Cederak

I see exactly where Velox is coming from on this. My time in comedies lasted a total of one week back in 2006. And I've never looked back mostly because I became disillusioned with the idea of script after my brief time there. On the occasions I have chosen to poke my head in on what the comedy writers are doing, I can see that the only thing that's changed in six years is that they have a new handful of characters to work with. The rampancy of emoticons and slapstick humor fit for seven years olds doesn't land for many audiences and it's easy to see why.Script in itself is not the problem, rather, the problem is connected to the execution of script by writers that either are not up to the challenge of articulating the details of scenery and characters or are merely not challenging themselves. At one time in history, all stories were comedies or tragedies. If the protagonist lives, comedy. If not, tragedy. For BZPower, all Comedies seems to invite is, "If you don't think you're up to writing a legitimate piece of work and you know how to click smiley faces and place them in a post, come on in." That is not comedy, that is a mockery of humor and script alike.Perhaps if Comedies were to be eliminated, we could eliminate the presentation of such poor writing. If people feel pushed to strive for better, they will. As products of an environment that demands better, I believe the quality of their work will improve. I am not asking for the end of script here on BZPower, only the end of all the less-than-mediocre drivel thrown in a blender with more emoticons and memes than necessary. If the execution of the BZPower comedy improves, so too will its reputation among many writers who choose to frequent only Epics and Short Stories. And why do those writers not venture into Comedies? Because Comedies is not a place to find a good joke for many. It is the joke, something to be laughed at, not with. I cannot be the first person to consider calling its validity into question, but who is to blame? I think I have an answer.This is a matter of individual responsibility. If the comedy writers could step back, really examine their work and ask, "Is this my best? Could I do better? Could my delivery of humor be something superior, even if I continue to use script but abandon the emoticons and childish humor?" don't you think many would respond with a "yes"? BZPower exists within the constraints of appealing to a certain audience, and there are certain themes that, though funny for some, are simply off limits on the forums. And yet we have this wide range of wit to be explored, this untapped reservoir that could very well start a revolution among the Comedies forums.It all starts with addressing that there is a problem. Once more, that problem stems from poor implementation of writing and, moreover, humor. If you can present a comedy of a caliber that can stand eye to eye with some of the best epics and short stories on BZPower, whether it is full of emoticons and slapstick humor, whether it is script or prose, or even manages to employ perfect grammar throughout, I invite you to write that story. Because the fact of the matter is that comedy is not a lower form of writing, it is not a lower form of entertainment or artistry - it is merely executed as such far too often.-Ced

I did a MOC similar to this some years back with Meta Ridley from the Metroid Prime series. Having at least seen Skyrim from over the shoulder of friends who play, this is a rather faithful recreation. Fantastic job.-Ced

Each Barraki came from a different species, but they were never designated in the official storyline. There has never been any mention of them accessing Kanohi powers.-Ced

Hello, tent163phantoka, here is your official ECC review. I think the first step you might want to take with this epic is the aesthetic one, by which I mean spacing out your chapter. Any dialogue should be spaced and have its own line separate from others. It just looks nicer that way. That said, I'll cover the errors I found. Now, there were games about to be broadcast all over Spherus Magna soon. The first event was an approximately 80.2 kio dash.I must know, why are you apologizing to a few of the best writers I've ever seen on this site? You're giving them credit for your inspiration, do you not think your work compares to what they did? Don't answer that. Since this is a critique, and I'm allowed to throw my opinion around like confetti at a party, I'll give you my answer. I think you asked for a review far too early. I think the use of so little description has made your intro feel very hollow, not to mention your use of a human name (possibly a human character I assume?) adding to the ambiguity of this story.I'm not sure if you're serious or if this is intended to be some sort of multi-post comedy. My instinct is telling me it's the latter, but correct me if I'm wrong. There's not much I can say about your plot. The execution of a single idea like starting an Olympic game seems to simple for me to comment on substantially. I want to stress, however, that you need to pay a lot more attention to detail. I've said this to many writers, using canon characters is never an excuse to skip defining their colors, their attitudes, their feelings, etc. And why someone named Roger is spending time on Spherus Magna is really beyond me. If my comedy theory was correct though, he probably doesn't require an explanation as the idea of a human just showing up amongst biomechs is supposed to be a touch of humor in itself.So that's it. I easily doubled what you've written thus far, which brings me back to another earlier point: know when to ask for a request. You hadn't given any thought to letting other readers skim your work, you hadn't even waited to make a second post. Completely ignoring the fact that the ECC requires an appeal request to be made for multiple reviews of the same work (please read the ECC first post for more details), the bigger point that this story has a terribly vacant feel to it remains a problem in itself. Please take this critique into consideration as you continue writing, be it here, in short stories, comedies, CoT, or elsewhere on the internet or in life.This is one of those rare times where I don't feel I should make a mention of keeping up the good work. In fact, I feel I would be lying to you if I said that. So I'm going to tell you something else. Probably not what you want to hear, but something you need to hear. Writing is not an overnight business. Writing is practice, writing is a demand to keep going, to keep rewriting, grinding through more erasers or making more presses of the backspace button than you can possibly remember. Writing is a mountain to be climbed, a storm to be reckoned, an ocean to be respected. And even if you reach the summit, survive the tempest, master the seas, the work is never done. There is good writing and bad writing, no perfect writing exists. So I implore you to keep climbing, keep fighting, keep swimming - keep striving to achieve good writing.-Ced

Here is your review, tent163phantoka. Thank you, once again. I'll PM you some information. We don't want this becoming public knowledge just yet.-Ced

To those of you interested in following the epic version of this, but don't often check the epic sub-forum, I wanted to note that it is out now. I hope you enjoy it.-Ced

All right, I'll be handling your request personally. Thank you for choosing the ECC! -Ced

Writer CederakHey guys, if you have some time, could you please take this request? Thanks!Scourge - Cederak-CedSSCC Co-Curator CederakYes, we can handle that right now, actually. I'll be assigning it to Zaxvo. Thank you for choosing the SSCC, Ced, we hope to see you again! -CedWriter CederakAll right, awesome! And you'll definitely be seeing more of me, you guys always do such amazing work with your critiques.-CedSSCC Co-Curator CederakWell, we certainly try our best. -Ced(I have a feeling I'm going to spend the next couple months convincing some people I don't have dissociative identity disorder.)

Thank you for your reviews The Smoke Monster, fishers64, And Aderia! I'm actually not sure what Specter is, although your guess certainly checks out, minus the killing. I imagined him being part of a species with very powerful abilities, as displayed during the course of the story.I think "world" works. Karda Nui is "the world that feeds the world" and we even have a book on the MU titled Bionicle World. I've used them interchangeably in reference to the MU many times before. I'll level with you though: my use of the word "Planetary" is a bit of a misnomer for the MU. Tekulo's advice makes sense to me, to a point. His reference to changing an opening and ending - within the boundaries of a story where the character changes - is a good idea. The problem is that Specter doesn't change at all in Scourge. He enters as the same entity that departs. I wanted that consistency to reflect his life/job description, with an aside at the end. I'm not sure if I'll revisit Specter. He was certainly fun for this, but unless I find myself with enough free time to give this little universe an epic, this is probably it for him. This doesn't tie into Cenotaphs though - just kinda wanted to run that by everyone, to prevent any confusion down the road. I'm holding you to that. Once again, thank you all for reviewing this. I really appreciate it.-Ced

Decided to glance at the BS01 MU timeline. The Toa/DH War events are placed at 3,000. This is further supported by Hakann's account of the war during Legacy of Evil being mentioned as "roughly 3,000 years ago."-Ced

I can't tell you how long I've been meaning to read this. And I mean that literally - I've completely lost track of how many times I've loaded up the epic's page and found myself busy with/distracted by something else before I could even begin. You'd be surprised how mesmerizing shiny objects can be. Anyway, it looks like Zarayna and I caught some of the same mistakes while reading, so I'll just run through the ones he missed. Nothing too serious, I assure you.Part 1 “And when I became a Toa, I promised myself that wouldn’t be me.Part 5 She threw her elbow up,Part 6 The location of Artakha? His companion's words bit into him sharply.From your description of Faux's current events, this epic would appear to take place approximately three millennia before the Great Cataclysm, if memory serves correct. Which means, canon-wise, the location of Artakha (as mentioned in the minor error above) is still knowledge to some, even if they don't know its exact position. Or if the location of Artakha has truly been lost already, then the Dark Hunter conflict in Metru Nui is one entirely concocted by you. I'm not sure how close you follow canon and I suppose it doesn't matter much since we're all free to build our own versions and variants, it was just something I noticed. I used to frequent S&T quite a bit before becoming the writer I am now, so some of that instinct still follows me around. At first, I was very curious if Evior could create Kraata, being similar to the Makuta. After seeing the toll using small amounts of their power take on him, combined with the fact that Makuta had a hard enough time making Kraata before becoming pure energy, I would assume Evior would die before completing the process if it were even possible. Evior is an interesting character, to say the least. Deprivation of interaction with society can really mess with someone's psyche when they're finally thrown into the "outside world," and that certainly shows in him.What really struck a chord was the first mention of "Faux Ducha." Suddenly, not only did the title make sense, but my tendency to read into things excessively suddenly lit up. My "Writing Spidey-Sense," if you will. Much like how Ducha is a shell of a Toa being handled by others, the same could be said of Evior (in a sense) being a shell of a Makuta, directed by his superiors. The mantra, nay, the demand and expectation of perfection is an instrument, and Evior is it's player. From a physical aspect, Ducha and Evior exist, but they are merely artificial in their own ways.I enjoyed the interactions of your characters overall though. Through the interrogations, the dialogue between the stronghold Toa (did the stronghold have a name?), and the dialogue between Evior and the other agents, the characters all retain a sense of realism to their speech. I've seen enough of your work by this point to know your descriptive prowess is excellent. As your boss, that's actually my job in a way. The overarching idea that a large-scale plot all relies on the success of maintaining the Ducha façade really interests me, and I'm relieved to see the action shifts between characters. I don't think Evior alone at the helm would seem quite as exciting to read about. It's not something I can fault you for, Evior's story makes him almost intrinsically a shell, as I stated before. He works well in that role, even going so far as to have a moment of crisis to debate the premise of perfection with himself and suffering an internal conflict over a nihilistic view of the world because of how he lives his life. Meanwhile, the Toa are full of character, full of a wide range of emotions that, though limited in Evior by his choosing, they are unafraid to show. This is epitomized in Inéha and she seems like the most dynamic character of the bunch. Which is my way of saying I really like her.I think it's fair to say you just got an ECC-sized review without the official seal of approval at the top. That wasn't my intention at the start, but since I'm presently involved in two separate critic clubs, it's clear that I am a product of my environment in that respect. It's been a little over seven months since I last read an epic from you and while I truly liked that one, I can safely say your writing abilities have improved in that interim. Wonderful work, Aderia. -Ced

"...And you have every right to be scared." -Fun. Episode 02: A Chance Reflection I spent that first day with Rovaius and his gang in silence. They would exchange commentary with one another now and again, but keeping their attention on the Kikanalo was their main priority. Each of the biomechs would glance around every few minutes or so, but Trylac, the insectoid Dectraz, did so rather frequently. Whether they were making sure no one was following or that they were on the correct route, I didn't have it in me to ask. After all, one of their members shot and killed my boss that morning. In time, the scent of fresh air that permeated the southern fields was replaced by the faint stench of smoke. The sun was long gone when we finally stopped, but I actually had something to talk about. The biomechs dismounted and their Kikanalo were tied safely to a couple sturdy trees. It was a warm night, and I had no reservations about sleeping out in the open, beneath the starry skies. Barraki Takadox's armies were nowhere to be seen and few Rahi seemed to wander the area. "Rovaius," I started softly, "can you smell smoke?" Rovaius sat down next to a tree and leaned his head back against it, cradling a rifle in his arms. "We're not far southwest of Mount Valmai. That's probably where it's coming from. Now get some sleep, Adrinor. We have another long day ahead of us tomorrow." I laughed. "Riding these Kikanalo? Seems a little primitive, don't you think?" "This whole region is primitive," Rovaius said. "Takadox has hardly done anything with his part of the Southern Continent, ignoring it in favor of other lands. The simplicity of this land is beautiful, really, but there's no hope for growth or serious industry here. In these less inhabited areas, finding swift transport isn't always an easy task. I'd rather not hijack a Mahi carrier that has half the top speed of a Kikanalo." Stalgrax propped himself against the opposite side of Rovaius' tree, and Trylac climbed the branches, vanishing among the leaves in the dark. Eerily, I could spot the glow of his ruby eyes from the ground. Elendra had opted to sleep in a patch of grass, and I decided to do the same. For having done nothing but ride a Kikanalo for most of the day, I was surprisingly exhausted. I shut my eyes and dozed off shortly afterward. When sleep came quickly for me, it was often a dreamless affair, and that night was no exception. The swirling blackness of sleep was accompanied by the ambience of midnight insects chirping and chattering to one another - it was serenity. The calm of my slumber was disturbed abruptly, however, when I started hearing voices. They were difficult to discern at first and I tried to conceal the fact that I was awake. Keeping my eyes closed, I listened to a hushed conversation. "We're really doing this?" Elendra asked angrily. "If you don't want to accept Adrinor, you don't have to," Rovaius growled. "I have made my decision." "This is dangerous," Trylac said in a harsh tone. "Adrinor is too inexperienced. He will weaken us and put our lives at greater risk." "Once upon a time, Trylac, so did you," Rovaius replied. "Remember, you were all untested when I met you. When I look at Adrinor, I can see a younger version of myself - a naïve biomech wanting nothing more than to escape his simple life. I invited each of you into this group over the years because you were like Adrinor…because the life you had been offered wasn't good enough. I am beginning to think you have forgotten a time when you were developing and afraid to kill." No one spoke for a couple moments, and I was fearful that they realized I was awake. Attempting to remain completely still, I waited for someone to continue the discussion. "I think this argument has been resolved," Rovaius said confidently. "Adrinor will not become an expert of our craft overnight, but it's clear that none of you have any evidence to suggest his training would be any more risky than when each of you joined." It was after Rovaius' seemingly certain victory that Stalgrax finally spoke. When he did, he uttered a single word I was entirely unfamiliar with. I wasn't sure at first if it was a swear word in another language, but Stalgrax's tone suggested it was very negative. "Trivolox." This silenced the group for much longer than what Rovaius had said, and I could only imagine what was going through their minds. What could 'Trivolox' possibly mean and why did it quiet a roving gang of criminals so easily? "Okay then," Rovaius said, sounding defeated this time. "If that's what you think, Stalgrax, then you might as well put a bullet through Adrinor's head right now." "I just think"- "Your attitude is justified," Rovaius interrupted, "but everyone's situation is special. Now if we're finished, I'm going back to sleep." "Yes," Stalgrax grumbled, "if only for a few more hours." That was the end of it. Everyone returned to sleep and I revisited my dreamless state until a clawed hand shook me awake. "We're going," the voice breathed. I rapidly blinked my eyes and glanced up. The skies were still relatively dark, but the sun would be joining us in a couple hours. Trylac's glowing eyes were staring into mine, and one of his powerful arms was outstretched towards me. I took the clawed hand and he got me to my feet. I would have thanked him, but Trylac hurried off to untie his Kikanalo. I walked up to Elendra and watched her climb atop her Rahi. "Sleep well?" Elendra asked, making no attempt to hide her indifference on the matter. "Yeah, pretty much," I replied, hopping onto the back of the Kikanalo. "Any chance I can get a straight answer about where we're going?" Stalgrax glanced at Rovaius, receiving a nod. The Nohtalian strode toward me then, rifle in tow. He held it away from himself and pointed just over the kneeling Kikanalo's head, holding the rifle by the stock. "You see that waterway?" I stared out past the plains, scanning for any sign of water. As I squinted, I could make out a waterway near the edge of a lush, massive forest. "I can see it." "That is the Tren Krom River," Stalgrax said. "Just beyond it lies a dense woodland area the local Matoran refer to as the Green Belt." "Don't you mean 'lays a dense woodland area,' Stalgrax?" Trylac said, half smirking at the Nohtalian. Stalgrax glared at him. "If your shooting matched your grammar, Adrinor could outgun you." Rovaius and Elendra chuckled at this, and even Trylac cracked a bitter smile. Stalgrax then turned his attention back to me. "So here's the deal. Navigating the forest is troublesome, so we'll be following the river east until we reach a small town. It's a sleepy little place named Marilea. Your Matoran friend didn't have a lot to hand over, so we'll be making a withdrawal in Marilea." "You're going to kill more innocents?" I asked, already anticipating the answer. "Not if they follow the instructions they're given," Elendra replied. "But if the law shows up, well…" Stalgrax trailed off, chuckling to himself. "Get on that Kikanalo, Adrinor. You've got quite a day ahead of yourself. And the rest of us have another day ahead of ourselves." "Yes, if the Great Spirit actually listened, I might thank him that I remain alive," Rovaius said to Stalgrax with a laugh. We rode east for several hours, catching the sunrise right around the time I anticipated. With the light of dawn, I could see Mount Valmai in the distance and the extent of denseness the Green Belt truly possessed. I must have stared at Valmai for some time, because Elendra finally smacked my leg a couple times and glanced over her shoulder at me. "Never seen a volcano before?" "Nope. I only lived on Meldio before coming to Kinatra," I said. "I heard there were volcanoes south of Meldio, on islands like Artidax, but this is my first glimpse of one." "You should spend less time gawking and more time cleaning the dust off your weapon," Elendra suggested. "A rifle is like a close friend. If you treat it well, it'll return the favor…usually." I pulled the rifle from my back and studied it, blowing on the side of the barrel. I watched Elendra open a magnetic compartment attached to her hip and pull a small cloth from it. She held it out in my general direction while she kept her eyes ahead. I took the cloth and started wiping down my weapon. "Thanks," I said with a smile. "Just keep that rifle clean," Elendra replied harshly. "And…don't mention it." That was as close to "you're welcome" as I was getting. As I diligently cleaned off the work that months of particles managed to accomplish, I couldn't help but think about Torema. This was his rifle, purchased from a Xian traveler years ago. It was a shame he didn't take better care of it and odd considering the amount he paid. He probably kept it looking beautiful at first, but with nothing to shoot that required such power, it became untouched and forgotten as the years went by. Our ride continued up into midmorning, when a small town came into view. The quaintness of the area, with its wooden buildings reminded me of Kinatra. Greenish plains surrounded the town and a small lake could be seen nearby. This was Marilea. Rovaius led the gang into Marilea, garnering a few waves on the way to our destination. The locals clearly had no idea who we were, but were apparently accustomed to the sight of Kikanalo riders. After a minute or so, Rovaius got his Rahi to slow its pace and come to a halt outside a small power plant facility. The others stopped their Kikanalo as well, dismounting with Rovaius. The gang tied up their Rahi to the railing outside the facility and we casually strolled across the street to a building whose sign read "Marilea Investments." We were about to rob a bank and I knew I was the only one on edge about it. Rovaius took the lead and I realized Trylac was gone. "Come with me, Adrinor. You're getting a front row seat," Rovaius said excitedly. We stepped inside and I watched Stalgrax and Elendra separate themselves from Rovaius and I immediately. I tried not to pay them too much attention and decided to focus on Rovaius instead. He smiled at the Ta-Matoran guard, giving a short wave as we continued to the desk. We walked another nine or ten steps and I could feel myself becoming lightheaded. The Ga-Matoran at the desk grinned at Rovaius and he returned the expression. "How are you doing this morning?" Rovaius asked, trying to conceal the general roughness his voice typically carried. "Wonderful, thank you for asking," she said. "Are you making a withdrawal or a deposit?" Rovaius smirked at me for a second or so and I nearly blurted out a warning to the Ga-Matoran teller. Instead, I was silent as he leaned forward on the desk, letting his arm rest on it as he spoke very closely to the Ga-Matoran. "Well, that really depends," he started, his voice hushed, and returning to its usual gruff quality. "You see, I noticed the violet in your eyes behind that Kanohi Mahiki you've got. I suppose you could say I have a soft spot for violet eyes." The Ga-Matoran was slowly losing her smile and I tried to look as natural as possible. I didn't need a mirror to know I was doing a poor job - my nerves had gotten the best of me as I listened to Rovaius draw out his intentions. He glanced at the tiny nameplate on the desk and looked back to the Ga-Matoran. "Look, Myelor, I want to tell you a couple things. If you look far enough behind us, you can see that a sniper has his rifle trained on your head. Don't stare too long, he may get suspicious. I would hate to see those precious violet eyes of yours go dark in an instant." Rovaius seemed so well versed in taking things, it was almost disgusting to watch. He was treating crime as an art form and—though I hated to admit it—he was talented. "Second," Rovaius continued, "the two biomechs we walked in with are not here to set up an account with the sack of money they have. But they're talking with your co-worker about the details anyway, because that's the plan. Now, here's where things get complicated. You asked me whether or not I was making a deposit or a withdrawal." Rovaius faintly chuckled for a moment. I was sure the Ta-Matoran guard was wary by this point, but I didn't dare look over my shoulder at him. "I need you to fill a bag larger than the one my friends are carrying, and I need it full of money. If you can do this quickly, quietly, and calmly, that will be the end of my transaction. You can go about your day and when you're home in bed, you can think back on the lovely morning minutes you spent with an interesting character." "Maybe I"- "Quiet," Rovaius growled at me, never looking away from Myelor. "This isn't an interactive lesson, so hold still and watch." His smile returned as he stared into Myelor's eyes. "I apologize for my companion here. He's still learning, and lucky you, you're playing a role in his experience today. Regarding my final point, though, if you draw too much attention while retrieving my money, I will be making a deposit. I'll undoubtedly have to shoot and kill the guard on my way out, but if you do anything to make his job easier, so help me, I'll deposit so many rounds into your head, they'll be finding Kanohi Mahiki shards in the floor for the next month." "I'll…I'll get right on it," Myelor whispered, fear pouring out of her voice. Rovaius stood upright, withdrawing a bit from the desk as he said, "Thank you." He turned to face me and his expression became serious. "Stalgrax and Elendra will be leaving through the window with our money and Trylac will be keeping an eye out for the law. Your interactive lesson will begin when Myelor comes back with a nice full bag. You'll be killing the Ta-Matoran guard." My nerves suddenly tensed up and I froze on the spot. "He's just doing his job and"- "He'll be doing his job pretty well if he starts shooting before you," Rovaius said, disrupting my argument. "I'll intervene if he manages to…incapacitate you, but you had better look like you're making an effort before that happens. A town this size means the law will be here a couple minutes after the first shots go off. We need to be leaving by the time they arrive, understood?" "Okay, I got it," I said reluctantly. Rovaius offered me a smile and pat my shoulder a couple times. "Good luck, Adrinor." Myelor returned with a heavy bag that she was nearly dragging from behind the counter. I wanted to lend her a hand, but I had a feeling Rovaius would be against it. Without warning though, Rovaius lunged over the counter and shouted, "Now!" I whirled around just in time to watch Stalgrax whip his rifle from his back and fire it off through the ceiling. "Everybody get down!" he demanded. Elendra shot out the window's glass and the two leapt into the street, taking off for their Kikanalo. I pulled the laser rifle from my back and realized I was an open target for the Ta-Matoran guard. I hurdled the counter and fell next to Rovaius, watching him hold his ill-gotten money. Myelor took my arrival as an opportunity and scurried off to join her fellow tellers in the far corner. "Now or never, Adrinor," Rovaius said. "Drop the money and put your hands up!" the guard hollered at us. I loaded a laser shell into my weapon and waited a couple seconds. I didn't need a fully charged shell to kill a Matoran, but I needed to be faster than him. I immediately regretted not examining the guard's weapon when we walked in, but it only took a couple seconds for me to recall that Rovaius had time to check when he was greeting the Ta-Matoran. "What is the guard carrying?" I asked. "An energy pistol at the side, likely a dozen rounds in the clip. He also had a Kanoka launcher with what I think was either a shrink disk or a weaken disk. All I know is that the second digit was a three. I'm not as certain of what ability corresponds to a Kanoka's second number as Stalgrax. Look at it this way, Adrinor. If you're fast enough, my lack of Kanoka familiarity won't be a problem." "Yeah…" I trailed off uncertainly. The laser rifle was charged and I took a deep breath. I crawled to the end of the counter, rolling into sight and taking aim at the Ta-Matoran. "He's over there!" one of the tellers shouted to the Matoran guard. The guard redirected his attention from Rovaius' position to mine, holding the energy pistol in both hands. Without hesitation, I fired my weapon, blasting a hole in the Matoran of fire's left shoulder. He dropped the pistol in agony, falling to the floor. Rovaius must've been listening carefully, because he suddenly dashed from behind the counter and raced out the door with the bag of money. I was still feeling the shock of intentionally harming another biomech and my reaction time was incredibly low. This gave the guard the time he needed to pick up his pistol with his right hand and draw it at me. I knew that if I didn't react soon enough, this would be the end of my very short journey. On occasion, local biomechs might mention in passing a crazy ranch worker who let his boss get killed only to be gunned down a day later in a bank robbery. I wasn't going to let that become my fate. I dropped the dead shell out of my rifle and caught it, hurling the metallic cylinder at the guard. It struck him hard in the mask and I dove for him, clutching the hand that held the energy pistol. "Not fast enough," I snarled, stomping my foot onto his wounded shoulder. The Matoran screamed out in pain and I took advantage of the moment by tearing the pistol from his grasp. My hand shaking, I pressed the weapon to his crimson Kanohi Miru and stared into his fear-stricken, glowing lemon eyes. "I don't want to die," he whispered, pleading for his life. I shut my eyes tight, on the verge of fainting. Finally, I looked into his horrified face and frowned. "Neither do I." To this day, I'm not really sure what happened after that. Rovaius said he came back and pulled me off the Ta-Matoran's corpse, forcing me to release the pistol. I vaguely recall being thrown behind Elendra on her Kikanalo and the distant sound of gunfire. Rovaius sounded urgent about hurrying north, but my only visual memory is of my laser rifle. As the Kikanalo galloped across the plains, I just remember staring into the weapon's glossy stock, staring at my reflection. There was no emotion to be found, short of feeling stunned anyway. I had killed a biomech and hadn't taken any pleasure in it. I had also willingly aided in a theft, which checked off the second of two qualifications that made me a full-fledged piraka. I knew then that my freedom would come at the price of ending the lives of biomechs who lived in law-abiding conformity. But in due time, I would learn freedom had a way of requesting more unusual payments as well. Review

If not for the tail, this MOC reminds me a lot of a Vortixx. Very cool design all around though.-Ced

Positive TradesFriend of Fire: Quick trade, very straightforward, no problems.alifie: Very understanding about delivery time and underestimation of shipping price. Great trade.Mask Collector: Two trades. Took a little while to receive payments, but eventually arrived. Trustworthy, if nothing else.Negative TradesNONE-Ced

Weird. It's telling me that the gallery isn't public yet. Did you change something?-Ced

Assigned to Yukiko. Thank you for choosing the ECC, Toa of Dancing. -Ced

MILCOM Transcript N.293-7-840 by Emile A239 has been reviewed. Thank you for choosing the SSCC. -Ced

Hello, Emile A239, here is your official SSCC review. I don't think I've ever encountered a short story here written in script form. And with only a few errors of note. enthusiastic “See you later, kids. *a few grenades explode*I read through this story four times and skimmed it a fifth time, because I wanted to feel the action as you intended it. This may actually be one of the least enjoyable short stories I've ever encountered. Not in the whole library, per se, as I'm sure there are plenty of bombs that get posted that I never have time to read, but just in my experience on BZP. So let's run through the faults I encountered and I'll work on the fixing parts later.First off, why is a Bionicle-based story using Earth months? Or a human word like "kids" that has no place (or definition, really) in a place like Spherus Magna? At least, I assume that's the planet this all takes place on. If not for the mention of "New Atero" in the opening, I would've assumed this was some kind of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare story (with more explosions than a Michael Bay film) that belongs in COT. Actually, because your mention of New Atero is so casual, I had a hard time reminding myself not to picture these were humans in combat, despite how that image kept coming up.And then there's everything the script fails to explain. Like, who or what are these soldiers fighting? Are the soldiers even Glatorian and/or Agori? What are Spirits and what do they look like? I'm not concerned with the answers to those questions now. I would've liked them to be in your story, not in the inevitable reply this critique is sure to get. As a rule, if you think you'll have to explain something later, just describe it in the story. As a writer, you're only as confined as you think you are.It's hard to get a sense of your characters in this script. Mostly because they all feel like clichés in a war movie or, as I mentioned prior, a war video game. Either way, I think you wanted them to be more believable than they are. You want me to believe they are the task force for the job, but here's the problem: I believe that you believe you. And that's not enough. They have the military jargon, and some of the classic attitudes (the fearless leader, the trigger happy grunt, the detail-oriented joker, etc.), but just because you can talk the talk, doesn't mean you can walk the walk. And these guys need to learn to crawl first.A writer is an entertainer of sorts, for several minutes or several days depending on how long it takes to read through the material, it is the job of a writer to connect with the audience. On one hand, we can debate the sanctity of creative freedom and why an artist should stay true to their work, never compromising for what others want, but there's a line. I feel that being adamant about your work is earned, not granted. From the entertainment perspective, you need to develop enough of an audience to be able to earn a style that works. Since you seem to merely be experimenting here, I don't want to outright deter you from doing another script, but at the same time, that's precisely what I want. Again, I'll come back to this.In my personal list of do's and don'ts as a writer, all caps in words is something I retired a while back. It has been said a good writer doesn't need italics. I'm not there yet, but I've moved beyond all caps words. With the right description, with the right detail, your words will speak for themselves as strongly in lowercase as they would all capitalized. Mainly because caps lock in writing like this just comes off as very, very unprofessional.So now we get to the fixing part I promised you. I've seen some of your earlier work and for the sake of this critique, let's compare that work to an egg and we'll call this story an egg sandwich. There was a lack of depth in terms of character, detail, and plot there, so it's as if you haven't quite gotten the hang of cooking an egg and now you're trying to jump straight into making an egg sandwich. You still need to know how to make an egg, but now there's a great deal more to be done so that your work is…proficient, shall we say?I guess what I've been building up to is how you need to slow down, really step back and look at your work and make sure the flow matches how you're imagining it. I saw your previous work, I saw potential there, but I think this script idea is you biting off more than you can chew right now. That's not to say I don’t commend a little experimenting with writing, but you have to be willing to own up and say, "this isn't my best work" when you know it's true. Don't think I haven't been there before, I have. A lot. This writing thing, it's a game of practice makes better, not perfect. Writing isn't about perfect, it's about creating a style that allows you and your audience to synchronize with one another so both sides experience the same thing. So if nothing else, I hope you've gained experience from this, from me, and from yourself. Pace yourself, and keep at it.-Ced

You must be the only one experiencing that problem. I'm still being taken to the page with the Mata Nui Robot and stuff.-Ced

Hey, a more super-version of my favorite windflyer! And he has a heartlight, very cool.-Ced

I sometimes wondered what it would look like if a Bohrok fell into EP and came out as something even more powerful. This MOC seems to be the perfect answer. Really sweet blade hands too.-Ced

Most Toa designs can't handle the Rode without it looking out of place, but this works perfectly. Very inventive with the limb designs as well. I like it.-Ced

Why is the Tesseract not trans-blue!? I know that piece already exists and Lego should have put it in this set.-Ced

Happy Birthday, Timoteo!-Ced