OmegaLucasNuva Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I have finished Book 8. Need to find the courage to edit my notes to post here. Quote Visit my MOC page: Toa Hiru!! and the Tahu Nuva Revamp See my Epic: Aki-Nui and its Review Topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surel-Nuva Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 On a separate note, does anyone have access to the guide where The Many Deaths of Toa Tuyet was first published? There are many occasions where it feels like some words in that story should be in italics, but the BS01 doesn’t italicize anything, so it would be nice to check from the original source (same applies for The Birth of a Dark Hunter). I guess book 8 is next, then. The Birth of a Dark Hunter was included in the first edition of the BIONICLE: Encyclopedia And here's the original post where Greg revealed 'The Many Death of Toa Tuyet': http://web.archive.org/web/20070619073104/http://www.bzpower.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=252575 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toa of Gallifrey Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 (edited) The comments from before GregF was BZP's eternal punchline feel like they're from such a distant past (even if 2007 was more than 10 years ago, oh God I feel old). Edited March 22, 2018 by Toa of Gallifrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
That Matoran with a Vahi Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 One other thing I started to look at was making the way treespeak is written consistent. But I noticed that, other than maybe one or two words, there aren't really any treespeak phrases that are used both without a hyphen (in Books 1 and 2) and with a hyphen (in the other Books). Not only that, but there are a few instances of Greg using treespeak with a hyphen for some words, but without one for others. The Official Guide to Bionicle (outdated as it may be) also seems to indicate that some treespeak words have hyphens while others don't. Given all of this, I'm thinking I'll make any treespeak words that sometimes have a hyphen and sometimes don't consistent, but leave it at that. Thoughts? With regards to the treespeak thing; I'm pretty sure I remember that, when it was first introduced in MNOG, treespeak words had no hyphens; it was only around-about 2003-04 that started becoming a thing. I would tentatively guess than all such words coined in the early years were forever spelled without hyphens, while any new ones that Greg invented from the Metru Nui era onwards were given hyphens for ease of understanding? Though this is only a guess based on half-remembered facts, as it's been ages since I seriously looked at any of the source material. Quote "New legends awake, but old lessons must be remembered. For that is the way of the BIONICLE." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emily Posted March 22, 2018 Share Posted March 22, 2018 With regards to the treespeak thing; I'm pretty sure I remember that, when it was first introduced in MNOG, treespeak words had no hyphens; it was only around-about 2003-04 that started becoming a thing. I would tentatively guess than all such words coined in the early years were forever spelled without hyphens, while any new ones that Greg invented from the Metru Nui era onwards were given hyphens for ease of understanding? Though this is only a guess based on half-remembered facts, as it's been ages since I seriously looked at any of the source material.Sounds about right - the lexicon is like mnog and doesn't use hyphens. If anyone has the Official Guide to Bionicle on-hand to check, It'd be interesting to know if there are hyphens there, since it's written by Greg. Quote believe victims. its actually not that hard, and youd look kind of bad if you were to, say, side with an abuser because theyre your friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tattorack Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 (edited) Good collection! Edited March 25, 2018 by Tattorack Quote -I was infected for the most part on April the 1st BEWARE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted March 26, 2018 Author Share Posted March 26, 2018 This took a lot longer than I imagined, but I've finally gone through book 7. The page numbers I use here refer to the pages of the new, updated version. And, again... there are a ton of points to go through and fix.Thanks so much for all the feedback! Everything should now be fixed that needed to be. Some notes:I've transcribed some lines from the podcasts slightly differently than BS01 did, based on what it sounds like to me. After your feedback, I've changed a few things to more closely match BS01, but some are still different.I moved the italics in "the universe needs it" from "needs" to "universe," as that seems to make more sense (and the way it was actually done was likely a mistake).I fixed the inconsistency in how the Nuva arrived at Artakha by removing the sentence describing a long journey bringing them there. It seemed like the simplest way to fix it.I've left the following things unchanged:"a group calling themselves Zyglak" - I think it's phrased that way in reference to how the characters had never heard of the Zyglak before (so to them, it's just a group of creatures that call themselves that)."It was the Makuta who guarded Metru Nui" - this is a tricky one to change, since there's not another easy name to refer to Teridax by at this point in the story. Also, while he wasn't technically assigned to Metru Nui yet, he clearly had his eye on it, so that could be what the line refers to."These others I am not familiar with" - again, difficult to cleanly edit without changing a lot. It also seems to me that Teridax could be referring to his knowledge of them before the League of Six Kingdoms was formed."Then do it, Lewa." - this does very well seem like it could be an error, and if it were as simple as changing it from "Lewa used the Kakama" to "Pohatu used the Kakama," I probably would. But since the flow of the conversation would necessitate re-attributing Lewa's line to Pohatu, and it doesn't actually contradict any canon, I'd prefer to leave it as-is."Better listen to Takadox, masked ones" - this one does read a little oddly, but I think it does seem possible that Takadox is referring to himself in the third person, and since he used Pridak's name so shortly after (rather than just saying "he"), it seems unlikely to me that Greg accidently used Takadox's name in place of Pridak's."the myriad creatures" - this is proper grammar"he struck at us from ambush" - this is proper grammar"keeping its distance from two beings" - this is proper grammar"it too will be restored to where it belongs" - this is proper grammar"and all that was left him was revenge" - this is proper grammar"I did what I could to ease its suffering then" - this is proper grammar (the comma was added by BS01, and wasn't in the original text)"ask questions of your corpses" - this is proper grammar One other thing I started to look at was making the way treespeak is written consistent. But I noticed that, other than maybe one or two words, there aren't really any treespeak phrases that are used both without a hyphen (in Books 1 and 2) and with a hyphen (in the other Books). Not only that, but there are a few instances of Greg using treespeak with a hyphen for some words, but without one for others. The Official Guide to Bionicle (outdated as it may be) also seems to indicate that some treespeak words have hyphens while others don't. Given all of this, I'm thinking I'll make any treespeak words that sometimes have a hyphen and sometimes don't consistent, but leave it at that. Thoughts? With regards to the treespeak thing; I'm pretty sure I remember that, when it was first introduced in MNOG, treespeak words had no hyphens; it was only around-about 2003-04 that started becoming a thing. I would tentatively guess than all such words coined in the early years were forever spelled without hyphens, while any new ones that Greg invented from the Metru Nui era onwards were given hyphens for ease of understanding? Though this is only a guess based on half-remembered facts, as it's been ages since I seriously looked at any of the source material. That's the thing, though: it's inconsistent. Some treespeak phrases that originally didn't have a hyphen were later used with one by Greg, but he did still spell the occasional one without a hyphen. But generally, yes: the early stuff didn't use hyphens, and all the later stuff by Greg did use them. With regards to the treespeak thing; I'm pretty sure I remember that, when it was first introduced in MNOG, treespeak words had no hyphens; it was only around-about 2003-04 that started becoming a thing. I would tentatively guess than all such words coined in the early years were forever spelled without hyphens, while any new ones that Greg invented from the Metru Nui era onwards were given hyphens for ease of understanding? Though this is only a guess based on half-remembered facts, as it's been ages since I seriously looked at any of the source material.Sounds about right - the lexicon is like mnog and doesn't use hyphens. If anyone has the Official Guide to Bionicle on-hand to check, It'd be interesting to know if there are hyphens there, since it's written by Greg. As I mentioned in my earlier post, the Official Guide to Bionicle uses both (though it leans heavily toward not using hyphens, oddly). I think Greg may have started using hyphens just to make it clear to his editor and/or readers that it wasn't a typo. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vrahno Posted April 11, 2018 Share Posted April 11, 2018 (edited) I'm not sure if any of this is usable, but others have expressed interest in it, so I went ahead and translated the extra bits from the strange Hungarian "extended" edition of Tale of the Toa, and inserted them into the novel. It's a bit of a rush job, so forgive any typos or mangled sentences, but I tried to make it as accurate and readable as possible -- though at certain points I had to resort to guesswork when deciphering the writing (sadly, the translation work on these books was stupidly lazy and full of errors). Text exclusive to the Hungarian book is marked like this. Text found in the English version but not present in the Hungarian one like this. https://www.dropbox.com/s/9cs0qvud4b0xbfg/Tale%20of%20the%20Toa%20%28Hun%29.doc?dl=0 It's an interesting read, because as it turns out, this was probably how Hapka had originally written the novel, before it went through a major revision for the English release. Not only were about 50 pages removed, a lot of the surviving text had to be altered too because it had so many storyline contradictions. I'm not sure why the foreign release was based on Hapka's faultier original writing instead of the corrected and more up-to-date finalized one; maybe the publishers were in too big of a hurry to wait till the rewrite was done (like if they had a set deadline and the translation had to be done fast), or they just sent the wrong text by mistake. Whatever the case, here's some observations:The Toa often use their Nuva tools. The first chapter even says Tahu's sword is made up of two pieces, and it's called a magma sword throughout. Pohatu has Climbing Claws, Gali has Aqua Axes and Lewa has green Air Katana. Seems Hapka wasn't told that the Mata and Nuva are different toylines, which is odd, since the first half of the book mentions stuff like Gali having hooks and the others having large fingers like the Mata sets.There's a fair amount of foreshadowing in Tahu's visions to later storylines, up to the coming of Takanuva.Unworn masks have colors matching their Toa. These were categorically corrected to being gray.The Toa know of the Manas and the Golden Masks through their dreams, while the revised text says it was the Turaga who told them about these.Almost every scene goes on for longer, Gali's introductory chapter being the most notable example, as it had over half of it deleted for the English release. There's other cut scenes too, like Kopaka fighting a Nui-Jaga and a fair bit of the Toa vs Shadow Toa battle.The Shadow Toa's remains all recede into the tunnels after their defeat, as if they were still alive in some way. All of these sentences were cut.Fist-bumping is a thing, but this too was removed from the finalized text.While there's some nice character moments and lines, there's also annoying amounts of redundancy, exposition, and padding, so I can see why most of these got cut. Edited April 20, 2018 by Vrahno 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Planetperson Posted April 12, 2018 Share Posted April 12, 2018 THANK YOU! Seriously, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to go through the ENTIRE Hungarian version of the book for my benefit. I was really fascinated by this discovery when I first found out about it... I just can't read a word of Hungarian. Your translations look fantastic. I look forward to reading the whole thing. Quote July 2009 Comic Scans | MNOLG Soundtrack Official Greg Discussion Weekly Digest | My Lego Network Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArchAngelleofJustice Posted April 20, 2018 Share Posted April 20, 2018 > The Toa often use their Nuva tools. The first chapter even says Tahu's sword is made up of two pieces, and it's called a magma sword throughout. Pohatu has Climbing Claws, Gali has Aqua Axes and Lewa has green Air Katana. Seem Hapka wasn't told that the Mata and Nuva are different toylines, which is odd, since the first half of the book mentions stuff like Gali having hooks and the others having large fingers like the Mata setsThat makes a lot of sense given the context. I always wondered why "Pohatu leaped to the ground and immediately swung his weapon at the boulder" when he fought his Shadow self in Tale of the Toa, and I figured Hapka hadn't paid a huge amount of attention to the sets. I will have to give that a proper read at some point. I had a short skim, and even though some of it is redundant, I quite enjoyed it. Quote Stories I wrote Parts of a Whole Series: An Alternate EndingPart 1: Fight for Freedom Wisps of MemoryPart 2: Army of One (In Progress)Short Stories: The Great Takara Tale of the Toa Stones Masks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted May 7, 2018 Author Share Posted May 7, 2018 (edited) So I know I've taken a while to make a statement on this, but, after giving it some thought, I don't plan to include the extra content from the Hungarian version of Tale of the Toa, given that, as others have said, it appears to be the original manuscript before it received some much-needed editing. Also, small update: I've changed Book 1 so that its "Standard" version doesn't include Quest for the Toa, as I felt uncomfortable including a fan-transcription that had not been officially endorsed in the Standard version. The versions of Book 1 that contain it are now considered the "Complete" versions (like with Protection in Book 5). I hope this doesn't bother anyone, since all the same options are present, they're basically just titled differently. I have finished Book 8. Need to find the courage to edit my notes to post here.Been looking forward to your notes since you posted this. Do you still plan on posting them? They'd be really helpful. EDIT: I'd like to make this a new post so that people will get an alert for it, but no one else has posted yet so I can't. Anyway: the entire compilation is now Justified rather than Left-aligned! I liked the idea ever since OmegaLucasNuva suggested it, and I finally got around to finding an easy way to do it. I did a quick once-over to make sure no formatting got messed up, but as always, let me know if you see anything wrong! Edited May 9, 2018 by TuragaNuva Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Planetperson Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 (edited) I decided to take a look at Dark Mirror again and randomly noticed a couple things:Book 8 p. 139: “Help is exactly what you need[,] Toa,”Book 8 p. 153: Tuyet has received word of the [a] plan to steal the Mask of Time.Throughout Dark Mirror, Jaller's name is spelled as "Jaller," but logically it should still be "Jala." Same with Pewku/Puku.There are still some excessive BS01 capitalizations, such as "Sub-Zero Spear."Thank you for your continued maintenance! Edited May 13, 2018 by Planetperson 1 Quote July 2009 Comic Scans | MNOLG Soundtrack Official Greg Discussion Weekly Digest | My Lego Network Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted May 14, 2018 Author Share Posted May 14, 2018 I decided to take a look at Dark Mirror again and randomly noticed a couple things:Book 8 p. 139: “Help is exactly what you need[,] Toa,”Book 8 p. 153: Tuyet has received word of the [a] plan to steal the Mask of Time.Throughout Dark Mirror, Jaller's name is spelled as "Jaller," but logically it should still be "Jala." Same with Pewku/Puku.There are still some excessive BS01 capitalizations, such as "Sub-Zero Spear."Thank you for your continued maintenance! Thank you for your continued feedback! The first two issues are now fixed. Unless there's something I missed or other people disagree with me, though, I think I'll leave Jaller and Pewku as-is in Dark Mirror, since, even if the Bohrok attack never happened, it's still possible that they did something else to earn new names. I'm still trying to decide what to do about those weapon capitalizations (Sub-Zero Spear and Seismic Spear), since some weapons in Bionicle get capitalized names (Spear of Fusion, Staff of Light), but others don't (magma swords, air katana), and since Dark Mirror was released as a podcast rather than text, there's no way to know how Greg actually wrote the names of those two weapons. I'm leaning toward leaving them as-is because I think it reads a little better, but I'd appreciate other people's opinions on this. I also still need to read through Dark Mirror for other potentially unnecessary capitalizations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Downfall Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 Maybe the product descriptions for the Hagah would help? Although, they would be presented as a play-type feature, and that means that they would be capitalized as they were important parts. It seems likely that they would be capitalized, though, as they seem to be an important tool. I noticed all of your examples for capitalization appeared after 2002. Does that have anything to do with it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted May 18, 2018 Author Share Posted May 18, 2018 Maybe the product descriptions for the Hagah would help? Although, they would be presented as a play-type feature, and that means that they would be capitalized as they were important parts. It seems likely that they would be capitalized, though, as they seem to be an important tool. I noticed all of your examples for capitalization appeared after 2002. Does that have anything to do with it?Checking the product descriptions is an interesting idea, though I can't seem to track them down anywhere. Also, I checked: the terms "magma sword" and "air katana" are both used in 2006, again without capitalization. However, after doing some digging in the Greg Archives, I found this: 7. Are tool names like “blazer claws” and “cyclone spear” supposed to be capitalized? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them capitalized some places, but others not. Which is correct? And are Rahi names like "frost leech" proper names or nicknames of sorts? Kind of the way Canis lupus familiaris is commonly called a poodle. Those are proper names, because they do not have standard BIONICLE names. I usually don't capitalize Toa tool names.He doesn't specifically say whether the cyclone spear should be capitalized, but his response that he usually doesn't capitalize Toa Tool names sounds to me like he's saying it should be lower-case. I've changed the spears accordingly. Also, bonus: 8. Are the names “krana” and “krana-kal” supposed to be capitalized? Again, I’ve seen it both ways. Not normally, no.I had decided a while back to make all instances of "krana" and "krana-kal" (other than names of specific types, like "Krana Xa") lower-case, so I'm glad to see that Greg confirmed that's correct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toatapio Nuva Posted May 20, 2018 Share Posted May 20, 2018 (edited) So, finally, I’ve gone through the entirety of book 8. I know it took quite a bit of time, so apologies for that. Anyway, there’s quite a bit of stuff to point about the book. I mostly like the order you put the different parts of the story in, but I have many major points on the structuring of the chapters. The big point I have in general is that most of the chapters, especially in the latter half of the book, are way too long, to the point that it started to affect the reading experience. This is because at some point the chapters start to combine book chapters with chapters from multiple serials. It would be a lot better to have a separate chapter for each book/serial chapter in this compilation. At the very least, book chapters should be separated from serial chapters. Some of my points further down the line link to the issue I have with the length of the chapters, but this is the gist of it. Then the more detailed feedback: Introduction Page 3: “Their improvised booster packs let them fly for short distances, so as long as they used them wisely” – this is the way it’s in the original text, but I think it should be either “so long as” or “as long as”Page 3: “they could make the trip up and back” – in the previous sentence, the Matoran are referred to as going down in the swamp, so I think “up” was intended as “down” herePage 4: “It’s almost as if she isn’t trying to catch me,” thought Tanma, “just keep me moving in that direction.” – Tanma’s thoughts should be in italicsPage 4: “Tanma scrambled to his feet and stared to run” – “stared” should be “started” The Mutran Chronicles Ok, now we get to the Mutran Chronicles, and I have quite a lot to say about how it’s structured. Firstly, I think it might be good to add the heading “Mutran Chronicles” or “From the chronicles of Mutran” or something of the sort, since otherwise the narrative jumps kinda suddenly from the normal third person to someone’s blog. I think the way you did it with Gali Nuva’s blog in the previous book was good, so maybe apply that here as well? The second point I have is that putting all of Mutran’s entries in one chapter makes it WAY too long. I know you also did that with Makuta’s Diary at the end, but Mutran Chronicles is a lot longer overall. I know why you decided to do this though, since making each entry its own chapter wouldn’t feel that natural, but I figured it would be something to consider nonetheless. As for what was debated way earlier in this thread about putting the entries in italics, I don’t think it’s necessary, since it’s such a long serial. Page 5: “That is, unless it starts eating Xians and grows into a Mountain” – Mountain shouldn’t be capitalized, since in this context Mutran’s not referring to the entity, but rather a mountain in general termsPage 6: “And so the formation of the League of Six Kingdoms came of little surprise to us” – “of” should be “as” (I think…)Page 8: “In the interests of the sanity [of] anyone reading this, I will not” – add “of” where indicatedPage 9: “hurl a bolt of Shadow energy from his gauntlet” – “Shadow” should not be capitalized (this will be a recurring point I have throughout the book)Page 11: “Teridax ordered part of the island razed anyway, as a reminder to them to be more careful in future” – shouldn’t “reminder to them” be “reminder for them”?Page 11: “Teridax ordered part of the island razed anyway, as a reminder to them to be more careful in [the] future” – add “the” where indicatedPage 12: “…and it was all I could to do to shapeshift a pair of claws…” – remove the first “to”Page 13: “…readying himself for the prophesied arrival of the Toa Mata…” – “prophesied” should be “prophesized”Page 13: “…we were to go to Karda Nui immediately, seize it, and see to it [that] any Av-Matoran there would pose no threat” – add “that” where indicated Federation of Fear Then we get to Federation of Fear. Just as these chapters are kept separate, I think the same should be done with the Mutran Chronicles to ensure cohesion. Even if The Mutran Chronicles is left untouched though, most of the chapters in book 8 should be separated the same way it's done in Federation of Fear, with each chapter split into its own, separate chapter. Page 16: “The trader smiled and invited the party out to view his prize craft” – “prize” should probably be “prized”Page 23: “Vast walls of rock suddenly sprang up from the shore line…” – “shore line” should be “shoreline”Page 24: “I would know what has gone on in the universe in the last 100 millennia” – the context indicates that Tren Krom either means “would not know”, or “want to know” (most likely the latter)Page 28: “Vezon the Vanquisher? Or Lariska –-” – for some reason there are two dashes at the end, the second one should be removed. This issue repeats itself numerous times throughout the serial sections of the compilationPage 30: “But I will not be dictated to by some obnoxious, insane –-” – same as abovePage 30: “…summoning a Rhotuka disk into her launcher” – Rhotuka are not disks, nor does Roodaka actually use a launcher to create them, as far as I know. In any case, the word “disk” should be moved, even if the mention of the launcher is keptPage 30: “…the power of her disk mutating them into unrecognizable creatures…” – again, Rhotuka are not disks (in previous instances, they’re described as “wheels of energy”)Page 31: ““Or maybe they just know we have to go back…” – there are too many quotation marks at the beginningPage 32: “We’re going to need –-” – again, remove the extra dashPage 32: “…so I would be just a head, and –-” – again, the dash thing Shadows in the Sky & Swamp of Secrets + serials Ok, chapter 12 (on page 35) should definitely come before Federation of Fear (maybe even before the Mutran Chronicles, though that is more debatable). This chapter is meant to introduce 2008, and technically occurs during the last few chapters of the previous books, so it’s really strange to have it so late in book 8 (especially since Federation of Fear chronologically occurs after it). However, the part with Takanuva at the end of the chapter should stay where it is, becoming its own chapter (it’s certainly long enough to be one). Page 35: This is a first [-] someone expecting a being born of the shadows to look on the bright side” – add dash where indicatedPage 37: “I said Toa wouldn’t act this way.” Solek replied – replace full stop with commaPage 39: “His Mask of Power matched the description of a Suletu, or Mask of Telepathy” – technically, Krakua’s Suletu is shaped like a Hau, but I guess it doesn’t really matter unless you wanna go for 100% canonicityPage 39: “…we would have another worry,[“] said Helryx – add quotation marks where indicatedPage 39: “So you will listen…” – “will” should be in italicsPage 39: “…and you will hear!” – “will” should be in italics here tooPage 40: “You have much to learn [-] and time is not your friend” – add dash where indicatedPage 43: “And where is here?” – “where is here” should be in italics Now we get to the first of Takanuva’s visions from the past, and I must say, each of those should definitely be their own chapters. Putting them together with other chapters makes them way too long. Page 44: “Kopaka, Toa of Ice. “ – remove the space between the latter comma and turn it aroundPage 45: “Thanks – ow! – for telling us” – “ow!” should be in italicsPage 45: “…there was a long, narrow plat-form…” – “plat-form” should be “platform”Page 46: “When Karda Nui was discovered by Vamprah a week ago…” – the Mutran Chronicles state that Karda Nui was discovered by Vultraz, who told Gorast about it. So it wasn’t Vamprah.Page 47: “Then the Matoran I left, and we…” – remove the “I”Page 47: “Could we maybe stop with the happy memories and concentrate on now?” – “now” should be in italicsPage 48: “I’ve discovered a way to force a being to shape-shift…” – “shape-shift” should be “shapeshift”Page 49: Lewa smiled. “‘Cause I ever-always end up…” – small thing, but the one quotation mark before “Cause” should be turned aroundPage 50: “Now you’re disarmed, and you can’t see” – “and” should be in italicsPage 51: “That cannot be soon enough for me.” said Kopaka – replace full stop with comma I love the way you incorporated the script for the cancelled comic. It resolves the plot of the previous comic really nicely. Page 57: “Huh? What? Where--?” – make the two dashes at the end one dash for the sake of consistencyPage 59: “…they had fought off a score of attacks by dark Matoran, shadow leeches, and one particularly nasty Makuta” – this contradicts the comics, since it only mentions fighting one MakutaPage 60: “They’re just keeping an eye on us.” said Tanma – replace full stop with commaPage 60: “In Kopaka’s eyes, that made him a fool [-] but it also…” – add dash where indicatedPage 60: [“]But you’re about to help your old friends.” – first quotation marks are missingPage 61: “Another pre-vented the conquest of Metru Nui…” – “pre-vented” should be “prevented”Page 61: “…you underestimate Toa – any Toa – at your peril” – “any” should be in italicsPage 62: “…sat up unsteadily [-] and immediately knew something was very wrong” – add dash where indicatedPage 62: “He really, truly, deeply hated the water” – “deeply” should be in italicsPage 63: “…and tell me when I said you couldn’t work together?” – “couldn’t” should be in italicsPage 64: “…for having the power to change, to protect, to act” – “act” should be in italicsPage 65: “…spread their darkness through-out the universe” – “through-out” should be “throughout”Page 67: “In the next instant. half a dozen more Bitils appeared…” – replace full stop with commaPage 72: “That was sharp-smart to fool him into thinking we already knew where it was.” said Lewa – replace full stop with commaPage 72: “…unlike, say, ‘sky-blaster.”‘ – “sky-blaster” should be “skyblaster” and the quotation marks at the end should be organized differentlyPage 72: Combine the paragraphs ending in “Pohatu finally allowed himself to exclaim” and starting with “What the rampaging Rahi was that?!” and put a comma between themPage 73: “And I didn’t trigger the Mask of Speed.” said Pohatu – replace full stop with commaPage 73: “You mean those Toa Nuva?” – “those” should be in italicsPage 74: “Toa are always so noisy.” hissed the Makuta – replace full stop with commaPage 74: …hissed the Makuta[.] “No wonder I could never…” – add full stop where indicatedPage 74: “…or even being one of his experiments…” – “being” should be in italicsPage 75: Then the Toa of Fire said. “Nowhere” – replace full stop with commaPage 75: “…there would be no one to do what had to be done” – this is the way it’s in the original text, but it seems to me that “had” should be “has” (not sure, just putting it out there)Page 76: “You and I are going to have a long talk…” – “long” should be in italics After Takanuva’s last vision of the past, we skip to a different plot point before returning to Takanuva talking with Helryx about the visions. I think this breaks the flow, and it would be better if the scene where Takanuva is sent on his mission were right after the last vision, as it is in the original book. Page 77: There should be a line division between “Maybe we missed something,” suggested Pohatu. and “I know they’re here,” said Tanma.Page 77: …muttered Lewa. [“]Whatever happened to the small Rahi beasts?” – add quotation marks where indicatedPage 77: “When’s the last time we met a giant, slimy, jaw-mouth full of teeth, peaceful Rahi?” – “peaceful” should be in italicsPage 78: “…precarious hold over the power I of ice slipped, even a little?” – remove the “I”Page 79: “…he knew what it was [-] the life was being drained from him” – add dash where indicatedPage 79: …muttered the Toa of Stone. [“]Your mask… - add quotation marks where indicatedPage 80: “But none with your ability, the mastery of Light itself” – I don’t think “Light” should be capitalized in this instancePage 82: “If I am right. the Makuta have much bigger plans…” – replace full stop with commaPage 82: “…than just controlling Karda Nui [-] and we may need the Toa Nuva…” – add dash where indicatedPage 83: “He had just spied two figures materializing in The Green Belt” – I don’t think “The” should be capitalized, since it’s not part of the namePage 83: Instead, he said[,] “Come with us…” – add comma where indicatedPage 83: “Things must be desperate if they’re if they’re calling on an old war Rahi like you” – remove the extra “if they’re”Page 83: “Oh, by the way, have you met tall, green, and gruesome here?” – canonically, Miserix is red, but I’m not sure if he’s actually been described as such in any of the other serials, so I don’t know if this point is relevant or not…Page 84: “Across the corrider were two great water tanks” – “corrider” should be “corridor”Page 84: “he had made an effort to trade their lives to the Zyglak in exchanged for his…” – “exchanged” should be “exchange”Page 84: “…but he did aide in the rescue of Makuta Miserix” – “aide” should be “aid”Page 84: “No,” said Trinuma, “I think they said something…” – replace the comma after “Trinuma” with a full stop Now, concerning Takanuva’s journey in the Kestora universe… I know it occurs canonically before the other two alternate universe stories, but him already holding the power lance makes it confusing. The thing is, this could easily be amended by placing this story AFTER The Kingdom story. It wouldn’t contradict anything, and would explain him having the power lance in the Kestora universe. Page 92: “…huge claws, and a a mouth full of sharp teeth” – if possible, the additional “a” should be removedPage 95: “Takanuva expected to hear cheering from the villagers .” – If possible, remove the space before the full stop Page 107: “These aren’t just doubles – they are me” – “are” should be in italicsPage 107: “They are all me” – “all” should be in italicsPage 107: “Unfortunately, they – we – never seem to remember…” – “we” should be in italicsPage 108: “But now, Fate had sent her a Toa…” – Should “Fate” really be capitalized? It is in the original text…Page 110: “…oh, yes. I know who you are” – replace full stop after “yes” with a commaPage 110: [“]Do you know why the Brotherhood of Makuta hates Toa…” – add quotation marks in the beginning of the sentence Page 111: “Vortixx cannot stand …” – remove space between “stand” and the dotsPage 112: “Iruini, wait –-” began Norik – remove the second dashPage 112: “My friends and I have just completed a mission on Vortixx” – “Vortixx” should be “Xia”Page 112: “…and my new allies have asked to me to insure that…” – remove the first “to” In The Kingdom text, there are several places where it seems that specific words should be in italics. Is there a way to check from the original source which words should be in italics? Page 113: “…there was the presence of law enforcers…” – there seems to be an additional space between “law” and “enforcers”Page 113: “What… I mean, how …?” – remove the space after “how”Page 114: “Toa Matoro –referred to in the carvings…” – there doesn’t seem to be a space after the dashPage 114: “Even as more and more beings poured…” – there seems to be an additional space between “and” and “more”Page 114: “…in that short an amount of time…” – there seems to be an additional space between “of” and “time”Page 114: “…a prime Skakdi warlord,the Bahrag…” – add space before “the Bahrag”Page 114: “…he had to admit that part of his wished he didn’t have to leave…” – “his” should be “him” Page 117: “…still dripping liquid proto-dermis…” – “proto-dermis” should be “protodermis”Page 118: “…ebony throne normally reserved for the Teridax, Makuta of Metru Nui” – remove “the” (or perhaps it’s supposed to be after the word Teridax, before Makuta?)Page 119: “…you get it not by outwitting him [-] you get it by stepping over his corpse” – add dash where indicated Page 121: …said the dragon, “A Nui-Rama doesn’t buzz…” – replace comma with full stopPage 122: …asked Vezon, “Why are we going?” – replace comma with full stopPage 122: …answered Vezon, “Secret mission means…” – replace comma with full stopPage 122: “…I won’t tell anyone. And you still haven’t answered…” – there seems to be an additional space between “anyone” and “And”Page 122: “…or my followups” – shouldn’t it be “follow-ups”?Page 122: “Destral… Destral – wait a minute…” – the text on Biosector doesn’t have a dash there, but a full stop instead. Three dots could also work thoughPage 122: “Theft? Assassination?” – there seems to be an additional space between these words Page 123: “How …?” said Takanuva, looking down at the lance – remove the space after “how”Page 123: “And if that’s not enough –-” – remove the second dashPage 123: I think there should be a paragraph division between “There’s no telling how much time we have.” And “Once they were back on the street…”Page 123: There definitely needs to be a paragraph division between “You can go see him if you like – I want nothing to do with him.” And “Takanuva expected that Matoro would be living…”Page 123: “Matoro, I …” Takanuva began – remove the space after “I”Page 123: There should be a paragraph division between “Now, come on – we have a kingdom to save.” and “Tanma was not at all happy to see Matoro along…”Page 124: “Then we have a problem.” said Takanuva – replace full stop with commaPage 124: “But it lasted just long enough…” – there seems to be an additional space between “But” and “it”Page 125: “Now do you see?” said Makuta. “You must –-” – remove the second dashPage 125: “I am the stronger! I am –-” – remove the second dashPage 125: “You once told the Toa Mata that you could not be destroyed…” – there seems to be an additional space between “You” and “once”Page 126: There should be a paragraph division between “He had not escaped this final confrontation.” and “Takanuva pondered for a long time…”Page 126: “…the Toa who had been granted that rarest of commodities…” – “that” should be “the” Page 126: “If you can’t do it …” – remove the space after “it”Page 127: “we are going to [a] place of death…” – add “a” where indicated Page 128: “If that happens, we want them to be our Toa” – “our” should be in italicsPage 128: “…care not at all for you, or the Brother-hood’s precious plan” – “Brother-hood’s” should be “Brotherhood’s”Page 128: “…making no effort [to] hide the sarcasm in his voice” – add “to” where indicatedPage 128: “Make yourself useful [-] find that mysterious Toa and get that mask” – add dash where indicatedPage 129: “Vamprah struck a nearby outcropping of pieces” – should be “Vamprah struck a nearby outcropping of rock, shattering it”Page 129: “…Gavla barely hanging on[.] Quickly, he gathered…” – add full stop where indicatedPage 129: “By the time he righted himself. Pohatu and Photok were on him” – replace full stop with comma Page 131: “There were other statues too, of Toa Takanuva did not recognize…” – not exactly sure what this should be, but the sentence is clearly mixed up in some wayPage 131: There should be a division of paragraph between “Let me pass, please, before–” and “The temperature suddenly dropped all around”Page 131: “…Kapura was locked in a foot-thick shell…” – there seems to be an additional space between “in” and “a”Page 131: “…cried out from the intense cold” – same as above, between “intense” and “cold”Page 133: You refer to the universe of Dark Mirror as Mirror Universe, but isn’t it usually called the Toa Empire Universe? In a book where the short story isn’t titled as Dark Mirror, the Mirror Universe name doesn’t make much sense Also, a small thing perhaps, but throughout the different chapters of Dark Mirror, almost every apostrophe (‘) is different than in the other sources Page 133: “Make yourself comfortable.” said Tahu – replace full stop with commaPage 133: …said Takanuva, “what is going on around here?” – replace comma with full stop and capitalize “what”Page 133: “I see,” said Takua, “you're not one of the smarter ones” – same as abovePage 134: “I-I don't know,” said Takanuva, “I'm not even sure where I am” – same as abovePage 134: “I can't believe this.” said Takanuva – replace full stop with commaPage 134: …said Takanuva, “Tahu and Kopaka insane…” – replace comma with full stopPage 134: “…Tahu and Kopaka insane – or worse…” – replace dash with commaPage 134: “Listen, umm...” – small thing, but the three dots are formatted differently from the other similar onesPage 134: “…said Takua, “Toa Tuyet tapped into…” – replace comma with full stop Page 134: “…I will send you back where you came from in pieces… “ – remove space between the dots and the quotations, and turn the quotation marks at the end aroundPage 135: There should be a paragraph division between “I see you brought company,” he said to Onua. and “It couldn’t be helped. Gali has been weakened, and you don’t look too well yourself.”Page 135: “…with Tahu and Gali both low on energy. Onua wasn’t sure how far they would get” – replace full stop with commaPage 136: “…they cannot leave the swamp without this.” he said – replace full stop with commaPage 136: “Be very careful that you make no mistakes…” – “very” should be in italicsPage 136: “Be very careful that you make no mistakes, brother [-] not now…” – add dash where indicatedPage 137: “…that will guide them the rest of their lives.” the Matoran replied – replace full stop with comma Page 138: “…to use on the Stone Rats who keep paying midnight visits” – haven’t stone rats been written in lower case in previous books?Page 138: “…loot their weapons and slay their warriors.” Axonn said – replace full stop with commaPage 138: …whispered Brutaka, “We still have to go…” – replace comma with full stopPage 138: “That’s a lot of work.” Axonn agreed – replace full stop with commaPage 138: “…as a tribute to the fallen hero” – there seems to be an additional space between “fallen” and “hero”Page 138: There should probably be a line division between “…but it did little to dispel the grief he felt over his death.” and “He had to admit…”Page 139: “…troubled him that the Toa Mahri have been unable to fulfill their destiny without…” – “have” should be “had”Page 139: “When Jaller could see again[,] six Toa stood in front of him” – add comma where indicatedPage 139: “But I decided, why pretend to betray them…” – why is “pretend” in italics? Page 139: …asked Takua.”How did you take out those Vahki…” – add a space between “Takua.” and “How”Page 140: …Takanuva said, “Even Toa as mad…” – replace comma with full stopPage 140: “I'm... a friend” – again, the three dots are formatted differently Page 142: “…the powers of Stone and Fire resealed the entrance” – I don’t think stone and fire should be capitalized in this contextPage 143: “He hurled the power of Life at Icarax” – same as above, with LifePage 146: “…best time to try to and jog one’s memory” – there seems to be an additional space between “to” and “and” Page 147: “I'm not...” Takanuva began – again, the formatting with the three dotsPage 147: “…the ultimate weapon against beings of Shadow” – I don’t think "Shadow" should be capitalizedPage 147: …he continued, “I come from…” – replace comma with full stopPage 147: “A Ta-Matoran, someone named Jaller” – I know this was already addressed, and I can’t say the arguments for keeping the name as Jaller don’t make sense. I would personally change the name to Jala, but it really doesn’t make much difference.Page 148: “You know what we’re here for” – remove extra space between “what” and “we’re”Page 148: “…with instructions to bring it to the volcanic island…” – same as above, but between “to” and “bring” Page 150: “Please excuse my sister [-] she has always been lightthirsty…” – add dash where indicatedPage 151: “Both looked just as surprised as the three Makuta[.] The Mask of Life was a Toa now?” – add full stop where indicatedPage 151: “…stop worrying about Icarax [-] he was a miserable heap of Zivon spittle…” – add dash where indicatedPage 151: “…it is not necessary to chase your quarry [-] simply be waiting at their destination” – add dash where indicatedPage 151: “Come on, Onua [-] you’re the one who taught me…” – add dash where indicatedPage 152: “…Tahu Nuva eyed the three Makuta[.] He and his team had opted…” – add full stop where indicated Page 153: “Speak[,] or face the power…” – not 100% sure about this, but I think a comma should be added where indicatedPage 154: “Have you ever heard of... Takutanuva?” – formatting of the three dotsPage 154: “the flame serpents of the Tren Krom Break, or even...” he dropped his voice – same as abovePage 154: “he dropped his voice for effect. “…even the Kolhii creature…” – replace full stop with commaPage 154: “you haven't heard of them, brothers... and if I could defeat them” – formatting of the three dotsPage 156: “Not very... fair” – formatting of the three dotsPage 156: …snapped Takanuva, “What about Brutaka's weapons…” – replace comma with full stopPage 156: “…to clean out that nest of Stone Rats” – like before, I think “Stone Rats” should not be capitalizedPage 156: “Tuyet turned her over to her friend Roodaka and, well... she wound up an interesting exhibit” – formatting of the three dotsPage 157: “probably more than he could hope for, but...” – formatting of the three dots at the endPage 157: “So I keep an eye out for things she wants, like this Mask here…” – “Mask” should not be capitalized Page 157: “…catching the Makuta in an energy pincers” – even though this is the way it’s in the original text, this phrase obviously has a mistake. By removing “an”, it starts to make sensePage 158: “Triggering his mask power. he summoned two duplicates of himself” – replace full stop with commaPage 158: “…like a fire that burned unchecked [-] it left nothing but devastation…” – add dash where indicatedPage 158: “…I think you want us to get it for you.[“] – add quotation marks at the endPage 158: “Krika chuckled – remove the quotation marks at the beginningPage 159: “and the two dosed in on Onua” – “dosed” should be “closed”Page 159: “In fact, we hate ‘em so much…” – small thing, but the apostrophe should be reversed The part that ends chapter 26, with Teridax entering the Core Processor, is problematic in my eyes. The event it depicts canonically happened BEFORE Matoro’s sacrifice, yet Teridax thinks about the fights of the Toa Nuva and the Makuta while doing what he’s doing. It would require some edits to make this completely accurate, but I at least think the paragraph should be moved much earlier in the book, closer to the moment when the event actually happened. Page 161: “Mazeka accepted that it would be his last sight in life …” – remove the space between “life” and the dotsPage 161: “But –-” Mazeka began – remove the second dashPage 162: “Said he was heading to the core …that’s all he said” – move the three dots to the leftPage 163: “I ran into Tahu and Kopaka not long ago, and... are you sure this is a good idea?” – formatting of the three dotsPage 163: Then he said[,] “Lesovikk, you are out of your mind” – add comma where indicatedPage 164: “…thief, assassin and conqueror –was bored” – there should be a space between the dash and the “was”Page 164: …said the Vortixx, “Just… cleaning up…” – replace comma with full stopPage 164: “…the Vortixx cried out, “that’s… that’s not necessary…” – replace comma with full stop and capitalize “That’s”Page 164: “I said I will help you” – “said” and “help” being in italics is a bit oddPage 164: “…he decided some followup questions were in order…” – “I still think “followup” should be “follow-up”Page 164: “…picking up a wickedly sharp blade, “You have no mind” – replace comma with full stopPage 164: …babbled Vezon, “There is no army” – replace comma with full stopPage 165: “…teleport the island off the shores of Metru Nui…” – not sure about this, but doesn’t “off the shores” here seem to refer to teleporting AWAY from Metru Nui? The context is that Tridax wants to teleport the island TO Metru Nui…Page 165: “Pridak had siled off without him…” – “siled” should be “sailed” The Final Battle + serials I noticed that you omitted the introduction chapter to The Final Battle book, that talks about the creation of Karda Nui. It doesn’t bother me at all and is not necessary to include, but I was curious as to why it’s not included. Page 166: “…he adruptly shut the field off” – “adruptly” should be “abruptly”Page 166: “…probably [into] something worse than what they were…” – add “into” where indicated (this is a mistake in the original text)Page 166: “Let’s just give the berries to them.[‘] Well, everyone thought…” – add apostrophe where indicatedPage 167: “…incredible power far out-classing any Toa” – “out-classing” should be “outclassing”Page 167: “…it seemed like – ow! – a good idea at the time” – “ow!” should be in italics Page 170: “…and a sphere of Water around the Dark Hunter's head…” – “Water” should not be capitalizedPage 170: “Kopaka flash-froze Akhmou…” – “Akhmou” should be “Ahkmou”Page 170: “…into little pieces of crystalline Protodermis” – Protodermis is usually not capitalized in other story materialPage 171: The paragraph starting with “Takanuva took one last look around” requires several paragraph divisions. They’re all on biosector, so I’m not gonna elaborate on each one herePage 171: “Krika used his Vacuum power…” – “Vacuum” should not be capitalizedPage 171: …she said, “Or rather…” – replace comma with full stopPage 171: “I am much more... competent” – formatting of the three dotsPage 171: …she replied, “How unfortunate for you” – replace comma with full stop Page 174: “Some attempt to weaken the boa’s ranks?” – “boa’s” should be “Toa’s”Page 174: “Turaga Matau had said some-thing about…” – “some-thing” should be “something”Page 174: “If you would – ow – not flatten me…” – “ow” should be in italicsPage 175: “…and it just looked like he was taking a nap” – “looked” should be in italicsPage 175: “Wish I had a Mask of X-Ray Vision right about now,” Pohatu muttered – It might be a bit confusing to readers not familiar with the most detailed lore why Pohatu doesn’t mention him actually having an Akaku, and just not being able to call on it in Karda Nui. One way to address this would be to change “a Mask” to “my Mask”. I know you may not wanna do that, since we’re trying to keep the original text intact as much as possible, but this change would at least attempt to address the issuePage 175: “Does the `Toa of Life’…” – reverse the first apostrophePage 175: “I’ll only be beat-ing everyone else here…” – “beat-ing” should be “beating”Page 175: “…for what might all Mata Nui” – “all” should be “ail”Page 176: “…can start again some-where else” – “some-where” should be “somewhere” Returning again to the point I made about separating chapters more, I found chapter 29 to be particularly long. Page 177: “…he said in disbelief, “Is that what you call…” – replace comma with full stopPage 178: Takanuva asked, “Or maybe it’s just beginning” – replace comma with full stopPage 178: Remove line division between “Takanuva looked right into Tuyet’s eyes” and “Then who would there be left to protect?”Page 178: Same as above, but between “Tuyet smiled” and “Very clever, Toa”Page 178: “…one where they might welcome a ruler like you.[“] – add quotation marks at the end Page 178: “…yanking him away from his fate. A moment later he felt the hard stone…” – remove the additional space between “fate.” and “A moment”Page 179: …asked Ancient, “And why would a Vortixx…” – replace comma with full stopPage 179: “Two beams of power lanced out of The Shadowed Ones’ eyes” – “The” should not be capitalizedPage 179: “Two beams of power lanced out of The Shadowed Ones’ eyes” – Ones’ should be One’sPage 180: “…hurled a blast of Shadow at Vezon” – “Shadow” should not be capitalizedPage 180: …he said, “I prefer seashells, myself” – replace comma with full stopPage 180: “…a creature that could drain the Light out of others and turn them into beings of Shadow” – “Light” and “Shadow” should not be capitalizedPage 180: “…and feeding his Light to my pets” – same as abovePage 180: “Startled, he let his Shadow power lapse” – and againPage 180: “…and his Antidermis was leaking out into the air” – I also think antidermis hasn’t been capitalized before Now we get to Takanuva’s Blog. First of all, I think it might be good to add “Takanuva’s Blog” or “From Takanuva’s Blog”, for the same reason I suggested doing it with The Mutran Chronicles. Secondly, many of the entries throughout the book are completely redundant and only serve to pause the momentum of the story. It’s not very exciting to read a same scene twice, especially since Takanuva’s Blog doesn’t really include much introspection that wouldn’t be covered by the books already. So I would suggest removing the entries, unless they depict events not depicted elsewhere. Since that doesn’t leave many entries, it might make sense to have the “Takanuva’s Blog” heading before each one. If there are consecutive entries though, just clarifying before the first of them would be necessary, and the rest could be separated by paragraph divisons. In fact, I think the entries won’t need to be labelled as “Entry #”, but just included as paragraphs under the “Takanuva’s Blog” heading. Page 181: “His journey had begun in the city of Metru Nui, courtesy of a Great Mask worn by a being named Brutaka. His mission was to travel to Karda Nui and bring vital information to the Toa Nuva.” – since you’ve already edited the beginning of the chapter, I think the section quoted here should also be removed. It’s kinda odd and out of place in the current version (besides, by this time the beginning and reason for Takanuva’s journey has already been repeated many times throughout the book)Page 181: “Gali was going to ask more questions. but she was distracted…” – replace full stop with commaPage 181-183: Entries 3-9 should be removed, since they only repeat what the reader just readPage 183: “…using whatever extra equipment he’d had stored outside the hive” – “he’d” should be “he”Page 183: “But they come here and risk their lives for Matoron they don’t even know” – “Matoron” should be “Matoran”Page 183: “And what have done?” – add “I” where indicatedPage 183: “no, everything I was told to do” – “told” should not be in italics (cause it’s emphasis within italics)Page 184: “…even at the cost of my own life” – remove additional space between “cost” and “of”Page 184: “We had only be flying a few minutes…” – “be” should be “been”Page 184: “…Makuta who got transformed somehow into [the] big pests you see” – add “the” where indicatedPage 184: “Better off staying away from them, they’re –-” – remove the second dashPage 184: “I didn’t need to be told that [a] sting from one of them could do more than itch” – add “a” where indicatedPage 184: “…a light blast against them…but then I thought…” – add a space before “but then”Page 184: Entry 13 requires multiple line divisionsPage 184: “Frankley, if I had been a Makuta…” – “Frankley” should be “Frankly”Page 184: “1…2…3…” – add spaces between the dots and numbersPage 185: “your journey here was… eventful, Takanuva[.]” – add full stop where indicatedPage 185: “Then he is –-?” asked Pohatu – remove the second dashPage 185: The beginning of Entry 17 is a useful addition, but the paragraph “Tahu wasted no time on welcoming me. He produced six fragments of stone and asked us all to read them. They contained, he said, the secret to awakening the Great Spirit. I really wished I could share in the moment… so close to achieving their destiny… but the time had come to tell what I knew” overlaps with other writing and should be removedPage 186: “…it has changed color.” Kopaka said – replace full stop with commaPage 186: “…he described it as a ‘golden mask.’“ – turn the last quotation marks aroundPage 186: Entry 18 is redundant Page 187: “…not the best day the Toa Mahri ever had …” – remove the space between “had” and the three dots at the endPage 187: “the arrogant one was the same” – “one” should be “tone”Page 187-188: “Paralyzed on a beach, about to be slain by Visorak or incinerated by lava? Is that the stuff of which legends are made? I think not. No, don’t bother looking around for me… not that you could, in your condition. I am not on Artidax, but somewhere far away. Still, my powers have increased, so I can see and speak to you just the same. Jaller, Jaller… Vakama had such hopes for you, and look at you now. As a Toa, you make a good statue. Of course, I should object to what you had planned for my Visorak… you and whoever set the volcano to erupt. But you didn’t know about that, did you? And it would be such a shame to miss “seeing” your expression when you find out the truth …” – all of this should be in italicsPage 188: “your expression when you find out the truth …” – remove the space between “truth” and the dotsPage 188: “Well ….” Vezon said – remove the space after “Well” and one of the dots (there’s 4 instead of 3) Page 190: “…a rain of rubble on the assem-bled Makuta” – “assem-bled” should be “assembled”Page 191: “…peppering the Makuta with elemen-tal energy” – “elemen-tal” should be “elemental”Page 191: “Employing only a minor surge of power. he repaired the armor” – replace full stop with commaPage 191: “I seem to remember fighting here. arguing” – replace full stop with commaPage 192: “…six huge lightstones rose out of its sur-face” – “sur-face” should be “surface”Page 192: “…his ability to dis-guise his presence…” – “dis-guise” should be “disguise”Page 192: “As soon [as] his armored foot touched…” – add “as” where indicatedPage 192: “Tahu was more interested in the ring of light-stones” – “light-stones” should be “lightstones”Page 192: “…we may have been here before.” said Lewa – replace full stop with commaPage 192-193: Entries 19-21 are redundant (even if you were to keep Entry 21, that one mistakenly claims that Lewa found the Axalara, even though it was Pohatu)Page 193: “…a better plan than the cur-rent leader” – “cur-rent” should be “current”Page 193: “I expect us to act” – “us” should be in italicsPage 194: “The tip of his foreleg struck the field . . . and made it through!” – remove the spaces between the dotsPage 194: There should be a paragraph division b Edited May 20, 2018 by Toatapio Nuva 1 Quote My BZPRPG profiles - Viima, Lai Lai Kirgan, Jarkale, Hile, Tuli + Kavala, Khervos, Thira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 Okay, MAJOR update time! Read on for details. So, finally, I’ve gone through the entirety of book 8. I know it took quite a bit of time, so apologies for that. Anyway, there’s quite a bit of stuff to point about the book. I mostly like the order you put the different parts of the story in, but I have many major points on the structuring of the chapters. The big point I have in general is that most of the chapters, especially in the latter half of the book, are way too long, to the point that it started to affect the reading experience. This is because at some point the chapters start to combine book chapters with chapters from multiple serials. It would be a lot better to have a separate chapter for each book/serial chapter in this compilation. At the very least, book chapters should be separated from serial chapters. Some of my points further down the line link to the issue I have with the length of the chapters, but this is the gist of it. Then the more detailed feedback: IntroductionPage 3: “Their improvised booster packs let them fly for short distances, so as long as they used them wisely” – this is the way it’s in the original text, but I think it should be either “so long as” or “as long as”Page 3: “they could make the trip up and back” – in the previous sentence, the Matoran are referred to as going down in the swamp, so I think “up” was intended as “down” herePage 4: “It’s almost as if she isn’t trying to catch me,” thought Tanma, “just keep me moving in that direction.” – Tanma’s thoughts should be in italicsPage 4: “Tanma scrambled to his feet and stared to run” – “stared” should be “started” The Mutran ChroniclesOk, now we get to the Mutran Chronicles, and I have quite a lot to say about how it’s structured. Firstly, I think it might be good to add the heading “Mutran Chronicles” or “From the chronicles of Mutran” or something of the sort, since otherwise the narrative jumps kinda suddenly from the normal third person to someone’s blog. I think the way you did it with Gali Nuva’s blog in the previous book was good, so maybe apply that here as well? The second point I have is that putting all of Mutran’s entries in one chapter makes it WAY too long. I know you also did that with Makuta’s Diary at the end, but Mutran Chronicles is a lot longer overall. I know why you decided to do this though, since making each entry its own chapter wouldn’t feel that natural, but I figured it would be something to consider nonetheless. As for what was debated way earlier in this thread about putting the entries in italics, I don’t think it’s necessary, since it’s such a long serial. Page 5: “That is, unless it starts eating Xians and grows into a Mountain” – Mountain shouldn’t be capitalized, since in this context Mutran’s not referring to the entity, but rather a mountain in general termsPage 6: “And so the formation of the League of Six Kingdoms came of little surprise to us” – “of” should be “as” (I think…)Page 8: “In the interests of the sanity [of] anyone reading this, I will not” – add “of” where indicatedPage 9: “hurl a bolt of Shadow energy from his gauntlet” – “Shadow” should not be capitalized (this will be a recurring point I have throughout the book)Page 11: “Teridax ordered part of the island razed anyway, as a reminder to them to be more careful in future” – shouldn’t “reminder to them” be “reminder for them”?Page 11: “Teridax ordered part of the island razed anyway, as a reminder to them to be more careful in [the] future” – add “the” where indicatedPage 12: “…and it was all I could to do to shapeshift a pair of claws…” – remove the first “to”Page 13: “…readying himself for the prophesied arrival of the Toa Mata…” – “prophesied” should be “prophesized”Page 13: “…we were to go to Karda Nui immediately, seize it, and see to it [that] any Av-Matoran there would pose no threat” – add “that” where indicated Federation of FearThen we get to Federation of Fear. Just as these chapters are kept separate, I think the same should be done with the Mutran Chronicles to ensure cohesion. Even if The Mutran Chronicles is left untouched though, most of the chapters in book 8 should be separated the same way it's done in Federation of Fear, with each chapter split into its own, separate chapter. Page 16: “The trader smiled and invited the party out to view his prize craft” – “prize” should probably be “prized”Page 23: “Vast walls of rock suddenly sprang up from the shore line…” – “shore line” should be “shoreline”Page 24: “I would know what has gone on in the universe in the last 100 millennia” – the context indicates that Tren Krom either means “would not know”, or “want to know” (most likely the latter)Page 28: “Vezon the Vanquisher? Or Lariska –-” – for some reason there are two dashes at the end, the second one should be removed. This issue repeats itself numerous times throughout the serial sections of the compilationPage 30: “But I will not be dictated to by some obnoxious, insane –-” – same as abovePage 30: “…summoning a Rhotuka disk into her launcher” – Rhotuka are not disks, nor does Roodaka actually use a launcher to create them, as far as I know. In any case, the word “disk” should be moved, even if the mention of the launcher is keptPage 30: “…the power of her disk mutating them into unrecognizable creatures…” – again, Rhotuka are not disks (in previous instances, they’re described as “wheels of energy”)Page 31: ““Or maybe they just know we have to go back…” – there are too many quotation marks at the beginningPage 32: “We’re going to need –-” – again, remove the extra dashPage 32: “…so I would be just a head, and –-” – again, the dash thing Shadows in the Sky & Swamp of Secrets + serialsOk, chapter 12 (on page 35) should definitely come before Federation of Fear (maybe even before the Mutran Chronicles, though that is more debatable). This chapter is meant to introduce 2008, and technically occurs during the last few chapters of the previous books, so it’s really strange to have it so late in book 8 (especially since Federation of Fear chronologically occurs after it). However, the part with Takanuva at the end of the chapter should stay where it is, becoming its own chapter (it’s certainly long enough to be one). Page 35: This is a first [-] someone expecting a being born of the shadows to look on the bright side” – add dash where indicatedPage 37: “I said Toa wouldn’t act this way.” Solek replied – replace full stop with commaPage 39: “His Mask of Power matched the description of a Suletu, or Mask of Telepathy” – technically, Krakua’s Suletu is shaped like a Hau, but I guess it doesn’t really matter unless you wanna go for 100% canonicityPage 39: “…we would have another worry,[“] said Helryx – add quotation marks where indicatedPage 39: “So you will listen…” – “will” should be in italicsPage 39: “…and you will hear!” – “will” should be in italics here tooPage 40: “You have much to learn [-] and time is not your friend” – add dash where indicatedPage 43: “And where is here?” – “where is here” should be in italics Now we get to the first of Takanuva’s visions from the past, and I must say, each of those should definitely be their own chapters. Putting them together with other chapters makes them way too long. Page 44: “Kopaka, Toa of Ice. “ – remove the space between the latter comma and turn it aroundPage 45: “Thanks – ow! – for telling us” – “ow!” should be in italicsPage 45: “…there was a long, narrow plat-form…” – “plat-form” should be “platform”Page 46: “When Karda Nui was discovered by Vamprah a week ago…” – the Mutran Chronicles state that Karda Nui was discovered by Vultraz, who told Gorast about it. So it wasn’t Vamprah.Page 47: “Then the Matoran I left, and we…” – remove the “I”Page 47: “Could we maybe stop with the happy memories and concentrate on now?” – “now” should be in italicsPage 48: “I’ve discovered a way to force a being to shape-shift…” – “shape-shift” should be “shapeshift”Page 49: Lewa smiled. “‘Cause I ever-always end up…” – small thing, but the one quotation mark before “Cause” should be turned aroundPage 50: “Now you’re disarmed, and you can’t see” – “and” should be in italicsPage 51: “That cannot be soon enough for me.” said Kopaka – replace full stop with comma I love the way you incorporated the script for the cancelled comic. It resolves the plot of the previous comic really nicely. Page 57: “Huh? What? Where--?” – make the two dashes at the end one dash for the sake of consistencyPage 59: “…they had fought off a score of attacks by dark Matoran, shadow leeches, and one particularly nasty Makuta” – this contradicts the comics, since it only mentions fighting one MakutaPage 60: “They’re just keeping an eye on us.” said Tanma – replace full stop with commaPage 60: “In Kopaka’s eyes, that made him a fool [-] but it also…” – add dash where indicatedPage 60: [“]But you’re about to help your old friends.” – first quotation marks are missingPage 61: “Another pre-vented the conquest of Metru Nui…” – “pre-vented” should be “prevented”Page 61: “…you underestimate Toa – any Toa – at your peril” – “any” should be in italicsPage 62: “…sat up unsteadily [-] and immediately knew something was very wrong” – add dash where indicatedPage 62: “He really, truly, deeply hated the water” – “deeply” should be in italicsPage 63: “…and tell me when I said you couldn’t work together?” – “couldn’t” should be in italicsPage 64: “…for having the power to change, to protect, to act” – “act” should be in italicsPage 65: “…spread their darkness through-out the universe” – “through-out” should be “throughout”Page 67: “In the next instant. half a dozen more Bitils appeared…” – replace full stop with commaPage 72: “That was sharp-smart to fool him into thinking we already knew where it was.” said Lewa – replace full stop with commaPage 72: “…unlike, say, ‘sky-blaster.”‘ – “sky-blaster” should be “skyblaster” and the quotation marks at the end should be organized differentlyPage 72: Combine the paragraphs ending in “Pohatu finally allowed himself to exclaim” and starting with “What the rampaging Rahi was that?!” and put a comma between themPage 73: “And I didn’t trigger the Mask of Speed.” said Pohatu – replace full stop with commaPage 73: “You mean those Toa Nuva?” – “those” should be in italicsPage 74: “Toa are always so noisy.” hissed the Makuta – replace full stop with commaPage 74: …hissed the Makuta[.] “No wonder I could never…” – add full stop where indicatedPage 74: “…or even being one of his experiments…” – “being” should be in italicsPage 75: Then the Toa of Fire said. “Nowhere” – replace full stop with commaPage 75: “…there would be no one to do what had to be done” – this is the way it’s in the original text, but it seems to me that “had” should be “has” (not sure, just putting it out there)Page 76: “You and I are going to have a long talk…” – “long” should be in italics After Takanuva’s last vision of the past, we skip to a different plot point before returning to Takanuva talking with Helryx about the visions. I think this breaks the flow, and it would be better if the scene where Takanuva is sent on his mission were right after the last vision, as it is in the original book. Page 77: There should be a line division between “Maybe we missed something,” suggested Pohatu. and “I know they’re here,” said Tanma.Page 77: …muttered Lewa. [“]Whatever happened to the small Rahi beasts?” – add quotation marks where indicatedPage 77: “When’s the last time we met a giant, slimy, jaw-mouth full of teeth, peaceful Rahi?” – “peaceful” should be in italicsPage 78: “…precarious hold over the power I of ice slipped, even a little?” – remove the “I”Page 79: “…he knew what it was [-] the life was being drained from him” – add dash where indicatedPage 79: …muttered the Toa of Stone. [“]Your mask… - add quotation marks where indicatedPage 80: “But none with your ability, the mastery of Light itself” – I don’t think “Light” should be capitalized in this instancePage 82: “If I am right. the Makuta have much bigger plans…” – replace full stop with commaPage 82: “…than just controlling Karda Nui [-] and we may need the Toa Nuva…” – add dash where indicatedPage 83: “He had just spied two figures materializing in The Green Belt” – I don’t think “The” should be capitalized, since it’s not part of the namePage 83: Instead, he said[,] “Come with us…” – add comma where indicatedPage 83: “Things must be desperate if they’re if they’re calling on an old war Rahi like you” – remove the extra “if they’re”Page 83: “Oh, by the way, have you met tall, green, and gruesome here?” – canonically, Miserix is red, but I’m not sure if he’s actually been described as such in any of the other serials, so I don’t know if this point is relevant or not…Page 84: “Across the corrider were two great water tanks” – “corrider” should be “corridor”Page 84: “he had made an effort to trade their lives to the Zyglak in exchanged for his…” – “exchanged” should be “exchange”Page 84: “…but he did aide in the rescue of Makuta Miserix” – “aide” should be “aid”Page 84: “No,” said Trinuma, “I think they said something…” – replace the comma after “Trinuma” with a full stop Now, concerning Takanuva’s journey in the Kestora universe… I know it occurs canonically before the other two alternate universe stories, but him already holding the power lance makes it confusing. The thing is, this could easily be amended by placing this story AFTER The Kingdom story. It wouldn’t contradict anything, and would explain him having the power lance in the Kestora universe. Page 92: “…huge claws, and a a mouth full of sharp teeth” – if possible, the additional “a” should be removedPage 95: “Takanuva expected to hear cheering from the villagers .” – If possible, remove the space before the full stop Page 107: “These aren’t just doubles – they are me” – “are” should be in italicsPage 107: “They are all me” – “all” should be in italicsPage 107: “Unfortunately, they – we – never seem to remember…” – “we” should be in italicsPage 108: “But now, Fate had sent her a Toa…” – Should “Fate” really be capitalized? It is in the original text…Page 110: “…oh, yes. I know who you are” – replace full stop after “yes” with a commaPage 110: [“]Do you know why the Brotherhood of Makuta hates Toa…” – add quotation marks in the beginning of the sentence Page 111: “Vortixx cannot stand …” – remove space between “stand” and the dotsPage 112: “Iruini, wait –-” began Norik – remove the second dashPage 112: “My friends and I have just completed a mission on Vortixx” – “Vortixx” should be “Xia”Page 112: “…and my new allies have asked to me to insure that…” – remove the first “to” In The Kingdom text, there are several places where it seems that specific words should be in italics. Is there a way to check from the original source which words should be in italics? Page 113: “…there was the presence of law enforcers…” – there seems to be an additional space between “law” and “enforcers”Page 113: “What… I mean, how …?” – remove the space after “how”Page 114: “Toa Matoro –referred to in the carvings…” – there doesn’t seem to be a space after the dashPage 114: “Even as more and more beings poured…” – there seems to be an additional space between “and” and “more”Page 114: “…in that short an amount of time…” – there seems to be an additional space between “of” and “time”Page 114: “…a prime Skakdi warlord,the Bahrag…” – add space before “the Bahrag”Page 114: “…he had to admit that part of his wished he didn’t have to leave…” – “his” should be “him” Page 117: “…still dripping liquid proto-dermis…” – “proto-dermis” should be “protodermis”Page 118: “…ebony throne normally reserved for the Teridax, Makuta of Metru Nui” – remove “the” (or perhaps it’s supposed to be after the word Teridax, before Makuta?)Page 119: “…you get it not by outwitting him [-] you get it by stepping over his corpse” – add dash where indicated Page 121: …said the dragon, “A Nui-Rama doesn’t buzz…” – replace comma with full stopPage 122: …asked Vezon, “Why are we going?” – replace comma with full stopPage 122: …answered Vezon, “Secret mission means…” – replace comma with full stopPage 122: “…I won’t tell anyone. And you still haven’t answered…” – there seems to be an additional space between “anyone” and “And”Page 122: “…or my followups” – shouldn’t it be “follow-ups”?Page 122: “Destral… Destral – wait a minute…” – the text on Biosector doesn’t have a dash there, but a full stop instead. Three dots could also work thoughPage 122: “Theft? Assassination?” – there seems to be an additional space between these words Page 123: “How …?” said Takanuva, looking down at the lance – remove the space after “how”Page 123: “And if that’s not enough –-” – remove the second dashPage 123: I think there should be a paragraph division between “There’s no telling how much time we have.” And “Once they were back on the street…”Page 123: There definitely needs to be a paragraph division between “You can go see him if you like – I want nothing to do with him.” And “Takanuva expected that Matoro would be living…”Page 123: “Matoro, I …” Takanuva began – remove the space after “I”Page 123: There should be a paragraph division between “Now, come on – we have a kingdom to save.” and “Tanma was not at all happy to see Matoro along…”Page 124: “Then we have a problem.” said Takanuva – replace full stop with commaPage 124: “But it lasted just long enough…” – there seems to be an additional space between “But” and “it”Page 125: “Now do you see?” said Makuta. “You must –-” – remove the second dashPage 125: “I am the stronger! I am –-” – remove the second dashPage 125: “You once told the Toa Mata that you could not be destroyed…” – there seems to be an additional space between “You” and “once”Page 126: There should be a paragraph division between “He had not escaped this final confrontation.” and “Takanuva pondered for a long time…”Page 126: “…the Toa who had been granted that rarest of commodities…” – “that” should be “the” Page 126: “If you can’t do it …” – remove the space after “it”Page 127: “we are going to [a] place of death…” – add “a” where indicated Page 128: “If that happens, we want them to be our Toa” – “our” should be in italicsPage 128: “…care not at all for you, or the Brother-hood’s precious plan” – “Brother-hood’s” should be “Brotherhood’s”Page 128: “…making no effort [to] hide the sarcasm in his voice” – add “to” where indicatedPage 128: “Make yourself useful [-] find that mysterious Toa and get that mask” – add dash where indicatedPage 129: “Vamprah struck a nearby outcropping of pieces” – should be “Vamprah struck a nearby outcropping of rock, shattering it”Page 129: “…Gavla barely hanging on[.] Quickly, he gathered…” – add full stop where indicatedPage 129: “By the time he righted himself. Pohatu and Photok were on him” – replace full stop with comma Page 131: “There were other statues too, of Toa Takanuva did not recognize…” – not exactly sure what this should be, but the sentence is clearly mixed up in some wayPage 131: There should be a division of paragraph between “Let me pass, please, before–” and “The temperature suddenly dropped all around”Page 131: “…Kapura was locked in a foot-thick shell…” – there seems to be an additional space between “in” and “a”Page 131: “…cried out from the intense cold” – same as above, between “intense” and “cold”Page 133: You refer to the universe of Dark Mirror as Mirror Universe, but isn’t it usually called the Toa Empire Universe? In a book where the short story isn’t titled as Dark Mirror, the Mirror Universe name doesn’t make much sense Also, a small thing perhaps, but throughout the different chapters of Dark Mirror, almost every apostrophe (‘) is different than in the other sources Page 133: “Make yourself comfortable.” said Tahu – replace full stop with commaPage 133: …said Takanuva, “what is going on around here?” – replace comma with full stop and capitalize “what”Page 133: “I see,” said Takua, “you're not one of the smarter ones” – same as abovePage 134: “I-I don't know,” said Takanuva, “I'm not even sure where I am” – same as abovePage 134: “I can't believe this.” said Takanuva – replace full stop with commaPage 134: …said Takanuva, “Tahu and Kopaka insane…” – replace comma with full stopPage 134: “…Tahu and Kopaka insane – or worse…” – replace dash with commaPage 134: “Listen, umm...” – small thing, but the three dots are formatted differently from the other similar onesPage 134: “…said Takua, “Toa Tuyet tapped into…” – replace comma with full stop Page 134: “…I will send you back where you came from in pieces… “ – remove space between the dots and the quotations, and turn the quotation marks at the end aroundPage 135: There should be a paragraph division between “I see you brought company,” he said to Onua. and “It couldn’t be helped. Gali has been weakened, and you don’t look too well yourself.”Page 135: “…with Tahu and Gali both low on energy. Onua wasn’t sure how far they would get” – replace full stop with commaPage 136: “…they cannot leave the swamp without this.” he said – replace full stop with commaPage 136: “Be very careful that you make no mistakes…” – “very” should be in italicsPage 136: “Be very careful that you make no mistakes, brother [-] not now…” – add dash where indicatedPage 137: “…that will guide them the rest of their lives.” the Matoran replied – replace full stop with comma Page 138: “…to use on the Stone Rats who keep paying midnight visits” – haven’t stone rats been written in lower case in previous books?Page 138: “…loot their weapons and slay their warriors.” Axonn said – replace full stop with commaPage 138: …whispered Brutaka, “We still have to go…” – replace comma with full stopPage 138: “That’s a lot of work.” Axonn agreed – replace full stop with commaPage 138: “…as a tribute to the fallen hero” – there seems to be an additional space between “fallen” and “hero”Page 138: There should probably be a line division between “…but it did little to dispel the grief he felt over his death.” and “He had to admit…”Page 139: “…troubled him that the Toa Mahri have been unable to fulfill their destiny without…” – “have” should be “had”Page 139: “When Jaller could see again[,] six Toa stood in front of him” – add comma where indicatedPage 139: “But I decided, why pretend to betray them…” – why is “pretend” in italics? Page 139: …asked Takua.”How did you take out those Vahki…” – add a space between “Takua.” and “How”Page 140: …Takanuva said, “Even Toa as mad…” – replace comma with full stopPage 140: “I'm... a friend” – again, the three dots are formatted differently Page 142: “…the powers of Stone and Fire resealed the entrance” – I don’t think stone and fire should be capitalized in this contextPage 143: “He hurled the power of Life at Icarax” – same as above, with LifePage 146: “…best time to try to and jog one’s memory” – there seems to be an additional space between “to” and “and” Page 147: “I'm not...” Takanuva began – again, the formatting with the three dotsPage 147: “…the ultimate weapon against beings of Shadow” – I don’t think "Shadow" should be capitalizedPage 147: …he continued, “I come from…” – replace comma with full stopPage 147: “A Ta-Matoran, someone named Jaller” – I know this was already addressed, and I can’t say the arguments for keeping the name as Jaller don’t make sense. I would personally change the name to Jala, but it really doesn’t make much difference.Page 148: “You know what we’re here for” – remove extra space between “what” and “we’re”Page 148: “…with instructions to bring it to the volcanic island…” – same as above, but between “to” and “bring” Page 150: “Please excuse my sister [-] she has always been lightthirsty…” – add dash where indicatedPage 151: “Both looked just as surprised as the three Makuta[.] The Mask of Life was a Toa now?” – add full stop where indicatedPage 151: “…stop worrying about Icarax [-] he was a miserable heap of Zivon spittle…” – add dash where indicatedPage 151: “…it is not necessary to chase your quarry [-] simply be waiting at their destination” – add dash where indicatedPage 151: “Come on, Onua [-] you’re the one who taught me…” – add dash where indicatedPage 152: “…Tahu Nuva eyed the three Makuta[.] He and his team had opted…” – add full stop where indicated Page 153: “Speak[,] or face the power…” – not 100% sure about this, but I think a comma should be added where indicatedPage 154: “Have you ever heard of... Takutanuva?” – formatting of the three dotsPage 154: “the flame serpents of the Tren Krom Break, or even...” he dropped his voice – same as abovePage 154: “he dropped his voice for effect. “…even the Kolhii creature…” – replace full stop with commaPage 154: “you haven't heard of them, brothers... and if I could defeat them” – formatting of the three dotsPage 156: “Not very... fair” – formatting of the three dotsPage 156: …snapped Takanuva, “What about Brutaka's weapons…” – replace comma with full stopPage 156: “…to clean out that nest of Stone Rats” – like before, I think “Stone Rats” should not be capitalizedPage 156: “Tuyet turned her over to her friend Roodaka and, well... she wound up an interesting exhibit” – formatting of the three dotsPage 157: “probably more than he could hope for, but...” – formatting of the three dots at the endPage 157: “So I keep an eye out for things she wants, like this Mask here…” – “Mask” should not be capitalized Page 157: “…catching the Makuta in an energy pincers” – even though this is the way it’s in the original text, this phrase obviously has a mistake. By removing “an”, it starts to make sensePage 158: “Triggering his mask power. he summoned two duplicates of himself” – replace full stop with commaPage 158: “…like a fire that burned unchecked [-] it left nothing but devastation…” – add dash where indicatedPage 158: “…I think you want us to get it for you.[“] – add quotation marks at the endPage 158: “Krika chuckled – remove the quotation marks at the beginningPage 159: “and the two dosed in on Onua” – “dosed” should be “closed”Page 159: “In fact, we hate ‘em so much…” – small thing, but the apostrophe should be reversed The part that ends chapter 26, with Teridax entering the Core Processor, is problematic in my eyes. The event it depicts canonically happened BEFORE Matoro’s sacrifice, yet Teridax thinks about the fights of the Toa Nuva and the Makuta while doing what he’s doing. It would require some edits to make this completely accurate, but I at least think the paragraph should be moved much earlier in the book, closer to the moment when the event actually happened. Page 161: “Mazeka accepted that it would be his last sight in life …” – remove the space between “life” and the dotsPage 161: “But –-” Mazeka began – remove the second dashPage 162: “Said he was heading to the core …that’s all he said” – move the three dots to the leftPage 163: “I ran into Tahu and Kopaka not long ago, and... are you sure this is a good idea?” – formatting of the three dotsPage 163: Then he said[,] “Lesovikk, you are out of your mind” – add comma where indicatedPage 164: “…thief, assassin and conqueror –was bored” – there should be a space between the dash and the “was”Page 164: …said the Vortixx, “Just… cleaning up…” – replace comma with full stopPage 164: “…the Vortixx cried out, “that’s… that’s not necessary…” – replace comma with full stop and capitalize “That’s”Page 164: “I said I will help you” – “said” and “help” being in italics is a bit oddPage 164: “…he decided some followup questions were in order…” – “I still think “followup” should be “follow-up”Page 164: “…picking up a wickedly sharp blade, “You have no mind” – replace comma with full stopPage 164: …babbled Vezon, “There is no army” – replace comma with full stopPage 165: “…teleport the island off the shores of Metru Nui…” – not sure about this, but doesn’t “off the shores” here seem to refer to teleporting AWAY from Metru Nui? The context is that Tridax wants to teleport the island TO Metru Nui…Page 165: “Pridak had siled off without him…” – “siled” should be “sailed” The Final Battle + serialsI noticed that you omitted the introduction chapter to The Final Battle book, that talks about the creation of Karda Nui. It doesn’t bother me at all and is not necessary to include, but I was curious as to why it’s not included. Page 166: “…he adruptly shut the field off” – “adruptly” should be “abruptly”Page 166: “…probably [into] something worse than what they were…” – add “into” where indicated (this is a mistake in the original text)Page 166: “Let’s just give the berries to them.[‘] Well, everyone thought…” – add apostrophe where indicatedPage 167: “…incredible power far out-classing any Toa” – “out-classing” should be “outclassing”Page 167: “…it seemed like – ow! – a good idea at the time” – “ow!” should be in italics Page 170: “…and a sphere of Water around the Dark Hunter's head…” – “Water” should not be capitalizedPage 170: “Kopaka flash-froze Akhmou…” – “Akhmou” should be “Ahkmou”Page 170: “…into little pieces of crystalline Protodermis” – Protodermis is usually not capitalized in other story materialPage 171: The paragraph starting with “Takanuva took one last look around” requires several paragraph divisions. They’re all on biosector, so I’m not gonna elaborate on each one herePage 171: “Krika used his Vacuum power…” – “Vacuum” should not be capitalizedPage 171: …she said, “Or rather…” – replace comma with full stopPage 171: “I am much more... competent” – formatting of the three dotsPage 171: …she replied, “How unfortunate for you” – replace comma with full stop Page 174: “Some attempt to weaken the boa’s ranks?” – “boa’s” should be “Toa’s”Page 174: “Turaga Matau had said some-thing about…” – “some-thing” should be “something”Page 174: “If you would – ow – not flatten me…” – “ow” should be in italicsPage 175: “…and it just looked like he was taking a nap” – “looked” should be in italicsPage 175: “Wish I had a Mask of X-Ray Vision right about now,” Pohatu muttered – It might be a bit confusing to readers not familiar with the most detailed lore why Pohatu doesn’t mention him actually having an Akaku, and just not being able to call on it in Karda Nui. One way to address this would be to change “a Mask” to “my Mask”. I know you may not wanna do that, since we’re trying to keep the original text intact as much as possible, but this change would at least attempt to address the issuePage 175: “Does the `Toa of Life’…” – reverse the first apostrophePage 175: “I’ll only be beat-ing everyone else here…” – “beat-ing” should be “beating”Page 175: “…for what might all Mata Nui” – “all” should be “ail”Page 176: “…can start again some-where else” – “some-where” should be “somewhere” Returning again to the point I made about separating chapters more, I found chapter 29 to be particularly long. Page 177: “…he said in disbelief, “Is that what you call…” – replace comma with full stopPage 178: Takanuva asked, “Or maybe it’s just beginning” – replace comma with full stopPage 178: Remove line division between “Takanuva looked right into Tuyet’s eyes” and “Then who would there be left to protect?”Page 178: Same as above, but between “Tuyet smiled” and “Very clever, Toa”Page 178: “…one where they might welcome a ruler like you.[“] – add quotation marks at the end Page 178: “…yanking him away from his fate. A moment later he felt the hard stone…” – remove the additional space between “fate.” and “A moment”Page 179: …asked Ancient, “And why would a Vortixx…” – replace comma with full stopPage 179: “Two beams of power lanced out of The Shadowed Ones’ eyes” – “The” should not be capitalizedPage 179: “Two beams of power lanced out of The Shadowed Ones’ eyes” – Ones’ should be One’sPage 180: “…hurled a blast of Shadow at Vezon” – “Shadow” should not be capitalizedPage 180: …he said, “I prefer seashells, myself” – replace comma with full stopPage 180: “…a creature that could drain the Light out of others and turn them into beings of Shadow” – “Light” and “Shadow” should not be capitalizedPage 180: “…and feeding his Light to my pets” – same as abovePage 180: “Startled, he let his Shadow power lapse” – and againPage 180: “…and his Antidermis was leaking out into the air” – I also think antidermis hasn’t been capitalized before Now we get to Takanuva’s Blog. First of all, I think it might be good to add “Takanuva’s Blog” or “From Takanuva’s Blog”, for the same reason I suggested doing it with The Mutran Chronicles. Secondly, many of the entries throughout the book are completely redundant and only serve to pause the momentum of the story. It’s not very exciting to read a same scene twice, especially since Takanuva’s Blog doesn’t really include much introspection that wouldn’t be covered by the books already. So I would suggest removing the entries, unless they depict events not depicted elsewhere. Since that doesn’t leave many entries, it might make sense to have the “Takanuva’s Blog” heading before each one. If there are consecutive entries though, just clarifying before the first of them would be necessary, and the rest could be separated by paragraph divisons. In fact, I think the entries won’t need to be labelled as “Entry #”, but just included as paragraphs under the “Takanuva’s Blog” heading. Page 181: “His journey had begun in the city of Metru Nui, courtesy of a Great Mask worn by a being named Brutaka. His mission was to travel to Karda Nui and bring vital information to the Toa Nuva.” – since you’ve already edited the beginning of the chapter, I think the section quoted here should also be removed. It’s kinda odd and out of place in the current version (besides, by this time the beginning and reason for Takanuva’s journey has already been repeated many times throughout the book)Page 181: “Gali was going to ask more questions. but she was distracted…” – replace full stop with commaPage 181-183: Entries 3-9 should be removed, since they only repeat what the reader just readPage 183: “…using whatever extra equipment he’d had stored outside the hive” – “he’d” should be “he”Page 183: “But they come here and risk their lives for Matoron they don’t even know” – “Matoron” should be “Matoran”Page 183: “And what have done?” – add “I” where indicatedPage 183: “no, everything I was told to do” – “told” should not be in italics (cause it’s emphasis within italics)Page 184: “…even at the cost of my own life” – remove additional space between “cost” and “of”Page 184: “We had only be flying a few minutes…” – “be” should be “been”Page 184: “…Makuta who got transformed somehow into [the] big pests you see” – add “the” where indicatedPage 184: “Better off staying away from them, they’re –-” – remove the second dashPage 184: “I didn’t need to be told that [a] sting from one of them could do more than itch” – add “a” where indicatedPage 184: “…a light blast against them…but then I thought…” – add a space before “but then”Page 184: Entry 13 requires multiple line divisionsPage 184: “Frankley, if I had been a Makuta…” – “Frankley” should be “Frankly”Page 184: “1…2…3…” – add spaces between the dots and numbersPage 185: “your journey here was… eventful, Takanuva[.]” – add full stop where indicatedPage 185: “Then he is –-?” asked Pohatu – remove the second dashPage 185: The beginning of Entry 17 is a useful addition, but the paragraph “Tahu wasted no time on welcoming me. He produced six fragments of stone and asked us all to read them. They contained, he said, the secret to awakening the Great Spirit. I really wished I could share in the moment… so close to achieving their destiny… but the time had come to tell what I knew” overlaps with other writing and should be removedPage 186: “…it has changed color.” Kopaka said – replace full stop with commaPage 186: “…he described it as a ‘golden mask.’“ – turn the last quotation marks aroundPage 186: Entry 18 is redundant Page 187: “…not the best day the Toa Mahri ever had …” – remove the space between “had” and the three dots at the endPage 187: “the arrogant one was the same” – “one” should be “tone”Page 187-188: “Paralyzed on a beach, about to be slain by Visorak or incinerated by lava? Is that the stuff of which legends are made? I think not. No, don’t bother looking around for me… not that you could, in your condition. I am not on Artidax, but somewhere far away. Still, my powers have increased, so I can see and speak to you just the same. Jaller, Jaller… Vakama had such hopes for you, and look at you now. As a Toa, you make a good statue. Of course, I should object to what you had planned for my Visorak… you and whoever set the volcano to erupt. But you didn’t know about that, did you? And it would be such a shame to miss “seeing” your expression when you find out the truth …” – all of this should be in italicsPage 188: “your expression when you find out the truth …” – remove the space between “truth” and the dotsPage 188: “Well ….” Vezon said – remove the space after “Well” and one of the dots (there’s 4 instead of 3) Page 190: “…a rain of rubble on the assem-bled Makuta” – “assem-bled” should be “assembled”Page 191: “…peppering the Makuta with elemen-tal energy” – “elemen-tal” should be “elemental”Page 191: “Employing only a minor surge of power. he repaired the armor” – replace full stop with commaPage 191: “I seem to remember fighting here. arguing” – replace full stop with commaPage 192: “…six huge lightstones rose out of its sur-face” – “sur-face” should be “surface”Page 192: “…his ability to dis-guise his presence…” – “dis-guise” should be “disguise”Page 192: “As soon [as] his armored foot touched…” – add “as” where indicatedPage 192: “Tahu was more interested in the ring of light-stones” – “light-stones” should be “lightstones”Page 192: “…we may have been here before.” said Lewa – replace full stop with commaPage 192-193: Entries 19-21 are redundant (even if you were to keep Entry 21, that one mistakenly claims that Lewa found the Axalara, even though it was Pohatu)Page 193: “…a better plan than the cur-rent leader” – “cur-rent” should be “current”Page 193: “I expect us to act” – “us” should be in italicsPage 194: “The tip of his foreleg struck the field . . . and made it through!” – remove the spaces between the dotsPage 194: There should be a paragraph division bSince doing this book took me so long, and book 9 will undoubtedly take much longer for various reasons, I think I'll post the feedback on that in chunks. Perhaps book-by-book and serial-by-serial style.Thank you so much for all this feedback! It took me a few days, but I've fixed all of it (plus a few extra things, to boot). Some details:Book 8 now has Standard and Complete versions, with the differences being the redundant Takanuva's Blog posts and the line from Makuta's Diary referencing events from the cancelled chapter book.I decided to take your suggestion and remove the Entry headers from the Takanuva Blog posts, and I've extended this to the few entries in Book 9 as well.I moved the passage about Teridax entering the Core Processor to just after the first chapter of Shadows in the Sky, which itself is now right after the Mutran Chronicles. I made a small edit to the Teridax passage to make this work (now refers to the Toa battling the Makuta "soon" rather than "right now").I've split up most of the Book 8 chapters (the long ones are now roughly halved). 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Toatapio Nuva Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) *sees that every single book and book version has been updated*Me: *sigh* Time to download each book all over again... In all seriousness, all the books are looking better than ever, and especially book 8 is now a lot better than before. I especially love what you did with the part about Teridax entering the Core Processor, it fixes the problem I've always had with it being an epilogue to Shadows in the Sky! Just to address a few things: I would know what has gone on: proper grammar I'm still a bit confused about what exactly that sentence is trying to convey. If Tren Krom intends to say that he knows what's going on in the universe, why would he want to scan the minds of Brutaka's group to learn about what's going on in the universe? and they brushed aside Toa Nuva: decided to leave as-is This one also puzzles me. Isn't it clearly supposed to have "the" before Toa Nuva? we do not envy you your journey or your destination: proper grammar Likewise, this doesn't strike me as proper grammar. Am I missing something here? capitalized "Life": decided to leave as-is, as it's more significant than the standard elements Fair enough, that makes sense. I hadn't thought of it that way. Other comments:- I'm really happy about the chapters being more split now, and it's certainly better already, but I think they could be spliced even more. For example with the Takanuva segments, each of them is longer than any of the serial chapters, justifying them being their own chapters. And there are still many chapters where the serial and book chapters are combined. Is there a particular reason for you to want to keep it that way? (like not creating too many chapters or something of the sort?) I do think that combining some of the serial chapters is reasonable, just that the book chapters should remain separate, being longer and representing the main story and all that- Page 89 is blank- On page 243, the line starting with "With that done, I set to work crafting the virus that would send Mata Nui into an unending sleep" should be indented, but isn't Edited May 23, 2018 by Toatapio Nuva Quote My BZPRPG profiles - Viima, Lai Lai Kirgan, Jarkale, Hile, Tuli + Kavala, Khervos, Thira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted May 23, 2018 Author Share Posted May 23, 2018 *sees that every single book and book version has been updated* Me: *sigh* Time to download each book all over again... Ha! Rest assured that it takes even longer for me to export all those PDFs from Word. I dread the changes that have to happen in every Book In all seriousness, all the books are looking better than ever, and especially book 8 is now a lot better than before. I especially love what you did with the part about Teridax entering the Core Processor, it fixes the problem I've always had with it being an epilogue to Shadows in the Sky!Thank you! I've been bothered by that for a long time as well; I was surprised when I went back to look at it and realized I could put it somewhere else by changing like 2 words. Just to address a few things: I would know what has gone on: proper grammar I'm still a bit confused about what exactly that sentence is trying to convey. If Tren Krom intends to say that he knows what's going on in the universe, why would he want to scan the minds of Brutaka's group to learn about what's going on in the universe? The phrasing Tren Krom uses can refer to requesting that the specified thing happen. Think of it as equivalent to him saying "I will know what has gone on", if that makes sense. It's not really used this way in common speech, but it is correct. and they brushed aside Toa Nuva: decided to leave as-is This one also puzzles me. Isn't it clearly supposed to have "the" before Toa Nuva? Why does there need to be one? If he said "they brushed aside Matoran" or even "they brushed aside trees", it would work without "the" (and I think it sounds more like Teridax this way, personally). we do not envy you your journey or your destination: proper grammar Likewise, this doesn't strike me as proper grammar. Am I missing something here? This is just a weird grammar thing. Basically, you could eliminate the "you" and it would mean the same thing. But it's still considered correct with the "you" there. capitalized "Life": decided to leave as-is, as it's more significant than the standard elements Fair enough, that makes sense. I hadn't thought of it that way. I didn't mention this because I was writing down my notes pretty quickly, but I also left Life capitalized because it looks weirder lower-case (at least to me). Other comments: - I'm really happy about the chapters being more split now, and it's certainly better already, but I think they could be spliced even more. For example with the Takanuva segments, each of them is longer than any of the serial chapters, justifying them being their own chapters. And there are still many chapters where the serial and book chapters are combined. Is there a particular reason for you to want to keep it that way? (like not creating too many chapters or something of the sort?) I do think that combining some of the serial chapters is reasonable, just that the book chapters should remain separate, being longer and representing the main story and all thatThis is fair, and I'll consider it. I prefer to keep the serial chapters bundled with other things into larger chapters, since they're relatively short (and to keep the overall chapter count from being crazy high (much higher and I'll have to start making more chapter number graphics )). But leaving the book chapters as their own chapters could work, at least for the most part. - Page 89 is blank - On page 243, the line starting with "With that done, I set to work crafting the virus that would send Mata Nui into an unending sleep" should be indented, but isn'tFixed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toatapio Nuva Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 Ha! Rest assured that it takes even longer for me to export all those PDFs from Word. I dread the changes that have to happen in every Book I can imagine... I do feel kinda bad for you whenever I post my massive lists of corrections here haha. Ah, now I understand how the grammar in those few sentences work, thanks for the clarifications! It just took a moment for me to grasp what was going on in them. Quote My BZPRPG profiles - Viima, Lai Lai Kirgan, Jarkale, Hile, Tuli + Kavala, Khervos, Thira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArchAngelleofJustice Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 (edited) Book 8 now has Standard and Complete versions, with the differences being the redundant Takanuva's Blog posts and the line from Makuta's Diary referencing events from the cancelled chapter book. YAY YAY YAY. Those were annoying. Are you likely to do many more major edits to Book 8? I may make a personalized version that compiles the serials together for my own use. Oh, and is anyone else having difficulty downloading Book 9? I've tried a few times but Google Drive keeps failing. Edited May 27, 2018 by ArchAngelleofJustice Quote Stories I wrote Parts of a Whole Series: An Alternate EndingPart 1: Fight for Freedom Wisps of MemoryPart 2: Army of One (In Progress)Short Stories: The Great Takara Tale of the Toa Stones Masks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted May 28, 2018 Author Share Posted May 28, 2018 Ha! Rest assured that it takes even longer for me to export all those PDFs from Word. I dread the changes that have to happen in every Book I can imagine... I do feel kinda bad for you whenever I post my massive lists of corrections here haha. Don't feel bad at all! I'm extremely thankful for your detailed lists of things to fix. Yeah, it means work I need to do, but it's work that needed to be done. I just want the compilation to be as good as it possibly can. Book 8 now has Standard and Complete versions, with the differences being the redundant Takanuva's Blog posts and the line from Makuta's Diary referencing events from the cancelled chapter book. YAY YAY YAY. Those were annoying. Are you likely to do many more major edits to Book 8? I may make a personalized version that compiles the serials together for my own use. Oh, and is anyone else having difficulty downloading Book 9? I've tried a few times but Google Drive keeps failing.If something's bugging you, speak up! I'm always looking for feedback, and I would've been glad to look into those redundant blog entries before now if they've been annoying you. (Apologies if it's something you did bring up previously and I lost track of it in my list of things to do). I'm going to look into changing the chapters in the way Toatapio described. I'll hopefully have either made that change, or decided not to, by the end of the week. And I don't know about others, but I tried downloading Book 9 in an Incognito window and it worked for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArchAngelleofJustice Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 (edited) Thanks so much.I'd second combining more of the serial chapters together in one larger chapter. It's been a while since I've read Book 8 now, but I felt like the way it was compiled was shifting focus too often. I'd recommend probably placing The Kingdom in one long chunk, and Dark Mirror in one long chunk. It was jarring to be constantly shifting focus to an alternate reality.I'd also consider placing Brothers in Arms in two or three large chunks, especially the flashback. Shifting focus to "Five years ago" for 1,000 words every chapter was incredibly jarring. Dwellers in Darkness and Destiny War pretty much have to be interspersed throughout The Final Battle, but each could be comfortably split into three chapters. Both serials are each roughly 10,000 words long. Because they represent a shift in focus away from Karda Nui, I think keeping them in chunks of barely over 1,000 words is just too short to justify, especially as the rest of the chapters they were in were focusing on the Karda Nui events. They would work much better if they were grouped together in 3,000 to 5,000 word chapters instead, slotted between entire chapters that focus on the events in Karda Nui. I'd rather read a Final Battle chapter, then a DiD chapter, then an FB chapter, then a DW chapter, and so on. I realize this represents a drastic shift in the last book and is a lot of work, and any modification like this is likely to be controversial, so I understand if you choose not to do this. (For contrast, Book 7's serials weren't jarring like this at all, and there were times that I wasn't sure if I was reading a chapter of the chapter books or a serial.) Edited May 31, 2018 by ArchAngelleofJustice Quote Stories I wrote Parts of a Whole Series: An Alternate EndingPart 1: Fight for Freedom Wisps of MemoryPart 2: Army of One (In Progress)Short Stories: The Great Takara Tale of the Toa Stones Masks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toatapio Nuva Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I'd second combining more of the serial chapters together in one larger chapter. It's been a while since I've read Book 8 now, but I felt like the way it was compiled was shifting focus too often. I also noticed the same issue. However, presenting the side stories in large chunks in the middle of the book presents a different problem: it would take away the focus from the main story for really long periods of time, which would make its different events feel disjointed. It's either this or shifting focus constantly, so both approaches have their issues. The problem I described would be particularly problematic with Dark Mirror, since it's a very long story if presented as one big chunk. As for the other serials, even if they're bundled up together, they would still wildly shift focus just because of how they're written. The serials are just really chaotic in themselves. 1 Quote My BZPRPG profiles - Viima, Lai Lai Kirgan, Jarkale, Hile, Tuli + Kavala, Khervos, Thira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArchAngelleofJustice Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 The problem I described would be particularly problematic with Dark Mirror, since it's a very long story if presented as one big chunk. Good point, Dark Mirror is 6,700 words long. It might be best to cut Dark Mirror into three chunks then, and The Kingdom into two - to keep them roughly the same length as the Chapter Book chapters. Most of the chapter books have chapters that are roughly 2,000 to 2,500 words in length, for reference. Maybe it would be best to have "serial chapters" that are roughly the same length interspersed throughout the chapter book chapters. Quote Stories I wrote Parts of a Whole Series: An Alternate EndingPart 1: Fight for Freedom Wisps of MemoryPart 2: Army of One (In Progress)Short Stories: The Great Takara Tale of the Toa Stones Masks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 Hey guys, just wanted to chime in to say that I'm still deciding how to re-organize Book 8. Sorry that it's taking so long; I've been pretty busy lately. I did just make some very minor fixes to all versions of Book 1 (oddly, the issues I fixed weren't present in the PDFs containing every Book, just the individual Book 1 PDFs). Just some small alignment issues, but I thought I'd mention it here. I'll try to get Book 8 figured out as soon as I can. Thanks to everyone for your patience! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheesy Mac n Cheese Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Does this include Takua’s “Beware the Infected Masks” from the 2003 sticker book? Quote My friend went to Po-Wahi and all I got was this lousy rock. Blue sea...a Ruki leaps...the sound of water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 Does this include Takua’s “Beware the Infected Masks” from the 2003 sticker book?I'm not familiar with it (I've never picked up the Collector's Sticker Book). Are there scans or photos of the passage anywhere? If not, I can look into ordering a copy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheesy Mac n Cheese Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Does this include Takua’s “Beware the Infected Masks” from the 2003 sticker book?I'm not familiar with it (I've never picked up the Collector's Sticker Book). Are there scans or photos of the passage anywhere? If not, I can look into ordering a copy.I have it. I can scan it or take a picture. 1 Quote My friend went to Po-Wahi and all I got was this lousy rock. Blue sea...a Ruki leaps...the sound of water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted June 18, 2018 Author Share Posted June 18, 2018 Does this include Takua’s “Beware the Infected Masks” from the 2003 sticker book?I'm not familiar with it (I've never picked up the Collector's Sticker Book). Are there scans or photos of the passage anywhere? If not, I can look into ordering a copy. I have it. I can scan it or take a picture. Either would be great! I didn't realize the sticker book even had any story material in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheesy Mac n Cheese Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 (edited) Apologies, it's actually "Beware the Infected Kanohi." BS01 had "Infected Masks" and I remembered it being "Kraata." Whatever.There's really nothing new here, aside from maybe some small factual details, but I thought it would be nice to include since it was written in-universe by Takua. Poor-quality cell phone shots, courtesy of me: Full-resolution images here (when public):http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?f=574633 If there's enough interest, I could scan the entire book. I never used the stickers, so it's completely intact, though creased in the middle of the spine due to being crammed in a Borders children's activity book display (you know, not the shelves but where the books are displayed covers out and they fold forward) for a few years (it came out in 2003, but I got it circa 2005/2006). Edited June 19, 2018 by Cheesy Mac n Cheese 3 Quote My friend went to Po-Wahi and all I got was this lousy rock. Blue sea...a Ruki leaps...the sound of water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Planetperson Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Wow, all these years I had no idea the sticker book actually had story content. I've never even heard that bit about infected masks being cleansed with elemental energies. Thanks for the scans! Quote July 2009 Comic Scans | MNOLG Soundtrack Official Greg Discussion Weekly Digest | My Lego Network Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheesy Mac n Cheese Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Wow, all these years I had no idea the sticker book actually had story content. I've never even heard that bit about infected masks being cleansed with elemental energies. Thanks for the scans! I already knew that part, but not about Vakama being the one who discovered the infected Rahi or the Turaga and Onu-Matoran burying the masks. Quote My friend went to Po-Wahi and all I got was this lousy rock. Blue sea...a Ruki leaps...the sound of water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted June 20, 2018 Author Share Posted June 20, 2018 Apologies, it's actually "Beware the Infected Kanohi." BS01 had "Infected Masks" and I remembered it being "Kraata." Whatever. There's really nothing new here, aside from maybe some small factual details, but I thought it would be nice to include since it was written in-universe by Takua. Poor-quality cell phone shots, courtesy of me: Full-resolution images here (when public): http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?f=574633 If there's enough interest, I could scan the entire book. I never used the stickers, so it's completely intact, though creased in the middle of the spine due to being crammed in a Borders children's activity book display (you know, not the shelves but where the books are displayed covers out and they fold forward) for a few years (it came out in 2003, but I got it circa 2005/2006).Thanks so much for these! I also had no idea about the Toa being able to cleanse infected masks. I'm working on where to put this in Book 3, though I'm thinking it will only go in the Complete version, since it doesn't really work well as part of '03's narrative, and feels like it's teasing something to come that never happens (similar to Protection). My best idea right now is to put it right after Comic 14, since it should come after the comics, and in that spot it provides a nice pause before we see Onua and Pohatu in an entirely different location. I'm not quite decided yet, though (and, as always, am open to suggestions). Also, to everybody: I just made another minor update to Book 1 (this time it had to be fixed in the PDFs containing all 10 Books as well). Just a missing quotation mark. You might want to wait a little longer before downloading the new versions, though, since I might find more minor issues within the next few days or so (my wife and I are slowly working our way through Book 1 together, which is how I've found the few small issues I've fixed recently, and we should finish it soon). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheesy Mac n Cheese Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 I’m working on where to put this in Book 3, though I'm thinking it will only go in the Complete version, since it doesn't really work well as part of '03's narrative, and feels like it's teasing something to come that never happens (similar to Protection). My best idea right now is to put it right after Comic 14, since it should come after the comics, and in that spot it provides a nice pause before we see Onua and Pohatu in an entirely different location. I'm not quite decided yet, though (and, as always, am open to suggestions).Actually I almost feel like it should go before Comic 13. That’s the one where it shows the Turaga’s secret “Kraata vault,” which is sort of hinted at in this passage. Unless, of course, you feel like it should come after, since the kraata vault was a surprise and this would work better as an explanatory footnote to that. Quote My friend went to Po-Wahi and all I got was this lousy rock. Blue sea...a Ruki leaps...the sound of water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted June 20, 2018 Author Share Posted June 20, 2018 I’m working on where to put this in Book 3, though I'm thinking it will only go in the Complete version, since it doesn't really work well as part of '03's narrative, and feels like it's teasing something to come that never happens (similar to Protection). My best idea right now is to put it right after Comic 14, since it should come after the comics, and in that spot it provides a nice pause before we see Onua and Pohatu in an entirely different location. I'm not quite decided yet, though (and, as always, am open to suggestions). Actually I almost feel like it should go before Comic 13. That’s the one where it shows the Turaga’s secret “Kraata vault,” which is sort of hinted at in this passage. Unless, of course, you feel like it should come after, since the kraata vault was a surprise and this would work better as an explanatory footnote to that. The latter was basically my thought process. I think the Kraata vault is better learned about through the comic (where it's treated as a shocking surprise) than through Beware the Infected Kanohi (where it's just casually mentioned). I'd like to have it as close to when Takua theoretically wrote it as possible, which is why I was thinking immediately after Comic 14: there's a timeskip there between the Nuva fighting the Rahkshi in the comics, and Onua and Pohatu being in Onu-Koro in the next chapter: during this, Takua could have learned of the Turaga collecting the Kraata (plus he's likely been lonely without Jaller, so he might have spent more time writing). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArchAngelleofJustice Posted June 21, 2018 Share Posted June 21, 2018 I know I'm asking for a lot, but could you possibly give us a changelog when you next update Book 1? Quote Stories I wrote Parts of a Whole Series: An Alternate EndingPart 1: Fight for Freedom Wisps of MemoryPart 2: Army of One (In Progress)Short Stories: The Great Takara Tale of the Toa Stones Masks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TuragaNuva Posted June 21, 2018 Author Share Posted June 21, 2018 I know I'm asking for a lot, but could you possibly give us a changelog when you next update Book 1?Assuming you're just asking for more detail on recent and future changes, and not a comprehensive list of all the changes I've made since the beginning, then it's no trouble at all. I'm happy to provide more details on the small fixes, I just figured people wouldn't be interested.The first recent fix (from June 18) was adding indentations on the lines "As I stare at the sundial[...]" and "'I'm a prospector for the Mining Guild,'".The change from yesterday was adding an opening quotation mark to the line "'Matau stolen, Lewa gone! Le-Koronans prepare for battleflight!'".I'll be sure to go into specifics on any more changes I make! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toatapio Nuva Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 I've gone through the beginning of book 9, including The Crossing, Riddle of the Great Beings and everything between them. So this feedback is for pages 1-132. First of all, I know I've said this before, but I think you did a great job fixing the translation for The Crossing. The text flowed well, with only a few points to fix. One thing I noticed was that sometimes “Launcher” in Thornax launcher is capitalized, and sometimes not. In The Crossing it seems to be, whereas in Empire of the Skrall chapters it isn’t, so I think it should not be capitalized.Page 19: Not sure if ”Water Tribe” should be capitalized or notPage 21: “The two-headed Spikit that was pulling the it kept all four eyes…” – remove “the”Page 21: “vicinity when it got hungry” – the spaces between the words are longer herePage 21: “Kirbold said, “So he got the job” – either replace the comma with a full stop or change the word “So” to not start with a capital letterPage 22: “Still – while the carriage moved through the sand…” – the dash is a bit odd to have herePage 22: “In earlier times, this had been a quiet corner…” – replace “had been” with “was” (because it’s Tarduk telling a story instead of the narrator explaining it)Another thing I noted was that Sand Bats has been capitalized throughout, but dune snakes not. That’s inconsistent. Page 22: “…but in reality most of it was a soft mud…” – remove “a”Page 23: “Just wait until I sink into the sand and when you do… stop.” – replace “you” with “I”Page 23: “…this mountain range supplied was the subject of numerous legends…” – remove “supplied”Page 23: “More convincing stories, however, were those…” – on either side of “were”, the spaces are too longPage 23: “…for a very similar reason. The sun would soon be high…” – There needs to be a line/paragraph division between the sentences here. The latter sentence should be a part of the following sentence, I think. (or just reorganize the sentences in any way you think works)Page 23: “Despite the heat[,] he shivered” – add comma where indicatedPage 25: “Over here!” Shouted Gresh – “shouted” should not be capitalizedPage 26: “Good thinking[,]” admitted Strakk – add comma where indicatedPage 26: There should be a division of paragraph after “Although it cost you half your pay…”Page 26: “…long before The Shattering…” – I’m not sure, but shouldn’t “The” not be capitalized?Page 26: The paragraph that starts with “At the mention of the Skrall…” is way too long and needs to be divided.Page 27: “The dark smile on the Malum’s face didn’t say anything good” – remove “the” before “Malum”Page 27: “The dark smile on the Malum’s face didn’t say anything good” – isn’t there a better alternative to “say”?Page 28: “And if we don’t, they will kill us.” Tarduk replied – replace full stop with commaPage 29: “The Skrall looked down at the axe and shield in in their hands” – remove the other “in”Page 30: “You really need to ask?” Replied Gresh – “Replied” should not be capitalizedPage 30: The line divisions are a bit mixed up in this section:As Tarduk spoke, Gresh returned to the opening. It was blocked. Pushing with all his strength, he tried to move the rock, but to no avail.“Even if we do manage to move the rocks from the inside, the other side would be blocked by debris and boulders. I’d prefer not to go out that way.” Tarduk lit a torch, illuminating the dark corridor.“Is there another option?”The sentences with Gresh should be in one line, and the ones with Tarduk in their own.Page 30: “It seems our only choice is to follow the path… Unless you’d prefer to stay here and die” – “Unless” shouldn’t be capitalizedPage 30: There should probably be a paragraph division between “Unless you’d prefer to stay here and die” and “Everyone sighed with relief…”Page 31: “A series of circles with lines drawn through them at various angles, forming strange inscriptions” – there’s no verb in this sentence. And no, the previous sentence doesn’t make it excusable in this casePage 31: There should be a line division between “I found these writings in some ruins!” and “Excellent,” Strakk saidPage 31: “I hope this symbol is ‘Exit.’” – not wrong per se, but does read a bit clumsy. Maybe replace "is" with "says" or "means"?Page 31-32: The paragraph starting with “Gresh looked down” is way too long and should be dividedPage 32: “Strakk hesitated for a moment, but immediately ran after them” – this sentence contradicts itself by stating that Strakk hesitated, but also acted immediatelyPage 32: The paragraph starting with “Fero reined his steed to a stop to take a closer look at the area” is too long and should be dividedPage 33: There should be a line division between “The Sand Bat was smarter than you” and “Gresh gritted his teeth…”Page 33: “That’s not even the most interesting part.” Strakk sighed – replace full stop with commaPage 33: “Sand Bats don’t live in the caves,” Strakk voice was riddled with impatience – replace comma with a full stopPage 33: “Sand Bats don’t live in the caves,” Strakk voice was riddled with impatience – “Strakk” should be “Strakk’s”Page 33: “… That means there must be an exit!” – I’m not sure… should “That” be capitalized or not here? Either way, there’s an unnecessary space between the three dots and “That”Page 33: “He still [had] no idea what they might mean” – add “had” where indicatedPage 33: “This doesn’t look good.” Strakk said – replace full stop with comma With chapters from the Empire of the Skrall serial, it seems a bit odd that they are placed where they are now if it says “weeks ago” before them. Why not simply move these chapters before The Crossing to make the continuity clearer, since it’s easy to do so in this case? It would be better than unnecessarily leaping back and forth in time. Page 34: “…while bone hunters rode up to the gates…” – In The Crossing, Bone Hunters is capitalized, but here not. I guess it shouldn’t be capitalized in any of the text, since this is how Greg’s doing it.Page 35: “…their relations with each [other] ranging from indifferent to tense” – add “other” where indicatedPage 36: One of the first things Strakk learned as [a] Glatorian was “read the situation” – add “a” where indicated. Other than that, the sentence does also read a bit clumsily.Page 36: It allowed [him] to forget the fear and focus on the challenge he faced – add “him” where indicatedPage 36: “His current situation was a good time to hide his fear” – this sentence is just akwardPage 36: “In regards to your question, Gresh…” – shouldn’t “In” be “With”?Page 37: “Moving quickly toward it, he prayed that [the] Spikit wasn’t hungry…” – add “the” where indicatedPage 37: The paragraph starting with “The two Glatorian ran to the carriages” is quite longPage 37: “…fearing that it wouldn’t take him as a potential meal” – “wouldn’t” should be “would”, unless Gresh actually wanted the Spikit to eat him Page 38: “…helmets, armor and other that objects stolen long ago…” – remove “that”Page 38: “…but others he had never had seen before in his life” – remove the second “had”Page 38: “Gresh followed Strakk to [the] fenced area…” – add “the” where indicatedPage 38: “…something common for a Spikit Pen” – “Pen” should probably not be capitalizedPage 38: The paragraph starting with “Strakk brandished his axe” is quite longPage 39: “I saw something like this before,” said Gresh [as] they ran – add “as” where indicatedPage 40: “If they could reach the other side [of] it…” – add “of” where indicatedPage 40: “…they hurled crude swords and spear at the backs of the Skrall riders” – “spear” should be “spears”Page 42: When you’re about to die, everything seems to slow down. After all, he was, along with two Agori, one Glatorian and a wagon carrying invaluable cargo… - the transition to the next sentence is oddPage 42: “His mind raced madly, even though he seemed to have all [the] time in the world before impact – add “the” where indicatedPage 43: “Ackar had walked over to the shores of [the] river and stared into the water” – add “the” where indicatedPage 43: “Not for the first time he asked himself whether the Match with Ackar he had been promised was worth all this” – “Match” should not be capitalizedPage 43: There should probably be a line division between “…but Strakk refused to leave without it” and “He took a large gulp”Page 44: “The leader of the squad was an elite warrior Strakk hat met before, named Stronius” – replace “hat” with either “had” or “had not”, depending on what was intended here (I would guess it's the latter)Page 44: “He has heard a lot of rumors about Glatorian that went to Roxtus…” – “has” should be “had”Page 44: “First he started to panic on the inside – they had betrayed him!” – “they had betrayed him!” should not be in italicsPage 45: “The explosive projectiles collided nosily…” – “nosily” should be “noisily”Page 46: “Any good ideas?” Strakk asked assembled the group – move “the” before “assembled”Page 46: …Ackar said, “While you keep riding to the village” – replace full stop with a commaPage 46: “This is our task” – “I’m not sure, but it feel like “our” should be in italicsPage 46: “Whoever it may be, I hoped they’re well-equipped!” – “hoped” should be “hope”Page 46: “…Ackar asked, his gaze was still fixed on the Skrall closing in behind them” – remove “was”Page 46: “Gresh wanted to answer, but the words stuck in his throat” – I think there should be “were” or something like that before “stuck”Page 46: “Around us there is nothing but endless desert,” Ackar said to himself. “No hiding places to be seen. We can neither escape nor defeat them, least of all do both.” – so if Ackar is saying this to himself, doesn’t that imply these lines should be in italics?Page 47: “I am sure they could [do] it themselves now” – add “do” where indicatedPage 49: “The fact that these creatures allied with the Glatorian only make him angrier” – “make” should be “made”Page 49: “…he wouldn’t be able to escape from this trap up without a fight” – remove “up”Page 51: “…but thanks to their size they could move several bio in a single step” – wait, isn’t bio a Matoran Universe measurement, not Spherus Magnan?Page 51: “A crater opened up and began to pull in sand, and would soon would do the same to Gresh” – remove the second “would”Page 51: There should be a line division between “The XV-1 was designed with that in mind” and “The team moved as fast as they could”Page 51: “Split up!” Shouted Gresh – “Shouted” should not be capitalizedPage 51: “If he had wanted the Exsidian, he would have taken [it] from Iconox – add “it” (or “some”, depending on what’s more appropriate) where indicatedPage 52: “His stalker shook the reins, forcing him to turn quickly to the right” – This implies that the sand stalker was riding Ackar Page 52: “Both Glatorian galloped towards to the Skopio” – remove “to”Page 52: There should be a line division between “On the other side, Ackar did the same” and “Exsidian was prized for its exceptional hardness and durability”Page 52: “You know, I’m pretty tired after all that climbing.” Kiina said – replace full stop with commaPage 52: “I’ll let you choose[,]” Kiina said – add comma where indicatedPage 53: “Kiina shook his head” – “his” should be “her”Page 53: “If you want to negotiate with a Glatorian, [you] need to learn the language of a scam” – add “you” where indicatedPage 53: There should be a line division between “…he was more excited to see it than he’d ever been in his life” and “Raanu, Vulcanus’ leader…”Page 53: The last part, starting with “Sounds good”, should be indented In Secret of Certavus, Thornax is mistakenly spelled Thormax. Page 102: “Kirbold just wanted to get done and get back to Iconox” – I think “get” should be “be”, but I’m not surePage 102: A red star? thought Tarduk – the space between “thought” and “Tarduk” is unusually longPage 102: Aloud, he said[,] “You’re probably right” – I guess it would work without, but I still think you should add a comma where indicated Also, Water Stones is capitalized consistently, but should it be? Page 103: “We’ll – I mean, you’ll be a hero” – I get the feeling “you’ll” should be in italicsPage 109: “But within in a short time…” – remove “in”Page 119: You might wanna remove/cover up “Coming in July: A legend reborn!” Page 120: “…and in a such a horrible way” – remove the first “a”Page 120: “Something – no, someone – was coming up behind the wolf pack” – I get the feeling “someone”, or the “one” part should be in italicsPage 120: “All Tarduk could think of was Malum, who, rumor had it, now lived among the bestial Vorox” – It’s no longer a rumor at this point, as he’s shown up multiple times as the leader of the Vorox at this point. Besides, Tarduk has seen it himself – twice already, in fact.Page 120: “…one of the Great Beings’ more… efficient creations” – why is “efficient” in italics?Page 121: “And standing atop of the mountain…” – I think “of” should be removedPage 122: “What convinced you,” asked Kirbold, “the avalanche or the firestorm?” – It does work like this, but I think it might be better to have “Kirbold” end in a full stop and capitalize “the”Page 122: “That jet of flames,” said Tarduk, “that wasn’t natural, was it? – same point as abovePage 123: “You’re right,” Tarduk said, “we will go on – again, same as abovePage 124: “Kirbold abruptly reined the Sand Stalker to a halt” should be the beginning of the next line, ending in what he says next.Page 124: “Maybe there’s something up here who can help us” – “something who can help us”? Should it be “someone” then?Page 124: “It seemed to [be] coming from a forest in the distance” – add “be” where indicatedPage 124: …said Crotesius, “I see trees” – replace comma with full stopPage 125: “These warriors might have been here since the War, for all we know” – Although War being capitalized might make sense, I'm not sure it should bePage 127: Move “The Element Lord’s eyes suddenly went wide” to the beginning of the next linePage 129: “Then [he] remembered something Surel had said…” – either add “he” where indicated, or merge this sentence with the previous onePage 132: “…wanted answers. …Or was the Element Lord of Rock right?” – remove the singular dot, move the three dots to replace it, and create a space between them and “Or” Also, the entry from the sticker book is really cool. BS01 has long contained the information it has, but now we finally know where it came from. I agree with the idea of putting it after comic 14 in book 3, and only in the complete version, for the reasons already stated. 3 Quote My BZPRPG profiles - Viima, Lai Lai Kirgan, Jarkale, Hile, Tuli + Kavala, Khervos, Thira Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArchAngelleofJustice Posted June 24, 2018 Share Posted June 24, 2018 (edited) Thanks so much for the changelog there TuragaNuva, it's much appreciated (and exactly what I was after). Edited June 24, 2018 by ArchAngelleofJustice Quote Stories I wrote Parts of a Whole Series: An Alternate EndingPart 1: Fight for Freedom Wisps of MemoryPart 2: Army of One (In Progress)Short Stories: The Great Takara Tale of the Toa Stones Masks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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