Kal the Guardian

Bionicle: Mystery Voyage 2001Introduction. It gives an interesting view into what universe we're about to delve into, but overall, it just seemed too cheesy to me. Asha's message is better, though. It's very interesting that they have no idea how they got there.Locations. The locations are ok, with the major discription at the end, but does the city look the same wherever you are, or does the Omega District gleam while the Beta District is broken down?Casinos. Uh, despite me not liking Casinos, I still wonder why you don't describe them more. We just know they exist, not what they're like or what game is their pull.Citizens. I'm sure they're more opinions out among the populace, but the Dronies seem very interesting.Profiles. These are solid. Like I stated in an earlier review, a Weakness spot is good, even though I wish people would play fair enough so that it wasn't needed.Rules. "4. Do not do any major I allowed things..." What are you saying there? Otherwise, while the rules could have more, yours are a good set nevertheless.Rules about Beings. All elements are allowed? Time and Life are elements. And while they would kill a being who wielded them, this doesn't stop them from appearing in RPGs. Just a heads up.Adventure Rules. So story missions are optional, correct? I would assume so, but I wasn't sure when I read this. "Weapons and upgrades can be gotten from missions doing, as can pay." Umm... I'm not quite sure how you worded that, but that should definately be made more clear.And a cheesy quote at the end. So we don't get an example profile?Overall. So this RPG seems solid, but not quite detailed enough. It just doesn't seem to get me excited to play it.Good luck in the contest!

Well just don't do like I used to, and not actually start on the RPG until next contest rolls around. And Dreamland now has a pretty banner and a map! So, my entry is complete! Now to wait for reviews so that I can make it better.

Yeah, that's definately what I meant with that.[/notalie]So, you guys think it'll be like most of the former contests and twenty entries will show up in the last three days of the entry period? I'm guessing so, I've been one of those in the past. XD

Well that's a given, it's the Day Run, after all. And I guess I'd vote for myself. But no one has my third vote yet. That's what I was talking about, of course.

I don't know how you guys can already be picking favorites! I know that I don't really decide who to vote for until the final poll.

Shadow of the BarrakiFirst off, I will conduct this review as if I had not already seen the reviews of everyone else about this RPG.Introduction. Setting. Mahri Nui... That's it? You at least need to point out the general landmarks. Backstory. Son? This is Bionicle, there are no sons unless you count Rahkshi. When does this take place? Because if this is before they find the mask of LIfe, then they wouldn't take the time to go to Mahri Nui when they already had an important quest. If this is after Matoro sacrificed himself, then he would no longer exist and neither would Mahri Nui. If it is some time in between then all the Toa Inika would be down there. So is this some type of alternate universe?Characters and Creatures. The characters involved? So we don't get to create our own? Right there I can say that no one will like that. Creating your own character is the basis for TBRPGs. And then you force us to fight aquatic beasts? Not letting the players do their own thing is one way not to win an RPG contest here. This seems more like a video game than anything, and the players here do not want that.Story. Setting? Once again Mahri Nui with no descriptions. Basic play. That's all we get to do? We all have to choose from the three pre-made characters at the beginning of the game? This sounds like it's a script for a fan-made game. You should take this there.Player control. You force us to accomplish goals to "complete" the game? You should read one of the RPGs in this forum to see what is normal here. This RPG is way too restrictive.Quest. Of course this isn't a MMORPG. This is a Text Based Role Playing Game. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but you, sir, do not have a TBRPG here.Requirements. Made-up characters. So we do have customizable characters. Halfway into the game? And even then we can't create our own custom abilities or powers?Character profiles. Just see above.Rules. These aren't rules. And leveling up? That has failed so many times in TBRPGs. No one likes it. You should definately take this over to Fan-Based Games.Overall, this will fail if not changed majorly. You have a bunch of other great RPGs to take example of in the RPG submission topic, use their example.Although I don't see how it can win like it currently is, I still wish you luck in the RPG contest.

TechnaLove the banner. The quote seems sort of off to me, but I like it regardless. I guess I'm prejudiced to the purple in the background (which makes it look 20% cooler). Nice opening. It is gripping as I try to figure out just what this RPG will contain. Fully robotic Toa, sounds interesting. The Torch bit is well done with that warning at the end. So, I guess I was wrong, mostly fully robotic Toa. XDHistory. Here we go. Everything is explained nicely. Although I wonder if a Matoran would keep his implants if he turned into a Toa. This story is really compelling. Everyone of like mind went to space and eventually the population grew so much that other ideas popped up. Very nice. Although I thought Mata Nui made all new Matoran and other beings, so if he's gone... Yeah I don't know what I'm talking about there. That's just what I've heard and pieced together. Bzpower's reference center is sort of empty.Map*. *Map not added."Also, various food business (as well..." I believe that "business" should be "businesses"Locations. Wonderful descriptions that combine function and looks and still keep things shorter.Character Creation. Whoa, download the personality... So the being on Spherus Magna is still moving around, but their copied personality is now roaming around a spaceship? Cool. It's almost like being a twin!Profile sheet. Are they really implants if we are all already full robots? Otherwise these profiles look good.Characters. Time perception... What is that? And if Torch still has some organs, are they stretched out to make him a Toa, or is just his brain and spine crossed over? And can all these robo-Toa and Matoran feel pain?Enaltai seems very interesting. So if we all are full robots, as you implied in the character sheet, can we have mental powers to use on, say, Torch, who still has a biological brain? Or would we have no mental powers because we have no brain?Ah, very interesting new powers that fit in perfectly with the RPG. And there we go, Time Perception is cool.Now you say brain implant again. So do the bodies the personalities are downloaded into have brains of their own? And the soul of the being uploaded is placed inside of the manufactured brain?Gameplay and Rules. You say "and OOC after every out-of-character post" and then go and have OOC written before the out-of-character post. It's nice to see you require us to tell where we are. Although that's because I do it anyway. It might be annoying to those who don't.The rules are well explained and fun to read, actually. I really liked them. XDOverall. I see why everyone likes this. This is a great story and everything else is presented beautifully. As for what you asked, I don't think that would make it more like Bionicle, but it would be very cool nonetheless. I don't see how you could make this more like Bionicle unless normal Toa started to appear around the city, opposing the continued flight to colonize. Or maybe if the Hackers found a way to reverse engineer the implants and became normal again, even if they were fully robotic to begin with.That, actually, is a cool idea (I say of my own idea). What if the hackers start making fully biological weapons? Almost like the Yuuzhan Vong in the Star Wars books.

DAY RUN! WOOT! If you couldn't tell, I sort of like this RPG, so vote for it! Now! Well, maybe not just yet. Get it posted, Parugi.

I hope Dreamland's entry hasn't knocked me out of the competition for good. Seriously, it seems really good with a unique twist.

Enemies of JusticeOpening quote. Very well done. Not only is it a cool quote, but it immediately tells us a ton of background story. With this one quote you have me hooked.Opening. Very well put. "...has passed within thr universe, it is..." should probably be "the". This is an amazing twist and definately makes sense.Metru-Nui. So the Rahkshi are no longer inherently chaotic? I guess Makuta has more power to keep them subdued now. The discriptions are lacking, but we all know what Metru-Nui looks like, so it doesn't matter. Very interesting that relics of the past remain instead of being utterly destroyed in each area.Gameplay. Ok, seems solid, but can we play as Toa? And how does the MND know that Makuta is paying less attention? Ah, there we go. Toa. I'm happy now.But isn't this all pointless? Wouldn't Mata Nui be dead? I didn't really follow the Bara Magna arc, so I don't know if Makuta would have killed Mata Nui, who I believe was in some prototype robot.No rules or profiles. That is a concern.Overall, this RPG seems really great. The story is strong and very unique in my opinion and everything is easy to grasp right away. Unfortunately, it seems unfinished without rules or a profile sheet.

Finally! Dreamland is posted! Unfortunately, I can't get any images to work yet and the spacing seems to keep warping out of proportion, but it's up! Now to do some more reviewing.

I've fallen asleep. I keep drifting deeper and deeper inside of my head. All these years, and yet I do not wake. Nor do I feel the slightest tug of reality. I just continue deeper into unconsciousness.Lately, my dreams have been filled with the visions of friends long forgotten, and enemies forcefully forgotten. For some reason, I feel as if I just finished settling at the deepest reaches of a trance put upon me a lifetime ago. Finally, I feel that I can begin the long journey to recovering.But although things now feel more like I believe life used to be, I no longer trust what I know to be my dream version of friends. They feel almost too real. And the sting of the enemy's weapons grows increasingly painful. Yet still, I do not wake.So, all my friends with me, I dream.

Lost to time, the inhabitants of a southern island sleep. They have been that way for as long as anyone passing through can remember. No one knows why they sleep or why they won't wake. And the Makuta of the island has long gone missing. Also, no longer does anyone remember the real name of the island or the name of its long forgotten protector.For centuries the island lay alone, due to its harshly tropical climate, its ferocious breed of Rahi, and its one inaccessible bay. Only those with the ability of flight, teleportation, or the clever use of their powers have visited, and found nothing changed from the stories they had heard. And the strange howls of the night beasts now haunt the daylight, discouraging all intruders and would be thieves.Even the other Makuta left the island alone for a time, having more important things to worry about than some island stuck in slumber. Finally, after a large amount of continued myths of various hidden objects of worth that lead to threats to strip the island bare, they placed a teleportation scrambler system up around the island and left it at that. And so the island has stayed that way, secluded from the outside world, for longer than anyone cares to remember.Of course, not all are satisfied with the apathy surrounding the island. There are those who ask questions and want to find answers, no matter the consequence, because they believe it to be the right thing to do. Despite individual persuasions, they all want the same thing: Answers.Answers to questions like: Why do the Rahi of the island not devour or destroy the Matoran and the small villages they sleep in? What are the Rahi on that island, anyway? Why do the Matoran still sleep? Can they be woken up? Why has no one done anything yet? Where is their Makuta? Why did the Brotherhood really put up the teleportation scrambler and dismiss the island? And what caused all this in the first place?So, this unnamed group gathered members from far and near and grew as more questions were asked and answers demanded. They came to be known as the Insomniac Group, perhaps referring to their tireless researching of the island, which they had titled: Dreamland. They attained the help of various Scientists and Researchers and Developers and anyone else that they thought could help them in their quest to get on and explore the island and find its answers despite previous botched attempts.And, with the many new additional members, the mandatory background checks became increasingly rare, due to continued sloth, until it seemed that just about anyone could join the quest for any reason. And when the day finally came where everything was prepared for the treacherous terrain of the bay and island, they gathered their things, loaded up their boats, and headed for Dreamland.The docking was indeed treacherous. The measly remains of what was once a wooden pier that shuddered in a newly formed storm was all there was to signal the only slightly less dangerous opening up onto the island in the cliffs that surround the bay. One ship had to stay out at sea to avoid being smashed against the cliffs due to the fierce storm while the others carefully docked and unloaded with the help of the few water elemental controllers. Something to be noted is that despite all those who controlled weather and the Toa of water and air, they could not even hinder the storm in its onslaught. This in itself was warning enough of what was to come.The rest of the next three days was spent unloading and moving equipment, and searching for a suitable spot to set up the first camp. On the rise of the sun on the fourth cloudy day, all the boats, excluding the one still out at sea because of the stubbornly continuing storm, were on the bottom of the bay and all those guarding the boats were found slain. Actually, the only way to figure out that they were slain was the torn and shredded armor left behind.That was when things began to unravel.Almost as if Rahkshi were assaulting them, the Insomniac Group slowly began to fracture due to increased amounts of fear and anger among their respective members. It didn't help that the island Rahi, which the group simply began calling, "Rhaks", were nowhere to be seen, and yet still heard. The cries of the Rhaks pierced the night and invaded random times of the day, putting everyone on edge as they moved about the island and managed to set up three different camps where they found clear ground.The day the first Rhak showed itself was the day when the Insomniac Group truly split and fled to different camps for their own various, irrational reasons.It has been three weeks since the first and so far only Rhak has been seen as it rampaged through the three camps, strangely only wrecking equipment and attacking those that got in its way, and the three groups have since done what they could to set up their equipment from the camps into various bases as best they could. Perhaps because of the island and its pressures, or perhaps because of some unknown power, the three smaller groups are now fiercely protective of their bases from the other groups. Not only are they now irrationally hostile towards each other, but they all have different objectives they wish to achieve. And it doesn't help when one group has equipment the other group needs.Strangely, the groups seem completely normal when conversing with each other, but will erupt in anger when another being from an opposing camp is spotted. Another factor might be that the trees and shrubbery seemed to part for the Rhak, when it seems to hinder everyone else. There are many things to be asked about the island, even while apart from the other groups.But all live in fear of the Rhaks and what running into one would mean.Three weeks passed, with the storm over the island keeping up its ferocity. All the groups spent their time patching up what they could and protecting what they couldn't from the other groups. With the pounding rain leaking through the intensely thick canopy, not much progress was made in exploring or getting off the island.And then the almost unnatural storm cleared momentarily, and the fifth ship docked and unloaded, only to find barely controlled chaos.The storm then came back in with all its ferocity.

All Matoran on a southern island, nick-named Dreamland, have been asleep for as long as anyone can remember. Their Makuta is missing, and this is in the time when the Makuta still did their jobs. The Brotherhood reviewed the island and, due to multiple myths that led to attempts to "mine" the island of all its assets, set up a teleportation scrambler around it. Seeing that it was illogical to try to get onto the island by any other means, the Brotherhood then left it at that and cast the island from their memory.This led to beings on surrounding islands to question what was really going on. After many years and a few failed research attempts, a group amassed members, set on going to and researching what had happened on the island. Coming to be named the Insomniac Group, they gathered all the experts that they could to build them what they would need to get onto and survive on the island. After a few years of preparation, they finally felt they were ready, and the group cast off with five ships to the island.In the treacherous, cliff walled bay of Dreamland, one boat was forced to stay at sea because of a storm that appeared, while the four others successfully unloaded after much work. The storm, despite the efforts of those on the boats, was not able to be lessened and definately not stopped. The fourth day on the island, the Insomniac Group found the boats already unloaded were destroyed, sunk to the bottom of the bay, and all that was left of those set up to guard the boats were a few badly shredded pieces of armor. Meanwhile, the almost unnatural storm continued to stop the fifth boat from docking.Now stuck on the island, at least momentarily, the group painstakingly set up three different camps, each with a different purpose. Then, the first native Rahi of the island, which they quickly named a "Rhak" due to its reptilian appearance and slight resemblance to a Rahkshi, showed up and went on a rampage, destroying equipment and all who got in its way.After this, the camps were turned as best the groups could into bases, and the three different groups became suddenly hostile towards one another, while still trying to accomplish their self defined individual tasks. A rather irrational behavior in that they are only hostile toward members of the other bases. Something seems to be affecting them.And then there's the Rhaks. Even though the groups have only seen one, the almost constant cries remind them that they all have a hidden, common enemy that has still chosen not to attack in full force.Finally, after three weeks spent mostly repairing equipment, a short break in the storm appeared, and the fifth ship managed to dock and unload its contents, also placing you on Dreamland. The storm above once again rages on, drenching everything.

You're ship has finally docked. You are on Dreamland. The Insomniac Group that you belong to has strangely divided into three separate sections, each with its own motives (Described later). You may be strong individuals compared to the NPCs, but you too are pulled on by uncontrollable feelings of anger and fear that seem to radiate through the air. While you probably will break beyond this simple emotional barrier holding the NPCs in place, remember that once or if you choose a certain group, you are no longer welcomed by any other group if your loyalties become public knowledge.Your options are simple:You can try to leave the accursed island;You can try to discover the secrets of the island and then make an action based upon that new knowledge;Or you can die.The second option is the preferred one. After all, why else play the RPG? But remember, you must have fun. Or else.

A mid-sized island with dense tropical foliage and cliffs surrounding the whole island, this is where you'll be playing the game. The terrain is treacherous and everything slopes upwards towards the apparently dormant volcano. The canopy is almost impenetrable from above or below except in certain places. And the storm above now seems not to be able to be stopped.While you do have a map of the island, nothing has been named, or explored yet. New information on the island will come as the players or NPCs explore. Meanwhile, the known locations:Only Bay Passage-This is the only passageway to the Bay. It has been widened by the Insomniac Group, but is still steep and somewhat treacherous, definitely so in the rain. Water runs down the middle of it as the rain continues to poor. Footing is hard to find, even more so after all of your equipment was taken up it. What is left of a dock appears to be the hastily built remains of others that might have come before you.The cliffs are the most gentle here. Trees from the top of these cliffs branch out far over the bay and lower down many vines that are thicker than most rope. The area around the path seems to be almost cut out on purpose due to how it cuts into the cliffs and provides a way up onto the island, but so much dirt and roots now cover it that no one is able to see if it was actually cut out of the rock of the cliffs.Camp Site A-The first camp to be up and the first camp to become more of a base, this camp is situated in a widened clearing with an open sky. One of the few spots like it on the island. It has ten trailers all with different purposes: One kitchen, two power generators, one equipment repair shop, one armor and weapons shop, one empty trailer for gathering samples, and four large housing trailers.The ground in this area is all ferns and small shrubs. Even after being cut away for the camp, they seem to be re-growing at a frightening rate. The opening above is perfectly circular and seems to attract the darkest storm clouds that are always threatening with lightning.Camp Site B-After crossing four rivers in the delta, B was set up in a small clearing on already trampled ferns. The trees are thick and the sky cannot be seen, making the area full of deep shadows from what light makes it through the canopy. It has ten buildings all with different purposes. Instead of an armor and weapons shop, they have a trailer full of scientific data gatherers and other devices.The area appears to have some trees that appear to be oldest so far found on the island. They are heavily knotted and their large gnarled branches intertwine with the younger trees around them. Large roots stick out of the ground everywhere. In some places these roots are high enough to walk under.Camp Site C-With a trek straight to the mountain not possible due to terrain and the large equipment trailers that barely made it along the path from camp B, C was set up next to the River, almost on the muddy banks. The canopy is wound shut, and almost no light gets through. It has fourteen buildings all with different purposes. The four extra trailers are secure cages for any indigenous species of Rahi.The trees here appear to be the healthiest so far with tall trunks and branches only high up. Many vines can be seen climbing up the trees, only to spread out onto the branches and hang back down to the earth. The camp is set among the trees, due to there being no clearing whatsoever, and along with the constant state of night provided by the canopy, visibility is low, even with lanterns set up that cast dark shadows everywhere. Water trickles down from above, but the rain is mostly blocked, unlike the other camps.Pathways-The larger pathways have been painstaking hewn from the surrounding foliage on top of what were once smaller pathways. And considering how the trees seemed to resist the blades of the vehicles/labs, new large paths are not soon to be made, especially in the continued rain and with dulled and damaged equipment. Meanwhile, the smaller pathways are badly overgrown with numerous roots and vines. And considering the thick canopy, it is hard to move around effectively.*Please note that on the map, buildings are over emphasized. And the terrain is thick and the island large, making movement slower and dangerous on foot and in flight when not on the paths.

The Insomniac Group members on Dreamland have officially split. While there are no official names as of yet, they can be listed by what they hope to accomplish.Researchers-The Researchers wish to continue with their original purpose for coming to the island and find the secrets of the Matoran located sleeping in their villages. The researches set up at Camp B because they knew a Matoran Village was close because of old texts they had found in their research beforehand. Unfortunately, due to their damaged equipment and the pouring rain, they haven't been able to explore much of anything. They can also account for there being a village somewhere around Camp C, but they do not know if there are any other villages.Hunters-The members of the Hunters have taken a fascination with the Rhaks of the island and wish to discover their secrets, or even another of the species, considering only one has been seen. Unfortunately, in the rain and dense foliage, they can't find any tracks or anything else to find the Rahi. They have shrugged off the others to secure their objective and have set up camp as nearest as they could get to the only source of freshwater on the island with Camp C.Forfeiters-The Forfeiters just wish to take what they can from the island and leave it in one piece. Unfortunately, without any boats, they can't leave. They have been busy fixing their equipment and don't have any knowledge to effectively make a boat out of the gnarly trees around them. And even when they find out about the one boat intact, it will not be large enough to hold all of their beloved equipment and the "samples" they wish to acquire from the island.Of course, their main objective remains the same: Gather everything of worth or power from the island and then return back to the rest of the universe to sell it. (Repeat for infinite wealth. U mad?) These are the beings who should have been rejected due to background checks, but obviously, they weren't.Missions-These will be added to the RPG once I set everything up and players have started making affiliations. They will be small side quests that each group needs to accomplish before they can move on to the next task at hand. There might be rewards for accomplishing them, but that is to be determined.

BZP Rules apply, all of them.No god-modding (e.g. controlling someone else's character, having your character do something impossible). And if someone god-modes against you, don't do it back, tell the Staff.This is a Text-Based RPG, so to join in you post what is basically a miniature story for what is currently happening to your character.Please, try to use good grammar. It helps everyone out.Use IC for In-Character and OOC for Out-Of-Character.For example:

IC: The Toa glanced at his friend as he scanned the perimeter, looking for enemies.OOC: Hey Lewa34Dude, want to join us?

I am the Game Master of this RPG. And as such, I control the story and NPCs. I make sure fights stay fair. I approve profiles. I assign Co-GMs and the like. And I deal out punishment and hand out rewards.Punishments will be given after the rules are broken, like any good GM would do.-First, I will tell you in a PM or in the discussion topic what you did wrong and ask you to stop.-Secondly, if you continue to/or break a different rule, I will injure your character.-Third strike, and you have one of your characters killed.-Final Punishment is being banned from the RPG for as long as needed to fix behavior issues of any kind. A week at the least.Now for the good part: Rewards.Rewards will be handed out to players that are especially helpful in one way or another. These rewards include but are not limited to: More characters; a new power; a new mask; an upgraded weapon; misc.; etc.Hopefully there will be no punishments, but plenty of rewards.

Finally, the part where you join in. Please fill out these forms in triplicate… (Three Characters Max)Name: (No official canon names like Tahu. It must be a Bionicle-ish name, not Bob or Toaofmuffins05)Species: (You know the drill. Custom is allowed if described in detail and I approve. No Makuta)Gender: (Male, Female, It, Non)Faction: (To be added if you decide to join one of the groups. For now, everyone should just put neutral, since no PCs have explored any of Dreamland yet)Appearance: (A detailed description of your character or a linked picture)Weapons: (These were forged to channel one's power, kill, or destroy)Mask: (Custom is allowed. No Kraahkan, Avohkii, Vahi, Ignika, Olmak, Mohtrek, or Tryna)Power: (Time and Life and any other unreasonable power is not allowed)Secondary Abilities: (Agility, a Strong Mind, Quick Thinking, Finesse with a Particular Tool/Weapon, etc…)Weakness: (Everyone has one, this is a must (But if you meta-game this information against other characters, it is punishable if not fixed))Personality: (How does your character think and feel?)Biography: (Background time. Detailed biographies are welcome!)Empty Profile:Name:Species:Gender:Faction:Appearance:Weapons:Mask:Power:Secondary Abilities:Weakness:Personality:Biography:

Name: GarettSpecies: Swervarian RahkshiGender: MaleFaction: ResearchersAppearance: Garett is blue with green hands and feet. His left arm is a mixture of black, brown, blue, and green.Weapons: His staff, which is in the shape of Levrahk's.Mask: NonePower: Teleportation, and his left arm allows him power over Quick Healing. Although with the teleportation scrambler in place around the island, he seems to only be able to teleport a few Bio at a time.Secondary Abilities: Being a Rahkshi of Teleportation, Garett is very quick to take in a situation and act. He also has trained himself to find the weak points of a being or object and is very skilled with his staff.Weakness: While quick thinking and fairly strong, Garett often refuses to kill anything, and as such his blows are not normally as hurtful as they could be.Personality: Almost like a fun uncle, Garett seems to speak with wisdom even other Swervarian Rahkshi don't have.Biography: Hailing from the Island of Avoidance, Garett is about his father's work in tidying up what he can while he can. He is also searching for his father. When he found out about the Insomniac Group early in its forming, he joined, and has climbed the ladder to become the official head of the expedition. But as of the moment, he leads the Researches on towards their main objective even though some members resent the fact that he is a Rahkshi.Name: JanxSpecies: Swervarian RahkshiGender: MaleFaction: HuntersAppearance: Janx is sand yellow metallic with black hands and feet. His left arm is normal, since he has not unlocked/discovered his secondary ability.Weapons: His two whips can connect to form his staff. When in staff form, the whips can elongate into ropes.Mask: NonePower: Rahi ControlSecondary Abilities: Not only does Janx control Rahi, but he knows them. He can almost tell what a Rahi will or won't do. And almost what they're thinking.Weakness: Janx has a hard time battling elements.Personality: Janx is enthusiastic about Rahi and not much else. He will converse with you, but the subject will quickly turn to RahiBiography: Created after Garett, he has been mentored by the older Rahkshi. As such, he joined Garett in the Insomniac Group when he heard of an unstudied Rahi species. Due to his expertise on the subject, he now leads the Hunters. Why he is no longer talking with Garett or Sirel is a mystery even he can't answer. Proving himself before, the other Hunters respect him as leader even though he is a Rahkshi.Name: SirelSpecies: ToaGender: FemaleFaction: ForfeitersAppearance: Sirel has a dull white body with light blue armor and is shorter than most Toa.Weapons: A Rhotuka Launcher attached to her left arm. It can fold in on itself so as to not hinder movement. Power of Rhotuka: Temporary Intangibility (The Rhotuka is intangible, allowing it to fly through solid objects, then it rapidly becomes solid and sharp enough to cut through nearly any substance). And an Ice Gun, but instead of an Ice Pick, it wields a bayonet. It is balanced and easily used as a makeshift sword or gun.Mask: Elemental EnergyPower: IceSecondary Abilities: Sirel is agile with quick reflexes, and has a cunning intelligence.Weakness: Her lack of strength does not help in a physical fight.Personality: Cold and calculating, she always gets to the point.Biography: Unfortunately for the Insomniac Group, her background check never happened and she went on to form her own small faction. Her goal being to get what she can from this island. She leads the Forfeiters and realizes a boat needs to be made, but she is more concerned with what she can get out of Dreamland.Name: UnknownSpecies: Unknown (Nicknamed: Rhak)Gender: Unknown (Probably Male)Faction: NoneAppearance: Standing on two legs, the only Rhak ever seen is twice the height of a Matoran. Its tail is stiff and strong for balance. It has two shorter arms compared to its back legs. The arms don’t quite reach the ground, but can lash out or handle "equipment" if needed. It is all gray with natural bone-like armor on its head, back, the outside of its legs and arms, and the top of its tail. It is definitely reptilian looking and it has piercing yellow eyes. Its tail is apparently sharp, and its teeth are almost as long as the claws on its "hands" and feet.Weapons: Its teeth, claws, and tailMask: Unknown (Probably None)Power: Unknown (No power was shown when it rampaged except perhaps limited invulnerability)Secondary Abilities: It appears they have unordinary intelligence. But that can't be proved by just one sighting.Weakness: Unknown (Hopefully Many)Personality: Vicious, and apparently hungry for those who get in its way.Biography: Nothing is known about where the Rhaks came from or if they were on the island before the Matoran arrived, or even their real name. The only thing known is that they are mad at the intrusion by the Insomniac Group, and yet so far only one Rhak has made a halfhearted attack that sent the Insomniac Group in an unprepared frenzy when it turned out that it couldn’t be injured.

OOC: Ok, Parugi, we both know I opened up a can of confusing with this battle. So just let me know if there's anything wrong with this. This isn't your average battle. IC / Arena Control Room / Fighting the Virus: That’s the thing about quarantines, they needed to encompass the entire program to shut it down, and he was accessing the hard drive from each wire and cable that was connected to it. Swerv grinned as he let the wolf knock him to the ground, along with taking out his breath. The things claws ripped into his armor, but he withheld a cry of pain and ignored the drool that dropped down onto his mask, after all, this was for show, he was not actually caught. What one could do when in a quarantine, now that it seemed to be attacking him and surrounding only him, was to desperately try to escape. But Swerv was never actually trapped. He just switched which cable he was sending commands and code into. Now that he did, he essentially registered as a new user and was able to catch the unaware virus by surprise and trap its now vulnerable quarantine. Unfortunately the only way to do that was to embed a little code after network connection 37’s extensive list of commands to cut it off from all transmissions to the other parts of the system, essentially coding the connection into a dead end that could no longer be accessed, not even by Swerv. This was probably for the best, as then the Virus trapped inside could not call for help or even be helped. But the Virus would also be alive on the system as long as it was not formatted. These actions of coding caused Swerv to dissolve under the wolf’s grip and reappear a short distance away. The Wolf instantly jumped to its feet and raced towards the Toa. Swerv swung his staff diagonally up into the large tube above generator 37, which housed the cables that ran power up to the antenna above, and cut right through it. The hollow pipe slid down due to the weight from above and perfectly fell right over the wolf’s head as it tried to get at Swerv. The tube continued to force itself down over the wolf and Swerv sliced at the thing’s legs as it tried to squirm away. With the tube covering down over the wolf’s shoulders, Swerv took his staff and jammed it into the heart of generator 37. A second later, generator 37, along with the pipe running up to the now non-existent antenna, and the Virus wolf, were gone, with no proof to their existence. Swerv glanced up at the fog of darkness that had gathered after he had been in the room for awhile. Now where was that Skakdi?

Dark MirrorPrelude. Wait, did Takanuva just think, 'Takanuva hovered in space for a long moment. He wondered what...'? I think that "Takanuva hovered in space for a long moment" should be taken out of the quotation marks. Unless, of course, Takanuva refers to himself in the third person. Current Situation. "...only to worry of they would be taken over again" I think that should be changed. "Karzhinni answered tha call..." can be changed as well. "...by sending his matiran slaves to..." as well as that. Ugh, sorry, lots of typos. And I see more, so I will stop pointing them out and just stick with the story.Ok, so Makuta wrecks everything in the alternate universe and beings settle into factions for this power struggle. I must say that this is not enough to entice me to play the RPG. But that isn't the whole RPG, so bear with me.Districts. If Metru-Nui was converted into 3 districts and the Coliseum has its own district... wouldn't that make it four districts?District 1. Ok, I don't see why the Ta-Matoran would even want to go to Ga-Metru, but I'm assuming their "craft" is no longer forging weapons and masks and disks, because I'm sure they do that best and would not need the Ga-Matoran to teach them. And creating Rahkshi shells? What do you mean by Artificial Rahkshi? Are they robots? Are the transformed Kraata somehow given sentience? Where are you getting all the energized protodermis to transform them?District 2. Whoa. Po-Matoran are not good with creating technology. Unless they have all mentally changed, I would say the labs of the Ga-Matoran, or the Knowledge Towers of the Ko-Matoran, or even the Foundries of the Ta-Matoran would be a better place for weapons and technologies to be invented. I'm saying that, as a whole, Po-Matoran aren't normally inventors, which you make them sound like.District 3. Research of prosthetics? Entire, deadly robots exist. Why would they be finally researching prosthetics? Everyone already has prosthetics. LMDF... What is that?Factions. So what were the Districts? Because it seems that all of that information won't apply here. As in, how do the Ta-Matoran go to Ga-Metru when most of it is under Pohatu's Legion's control? I'm guessing the most important labs would be near the central hub, away from Ta-Metru. Aaaand it's all a big rock paper scissors. Makes it fair, I guess, if a bit dull.Profiles. These look good. I like seeing Weakness as a field.Rules. These are a little weak. And only half of them are actually rules. Although I have nothing against the "Have Fun!" rule.Overall, this RPG could be much better. Just keep working at it. This idea has a lot of potential.Good luck in the contest!

Yeah, and I haven't exactly won a contest yet.

Levacius, I wasn't reviewing any other RPGs because I took the time to read yours. The War of Elementum-Nui 2 - The Shadow WarsHoo boy, you know a RPG is long when it starts with a table of contents instead of a cool looking banner. (That's right, I'm picking on you)Ok, my Preface. I must say that either you or I have changed, because I disliked how long the first Elementum-Nui was, but I found myself loving reading through this RPG. This island definately has a history, and you can feel it throughout the descriptions of it (Along with the actual written history of it XD). Unfotunately, I found some typos, and I don't seem to be able to find them all again.The history. Well, that just about sets up everything perfectly. If you ignore the length and instead focus on the spectacular descriptions, you will find that this allows the creation of definately well thought out and fleshed out story. Along with giving players a better grasp of where they will be playing.Rules. You definately make sure people don't abuse NPCs. I like this. And it's a nice break from the heavy story that was just handed to us. Although when you say all other canon elements are banned, I don't know what you mean by that. Of course someone who knows more about Bionicle than I do probably would. And families. Thank you for that, I hate it when people say Matoran have fathers and mothers.Combat. "All other matters equal". Um... Typo?The Plague. Very nice. There are enough different and unique types that this enemy doesn't feel like some zombie horde.The Map. Uh... I don't mean to put you down, but I can not read that map.The Locations. Oh Bob the Locations. All I can say is that while I dropped out of the first game, the descriptions of these locations cause me to want to play this second RPG.Factions. They all make sense and you describe them better than I could hope to. I know I want to join several of them just because of the certain way you describe them. But for the Earth tribe, at the end it goes "This group prefers to", and then nothing. I believe it got cut off.The plagued stats almost made me back away, but I realized after reading them that they are needed. And making a faction seems well made as well and it's really neat that NPCs will begin to flock to you. The character sheet is well rounded and I like how the biography has to be 50+ words. Now, about the armor, is that added on to the armor Toa (or other beings) naturally have? I'm guessing so, but you made it seem as if no armor means no protection whatsoever, so I wasn't sure.Faction Relations. A nice addition.Rules for co-GMs. This is a cool little addition.Overall, I wish it wasn't so large so that I could review it more in depth. But doesn't really matter. Actually, I find this RPG so well constructed and full of everything that makes Bionicle, Bionicle, that I pledge right now, that if it wins, I will try once again to play on Elementum-Nui. It is easily worth three other RPGs that are up right now, and yet it only takes up two posts. XDGood luck (getting others to read all of it) in the contest!

IC / Arena Control Room / Fighting the Virus:A big bad wolfie appearing in the middle of the room was not the best of things to happen when one was still being chased by a crazy Skakdi. Swerv could barely hear what the Wolf Man said over the generators that littered the room. The one closest to Swerv, which he pressed up against, getting out of the line of sight of the Virus, read “Antenna 11”.So these generators powered the antennas that allowed this computer to communicate wirelessly with the Day Run mainframe. Well, at least to Swerv’s mind they did. Really it was just a slice of code, but his imagination made it otherwise.Swerv could hear the wolf thing slobbering and lightly growling over the generators as it approached. No, wait. Swerv strained to listen but was interrupted as the Skakdi appeared in the doorway, from where Swerv could still be seen.Raising his arm and trying to electrocute the Skakdi did nothing, and then Swerv realized he had envisioned himself as a normal Toa. Trying to trap the Skakdi in stone proved worthless as well as Swerv realized he had no powers to utilize, only his staff and his skill.But hopefully this meant the Virus had no means of elemental attack. He wouldn’t wait to find out. Ducking behind another generator and heading deeper into the room revealed that it was much larger than he had originally thought. As he passed an opening between two generators, Swerv swore he saw the Wolf Guy suddenly turn in his direction. That was just creepy.But he had a hunch. Even over the generators, he had heard the wolfie growling and a faint gurgling coming from above. Coolant didn’t gurgle constantly, but water mostly did. If Swerv could find a water pipe to break open, he could flood the room and let the many generators electrify the water, hopefully killing the Virus apparitions.The only problem was getting out of the room without electrocuting himself. Ok, that was one problem. He still had to find a water pipe, if there was any. And he had to avoid Virus #1 and #2. So, really, there were many problems to deal with at the moment.Swerv began to move again. The Virus wolf being had seemed quicker than the Skakdi when following Swerv, but not engaging him. Both seemed to be very quick when they wanted to be, which was basically when they were attacking, but didn’t seem to be when pursuing him, which didn’t make much sense. He guessed this was now their home turf. Where could he, the intruder, go to that they didn’t know of?Swerv’s eyes widened in realization as the smell of grease entered his nose, could he be tracked by smell as well?

So basically Swerv is working from the computer and the entire battle with the Skakdi, the wolfman and Swerv is a narrative way of shwoing what's happening? How does he plan to purge the virus if he's isolating the computer and not working through the mainframe? :3

Wooo quote waaar.Quote war rawr!

Clarification: Your original post where he entered the mainframe confused me, as you assumed. I have edited my response -- where the electricity attacked Swerv's body -- to show that I misinterpreted what you said.Oooooh. Ok then. Yeah it's all clear in my head at least. This just goes to show just how confused I am about what you're actually doing. You said that Swerv's essence entered the mainframe; that implied, to me, that Swerv had 'possessed' the system, so to speak, like he does with his robotic body, therefore actually putting himself into the computer and essentially making him part of the program. Like TRON. Only voluntarily.Oh, yeah that's sort of what I meant. Great now I'm confused as well.So I'm still really confused. It now sounds like Swerv is both inside of the computer and outside of it. If I'm interpreting what you're saying correctly now, and all he is actually doing is using the keyboard as a medium and is not actually inside of the mainframe, then the virus's response would have been exactly what happened with the other engineers: Blowing up the computer he's using.Ok, let me see. There is the Day Run Mainframe. There is the Ehjoras' Computer. And there is the Keyboard.Swerv entered the Keyboard, and traced the wires back to the Computer. He knows that he can't handle the virus in the Mainframe, as it would be too powerful. Instead, he decides to access the Computer and shut if off from the rest of the Virus in the Mainframe. How he does this is that his essence wraps around the hard drive of the Computer and accesses it. This is almost comparable to using a keyboard on a computer. That is only a metaphor.Really he is accessing the data with part of his mind from outside where the virus is. So part of Swerv's mind is accessing the raw Computer Code and trying to rid it of the Virus. This battle of coding and hacking is being relayed to us as a literal battle where Swerv is fighting the virus, but that is just in Swerv's mind's eye. Or you can say he's imagining it for the sake of me not knowing how to write a computer coding/hacking war against a virus.You underestimate me. :3Well, if you had a good enough reason, I would sacrifice one of my characters for your awesome story.Anyway, this ties in with my confusion about what is going on with Swerv's mind. If an animal drives out another animal from its nest and takes over said nest, does that not make the nest the terrain of the intruder? That's what I'm referring to. With the virus inhabiting, as you said, the Day Run mainframe, it considers the entire DR computer network to be its territory, regardless of how heavily its keeping an eye on each area. My other point, which is moot if this isn't the case, is that if Swerv is actually mentally there, then the virus would, indeed, be able to harm him. I think it's been spelled out at this point that this "computer virus" isn't a typical virus.Yeah some dumb monster virus that wants to kill us all. But now that I think about it, your den idea does seem better than what I said. And the most the virus could do is electrocute Swerv, which would only give him a bad headache or a really bad headache. I think I explained it better up there why he wouldn't be hurt. Now to see what you think of it.K.KK.... by this one. :3 http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/fear.gifIndeed. And blow up a computer.Agony might want to back up Swerv's body along with Ehjoras then.Considering my vast confusion at this point... I'd rather not. :3I was just asking because I didn't want to create a room too much to Swerv's advantage.Indeed. Especially with Hollywood logic, artistic license of the workings of computers, and rule of cool in place. 8DOh yeah! http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/cool.png

Frankly... yes, it did. Changed.Um... Is this directed at me? Because if it is then I have no clue what you're saying, sorry. Swerv's still putting himself in danger. It's already been established, in canon, that minds can be destroyed, and you essentially just digitized Swerv's mind.Yes, I realized minds can be destroyed, which is really the only way to kill Swerv. And I don't really understand what you mean when you say I "just digitized Swerv's mind". His mind is still his mind, just like when he's controlling his robotic body. How I view it is that he's basically accessing the computer with a keyboard, except he's actually directly accessing it in the hardware so that he can purge the virus from the system whereas if he used the keyboard he wouldn't get anywhere. Swerv is basically "typing" away furiously, but he sees it as this battle. That was what I was trying to say in my IC.You don't think something this weird -- and powerful judging from everything it's managed to do -- isn't going to be able to have some lasting effect on you if you're entering its terrain?Actually, because of what I just described above and what I will be describing below, I do believe that Swerv will walk away without permanent damage. (But that's also because I know you won't kill my character ) And I see it as the Virus inhabiting the computer, not that it's the Virus's terrain, if you understand what I mean? Like the systems are corrupted, yes, but Swerv can still use the basics of the systems that must be kept in place lest those systems are destroyed and therefore not corrupted.Not to mention, electricity, like other energy, can destroy Makuta essence.I actually did not know that. But Swerv's essence is like a Makuta's, not actually a Makuta's. Swerv's essence is actually microscopic pieces of an unknown crystal that is not affected by much of anything. Ok, by not affected much, I mean the crystals won't be destroyed, not that Swerv won't feel mental pain.Now remember what happened to Eryn when she connected?Yes, she was corrupted instantly, but she, while highly inteligent, is still just an AI. Whereas Swerv can't be "infected".I'd say there's plenty electricity at its disposal inside of the computer network. Where Swerv's essence is. :3*cringes* Yes that might cause Swerv to aquire quite a headache. XD*reads rest of Swerv IC*You realize Eryn was trying to connect with the network when she got zapped, right? Ha ha! No I didn't! Lol, what have I done to you, Swerv? But now he's basically trapped. Hey, did you want to describe the rooms or should I?And just so you know, just because it's my opinion, doesn't mean it's an informed opinion. I'm basically making this up as I go along (Not the stuff about Swerv, but about the whole computer situation). So I know that in all probability I could be entirely wrong.

OOC: Parugi, I believe you misunderstand. Swerv's robotic body is not physically touching the computer. Swerv's essense, almost like a Makuta, went into the console. So literally his mind went into the mainframe. The worst that could happen to Swerv is that he gets a headache and is forced to leave the computer. Or at least that's how I see it.IC / Arena Control Room / Fighting the Virus Inside the Mainframe: Swerv frowned in disgust before pulling back from the doorway. The Skakdi’s weapon harmlessly hit the doorframe, but did slice through quite a bit of metal. Swerv gulped as he backed up towards another room. He knew he would find no cover in this hallway. Glancing above the door as he entered, he saw it read “Network”. Hopefully there wasn’t another apparition of the Virus to attack him in here. Or if there was, Swerv sure hoped they stayed in their individual rooms, where they affected that system. It sure was hard to see with normal eyes once again. Swerv’s neck was growing tired as he endless swiveled it.

Yes, you can. If you couldn't, half of the RPGs posted would look like they were half finished compared to when you are able to use reviews to make your RPG even better. I know I probably wouldn't have gotten so many votes in the past if I was stuck with my first draft that I posted for an RPG.Although if you change the name of the RPG then you need to inform Black Six.

OOC: Ok, Parugi, I know in the Night Run, they hacked the system using visual dots in a maze. Keep that in mind as you read this and let me know if this works. If not, then I can change it. But if it is ok, then I wouldn't mind you giving Swerv an opponent. But an easy one, this is the first of a few rooms. IC / Day Run / Arena Control Room:“Well,” Swerv said as he made a physical inspection of Eryn’s old body, “As you can probably guess, if the speakers remain uninfected with the virus, then I can use them to jam the airways. But I think plan B is in order first.”Swerv unplugged himself from the robot body and walked over to the computer Ehjoras was at, “You said you needed a single system that wasn’t infected, right?”The Pha-Matoran nodded and began to say something, but Swerv interrupted with, “I’ll see what I can do. Watch my body, Agony isn’t fully programmed, not enough memory space.”With that, Swerv’s essence floated out from a compartment that opened in his chin. The purple mist that was actually Swerv floated down to the console that Ehjoras had been working on a moment before. Swerv floated down into the keyboard and quickly traced the various wires inside to the hard drive, where he entered the mainframe of the computer system.Now, like how he was in control of his robot body, he was in control of the console. Well, that was definitely a false statement. The hard drive was chaos, and all the systems were confused and repurposed.In his mind’s eye, he could see the computer laid out before him as a series of rooms, almost as if he were playing one of those video graphic games. But unlike those games, this “boss”, the virus, would kill beings if not forced out of this computer. And seeing how it had destroyed Eryn so quickly, Swerv knew that he could only hope to drive the virus out, not defeat it.The question was, how? Gripping the staff that he had given himself in his mind’s eye, Swerv walked up to the first room, which was labled, “Audio”, and quickly peeked in. It was in that instant in which he peeked inside the room that he realized that in his mind’s eye, he was still a normal “flesh and blood” Toa. That was good to know. He was still a Toa at heart. But what was in the room brought him back to “reality” quickly.

IC / Day Run / Arena Control Room: Swerv sighed, “Everything can be jammed, you just need the right method. In this case we would need to flood every frequency with white noise, enough so that the nano-bots can’t “hear” their instructions. And believe me, I can scan all frequencies, even if I can’t decrypt them.” Shaking his head, Swerv continued, “And please don’t tell me you somehow managed to add a memory chip, to a nano-bot, so big that it could harbor anything besides essential programming. Because if the nano-bot’s themselves have enough memory to harbor the virus, individually, and without losing some of the programming that allows them to function normally, then we will have a bigger mess on our hands than we do now. “Anyway, how are the speakers for the Arena doing?”

OOC: It's not like describing it won't help, so why not?IC / Day Run / Arena Control Room:“You may have tried,” Swerv said as he opened up a compartment on his chest and looked for something, “But you tried with the bugged out computer system, I meant an outside jammer.”The yellow robot pulled out a small memory stick and mumbled “sorry” to Eryn before hitting the lifeless, robotic body with the tiniest fraction of his EMP before inserting his memory stick into one of her ports. As the systems began to come online once again after the small EMP, the program on the memory stick began to purge Eryn’s body’s system of everything before anything could respond, since it wasn’t capable of eradicating the virus itself, and definitely not in a head on fight.Basically it wiped all latent memory and all the programs installed. The only thing left intact was the hard drive and the coding for reinstalling the operating system, which might still be bugged. As he hooked up his cables to the now repurposed robot, Swerv asked Ehjoras, “Are the frequencies broadcasted from here? If not, do you have any amplifiers lying around?”Swerv paused a moment as he took control of the robot before him. It came online under his control and got to its feet. And only his control, he was not letting it even power itself in case some untouched remnant of the virus remained locked in the hard drive. “There,” the former Toa said, “This robot is now a giant frequency jammer. If we have to cut off the frequency from around those nano-bots instead of just from this booth, then I will need those amplifiers. If that doesn’t work, I have plan B.”