The Escape Artist

Its been so long. I got it to support the site. Its a shame so much from back then is gone.

1/5. Definitely came after I stopped frequently visiting and participating in discussions on the forums.

Oh man. One of Rahkshi(spelling? It has been 16-17 years).

BZP will never truly be dead as long as those of us return for the nostalgia trip. I spent alot of time on these forums from 2001 to 2008. I always come back from time time.

So, to those of you who do check in on me from time to time, just letting you guys know that I will be awake for a week or two, hopefully no longer, while I get my internet set up into the apartment I am moving into. Time to go into this world to support myself. It will be fun, rooming with 2 good friends of mine. It will be a tough, but exciting experience. I shall post an entry upon my turn, but until then, see ya guys later.

There has been so many changes in my life, myself changing, finally now knowing what to do with myself and finding my self motivation and purpose. Where to begin and start this entry, I do not even know, so I am just going to roll with it as I write this entry. First off, myself. I've changed significantly since Becca's death. But not in a bad way, in a way that is so astonishing that I can't even describe it. After I've came to terms with what happened, I didn't become moody, or cold hearted, or even depressed. It was hard to get over but by no means did it effect me in a negative way. Instead, I found myself becoming more spiritual, more at peace than ever, I don't know why or how I came to be like that, I just did. I didn't let one devastating thing in my life ruin me, instead, I embraced it and took it as a lesson. Now I am supporting others in dire need whenever something in their life goes wrong, to help show that there are people, like myself, who are good, and not corrupted by greed or desire. Life isn't about your own personal self, its about what you do to help make this world a better place. A good place. Its not easy, seeing that there is so much wrong in this world we live in, but there is always hope for good, and maybe one day, people will start realizing that its not just about yourself, its about everyone around you in your life and what you can do to make your mark. Secondly, whats been going on with me. What more can I say other than first off, I am still working. But I just view it as a time killing job until I get my opportunity to do the next great thing in life. I am not sure when that moment will come, but it will soon. Until then though, I will just do what I've been doing. Help others, expect nothing in return. Now for my love life, well, it had a rocky start. So many different things going on with it that I can't even begin explaining it. But now I am doing good with it, although I never expected or ever saw it happening that I would be dating my friend Miranda, whom I've been good friends with for 4 years. Its smooth, things moving slowly, but very good. I am happy. No reason to complain about anything with that. As far as anything else goes, nothing else real interesting has happened in my life. Amazing how in 3 months, nothing happens. But then again, I avoid drama like the plague. No point in it, people just get hurt and its a waste of time in which people should be striving to do something better with themselves rather than cutting down people for their own enjoyment. Although, I am quite the concert goer now these days, and I do have a good metal show span that is coming up next month starting on the 29th. I am not just going to these concerts for my own enjoyment though, as fun as they are, I am going to learn, what it takes to put on a good show, to see my favorite bands bring the crowds to life. Its a learning experience because that is something I strongly hope to be one day. I will continue working for it, and not give up. I haven't given up on anything, even if I've had my back up against the wall, I always continue fighting for myself and others. With all that said, I am glad to have finally found the time to get around to posting a new blog entry, it has been a very long time, and it'll be nice to hear from those who do read this blog. Catch up a bit on things, y'know? Just leave a comment or PM, I'll get back to it. See ya until next time. ~A Flawed Perfection/Mike~

To those who keep up with my blog, I just want to let you all know that I am sorry for the decrease in activity. Reality has a grip on me quite tightly. I will try to update as often as possible. Thanks for the patience. ~Michael R.H. A Flawed Perfection~

Win. Nothing better than shutting up the gloaters.

Was a-freakin'-mazing. Disappointed that most bands had to have short sets, Killswitch included, due to Disturbed's almost 2 hour setlist, but the show was great. I got to meet KSE, have a picture taken with them and got my KSE shirt autographed by all members of the band, they are quite funny. My neck hurts, I am exhausted, and my body is sore from moshing. Loads of fun. KSE Setlist A Bid Farewell Fixation on The Darkness New Song Rose of Sharyn The Arms of Sorrow My Curse My Last Serenade The End of Heartache Holy Diver Disturbed Setlist Voices Liberate Just Stop Prayer Meaning of Life Land of Confusion The Night Remember Medley (Two songs mixed, can't remember which) Stupify The Game Inside The Fire Stricken 10,000 Fists ---------- Indestructible Drum Solo Down With The Sickness

I have to spend 1300 dollars to get my car fixed. Ouch. >_< Thats all the money I have. I will have spent over 2000 dollars on my car in worth of maintenance in the past month and a half. I got bad luck sometimes.

On Tuesday, March 31st, I will be gone to the Music As A Weapon Tour in Dallas, Texas, to see Disturbed, Killswitch Engage, Chimaira, Lacuna Coil, Suicide Silence, Spineshank, Crooked X, and Bury Your Dead. Anyone else goin' to this show? Please state so, perhaps I will see you there.

Girls just happen to have the effect on us males, its soothing, you can't help but relax and just let out what you're thinking and feeling on the inside. Nice to finally get an update on your life, and I am sorry you had to get pulled out of the play like that, I know how passionate you are about Theater. But there is always another opportunity to be had, just don't let it go to waste. And best of all, you have made a full recovery. And as for your school incident, bleh, all officials of some kind of position tend to think the worst and try to bring someone down, just the way it is. So much wrong with this world that it makes me sick. ~Da Mista Mike~

Well, you know that saying that your past comes back to haunt you? Well, a big part of my past has come back, but I can't call it a haunting, just maybe a blessing in disguise. Anyone who has followed this blog knows Christina. Anyways, she has re-entered my life, wanting to be part of it again. The truth came out as to why she broke up with me, why she came back, which all makes sense as to why she has come back to me. She still loves me, she never stopped, and why she broke up with me is that she got scared, she was overwhelmed by what she felt for me, something she never felt before, so she got scared and broke up with me, only to regret that decision. So in the time span of her dating a couple of guys, and me eventually dating Becca, whom she grew to be jealous of. Now, being that despite Christina being out of my life for 6 months, I couldn't just turn my back to her, being that prior to this, she had always been there to have my back, the one person I could count on as she was both my best friend and girlfriend. So I listened, forgave her, and we discussed the possibility of being back together. While nothing major has happened, I am happy enough to say that love still does exist for me. And I am hoping this time, it turns out for the best.

Yes, I am still alive. Life has had a grip on my time. Updates coming soon.

Its been 8 days since I lost her. Eight long and lonely days. But I know the longer I keep thinking about it, the harder it will be for me to let go. The sooner I let go, the better it will be for me in the long time. By no means is this easy, but I have always been the type of person to just keep fighting onward, can't slow down. Because I know that my life must go on, and that I have to savor every moment I have. Life is short. What we do with our life leaves a much longer lasting impression. I miss you and love you Becca. I wish you were by my side while I live my life, but I know you are with me in spirit and will be watching over me. See you again one day..but not yet, not yet.

*cries* Its too much to take...for once I just want to give up. Its too much pain for me to handle...

I dedicate this one to you Becca...I miss you. I wish you could come back...my heart always will be yours... My Curse by Killswitch Engage I watched you walk away Hopeless, with nothing to say I strain my eyes Hoping to see you again This is my curse (the longing) This is my curse (time) This is my curse (the yearning) This is my curse There is love burning to find you Will you wait for me? Will you be there? Your silence haunts me But I still hunger for you This is my curse (the wanting) This is my curse (time) This is my curse (the needing) This is my curse There is love burning to find you Will you wait for me? And still I want And still I ache But still I wait To see you again Dying, inside, these walls Dying, inside, these walls And I see your face in these tears In these tears And I see your face... There is love There is love There is love There is love There is love There is love There is love There is love

February 13th, 2009 will always hold its place with me. Not because its a happy day, but because its a day of sorrow. Life for me is a journey of hardship and challenges, but I have been given the ultimate challenge, the ultimate hardship. On this day, I lost the one person who meant everything to me. I feel so empty, alone, so hurt, that I am still in slight denial. Becca, my lovely and amazing girlfriend, has passed onto the other side. She made me promise that I would not harm myself, so in her honor, I intend to keep it. As she promised me that she will wait for me until my time comes where we can be together again. I am counting to that day, but I must live my life. But my heart will always belong to her. I love her so much, so dearly, that I wish it would not have had to happen like this. I miss you Becca, how I wish you could come back. We'll meet again though, no matter how long it may be. R.A.L.H. <3 December 15th, 1990, through February 13th, 2009. Dear God, the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I am much too far away, like I am right now.

Picking up from my last entry... A Look Back: February 2008 So, the continuing struggle carries on into February, and that is when the reality of it kicked into me. Christina, was gone, my best friend, the one who person who actually got me and had always been there for me was gone. It felt like a part of me had literally died, who would I be able to count on to be there for me and talk to me and keep me calm. I fell apart. I was depressed, angry, and I never slept. I would rarely eat. I couldn't believe why I had to go through this heartache again. I never did anything wrong. I never understood why this had to happen to me, why would I always to go through some kind of emotional suffering or another. The rest of February went on, work was my sole way to keep my mind off of things. So I increased my work load, which just in fact, made it worse. The increased stress, the lack of getting my rest, both physically and mentally, just strained myself. And I was just a shell of what I used to be. I was utterly unhappy, and nothing was making it better. All that I wanted was to have her back, and every night her face and voice haunted me, and I just couldn't take it. And thus, I cut myself off from everyone. And was basically a lost soul and a lost person trying to find their grip on life once again, and hoping to bring myself back from this cold and empty place I have put myself in, where I was literally imprisoned, and in my place was just a zombie....

Over the course of the next week or so, I will be putting up entries reflecting upon how that one year that only ended just a little over half a month ago. Tonight, I start with January. January, the month of my birth. Well, what can I say? I don't even remember the clock hitting midnight on New Year's Eve that officially started off 2008. By then I had already had my fair share to drink in celebration with my friends. All in all, it was an amazing way to start off my New Year, and I got off to it on a good note. The next couple of weeks went along smoothly, Christina and I were having a great relationship, all was good, until my birthday. Christina got hold of me, and told me she was in the hospital due to an appendicitis, a very severe one. Even with that, she was more focused on the fact it was my birthday, she sent me her wishes that I have a good birthday and told me she would talk to me tomorrow. Tomorrow would never come for me. Someone (Unknown to me and her at the time, and remains unknown yet to this day) seized the opportunity and twisted it into something evil. Making me believe she was dead, and making her believe that I abandoned her in her time of need of fighting through her situation. As quickly as my New Year started on a good note, it went quickly downhill, like the sound of a latch releasing as you are prepared to be sent on your downhill on a roller coaster. I would spend the rest of my month in denial that she was gone, and on top of that, with the added stress of becoming a shift runner/assistant manager at Domino's Pizza, I walked into the dark path that was laying in front of me, blinded to see what is in front of me, and just had to be prepared for whatever I would come across. This month was the sign of things to come. And even now, in this New Year, I am barely just nearing the end of my path, but I still can't see what is to come, it is still shrouded in darkness, and I bitterly must be prepared for whatever obstacle I may be presented with next.

It is now officially my 19th birthday. 19 looong years, and to think, I have another 60-70 left. Anyways, I am off to bed, just had to stay awake till I saw myself go from 18 to 19. No change at all. Lol. Peace. ~Da Mista Mike~

I hate being sick...especially when its my birthday week. One hour and 12 minutes away from turning 19!

Not in the way I wanted it, but I will take it, as long as he will never be able to bother Becca again. I hope he gets justice served to him while he wastes his life away in prison.