Mel

Average Days; Death, Riches, and the Package; and Not Alone by Toa of Dancing has been reviewed.I apologize that I'm the only one who didn't get their review in a day after I was assigned. I fear I shall be soon known as the procrastinator. =PI'd like to request a review.Gifts~YukikoThanks guys. ^^

Official SSCC Review“Average Days”I like that you decided to not take this theme literally and focus on something that really is a treasure, our families. However, this whole thing seemed a bit sad to me, as if everyone was isolated in their rooms until the dinner time rolled around. Something I would have liked you to was stay within the POV of the grandmother. You could use this to show that while she might not understand video games or have the same interests as the younger generation, she still loves her family. This might help “warm up” your story a little, but it’s just a suggestion. Just pointing out some excess language that could be cut. Warm and comfortable are implied, so you don’t really need them. If they enjoy wearing it it’s probably because of those reasons. You have two uses of the passive voice in a row here. Try something like: “They complimented Olivia on the delicious (good is a weak adjective), and made small talk as they ate.”I feel that the latter part of this paragraph could include at least a little dialogue. Dialogue is really the backbone of a story, and I feel you could establish the loving nature of a family much better with dialogue than with description alone. As the contest is over, word limit shouldn’t be a problem anymore. ^^“Death, Riches, and the Package”Well, this is interesting. If I’m right, the test is whether someone will choose life or death when they have lost everything. Now, if I were a sadistic puppetmaster, I would have a little more fun and make the guy feel guilty, but that’s just me. You build a solid enough plot here. It kind of reminds me of the Doctor Who Episode “The Beast Below.” There is a lot of excess language in this paragraph. For the latter part, try: “When he had pressed the button in the upper right corner of the screen, a little bar had appeared with the words ‘Accept or Decline?’ Even when he had pressed “Accept” nothing happened except for the button disappearing." I think you meant “his car,” since he apparently has no hovercraft now. Again, replace the passive with the active voice. Try: “The boss gave him no reason.” Both of these are participle phrases (i.e. phrases acting as adjectives). You need to add a clause that can stand on its own. Try “he wiped his eyes.” It’s shorter and less trite.“Not Alone”This story was difficult. Suicide in general is a difficult subject, and I felt this story treated it a bit too generic. We never find out why Kaitlin’s world is a living ######, the specifics of why her friends leave her, or even their names. I want to sympathize with Katy, but it’s hard because I have no idea who she is. Personal details are essential in a story like this: they establish the characters and make them relatable. I would also recommend ditching the song lyrics, they are also very generic and don’t add anything to the story. I’m sorry, but this made me laugh, which should not happen. Could you perhaps show all of her note? At least some attempt at letting out her anguish would add to her character. This is passive voice again, and “snatched” is descriptive enough on it’s own. You don’t need “quickly.” I would really like to hear what he whispered to her; I think it would be a great way to end it.OverallShort pieces of fiction are hard to write, and think the temptation is to use adjectives to try and say as most as possible. Adjectives, however, don’t really contribute to the emotion of the story and are best used judiciously. If you can avoid writing a paragraph, by all means use an adjective or adverb, but be careful. To many of them in unnecessary places can clog up your story. Try reading some pieces of short fiction to see how authors show emotions through their words instead of telling them with adjectives. Also, avoid “to be” verbs (was, were, etc.).I apologize if this seems harsh, but I think that’s the beauty of flash fiction contests like this one. It really exposes our writing and forces us to look at our habits. If you have any questions or would like further advice please feel free to ask me. And keep writing! ^^

GC12 has been reviewed. I apologize for the lateness; I know it means a strike against my name.

Official SSCC ReviewFirst off, I haven’t read any of the other stories in your series, but I had no trouble understanding this one and where it came from. This is important, as I often see series relying to much on what the writer knows, in which case I wonder why they’re not chapter books. You discuss the condition of the swamp in the rest of this paragraph, so you don’t need these adjectives. Also, I believe you can use commas instead of semicolons, since the following clauses do not have any internal punctuation. “Remembered” seems like the wrong verb here. I suggest “recalled” or “mulled over.” It feels better if you leave off the last clause. It keeps the reader in a little more suspense. If their expressions are angry, it’s obvious that they are not coming to say hello. Choose one or the other. You intro is pretty solid other than these small bits of excess language. Every writer has to deal with them, so read over your work as much as you can to pick out any excessive or unnecessary phrases.Your dialogue is great for the most part, but it starts getting a little awkward towards the end. I’m not sure, but he seems to loose some of his previous childishness here. I don’t know what words you should use exactly, but you might want to look it over.For the most part, you kept this believable within canon (though I myself have never cared much about canon.) There was one thing, however, that bothered me. How is it possible that Ignika has a stronger will than Mata Nui? Mata Nui was able to control a robot the size of a small moon, and he has ages more experience and probably more finesse. He planted the Toa Metru’s names in Teridax’s head without getting noticed--that takes subtlety and control. Not to say he could not be overwhelmed, but I feel that you could have explained it better.Overall this a solid story and you are a proficient writer, but I feel it needs a little “spark” to bring it to life. If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask me.

Member Name: YukikoTheme: VisionsStory: Wake (487 words)He was standing alone on the black sand. The air pressed down on him. It would storm soon, his aching limbs told him that. This was too real as always, this surreal place. But he waited. He had learned to wait. There was nothing else to do in this world beyond his control.“They are coming, Vakama.”Vakama looked up. “Toa Lhikan?”He couldn’t keep his surprise completely concealed. He had not seen the toa of fire for a very long time, in life or in his visions. And yet, here he was, his greatswords slung over his shoulder.“I am what you want to see, Vakama. The storm is coming, and you must learn to make out the truth through the rain.”Vakama said nothing after that. He leaned on his staff, following his old mentor’s eyes toward the mottled gray sky. The wind picked up speed, piercing through his armor. He shivered. The rumble of thunder grew steadily louder, until a flash of light pierced the air above them.Lighting should happen in a split second, but Vakama could swear that he saw the jagged arms of the bolt reaching down toward them to embrace Lhikan. He shielded his eyes as the spot where Lhikan stood blazed with light. He could make out nothing.When the light faded, there was only Lhikan’s golden hau, laying on the sand before him. The eye-holes of the mask blazed red, then green.“Turaga!”Vakama sat up in his pallet. He rubbed his hands over his face to clear the last shadows of sleep from his mind. That voice...it had been Jaller’s voice. But the Captain of the Guard was gone. Gone to the land of the dead, most likely never to return.Vakama had learned to accept his visions. After all, his people venerated him for it. No longer did others question his sanity when he told of his dreams. He was the noble Turaga Vakama, leader of the Ta-matoran.The things he saw in the fire, after all, were not incomprehensible. He stared at the now dead pot of coals in the center of his hut. When he was awake, he could make sense of it, turn it into real voices and figures and events. But in the unconscious territory of his dreams, his mind melded and twisted and dissolved. There were still some nights when he woke feeling cold all over; when he was not sure if he was awake at all.And those eyes. Red and then green. What did that mean? The Makuta? His eyes were red, and his poison turned the eyes green. But matoran could have green eyes as well. Then there was Jaller’s voice. It had sounded different. Almost…Older, Vakama thought. Like a toa’s.He sat up and began to tend to the coals, as the sun hid the dying stars from the sky.

I'm officially done with school for the summer, so I can take requests if they come up.

The Wraith has been reviewed. Sorry for the lateness.

Official SSCC ReviewYou chose a whammer of a quote, and already you set yourself up for a hard climb. That may have been the reason that I simply wasn't scared as much as I felt I should have been. I wanted the sensation of staring into the void and feeling utterly terrified.Part of why I felt this way, I believe, was the fact that you chose to tell this story in the dramatic viewpoint (with a hint of omniscient). Now, I don't think that that POV was without it's merits, but in this story you needed to connect us to Vakama, to immerse us in his fear. This is really hard to do in the dramatic view, and think you would be much better served by third person limited. (This is when you tell the story in third person but restrict us to what Vakama thinks and feels.)Something specific that bothered me: Vakama is completely agreeing with Makuta, so how is he being defiant? Also you used three adverbs in one sentence, which really clutters it up. If you kill your adverbs on sight, it makes for much cleaner writing. (Adjectives should also be used judiciously.) You don't need to remind us of Vakama's toa of fireness more than once, and don't call Makuta a "being". "Being" is a weak noun that tells us nothing about what he is.There's nothing obviously wrong with your prose style, but it lacks "bite." Try and give us a bit of an atmosphere. Developing a voice takes a while and I encourage you to keep writing and especially getting feedback. If you have any questions as to specifics, feel free to ask me. Good luck in the contest. ^^

Official SSCC ReviewThis is one of the cleanest stories I have read on BZPower. I really appreciate the fact that none of your words are wasted. However, you have a few extras here and there. It is usually a bad idea to use adverbs in speech tags. You have very good dialogue, and this just distracts from it. It is obvious from you dialogue that Orkan is feeling bitter and Tamaru is feeling guilty.The main issue for me was, while this story was clean, it also felt a little “sterilized” for the lack of a better word. This story was sort of a coming-of-age for Vera, and I did not feel emotionally invested I felt a should. Since this is trying to create the nostalgia of MNOG, I would urge you to remember that MNOG is in first person. You can keep it in third-person-limited as you have here, but remember that we should see as he sees and feel as he feels. His change of character, however small, should be felt in the narrative. You shouldn’t have to explained to us that he was relieved, because we should be relieved with him. In other words, “show, don’t tell.” When it comes to character-based stories such as this one, making your audience feel for your character is key.Overall though, you have very good writing habits. Just work on putting a little more feeling into your writing. I’m sorry this is late and a little short; if you have any specific questions you can PM me. And keep writing!

^I can take both ^^EDIT: And High Fly Matoran is reviewed!

I'll take the Wraith then.

^Velox, since couldn't manage that review last week I'll gladly take on some of yours. I have spring break now. So everything's good.

^ <3Dang, and they look so much younger too.

What. Spy Kids was awesome. =D The cheese is the point, you're supposed to revel in it.Or maybe it's just me, but those movies were a part of my childhood. *nostalgia*

^This. IMO, it's when you can no longer distinguish reality from fantasy that it really becomes a problem.

It's funny that you're complaining about being underestimated. The main reason people made this thread was to complain about kid's thinking they are better then they are. You're thirteen, and in many people's eyes still a child, but I'm not going to hold it against you. You'll get older.

Anyone who is into poetic, socially conscious rap should check out Doom Tree Collective, and The Real Rhyme Sayers. They're both midwest hip-hop labels, and they have a bunch of amazingly talented people under them.My favorites have got to be Dessa and Brother Ali. Yes, there is swearing sometimes but it is used in good taste.

^I've heard that. I think it's funny that most of the kids who watched the series hate the movies and most of the adults who supported it kept saying: it's for kids, give it a break!That's going of a certain video rental cite anyway.

^Hey, hey. Let's not get personal here.Lol, while I don't think Kristen Stewart's acting is good, she didn't really have much to work with. The movie critics seem to like her for some reason though. I can't fathom why.I actually really appreciate RPatz though. He seems to know exactly how horrible the material is and is constantly making snarky comments in the direction of the story. =PRCF, what good chemistry? Could you give me an example....? Edward is just as bad, IMO.

^Have to agree with you there, but I'd be interested to see what RCF saw in them.Also, I was really sick of the vampire craze, but Robin Mckinley's Sunshine was terrific (though most definitely for young adults.) I'd reccomend it for any jaded readers who have lost all hope in the urban fantasy genre.

As a young women, I find it very sad that so many girls look toward Twilight as an ideal love story. There are loads of badly written books out there, but its sad that this one has had so much effect. If it has any appeal, it's the speed at which it can be read. The first time I read it, I devoured it. Then I thought "what did I just read?"And Team Rochester, if you must know. I've only watched the first movie and it had a certain appeal because you could tell that it wasn't being taken seriously. I've heard the other movies don't have that.

Anime dubs can be pretty bad. I actually liked the Spanish dub of Naruto far more than the English dub. But it the voices are nice, I don't mind.

Because it's wierd when people's mouths don't match what they're saying. Animation is the only thing I would make an exeption for.