Cederak

Pridak's shark tooth blades (as well as the same pieces included with Lesovikk, Hydraxon, and probably others) are really cool looking. The worst is definitely the Squid Launchers. Never a guarantee you would make a good shot every time.-Ced

Happy Birthday Dimensioneer!-Ced

Thanks for the reviews everyone! Really appreciate the feedback. @Ballom: I agree that Adrinor can feel a little contradictory in these first few chapters. This is my first go at handling a character in first person, so dealing with his reactions and emotions is different for me than it was with third person. He's also a more different character than I've ever done, so this is uncharted territory in many aspects. Glad to hear you'll be back. @GSR: See Ballom response. And thanks regarding the gang's dialogue. I really wanted them to stand out, particularly Rovaius. I've come to like him quite a bit. And yes, there's plenty more twists along the way.@fishers64: I took some of your editing advice. Thank you for that. In regard to Adrinor wanting freedom, I would say it could be a dream or an ideal. I'm reminded of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, which was also in regards to freedom. A tad different, true, just something that came to mind. Anyway, with the epic pretty much entirely written out, just I wanted to let readers know the exact year Cenotaphs is taking place. The League is just background music to the more important story being told. And who's to say Cenotaphs ends with the League?-Ced

I thought about pointing that out when people were bashing Comedies for being slapstick and about cheap jokes - "ibrow's Comedy was so bad at that I thought it was an epic and that he was just posting it in the Comedies forum to get all the replies in the same topic". :PYes, that was one of my unspectacular noob moments. If I haven't done so already, I owe you an apology for that one. I'm glad you were able to take something out of that, though.That aside, negative/constructive comments do exist - I've taken a few. I did remember, however, that one comedy got a bunch of negative reviews and Hahli Husky came in and said "You are not allowed to post all-negative reviews in the Library." Since then, I've tried to look for potential in even the worst bits - sometimes I see that they have a great idea and don't know how to develop it, and I say so. On the reverse side of the coin, I tend not to rip it up unless I see the errors the first time through or I can't enjoy what I'm reading. I don't see much point in being overtly negative, because bashing for the sake of bashing doesn't really help, cases in point above. Ugh, that was the Curse You Greg series. I lost proto because of that, which taught me a bit of what not to do when "reviewing". Although one thing I noticed after losing the proto was that my comedies suddenly started getting more views and a bit more comments, which was odd. And then other members who lost proto in the incident started talking to me like we were the rebels fighting the empire in Star Wars.To be on-topic, indeed being overly negative isn't great, and when I do encounter a comedy that I would truly consider bad, if I have to review it, I tread extremely carefully, because a new writer's dreams can be crushed with one flick if you dare to try. I have given my share of bad reviews, however.Now I have a question for you all: Do you tend to have your interest captured by more traditional Short Stories/Comedies/Epics, or do you often find yourself looking at more experimental stories?-ibrowShould a competent critic let something like worrying a new writer will be "crushed" by a review concern them? A strong critique covers the best of a fine piece and puts a spotlight on it. Inversely, the same should happen with a poor piece of writing and worst of it. So long as you have reasons to support your views, solutions for improvement, and alternative ideas for executing ideas, you've done your part as a critic.Any writer that is dedicated to their craft, even the new ones, may be deterred by a negative reaction to a piece, but there's always an opportunity to study a story's shortcomings and improve. It's like fortifying a castle's defenses after the enemy has used a specific technique to break through. A writer must learn from past mistakes. A critic must also learn from past mistakes so that they will only produce positive reviews or negative reviews, but never bad ones.I'm not sure about your question though. I've enjoyed many stories that go off into what I would consider "experimental" directions and those that are more "traditional" with canon characters and things of that nature. Can't say I like one more than the other.-Ced

"No one knows what it's like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man...behind blue eyes." -The Who Episode 03: The King of Six Kingdoms My actions in Marilea had left me in something of a trance until late in the afternoon. I recalled the sweet-smelling gas coming from my rifle, a toxic fume that could kill you if inhaled for too long. I could remember the Ta-Matoran guard and whispering the last words he would ever hear. After that, I only had fragmented memories. Someone screamed. It could've been me, maybe even the Ta-Matoran, but it was probably a teller. "You all right?" Rovaius' gruff voice forced me out of my daydreaming and I glanced up at him. I was the only one still sitting on a Kikanalo. "Is killing always so difficult?" "No," Rovaius said flatly. "It's your first kill," Trylac added. "The first of anything is always exciting…even if the excitement is terrifying." "So it gets easier?" I asked, stepping down off the Rahi. "Entirely," Trylac said. "The first kill is always a tenuous business. Second kill makes you think about the first kill. Third kill makes you think about the first two. It goes on like that until you reach a dozen or so. After that, they all start to feel the same. The faces change and the locations might too, but it becomes familiar and almost automatic. You can only wear your compassion so thin before you stop caring who was in your sights." "You raise a good point, Trylac," Rovaius noted. "I can't honestly tell you how many biomechs I've killed." "It sounds like you just become unfeeling," I said, a bit of contempt escaping my voice. "We are murderers, Adrinor," Trylac coldly reminded me. "Empathizing with your enemies can be more dangerous than attempting to kill them. There are enough dead Toa to prove that much." "I suppose there are," I agreed. I looked at the sky and realized sundown was coming in about four hours. "Hey, where are we?" "North of the Tren Krom River," Elendra replied. "This is Barraki Mantax's realm and, unfortunately for us, he is rather distrusting of his fellow warlords. Any lands controlled by Mantax are often guarded near the sea gates by well-armored soldiers." "But like any competent thieves, we know what we're doing," Rovaius said. "Our Kikanalo will be serving as a distraction for us to board a freighter headed to Xia. They smash through some cargo and we sneak aboard." "You're just going to leave them?" I asked. "We found them south of Kinatra," Stalgrax replied. "We've actually spent more time with them than we've known you." "They respond to you as though they've been trained," I said skeptically. "That's because they have been trained, but I'll let you guess how we found them," Stalgrax said, holding his grin at me. "Don't dwell on that; we need to be going." We continued along the plains for another hour or so until a massive harbor came into sight. Colossal freighters of gray and black were being loaded with cargo crates, labeled with destinations I had never known of. Towering cranes stacked the crates and the biomechs at the controls were constantly working to keep a steady pace. The water surrounding the pier was a mixture of turquoise and a sickly green, appearing much less clean than the lake near Marilea. I seemed to recall the Tren Krom River being a similar shade to this, but my eyes had mostly been upon my rifle when we crossed. "Beryl Harbor," Elendra laughed. Stalgrax glanced at me with what was becoming his usual smirk. "Can you tell they named it before the shipping industry arrived?" I said nothing, giving him a brief smile to show I appreciated his sarcasm. The gang halted their Kikanalo and Rovaius leapt from his Rahi. "It'll be a few minutes' walk from here, but security doesn't look too tight today," Rovaius muttered, staring out at the harbor. "Trylac, I want you to get ready." Trylac silently took a few steps away from the group, making odd clicking noises in the process. Meanwhile, Stalgrax untied their bags of money from the Kikanalo and handed one off to Elendra. "Okay, Trylac will be just behind us," Rovaius said, probably more to me than anyone else. "We move as a team, and you follow my lead." He walked over to Trylac and pulled the sniper rifle from his back, peering through the sniper scope down toward the harbor. It only took a few seconds before Rovaius shouted, "Found one! We've got a ticket to Xia!" He returned the rifle to Trylac's back and walked ahead of us. "We don't stop unless I say so, Adrinor." Rovaius took a few deep breaths and suddenly took off running for the harbor. Even from so far away, there were plenty of buildings and large cargo crates to hide around. I took off after him, managing to keep up with Elendra and Stalgrax. We weren't sprinting, but it was comforting to know I could maintain their jogging speed. I looked over my shoulder at Trylac who had opened his mouth wide, his mandibles separating further and further. He then lurched himself forward, and I thought I heard something. The sound I picked up lasted for a fraction of a second (if I wasn't actually hearing an object on the harbor), but the Kikanalo responded to it without delay. Trylac was using a frequency almost outside my range of hearing, allowing him to manipulate the Kikanalo. The Rahi started charging for the harbor and I watched as the beasts ran recklessly to the water. It wasn't long before the Kikanalo sped past us, moving with unprecedented speed now that they lacked passengers. Glancing further back, I could see Trylac was dashing after us. I didn't want to waste precious breath asking Rovaius what the Kikanalo were supposed to hit and—as I thought about it—I figured only Trylac really knew. The Dectraz finally caught up with us, four insectoid wings extended as he bolted over the grass, starting to hover after a moment. I hadn't paid enough attention to realize Trylac possessed wings, but I was suddenly very curious to know how capable they were. I remembered my own advice on saving breath and decided to save the question for later. The Kikanalo smashed their way through several cargo crates just before we made it to the harbor, knocking a Vortixx into the air in the process. There was enough of a time lapse between that event and our arrival that the soldiers could gain some distance from their posts and we could sneak by. Rovaius and his gang did this for a living and their execution was flawless. The guards fought to calm the Kikanalo and prevent any further damage and we boarded the stairway to a freighter heading north to Xia. Many of the olive and rust colored crates were labeled with the word "Xia" somewhere on them, and they were easily the size of three Kikanalo. Rovaius ran for a nearby cargo crate and pulled the handles down, opening the doorway. "In here," he growled, motioning us to follow. We crept inside the crate, with only the bottom half containing three large energy generators of some kind. I sat atop a round sphere in the center of the middle generator and watched Trylac seal us into absolute darkness. "So…" I started. "Why Xia?" I listened as Rovaius fumbled with a small bag at his side and heard a metallic object connect with his hand. "This is why." He clicked part of the object and it exploded with light. A silvery, yellow orb rested in his hand, radiating power. "South of your home of Meldin is a place called Suizek. The local biomech scientists were working on a more compact way to power war mechs for Barraki Takadox. Commonly, a battle mech designed for one user comes with a heavy battery pack attached to the back. This can be a serious disadvantage if the enemy can strafe behind you. And so this was designed to be kept inside the armor and more difficult to damage or destroy." "That's incredible," I whispered, marveling at the orb. Rovaius smiled. "Yes it is. If the scientists who worked on this device were correct, it can produce more energy in its lifetime than the combined power of the three generators we're sitting on." I grinned. "So we're going to sell it in Xia?" Rovaius frowned before deactivating the mechanism, plunging us back into the dark. "When we met, I spoke against being able to call all the shots." "Yeah, I remember. Your group works for someone in Xia then?" "Barraki Pridak," Rovaius replied proudly. "No," I uttered in disbelief, almost laughing. "Pridak would never allow you to do this! He would have you destroyed for stealing from him and killing his soldiers!" "Keep your voice down, the guards will be returning soon," Rovaius growled. "And Pridak only asks us to be on our 'best behavior' when visiting islands under his jurisdiction. Outside his realm, we are free. In return for overlooking the chaos we bring to his brethren, we have agreed to work with Pridak to support his supremacy. His leadership is an informal title, but I would rather have Pridak in charge than any other Barraki." I wasn't in the mood to argue the matter with Rovaius. "Okay then. So what do we do until we arrive in Xia?" "Well," Rovaius sighed, thinking to himself, "we won't reach Xia for another twelve hours, and we're all rather sleep deprived at the moment. I think I'll be putting my efforts toward catching up on that. However you choose to spend the next dozen hours, just try to stay quiet." "I can manage that," I replied, leaning back against the crate's wall. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and I was beginning to feel the effects. There was no way to tell how long I stayed awake in the crate, but I'm fairly certain that I slept for most of the journey. We finally got a rude awakening when a crane scooped up our crate and gently set us down on the southwestern Xian harbor. I squinted in the shadows, and I could hear one of the piraka attempting to unlock the internal latch. The latch clicked and Stalgrax gave a short laugh. "Got it!" He barely pushed the door open, checking to see if we were clear. The light was blinding at first, but my eyes adjusted after a few moments. "We're safe," Stalgrax said, leaving the crate and vanishing around the corner. Trylac and Elendra followed, while Rovaius remained behind me. I stepped out of the crate and nearly gagged, taking in a deep breath of awful fumes. I coughed several times as I adjusted to the smog in the air. Looking at the island's skyscrapers, I felt overwhelmed by a sickening feeling. Thick, dark clouds of noxious green formed around the atmosphere, only appearing to subside near the peak of a colossal mountain in the center of Xia. The distant sound of factory workers and machines hard at work rang through my audio receptors, and I watched smokestacks launch more harmful gases into the air over the island. Rovaius gently pushed me forward and I immediately remembered why I was there. I hurried after the others and stood at the entrance of a city more dedicated to industry than I had ever imagined. I could see a large fortress filled with guards a few blocks away. Unlike castles of gray stone and brick, the structure was designed to be contemporary with Xia, plated with walls of dark metal and sharp spires jutting skyward. A tower lay in the center, adorned with a massive banner. The banner had a circle on it, divided six ways into the colors blue, red, green, white, yellow, and black. At the circle’s center was a golden Kanohi Hau (representing Mata Nui’s will that the six outer colors control the universe). This was the infamous League symbol and the tower had to be Pridak's. I glanced at Rovaius to confirm my theory. "Are we heading for that tower?" "You and I will be, yes," Rovaius said. We watched as Trylac, Elendra, and Stalgrax strolled further down the street. "They'll be trading in our earnings for new weaponry and ammunition. You can't find finer weapons than the ones made right here in Xia. I'm sure one of them will be kind enough to purchase some new laser shells for you." I opened the tiny bag at my side. I only had five rounds left. "Yeah, that'd help." Rovaius and I walked side by side down the Xian streets, and I watched countless Vortixx go about their day. "They get angry if you stare," Rovaius said. "Especially the females." "Why do all the males seem so exhausted?" "The Vortixx are a matriarchal society," Rovaius replied. "Males are the working class, and are seen as inferior. Living so far from Xia, I'm sure the only Vortixx customers you received were female. Males only seem to leave this island to work on the freighters." I thought about it for a moment and Rovaius was right. Only Vortixx females ever came to the ranch and I wasn't ever curious enough to ask about the male population. "They must not care for Pridak much…" "Pridak isn't a Vortixx," Rovaius said. "He's surprisingly popular among the male and female Vortixx inhabitants. Of course, he spends much of his time on Xia up in his tower." Rovaius pointed at the banner hanging over the fortress. "He calls it Anxious Solitude." "Sounds nice," I said uncertainly. We finished the short walk up to the main gate and the guards opened the way for us ahead of time. "Morning," Rovaius greeted them cheerfully. "Does Pridak know about your guest, Rovaius?" one of the Vortixx guards asked. She was a thin, azure biomech wielding a long, black trident. Rovaius stopped in his tracks. "No, actually. This is Adrinor. I was going to have him checked in at the front desk. You're going to be seeing more of him in the future." She narrowed her eyes on me, pulling out a small communications device. "I'll be contacting the guards outside Pridak's chamber that you have a new ally with you this morning. We wouldn't want a mishap or anything." "Thank you," Rovaius replied, motioning me to follow him inside the fortress. The service desk was directly ahead, while a pair of staircases wrapped their way up along the sides. "Nice to see you again, Rovaius," the service clerk said, setting down a stack of tablets with a smile. He was a teal Vortixx, a bit short for his species considering his height rivaled my own. "And the same to you," Rovaius grinned. "This is Adrinor. I'll need to check him in as a new member of my team." "Naturally," the Vortixx laughed, pushing a few tablets off of a larger piece on the desk. He grabbed a carving tool and held it out at me. "I'll need your signature on this, and specify your species afterward." I stepped up to the desk and signed "Adrinor, Meldin" onto the tablet. "That should do it." He glanced down at where I signed and smiled. "Excellent. Pridak is in a fine mood this morning and I'm sure he has something lined up for you." "He always does," Rovaius said, heading up the left staircase. I followed him, taking a moment to examine the ornate carpeting that covered the stairs. The banister had a sleek obsidian finish and, as I ascended, I realized a massive chandelier hung in the middle of the high ceiling. Rovaius pressed a button to call down the elevator and the doorway opened in a flash. We walked inside and Rovaius pushed a button for the twentieth floor. He pulled out the energy core from its bag, holding it in his right hand. "What do you think he'll do with that thing?" I asked. "He'll make sure it's finished first, then he'll mass produce it, and then he'll sell it to the other Barraki at an inflated price," Rovaius said, almost as if he were simply explaining what he would do with it. "That's how the game works." "Are you saying the other Barraki employ gangs too?" "Would it surprise you that other teams are hired to steal technology from Pridak and his legions? The other Barraki would be foolish not to at least consider the idea." I smirked at Rovaius. "You're an interesting biomech all right. You seem very educated and not above etiquette when it helps you. I guess I always thought the bad guys would be…bad." Rovaius gave me a strange look. "I can assure you, we aren't all psychos that wreck towns and bury villages to blow off some steam. We don't all kill because we're bored, and we haven't all lost our tact. Bad is a viewpoint, a word that can be used like a hammer or a sword. It has great potential if used properly. In the end, though, there is rational thought and the promotion of our freedom and continuity, and the refusal of those ideals. To reject thought, to lose your freedom to unbridled passion, is absolute evil." The elevator opened and Rovaius strode into the hallway, passing several guards along the way. The Vortixx at the main gate clearly notified these soldiers, or I probably would have had a rifle at my head in seconds. The entire hallway was a bright white, with lights placed beneath glass cases in both the floor and ceiling. The walls were a glossy white, metallic and clean. The far door was built like the rest of the room, but in its center, a multitude of blue lights were glowing. The lights were a letter "P" and a clear display of Pridak's ego. A pair of guards simultaneously hit a button on each side of the wall, causing the doorway to slide open. Rovaius walked through without changing his pace and I awkwardly followed. Once inside, the doorway suddenly resealed and we were standing in a circular chamber with a long window on the opposite end. A large chair was placed in front of a desk—nearly the length of the window—that was full of tablets. A white, armored hand pushed a button and several lights flickered on over us. The chair spun around and its occupant rose slowly, smirking at Rovaius and me. "Good morning, Your Eminence," Rovaius greeted, marching up to the entity with an apparent sense of fulfillment. The Barraki smiled in return, intently eyeing the energy core. "Hello," Pridak breathed. Pridak was a tall, sturdy figure. His sheer stance radiated the power he commanded and I have to believe he was very aware of this. His armor was jet black and icy white, while his eyes were an intense, almost hypnotic sapphire. Extending down his back was a crimson cape, frayed at the ends. A white crest pointed backward atop his head, which appeared to be just as sharp as the katana at his hip. I watched Rovaius hand over the energy core and Pridak took it carefully. As he studied the power source, activating it, he muttered, "Are you going to introduce the new recruit?" Rovaius motioned me forward and I obeyed. Standing before Pridak was almost like standing before Mata Nui himself. This entity had been handpicked by the Great Spirit to preside over countless lands and, while he chose to conquer them, there was a brilliance and strength to his achievements that left me in awe. I smiled. "My name is Adrinor. It's an honor to meet you, Barraki Pridak." Pridak glanced up from the power source, shut it down, and looked into my eyes. "Load your rifle, Adrinor. I have a favor to ask." His voice was smooth and silky - carrying the same hypnotic quality as his eyes. It was a voice that could prattle on about anything and lull you to sleep not through boredom, but soothingly. I pulled the rifle from my back, turned the bolt handle, and listened to the laser shell hum. Pridak smirked at me and grabbed my shoulder armor, walking me across the room. He then drew his katana and held it aloft in Rovaius' direction. "Okay, Adrinor. I want you to shoot Rovaius...square in the heartlight." My mind was suddenly racing as I held the loaded weapon, staring down Rovaius. Nothing about Pridak suggested he was kidding, but Rovaius definitely looked nervous. The Nohtalian took a few careful steps backward, remaining silent as he stared me down. It was true that he had killed so many biomechs that he lost count, but I wasn't sure I could execute him. I looked over my shoulder at Pridak for guidance. His silent response was a sinister grin. "Pridak...what if I refuse?" "Refuse?" Pridak replied, stifling a laugh. He turned the katana toward my chest. "I do not take kindly to insubordination, Adrinor. You would do well to know that." My eyes went wide as I looked over the shimmering blade pointed at me. My attention returned to my rifle, but I was frozen, just like on the ranch. Rovaius had shown me a great kindness to spare my life, to invite me into his group, and to allow me to live my dream. I owed him my loyalty over Pridak. That thought gave me strength when I stared hard into the Barraki's eyes and defiantly whispered, "No. I won't kill him." "Are you sure about that?" Pridak asked, drawing the sword back in preparation to strike. Rovaius stood still on the other side of the room, cautiously fumbling with his own weapon. Whether he planned to save me from Pridak's ultimatum or save himself if I chose to carry out the Barraki's order, I was uncertain. I closed my eyes then, prepared to accept whatever came next. "I'm sure, Pridak. I'm sorry." I heard Pridak swiftly leap back before the sound of a blade cutting the air rang out through my audio receptors. It was so close, I was sure it would pierce me next. What came instead was the sound of a katana returning to its scabbard. I hesitantly opened my eyes and saw Pridak's head turned toward Rovaius. "You inspire quick devotion, Rovaius, I will give you that much." "Thank you, Your Eminence," Rovaius replied modestly, giving a short nod. Pridak whirled back to me, a wide grin plastered across his face. I fought the urge to shudder - he instantly reminded me of a shark. Pridak then pressed a button on my laser rifle, causing it to make a crunching sound before it ejected the charged shell through a compartment on the bottom. Pridak bent down and snatched up the shell, holding the charred black object at eye level with me. The cartridge's energy liquid had been vaporized and, by extension, wasted. "If you let a standard laser rifle hold a charge for several minutes, it will destroy the weapon. In most cases, it takes a hand with it too." Pridak casually let the empty cartridge drop to the floor. The metallic tube briefly clanged against the tile before rolling a short distance. "Have you ever been to Zakaz, Adrinor?" "I can't say I have," I confessed, picking up the dead cartridge. Pridak's demeanor while holding it managed to perfectly conceal how hot it remained and I instinctively let it fall back to the floor. "By this time next week, your answer will have changed," Pridak replied before momentarily reflecting on his words. "Unless you die on the way, of course." "I'm not planning on it," I replied coolly. "We seldom do," Pridak said. "On Zakaz, you will find a technologically sufficient land, due in no small part to the efforts of Barraki Ehlek. The native Skakdi are capable builders, but their intelligence leaves something to be desired. It is for this reason, and the fact that Ehlek's species lives off the coast of Zakaz, that he was granted control of the region. Ehlek was created as a water-breathing biomech, but his lofty role in the universe required that he accommodate himself to the surface. As such, he wears a device around his head that essentially works like a Kanohi Kaukau in reverse." "Must be awkward on the surface for him," I muttered. Pridak smirked. "You might think so, but Ehlek took time to sharpen his skills above water. He wanted to be sure the rest of us would not have a serious physical advantage over him, and he succeeded. You should hope your paths do not cross." I nodded slowly and watched Rovaius approach. "What do you need from Zakaz?" he asked. "Ehlek put a team of clever Skakdi together to build a prototype for a weapon that appears to absorb a massive amount of ambient energy and redistribute it as raw power. Even though a clever Skakdi is still a dullard by comparison to me, Ehlek's 'Hyper Burst Cannon' prototype was successful. I have received evidence that it is being quietly placed onboard a high-speed magnet train and sent across the island tomorrow afternoon." "That leaves us plenty of time to reach Zakaz," Rovaius smiled. "Yes," Pridak agreed, "and the secretary down at the front desk will have the funds for your tickets. I had not anticipated Adrinor in your company, but getting a little extra for his ticket is no issue. You may hitch a boat ride with my soldiers out to Zakaz, but they will go no further than the dock." "Typical," Rovaius said casually. "What is the train's name that we'll be boarding?" "Ephemeral Wonder," Pridak groaned. "Ehlek came up with the pretentious title personally." Says the biomech who calls his fortress "Anxious Solitude." I thought to myself. Review

I had years to ask this question to Greg and, regrettably, I was never thinking about it when I was thinking about shooting him a PM. That said, what is the difference between the Rahkshi power of Heat Vision and Laser Vision?-Ced

See here.-Ced

Well, it's not the shortest thing I've reviewed today. I want to say first and foremost that I really liked your story; this was very immersive writing. I don't believe I've encountered any of your prior work, but if this was any indication, I may need to go searching for it.There were , however, a few things that stood out as unexplained. I suppose it can be assumed the disk Lekii considered a "prize" held some sort of importance beyond being a mere disk. Why go through all that trouble to infiltrate Destral otherwise? What I also didn't quite understand was the Kahgarak. Lekii waits for it to strike and when he removes his hands from his face, a traitorous Vortixx is standing before him. Is the Order member he refers to as a traitor a shapeshifter that most commonly takes the form of a Vortixx? Or did the Vortixx somehow silently command the Kahgarak not to attack and the Kahgarak is still standing there? That would make a little sense, considering the Makuta probably wouldn't be too pleased about a portal to the Zone of Darkness being opened inside Destral. Since the Makuta refers to the Order member as a Vortixx near the end though, I can only guess the Kahgarak was no longer of importance once the Order member appeared.I felt a little shortchanged with your "maniacal" Makuta at the end. At least, since this is Destral and there's a blatant shadow reference in there, I'll assume it's a Makuta from here on out. Your title in itself combined with the end result brought the film Reservoir Dogs to my mind. If you haven't seen it, there's a recurring theme of characters behaving as "professionals" or "psychos." Your Makuta's attitude of playing with a "specimen" like a child taking a magnifying glass to ants for amusement would make him more of the latter. That moment following the "blade neatly sliced through his arm" where the Makuta is taking some pleasure out of what he's seeing really completed the Reservoir Dogs semblance for me, in particular a scene that forever changed my mental association of the song "Stuck in the Middle with You."Anyway, I'm losing focus. Either the other Makuta really share the "maniacal" one's sense of humor, or they really don't care much for litter on their beach. In the short-term, the idea of the masks being arranged as you describe is a tad unnerving, but because you wrote the ending in present tense, I started to think about how that'd look to the Makuta after a while, regardless of how eerie it might be to their enemies.Despite my complaints, I want to reiterate that I really enjoyed this. Great work.-Ced

Thank you to all entrants of the Become an Epic Critic Contest. Our winners are GSR and #firstworldtyler.-Ced

Definitely Creeping in my Soul.-Ced

I read this story three times and each time I finished, the first thing that came to mind was, "Wow." Not the positive "Wow" either, mind you. And the reason I say that is because of the overwhelming amount of potential in the scene you set up. You have a Matoran victim, a monstrous killer, but zero suspense in your delivery. What can you tell me about the surroundings? Is this a colorful field the Ba-Matoran is running through? Is it sunny? Rainy? Midnight? I don't know because you didn't tell me.Also, why does the area turn cold? Did the weather shift? Did the monster do something in relation to weather control or does it have temperature shifting abilities?Now, here's where I had a serious issue: using Latin. I'm sure you're aware that within the Matoran Universe, there is a language of their own. Because Mata Nui is a giant robot, it's essentially a "coding language" of sorts. That is translated to English for our purposes because that's the native language of the Bionicle story writer. Even if we completely ignore that Latin is a dead language to begin with, that line still felt incredibly out of place. So for you to explain there's a message written on a mask, and then to give me that message in Latin, despite everything else short of your title being in English, is a confusing and unnecessary turn.Next issue, the description of the mask. I'm fairly sure the mask belonged to the Ba-Matoran, but from the way you wrote it, I'm not entirely sure. "Nightmarish" and "deathly" was your portrayal. If the mask belongs to the Ba-Matoran, I must ask, was he trying to scare others by wearing a frightening mask? The only other explanation is that the monster mysteriously left behind a creepy Kanohi for no apparent reason, unless it intends to scare others. Not that it would matter much since the monster proceeds to eat every Matoran in the vicinity anyway.I think I've covered enough of the hypothetical though. Your story suffers from a lack of detail and description, and I think you need to work on really bringing your ideas to life. Even your Ba-Matoran feels very hollow because all we get from him is a moment of sprinting before his untimely end. Writing is a business of sending a signal. What the writer envisions has to be transformed into words and taken down. Then the reader interprets those words and envisions something else. The signal passes through a few conduits in that process and when done competently, it retains the strength it had at the end of its journey in the reader's mind that it began with in the writer's mind.Your objective as a writer is to successfully transfer that signal, that vision of your work, through those channels and fascinate your readers the way your idea fascinated you. Good luck working at that.-Ced

Thanks for reviewing, fishers64. I decided to abandon that really spread out schedule, mostly because it was a placeholder while I wrapped up a couple incomplete episodes. I'm confident now that they'll be written and edited in time to start posting this on a weekly basis. And yes, I really wanted to improve upon parts from Outlaws that people said needed some touching up or explanation. Glad to hear you enjoyed it. -Ced

Man, you're really spitting out chapters at quite a rate, huh? Crazy Makuta plans and a Matoro ghost reference? I don't know where you're headed with all this, but it's engaging so far. Just a few spelling errors I noticed though.Chapter 1 Spelling: pointedChapter 2 Spelling: former Spelling: curiousChapter 3 Spelling: knockChapter 4.3 Don't you mean three (fire, water, stone)?It stands to reason that Teridax would have a contingency plan as convoluted as the one you postulated in this epic. Despite the shortcomings of some of your dialogue and lack of description, it's that iconic detail that Teridax places in his plans that really shines for this epic to me. The bit about Matoro really felt out of place, but I assume you're planning to revisit that as a plot point later on.Also, there's this meme going around under the name "Seems Legit." I'm not sure if you know it exists and you were parodying it, or this is purely coincidental. Either way, it made these lines unnecessarily funny to me. I liked the idea of the elemental Kraata (or Krahi as you refer to them), and they seem superior to the Rahkshi. Of course, I should also talk a bit about your main character, Vezidax. He's still trying to figure out the world around him after living in darkness for millennia. And now he's being thrown into the light of knowledge and of day. As he is right now, he feels one-dimensional, but there's plenty of opportunity for that to change as the story progresses.You're off to a decent start though. Keep at it.-Ced

I'm not sure if my enjoyment from the Avengers film is what drew me to your epic, but I can tell you must've liked it to be inspired enough to work that plot into the Bionicle world. I would recommend adding a link to your epic in the review topic and a review topic link in your epic, to make moving from one topic to the other a simpler transition. Also, I stumbled upon a few errors. Very simple ones, so it won't take long to clear them up. Word choice: drawn, not withdrawn Ending punctuation: Use a period instead Word choice: taken, not tookLesovikk leading a group known as G.U.A.R.D. and an immediate distress over the individuals he has to recruit? It's not exactly the movie, but I like this direction you're taking. I think it's fair to say Joss Whedon did an incredible job directing the Avengers and, on some level, you're capitalizing on that success to make this epic. On the other hand, your intentions could be purely innocent and you really want to retell a story you loved through a conduit of another story you love (Bionicle). Whatever the case, it's not too bad.Admittedly, Lesovikk's initial run-in with Karzahni and his sudden position of leadership with G.U.A.R.D. are far too sudden for my taste, and a little curious as well. Is he chosen for the position because Roodaka and Darkness know he can make the decision to kill an enemy if he has to? I guess I'm not really concerned about that. In fact, your cliff hanger ending really distracted from the faults this beginning might've had. I was surprisingly very interested in who your "Alliance" will turn out to be, and whether they'll share the chemistry that made the Avengers so fun and dynamic.I'll stop by again once you've gotten a bit more of this up. Nice work thus far.-Ced

The Library and General Discussion mostly.-Ced

I would like to congratulate resident SSCC critic Zarayna: The Quiet Light as the newest member of the Epic Critics Club. He will make another fine addition to our stellar team. -Ced

More often than not, I've enjoyed the look of the summer sets more than the winter ones.-Ced

The fact that the Bionicle comics had the DC logo on them, I think this is more than a little coincidental. Very cool find though.-Ced

I wasn't making a point about receiving few reviews. I was talking only about work that is passed over without anything. There has to be a reason that a story is simply passed over without absolutely any interaction from members. Replies may not reflect quality, but when no one thinks a story is worth saying a word about, that seems to suggest something is wrong. I'm not going to fault some writers because they have a small but loyal and/or active fanbase and that gets them more reviews.I'm sorry, but it's just my opinion. If my opinion of what I do and don't find funny "doesn't sit well" with you, I can't help that.Trust me when I say I've seen my fair share of short stories and epics with zero replies. They're out there, I know. But if the "exposure" their work receives from word of mouth, sigs, etc. isn't enough, that also can't be helped. I try to make an effort of reading (or at least skimming) most everything that comes through epics and short stories, even if I don't feel I have time to leave a legitimate comment.If you're willing to go out of your way to review stuff that is untouched by others, I think that's great. You're providing a wonderful service to the library and it's writers that way. Still, defending comedy work as you have, I have a hard time agreeing with you. Good writing still needs a good plot, and there is my problem with comedies. Even if the writing can stand on its own, the comedy just doesn't land for me and the plot often feels hollow or forced. And that's not something that can be changed, it's merely an opinion.-Ced

There is that. But that's stil no reason to outright say that Comedies overall is so awful that it should be removed. But I digress from what I was trying to say. xDI suppose it does count, though it was one that many people read, so then again... =P I generally don't count any of the critic clubs (not even the CCC, which I'm the head of), since they only review on request, and thus the reviewer usually hasn't gone out of their way to post beforehand. A long, complimentary review is always nice to get from the clubs -heck, any long review, to be honest- but I still don't count it fully as the author asked for it. -ibrowSuppose I won't quote your huge post either, as you had quite a bit to say. :PI'm still reading the wrong comedies? After so many glances for quality work, I'm expected to believe that it's a huge stroke of bad luck that I keep running across all these comedies that match the characteristics I mentioned above? What are the chances that, despite the comedies you've mentioned, there just aren't that many comedies that deviate from the emoticon-heavy formula?I've actually seen all of the comedies you've mentioned there. I have read parts of them and skimmed parts. What intrigued me later on was how many pages of responses they received, only to find a majority of the posts were not even constructive. I'm not a fan of using all caps for humor though, it doesn't appeal to me. And as for the material of those comedies, I can't make an argument on that matter too strongly because I'm diving into pure opinion when I say I just didn't find them funny. Simple as that, they weren't funny to me. It's interesting that you should bring up Tahu vs. Tahu, however, because that may be one of the only comedies I've glanced at that I would consider, as I put it, "of a caliber that can stand eye to eye with some of the best epics and short stories on BZPower."I can't help that comedy, alongside every other genre, is subjective. And my belief in Comedies alongside the epics and short stories is quite the opposite. I don't want it removed because I find it awful, I want it removed so the strong comedy writers will flourish among their epic and short story counterpart. I will only be "forced to watch" what comedies can stand on their own two feet among short stories and epics. The rest will be buried in the mediocrity and worse. You claim that you can't get replies in epics and short stories, but I get the feeling your answer lurks in the quality of that work. I can count on one hand how many of my short stories have gotten zero replies. During my early days on BZPower, before I could even be considered close to "elite" I got my replies because people responded to my work. They liked what they saw well enough to comment on it. And from that work, from pushing myself through a few stories that got nothing, I kept working at my craft, enhancing my writing skills. And now that I'm at a point where I feel my writing is adequate, you want to feed me this paradox where, because my early work got reviews and commentary, it was because I was "the highest of the highest?" Those first stories of mine paled in comparison to the short story and epic writers I respected, the "elite" of their time. There are newer writers in both forums these days that get their reviews because the work is good, they don't have a name or an "elite" image to back the quality of what they do. But guess what? The writing is good because they are good.Not every attempt is bound to be a winner, not every story is bound to get replies. If I knew the formula to garner responses to my work, I'd use it. But I don't know. I do the best I can with what I've got, and people generally like what they see. While you mentioned that you take time to step back and make sure you're giving your readers only the best, that's only part of the question I originally asked. Don't you think many writers of comedies (not just you) would say they aren't giving their best?And comedy is no harder to pull off than any other genre. If a chapter of an epic doesn't have that spark to it, if the immersion or the momentum is just gone and it stays that way for a chapter or two or three, I'm out. And chances are, a lot of other people are out too at that point. Keep an epic going after two or three stories. It's near-impossible. But you're not setting a good precedent for other writers to follow. Your work didn't get reviews so you left? That sounds like you threw in the towel. We all have to take some negative criticism to improve, even if that means not getting replies, which may be some of the most negative criticism you can receive. Every piece of work I've written on BZPower that has never gotten a response, tells me I wasn't doing my best. And when I look at it honestly, I'm right.Lastly, whether you want to "count" critic club reviews or not has no bearing on how the criticism and tips, ideas, etc. are beneficial to helping the writers. If an official critic club review is all a writer gets in their topic/review topic, that can sometimes be enough impetus to keep writing, keeping trying, and produce something better down the road. As a fellow critic club leader, I'm sure you can at least appreciate that sentiment.-Ced

Happy Birthday Spink! -Ced

It has been my experience that epics posted as frequently as one chapter per day are, too often, written poorly. But it also caught my curiosity, so while I don't agree with the method, you're doing something right to bring me here in the first place. I would seriously recommend that, in the future, you employ the use of an editing program (MS Word for example) or keep a better eye on errors. Here's what I found.Chapter 1 Spelling: Archives, visiting Spelling: shookChapter 2 Spelling: sad Capitalize: He Capitalize: HisChapter 3 Capitalize: We Grammar: Period after said. Capitalize: Hurry Capitalize: Who Capitalize: Yes Capitalize: TuragaChapter 4 Spelling: hut Spelling: then Grammar: haven't LhikanChapter 5 Spelling: temporarily Remove: but Change: How can they survive this!?Chapter 6 Spelling: After, minutes Spelling: straight Spelling: deflection, device Lowercase: lightning Spelling: ablaze Spelling: causedIn the past, I have ignored rampant spelling and grammar issues if I happen to find that the plot in itself is engaging. What I received instead was something in the other direction. I can ignore your lack of consistency with capitalizing the word "Matoran," I can ignore the lack of creativity by not naming Kye's friend, but there's a lot of things too great to brush off. First of all, I assume this is an alternate universe idea, right? Given that Zacax travels by sea from Karzahni to Voya Nui, an island that was only accessed during 2006 from Karzahni through the use of tubes and capsules. The Great Cataclysm has already occurred if Voya Nui is an island and not part of the Southern Continent (and the fact Jovan is dead), so why does a Metru Nui Matoran like Zacax have memories of Toa Lhikan? So again, I guess this doesn't follow canon. Nothing wrong with that, I love plenty of stories that deviate from the canon.I found it a little odd that Kye wouldn't know his island's leaders by name. They are the entities placed in charge, probably given their positions through positive actions and displaying leadership skills. It seems unlikely Kye wouldn't know their names, but since I've already covered "lack of creativity" on the part of Kye's friend that has multiple mentions but no name to speak of, I won't harp on that any longer. I do want to bring up a couple points where you broke immersion with me, in reference to human words. The lines, "Boy it was heavy" or "and stepped back a few feet," in Chapter 6 could have easily been, "My, it was heavy" or "and stepped back a bio." Just a thought.The more eventful parts of your epic seem to suffer from "and then" syndrome. You start to give description, which becomes a list of "and then [action] and then [action]." I also thought the sequence where Zacax went to be repaired was too brief. I know he loses his memories of the actual repair, but the moments leading up to that must've been filled with something. Fear? Uncertainty? Reluctance? Your execution of that was very disappointing.The same can be said of Chapter 6's ending, with Tahukama turning over Toa stones to Zacax. Zacax just did a lot of harm to the village, but apparently a little good intention is all it takes to be in the running to become the next Toa? To give you things in a Bionicle perspective, the road to Karzahni is paved with good intentions. That's as close to humor as I think you're going to get out of me with this. A big problem is that when you have an expectation of something, like a story named "The Gunsmith" and then introduce it in this patchwork of misused Legends of Metru Nui and Voya Nui-inspired sequences (which, even if that's not where the inspiration came from, the incidents seem disturbingly similar), you get the sense that the rest of the epic is going to follow suit. And that's a bold accusation, perhaps, but after already proving myself correct on my "chapter per day" theory with this, I'm sensing a pattern here.I may come back to see where this story is headed in a few weeks, which, if your schedule continues as it has, you'll either be finished or have a great deal of the story posted. Some things to keep in mind though. First, work on your dialogue. I always say, if you speak it aloud and it sounds forced or awkward, change it. Your dialogue felt like one or the other for much of the story. Second, detail is critical. Throwing the reader from event to event at such a rapid pace doesn't give time to really display what's happening, or the emotion behind those events. And since this is a first person story, I'm sure Zacax has a wide array of emotions that can be explored and depicted. Lastly, really watch the spelling and grammar. Best of luck going forward with this, Zacax.-Ced

It has been stated on BS01 that the Great Beings created antidermis. It has not been said what process they used to create it, nor what would occur if a Kraata was submerged in it.-Ced

Rather harsh? Don't be so negative, ToD. Unless you don't consider these your best work. In any event, Proud Stigma will be handling the request. Thank you for choosing the SSCC. -Ced

Well, since your review was so wonderful, I think we have some time for a critic-based request. I'll notify Zarayna that he'll be handling the assignment. Thank you much, Yukiko. -Ced