Blogarithm

Vakama ate spam mistakenly believing it to be his favorite flavor of lamb stew, with a side of delicious chocolate milk. In doing so, he saved the marvelous dresser of hats from falling into the volcano of despair. 

Why does he eat Spam?

Vakama eats Spam because the sour scent of the spiced ham is the only thing keeping him from annoyingly repeating, "It's my fault, it's all my fault!" Also, he enjoys the meat's texture, which feels like dried rabbit feathers. Even though Spam tastes like a wet alphabet without the letter "z," his mechanical taste buds have caused the fictional character Vakama to develop a reliance on the real-world food known as Spam.

I just noticed the interrobang...

 

 

Vakama eats Spam because he enjoys the flavor, which is similar to that of the blood of my enemies.

Why does Vakama eat Spam, you ask? Why, it is quite clear why he consumes horribly pointless messages as if they were packaged organs! He does so to allow a gateway to his pilfered orangutan to remain open until it may flee through. When and if he runs out of the meaty messages, the gate will close, sending out a maleficent shockwave of dirty blowdryer air that will surely make everyone smell quite badly. The rubbery, canned messages-turned-meat are the only thing keeping everyone from becoming smelly cheese.

He ate it to complete the marriage ritual of the toaster oven and a yellow fedora.

I feel like everyone is missing the point, that Vakama is the one eating spam.

 

Luckily, it is quite obvious! I'll have to tell you the story that brought him to this atrocious feat, though.

 

It was a cold, dark day at the end of 2005. Vakama sat on a cold, dark room, staring blankly into the fridge. No couches, just like last time. Only this time there were no more goldfish either.

 

He slammed the fridge shut, leaving the room colder and darker. What was he going to hand-absorb now? 

 

The closet rang, and Vakama ran over and opened it up. A small matoran held up a red water buffalo in a pizza box. "Ew." Vakama whispered, before quietly shutting the door, careful to not awaken the monsters under his bed. 

 

He had to hand absorb something, but what? He tiptoed over to the clock he used for his angsty writings. He would have to do it. He had to do the thing. The thing that he hated. The thing that he danced.

 

Yes, indeed, that thing.

 

Slowly he raised his feathery quill and wrote on a small slip of shoe four simple letter-gatherings.

 

"brakelatabasaasta feed me wacko.gif"

 

Repulsed, he grabbed some old spaghetti and pasted the shoe on the wall, in a frame headed with the term "BZPower". 

 

In moments he saw a remarkable transformation take place, as the old nasty spaghetti was replaced with the smell of hot pockets and the sight of a small can.

 

A can of Spam. 

 

And thusly Vakama sold his soul to the mods for a can of spam.

Vakama eats spam because its better than anti-spam. That is all.

Because the chess board king ran out of cheese, and Sumiki's Dad kidnapped him to replenish his supply of extendable lettuce. In the final moments of their quest, Vakama had to eat SPAM to anger the cheese gods and throw chunks of themselves at Sumiki's Dad and the chess board king. Duh.

Why, you ask? Because

No one should go without SPAM

It is cold and gross

Because he's hungry, I assume.

To restore celery to the Ziploc feline overlords. 

Because Sumiki's Dad is a stunningly handsome individual.

Because the farm animals in his head told him to. =P