Review: BZ-Koro: To Bring Back Bionicle

[xccj]

Story Topic

 

Hey, so it's been a while, but I'm doing a story thing on BZPower again! Woo!

 

Specifically, this is partially inspired by the return of our favorite theme, Bionicle. But the whole deal with Lego just deciding to reboot it is too boring, so it's return needs to be fictionalized into an adventure. And not just any adventure, but one BZPower members can partake in!

 

Some of you have already started when you submitted character Bios in my blog entry. You guys got awful creative, so I'm going to try my best to fit all of em into this story, although some will have larger roles than others, based on the descriptions I liked the best.

 

If you didn't submit your character in time, don't fret, there will be other ways for you to influence the story. You'll see the first one soon enough... er, it just wouldn't fit well into the first chapter, so second chapter it is!

 

So long as there's interest, I'll try not to let this story falter. We'll see where it ends up going!

 

Feel free to leave comments and criticism, with the inevitable pointing out of spelling and grammar mistakes. If there's something you don't like about how your character is acting, you could mention it here or let me know via PM, but I have made some tweaks to them to better fit in, so some changes may be deliberate.

 

Thanks again for reading!

 

[Pomegranate]

Oh dear, sounds like this Stargate-y mission is gonna be a handful. Rest in peace, DeeVee, Takuma, and the Reporter squad

It's a great setup, very meta, I love it. The writing and formatting is good, very easy to follow. Lookin' forward to the rest, 'cause it seems exciting

Is the real Mask of Bionicle gonna turn out to be friendships made along the way?

[Toa Smoke Monster]

First off, thanks for linking your Review Topic to your Story Topic and vice versa. I don't check out Epics that often these days, but this one is one of the first where I've the topics linked to each other in a long while. I find it really helpful for getting to one topic from another.

 

Anyways, onto the story. I really like the concept you have for your story. 'Find the Mask of Bionicle to bring in Bionicle's reboot.' I think this will make for an interesting story arc. I can't to see who makes up team to find it! 

 

Here's looking foward to the next chapter!

 

Edit: Reworded one of my sentences here.

Edited November 17, 2014 by Toa Smoke Monster

[Reznas]

This is pure bliss! I'm already on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter. Great work, xccj! Absolutely wonderful writing, and I personally liked how intriguing you've made some of the characters.

 

One thing, my name was spelled as 'Raznas' in the first chapter. It should be 'Reznas.' Just a minor thing.

-Rez

[Phyoohrii]

First off, thanks for linking your Review Topic to your Story Topic and vice versa. I don't check out Epics that often these days, but this one where I've the topics linked to each other in a long while. I find it really helpful for getting to one topic from another.

People don't do this normally? I was a terrible writer back in the day, but at least I did stuff like this. This is basic ease-of-access stuff!

 

Welp, didn't expect to appear so early on...like, character #2. Intrigued to see how this progresses, and I do mean beyond satisfying my inflated ego. It's an interesting idea and I'm impressed with the response you were able to get in your blog entry for characters. The difficulty with member participation I've found in the past is with how much the members try to wrest some control of their characters, influencing the author's plan late in the piece. Like, with the rules you imposed, it's greatly limited the influence of the participating member's on your story, which I think is correct. I think you've probably set the right balance from the get go and I know you're one of the writers on here that is probably best suited for tackling the logistics of such a project.

 

Not sure why I went on this tangent, maybe just musing on how I would have done things differently with my own work. Anyway, I'll be reading to see what happens as things go on.

 

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

This is gonna be good! I'm liking this already- but R.I.P. DeeVee and Takuma Nuva. I can't wait to see just how the Mask of Bionicle will be recovered and what adventures it will bring.

 

 

I hope its not too late to add a squid obsession to my character...

[dotcom]

Pretty good start for this here story! Going through all the characters people submitted, it's gonna be one interesting ride just from seeing all these weirdos interact. Definitely looking forward to more.

[Franco]

Firstly, I'm glad to see this this story and honored to see the focus on my character (crossing "start a story" off my bucket list). It's nice to see fiction come together, and I like what you've done here. That said, let's get on to the meat of the review.

 

The language you're using is generally good; the announcement feels like it's the real deal, with B6's voice "booming." If there's one thing I'm not a fan of here, it's the use of dialogue words--there's a lot of unaccompanied "said," "continued," and "asked" flying around, which is great for small, minimalistic works where reading the absence is everything. When handling a dozen characters, though, adding an adverb or two might help to make each one pop. I liked your addition of those descriptors on the occasion that you did, and that you use appropriate synonyms of "said," like "demanded," as necessary.

 

Speaking of description, I love the detail here. You weren't very exact about the travel from Storyline and Theory to GD because you didn't need to be. The conversation between Phyoohri and Franco fills up the time of the journey, while little phrases like "in the distance" establish the space. The story's far from over, but it already contains a world. The setting and its establishment fit the plot well.

 

I don't think I can't say too much about the plot, of course, because this is the earliest stage of the story. That said, it's getting there, as are its characters. Black Six seems like an interesting guy, and I'd hate to see a Hero Factory fan bump into Portalfig. The establishment you have is solid, though I'd reiterate that descriptors are key tools for evoking personalities.

 

On a less related note, one grammatical issue jumped out at me:

There was a resounding, "WHAT?" heard from the crowd, and Makaru hastily tried to explain.

I don't think you need a comma before "WHAT?" because it's a statement of what was heard, not what the crowd said/queried/etc. The comma doesn't flow well, either. Otherwise, a cursory glance didn't reveal anything off with grammar and spelling.

 

All in all, good going. I await the next installment.

[Voltex]

R.I.P. Takuma and Deevee. I'm looking forward to the debut of my character (obviously), but this was a good introductions - throwing a few characters at us, but not too many. Hopefully we'll see more of the cast next chapter (when I assume the group will be assembled).

[Cyrix]

plot twist: Takuma went mad in the wilderness and now creates disaster as an evil blog master

 

This is pretty intriguing so far! It looks like it'll be a pretty fun adventure for all involved. Can't wait to see where you take all of the characters! (Including mine!) I'll totally be keeping an eye on this.

[Kaleidoscope Tekulo]

I hope I find Tak and then join his party (or vice verse) because then I could nag at him for ruining my alleged fanfiction. =P

 

This is exciting so far, and I am totally looking forward to the next installment. This is gonna be fun. ^^

[xccj]

Wow, I know I haven't written epics in a while, but I don't remember getting this many reviews for just a single chapter... like ever. Heh, maybe this scheme of making members part of the story is paying off! Now let's see if I can remember how to respond to reviewers...

 

Pomegranate: I'm gonna say there is a real mask, but I haven't exactly worked out the details, for some obvious reasons. (But, like, really, I don't even know what shape it'll be in.) Also, don't write off those staffies yet; you're not dead until you've seen the bodies.

 

Toa Smoke Monster: Really, the link is that surprising? That used to be the standard for how things were done in the epics. Glad you like the concept!

 

Reznas: Hah, that's an easy character flaw to fix.

 

Phyoohrii: It will definitely be interesting to fill out the characters and see how closely I can stick to the original. The first chapter didn't have much, but in the second chapter I was already finding myself deviating on the characters, so they could fit into a role that I want for later in the story. And you might have landed a main character role, mostly cause I'm fond of the idea of disk making, so I'll have fun with it.

 

Pohatu: Master of Stone: Hmm, now I need to figure out how to work squids in...

 

Carson Chambliss: Heh, yeah, Franco Mango is probably going to be a main character, cause I see some nice room for character growth to play around with. I did feel that the dialogue words were a bit stale here, but it's hard to work in a lot of "emotion" in what is primarily an informative speech. Really, it could've just been one big block of text, but I like breaking my paragraphs of speech up, which meant a lot of 'said' being used.

 

Voltex: All the character intros may take longer than I anticipated, cause there were so many submissions. (And while I'm tempted to kill your character off early for stealing borrowing my crowd sourcing idea, I already have uses for him.

 

Cyrix: I certainly have some ideas for your character. I kinda decided to base his personality off a previous character I've done, so will be fun to write.

 

***

 

Anyway, next chapter is up! It did take me about a week... to get my act together and finally write it down in a few hours. Eh, once a week isn't a terrible schedule. This was fairly difficult, since I was not just name-dropping but actually introducing a bunch of characters. Some still have yet to show up, but fear not, they'll make it eventually.

 

Also, I'm falling back on another audience-participation method: giving you a question at the end of the chapter to answer that will affect future plotlines. It's a double bladed sword, since it keeps me on my toes and the story can steer in the direction the audience wants... but it also means I can't really write up chapters ahead of time. I can't promise one of these questions after every chapter, but there'll be plenty to appear.

 

A big thanks again to everybody who replied, I'm touched, really! But now let's move past the introduction and actually get this story rolling!

 

[Voltex]

I like the volcano idea, personally. I really liked the introduction of my characater and I hope you don't kill him off early, because I think some interesting interactions can be had

[dotcom]

Great second chapter! Oh, the intrigue...tension within the group! An antagonistic group of rogues! A mole! Oh this will be interesting.

 

I vote for C: Le-Wahi!

[Toa Smoke Monster]

First off, to answer your question, I would like the team to start in Po-Wahi. I don't know why, but it just seems like a natural place to start the journey IMO.

 

Second, I found a grammar mistake, and it is:

 

 

He knows you name, he said it. Mustn’t let him speak to you. Must flee.”

I think you meant to say 'your' here, unless this is part of Voltex's character. Then you can ignore this quote.

 

Now onto the chapter itself. I really like that you introduced a lot of the characters in this chapter. A lot of them look to be interesting additions to the team. Especially Voltex. I'm very excited to see what happens when the team gets to the Bionicle universe, and the villains will do when they follow. 

 

Keep up the good work!

[Franco]

Carson Chambliss: Heh, yeah, Franco Mango is probably going to be a main character, cause I see some nice room for character growth to play around with.

Very nice.

 

I did feel that the dialogue words were a bit stale here, but it's hard to work in a lot of "emotion" in what is primarily an informative speech. Really, it could've just been one big block of text, but I like breaking my paragraphs of speech up, which meant a lot of 'said' being used.

Fair enough.

 

Speaking of fair, this chapter was great. I liked the introduction of the villains especially--Fishers looks like fun. I sympathized with Franco's plight, though he should've really just stuck to archaeology and avoided swordplay. The announcement of the mole interested me enough to analyze all the team members once more, and I have a few predictions about some of them. Keep up the good work.

 

P.S. I'll vote A and the desert. The volcano and jungle are great, but I'd like to save those terrains for later.

Edited November 25, 2014 by Carson Chambliss

[Portalfig]

Muahaha I am evil. *2spooks*

 

I vote for B: because the lava == more dead adventurers == my plans coming to more quick fruition. 

 

Muahahaha

[Eyru]

I'm enjoying this story (especially because Franco is so prominent <3). Keep up the good work.

 

I vote A, desert.

[fishers64]

A. Desert.

 

[Gifthammer]

I vote for: E. Karzahni's land!

 

On a more serious note, A. Desert, seems like the best choice. Liking the story so far.

[xccj]

New chapter is up. It's more like character introductions, part 2, but got to work on a few more of them and provide some more background info that I didn't fit into the first chapter. Hopefully the action will pick up next chapter. Did take a while to put this one together, but going to try to keep to my once-a-week-ish schedule. Still have a few twists planned out here, but also keeping it fluid for questions for you guys.

 

Thanks again for reading!

 

[Toa Smoke Monster]

To answer the question, I would love to see the group take on Exo-Toa. That would be great IMO.

 

Onto the chapter, I really enjoyed it. I really like that you're having the group begin on Mata Nui. (And explained why it still exists to boot.) It will be cool seeing how the group will handle being in the desert. Now I wonder what the villains will be up to when they show up again.

 

I can't wait for the next chapter! 

[Franco]

People seem to really like to die when Bionicle is involved. Hopefully not Wrinkledlion because I like Yoda.

 

But this is nice.

 

I will vote C, Exo-Toa. Bonus points if we use the defeated suits.

[Voltex]

Definitely go for the Exo-Toa; they could make for a rather interesting fight.

[Eyru]

Things are picking up for sure! I'm excited to see what they encounter in Po-Wahi.

 

I'll vote A, Bohrok.

[dotcom]

And the mission begins...

 

I choose Exo-Toa as well. That'll be something.

[Trijhak]

Well, I guess I vote C (Exo-Toa) too. If only because they're slightly more interesting than Bohrok. Then again, I suppose Bohrok have krana...

[Cyrix]

So Tekulo, Pommy and I are the Crazy Crew?

 

I'm alright with that. 

 

Things seem to be heading in an interesting direction thus far, especially now that we've entered the BIONICLE Universe. I'll have to go with c. Exo-Toa.

Edited December 10, 2014 by Cyrix

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

(Too busy being frozen in an ice cube)

 

But I'll vote for Bohrok.

Edited December 11, 2014 by Pohatu: Master of Stone

[Nathan Evo]

Haven't really been keeping track of this as much as I should. Love how you handle my character. Looking forward to more.

 

Also, I guess I'd be most partial to Exo-Toa.

[Kaleidoscope Tekulo]

Let me get this straight: The first dialogue my character has involves inadvertantly trolling another member with the existence of my knife collection? ... There is no possible way I could approve of this any more than I already do.

 

My one nitpick is that he didn't burst into a Disney song after they arrived on Mata Nui. I'm thinking When Will My Life Begin reprise. (But honestly, I'd probably have reacted in a similar fashion to what you had written, so I'm happy with how you're writing him. =P)

 

I vote bohrok.

 

So Tekulo, Pommy and I are the Crazy Crew?

We should get shirts made.

Edited December 14, 2014 by Actually... I'm Santa

[xccj]

Let me get this straight: The first dialogue my character has involves inadvertantly trolling another member with the existence of my knife collection? ... There is no possible way I could approve of this any more than I already do.

At first I thought you were disapproving of it... glad that's not the case.

 

New chapter up! Focused on a few more members to give them a spotlight. Let me know if the Exo Toa fight was up to standards... because its not over yet! (I was honestly expecting to write a power showdown between either Bohrok or Rahkshi, but then everybody liked the Exo Toa more. Huh.) I know some characters haven't really appeared yet, but be assured that I have things planned out, but I just want to progress with the expedition group a bit first.

 

No question this week, so expect this cliffhanger to be resolved by my literary might. Muhaha.

 

[Voltex]

Well things are looking bad for Makaru

Luckily Voltex is in the perfect position to either pull off the miracle save or the incredibly more likely revenge kill

[Kaleidoscope Tekulo]

MAKARU, NOOOOO!

 

Also, I'm envisioning Cyrix riding on Skitty's back while Phyoorii and I try to run after them to keep up.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Actually... I'm Santa

[Let's Henshin!]

With the way things have been set up so far I'm very interested in seeing my introduction. Should be a fun ride.

[Franco]

I predict that Gurk will win his fight purely for his sheer guts. I also predict that Makaru will be saved by someone, but I haven't many clues as to whom...

 

Where's an Urye when you need her?

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I really like how tough you made the Exo-Toa in this chapter. It just goes to show how much a challenge a group of them can be in a fight.

 

I wonder who will save Makaru though. Or if he will be saved at all....

[xccj]

Next chapter up, and new question! We're still going to get back to the good guys next chapter... but will also be making room for the baddies to finally show up!

 

Sorry for killing Makaru off, but it's all for character building for Zatth. Like Gwen Stacy, Makaru was destined to die by getting thrown off a bridge.

 

Chris Pratt - It's funny cause that's pretty much what happened. (The second part, anyway.)

 

Actually... I'm Santa - May have to use that idea later...

 

Purple Devil - Oh, your character's going to be fun, but not sure when he'll show up, since my current plans don't really call for him. He'll make it in eventually, tho. Sorry.

 

I Am A Walrus - Glad you liked the Exo-Toa. I see it that an experienced member (Gurk, Makaru) could handle an Exo on their own, but the rest of the group are not experienced, so it gets all the harder.

 

Thanks for reading and replying!

 

[Voltex]

Well that was certainly an exciting chapter! I enjoyed Voltex showing his combat skills. As for the question... I think smaller groups.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I wasn't expecting the death of a character so soon in this epic, but I think it was a good idea overall so help show that this is indeed a dangerous mission. I will miss Makaru though.

 

The fights with the Exo-Toa were good. I really liked some of the tatics used by the members on them. (Using the shrinking Kanoka on the rocket launcher was a neat idea. ) I can't wait to see what happens next and see what the villains are up to.

 

And to answer your question, I think it would be cool to see them separate into smaller groups. That way, you could focus more on fewer characters in each chapter and give them more development. It could also lead to some interesting storylines as well.