SPIRIT

Speech-Language Pathology.

Who has two thumbs and a master's degree?

As a human, I find this franchise in very poor taste. Why would I want to see the historical chronicle of how our simian overlords managed to conquer and enslave us? I'd like to see Bananawood come out with a movie that accurately and tastefully recounts events in a way that does not disenfranchise my species.

Fun fact, Rex is short for Rexanna, and he INSISTS you call him that. He's even got this inside joke where he prentends to get really angry when you call him that, but he definitely wants to be called Rexanna no matter what you hear.

You know, I'd probably watch a Marvel movie starring both Chris Rock And Chris Tucker. Panicked Yelling: The Movie

"When I left you I was but the Beaver, now I am the master!"

Usually not, which is why I think it's so weird that people would want to buy them with pits in them. Like, could you imagine taking olive pits out of a fully cooked pizza?

I'd put a tiny advent calendar behind every door of the advent calendar.

To be perfectly honest, I'd take all the downsides for a diet of pure pizza.

Today I'm going to complain about people who like olives, but not for the reason you might think. Personally, I love olives. Black, green. Can't get enough of them. My beef is with people who buy olives with the pits still in them. If you people are out there, why do you do this? We live in the information era. No longer must we be beholden to pits in our olives. For 3000 years the peoples of the Mediterranean struggled with this minor inconvenience, and now we have a factory machine that saves us the trouble. Anecdotally a random food blog I found on Google suggests that including the pit improves the presentation of the olive. Oh please, get over yourself. It's just going straight in your mouth anyway, and if you don't include the pit you can finish your meal even faster and get on with your miserable food blogging life. Now some of you may be thinking, "Hey, isn't it cheaper to buy the ones with pits in them? I'm on a budget, man!" Look, buddy. If you can afford olives, you can afford ones without pits in them. It's such a minor additional cost for a massive increase in quality of life. I dream of being about to pay an extra dollar to make my other minor inconveniences go away, and here you are spitting in the face of science. In conclusion, I'll probably never work as a food critic.

Bottom text? TMI, my friend. TMI.

I'm usually pretty tolerant of a wide variety of songs and music styles, but I just can't bring myself to enjoy "This Christmas". It's probably because I don't particularly enjoy R&B, but I just find the song really annoying.

Look guys, I wanted this to come out sooner, but then Pokémon Sun happened. Also, I'm going to aim for at least one more chapter before Christmas, because after that I'll be pretty much busy until February. But a promise is a promise! ---- Chapter 4- Episode 1: Quest for Unity (Part 2) (Back in the Region of Losers, Lewa has found Uxar.) Lewa: I knew I'd find you! Haha... Or did you find me, I wonder? Uxar: Dude, what if we found ourselves? That's so deep man... Actually, thinking about this is giving me a headache! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT! (Uxar tackles Lewa to the ground.) Lewa: Okay, well sorry. Didn't realize you hated philosophy so much. Uxar: Aw man, I just remembered that the other Creatures used to bully me back in philosophy class. Now I'm sad. YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT! (Uxar tackles Lewa again and sends him flying into a tree.) Lewa: My spine! My beautiful, bony spine! I'll never walk again! My dreams of becoming an Olympic -- oh wait, I'm made of metal. I'm actually totally okay. Tree: My trunk! My beautiful, barky trunk! I'll never... do tree things again! My dreams of becoming a... oh forget it, my life is meaningless. Lewa: Okay! I got it! You're plenty strong and you're fast, too! But so is Lewa! Uxar: Who's Lewa? Lewa: Lewa is Lewa. Uxar: Director: Look, they're all going to talk in the third person until we can drill it through the audience's heads what everyone's names are. Lewa: Ahem! Director: Oh, I mean uh... The Director wants you to know that -- oh this is so stupid, just finish this scene so we can randomly teleport to somewhere else. (Lewa looks at a large tree in the distance.) Lewa: Let me guess now. The temple. It's in that amazing tree way out there, ain't it? Uxar: I mean, it's an okay tree... Lewa: I'm thinking maybe I'll get there before you do. (Lewa and Uxar crouch down, preparing to race.) Lewa: We'll just see, won't we? Uxar: Oh I hate races, this is gym class all over again! Lewa: Okay, on the count of three. One, two... HAH! (Lewa dashes off early, leaving Uxar behind.) Uxar: And math class all over again too! (Meanwhile, unda da sea, Gali swims up from a seafloor cave.) Gali: Where are you? Director: Wait, you don't have a Kaukau. How are you breathing underwater? Gali: Oh, silly. This isn't like Generation 1. All Toa have the ability to breathe their element. Director: That... doesn't sound right. Gali: Lewa breathes air, doesn't he? Director: Pohatu: And Pohatu breathes stone! Gali: No, I was joking. You can't actually -- (Pohatu inhales a mouthful of gravel.) Pohatu: My lungs! My beautiful, spongy lungs! Gali: Okay, I'm just gonna go now. (She notices a giant whirlpool.) Gali: What is that? Akida: It's the mythological Greek sea monster Charybdis, sent by Poseidon to drown all sailors! Gali: Wow, really? Akida: No. Why are you asking me? Do I look like an oceanographer to you? Gali: Oh hey, it's you! Akida: ... you don't even know my name. Rude! Gali: So, will you lead me to the temple? Great! Akida: Wow, you didn't even wait for me to answer. Double rude. (Gali grabs onto Akida's fin and Akida swims into the whirlpool). Gali: Wait! No! Stop! Not that way! Akida: Whoa, excuse me. I didn't realize you knew the way to the temple. Oh wait, you don't. Triple rude. Gali: You know, that sarcasm is also pretty rude. Akida: (Meanwhile, in the Region of Ugly, Kopaka is zipping along on what the Descriptive Audio calls his "ice slide".) Director: Hold up, there's a Descriptive Audio track? Are we going to go back and include all that narration? SPIRIT: No. (Kopaka sees a temple frozen in a glacier along with Melum.) Kopaka: In the name of all the elephants! Melum: STOP CALLING THEM ELEPHANTS! IT'S ELEMENTS, YOU DOOF! Kopaka: But I like elephants. (Meanwhile in the Region of Butts, Onua comes to a fork in the path.) Onua: I can't stand mazes. (Using his Earthquake Hammer, Onua bashes through several walls until he runs into Terak.) Onua: So you're in here too! I knew it. Heh heh heh heh! Terak: Okay, how did you find me? I'm underground. Do you know how big underground is? It's quite literally the size of the planet! Onua: And I bet you know an easier way through this thing. Terak: Well hey, if we're just going to smash load-bearing walls, then we can get to the temple in no time. Onua: Load-bearing? Uh oh... (Meanwhile, in the Region of... oh great, what stupid nickname did Narmoto give this one? Oh, it's just the Region of Stone? Yeah, I guess that's bad enough as it is.) Region of Stone: (Pohatu is climbing a giant cliff to reach the local temple.) Pohatu: And there's the temple. But what about that creature-thing? Ketar: Sup? (Pohatu lets go of the cliff in surprise and Wile E. Coyotes his way to the bottom of the cliff, leaving a Pohatu-shaped crater in the ground. Ketar scuttles down after him.) Pohatu: So, you wanna play. Is that it? Siri: Playing song "Is That It?" Pohatu: What? Dang it, I must've hit the home button on my phone when I fell. Pause music. Siri: Playing playlist "Pa's music". Pohatu: No, just shut down the music app! Siri: Playing album "Butt Gown: the Muse's Cap". Ketar: Dude, you've got some weird music on your phone. (Meanwhile, deep inside an active volcano, a rocky temple sits in the middle of a lake of lava, and Tahu proceeds to lava-surf towards it.) Jaller: Hold it, buddy! You can't just lava surf here! You've got to wait for us to activate that bridge thing. Tahu: I can't even begin to explain how impractical that bridge was. Also you don't exist. Jaller: Fair enough, carry on. (Tahu reaches the temple and gazes upon it.) Tahu: Excellent! Ikir: Hey, get out of here with your cheesy 60's surfer lingo! Who do you think you are? Takanuva from the Flash PSAs? (He tackles Tahu into the lava.) Tahu: Well, good thing Gali explained earlier how I can breathe lava. Ikir: But you're the Toa of Fire, not Lava. Tahu: (Back to the Region of Losers, Lewa parkours his way through the jungle as Uxar flies towards him.) Lewa: No you don't! Uxar: Um, yes I do. Just because this was made by some of the people who worked on Assassin's Creed, doesn't mean that parkour is faster than FLYING! Lewa: Well maybe not, but it also means that I could just assassinate you! Uxar: (Uxar races ahead, but soon is attacked by a Jungle Shadow Trap, who clamps down on his wing.) Uxar: Owwwww! Help!!!! And don't use parkour, just run over here like a normal person! Lewa: Me? A normal person. Have you even heard my dialogue? Uxar: Sigh... I'm gonna die. (Umarak hears Uxar's screeching and shadow-teleports his way to him. Reaching out his hand, Umarak causes shadows to engulf Uxar. Umarak proceeds to use his shadows to attach Uxar to his back.) Umarak: Yes... Makuta: Look, you just beat Lewa. That's nothing special. Back in Generation 1 I used to beat Lewa like twice a week. Umarak: Look, do you want your mask back or not? Makuta: Right, sorry. Carry on with your pointless vision. (Umarak has a vision of the location of the Mask of Control before being attacked by Lewa and having Uxar torn off his back. Umarak teleports and tackles Lewa to the ground.) Umarak: I needed more time! Lewa: Wow, that was rude of me. Carry on, then. Uxar: Lewa: I mean uh... Sorry, you lose! And so does your Master, Makuta. (Umarak melts into the shadows.) Umarak: I hunt for Makuta, it is true. But I answer to no one. Lewa: Really? Umarak: Yes! Lewa: Well you just answered me. Umarak: (Umarak reappears in a tree and fires at Lewa with his Bone Hunting Bow Shooter.) Umarak: Ew, is that the official name? Lewa: Hey! Over here! (Umarak teleport-tackles Lewa again, sending him crashing into a giant raspberry tree. Lewa dashes off and Umarak prowls around Uxar.) Lewa: You're going to have to move faster than that! Uxar: And that doesn't mean use parkour! It's slower than literally any other way of travel! (Lewa confronts Umarak, and Uxar rushes in behind Umarak's back.) Lewa: *puts two fingers to his temple* Not yet. Umarak: You know I can hear you, right? Even if you have psychic powers, you kind of wreck it by speaking out loud. Lewa: Unless I'm saying something different than what I'm thinking. Umarak: ... Is that even possible? Lewa: No. Umarak: Now I will finish you! Lewa: Yeah, not today. Umarak: Oh, is now not a good time? How about I pencil you in for -- (Lewa creates a massive tornado, grabbing Umarak and his day-planner and tossing them both far away.) Umarak: Curses! How will I be punctual and organized now?! (Umarak reaches for his Bone Hunting Bow Shooter, but Lewa uses his powers to open up the jungle canopy, bathing the clearing in light.) Lewa: You got no more shadows, Shadow Man. Uxar: Actually, that term is considered outdated and sexist. The preferred terms are Shadow Officer, Shadow Fighter, Shadow Carrier, or Shadow... whatever the gender neutral name for fisherman is. Umarak: Darkness is rising, Toa. You cannot stop it. Lewa: Um, I think I quite clearly can. This is like the most competent my character's ever been. I didn't even get my mind controlled once! (Umarak ignores that he lost to the worst performing Toa of all time, sinks into the shadows, and teleports away. Shadowports? Dangit, should've been calling it that the whole time...) Lewa: Hah! Imagine that joker coming after you when I'm around. Not gonna happen. You and me's a team! Uxar: Yikes, are we still going with the weird talking thing? (Lewa spots the giant tree in the distance.) Lewa: The temple! With all this grappling, I clean forgot! Uxar: I will take that as a yes. Sigh, why couldn't I get one of the normal Toa? Lewa: We're gonna be good friends, you and me. Uxar: Maybe try being friends with a dictionary first. Lewa: I wonder how everyone else is doing? Uxar: Look, if they have the English abilities of even a five year old, I guarantee they're already miles ahead of this partnership.

As Syndrome once said, "when every Pokemon is legendary, none of them are."

Hey nice, I used an Incineroar, Araquanid, and Crabominable too. You have excellent taste. (The rest of my team was Minior, Mismagius, and Muk).

That's dangerous talk 'round these parts.

The explanation for how Tuyet wasn't dead.

Do-you-think-he-saurus

Waitaminute... Kukui told me I was the first champion! I bet he's lying about not being the Masked Royal too.

I had fun once. It was awful.

Cereal.

Always wear something colourful for Thanksgiving. That way if you spill food on yourself, there's a chance it might blend into the design.

I'm in a country where the emergency number is 000! Your advice was not applicable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, there are a lot of problems with that map that Greg must not have communicated properly to the artists. It would've made much more sense to have Artakha be in one of the extremities or not be nearly as big. As such, you could have the island hidden if it were surrounded by storms or jagged rocks that made travel there impractical or impossible. Maybe Artakha developed a cloaking device for the island? On the whole, take that map with a giant grain of salt. (I mean, am I expected to believe that Voya Nui is bigger than any other island we've seen?)

Is that female firefighter playing an electric guitar? What a time to be alive!