WHAT IS THE POTOO?! 2
PART ONE: WE ARE NUMBER (PO)TOO
In which Voltex is still missing after two years, Ehks finally gets roasted, ToaD flexes his many muscles, Portalfig is the butt of many jokes, Voxumo reveals his scythe, TimeLord asks too many questions, Luroka stokes his own ego, Blade gets elected, ShadowVezon falls in a hole, Onaku suffers through role call, Quisoves (though absent) gets a cameo, and Windrider hands out a mission.
Several Matoran were sitting around a campfire, rambling madly and pointing fingers as they tried to decide who would be roasted with the marshmallows that evening. It was a difficult task, for such a campfire of roasting someone with marshmallows had not gathered for two years, ever since the unfortunate disappearance of Voltex. One Matoran – whose name was Portal – was sitting off to the side, still sulking about his long-lost friend, but obviously, nobody else cared.
Two of the Matoran in particular – Luroka and ToaD – were making things quite difficult, engaged in a furious argument over which of them was more worthy of being roasted with the marshmallows.
“I am a god,” Luroka was saying. “Clearly, it should be me.”
“Nonsense,” ToaD replied, flexing his arms and causing at least half of the Matoran present to swoon. “I am clearly the sexiest person here. It is I who should be roasted!”
Needless to say, it was going about as well as trying to grow coffee beans using only horseradish.
“I’m telling you, I am a GOD, like, capital-G God!” Luroka exclaimed, refusing to allow his ego to be beaten.
ToaD tore off his shirt, revealing gleaming, chiselled muscles that caused everyone to swoon – including Luroka. Smirking with satisfaction, he turned to the crowd, flexing and posing for them.
“It’s too much,” Ehks said, eyes rolling up into her head as she passed out on top of Blade, who immediately dumped her on top of the fire.
Ehks immediately roasted with the marshmallows.
ToaD’s horrified cry split the air, and he immediately rushed forward, only to be held back by a cackling Luroka, whose eyes gleamed madly.
“No! It was meant to be me! Meeee!” ToaD cried, bursting into tears.
Staring down at him, Luroka chuckled. “This is so going on my Wall of Best Moments Ever.”
“Well then,” said Windrider, who had shown up just in time to watch Ehks get roasted. Her words effortlessly got the attention of everyone present, and they bowed before her, for even in retirement, she was, and always would be, the patron deity of Games & Trivia.
“Well what?” Luroka asked, for he was the only one foolish enough to think himself worthy of interrupting the mighty Windrider.
Twin laser beams shot out of her eyes and incinerated Luroka on the spot; ToaD, no longer supported by his worst enemy’s arms, collapsed to the ground. Windrider turned back to the crowd. “Play time is over. You have done your roasting, and now it is time to move on to your next task.”
“What is it?” TimeLord asked, his eyes going wide even as both Nato and RG tried fruitlessly to shut his mouth. “Is it a mission? Will we be famous? What are we doing? Who are you? Are you important? Why is everyone listening? Why do we roast people? Are we-”
TimeLord wavered before falling face-first into the dirt courtesy of RG, who held a large pot in his hands, and had, of course, slammed it on top of the other Matoran’s head to shut him up before he could really get started.
Everyone’s attention immediately turned to RG – even Voxumo, whose head had to turn a full 180 degrees.
“Um,” he said. “I, uh. That was, uh. Yes. Yes. That was, I mean, well you see, the thing is. Um.”
“Nice,” Nato muttered, eyeing TimeLord (and the rapidly growing lump on his head that was already the size of a grapefruit) with an air of distaste. “Wherever we’re going, I am not carrying him.”
“AS I WAS SAYING,” Windrider continued, muttering to herself under her breath about something or other. “I have a task for all of you.”
“…and that task is…?” Nato prompted.
“Voltex,” Windrider said, scowling. “He disappeared from this very campsite two years ago. I want you all to find him.”
“Find Voltex?” Voxumo asked. “Why? Who cares about him?”
“I have received word that he is attempting to play god,” came the response. “Naturally, that cannot be allowed to continue.”
“Darn right!” Luroka agreed, nodding frantically and ignoring the fact that he should be nothing more than a pile of ashes. “Only I can be-”
Windrider silenced him with a look that promised endless torment if he continued.
“Very well,” Voxumo said, pulling his scythe out of nowhere and swinging it experimentally (very nearly taking off Nato’s head). “What do we do when we find him?”
“Bring him to me for his punishment,” Windrider ordered. “He will know eternal torment for his foolish games.”
Somewhere in the back of the crowd, Portalfig sobbed.
They all stood there in silence for another minute before Windrider frowned. “Well? Get moving!”
The crowd of Matoran immediately burst into action. ToaD and TimeLord were both trampled as the others sprinted back and forth to gather supplies.
While this was going on, Blade stepped up to Windrider, with Portalfig right behind her; the two formally shook hands.
“Blade, you will be the leader of this quest,” Windrider said.
Portalfig frowned. “But what about-”
“Bring him to me alive,” Windrider continued, ignoring Portalfig’s stammering. “If he is missing one or two limbs, that is okay.”
Blade cackled. “Excellent.”
She immediately turned around and vanished into the crowd. Portalfig remained behind for a moment longer, staring at Windrider, before blinking.
“Ha! I win!” Windrider exclaimed, before shoving him into Taka Nuvia. “Now be gone with you!”
An hour later, the group was finally assembled and ready to rumble.
Blade, looking over her so-called team, had the brief thought that they might have a few too many characters for an adventure that would be a simple three-chapter disappointment of epic proportions, but then again – character development had always been overrated.
“Alright, before we begin, we’re gonna do a role call!” she announced. “When I call your name, simply shout ‘here’! Got it?”
“Yes!” they all cried back, thoroughly exasperated, for this was now the third role call that they had done.
“Blade!” she yelled, before glancing around and shrugging. “I am here.”
“No way,” Luroka muttered, rolling his eyes.
“Present and sexy as always!”
Blade frowned, glancing around. “Alright, where did Xccj get to?”
Pointing at himself, Xccj said, “uh, that was me. I was joking.”
“Well, stop that,” Blade snapped. “Some of us have work to do, and you’re slowing us down!”
Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to calm herself, Blade continued. “Taka Nuvia!”
“Please, call me RG.”
“Please, call me TL.”
“It’s ShadowVezon, not SV, for the last time! I keep telling you people to call me by my proper name!”
“Here, despite my wishes.”
“Um… yeah. I said I’m here. It’s one name, two parts. You know, like a first and last name. ‘Pulse Trijhak’. Because, well, because… well, I’m not sure. It is what it is.”
“Here as always.”
“Please, call me… wait, what does ‘FF’ even stand for, anyway? Fantastic Four? Freaky Friday? Freddy Fazbear? Oh, whatever.”
“I actually don’t know why I’m here, could someone please explain?”
“And finally… last and certainly least…” Blade’s face crinkled up into a look of disgust. “Portalfig.”
“I’m here,” Portalfig said quietly. “There’s no need to be rude, you know. Just because I’m actually friends with Voltex.”
“Whoa, whoa, hold on now,” Onaku – who was standing next to Portalfig – replied. “You’re actually friends with the guy?”
“Uh… yes?” Portalfig said, looking uncertain.
Onaku took several steps back. “Ew.”
“Oh come on!” Portalfig protested, throwing his arms up in the air (and accidentally knocking a clueless RG back into Nato, who cursed as he fell only to be caught by TimeLord). “What’s wrong with you people?! It’s not a crime to be friends with somebody!”
“Uh, yes it is, when that somebody is Voltex,” Luroka snapped, shuddering with revulsion. “Good lord, Portal, what is wrong with you?!”
“But you’re friends with him too!”
“Am not,” Luroka said, smirking. “We’re rivals. Big difference.”
Portalfig huffed, crossing his arms and glaring at the other Matoran, but otherwise blessedly falling silent. The silence stretched for several minutes, and was well into the awkward phase before Blade finally spoke again.
“Well, anyway, the last sighting of Voltex was… well, him storming away from the campfire two years ago and suddenly vanishing in the darkness. Consensus-”
“You mean like common sense?” Portalfig interrupted. “It’s obvious that he fell down a hole.”
“-states that he probably fell down a hole,” Blade finished, ignoring Portalfig. “So we must now look for a hole.”
“I found a hole,” Onaku replied, raising his hand. “Um, I might have accidentally shoved ShadowVezon down it a few minutes ago. By accident, of course. I didn’t mean to, I swear. It was just an accident.”
“Then we have our hole and we must push on through,” Blade declared.
“Please stop,” Nato muttered.
“Who wants to go first?” Blade asked. “Portalfig, how about you?”
The Matoran shook his head. “Uh, no thanks.”
Blade frowned, leaning in until her mask was pressed up against Portalfig’s. “I said, ‘how about you’?”
“Uh…” Portalfig trailed off, gulping nervously, before grinning weakly. “Sure?”
Without further ado, she grabbed Portalfig by the shoulders, hauled him over to where Onaku was standing, and tossed him into the hole.
“SON OF A BIIIIIIiiiiiii……”
The group stared down at where Portalfig had slowly vanished into the distance of the gaping black pit before Luroka finally spoke.
“Do you think that counts as bypassing the word filter?”
“Probably,” said ToaD, looking over from where he was busy flexing for Unit, “but who cares?”
“Voltex, probably,” Nato replied, before he shrugged. “Well, here goes nothing.”
And then Nato too jumped into the hole – and, with him having kickstarted the process, one by one, the rest of the group did so as well.
Windrider slowly walked up to the hole, gazing down at it with a pensive expression. The sound of footsteps on the dirt behind her drew her attention to Ehks, who looked well and truly crisped after being roasted with the marshmallows.
“Y’know, I was kinda hoping to do more in this,” Ehks commented. “They all get to go off on an adventure, and what do I get? A glorified cameo.”
“Nonsense,” Windrider replied, reaching up to stroke the disgusting and absurd-looking bird on her shoulder. “We’ll both be reappearing in Part Three – and maybe even Part Two if you’re lucky. Now my little pet here, on the other hand – it has a glorified cameo.”
Ehks glanced at the bird, her eyes immediately widening as she shuddered involuntarily, unable to repress the urge. “Please tell me that it’s not what I think it is.”
“It’s not what you think it is,” Windrider said cheerfully, still stroking the bird. “Isn’t that right, Quisoves?”
Ehks shuddered again.
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2:
“TEX IS THE ONE IN THE HOLE”
Welcome to my 10K 3-Part Not-So-Special.