Relationships aren't easy.
I'll get right to it. I broke up with my girlfriend last night. No, I'm not totally heartbroken. But don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly happy either. I enjoyed being able to call Lacy my "girlfriend" and have the privilege of spending time with her. It was a good 9 months. We went to Orlando, went to the beach, went on dates, etc. We started dating in June of summer 2009. I had money and too much time on my hands. Unfortunately, both my time and money slowly began to dwindle as I entered my sophomore year in college.
I haven't had a job since May 2009. I'm extremely thankful that my parents are able to provide me with gas and food money every month. Without them, I'd be lost. I'm also on a scholarship at my university that requires I maintain a 3.0 GPA to keep my scholarship. That is essentially a "B" average, and while it's not necessarily hard, it isn't a walk through the park either. I've been more absorbed with school work than I ever have in my life. This reflected in my relationship with my girlfriend.
Since the beginning of this year, we would only ever really see each other on Wednesdays and Saturdays/Sundays when we were both at church. My class schedule interfered greatly with the amount of time we could spend with each other. I couldn't take her out, couldn't even just drive around town. All of thus, with a luck of a steady income, put a great strain on our relationship.
I believe dating to be a tool used to find the person I will end up marrying. Think of it as this: dating is like carving a sculpture. I learned things about Lacy that I loved, and some things that I didn't like. I learned things about what I want in a woman in general. I was carving away at the sculpture of a woman that I would want to marry. I do not regret anything of my relationship with her.
At times I didn't feel that she was very supportive of me and what I was trying to do with my career by going to school. She would tell me that I wasn't meeting her needs, and so I would try my best to do things for her that would let her know that I really loved her. I'm not perfect. There's only so much I can do. I wanted everything to work out between us.
I started praying and asking for guidance about what to do with this relationship about three weeks ago. Lacy let me know numerous times that she really did love me, and I loved her, but I began to feel as if God was urging me to prepare to move on with my life. It probably began when I first realized that I wasn't going to be able to give her the attention that she needs right now. I wish I could have, but school is taking up 100% of my time right now.
I have tentative plans to enroll in a Disney internship that will be at Disney World in Orlando, Florida, in January 2011 with a good friend of mine. I think that I have greater things in store for me, and that my time left in Montgomery, Alabama, is coming to a close. I'm going to start a career. It won't be here, with my family, my friends. In my safe zone. A couple weeks back it suddenly hit me that I'm going to move away one day, far away, and not be within walking distance of my family. I've always been afraid of being alone. Luckily, we have things like Skype now to keep me close to my family.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I think I just had to put how I'm feeling into actual words that I can see so that I can realize what's happening. I never allowed myself to get too attached to my girlfriend, because I didn't go into this with the intentions of anything long-term. I'm surprised it worked as long as it did. I've never had a girlfriend before.
We ended on good terms though. The feelings were mutual. I think what I'm dreading most is facing her family (her mother and father are the youth/college pastors at my church, her brother is a good friend of mine) and all the questions from friends and such. But whatever, I don't regret a thing, so yeah...