Steelsheen

I really like these two lines. They show a very deep and interesting history, and they betray a good deal of wisdom and experience. On the part of the speakers and the writer. :sigh:The ending paragraph just made me cry. Not that it was especially sad (although it was that, to a degree), but it was so beautiful. It also leaves the readers in suspense, waiting for more.You've got an amazing piece of work here! Please, keep writing! You should be proud of yourself. Thank you, Tehurye! This story was just an idea that I couldn't banish. The Great Beings are talked about all the time, but we never actually see them (They're not Element Lords, btw; they are the bona fide Great Beings). So what are they doing all this time after making the world? Do they just sit back with a cup of lemonade and watch TV? Or, and this was my thought, do they take the part of wildlife documenter? They don't allow themselves to interfere; they just watch to see what happens. My historical experience is mainly second-hand, being quite young myself, but I've always been fascinated with psychology and anthropology. Hence, my Great Beings muse through the descent of any form of government (save a republic) into an oligarchy. Even the island of Mata-Nui was like that - six Turaga held the ultimate authority. Granted that they ruled well and wisely, but they were authority figures, nontheless. Yes, I couldn't resist throwing in that last little paragraph, even though I felt in some ways, it didn't belong with the style. But Shya just added that little spark of sad that I was looking for. So, again, thanks for reading, and may I compliment you on your own mode of writing?-HH

Equality Worlds have been broken, shattered, slainA million million scream in painThe stars in their courses wail and weepTo see the shadows drive the lightTo the abyss of endless nightTwo Guardians watch in sorrow deep - - - It began amid the wreck and ruin of another world. Bara Magna had crumbled; it's people ran scattered, divided, leaderless. The once lush planet had become a desert of grey dust. It was, even to Laramd's eyes, a sight of utter hopelessness; a monument to his latest catastrophe. "Again." said the being who walked at his side. "Again, we fail. We gave them everything, and it is not enough. This world falls like the last." Laramd sighed, jabbing his ebony curved spear into the sand. "Is it worth it, brother? Will they not always turn on us? Rahi, Matoran and Agori alike all seek to destroy the beauty that we give them. A perfect world may never be made." His companion stroked his golden chin in deep thought. "It may be so, brother." "It must be so," Laramd corrected, his usual joy replaced by deep gloom. "As long as our work is tainted by Exiver, the bright morning is always extinguished. All our work turned to despair and ruin." "That is so." the gold being answered. "And such being the case, how can we prevent Exiver's shadows?" Laramd's dark violet armor gleamed in the sun as he laughed. "Prevent Exiver? You would have better luck at passing yourself off as an Agori, my friend." "Ever have we striven to contain the power we give to the worlds we make." his companion mused, more to himself than to Laramd. "Fearing that the masses would slaughter each other and descend into chaos, we have reserved power to a few elite. Being made rulers of the world, charged with keeping the peace, have they not always turned their backs on us, and rejected our teaching?" "What are you suggesting, Orlathir?" Orlathir's gold torso swelled as he took a deep breath. "We will make a new world. A world where the power is not given to a few, but to all. Each being an equal of the other, none will have the right to set himself above others, or indeed have the ability to do this. A world of beings thus made equal may succeed where oligarchies of the past have failed." Laramd considered his brother's words carefully. As two of the three Great Beings, it behoved them to think long and hard before beginning another failure, like this planet. "And if this place where to be made, with all beings having equal power, should not they have judges to guard them from war?" Orlathir nodded slowly. "But the judges, they must be made without the power to harm the people. Else we shall see what we saw with Mata Nui and Makuta once more." The violet being pulled his spear out of the sand. "Then let us away from this dreadful place, brother, before Exiver learns of this plan." As the two glided swiftly upwards through the atmosphere, Laramd added, "What shall we call this new race that is to have such equality?" "Kilnii." Orlathir answered deliberately. "And their judges will be called Ara." - - - Equality's promises would not lastThe two would not learn from their darkened pastA new world of pain and grief would they makeA place wrung by war and ruled by greedWould never give help to those in needOf one land to heal the endless ache - - - "But you don't really believe that, do you, grandma?" asked a young Kilnii, staring into the fireplace as the age-old tale ended. "You don't think there's no hope." The tender old eyes watered. "No, of course not, Shya. There is always hope. We just can't look to the Ara or other Kilnii for it. We make our own hope, little one." Contented by her grandmother's lie, Shya leaned against the side of her chair and her eyes slowly closed.

Stave 26 The elevator hummed quietly, the changing lights the only indication of their rush downward. Faraway cries echoed in the deep tunnels, curses that had no meaning save to those who uttered them. Hewkii was, at least in his own opinion, the bravest Toa on Metru-Nui. Even so, he felt his stomach flip as he and Matoro entered the one place in the City of Legends that no one wanted to go - the Mendar-Kahllu, the Mad-House. Fortunately, it was also the only place in the city that needed no guards to keep people out. Specialized Vahki patrolled the dim hallways and passages, their only task to keep the prisoners safely inside. Rumor said the the machines were even capable of draining elemental energies, as that was the only way to keep the infected Toa from breaking out. "What about holo-cameras? Or tripwires?" Hewkii asked of his companion breaking the uneasy quiet. "What about Vahki?" Wisitara, revived and still angry, snapped. Matoro crossed his arms coolly. "I've told you - the Vahki down there and the ones monitoring this place have only been programmed to keep the diseased Toa trapped. They've never considered the chance that someone would want to get down here. We're as safe as if we were taking a chute to work in the morning." "Your expressions mean nothing to me, Metru-Nuan." Wisitara said. Or spat. Really, everything she said to either of them was with the attitude of spitting out poison. Hewkii ignored the old Onu-matoran. "Okay, so what if he's too far gone? Matoro, I've seen the Mendarii, and it's not pretty. They don't even know who they are anymore." The Toa of Ice shrugged. "They just found him this week. He can't deteriorate that fast. Besides, it varies from case to case how long they live. That's my point: we don't know enough about the Madness to say anything definitive about it. So we go to the source." "Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you when he's a jabbering imbecile." Hewkii shrugged. Wisitara muttered something about being stuck in an elevator with two jabbering imbeciles. Both Toa chose not to hear; they needed the old matoran to be willing to tell them something about Toa Jaller's condition. As the gears of the elevator ground to a halt and the door opened with a hiss, Hewkii held his axe in both hands, not trusting Matoro's gamble. He needn't have worried. A squad leader waiting at the bottom of the shaft gave them a visual scan, but neither of the Toa had any of the tell-tale signs of infection. As such, the machine defaulted to it's programming of treating Toa as higher authorities and gave a slight bow. Hewkii breathed a sigh of relief as Matoro led Wisitara and himself down the passage. Cells lined both walls, most not bigger than six bio wide - why waste space on the dying? Those Toa who were completely consumed by the disease did not even acknowledge their visitors, but some were still able to form sentences and pleaded or begged or howled to be let out. Wisitara stared at the fallen Toa, looking both horrified and disgusted. The Toa of Ice and Stone betrayed no emotion at the sight, however they may have felt. After a sickening few minutes of searching the dungeon - which was larger than either Toa expected it to be - they found the cell they sought. Jaller sat calmly on the floor, his eyes closed. He might have been asleep, except for the occasional angry twitch of his hands. Matoro did a quick scan with his Mask of X-Ray Vision and turned to Hewkii. "For a Fire Toa, he's freezing cold. His heat signature is almost the same as yours." Hewkii frowned. "That doesn't make any sense. Alkah burned up from the inside out. He should be boiling." "I am cold because I choose to be. I am so much more than a mere mask maker." answered a deep voice. Jaller opened his eyes to reveal pupils tinged with the sickly grey-green of the Madness. "I am... I was... the Great Spirit's right hand. I have control over powers most Toa never dream of, even like this." "Incredible." Matoro muttered, half-consciously. The Toa of Fire might have smiled for a moment. Or it could have been a trick of the light. "Metru-Nui has a way of forcing you to learn self-control, and no one learned it better than I did." "Clearly." Hewkii said flatly. He gestured to their surroundings. "That's how you ended up here." Jaller's eyes flashed an angry green, but quickly glazed over again. "My imprisonment was... not my fault." Matoro turned to Wisitara. "What do you see?" The old Onu-matoran shook her head. "This is what happens to you Toa?" "When we betray the Great Spirit, yes." the Ice Toa answered quietly. Wisitara looked around her slowly. "All of a sudden, I'm much less surprised that you obey his orders to destroy my home." "What did you mean, it wasn't your fault?" Hewkii demanded of Jaller. "It has to be your fault." The Toa of Fire shifted uneasily. "I did nothing wrong. It just... happened." He gestured at the other cells. "Look around. Most of these Toa were reported as being gone to war. They've been hidden here all the time. Someone has betrayed us." Matoro gave a his friend a glance of concern, then spoke to Jaller. "Who?" "I... I... don't know." Hewkii crossed his arms. "Oh, for crying out loud! Can't you see it? The Great One lied to us. He's not what you think!" Jaller's eyes flashed again and he made no attempt to control it. "Traitor! You should be the one in here, dying!" His words faded into the senseless screams of a lost mind. Wisitara turned to Matoro. "I think I've seen enough. And I can tell you that this disease is not found anywhere in my home." She glanced back at the cells. "Can we go now?" "Gladly." Hewkii muttered, turning back towards the elevator. "Wait!" Matoro half-turned as Jaller regained his sanity for a moment. The Fire Toa closed his eyes, breathing heavily. "I can... I will master it. Just listen to me." Hewkii shuddered and led Wisitara back to the elevator, ignoring the plea. But Matoro's curiosity overcame his horror. He knelt next to Jaller's cage. "What is it?" "There are Toa down here I knew... friends." He smiled bitterly. "As near friends as I had, anyway. None of them were traitors. Why are we down here? Why is this happening?" With the intensity of his question, his eyes flew open and were for a moment completely free of the sick green. Matoro felt pity stir in him for this shell of a once great leader and Toa. "I don't know. But I'm going to find out." Review

Granted! You dig a hole to China.I wish my work for the day was over.-HH

The second review for Into The Darkness has been posted. Thanks to Varkanax39 for a very thrilling read.-HH

ECC Review of chapters 7-15 Horrific, spellbinding and creative. These words kept recurring as I read your epic. Your pen is a vibrant screen through which I can almost see the story unfolding. Varkanax39, you have real talent, and Into the Darkness is proof. Since Velox has covered the grammatical issues that you have in the first six chapters, I'm choosing to focus on the storytelling. (although I do applaud you for no misspelled words that I could find) Your style is dramatic and bold... And a little hard to follow. You introduce a character by name, give us their physical description and then expect us to remember which one has orange and which has yellow armor five chapters later. With non-canon characters, it's pretty hard for a reader to remember something so detailed. Try using more "he said/she said" for dialogue and names for the action. Speaking of action, I have to compliment you on how well you choreograph your fight scenes. I myself have difficulty in writing battles, so I appreciate how much work you must put into it; I think I'm safe in saying that every single chapter has a fight. However, this can be (and in your case, I think it is) overdone. Remember that good action is like dessert: you can have a whole party with nothing but dessert, just not every night. Too much action makes a story hard to understand - we get lost in all the stabbing and cutting and by the end of it, we have no idea who did what to whom. I realize your story is based in action, but perhaps you could sprinkle some thought or narration in between to help the reader. Now we come to my favorite part: the characters themselves. You have a rather large cast, but each one is very clearly a multi-faceted personality. Shardak, as the main character, has most of the spotlight, and he has spent most of it being by turns afraid or vengeful. Blast is a long-suffering companion who very clearly has some great mystery about him. Silence is an old, worn hero who becomes our young Toa's patient mentor. Valkyria, I felt some pity for at first, but that died fairly soon. I'm still not sure who Kyhrex is, because she can use the Aura Field (not a Glatorian trait) but she doesn't seem to be a Toa. Is it possible that she is a penitent Ix herself? Which of course, brings us to what is perhaps the most central part of your story: the Force excuse me, the Aura Field. Introduced at quite an early stage, it is fully explained by Silence in a Qui-Gon-to-Obi-Wan moment. (Hmm, I keep making Star Wars references for some reason) This power or force of nature seems at times a little deus ex machina, but is in general an imaginative use of mental battles. I wonder just how far the powers of the Aura Field go; it seems very difficult to defend against. I think my most major criticism can be summed up in one sentence: your plot twists are too predictable. As soon as Nightshade was taken without a struggle, I knew she was a traitor. When Silence said they would be escaping the circle, I suspected it would be through some impassable labyrinth. And when Shardak is first introduced, it's obvious he's the Spirit Toa. Your subtlety could use some work. Try thinking of it as you are Sherlock Holmes and the audience is an average pair of eyes. Don't tell us what you see (via narration), just tell us what we notice. That will help you maintain the element of surprise. These quotes are not grammatical errors, exactly; they are examples of one recurring problem. You can't have despair sink into someone; the person should sink into despair. Enjoying every moment of it. Okay, that one was just grammar. The "but it was because" isn't necessary. Just say "because". You say that time lost all meaning, but then you follow that with a "sleepless night", which means Shadrak is aware that it is night, and therefore the passing of time. Little nit-picky of me, but I think you have the talent to word it better. Okay, if Silence is wearing a mask, then his face can't be a mask. I think you mean something along the lines of "wore an expression of urgency". I could go on with the quotes, but chapter seven was enough to make my point - in your quest for originality, you have made the narration wordy or complicated. Don't forget that in one's endeavors to be erudite, one may turn out to be incomprehensible if you try too hard to use inventive descriptions, the wording ends up just being confusing. You have a great story, and it doesn't need to hide behind fancy descriptions. In summation, this is a great story with fair execution. I look forward to seeing what you do next!-HHPS- I know Velox commented on the lack of explanation early in the epic, but I thought it was a good thing. That's how your plotlines should be revealed - little or no warning.

Stave 25 This is insane, Macku told herself again. Absolutely insane. Who in the name of all that's protodermis would make this guy in charge of researching the Mendarii? She sighed loudly, watching Kualus slowly read over the same passage he had been studying for over an hour. Great Spirit, or Mata Nui, or whoever you are, please speed up time and get this over with. The white Rahaga took no notice of her impatient gestures and sighs; he kept steadily staring at the text. His only movement was to shift his hand every so often. She wished she had not suggested her home as a safe place to study; maybe he would have taken less time if they were more exposed. Macku couldn't take it any more. "Oh, for crying out loud! Haven't you finished it yet?" Kualus looked up calmly. "Of course not." "It's not even a page long," The Toa of Water ground her teeth. "Can't you read any faster?" To her surprise, he chuckled and put the holo-chip down. "Oh, Toa. Don't you know there is a great difference between reading and understanding? I have read the report at least three dozen times now, but there are still things I do not understand." "It's a status report from the battle front on West Helikh, from three months ago." Macku had not enough patience left to even pretend to ignore this waste of time. "There can't possibly be anything left to understand! Look!" She stooped and picked up the chip, turned on the screen and read aloud: "'Most resistance has fallen; over two hundred of the enemy died in combat. Our losses are heavy; requesting immediate back-up of at least fifty Toa.'" She looked back at the Rahaga. "What's so difficult to understand about that?" Kualus stood and stretched his muscles. The three metal strips on his back snapped into a triangle formation and began whirling rapidly. The motion was strong enough to lift him into the air, like a personal helicopter. He hovered by Macku's shoulder, gazing at the text. "It's the next part that is difficult, young one. 'Request for full battalion denied; too few Toa to send. Twelve is all the city can spare.'" Macku stared in disbelief. "Really? That's the part you don't get?" "Exactly." Kualus nodded. "Nor do you understand it." The Toa seriously considered summoning all the cold water she could find and dumping it on Kualus' head. "Uh, it's pretty clear. We didn't have enough to send fifty, so we sent twelve instead." "Just so." the white Rahaga mused, almost more to himself than to her. "Why could only twelve be sent?" Macku hit her own forehead in her frustration. "Because we didn't have that many Toa! It says so, right there!" A thoughtful frown hung around his fanged mouth. "How many Toa live in the city?" "Ugh, maybe a hundred; hundred and fifty? Now can we please do some actual research?" "And three months ago? How many?" he persisted. Macku groaned, "Look, I don't know if you realize this, but my friends and I are kind of on a timer with this Mendarii thing, and we need to--" "You need to shut up and listen for once!" Kualus said sternly. "How many Toa were there in this city three months ago?" "I don't know! Probably somewhere between a hundred and a hundred and fifty!" Macku dug her fingers into her palms. She wouldn't be surprised if she found dents in her armor later. "Yet you couldn't spare fifty of those to help finish off Helikh?" he questioned. "Why not?" "How should I know?" she retorted. "Probably because too many of them were untrained." Kualus nodded slowly as he slowed his propellers and landed gently on the tile floor. "And why were there so many untrained Toa? Your kind should live for thousands of years, and do so, in other places. Why are there always new Toa here?" "Okay, I give up. Why?" Macku made a mental note to set up a therapy session later. Kualus took a deep breath. "Because Metru-Nui Toa are dying every day. It's the only answer. Experienced Toa are scarce in the city because, simply put, there aren't any. The Mendarii isn't just striking those who betray the Makuta; it's killing you all. You last a few decades at best, most of the time less. Then the Madness overtakes you and the Makuta chooses to call it treachery or hide the bodies." He stared grimly at the chip in her hand. "That one little 'request denied' is your death certificate." Macku felt her jaw go slack. Review

Zosia,First off, thanks for your nice, long review. You pointed out all the things I was looking for and needed another pair of eyes for. After a while of editing my own epic, I just need someone to say, "hey! Glaring error here!". From Stave 5, that last sentence reads kinda awkwardly outloud.Oooh, ouch. Yes, it does read awkwardly. *goes to fix it* From the middle of Stave 7. Well, I don't have a problem with "first hand", but my Microsoft Word program does, and after I googled it (hardcore reviewing!), I was informed that Merriam-Webster spells it as one word, apparently.Oops. I guess my Pages program didn't catch that. I think this was the one of the only actual typoes I found, "Put" to "out", I'm guessing.Yep, that's what I meant. Yikes! I guess I have to appologize to Kualus for spelling his name incorrectly all this time! Yes, yes it does make sense. I'll have to go through and fix all those. - Stave 3Does that refer to the fact that he doesn't know who the Toa of Air is, like at all, or that he just doesn't know the Toa's real name like he does the other Toa?It refers to the fact that Hewkii doesn't know the Toa's name. I think I can fix it to be more clear. -Stave 10Nothin' wrong with this here, I just really love the fact that you used Kanoka coding in your story. It show's you did your research, and it really takes me back to the good old days in the City of Legends. Its awesome. Oh, yeah. I loved Metru-Nui, and I try to do my research. Except with Rahaga names, apparently. -Stave 10Okay, I'm not sure where Hahli's grappling hook came from, and I'm also wondering how she has one, if the Matoran live under such a strict rule and all.I guess this is something I could've explained earlier, but I meant to leave it until a new twist in the story. Hahli has a lot of "illegal" equipment, because she is Toa Jaller's assistant. In addition to her protosteel switchblade and grappling hook, (which are built into her left and right arms, respectively) she also has a specialized disc launcher, a small holocomputer map of the city and a set of false district identification chips. She also has the training of a Toa without the powers of one, which is how she detects the water inside living things. I know my style isn't really canon, but I'm glad you like it anyway. I follow Second Chance and consider it an honor to remotely resemble Grant and Zo'Tomana. I'll have to check out The Best Kept Secrets; thanks for the head's up. How long? Um, I hadn't really settled it, but looking at the speed I've been going... Probably 20 more chapters, lol. I don't tend to do outlines beforehand, as they make me feel too confined, and I prefer to just let the story flow where it may. (not the best choice, but it works for me) I was a little worried I had too many subplots, but I'm glad you don't think so. Yep, this "Neo-Metru-Nui" is a pretty harsh place, so I had to give canon characters a make-over. Character development is one of the most important things to me, so I'm very happy you give 'em a good grade. And Hahli is my favorite Bio character, so I think I subconsciously make her important, lol.Zosia, it's been an honor. Thanks for everything.-HH

Zosia, You always manage to surprise me with the depth and scope of your creations. One thing no one can accuse you of is two-dimensional characters! Evior, in particular, has an aura something like a trained psychopath... of which he is aware, therefore making him not a psychopath. Ok, so call him a highly functioning sociopath with security issues. And a penchant for nicknaming girls. Whatever. Inéha clearly has some issues with her Toa powers - which is actually the reason I like her. You have managed to make what I always considered a deus ex machina element not only acceptable but interesting. As a lone personality, she has not had that much showtime, but what we have seen is not exactly a "nice girl". She strikes me as the sort of person who would get a tattoo just because it was against regulations. Not an original type of character, but one that provides a lot of room for growth. Scuro and Kalott have simply not had enough "time off" (that is, time not spent playing a Toa) for us to have a good grasp of their characters or even to guess who and what they are. I like a little mystery in my stories, and you never write too much until absolutely neccessary. Less is more, for these two. The general tone of your epic is pretty dark, right up until we see Evior confronted by the conflicting worldviews of Gorast and Inéha. at that point, it switches for a moment to philosophical. "What are the basic motivations of the universe?" you make us wonder. "What is the actual meaning of light and dark?" My favorite moment in what has otherwise been an action story.All in all, you have a very solid start to what will no doubt become a great story. I do have one criticism, though: even if Ducha lived in the Toa fortress prior to her death, Toa who just drop off the map are suspicious (think Nidhiki here). And judging by the high-security measures of the Toa, they should have screened her a little more before letting her and her unknown companion loose. It's like the FBI welcoming back an agent who disappeared for years... And letting him bring his new friend back to work. Just a thought.-HH

Granted, but the AOAN (Association of American Ninja) presses you to join their guild, and you refuse, forcing them to retaliate by mocking you with a smear campaign in which you are portrayed as a little girl in a tutu. The world then believes you are not a real ninja.I wish I had a magic pen that would write words the whole world would love.-HH

I realize this is pretty long, and to whomever is assigned this, I am sorry for you. :P1. Life is a Blank2. Review Topic3. Number of chapters - 24In particular, I'd like to know how the flow of the story works, since I seem to have trouble with that.-HH

Stave 24 "Welcome home, brother." Matoro turned to see the familiar face of Hewkii grinning at him from the dock. "See anything interesting?" Hewkii asked casually as the white Toa disembarked. Matoro shook his head, reaching for a large metal case. "I got there too late to do anything but catalogue." He paused, then added, "The Great One announced that he plans to stay on Teran-Nua for ten days. Jaller will be head of the city for that time." "You mean you haven't heard?" Hewkii asked, as the two walked away from the Ga-metru docks. "Yesterday, Toa Erga found Jaller in his house, raging like a bitten Tolakiki Rhino. He's got the Madness." Matoro's face remained blank, in common Ko-metru style. "So he betrayed the Great Spirit?" Hewkii nodded. "He must have." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "I can't help thinking how long we'll have before... You know." Matoro blinked, stopping at a quiet street corner to face his friend. "Let's ask him." "You just lost me." Hewkii said. "Let's ask Jaller. He ought to know." the Toa of Ice explained. Hewkii crossed his arms. "You realize he's imprisoned in a padded cell, right? Scheduled to be executed in the worst possible way? A foaming, ravaging madman... You just wanna walk up and ask?" "If he tells, no one will believe him." Matoro shrugged. "Besides, I have a friend who might be able to help us identify what causes the Mendarii." He softly tapped the large case he carried. Hewkii's eyes widened ever so slightly. "Is that from Teran-Nua?" Matoro smiled. "You mean is she from Teran-Nua." * * * "You can't be serious." Gyet stared in disbelief at the young Ga-matoran. "Tell me you're not serious." "Of course I'm serious!" Hahli replied sharply. "If you help me cure Toa Jaller, I'll get him to support you and the Rahaga." Gyet shook his head. "Do you even hear what you're saying? Toa Jaller is the Great - the Makuta's right hand! He'd betray us in a heartflash!" "Toa Jaller understands honor and repaying debts. Besides, if the Makuta is the reason he's sick, why should he be loyal to him?" Hahli said angrily. "What makes you think you can promise Toa Jaller's loyalty?" Gyet returned. Hahli bit her lip. Really, why do I think he'll help? Because I want to believe he'd repay me? Because I think he's smart enough to see Makuta's lies now? She shook her head. Neither of those were right. "Because I know him." she told Gyet aloud. "He practically raised me." The old matoran sighed. "Not good enough. Even if I were calling the shots, I wouldn't waste lives on your hunch." Hahli studied his face for a long moment. "Fine. I'll do it myself." She turned and headed for the main street. Gyet hesitated, then reluctantly called, "Wait." She turned to face him. "There is someone who might be able to help you. But he's... different. You'd need to show him respect, understand?" Gyet said. She nodded. I'm going to regret this, he thought ruefully. "If you swim out to the Great Barrier on the west side, there's a cliff that looks like a half-moon. Swim down until you find a large sea cave that glows. The... person who lives there might help you." "A friend of yours?" Hahli asked. "Not exactly." She put a hand on her hip. "How come you're telling me?" Gyet considered it for a moment. "I guess I feel sorry for you." "Thanks," Hahli snapped, "but I don't need your pity." She turned and walked angrily into the street. The Ta-matoran shook his head sorrowfully.Review

Hey, guys! Just wanted to say, I'm keeping up with the recent chapters and the development of Tomana's and Excavate's characters. Really liked that flashback of Tomana's team - it showed a lot of what motivates him. Two things I noticed in the last chapter: I think you mean "depleting". "Malicious behavior". Great job, and keep it up, guys!-HH

Fire, highly recommended, has been reviewed! Thanks, fishers64!-HHPS- my thanks to Cederak for not making that pun.

ECC Review: Fishers64, I must admit that I have never been a fan of the Glatorian. I didn't even watch the fourth movie. So the fact that you have woven a tale about Bara Magna that I really enjoyed is much more impressive than it normally is. Ackar is a well-developed, well-explained, feeling, thinking character. As a reader, I felt his pain, his strange connection with fire, his thirst for revenge and later, his guilt. Well done!I was very pleased to see that your spelling and grammar were in general very good, but I was blown away by your vocabulary! I love it when people use the "forgotten" words of the English language, and you have a bevy of them sprinkled throughout the story: ravished, raucous, aflame, stupor, liquefying, curtailed, seine, garish, sidled, claptrap, quipped, and foretaste, to name a few. You did, however, make a few mistakes here and there. (oh, and watch for missing commas and periods, especially at the end of dialogue) Corrected-"That guy! Some Great Being dipped him in a pit of power and now he's our 'Great Leader'. He gets us into a war over some silvery magic stuff that's supposed to make us the 'envy of the Great Beings'. Don't find me a leader; find me an escape route."You've got three "now"s right next to each other, two of which are in the same sentence relating to the same participle. Also, present tense works better for the last half of Ackar's paragraph. Corrected-... the eager voices of Agori, talking of heroic deeds of Legend and saying, "Yes, this will be even greater."You might want to make clear exactly what will be greater this time. To carouse means to drink alcohol deeply and frequently. I'm pretty sure you meant to put some other word here. Perhaps "chorused"? Corrected-There were a good many chuckles at that. "They always tell us the big battle is tomorrow," said one of the smaller Agori. Corrected-Their dread and expectation would make a story of its own, far greater then any of his and Rappert's old tricks. "Palette" is a word, but it means the board an artist uses to hold paints. I think, judging by this and the other time you use this word, you meant "pallet", which is another word for cot or mattress. I think the action of charging is Rappert's, but it should be clarified; the pronouns are hard to follow. Corrected-Fire Agori and Glatorian in various stages of getting dressed used anything they could reach... Rule of thumb: never, ever use a parenthetical in narration. You, as the narrator, should not have to amend or add to your thoughts - it should be already planned out. "Raucous laughter" really isn't complete because it's only an action. A sentence needs both a subject (noun) and an action (verb). Corrected-The water pail banged against the tub as Ackar dragged himself away. The first two sentences should be combined into one. Corrected-The Glatorian looked down at the ashes of the broken Tesaran, knowing there were many battles yet to come… Corrected-An Agori extended his head behind the door. “There’s a fire brewing in the northern side of camp. Raanu says that the Glatorian who started it has gone crazy.”You have the culture and climate that the Agori and Glatorian live in very well laid out in your head, and it shows in how you crafted this epic. The similes you use in both narration and in dialogue are often original and descriptive. I liked that you took the time to add a bit of ironic humor to what might be otherwise a fairly dark story. Just as a tip, you might want to put a link to the review topic in the epic topic; it makes it easier for people to give you feedback. And then pray that none of them will be as long-winded as I was! ;)Above all, I liked that you gave the story a resolution which was not necessarily a "happily-ever-after ending". Ackar still carries his scars, and has to learn to live on; to find a new purpose to fight for. He still has some issues with the Toa, and even with his own people. But we, the readers, are confident that he will summit that challenge, too. Can I say again, well done!-HH

UPDATE: Since you requested that chapter three also be reviewed, my notes are as follows:The story keeps a nice progression though this latest chapter; we see a good deal of character development in Kopaka and Tahu, especially. However, the same difficulty arises with paragraphs being cut too short, and not enough description or narration. Though well-spelled and using a good array of words, this style works much better as a script than a narrative.One more thing; just as a personal aside, the Toa seem to be a little more violent and deadly than I'm used to picturing them. I think you may be overdoing the fighting aspect just a little bit. After all, one of the main differences between the Toa and Makuta is the Toa's respect for and protection of life. Just something to think about. Ultimately, if you want to portray a darker side of our heroes, then stick with your vision.-HH