Steelsheen

What you just described sounds more like the Jedi Council, lol!

You mean, something like the Valar in LotR, or the Oyéresu of the Space Trilogy? Not true gods, but god-like rulers?

They're GregF and his staff! jkI think they're probably more highly evolved, like Makuta, so they may not even posses armor.

The review for The Return is up! Thank you for your request, AZBlue. I hope you'll continue posting!-Hahli Historian

ECC Review:Well, first off, it's been a while since I've seen a good old-fashioned post-apocalypse, post-mass-genocide story. You have a tale that is instantly appealing on an emotional and narrational level, which is hard to do with just a prologue. Kudos to you for that!I have a few notes on story clarity - just a few quick edits which will make your epic much easier to follow. For example, you said, Rewritten, "Before he could be subdued, hundreds of beings joined with him, despite all efforts of those who opposed Ahkmou's rebellion." Rewritten, "The Vortixx were the only people who seemed to stay on the sidlines; at least, publicly - everyone knew they produced weapons for both sides."It just takes a little effort to bring out the best of your story. I recommend reading it aloud to yourself just once before you hit publish. It always helps you catch those few last things.Personally, I don't quite understand why Takano is Kolana's love interest, if he was working for the people who caused the genocide. But perhaps that's meant to be part of the mystery and will be revealed later on.... (Ooooh, suspense!)It's a new take on Toa, having to run and hide to keep their kind alive; I can't help but wonder where they'll end up, and how they'll win. Inventive names, good descriptions of scenery, and excellent knowledge of the geography of Mata-Nui, all of which flow into the story quite nicely. Well done, over all.-Hahli Historian

Stave 2 Hewkii was not normally a fearful person. He had a high tolerance for pain and a work ethic that meant he rarely needed any such "encouragement". He was a leader among the Po-matoran, before he was chosen to become a Toa by the Great Spirit. Since then, he had been a model of perfection, both on duty and off. So that made it all the more curious that he was now hiding behind a Po-metru building, praying desperately that he had lost the Vahki tailing him. He activated his Mask of Speed and became a blur, running to the next building. Glancing back, he used his control over stone to shift the sand and make it look as if his footprints led towards the Coliseum. Zadakh are dumb enough to fall for that. They're only programmed to chase and fight, not track. Even so, he checked to make sure. About fifty bio behind him, the squad of four Zadakh walked quickly on their back legs - Vahki never ran unless they were chasing a lawbreaker - and followed the tracks towards the center of the island city. Satisfied, though still uneasy, Hewkii resumed running towards the edge of the district. Under power of his Kakama, the landscape flashed by in perfect clarity. He spotted his target: two matoran waiting behind a dune. At just the right moment, he slowed and stopped. Mere bio away, Po-metru ended in the cliffs that touched the Silver Sea. A young Onu-matoran jumped at his sudden arrival. "Toa! I, uh, I was supposed to meet with some of the Po-matoran crafters, but I lost my caravan, and--" "He's a friend." a Ko-matoran interrupted, nodding recognition to Hewkii. Hewkii studied the Onu-matoran. "New blood, eh?" The Ko-matoran nodded. The Toa looked around to make sure they were not being watched, not with his eyes, but with his elemental power. He could feel every shift of every grain of sand for kio around. Either they were flying, or there simply was no one there. He decided to bet on the latter. "Clear. Let's move." The Ko-matoran led the way down a natural path in the cliffside followed by the Onu-matoran and Hewkii. At the base of the rock face, there was a small flat area just above sea level. Concentrating on his powers, Hewkii moved aside a slab in the bluff to reveal a sort of boat with a curious-looking top. He dragged it out of its hiding place and into the water, then sealed the cliff as if it had never been disturbed. The Ko-matoran helped his friend into the boat, then waited for Hewkii to climb in. As the Toa of Stone settled himself uneasily on the deck, the Ko-matoran flipped a switch and the strange roof of the boat closed over the deck, creating a water-tight seal. The white matoran hit a few more buttons and knobs, triggering the discs that moved the boat. The craft slid smoothly under the waves. "Um, do you guys ever use names?" the Onu-matoran asked timidly, gazing in obvious fear at the Toa. "No." the Ko-matoran answered briefly. Hewkii nodded. "That way, when they catch you, you can't give anyone away, no matter what they do." The Onu-matoran cocked his head. "Um, you said 'when', not 'if', Toa." "Yeah. And I meant it." Hewkii's face was grim. The matoran looked understandably nervous. "So, what exactly have I gotten myself into?" The Ko-matoran gave the young one a deep, searching glance. "Your destiny."Review

Cam is my favorite, too! I went into a tizzy when they didn't bring her back in Deep Freeze. She was so epic.... (sniffle) At any rate, my favorite year of Alpha Team was the undersea mission. I remember playing the animations over and over again, until it drove my brother nuts.

I love this story! Even though I really still have no concept of where this world fits with the BIONICLE universe (other than the Great Beings), I'm totally enthralled by this new dimension. My favorite Seraphs are Landrak, Endico and Talise - the depth and scope of their characters is great. Keep the posts coming!

Here's where to tell me what you think of my story! Any suggestions with regards to clarity or grammar are especially welcome.-HHChapter Index:Stave 1 Stave 11 Stave 21Stave 2 Stave 12 Stave 22Stave 3 Stave 13 Stave 23Stave 4 Stave 14 Stave 24Stave 5 Stave 15 Stave 25Stave 6 Stave 16 Stave 26Stave 7 Stave 17 Stave 27Stave 8 Stave 18 Stave 28Stave 9 Stave 19 Stave 29Stave 10 Stave 20

Author's note: I do not follow canon very closely, particularly with regards to BIONICLE anatomy. I have them about 60% biological (blood, organs, muscles, even hair) and 40% mechanical. They also have familial relationships, children and females and males in all elemental types. Matoran have an average lifespan of 250-300 years, while Toa live for nearly 5,000. Also, this is a "what if" story, although I'm not going to reveal exactly what was altered... That's something you have to discover for yourself.I rate this PG-13 for violence, death and mild romance.EDIT: Because of the length of this epic, there is a chapter index in the Review topic. Life is a Blank How do you fight a battle that has already been lost? Stave 1 Telet tried for what felt like the millionth time to slide his hands through the small gap between the chains and his skin. His chapped wrists protested against the pressure, but he ignored it, trying to work himself free. Even thin and wasted as he was, there was not enough space to get out. "I hate you." he spat at his captor. "That's your problem, not mine." the tall dark figure replied, touching his arm. For so strong a being, he was surprisingly gentle. "I think you're merely misreading what you've seen, but that's just me." "I didn't misread anything! You're not the Great Spirit, and you're not our savior! You may have everyone else thinking you are, but I know better!" A glimmer of a frown crossed the tall being's face. "Your resistance to my benevolence is growing tiresome, matoran." The touch became ever so slightly more rough. "Who else did you tell about what you found?" "No one." Telet tossed his head bravely. "I didn't have time before your Vahki grabbed me." The being stared directly into the matoran's eyes, trying to read the small one's thoughts. It did no good - whatever training this matoran had put himself through, it had included some sort of mind shielding. Which means he hasn't just been reading, the being realized. Someone has to have trained him. "Impressive. Not many can withstand my gaze. So, I must ask, who was your teacher?" The Onu-matoran never broke eye contact. "No one. I taught myself. It was useful when dealing with Vahki." "Yes, I suppose it was." The tall being removed his hand and took a few steps back, examining his captive again, searching for a weak spot. "And yet, those same Vahki managed to find you, and bring you to me. It seems you must not know everything." "I know enough to stop you." Telet smiled grimly. He could feel the pain wracking his chest now, and he choked on something. Spitting it out, a bit of blood ran down his lip. "What's the matter?" the being asked, hastening to examine his face. Telet fought against the urge to cough up more blood. "I'm not stupid. I knew if you didn't get what you wanted from my mind, you'd torture me. And I'd cave. If what the tablets said was accurate, people stronger than me have caved." Involuntarily, he gagged again. "Your Vahki-scraps weren't quick enough when they searched me." The being's face was full of suspicion now. "What have you done, matoran?" Roughly, he yanked the matoran to his feet, snapping the chains with his telekinesis. Telet merely smiled. The pain was gone now, replaced by a numbness. He knew that meant he only had a few seconds. "You... will never... win. Others... Others will find out... what I found. You can't win... You won't." Even as he grasped the knowledge that the matoran had poisoned himself, the being smiled. "Fool. I already have." He dropped the Onu-matoran to the floor carelessly, then turned to a Vahki who stood awaiting orders. "Summon the Toa. I have a few issues to discuss." Gyet, Telet willed his thoughts to reach his closest friend, he knows. They're coming. They're... looking... The tall one glanced back at the matoran as the Vahki exited the chamber. His heartlight was dark. "A noble, but pointless death." He kicked the corpse across the room. No matoran would keep that knowledge to himself, he mused. He had accomplices. And in that lies their weakness - matoran always crack when you threaten one of their own. He looked proudly at the polished silver walls which reflected his own gleaming form: ebony and gold armor buffed to a mirror-like sheen, huge wings that seemed like they belonged on a colorful rahi, and his ancient kanohi. I truly look like the Great Spirit. I am the Great Spirit, after all.Review

Agreed, Podu. It wasn't mysterious; just incredibly complicated and inexplicable.

Granted, but MakutaKlak not only beats them, he mutates them into Hordika!I wish there were more emoticons on BZP.

Granted, but then Lewa has a lot more to talk about and drives everyone crazy.I wish I had a mango.

Granted, but... I can't grant that! NEVER too much LEGO! ;)I wish the above poster would change his wish.

Granted, but you are an ambassador to Destral. :oI wish there were trees on Metru-Nui, so the Le-matoran could vineswing.

Excellent, excellent! Good topic for a short story, and very nicely executed. Your writing is realistic and engaging, your dialogue is natural and your grammar is practically perfect. Well done! Only thing I might've changed was to have the matoran use his name in some of his thoughts, but that's pretty immaterial.

I think BIONICLE was already stretched out too long - it had it's climax (Matoro/Ignika) and then it just... kept going. C. S. Lewis once said said that a story was like water running through a faucet, and once the story was done, the faucet turned off - it's simply done. And if you try to go on, it just sounds forced.If they brought BIONICLE back, I'd most likely just ignore it.

ECC ReviewTekulo: Your plot line is a classic - people getting pulled into another world makes for all kinds of great stories! However, you've chosen very unique and specific characters for the journey, which gives DtD something of a different tang than the usual "flung into space" story. (That's a good thing, by the way!) Your crypticness in showing where the characters are and how Laza and Tetak got "pulled" into this new world gets a five-star rating, though the foreshadowing may just a little too easy to read. And thank you, thank you, for the attention to spelling - there's a few things you missed, but the majority of the writing is crisp and clean. If you want to get everything flawless, try writing in a Word or Pages format (or whatever writing program your computer uses) and just run it through spellcheck before you post. As you go further into the story, I think it would be a good idea to show other facets of Tetak's and Laza's characters; both seem a little two-dimensional at this point. For example, Laza simply appears to be angry at life in general, and Tetak seems a little afraid of anything and everything. The reader needs to feel that they both have driving purposes in their lives, even if that purpose is that they have lost their purpose! Of course, it's still early in the epic, so there's plenty of time for all that, but we need to see glimpses of it pretty early on. The question all readers are asking is "why?", and it's your job to give them just enough answers that they keep asking. All notes aside, they both have great potential as characters, so use them to their fullest! I'm assuming more about Nia and Jet will be revealed over time, but I'll go off what you've given me so far. Jet is certainly a believable Glatorian - big, abrupt, possibly snobby, and pretty intimidating - but Nia's curiosity may be a little overplayed. Her attempted sympathy and utter confusion stemming from the two matoran is good insight into her character, and very realistic. Again, I can't really judge either of them any better than that, because I simply haven't seen enough of them yet. (I'm sure I will, though ) The transitioning between scenes reads almost like a murder mystery movie, where the camera never quite shows you people's faces or where you are. This style is a little hard to follow, but helpful - in fact, necessary - for the story. I also like how you made sure not to reveal everything about what happened or where the matoran are all at once. Timing is everything, and you clearly understand that with regards to narration. Overall, this is not an easy read, but it is a good one. I look forward to the mysteries being revealed!-Hahli Historian

What is this white liquid coming from my gears?(Ftr, that's a Bolt reference. Just in case you haven't seen the movie.)

Will someone please explain why a bunch of people like this show so much?! I watched the first six episodes of season 1, just so I could form an accurate opinion... It's cute and everything, but an internet phenomenon about anime ponies? Really? I just don't get it.Ok, let the flaming begin, lol.

Oh, I'd definitely make a movie of some of the unsung heroes of the Dark Ages, like King Alfred. There are so many exciting stories in that period of history, but no one seems interested in them anymore!

The song is Here Come Those Eyes by Chris Rice.------------- Hewkii stretched his neck, eager for the announcer to stop talking and the kohlii match to begin. This was his fourth game of the season, and the other three had all been victories. Not that it could have gone otherwise, he grinned. I invented this new version. How can anyone beat me at my own game? "Let the game begin!" Jeletu declared through his announcer's horn. Instantly, Hewkii darted for the hole where the ball emerged. The Ga-matoran forward, Hahli, tried to mimic his movement, but she was still a novice. He reached the ball first and sprinted across the field. He counted the seconds, then at just the right moment, he backflipped over Hahli's head. In her suprise and attempt to watch his move, she tripped and stumbled. That was all he needed. He slammed the ball towards the Ga-matoran goal.Here come those eyesThere goes my ability to breatheThose legs are walking her to meOh, tell me I ain't dreaming The Ga-matoran goalie leaped into the air and caught the flying ball with the grace and ease of a veteran. Even after all the time he had known her, Hewkii was impressed. Macku was still the best player he knew. Too bad she got teamed with a rookie this year, he thought, even as he raced to catch the ball again. We could've had an epic championship game.And here comes that smileI can't even move, can't even blink'Cause I don't wanna miss a thing "And that's the game!" Jeletu proclaimed proudly, over the cheers and whistles of the rowdy Po-matoran. "Final score: Po-koro, 5; Ga-koro, 2!" "Not bad that time, Macku." Hewkii teased as she stepped to the center of the field to concede the victory. "Seven blocked shots is impressive against anyone, let alone me." She grinned and tossed her head. "You just wait. I'll beat you yet." "Only when I let you." he replied as the four players bowed to Turaga Onewa. "And I like you so much, I might just do that one day... Nah." Quickly, she planted her feet and gave him a hard shove, nearly making him lose his balance and take a dive into the sand floor of the stadium. "Never underestimate me, Hewkii. Never." Oh, trust me, he smiled, I don't.And I ain't even foolin'When I say the boys and droolin'And the girls are all staring her downMy knees go weakAnd my heart starts to pound "Can you stay in Po-koro for a few days? For training, of course." he asked as he and Macku walked out of the stadium side by side. She laughed. "Training, huh? You still have all the tact of a Muaka." "And you still say yes when I ask you to stay." he replied, waving to the cheering fans behind them. Macku crossed her arms. "Fine. But in exchange, you actually do some training with me. Deal?" "Mata Nui, yes!" Hafu imitated Hewkii's voice as best he could. "You're the woman of my dreams, Macku, and I'll do anything for you!" "Shut up, you maha goat." Hewkii shoved his kohlii partner's shoulder. "Can't you tell when two's company?"It happens every timeShe saunters into the roomIt all blurs and it all starts to zoomAnd then my head starts spinning "You'll come to Ta-koro to watch the championship, right?" he asked as the two girls stepped onto their boat, preparing to leave. "Hey, Mr. Champ, we might still be in the championship." Macku reminded him. "We've won two of our games already. This time, he spoke seriously. "Be careful going home. Watch out for Tarakava." "We will; don't worry so much! I can handle myself!" She gave him a quick hug, then tossed her pack into the boat and leaped lightly on board. "That's why I worry!" he teased. "With you in charge, nobody's safe!" As he expected, she shook her head mockingly and cast off the rope. Moving their sail to catch the breeze, the two Ga-matoran slowly edged away from the sandy coast.She gets a few feet awayAnd suddenly we're both in slow motionLike we're alone in the deep blue ocean "I still don't get why she's your girlfriend." Hafu shrugged as the two began the trek back to their village. "She not as pretty as some of the other Ga-matoran, and she's always teasing you. You can't be romantic with a girl like that. She'll pour a bucket of dead fish on you right after you say something nice." Hewkii felt equally inclined to laugh and to slap his friend. He obeyed both impulses. "Then you don't understand what romantic is, dude."I know it's just a feelingBut it might as well be real becauseI think I might be fixin' to drownMy knees go weak andMy heart starts to pound "You're hopeless." Hafu grinned, avoiding the shove. "And you're just jealous." Hewkii returned. "When Makuta tells Mata Nui he's sorry, I am!" the Pakari-clad Po-matoran exclaimed. "You can have her." "Thanks. I will." This time, his push was not dodged.She takes my handI don't know what to sayShe understandsAnyway "Told you we'd make it to the game." Macku said proudly, tapping her kohlii staff against his. "And this year, Po-koro's going down." "Hey, making it to the championship doesn't mean you can beat me." he laughed. "I've already taught your lesson this year, remember?" Macku's face grew grave. "Can you keep a secret?" "Yeah." She whispered softly. "We... let... you... win." He grinned. "In your dreams, girl." Macku just shrugged. "You'll see. It's all part of Hahli's and my plan." Unexpectedly, she took his hand for a moment. "But seriously, I can't wait to see your face when we win."And here come those eyesCan she see what I'm thinking of?If this is what they call loveI can't believe I'm in itThanking Heaven every minuteI'm the luckiest boy in this townMy knees go weak andMy heart STOPS "We'll let the ball decide." He shook his head laughingly. "See you at the stadium." He turned to go and find his teammate for a last minute practice. "Hey, hotshot!" Macku called after him. He turned his head and waited for her parting remark. "I love you, Hewkii." Sheesh, Mata Nui, you had to say that here? Now? he thought, desperately trying to think of a response. She waited a moment, then took a few steps towards him. "Hey, aren't you supposed to say something back?" "Yeah... You make it look so easy, though." he laughed, covering his sudden nausea. Weird, I never thought nausea was a good thing. "It is." she replied saucily, hands on her hips. And she was right. "I love you too, Macku-girl."And I can't catch my breathI think I'd better sit down'Cause my knees go weak andMy heart starts to pound