Janus

It's adorable. -Janus

Honestly, even though I love this entry, I think that's more that I just love the overall stylistic choices--vs. it screaming "Tahu!" to me.While I do adore the overall style (it greatly reminds me of Schizo Kaita's old stuff) it doesn't evoke Tahu as much as I would like. The sword and even some of the mask seem almost more reminiscent of Kopaka, actually. I think something even as simple as a flame pattern on the sword, or removing some of the more elaborate pieces of the lower jaw on the Hau--those make it look more the Akaku for whatever reason.Either way I love it, and I'd love to see all the Toa done this way. Thanks for entering.-Janus

Chapter TenJebraz quickly glanced at the shattered window where the Matoran once stood, allowing himself to say a quick prayer for the young one, before turning back to face the shadows that now encroached on the air all around him. To his surprise the figure raised no weapon against him, merely standing there cloaked in shadow.“Foolish,” came the figure’s voice. “To think you could stand against us—we are not one, Jebraz. We are many,” the voice hissed—and suddenly Jebraz felt his legs slowing, his limbs stiffening. Frozen halfway through attack, even his eyes were glued to the spot they had been locked on before: The towering pillar of shadow that seemed to grow larger with every passing moment.“The storm is breaking, Jebraz,” the figure said, taking slow strides toward the now immobile warrior. “I warned you of its arrival, I gave you the chance to flee its wrath—and yet still you stood against it.”As the figure stepped closer, Jebraz felt terror rising in him; terror that he had never felt before. Like a sickness it spread from the pit of his stomach until his entire body would have been shivering like a leaf—were it able to. But again the figure spoke.“Now you stand, a lone leaf in the winds of change.” The figure stopped directly in front of the invisible warrior, pausing a moment—and to Jebraz’s shock the shadows seemed to warp and writhe around the figure. Then gradually they began to ebb, revealing that the figure was not as tall as it seemed, in fact it was…“A Matoran…?” Jebraz croaked out, having regained control of his speech.The figure just smiled, its eyes dull and glassy beneath the infected mask it wore. Then in a deft moment it grasped Jebraz’s head between its hands.“Fall.”***Deep within Karda Nui another pillar of shadow stood where Botar once had, pausing as if to sniff the air. Seeming satisfied it knelt down to where the winged warrior had been struck, long fingers gently caressing the rent in the warriors armor. Around it the shadows swirled, cloaking whatever it had once been from the world, and filtering the occupants vision.It saw only what the shadows desired it to see, it acted only as the shadows commanded, it served only to bring the storm.The shadows began to whisper, writhing in a frenzied pace all around it. The storm was to come now, the pieces must be put into play.The being placed its slender fingers on the fallen warriors face, feeling the shadows flow through it. Then in a soft voice it spoke.“Rise.”

I think you've got some very interesting story potential here, the whole concept of the unbreakable guardian being a really cool idea that makes sense within the BIONICLE mythos. Even the titular Forbidden Library has a lot of potential.However I feel that the story itself is actually rather rushed, you blow through the creation of the Keeper and his purpose, and then barely introduce Toa Ragna before having her killed--I didn't feel anything at her death, which is something that I don't think you'd like.To me, the death of any character is important and should be felt by the readers--however I didn't feel anything from the death of Toa Ragna. I think this could easily be fixed by expanding on her story a little and extending her interactions with the Keeper, and even with the Order.Overall it has some really cool potential, however structurally it has some flaws that I think really bring it down.-Janus

She speaks the truth. I am these things, and also doing these things. But now I think I'm gonna watch Futurama. -Janus

How can it be wrong when it feels so right? -Janus

Your dad doesn't even make me sandwiches -Janus

I think my nerd is too strong, I initially guessed Red Tornado. Then I was like "Wait, he's talking about Marvel characters too, and popular ones. It's probably Iron Man" Wow, me. -Janus

Chapter Five: OnwardWe rode the waves for hours, keeping conversation to a minimum, the only subject being slight changes in direction or whether or not we should stop and rest. The trip was uneventful and soon I found myself slipping off to sleep, relaxing as the lulling sounds of the thrumming engine and the crashing waves met my ears.It was a brief sleep, too brief. Again came the same dreams: Tormenting visions of my city burning, of my allies trying and failing to fight off an inescapable evil—and the source of that evil being me. I awoke with a slight shudder, somehow growing used to this litany of nightmares that seemed to assault me every time I slept. Luckily for me I had far more important things to concern myself with. Off in the murky darkness many spires full of lights jutted out from the darkness, and in the midst of all of them a single pillar drove upwards into the heavens, covered by twinkling lights. We had reached Gaho-Nui, the city of trade.Though still some distance away, Bomonga and I lightly touched fists, a sign of victory amongst Toa. We left unsaid anything else. As our tiny vessel sped through the waves we focused only on reaching Gaho-Nui…and making it in time.But as we came closer we discovered it was not to be. Many of the twinkling lights of the central pillars could be seen to be fires, blazing in the dark. Worse still, screams and the clashing of swords could be heard from all across the island. Now and then a blast of light and elemental energy would punctuate the night air with a flash. Several small explosions ripped across the island and as we slowed the throttle of the ship we saw that vast darkness hovering in the air above. Its enormous bulk crouched over the island like some sort of twisted cloud. Bomonga and I exchanged a glance, each readying our elemental powers and our weapons. I quickly turned to see if Wanderer was still asleep and was thankful to see he was. Then we dialed the throttle up slightly, speeding through the water now lit by flames.Almost silently we docked the boat in a small bay on the outskirts of the city, making sure It was tucked away somewhere the invaders wouldn’t see. Then Bomonga and I leapt from the small vessel, launching ourselves into the air with one quick motion.Landing on the smooth hard stone of Gaho-Nui’s outer barrier wall we could see the devastation that had been wrought. Like Koto-Nui, and Tapa-Nui before it, an immense heat had swept over the city causing many fires to break out, and turning stones to mush.I saw a flash of something, a skull faced creature with brutal spines running along its back. It screamed at us and then lifted a bladed staff, launching a crackling blast of electricity toward us.Unthinking I raised Kyr’s shield, feeling the singing heat sting my mask and eyes, then I raised my spear and launched a blast of heat at the thing, fusing it’s feet to the stone below. It screamed in rage, its eyes flashing. Then it raised its staff again.I had intended to deflect the attack again, had intended to get closer to the strange creature, but without warning I was lifted from my feet by a terrible gale force wind. I tried to resist but the wind tore at me, sending me hurtling through the air and into a nearby wall.Another of the creatures had appeared to support the original, its blue and grey carapace gleaming in the light of the burning city. Regaining my footing I stood, raising my spear and letting loose with a stream of blazing fire.The creature seemed to laugh at me, its slit eyes glaring balefully, then it raised its own staff and launched another tunnel of wind—intercepting my fire and sending it scattering all around the city.I cursed, seeing that the original creature had managed to free itself as well and was charging up it’s staff for a another attack. With a shout I ran towards it holding my shield high and delivered a crushing blow to the thing’s skull. It crumpled.I whirled around to see if the cyclone creature had attacked again, and instead saw Bomonga materialize above the thing, his staff around the creature’s head. It thrashed wildly but did not fall. Bomonga let go with his staff, launching himself from the thing’s armored back and summoning a pit of earth to envelop the creature. Finally it was silent.“They’re not alive.” Bomonga said grimly. “It wasn’t breathing, that’s why my attack did nothing.” I nodded, turning to inspect the creature I had knocked out—and was surprised to see the back snap open with a hiss. A small wormlike creature was doing its best to escape from the armor. I didn’t think, instead blasting incinerating heat at the revolting thing. Whatever they were, they were our enemies.Together Bomonga and I turned to see the city in flames, the sounds of battle dying down now. We both knew the city had already fallen…that there was nothing to be gained from staying. But stay we did, walking shell-shocked through the winding corridors of water and stone. Encountering more and more of the skull faced creatures.When we finally reached the inner citadel of the island, we were exhausted, our armor and weapons being covered with many dents, rents, and scratches. However all that was forgotten the second we entered. Inside was a score of the skull faced things, each of them fighting a single Toa who, like a flash, sped around them with her brilliant blue Kakama.Bomonga and I didn’t hesitate, unconsciously nodding to each other, we both dove into the fray, each of us using just enough elemental energy to coat our weapons. With my flaming spear I hacked and struck at the creatures, constantly moving in a deadly dance, my shield deflecting energy, claws, and brutal blows.Finally the lightning fast Toa was stopped, one of the creatures entwining her legs with what seemed to be vines of ivy. With the last of my elemental ability I fired a brilliant spear of fire towards the vine, scorching it and causing it to wither and die. The Toa glanced at me, thanking me with her eyes. Then in a strong voice she called out“Hang on, Brothers!” and the next thing I knew the entire room was filled with water, picking up the creatures and washing them out into the many canals in the city. I held my breath as the water submerged me, its strong current batting my armored form around as if it were nothing more than a toy.Amidst the maelstrom that swirled around in the once dry chamber I caught sight of the Toa of water, and my ally Bomonga. The new Toa was lithe, her small form making smooth movements through the heavy water that pressed down on Bomonga and I—clearly she was at home here beneath the waves.Still the current dragged us on onwards, the new Toa effortlessly leading the way, stopping only occasionally for a backward glance, as if to say “hurry up” It was then that I realized that the path we had taken was different from the one the spined creatures had. While they had been forced outward into the city we seemed to be plunging deeper and deeper into it.Or rather, going farther and farther under it.==============================================================================Reviews are possibly contained herein

Florence is all kinds of incredible. I am somewhat mega-jealous of you. PLEASE TO BE ENJOY. -Janus

Deevs is pretty much one of the greatest human beings out there. Love you dude. -Janus

Dude, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. -Janus

I got Shadowgrounds, whatever that is. Cool. -Janus

Already got it from the Indie Bundle, along with Bastion, Limbo, Super Meat Boy--and some other things I think? I dunno, my brain exploded after all that awesome. -Janus

Nope, I just couldn't pass up the chance to buy them for only $9.99 each. Considering the cheapest I've found them elsewhere is for $14.99. -Janus

Chapter Six “Helryx, we’ve been compromised” these words echoed around the Toa’s mind long after their bearer had left. Compromised? The mission had barely started, they had yet to start the mass exodus and already they were somehow compromised?Were it not for the fact that the entire operation had been meticulously planned by not only her, but Mata-Nui himself—she may have doubted her ability for a moment. Instead with a newfound fire she found herself stalking the passageways in of her fortress, making her way back to the library.The hallways were more crowded now, order members going about their tasks with quiet skill and confidence—yet a new unease had made its way through the fortress’ buttressed walls. Though she knew Botar hadn’t allowed the rumors to spread, somehow a creeping fear had yet managed to manifest in the minds of her soldiers.Growing angrier by the second the ancient Toa burst into the library, shocking two order members who were attempting to study the mysterious sigil.“Toa Helryx!” One of them gasped, visibly taken off guard. “We were just….” He trailed into silence after staring at her, or more particularly at the fire that was evident in her eyes. Where once was a quiet calm, there was now a burning inferno in the eyes of the Toa.Helryx’s eyes shifted from the two order members to the symbol, and back again. Then, in one quick fluid motion she pointed her finger at the lead researcher.“You.” She stated flatly “What have you found out?”The scientist faltered, his focus unclear in the face of such an imposing presence.“N…nothing more than we had before…” he murmured quietly.“Move” came the simple and harsh command, and the Toa found herself moving towards the charred stone. Though she had been reluctant up until now, she realized that it was finally time to do what must be done.Activating her mask power, the leader of the Order of Mata-Nui grabbed the black stone in both hands, and saw into the darkness.***Johmak sat uneasily inside the new safehouse. While normally she would have relished the silence of being alone, she now found herself longing for one of Jebraz’s quips.“How quickly things change when you’re being hunted” she murmured quietly to herself, staring vacantly at the wall.A sickness had roiled in her belly since Jebraz had told her of the voice, and even now when she had dispatched Botar to pass along the news, she found she simply could not purge herself of the creeping fear that seemed to be growing steadily by the second. She knew she should be inspecting the safe house and ensuring all of the proper preparations were in place before they left, but somehow she found she simply…couldn’t.She attempted to stand and found even that impossible—and instantly recognized something was wrong. Eyes narrowed she carefully looked around the dull room she was in, and yet found nothing…nothing but shadows from the dimly lit lightstones that decorated the walls.It was from one of these shadows—or perhaps all of them, that the voice spoke to her.“You are wise, watchful, deadly.” It spoke in a voice as smooth as polished stone.“You serve your cause with an unthinking devotion,” it continued in a quiet tone.Johmak, simply said nothing in response, instead staring grimly into the darkness that surrounded her.“You are a warrior above all, trained in many disciplines, a superb specimen of physical prowess,” the voice spoke again, seeming to grant Johmak a chance to respond. Finally she did.“Why?” she grated out, eyes still narrowed. The voice said nothing.“Why are you telling me any of this?” she tried again, growling.“Because,” the voice seemed barely above a hush now “All your power will not save you from the one whom I serve.”

Cripes, and I felt bad about getting Portal 2 and Mass Effect 1 & 2. I bow to you and your Steam Sale might. -Janus

Bruce Coville is all kinds of cool. He was my idol growing up. You're lucky as heck. -Janus

BASTION IS AMAZING I AM SO GLAD YOU ALL THINK SO. I ADORE YOU LOGAN CUNNINGHAM. -Janus

Sonic Generations for PC or PS3 or Wii or whatever. It's pretty awesome if you're a sonic fan. -Janus

I'm still the prettiest library princess. Don't you dare try and take that from me. -Janus

Hey Ballom, thanks a bunch for reading and letting me know your thoughts, it's always appreciated--especially from a fellow writer!I think the main reason for a lack of response isA: I'm not the popular force I once was around here, and this is the first piece of writing on NuBZP that I have.B: These chapters are fairly long and a bit dense--which is because this is when I was starting the project and had a lot of groundwork to layI'm glad you liked my portrayal of Norik, as he honestly has become one of my favourite characters to write. He's a fun one, who has unfortunately gone through too much. I feel bad for him :(I won't spoil anything about the visions, but I can say that Norik most definitely did not cause the devastation at Koto-Nui, as you'll find out in Chapter three.Thanks so much for the praise, I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts--be they good or bad XP-Janus

HI BRYAN I AM ALSO LOVE YOU.Also haha I think that's pretty funny, because some of my test readers were like "Ugh this is so obviously Nidhiki, stop making it obviously Nidhiki" but I was like "I DON'T KNOW HOW" apparently it worked, though!A fall man? I wouldn't exactly say that, Lhikan opposed his plan to last--Nidhiki just decided to do things on his own terms and went off with a half-cocked plan...and it sure did not work out for him. I'm glad you felt the tragedy, though. While Ive never liked Nidhiki very much, I felt that he deserved more than he got in the canon, and this was my attempt to rectify that.Regarding your issues: Well, we talked somewhat lengthily about those. Suffice to say I still loathe Rhotuka spinners, especially as a dues ex machina to make Nidhiki be all rawr and stuff. With The Shadowed One, I think that mostly comes from my canon TSO being different from the established one that you love so much. As we discussed, TSO did what he felt was necessary in this, not something he particularly enjoyed. Greg canon TSO on the other hand would have been giggling like a schoolgirl at the thought of that torture. Different strokes and all, I can easily see how a TSO lover like yourself would be hard pressed to enjoy this somewhat lacking rendition of him. I will strive in the future to create more high quality TSO tales X3-Janus

Hey guys, thanks both of you (and the other 58 people who took a look at this topic) for reading and giving me some feedback, its always appreciated--especially because I just do not do comedy. Blergh Y'know, I tend to agree. That sounds like something that would go viral on the net within' seconds of being uploaded--however for a principle that would have to be a PR nightmare. Especially because she'd have to seem serious while trying not to crack up laughing.The total estimate thing was just something I thought of when I was writing, I was like "Huh, I bet you he'd keep track of the injuries so he could let the principle know just how horrible it was" and from there on it just exploded. Anyone who's ever stepped on a sharp BIONICLE piece (Onua Claw, Gali Hook, Rahkshi spine, Bohrok foot) can tell you exactly how dangerous BIONICLE is. Or at least how much it hurts.However that is kind of the point, while I understand that it almost seems like it's better to have the drama teacher telling the principle in person (in fact that idea was something that came up in test reads) unfortunately it was too late to make the necessary changes and still enter the contest. Oh well, C'est la vie.But all the same, imagine trying to type all that out, imagine trying to be formal and disciplined and respectful while typing out pretty much the worst ever experience--after that much it's very possible for you to burn out. I think that's what happened to my poor drama teacher, he just burned out and decided to chance the consequences--it's not like she could fire him!Thanks for the luck, second place isn't half bad!-Janus

Portal 2 for $5? Why yes, yes please do take my money. Thank you. -Janus