingly blunt, harsh, cold, soft, changeable and sweet. If you don't have a clear idea in your head of who the characters are, the reader won't even have a clue. Try writing out a full list of each characters' attributes.You seem to have some difficulty with your narration. At times, it's highly detailed and stark; at other times, it takes poetic viewpoint. Once, you even slip into first person narration (see quotes). I just want to give you a little pep talk on this head - you, as the narrator of the story, are literally the most important person in the epic! You have the most lines, the most knowledge and the most power. You, above everyone else, must be consistent and well-spoken. If the narration fails, everything fails. Write less as if you're in poetry class and more like you're telling the story to your best friend.As I read, several large mistakes stood out, and I have collected a few of them so you can see how to improve. If it helps, you make a couple of mistakes over and over, not a bunch of different ones. That means they're easily correctable! From Observations- Saying that "the Toa's face was cloaked underneath... the dark black cloak" is redundant on two levels. First, if you're wearing a cloak over your face, then it's pretty obvious your face is cloaked. Second, there is no version of the color black that isn't dark. This kind of repetitive narration continues throughout the story. Remember that the reader needs concise, thoughtful narration to be able to follow the story well. When you try to crowd in too much description, people start skimming instead of reading.From Observations- Here's a good place to show you what I mean about being concise. You have a really neat-looking character introduced here, but you do it in such a way that leaves the reader saying, "huh?". Collect your mental image of this character and put it down on paper (virtual or otherwise). 1. He has two elements - ice and shadow.2. His armor is white and black.3. He has a broadsword.4. He has a sheath (scabbard is actually not the right word for a broadsword) and belt, both made of black leather.5. He has a Kanohi Miru; the right half is white and the left half is black.6. His eyes are different colors: right is blue and left is red.7. His appearance is frightning.Now, think about what is absolutely necessary to say about the character at this point - probably everything except point 1, since his elemental powers can be revealed later on. Okay, now how would you tell someone what he looked like?His armor was stark black and white. At his waist hung a belt and sheath containing a large broadsword. His unusual Kanohi Miru was half black, half white, with frightening eyes to match - the left was dark red, and the right a piercing blue. Altogether, he was not only an imposing figure, but seemed the stuff of nightmares.Hear the difference? I still used some descriptive adjectives, and you still have a mental image of the character. But it is a lot shorter and more to the point. You are an author, not a movie camera. Give people a basic image and let their minds fill in some blanks.From Observations- Too many colors! Is he silver? Or navy blue? (which is two words, not hyphenated, by the way) Or silver? If you want a character to have multiple colors, say that his armor was "navy blue with silver and white accents". Otherwise, it sounds like he's a chameleon. From Boarding the Cruiser- I think you were trying to have Uzian say that Delrak had betrayed him and must now face his wrath. But "you are none of cowardice and only bravery to try and face me" and "I attend to business I won't simply let wait for me to finish it" are grammatically incorrect, as well as incomplete sentences.This is a good place to stop for a second and talk about your dialogue (pun intended). Your characters change emotions at the drop of a hat, and use awkward slang and grammar. When writing what your characters are saying, say it out loud to yourself. Does it sound natural? Would you say something like this? Does it fit with the flow of the scene?Okay, back to the quotes.From Boarding the Cruiser- In the "forever" of conversation, which means "a long time", this works. But in narration, you want to be very careful about using the right word. This takes place again through the whole epic, with words like "gawking" (to stare stupidly) and "memorable" being used in places where "looked" and "remembered" are what you really mean. Just because they are more emotionally charged doesn't mean that they are the right choice.From Awakening- If it appears to be burgundy, it probably is burgundy. As a general rule, only use "appeared to be" in narration if you plan to show that it is different than it's appearance.From Beginning the Chase: part 1- First, you have already given us a good idea of what Stelt looks like. Second, if you describe something in visual terms, you don't need to tell us immediately afterwards that you just told us something visual. Less is more.From In Pursuit: part 2- Use either "continuous loop" or "cycle". Put a period or a semi-colon after followed.From In Pursuit: part 2- From Aftermath- Again, just pick one descriptive word.From The Beginning: part 1- Just for the record, Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, etc. are military code words from our world. You might want to make up your own code words, as they sound a bit off used in BIONICLE.From Going Under: part 2- Try using: "Jilin?" Alyssia asked, sounding scared.From Clash: part 2- You strayed into in-character narration on the last sentence. Also, beginning almost all your new scenes with a "him" or a "her" doing something gets very confusing. Cederak had to snap me out of that, too, when I first started writing. Trust me, it doesn't add any of the mystery you're going for; it just ends with people skimming.From Clash: part 2- The person Mata Nui is not hyphenated. The island Mata-Nui is hyphenated.Once or twice, you use the measurement of kilometers and the familial terms "daughter" and "father". If you're going for canon biology and measurement, BIONICLES don't have fathers or daughters - try using "mentor" and "friend" instead. Also, BIONICLES measure in bios, kios, and mios. Kilometers, miles, etc. have no meaning for them. (See http://bionicle.wikia.com/wiki/Matoran_Language#Measurements)I have two question that I can't find an answer to anywhere in the epic: are matoran the same height as Toa? (Nagii dances with/hugs/kisses taller beings with seemingly no height problem) And is this story set in the canon universe?Overall, Peach, you have given us a good plot with a lot of overdone descriptions and narration. Polish it up, and you'll have a winner!-HH

Peach 00, as stated above, you must request a second review only by PM to Velox or Cederak. Your request will then be up to their discretion. Generally, they have allowed second reviews when a large amount has been added (like with your epic). But you must request the review via PM. Thanks!-HH

Aderia, we have a mutual liking for the Toa Metru/Hordika. And Matau's always been my favorite. I think if I were handed a Toa Stone, he's probably what I'd be like. As you pointed out, he's got some vanity issues, which were just briefly hinted at in the books and WoS. And as much as I'd love to say I wrote this because of some deep philosophical need to expose vanity as a flaw, I actually got this idea from a nightmare of my own. I do enjoy it, but I'm more pleased that you enjoy reading it! Your idea about Makuta/minions trying to demoralize the Toa is intriguing... To be honest, I hadn't thought of this being anything more than a short story. If you want to take that idea and run with it, feel free; I think it's a bit beyond my own skills at this point. Thanks for both your and Aderia's compliments on the grammar/spelling/dialogue!-HH

Thanks! Yeah, I've always seen the Toa Hordika, particularly Matau, as struggling with almost dual personalities disorder. They have an animal consciousness and a Matoran/Toa consciousness that are at war with each other. And how would that feel? To have someone else inside your head, someone who is you, but isn't you? So, yeah.... rambling. -HH

Monsters Run, run away! Toa Metru Matau's legs pounded beneath him as fast as he could force them. He tried flying once more, but the wind not only ignored his command; it laughed in his face.Toa of Air, the breeze whispered, not so great without me, are you? "Why... are you... doing this?" Matau gasped, still running around and around the track. Mangled, wrecked vehicles lay scattered across the floor, tripping him and getting in his way.For fun, came the hissed reply. "Oh, great. For a timemoment, I was troubleworried you were going evilbad." Matau said in between breaths, every syllable dripping sarcasm. "Now I headknow you're just cruelmean."Save your breath for running, Toa, the wind mocked. Run, run away. He's gaining on you. Run. The creature chasing him snarled in rage, saliva dripping off it's six-inch fangs. It ran on all fours, like a Rahi, but the face bore a much more intelligent rage than a mere animal. How Matau knew that, he wasn't quite sure because he dared not look back and check, but he did know it. Hearing the sound of it's footfalls grow nearer, he pushed himself harder to get away. Away to his left, somewhere in the darkness of the track, he heard Vakama yell in pain. "Firespitter?" Matau called back, accidentally slowing his pace. "Matau!" Vakama shouted in anger. "You did it again! You've ruined everything!" The Toa of Air barely dodged a lunge by his pursuer. "Yeah, well, now I feel much less heartinclined to helpgive," he muttered. "Matau?" a lovely female voice cried. "Matau, where are you?" "Nokama!" Matau's heartlight skipped a flash. "I'm here... I'm right here. Where are you?" "Behind you!" Matau struggled to comprehend that and slowed again. "But... the rahicreature--" "--is me!" Nokama called sweetly. "Don't run away! Please." "I don't want to fearrun from you, Nokama, but that thing isn't you." Matau pleaded, still running down the endless test track. For a moment, the only sound was his own light footsteps and his ragged breathing. Then, sobs echoed in every corner of the Le-metru hub. Nokama was crying. Abruptly, Matau planted his feet and turned around. Whatever happened, no matter the danger, he would never leave Nokama alone and crying. With a snarl of hate, the creature sprang on him and ripped his Kanohi Mahiki off with it's bird-like talons. It stank of filth and decay and poison. Pain ripped through his side as it's talons gouged his chest armor. "Nokama!" Matau yelled. "Quickstop! It's me; you're hurting me!" The creature's mouth twisted into what was supposed to be a smile. "She was never here, Toa." The voice was eerily familiar. "There is only you and me. And soon, only me." Matau pitted all his strength against the attacker, but to no avail. Without the wind, he was powerless. "What are you?" he screamed. "Look me in the face and tell me you don't know," the creature chortled mirthlessly. Against his will, against reason, Matau stared straight into it's eyes. "NOOOO!"- - - - - "Matau!" Nokama shook her teammate's shoulder. "Wake up!" He shuddered, opened his eyes and recoiled. "Ahh!" Nokama Hordika rolled her eyes. "Thanks a lot." "Oh, Nokama," Matau groaned, rolling over and sitting up, "thank Mata Nui it's you." "You were screaming. I thought I'd better stop you before you brought all the Visorak on top of us," she chuckled. "Onewa and Nuju have gone to take their turn on watch. You can go back to sleep." "No!" Matau said quickly. "I'm never dreamsleeping again." The Toa Hordika of Water shook her head sympathetically. "Nightmare? We're all getting them. What sort of freak monster was it?" Matau stared. "How'd you know it was a monster?" Nokama smiled drily. "Because every other time I've woken you up, you've asked me if I do it because I care." "Oh, yeah. That." "So what kind of Visorak was getting you?" "Not a Visorak, a monster," the Toa Hordika of Air corrected. "A very scarybad, evilgrin monster." "Makuta," Nokama muttered, cursing under her breath. Matau shook his head. "Worse. I was the monster."-S

Tehurye, Okay, if this isn't Tamaru, it's his twin. I'm just saying. But that's great; I always felt Tamaru was such a neglected character and had great potential. I mean, a Le-matoran who's scared of heights? It doesn't get any more emotionally stretching. The others have commented on your grammar, etc., so I'd rather focus on the story itself. It has no strict "plotline"; it's the musings of one Matoran. No action, no dialogue, even. And you pulled it off brilliantly. The character (read Tamaru) is just working through an emotional slump, but it's so real, so human (sorry, there wasn't another word to express what I meant. If you can find a Bio Universe word that's better, I'll use it) that we can't help thinking back on our own moments of feeling worthless. But your story ends better than most of ours - the character does discovers that he's been automatically doing, without any thought of reward, an action that is worth something. Philosophically and emotionally excellent!-HH