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So I don`t really define myself with technicalities, or at least I try not to. I also try and grant the same perspective to other people because that`s just how my mind has always worked. There is a member in my family that has different needs than most people. I never really realized it until that family member met briefly with a childhood friend of mine. I had always just thought of that person as another member of the family. "Yes, that person acts differently, but Mom acts differently than Dad. Mom is Mom, Dad is Dad, and this person is this person" That was how my mind worked as a child. I like to think I carry a fraction of that mentality with me even today, though honestly I have no clue if that's the case. I know it`s not always easy to believe other people when they say "I know what it's like to be..." You can never just trust anyone else with your opinions, especially when you feel so personally and so strongly about that one trait that you relate with. People build morals, ideals and their very identityies around those sorts of things. How can anyone trust someone else with something so personal? Even so, I still try to get some sort of message across. Just here and there mostly, but I just want everyone to stay calm and think important aspects of their lives over rationally. It doesn`t sound like a lot, but sometimes people just can`t be rational or calm. They`re too proud, too stubborn or they have something that just means so much to them that they won`t ever consider taking their ideals lightly. And that`s fine, I guess. I am only 22 years old as of right now. So, what have I learned? Things change. I used to be a bratty kid with a hot temper. Then I was a miserable adolescent dealing with depression on my own. Now I`ve gone through treatment and I`m actually more or less content with my life. Sure, things aren`t perfect, but nothing ever is. That`s life I guess. But I`ve also learned that, yeah, I am different. Now, I don`t really have a label for myself that I fully appreciate, and I don`t keep up with personality studies, though I have taken a couple. (DISC - I think I was an I\C? Myers Briggs says I`m an INFJ). Ever since I was a kid, I grew up overweight. I know it`s not the most tragic thing you`ve ever heard, and yeah I am responsible for my own life choices and it`s not something that someone`s born with. That`s just how I was and still am. And yeah, I got bullied for it. I never got beat up, but throughout my schooling I would be a target for teasing. Some kids would hug me out of curiosity and tell their friends it was like hugging a big marshmallow. My bad temper didn`t help me any either. The more I reacted, the more it happened. I ended up just shutting up and ignoring people around me. That was a pretty unhealthy way to deal with it looking back now. When I went through my depression in highschool and college, it took me forever to finally come to terms with the fact there was something wrong with me, and even then it took me longer to actually tell my family. I hated that I was different. I didn`t feel comfortable in my own skin. I would go for walks after school and other kids (while sometimes meaning no harm) would make comments. I never lost my temper despite being quiet. I wanted to fight. I wanted to punch. I wanted to scream. But I put all of that aside. It never got any better. At least by ignoring they could have their fun and then get bored. That was just the way I was. That was just the way life is. You can spend a lifetime reasoning the ramifications of bullying, but ultimately it will still happen. That was just how my life worked. They were them and I was me. I had to deal with it alone. That was just the way it was. Anyway, as bad as things could get sometimes, I always told myself I was lucky. I have a good family, I have my health (more or less =P) and I have reasons to be happy, even if I wasn`t happy all of the time. Well, I don`t know if any of you guys have dealt with being overweight. I don`t even know if any of you can relate even a little bit to what I`ve said so far. Still, I think that no matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone who tells you who you are and what you are capable of. When I was in college studying to become a baker, a student in the culinary program told me right to my face that no matter how hard I worked I would never find a job (And he was so stuck up about it that I wanted to punch him. Still, I was set to ignore, so that didn`t happen). I think we will be told our place in the world many times before we die. That`s the world. That`s just the way it works. But that doesn`t mean you can`t do anything. That doesn`t mean it doesn`t get better. Yes, I am still overweight. Yes, people around me still take notice. Yes I can be treated differently because of it. But for the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am 22 and I am employed as a baker. Not only that, but my bosses actually want to keep me around. Go figure. I have no idea what the people who made fun of me or told me who I was are up to now. I honestly don`t care. Karma could punish them, or they could be super rich and popular. It makes no difference to me. I like myself the way I am, and yes, I am imperfect. Yes, I should lose weight and I should probably work on my own personal identity more than I have in the past. But honestly? Right now I'm just glad with who I am. And I know my story doesn`t end here. I`m going to change a lot over the years. That`s what life does. That`s the way it works. I say bring it on.

You know I've always tried to be an honest person. And while I'm certainly not perfect at it I'd like to think I've done an okay job. Except with one person, myself. I've denied the truth about myself, subconsciously or otherwise. Thinking back I realise I've been doing this for years, probably since 9th grade. I'd tell myself day by day that was completely comfortable with who I was, what I believed, and that I didn't care what others thought of me. That I always acted like me even if it got me weird looks or if I got called a 'freak' or a 'goofball' or whatever the ###### they came up with. I could roll with the punches, laugh at almost everything said about me, and tell everyone I didn't care what people thought of me. That I wasn't going to conform to make other people around me happy. Well, as a certain Tyler so elegantly put it once, I'm a moron. I cared what people thought of me, I still care what people think of me. I can tell myself all day long that I don't but that's just not true. I do. I want to be liked and loved just like any other human being. What people say about me does affect how I act, what I say, and probably even what I think. Sure, I've always kept up the facade that I couldn't care less what people would say, and maybe sometimes I really didn't, but the truth of the matter that every insult, compliment, or criticism affects me in some way or another. I may laugh it off or just act indifferent but inside it still hurts. I love getting attention, especially the center of it and I'd probably say any stupid thing to get it. I've always been the cheerful, generally optimistic, carefree person that I've expected myself to be. That's okay, it's part of who I am, it's not something I can just change, or would ever want to. I've done a pretty good job of maintaining that over the years, but on the inside I feel things that I rarely, if ever speak of, even to myself. I hate yelling, no I'm not talking about your everyday yell of alarm or trying to get someone's attention. I'm talking about that deep, loud, terrifying blood curdling scream that only the grouchiest, meanest of people can summon from their throats. Well, hello to my late grandfather, who I lived with till I was about 13. Now I loved my grandfather, but the man had anger issues like no one I've ever met since. And naturally who was the person who was on the receiving end of this howling? Well if he and my dad weren't busy screaming at each other it was me. I probably don't need to say it sucked. Kind of makes you feel like fleeing in terror and hiding where no one can find you. I don't even know why I'm talking about this, maybe I just need too. I tend to act like I'm not afraid of anything, truth is I feel absolutely terrified on some level. It might not come out every day, or even every week, but it's there somewhere. I'm afraid that people won't like me, hate me, think the things I enjoy are stupid, and I'm pretty sure I could cry if the right person decided to start screaming at me. It used to happen all the time. For a guy who's pretty much declared war against conformity, I'm pretty guilty of it. I've conformed for friends, strangers, my parents, pretty much everyone. So to really start changing all that I'm just going to flat out admit something. I'm genderfluid. Since around my early teens I've been obsessed with the idea of being a woman, I don't think a single day has gone by since then that I haven't at least thought about it once. For a long time I've kept that mostly to myself, sometimes I've wondered if something's wrong with me, or if I need help. I don't even want to think about how my parents would react if they knew how I felt. Well, I'm pretty much sick and tired of hiding it. So I've decided to just outright admit it. I'm genderfluid, might even be a transsexual I don't know. All I know is I've needed to admit it for long time. It's taken me years to get the guts to do this, and you guys were a large part of it, especially my peeps on Skype. <3 So there, my darkest secret is out, yay. God...I'm actually posting this.

I've had the climax of Mask of Light in my room for a while now and I didn't even know it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuIdjU1I-08 Seriously though I really really hope the localization team just carries on and still pretends this is all happening in America. Yes that's right in early 1900s Los Angeles Phoenix Wright's great-grandfather became the first lawyer of the Meiji Restoration. In the great Empire of America.

I thought that Bionicle had garbage gender ratios was an accepted fact at this point. It is, in fact, the most moderate thing that can be said on the issue. Apparently I was wrong. (this is in reference to something off-site, not any of the topics I have posted in.)

My chemistry teacher had leftover liquid nitrogen from something (is this a normal thing?) and decided to pour some of it in a glass container and freeze stuff so he could shatter it. It worked for like two minutes and then the container just shattered into these large shards. (Nobody got hurt)He just kinda looked at it and didn't know what to do. I really wanted to shout a Cave Johnson quote but I didn't.

I've been visiting the blogs occasionally lately and always remembered that I have my own but never really had much of anything to say on it. That's more or less my issue, really; Tumblr has more or less satisfied my [micro]blogging desires and the BZPRPG/school drains me of much of my motivation to type, so that leaves me with... not much to say, admittedly. However, that doesn't mean I don't have things I wish to express. Quite often I find myself approaching an issue i have particularly high opinions about, and several years back I eagerly participated in debates as though I had a hunger (I did; still do, to an extent). Nowadays, however, I've become more lethargic, partly because I know that once I begin talking on an issue there's no stopping me—I become engrossed in it, obsessive even, and do not stop typing until the zeal is sated and justice served or truth uncovered—and that exhausts me beyond compare. Perhaps that's not the right way to go about doing myself any favours, though. After all, debating keeps the mind witty and alive much like books hone it to be sharp and aware. I don't read as much, either; I have a stack of about a dozen books, from both fiction and nonfiction genres, I haven't devoured as was my MO once before. For better or worse, though, that's what it's like now and probably will change sometime soon once I regain my footing in life. I think maybe I'll use this blog sporadically again. It used to be a popular platform, I think—the 49 subscribers can't all have shown up merely to keep close eyes on my words, anyway, and this blog did get a Blog of the Week award many years back... so it at least deserves some second life, right? So with that in mind there will at least few a few entries coming up to catch up on issues important to me or just anecdotes on my adventures (and there are quite a lot). In the meantime, I've updated the sidebar and not much else. So, uh, toodles?

Fix'd. I can't help it; it's just too fun killing off all of those characters you love so much... and while I get you emotionally attached to the new characters, I have the old characters to fill the space!

This morning, or rather, afternoon, I woke up two hours after my five hour class ended Basically overslept by like 9 hours. This isn't the first time I accidentally slept right through a class, but it's definitely the longest I overslept by. I remember setting my alarm so obviously at some point I woke up and turned off all handful of my alarms one by one, completely delirious. I'm so mad, that's so many hours I could've been working. I didn't even go to bed that late, it was like, the earliest I went to sleep this week. It was like 3 AM, but still. Come on. That's nothing. Whatever, the class wasn't that important. Ugh. Finals stress is really stressful and stressing me out so I'm really stressed out about everything. Way too much to do in my last week. My girlfriend helps me relax and feel better about all that stuff and I'm really grateful for that, but the timezone difference is a big part of why I go to sleep so late so that just goes back to the first issue. Oh well. Almost done with the semester, I'm kickin' into maximum overdrive, and I'm gonna get everything done and hope for the best, and then pack my things and fly over to see her. And I will sleep so much.

And this is the part of the show where Voltex is even happier that he never bought into this whole "use toys to play video games" business. But he also realizes with sadness that if they do this with Pokemon or Nintendo characters in general, he will probably become broke.

Hey folks. Guess who I'm modeling for my Maya final

Well finally got moved into my new place.. after a year of no hot water and having to boil water when i wanted to take a shower I am finally in a place with running hot water.. far bigger than my last place and life is generally good. Still have alot of boxes to unpack but right now i am sore from all the lifting and what not I have had to do.

These entries don't get many replies, but I mostly make them because I enjoy talking about the writing process. My favorite part of a character is when they finally break free from my hold and grab hold of their own destiny. Perhaps a peculiar sounding idea to some, but powerfully real to me. I bring this up now because for a long time I was having trouble nailing down just who one of my female characters was. I recently extrapolated upon an important event in her past that became probably her most defining moment. It was just today that I realized a choice she was going to make at some point in the story, something I had never anticipated, and no matter what I previously thought her ultimate fate was going to be, I can't say no. She's no longer in my control. That's awesome. TN

Decided to flip the order of the serials, so just finished part 3 of PTB (yes, you actually don't have to wait six weeks for the next chapter -- I know you're shocked ) In this episode: * We meet the "Who Am I?" winner * We answer the age-old question, "What happens when Nynrah Ghosts have too much time on their hands?" * We go inside the red star for the first time, and while we don't come out knowing just what the heck is going on there yet, it sure SOUNDS disturbing * We get the return of some folks that neither you nor I EVER thought we would see EVER again (and special thanks to Biosector01.com for refreshing my memory about them) (and no, it's not the Makuta, relax ) And in chapter 4: More red star, somebody hits the right switch and regrets it ... or is the wrong switch?, and there are some people who get very frustrated by long lines ... murderously frustrated, in fact. Oh, and what does all this have to do with the murders of Karzahni and Tren Krom? And will Kopaka and Pohatu get the chance to find out?